Hidden idols dressed as friends

I'm going to talk about idolatry today, but don't run away if you think it's something you don't have a problem with. I never knew I did.

For weeks now, something has been amiss in our house. I knew that my attitude towards the changes occuring had something to do with it, but I couldn't really repent if I didn't know HOW what I was doing was affecting what God was doing.

Last night was the 173rd Airborne's Christmas party, which we go to every year. I look forward to it because it's the only party we get to go to, and this year was no different. I was looking forward to getting prettied up, dancing with Wayne, and maybe taking a good family portrait.

Anyways, last night we were supposed to get there at 7:30. I was nervous about it this year because 7 pm is Annika's bedtime and I'm like a nazi about her not going to bed later-- I wanted her to be good but I knew she was going to be exhausted, especially since it goes til like... ten. Also, there is a raffle there, and every year Wayne and I win something cool. This year, the grand prize was a brand new laptop. For months I'd been certain we were going to win it. After all, I'm using a 1998 Compaq that is so old it doesn't even have letters on the keyboard in most spaces. It is slow as a tortoise, no matter what I do, filled with garbage I can't seem to lose, and frequently breaks down, forcing me to spend whole days wasted on getting it running again. The internet is pretty much my home away from home.... it's my social outlet because I'm a very secluded SAHM, and it's also my ministry.... something that God frequently uses me for. When I didn't have a computer and had to go to the library all the time, you'll remember, it was not a happy time in Barbie land. I was miserable. (although there's something to be said for the fact that God once convicted me of going from "house to house" through my computer and phone, instead of being a KEEPER AT HOME, which I might blog about one day)

Anyways, needless to say, I was looking forward to this evening. Of course, as 5:30 neared and I became forced to give up all hopes of getting a shower in, I realized that I couldn't wear anything cute (my legs didn't get shaved), my hair was four days greasy, I had pimples and had run out of makeup. So there went my fantasy of getting the chance to glam up.

Then the kids went nuts. Screaming, hollering, general mayhem... pooping consecutively and getting their party outfits dirty, etc, etc. So there went my fantasy of having perfectly behaved, very well groomed children.

Then Wayne got his knee taken out by some goober during a church football game, and couldn't walk. Consequentially, he was in a knee brace that didn't fit under his suit pants. So there went my fantasy of gliding away on the dance floor with my sexy, suited husband.

We got there anyways, had dinner, smiled at people, and then spent most of the evening chasing down annika. The raffle came and went. I won a coffee pot and a christmas themed center piece. Some old guy from Italy won the laptop. I was LIVID.

No family photos, no romance, no perfect Christmas kids, no laptop. I DID get a chance to have my first beer in what felt like two years, and that was good. But I mean, literally, until this morning I was still kinda shocked, and definitely upset that our night was such a bummer, and that I didn't win that stupid laptop. It just seems unfair. God knows for a fact that in our house, we often wonder where our next gallon of milk is going to come from (although, incredibly, he has provided us with a VERY full freezer and pantry this season, thank You!) so there's no imaginable way that Wayne will ever be able to buy me a new laptop, which means, if this one totally breaks, goodbye internet. Just like our car. If our car goes kaput, as you well know from my endless blogging about it, goodbye life.

So, I grumbled. Alot. It's not so much that I've been whining TO anyone,(well, maybe you guys, but hey--- this is a journal) it's that I've been whining internally, and it shows on the outside. Wayne has been making a real, concerted effort to be wonderful this past week and I'm grateful and it hasn't escaped my notice, but I grumble inwardly because I want MORE. I want MORE out of my husband, I want more out of church, I want more out of my life.
This prompted me last night to begin praying about my expectations. After all, the expectations that I have of my husband were totally off and it screwed us up bad. Ditto for the expectations that I have of my kids. Or my labor. Or my lifestyle. etc.

Todays' sermon was about complaining. The MINUTE Pastor Fletcher started preaching, I knew instantaneously that it was for me. So much so, that Ishod *magically* started wailing the minute he started preaching. Haha. Determined not to let Satan take this message from me, I rushed quietly to the nursing room, where I could watch it on TV while I nursed him . Lo and behold ,a girl was in there who I had noticed the week previous. She had a moby wrap, I had a moby wrap, we started to talk. Turns out the sermon was for her too. (and probably many of the other people there! Hehe)

So we listened intently as we nursed, amening, crying a little, the whole way through as we were brought to our knees in repentance of our complaining! Then, I quietly went to the changing table to change Ishod. Upon returning, I felt prompted to share my phone number with her to let her know she could count on me to pray or be there if she needed me to help her as she re-learned to find joy in her life. She told me that as I had been changing Ishod, she had been praying that God would prompt me to give her my number. Wow! So, blessed, we hugged and parted ways.

On my way out the door, I ran into Jeff, our district pastor. He asked me how I was and kind of lingered. Thank God he did.... I was forced to share a bit of what we had been going through, because of the awkward silence!! WHAT A RELIEF to be able to share with our family's God-given authority the truth about what we were going through. But to make matters crazier, He told me that a man (whose wife the Lord has been simultaneously telling me I need to receive Titus 2 information from) who works in the church came in to his office this week and had asked: Tell me about Wayne and Barbie. What's going on with them? At that moment, he (our pastor) had been feeling strongly that we needed intercession! Praise be to God for His absolutely amazing faithfulness... he never hangs up the phone.

Greatly encouraged, I made an appointment for all of us to speak to Jeff this week and walked out to the car, determined to make a new start withOUT the complaining.

We barely made it home before I realized things weren't going to go my way. I really wanted to go home and blog about what had happened, but Wayne had only a couple hours at home before his cell group tonight, and thus he spent it online reading up on the Highland Games for which he is training. I really wanted a nap and a shower, but the kids were both awake alternately. And there it was: life was sucking. And instead of being a changed person, I was a nightmare of inner complaining, until my poor husband, who couldn't take it anymore, left early for his commitment, leaving me wondering just what to do.

He called me from the car and walked me through what was going on. "You've made an idol out of that laptop," he said. "Don't you think God is so much bigger than what you are trying to make Him out to be? It isn't about you. When He sees fit to give you a laptop, if he does, he'll find a way. You have forgotten whats important."
Tearfully, I admitted he was right. Upon hanging up the phone, I realized he was more right than he knew. I had made an idol out of my husband, too.

And my church.

And my kids.

And my house.

And my way of life.


Oh.
my.
gosh.

the learning never ends.