The God who comes to Us.

Christmas is a very special time for me.
It's on Christmas eve that God saved me: He waited gently and patiently until the perfect moment in the span of my life to reveal His majesty, and His glory, and in that moment I literally fell on my knees and wept. It was so real that I was totally unaware of the fact that there were probably over a thousand people present who might think that I was acting strangely---- but then even if they did, I knew that I was safe because they'd been there too, speechless and grateful in the sight of His glory. . . In fact, I'd never felt so safe than I did that night.
It's not just because I experienced God's goodness on Christmas. I also experienced God's goodness from an indirect source each Holiday season-- my family.
I come from a big, happy family, and Christmas was always one of those times that we all came together and worked together diligently so that we would be able to truly celebrate the occasion of the birth of the Divine Infant.
The weeks before Christmas were spent decorating, baking, cooking, sewing, knitting, preparing in every way for the King's arrival. And when it came-- what a joyful feast! I still don't think anyone in the world does Christmas quite as beautifully as Provence.

Now the sight of poinsettias and Christmas trees and the sounds of carols and flickering candle flames are enough to send me tumbling through an emotional roller coaster that makes being around me at Christmas time a very tender experience... and my husband, over the last few years has really begun to experience that.
Anything can send me into a sentimental state this season. Slicing foie gras, when I feel united with the softly weathered hands of my beautiful Grandmother, who served the Lord through the godly raising of a large family, and who, Christmas after Christmas, sliced that same foie gras, lovingly spreading it on baguettes from the corner bakery, garnished with a sprig of parsley from the garden.
This year, my friend Vittorio posted Pavarotti's Ave Maria on his facebook, and I dissolved into tears at the memory of that beautiful music pouring like water out of the shuttered windows of the houses in our village as the housewives rejoiced with Mary at the coming of Christ.
Setting the table, which unites me with my grandfather, who took the job so seriously and did it so reverently that he struck fear into the hearts of those children who might think to touch the table before the day would come. To accomodate everyone, tables would be pushed together from all directions throughout the house, forming a "T" shape that would seat a small country and that filled the entire house from one end to the other. We couldn't all see each other, but we were all together, feasting. Kind of like today... when I'm oceans away from those I love.

God became real to me at Christmas because He came as a baby. To think about that, for me, is just heartbreaking. We humans, made in the image of God, striving always to gain, acquire, and conquer. And here comes our Creator--the One who is the beginning and the end-- in the form of a tiny, helpless, hungry, beautiful baby. Totally dependant on us for comfort. So humble!!!
This is why the Eucharist absolutely blows me away. God is so humble that He comes to us as a little baby, as an unassuming piece of bread, in the things of life which give Him NONE of the glory He is due.
On that Christmas day,. the whole world revolved around a manger in Bethlehem, where a small, truly innocent baby was lying. People came from far and wide to adore Him and offer Him themselves.
Likewise, at Holy Mass, the whole world revolves around the hidden Glory of God in the Eucharist. It is our daily bread (and we should receive it daily!) and people come from far and wide to adore Him in it, and to offer themselves to Him wholly.
Our Lord has truly placed himself a prisoner in His creation by His love for us..... His love for us that trancends what we can see and touch and taste.

Father's homily at mass yesterday reminded me of that: We see the baby lying in the manger and we, Christians, know that lying there is a person worthy of absolute majesty-- a person who is truly a King. This Child-King is the Savior of the world, and the whole world was set in place for His arrival.
But what a good reminder to us to see the worth and dignity of every human person! This Christmas, I was reminded often of the absolute necessity of building a culture of life in our world--- by meditating on what would have happened if Mary would have said "No." No , because having a baby wasn't convenient for her, and didn't make sense.
But also, to think about the significance of the Christ-Child in the lives of those we meet-- those who haven't yet figured out their intrinsic human worth and dignity. We all have the potential to be daughters and sons of the King--- but not all of us realize our dignity. No person you meet or encounter is NOT potential royalty because only the Lord and those who see with the eyes of God can see what lies beneath the muddled surface. We have to respond with love to each person, helping them to find in themselves that human dignity that Satan has helped them to misplace.

I thought about the Eucharist this whole season.
To hundreds of non-Catholics (and even, sadly, Catholics) who, on occasion, come to mass--- people are coming from all directions to receive a dry little wafer and a sip of sweet wine. It's the end of a somewhat long, somewhat strange, somewhat boring ritual and the culmination of a ceremony they don't totally understand and that ultimately, to a charismatic, might seem a bit dry if not spiritually dead.
But what they don't realize that they are watching people go up to receive their portion of Life from the giver of Life, who Himself resides in the substance of bread and wine. They don't realize that the bread they are receiving or watching people receive is the bread from heaven that God has always used to teach us who He is.

Just as there were people far and wide who came to see the Christ-Child. Some looked at Him and saw the Lord and the .... others, just a baby. I am never more humbled than when I think of my husband, who for nearly a year watched us come up to recieve that very bread of life He knew His God was feeding us, and not able to participate. I grew up a baptized, confirmed , Catholic, so even when I didn't believe, God gave me great grace in the Eucharist.
But the HOUR I first believed, both in HIM (at Christmas) and in HIS COMING TO ME (at Easter) I was able to take Him in.... and that is something I cannot take for granted. Some people had to make a long journey to come adore the Christ Child. For some, it was dangerous and rough. They risked a lot, some everything, to come and see Him. But when they got there, they found in that tiny baby all the things they needed for life and godliness. They found themselves transformed.
Likewise, becoming a Catholic is by no means an easy thing. The journey is rough and strewn with dangers. But my husband will testify loudly to all who would listen: coming to the Lord hidden in this unassuming piece of bread is truly coming to Life.

This entire advent and Christmas season, I spent most of my pre-communion moments of prayer pondering the unity of the faith, and longing for those members of the Body of Christ that I know have discovered who they are in Him (those people in my life I know and love who truly LIVE for Jesus) to discover Him not only in the baby at Bethlehem but in the Bread at the Table.
In my experience, there is not one branch of "denominationalism" (aside from those which, obviously, are heretical and anti-scriptural) that can't find a home in the Catholic Church somewhere. The variety of "flavors," in existence in Catholicity is astounding---there is nothing more beautiful than the wide variety of types of spirituality and the different Christian "lifestyles" within the structure of Catholicity. There is never room to be bored! From the most freewheeling pentacostal Catholics to the most serious and reverent traditionalists, and everything in between, there is room at the table. Every branch of protestant "style" could so easily find a place at the table as well, and the only thing keeping them from doing so is a thorough study of the Catechism and a grasp of what Catholics REALLY teach vs what protestants are afraid they teach. I thought so much about what it would be like to sit with all of my beloved friends on either sides of me at worship.... and to go, one by one, before the Lord and take Him in in such a special way, like Christ's visitors came one by one. As a protestant, we used to say that we would lay our life as an offering at the feet of Christ. What better imagery to describe what we do during Holy Mass, literally coming up one by one to receive Him into our bodies, souls, and spirits in a new way each day.

I thought so much about my friends, my non-Catholic friends, and my heart was just stretching heavenwards as I prayed that one day we would ALL share at the same table.

Around the year 150, only 150 years after the death and resurrection of Christ, Justin Martyr said this about what Christian worship looked like in the early church around him.

He said:
“On the day named after the sun, all who live in city or countryside assemble in the same place.” “We gather on the day of the sun because it is the first day, when God transformed darkness and matter and made the world; on this same day Jesus Christ, our Savior, rose from the dead.”
He goes on to describe that if there are persons to be recieved into the community of believers, a baptism would occur.
"After we have thus cleansed the person who believes and has joined our ranks, we lead him or her in to where those we call ‘brothers’ are assembled.” It is the person who has been “initiated” by baptism that is brought into the fellowship of “brothers” wherein the Eucharist is celebrated. The Eucharist is not a gathering open to the “general public”; only the initiated–that is, baptized believers–are invited to participate in the Eucharistic assembly. Justin continues his Apology by noting that prayers are offered “in common for ourselves, for the one who has just been enlightened (i.e., baptized), and for all human beings everywhere.” After the common prayer and proclamation of the Word, Justin Martyr describes participants in Worship as greeting each other with a "Holy Kiss."
then “Memoirs of the apostles or the writings of the prophets are read for as long as time allows.”
He describes what happens next: “Bread and a cup of water and mixed wine are brought to him who presides over the brethren. He takes them and offers prayers glorifying the Father of the universe through the name of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and he utters a lengthy eucharist because the Father has judged us worthy of these gifts.”
He goes on to say that they then “distribute the ‘eucharistified’ bread and the wine and water over which the eucharist has been spoken, to each of those present; they also carry them to those who are absent.”
“No one may share it [the eucharist] unless he believes that our teaching is true, and has been cleansed in the bath of forgiveness for sin and of rebirth, and lives as Christ taught.”(...)
“For we do not receive these things [bread and wine] as if they were ordinary food and drink.”
(...)“But, just as Jesus Christ our Savior was made flesh through the word of God and took on flesh and blood for our salvation, so too (we have been taught) through the word of prayer that comes from him, the food over which the eucharist has been spoken becomes the flesh and blood of the incarnate Jesus, in order to nourish and transform our flesh and blood.”

What he is describing is the Holy Mass... the way we still have it today, the way it will always be until Jesus comes again:
We read and proclaim the Word of the Lord, we pray, we wait for God to show up, He does so in the Eucharist, we recieve the Eucharist, we are filled and renewed. Day in, and day out, Catholics the world over are celebrating Christ the way He has always been celebrated since the day of His coming to us at Christmas. I long for the day that all of my beautiful friends who love God and love Him wholly can recieve Him WHOLLY, not just in Spirit, but in substance, to fill their lives with Christmas joy all year long.

(all references to Justin Martyr's writings in this blog can be found on Justin Martyr's Apology: http://ststephens1928.org/Justin%27s%20Apology.htm)

Is your work up to standard?

I read this today on a friend’s profile. It was about military wives, but I have to say, it brought a tear to my eye because it reminded me of me!

The good Lord was creating a model for military wives and was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared. She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one. What's wrong with the standard model?" The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be completely independent, possess the qualities of both father and mother, be a perfect hostess to four or forty with an hour's notice, run on black coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even if she is pregnant and has the flu, and she must be willing to move to a new location ten times in seventeen years. And oh, yes, she must have six pairs of hands." The angel shook her head. "Six pairs of hands? No way." The Lord continued, "Don't worry, we will make other military wives to help her. And we will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in her husband's achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when it is overworked and tired, and be large enough to say, 'I understand' when she doesn't, and say, 'I love you', regardless." "Lord", said the angel, touching his arm gently, "Go to bed and get some rest. You can finish this tomorrow." "I can't stop now," said the Lord. "I am so close to creating something unique. Already this model heals herself when she is sick, can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave goodbye to her husband from a pier, a runway or depot, and understand why it's important that he leave." The angel circled the model of the military wife, looked at it closely and sighed, "It looks fine, but it's too soft." "She might look soft," replied the Lord, "but she has the strength of a lion. You would not believe what she can endure." Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord's creation. "There's a leak", she announced. "Something is wrong with the construction. I am not surprised that it has cracked. You are trying to put too much into this model." The Lord appeared offended at the angel's lack of confidence. "What you see is not a leak," he said. "It's a tear." "A tear? What is it there for?" asked the angel. The Lord replied, "It's sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride and a dedication to all the values that she and her husband hold dear." "You are a genuis!" exclaimed the angel. The Lord looked puzzled and replied, "I didn't put it there."



Peter has been working for this company now for a while, and we are really starting to get the hang of our new life. I’m able to better schedule my days when he is away which in turn is good for the kids and helpful to me. I’m productive, even if I am somewhat lonely—I definitely miss having my honey around!
I can’t help but compare this life to the military life I somewhat yearn to have in the sense that I’m here, hubby’s otherwise deployed, his work leads him all over the place, I almost never know where he is or when he will have to go until he is able to contact me, and even then, we can only talk for brief periods of time.
His work is dangerous. Crazy dangerous. Five or six days a week he is hanging from buckets over bridges and mountains, crouched on a working runway of an airport, or chest deep in a ditch that could give way any moment.
People are dying and getting injured around him.
The kids want to know every day where daddy is, and when he’s coming home. They miss him. I miss him.
It differs from the military life for a couple reasons. First, while the PAY is the same, the BENEFITS are nonexistent. Military families get paid very little too, but they have housing, food, bills, and assistance in all aspects of their life—from health insurance to counseling, from tax breaks to school. We get no benefits from this job, and in fact, every day he does it is a day we risk getting really screwed by medical bills should he ever (God forbid!) get injured on the job.
Second, there is none of the comeraderie military families enjoy. On my end, there are no other wives around who are living the same time of life. While my military wife friends definitely GET the whole “he’s gone, where is he, he’s home, yay” stuff (missing baby’s first steps, and words, and things like that) they are still very clustered, for the most part, in their military world. Their husbands work TOGETHER and they all know each other, whereas most of the guys Peter works with aren’t married and I don’t know what any of their home lives are like. I cannot call his co-worker’s wife and see if she’s had any news, or if they know what to do about X, Y, or Z company event that we’re supposed to partake in.
On his end, there is no comeraderie. The guys he works with are essentially what I would consider the scum of the earth--- most of them spend every waking moment they aren’t working at strip clubs and getting hookers, and drinking themselves into oblivion. Which, I’ll admit, is not really that different from lots of Joes I know (ahem!) but at least in the military he would ideally (and I know this isn’t always the case) have this BOND with the guys, no matter what, of brotherhood--- like they would all be on the same team. The guys Peter works with LIVE and WORK together just like soldiers, but instead of making it easier by developing bonds and getting to know each other, they make it harder by indulging nasty attitudes and bad habits that basically keep them irritated at each other and unbearable.
In the military, part of the comeraderie is that you just can’t “get out.”
And in this economy and in a city like this one, we feel just the same: it took us over a YEAR to find a decent job and it wasn’t even decent—we sure as heck arent’ going to turn around and abandon what we’ve got.
I always wanted my man to go back into the Army and so far, that just hasn’t happened, but I can’t help but notice that God has given me a life right now that’s incredibly similar—a life where it takes a GREAT amount of grace to get through each day…. I have to be as tough as nails most days and yet still know how to be the best helpmeet I can be for my man.

I’m not saying all this because I’m having a little pity party, but rather because I’m just so proud of my husband for manning up and doing the right thing… for realizing that he has to just keep on truckin’ even though the circumstances are dire, because we—his family-- are counting on him.

Around here, not a day goes by that I don’t hear someone praise and extol the military man: it’s on billboards, in our churches, and in our storefronts. I see signs saying thank you on the highway and in my neighbor’s yard, people wear it on their shirts and people plaster it on their cars: They are proud of their military husbands!

And I guess what I’m saying is that today, I want to thank the average working man too. I’m thankful that I have the kind of husband who does what a soldier does and who selflessly gives himself even though no one but ME (not even his boss!) will ever tell him how thankful I am.
To the outside world, his life does not reflect the honor and glory and pride that beams from every soldier’s well polished uniform, but I know what his life is like--- and I see that he LIVES by those values we memorized so long ago in basic training: Loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity, and personal courage.
When I was IN the army, I rarely saw a day where all those values were actually represented by the people around me. I’m thankful that I have a husband who reflects them in his personal life!

So today, I’m saluting the hard working man: be he soldier, plumber, or electrician…. You guys are amazing……..thank you from the bottom of my heart.

On Child Training

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these days on raising my kids. Part of it is because where my kids used to be my “pride and joy” six months ago, I’m realizing little by little how frustrated I am that they are slowly slipping out of being “ordered” and acting what we consider “well mannered” to taking over our house and our lives. It seems in the last six months that something has sort of “snapped” in me and I’ve lost my way, and I’m only now beginning to put my finger on what happened… thankfully before it’s too late.

I got a wake up call the other day when Peter and Andy sort of accosted me with this “what’s the deal with the change in your parenting” moment I was NOT prepared for at all, and now after last night’s throwing the fish across the room incident I’m pretty much convinced that I’ve lost my way and I need to find it again.

I think a big part of it was that Peter took this job where he isn’t home during the week. This gave me a lot of freedom to order the day how I wanted, etc, and that was good, but in that I completely flew off the social side and started being gone from morning ‘til night more than three days out of the week. I was escaping the “quiet,” and that caused the kids to see and experience some things that were less than ideal alongside our outings… For one thing, I was putting them in the nursery a lot and for another, I was ignoring their naptimes and eating times--- or accommodating them but in a way that suited me—and consequently not giving them the training, discipline and attention they need to thrive.

Also, I’ve gone from hanging around moms who are SUPER pro “The Rod” and “breaking wills,” etc to moms who are WAAAAAY crunchier in their parenting, and that has made an impact, believe it or not, on my own parenting because of the simple fact of association--- I’m more prone to respond in one way if another mom I’m with would do the same, either out of laziness, a desire not to offend the other mom, or even just a complete forgetfulness because other moms aren’t into the parenting style I have carefully selected with my husband. It can be so frustrating!

Let me be clear--- each person has different goals for their parenting, and each parent must choose what they will do and say based on those goals. I’m not saying any one parenting style is BETTER than another, I’m saying that there is a particular parenting style that is better for our OUR FAMILY, because its goals and outcomes match up with the goals and outcomes we have. Nevertheless, I know that kids are not machines, and that no amount of “tweaking” will simply “fix” them--- each child is an individual and I expect to see that more and more as time goes on.

That being said, those who read my blog know that I’m a big non-AP person. (Although I am obsessively pro-breastfeeding, baby wearing! Go figure)
My big parenting tips which I’ve gathered from a dozen or so interviews of what I would consider “successful” parents (parents of large families who have kids that love God, are respectful, kind, and well-balanced) alongside various books and websites written by what I would consider “successful” parents, all sort of float around the same idea… my theory of biblical parenting that I’ve written and re-written several times can be found here on my old website: http://www.freewebs.com/shekinnah/theheavenlyfamily.htm along with the full text of my favorite parenting book ever, To Train Up a Child.

The main points of it are that in our family we want to emphasize: Love of God and each other, servanthood, fruitfulness, and obedience. These are the things we think will later form our children into fruitful people in God’s economy. Some ways we do that are not to force them into prayer and worship time but to enjoy it with them and to make Jesus real to them by incorporating His presence into everything we do. (We even give Him a chair to sit in at the table right now!)
We try to give them chores and jobs that help them learn not just responsibility but pride in their work. We have expectations in them. We don’t advocate silliness but rather productiveness and seriousness—we want kids who take themselves and life seriously. We ALWAYS have fun, but we have fun while working, and work is what we do all day--- from sunrise to sunset, even playtime is work…. We “play” at cooking , building, cleaning, driving, doing chores, caring for others, and things like that. We teach them to REST. We try to cultivate gratefulness (although with toddlers, that’s not so easy!) and we try to teach them that consequences are real.

In all of that, the main thing I’m trying to get in the habit of doing right now more than ever is to consistently follow through with every limit I set, and to consistently reward every positive behavior that is done of the child’s own accord. I don’t think people should be applauded for “doing the right thing” (like, Peter and I go totally crazy when we catch an Oprah or Dr Phil clip where everybody in the room gives a standing ovation to a guy who pays child support. We’re like, uh yeah. Why are we clapping. That’s NORMAL.
In the same way, we don’t want to make a big hooplah over our kids eating all their peas or picking up their room, but we also realize that kids respond very well to praise and so we praise them ESPECIALLY for the good they do of their own accord—nothing warms my heart like hearing “look mommy! I’m cleaning up!”

Hanging around with more AP moms than not lately has done two things for me: first, it’s opened my eyes to the “Gray areas” – the fact that what works for ME isn’t necessarily going to be what works for someone else just because God’s doing it in me. In other words, just like both of my kids are completely different and require completely different ways of handling them, my friends and I, as God’s children, are unique and require different types of handling to bring us to the same result. Thus, I’m learning a lot about the “Grayness” of a biblical worldview through this experience. Likewise, It is solidifying that the parenting choices Peter and I decided upon are really good for our family and our goals. They WORK for us, and more importantly, they suit us and our ideals and our worldview. They fit.

For example, I was recently talking on the phone with a friend who shared her frustration over her own friend's reactions to her daughter's willful spirit! She was surrounded by women who told her: "What you need to do is you need to is, you need to get a rod, and you need to break that will!" This dear woman's concern was that in the process, she was going to somehow injure her beautiful daughters' spirit, and that, for her, was a no-go. She shared with me that she wanted her daughter to remain completely willful and spirited--- for her, it was a gift of strength of character and one she didn't want to spend hours breaking/destroying.
Funny thing is, she doesn't know this, but she might as well be talking about me! I'm TOTALLY of the "break the will but not the Spirit" variety, and I am a complete loudmouth about the importance of breaking your children's wills. I believe it would have been a gift to me if my own parents had figured out how to give me self-control and obedience as a present, and I hope to be able to give that to my own kids as well. I really, really, really really want my kids' wills broken BEFORE they hit five so that they experience the joys of obedience, trust, faithfulness and submission as they grow old, and I KNOW that freaks a ton of people out, and I'm not really apologetic about it. I'm a believer, and for me, that's that.
Nevertheless, in listening to her tell her story, I couldn't help but smile at how God keeps bringing me face to face with the grey areas of life: In my house, an unbroken will causes misery, but for her family and to hear her talk, it obviously brought her great joy! So even if God has given me the answers for ME, this prayer warrior across the globe had searched and recieved different answers for now, and that needs to be OK with all of us!

Anyways, all this has made me realize that in the last six months my kids have REALLY not been given my best as a parent. I have failed to follow through in my commitments as a parent, in the things which I have promised them and myself, and more importantly God, that I would do!
I’ve been neglecting my duties all the while feeling justified in it because I was “protecting them” by being an extra –attentive mother--- I just wasn’t paying attention to the right things, and honestly? I’m so excited that I caught it now.
Last week, I was given a wake up call and a warning, and last night’s meltdown really showed me that the warning was 100 percent justified…. So now I’m rolling my sleeves up and getting to work, and hopefully that struggle will pay off in the long run. Please pray for me as a mom, for my husband who is the hardest thing ever: an absent daddy, and for the kids, who need it most!<3

On how to be the best Catholic you can be.....

On how to be a good Catholic----

I recently received two emails asking me for advice and tips on the daily life of a Catholic—in other words, that asked the question: How can I be the best Catholic I can be? I realize that this question seems funny to my protestant readers, because the obvious answer is: love God, and love one another. But one of the awesome things about being a Catholic is that I get to use concrete examples and not be afraid of sounding “religious.” (which, for you Catholics reading, is a word with a positive connotation for you, and a negative one for the protestants! Whew. If only we all spoke the same language!)

Anyhoo, so I thought I’d blog a little “rule of life” for those people returning to the Church and not quite sure of where to start.

I’m going to use the Socias’ Handbook of Prayers as a basic guideline because it has a great section in the beginning on just this topic!

First, being the best Catholic involves recognizing the call to Holiness in your own, individual lives. You might not be called to do much more than love your husband and kids and go to Church on Sundays, but no matter what, you are called to be holy.
This means you are called to a life of PRAYER:

Prayer, for most of the Catholics I know is to curl up with a prayer book. (sounds pretty Jewish, huh? :P)
But for me, prayer is more than that—it’s connecting with God, reaching out, laying out your Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication (remember ACTS, in that order, if you freestyle pray) and basically speaking to Him as your friend and Savior. I don’t think there’s anything WRONG with praying from a book, and in fact, I do it all the time, but I do think you need to learn to speak with God in a familiar manner—that doesn’t mean “take out the Thee and Thou stuff,” but rather really pour out your heart to Him. He is a God who calls you friend.
Catholics and even (especially!) non Catholics can pray the Liturgy of the Hours together with the whole church at set hours like all members of the clergy and religious orders. That has certainly been a MAJOR blessing in my own life and a source of great fruitfulness in my prayer life.
But many of you don’t have the time the LOH requires and to you I would say: Get yourself a Bible and a good prayer book and pray the scriptures, pray the prayers of the Saints that have gone before, and do so at LEAST in the morning and in the evening. In my opinion, first thing in the morning and last thing at night is best.
I also highly recommend praying the Rosary, which teaches you to meditate on Christ’s life through the eyes of the follower of His He has glorified above all other disciples: His mother, Mary. Quite honestly, if you pray nothing else BUT the Rosary each day, I’m jumping for joy over here!
Another thing you can do is pray scripture: Read a passage and stand on it, as we say in nondenominational land--- literally BELIEVE it by speaking it back to God. His word is perfect, so it is a perfect prayer!
Likewise, we pray perfectly when we prayerfully and reverently attend Holy Mass… which is the Church’s perfect prayer.

Secondly, you are called to a life of SELF DENIAL:

This is going to be a deal-breaker for many of my protestant readers, but I’m not going to hide it—Catholics GET the concept of fasting like nothing else. Why? Because as Catholics, we are called to join our suffering to Christ’s and especially to remember that the way of perfection passes by the way of the Cross. Mortification, as it is called, leads us to be Holier people. We learn to decide to give ourselves as an offering for those who cannot or will not, and instead of self-indulgence we work on self-denial. The very productiveness of a fast comes from a simple truth: denying ourselves our bodily desires draws us to new depths of holiness.

Thirdly, you are called to a life of WORK.

Yes, work. You cannot escape it. But more importantly, you are a Christian, and so you must sanctify it! We are saved by grace, through faith FOR good works. Let us never forget the works (although works alone will never lead us to heaven.) Be good to one another. Be kind. Take care of each other.

The Handbook summarizes the things we must BELIEVE to be Catholic:
- That there is One supreme, eternal, infinite God, creator of heaven and earth.
- That the good will be united with him forever in heaven and the wicked who die unrepentant will be punished for ever in hell.
- That God is a Holy Trinity: Consisting of three persons, coeternal and coequal: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.
- That Jesus Christ, the Second person of the Trinity, became man and died on the cross to save us.
The tenets of the Apostles Creed, which reads: I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
the Maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost,
born of the virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, dead, and buried;
He descended into hell.
The third day He arose again from the dead;
He ascended into heaven,
and sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty;
from thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Ghost;
the holy catholic church;
the communion of saints;
the forgiveness of sins;
the resurrection of the body;
and the life everlasting.
Amen.
- Commandments of God and the Church (In other words, know Scripture and when you have doubts about Scripture’s meaning, turn to the Catechism of the Church for correct doctrinal answers)
- That the Seven Sacraments were instituted by Christ to give us GRACE, especially that baptism is necessary and that the Eucharist is a pledge of our future glory.
- That sacred Tradition (the TEACHINGS of the Church Fathers) and Sacred Scripture together form one deposit if the Word of God and are entrusted to the Church.
- In whatever God teaches us through her Church, which in her teaching cannot be deceived or deceive. (This last part is a hefty requirement which I want to expound on: it isn’t that the Church can receive NEW revelation (Amanda and I always love to use the whole… “OK, now all Catholics are going to wear purple on Thursdays” thing. No.) Rather the Church as a whole – just as we do individually—receives a constant deepening of her theology and her doctrinal understanding. Through this revelation, God speaks to us corporately.

Now, onto what they call a spiritual game plan, and what I would call a rule of life:

1. Get up at a fixed time, as early as possible. Not only does the book recommend this, but so, might I add, does scripture! So try to maintain a regular amount of sleep and get up early to get the day started right. I bless myself with Holy Water as soon as I wake up, to remind me of my baptism.
2. The book recommends offering your day to God through the intercession of our Lady. In other words--- Tell God that He has your whole day, and make sure to ask Mary to pray for you that day to help you stay close to Him throughout it.
3. Work with order and intensity throughout the day as a service to God.
4. Try to attend Holy Mass, receiving daily communion, if at all possible.
5. Spend some time in mental prayer before the blessed Sacrament. (Jesus in the Tabernacle, for those who don’t know what that is)
6. Pray the Rosary (and if possible, with your family!)
7. Do some spiritual reading. Start with the Bible, but read also the writings of the Saints.
8. At the end of the day, make a short examination of conscience and resolve to amend, repent, and turn from your sin.
9. Observe the Sabbath and keep it holy. Attend Holy Mass on Sunday, and receive communion on Holy Days of Obligation.
10. Saturday is the day dedicated to the Blessed Virgin Mary. Ask her especially on that day to draw you closer to Jesus.
11. Go to confession, monthly or weekly. Confession is AWESOME and a sacrament of joy!
12. Seek and receive the Spiritual Direction of a mentor in the faith who is wise and experienced.
13. Spend at least two or three days a year in silent retreat to hear from God.
14. Receive the sacraments, all seven, in your lifetime, and as often as possible.
15. Use sacramentals, and get to know them.

It’s important not to make these things some binding, legalistic obligation that your heart isn’t in, but if you can succeed in taking these things on out of LOVE for God--- I think they will really deepen your spiritual life! Many blessings on all of your journeys, and feel free to comment with questions, etc. <3

Submission

I get asked nearly every day how I can possibly believe in "submission."
There is this gigantic fear in the world that those of us who are suggesting that submission be a part of the marriage experience might somehow be getting ripped off-- that we have been screwed out of our COMPLETE happiness and joy by our own beliefs.
I've been very strongly advocating wifely submission since as long as I have been a Christian. It has so much permeated my experience of Christianity that I cannot say that I can imagine what being a Christian without it would be like.
But lately, current events have me constantly putting the practice of submission into a concrete context, and I'm seeing and discovering new things about my faith through it.

On the internet and in debates, women who advocate submission are usually very quick to respond "being a submissive wife does NOT mean being a doormat," in the hopes that the other person will understand that they are still empowered, in control, etc etc. I try to refrain from doing that (even though I know alot of you reading have seen me do it before! haha) because I think it comes off as defensive, for one, and also because it sometimes isn't true. There are times, as Oswald Chambers so eloquently puts it, that we are called to be broken bread and poured out wine. Our Lord, who told us to turn the other cheek and to offer to another our last bit of clothing, humbled himself to the point of death on the cross at the hands of fools.

Let's think about that for a minute.
First, He is God. He could have smited any one of those people who were trying to crucify him--- any one along the way TO the crucifixion. In actuality, he could have simply stopped time and made it all start over at 0. He could have caused everyone to come into a deep sleep and put somene else in his place. He could have done anything, but instead He suffered and died for us SO THAT WE WOULD KNOW HIS LOVE AND RESPOND TO IT.
If He hadn't done it, the roman soldier who pierced his side would not have been saved. The Jewish citizens watching would not have been saved. They had to see him DIE to get it.

This beautiful example of submission is represented not only in the perfect submitting that Christ did to God the Father, but even in His humble submission to US. Second, that humility is what makes the event so shameful for us. We see that the God of the Universe submitted to us and allowed us to trample on His life.. and we respond out of a true desire to be united to His suffering and to love this God who died for us back.
Now let's think about that in the context of marriage, or of relationship.

Has there ever been a time in your relationship when you just KNEW your man was wrong? When he just WAS wrong, no two ways about it? What did you do? How did you respond? Was your response indicative of Christ's own example of submission? How ?

For me, I think of it in similar terms. Those of you who are worried that you will somehow lose your power when you submit have it all wrong.
Submission doesn't mean GIVING AWAY that which makes you powerful. It means choosing not to use it.

I have the ability to keep a great job, to raise two or ten kids by myself, to take care of it all, to keep a clean house, to have a great time doing it. There are days when that sounds easier than putting up with whatever my husband has placed in front of me! But quite honestly, I grow MORE when I don't exercise that power but choose instead to lay it at my imperfect husband's feet. Why? Because it makes HIM grow more too.

Now, some of you are saying... wait wait wait. You've all heard me say that I have the type of husband who it sometimes benefits when I DON'T submit-- when I do put my foot down. And that's true--- but it's all in the "how" I do it.
The answer to every question you may ask is Love.

Love brings the action of putting my foot down into the beautiful context of submission, and then it is free to bear fruit. It is because I love him that I allow him the freedom to grow and sometimes to fail. He cannot grow if he does not fail. It is because I love God that I know I need not fear those moments when he does.


I remember the day I read in my Catholic bible for the first time the familiar passage on submission, and realized that the way it was cut into a section in all my protestant bibles it was missing half the point. The verse says to submit to one another. THEN it specifies that we are to submit to our husbands. All of my protestant bibles cut that passage off so that ONLY wives submitted to their husbands but husbands JUST loved their wives. It was deceptive. And puritanical. And messed up. I was furious, and felt so UNBURDENED to be a Catholic--- free to love and to choose to submit.

And yet we know from scripture that a humble and contrite heart is the greatest gift we can give God. I think humans tend to underemphasize true humilty. What is to be humbled? It is to be brought down by someone who is less than ourselves. Likewise, we are told in scripture to esteem others -- even those who are NOT -- as greater than ourselves. Just as Jesus did. True humility is when my husband works with a bunch of drunken loons in the trades who actually think they are smarter than him-- and he lets them think it! True humility is when someone I have always tried to please and be kind to makes me feel like garbage and uses me... and I let her. It wasn't until some recent events in my own life that were really, extraordinarily painful, that I realized the connection between the root of the words humility and humiliation. Humility is when we are humilitated. Get it?
We pray to be humble, but we don't get that we must then be humilitated. We pray for God to take us ALL, but when He does, we protest.

That's why I can say that true submission, which entails humility, can and often does look like staying when you really, in all human fairness, shouldn't. Because I have seen first-hand how that ONE time you just through you REALLY had had enough and couldn't handle laying down your life anymore was the ONE time where it made the other person react with meekness.... and all of a sudden the other person was FILLED with the fruits of the Spirit according to Galatians 5:22-23: love, joy, peace, longsuffering(patience) , gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance(self control)-- and so was your relationship. God's ways work, and I am a living testimony to that fact.

But here's the kicker. I'm teaching a bible study on St Paul for a group of awesome Catholic women--- and in this week's reading, from Beth Moore's "To Live is Christ" -- basically blew me away. In it she said that she had noticed that to those who see things in black and white, God often shows them grey-- and those who see in Greys, God often hammers with blacks and whites. When I read that, I have to say, my heart skipped a beat. I wanted to hunt her down and hug the crap out of her, because reading that lifted a huge burden off of my shoulders.

You see, for me, this submission thing has been right on from day one. I believe the old adage that it is more blessed to give than to recieve. I believe with all my heart that God is constantly calling us to get uncomfortable, to risk it all for others, to give until you cannot give anymore, and then to ask for the grace to give anyways.

I was talking to a friend today who told me that they don't feel called to love everyone. They feel called to be KIND to everyone, but not to love everyone. I told them that that's because they equate love with an emotion. For me, I am called to love everyone, but that's doesn't mean I always am going to be perfectly kind. Sometimes love kicks people in the butt, right? For this person, to love means to give their everything, their all, and to deplete themselves in it.
For me, to love means to choose to give them whatever God has laid on my heart for them, whether it be a kind word, a stern word, or both!

I share this because this is basic Bible 101 for me---things I see as Black and White, or obvious.

And yet I am seeing first hand that there is grey here: how in the lives of other people sometimes there are exceptions to my "rule" that make sense.... In my own case, for example, I needed to stretch the boundaries of the style of submission that I see as "biblical" so that I could better help my own husband. For one person, submission might look like a freshly pressed apron and fresh cookies in the oven. For another, it might be agreeing to go kayaking or to buy a piece of property that she doesn't see much hope for.
For another, it might mean saying yes when she is tired and has a headache, and for another, possibly it means saying "no" and being honest. I dont know. What I do know is that God has to use a TOTALLY different set of circumstances with me as He does with another to bring us both to sanctification, because we are so totally unique that there is no fix-all for our sin. The only fix-all is the blood of Christ, but applying the blood of the lamb is an art that only those who will listen with open hearts and quiet minds are learning how to excel at. May we all learn to sit in silence and wait for Him to speak.

Holy cow, I think that I just figured out that I truly am called to Carmel.

On mothering my way through life

I often wonder what God does with those "desires of your heart" that just don't really get put on His agenda for you. While I love beign a mom, talking with a friend who is a soon-to-be mom and torn between looking for work and staying at home, I'm like... AH! I sometimes WANT to work, but then I think about my kids and I just can't-- I can't not for ME, but for them.
Monday was a Holy Day of Obligation (a day Catholics are required to attend mass-- as if it was a Sunday.) It was the feast day of the Immaculate Conception.
I ignored God's very personal words to me about staying close to my children and put them in the nursery so that I could experience the mass on my terms, only to discover that I was left for a good portion of the experience to watch a dear friend's children, who were uncharacteristically acting up. Of course they were, though, because God was whispering to me that no matter what, children were a part of my calling with regards to serving Him, and that I just can't avoid them. It was a good wake up call. Of course, you know me, I'm hard headed (it's the fiery mediterranean in me! I swear!) so as soon as Tuesday came around I ignored the issue then too and went ahead with my plans and ideas. Come wednesday, both my children were sick and grouchy, and God took me by the hand through a hellish day (peppered with moments of grace!) to show me--He wants me to MOTHER. (It even took a friend mothering ME to bring me to repentance, but Lord knows I needed to undertstand the "why's" and not just the "whats.")
And even then, as thick headed as I am, I continued, acknowledging that God was moving me in one direction and still moving in the opposite. Until today, when he hammered me all day long with anecdotes, plot lines, phone calls, and emails that revolved around one thing: OBEDIENCE.
That's where it all starts, I"m sure you know. The power can't flow if you're actively pushing against the door, right?

So yeah.... there I was today getting absolutely pulverized with the message of obedience.
Last week, God showed me, as I shared in here, in a very special way how he knows and listens to even the SLIGHTEST desires of our hearts.
Come to think of it, He showed me that at the beginning of this week AGAIN, too---and nearly forgot! How easily we forget His glorious works, forgive me, Lord!

I had been REALLY wanting some toddler scissors for Annika-Marie to use and hadn't been able to find any, had settled for these rounded edged normal scary scissors and was really frustrated with arts and crafts time while she practically killed herself at least a dozen times. I had thus said a small prayer that God would help me find some good scissors for her. Lo and behold, the next day when she asked for her "snit jizhers" I reached my hand above the fridge where I kept them to grab them for her and found myself holding a PERFECT green pair of toddler plastic scissors, just as I had dreamed of. It was soo wierd. I asked my friends, but none of them knew anything about them, so I was just left there flabbergasted at the wierd ways God manifests in my life--- He lives in microwave, as you know.

Anyways, so last week was about Him hearing my heart and this week was about me obeying and if I actually put this lesson to good use I'm sure next week will be about something totally different and awesome.
Tonight, I lovingly prepared food for my kids even though I was sick and exhausted and just generally ornery and not in the mood to cook even for myself. I set it on their trays with their favorite drinks and put them in front of their favorite show to give them a happy meal time because I just didn't feel up to it. A half hour passed, the show finished, and they asked to get down. But they hadn't eaten--- not even a bite--- of the delicious meal I had lovingly prepared and awaited them to finish with relish!!! How like these children we are in our walks as children of God. He prepares a feast before us, and we don't touch a thing. Sometimes, we don't even want to come to the table. I learn so much from my children.

Which brings me to the point--- I've been doing some serious soul searching about the mothering vs work thing.
During that mass I was talking about last monday, Father brought up the third grade class for his homily (sermon for you non-Catholics out there) and it was atrocious. They were so poorly behaved I thought I was going to scream, and then it turned out they knew next to nothing about their faith, which made me even angrier considering these were CATHOLIC SCHOOL CHILDREN. Honestly.

Anyways, it really showed me that I couldn't even put my kids in private school--- these children would be a terrible influence on my own and I just can't risk their lives by putting them in the pen with zoo animals. I'd rather keep them with zookeepers, and teach them to care for the monkeys. You know?
Because of this, it was kind of like my last "way out" of homeschooling was gone-- don't get me wrong -- I LOVE homeschool, but there are days when I just sort of wonder "what if" we did it "like everyone else."

So I sniffled a bit about the jobs I'd always wanted but would never have an opportunity to have again or finish working towards: Flight Attendant. Journalist. Nurse. Teacher. Soldier. Cop. Counselor. Secretary for some AWESOME firm I love.
And that's when it hit me: There's nothing like mothering to teach you to help people sit properly in their seats and move luggage and bring beverages in flight. I AM a flight attendant. There's nothing like mothering to research, investigate, and figure out what your kids are doing or getting into. I AM a journalist. There's nothing like mothering to have you bandaging cuts, holding hands during operations, and cleaning up poop! I AM a nurse. There's nothing like homeschool mothering to have you planning lessons and passing out homework! I AM a teacher. There's nothing like Christian mothering to have you directing basic training, preparing people for combat, and leading them through it. I am a warrior! There's nothing like mothering to allow you to lay down the law. I AM a cop. There's nothing like mothering to have you listening and gently guiding! I am a counselor. And there's nothing like mothering to have you elbow deep in spreadsheets and email... I AM a secratary in a firm I love.

This was huge for me. I get the best of both worlds, and I didn't even realize what a blessing it was-- I didn't have to choose. God is awesome, even when we forget. God is good.... all the time.

On keeping house.... some tips.

Been getting ready for the new year by getting organized again--- I got a little bit too social this last season and forgot my personal goals and my goals for the family, and I'm now making up for it by re-doing my housekeeping the way I want it and with some extra work in the cleaning department that I had neglected. We will probably be moving in February because our lease will be up, so we are looking to simplify, simplify yet again. (yay!)

Part of that is making my 2009 (is that really possible???) control journal and this year I'm doing it differently. I realized I am not prone to "fill in" stuff so I'm making my own-- and of course I'd be happy to post pics when it is finished. Those of you who aren't familiar with Control Journals-- they are something we Monica-on-Friendsesque housewives make to help us stay organized. Usually, mine are a binder or small leather organizer with schedules, notes, and important stuff to keep on hand-- cleaning schedules, daily schedules, family projects, etc.

For lots of amazing moms' great control journal ideas, just google it or follow this link:
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=com.google%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=650&q=Control+Journal&btnG=Search

One of my favorites is fly lady (those of you who don't know her, will love her!)

I know I've posted mine in the past and I'll continue to do so as it expands and gets better every year. This year, I'm doing it in a classic 5 1/2 x 8 1/2 size organizer so that I can carry it around, partly because I've already got this giant binder for Carmelites that I have to tote around enough too.

Soooo. This also means that Peter and I have revisited the Family Mission Statements to see if any revisions need to be made and I've also added house rules (partly because of my newfound obsession with the Duggar Family (who now have their own TV show! yay!) which have been really fun to make. Over Christmas I'm going to type them both up and put them up in the house somewhere. I borrowed two from the Duggars (hello, they obviously make it work with 18 children!) and a few from the bible, but brainstormed the rest for a looooong time.

So, without further ado, I present the Family Mission Statement (revised)

Our Mission is to advance the Kingdom of God by being the change we want to see in the world. We plan to accomplish this by:

-demonstrating godly love for each other and our neighbors.
-modeling a loving, joyful, and biblically-ordered family life.
-living by faith, and thus growing in character and wisdom.

The Family House Rules:

1. J.O.Y. (Jesus first, others second, yourself last.)
2. Treat everyone in the house with love and respect. No whining-- use your words to be understood, and remember to lead by example.
3. No raising our voices. We always mean what we say.
4. Work first, play later: when in doubt, do it now!
5. Use ONE toy or activity at a time, put it away when you are done, and share when you are able.
6. Never let the sun go down on your anger.
7. Healthy bodies, healthy minds, healthy choices.
8. Before we think "entertainment," we should think "improvement."
9. Respect family events and the family schedule (like dinner, nap, schooltime, devotional time, and family silent time, etc)
10. Practice moderation and find joy in simplicity.

May the Lord bless us and keep us and bring us to everlasting life. Amen.

Aside from these two things, I'm creating new cleaning schedules, new homeschool schedules, revising our family devotional times, and making new four-week menus for the new year.

A few of you have asked me to type out some hints for keeping a grocery budget low. I know a lot of you do coupons and that in itself will probably save you a ton of money. I don't have the time-- I know I could make it, but I don't because I budget without the coupons and do fine. if they could find a way to make coupons electronic, I might do it, but since I already have enough of a problem maintaining control over myself in the "small scraps of paper" department-- coupons are a nightmare.
Instead, I make simple meals, and I use a lot of forethought to help us use everything we buy, which means we save a lot of money AND resources in our environment.

In our house, we eat on a four week meal plan. In advance, I made four weeks worth of menus right down to snacktime and grocery lists to go with them. I pay special attention to how I can overlap them, which means I might do two sets a year-- one for cold months and one for hot months. I do things like looking for where if I bought a bag of potatoes and used six, I could use another three the following week, etc. Once I've done that, it's simple-- I buy generic over brand name in nearly EVERYTHING (there are a couple of exceptions, but they really depend on taste) and I prefer to choose frozen over fresh because of the price difference. The last key is to go without the husband--- they are really good at seeing something "tempting": and just sticking it in the cart.
In the end, I find that I can make a grocery budget go from about 150 a week for four people to between 60-80 a week.
It's pretty awesome!
Additionally, I recommend making things in bulk and freezing them so as to have less work to do, but BUYING things that are not pre-made, since this can get very expensive. I am all for convenience, but it's always MORE convenient to have money in your wallet.
All it really takes is sitting down for an hour or so to determine what your menus would look like, and thinking about them for a week or two before just settling on them, because you may find they need tweaking in the practice of using them (just like a schedule!)

Once you've found one that works, stick to it. That's what it really comes down to: discipline. In my life, I have found that God sometimes requires me to be flexible. and that has been hard, because I'm a girl who loves a schedule. Nevertheless...flexibility doesn't have to mean chaos-- and for those of us with little ones, we know that a schedule makes all the difference in our sanity.

Speaking of children, the time has come to blog a bit about children and discipline. I recently took the "binky" (pacifier) away from my oldest during the day, which sounds like it wouldn't be a big deal but it really is her only "comfort" item--- she just totally loves them, and they are also her coping mechanism. When she has a meltdown, she knows she is not allowed to "throw a fit" so binky is what stops it--- and now that we don't have binky-- she doesn't know what to do with herself. We've been working on taking some breaths, doing a down dog or a cobra... and that seems to work pretty well. Nevertheless, the experience has reminded me that it's my job to help her learn to get control over herself, and thus I've felt extremely convicted lately about not taking this responsibility seriously and allowing her to just kind of go through life doing what she wants to do.
It doesn't help her in the long run, it hurts her. And I know this, I'm always telling others that, but I had forgotten it for myself.

The binky experience was a good reminder that I need to stay on top of correcting my kids and not just soothing them.... it took me a while to remember the point of my parenting is to help them learn what then need to succeed in God's Kingdom, not this one. :P

My family in France sent me this huge box of stuff, including some pictures and drawings me and my brother had made as children. It was a totally bizarre experience going through these books he and I had written at 7 and 8 years of age-- his were all about being a paratrooper, and now he's in the 82nd, 15 years later, and mine were all about a journalist who investigates haunted houses--- sound like anyone you know??? It's wierd to think that even then, who we "are" was being written on our hearts. So I want to guide my children.... help them to discover how to be their best now, when it is all being decided.

Having a hard time....

Having a hard time retaining my good mood after seeing this:

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/12/abortion-indian.html

Indiana's Planned Parenthood is appartently offering gift certificates to be given as gifts for a pap smear, breast exam, or------ yes, an abortion.
Aside from the fact that some people seem to think that the celebration of the live, healthy birth of an infant life-bringer includes gleefully sending a free babykilling certificate, what in the heck makes sense about someone offering such a gruesome and thoroughly creepy gift? Oh, that's right. Nothing.

The world is rapidly spinning towards oblivion on it's axis. Wake up, America. This is disgraceful.

Having a hard time....

Having a hard time retaining my good mood after seeing this:

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/12/abortion-indian.html

Indiana's Planned Parenthood is apparently offering gift certificates to be given as gifts for a pap smear, breast exam, or------ yes, an abortion.
Aside from the fact that some people seem to think that the celebration of the live, healthy birth of an infant life-bringer includes gleefully sending a free babykilling certificate, what in the heck makes sense about someone offering such a gruesome and thoroughly creepy gift? Oh, that's right. Nothing.

The world is rapidly spinning towards oblivion on it's axis. Wake up, America. This is disgraceful.

On mothering

I'm going to go out on a limb here and share some truly personal things that I think, as I look around, need to be said.... things about mothering, and more specifically Christian mothering.

To start with, let me just say that I am particularly blessed to have many close friends from all walks of life and in different situations. Some of my friends are currently waiting, hoping, praying to get pregnant and "start a family." Most of these girls know that the Word says that children are a BLESSING from the Lord, and are crying out to God with their whole hearts and souls for this blessing. These are Christian women, so they will not go the route of artificial insemination, etc. They simply trust God that in His goodness, He knows more than they do about what is best for them. I pray for them daily to experience the joys of motherhood, all the while knowing that with each passing day God increases their spiritual motherhood.
Others have a few kids (one or two, like me) and are either thriving completely or totally off their rockers and tired of having children, ready to simply sit back and watch these two handfuls grow. I pray for them daily and know that each day, God increases their ability, their confidence, and their right attitudes towards mothering.
Others have what, by today's standard, would be called a large family: five to six kids. These are families who clearly recognize the benefits of just letting go, letting God, and all the while who are living testaments to their pro-life stance... some of them have kids who are a little wild, but all of them enjoy and love their children.
Then I have the friends with what the world would call "impossibly" large families: families which have between 8 and 11 children. This is the type of family I grew up in and around and the type of family which I would really love to be myself--- just big, beautiful, crazy, fun, and loving. Most of my friends who have these quantities of children are absolutely, breathtakingly disciplined... and it shows in the behavior of the kids.

I see a lot of different things when I look at the world of mothering: parents tend to go one of two ways... either totally AP, or totally Babywise, or a little of both... combining the nurture/love/listen to your individual child attachment parenting idea with the discipline and self sufficiency of the Babywise/No greater Joy lot. I'm one of those people who shudders at the sound of the letters "AP," and yet who babywears, breastfeeds, and "listens to her children."

So let me say first that my kids are FAR from what I would consider "perfect." My daughter tends towards exercising her dramatic flair and my son, well, he's a bit of a mamma's boy and taking his sweeeet time with developing, if you know what I mean. But they do have these amazing sides to them that blow me away. When Annika-Marie is rested and has had a really productive day, (ie on her best behavior) she can be the sweetest, kindest, gentlest and most thoughtful kid. She has been saying yes please and no thank you since she could say "Gaga" and is the first to ask "can I help you, mommy?" Ishod, well, he's still a baby, but he's incredibly sweet and snuggly when he wants to me and he is very interested in helping me too.
The point is that like everyone else, I struggle, I try things, I switch them for other things, I adapt, I wonder how I'm doing, and sometimes, I stress out that I've got it all wrong. But on nights like tonight, I'm so thankful for my little blessings.

Peter and I have taken a very, very big step and begun to practice NFP WITHOUT the pulling out. First, because we realized that we were totally sinning when we used the pull out method, and second, because we feel ready to do the right thing and just TRUST God. Which has had a very deep effect both on our sex life and on our outlook. He is finally coming to terms with the fact that we "might" have another child, and I am finally coming to terms with the idea that it's going to have to be a miracle conception because NFP really works. :P I tell you this not to clue you in on our sex lives but to let you know what a difference in our lives this is--- we both feel that God is preparing us for an ever-growing family, and that's huge because I don't feel so "it's never going to happen" about the desires of my heart. Meanwhile, we are learning that God has to see us being faithful with what's in front of us (funny how we can learn that lesson a hundred times and still forget it!!) and so we're doing what we can.
Thus, He has prepared us in the past by helping us to detach from our "posessions." (California, etc, was a great learning ground for that--- we had to sell and lose it ALL in order to get more. It was phenomenal to see our faith grow with that journey.)
Then, he has prepared us by helping us learn to live on a strict budget: our grocery bill averages at 60 (75 now that I'm off of WIC-- yay! First step to independance from government programs!) bucks a week and we work hard to keep it that low.
I've learned to make menus, plan, grocery budget, switch our utilities around, and to do without. Which has been an excellent lesson for me because there REALLY was a lot of work to do, me coming from such a snotty, carefree, richie California background and whatnot. When I moved here, I thought it was unthinkable not to have your nails done each week, or to miss out on "Sushi and a movie" night followed by a trip to my local wine bar.
Now I'm eating frozen veggies and making my own bread and using Pert plus with NO blow drying.

The point I'm trying to make here is that there is much room for growth in all of us, and that we have this idea that we "have to" do things a certain way when often, it's just that "way" that God wants us to change.

Am I jealous when all my old friends are jetting around between NY and LA and drinking cosmos and lugging around prada purses? Sure. A little. But honestly, I wouldn't trade them their lives for my own because I'm growing so much in my interior life that I wouldn't want to lose any of that.
Likewise, I've really come to the understanding that as a Christian, NOTHING can be more important than my kids because I will never be able to affect anyone for the gospel as much or as deeply as I will my kids--- I have their undivided attention, and that's not nothing. Because of this, I want more kids, because that's more souls that I can train to devote themselves COMPLETELY to the Lord, to do good and to live RIGHT. The world is getting crazier, but Christian children are getting holier.

I have a friend who recently suggested we need to boycott Victoria's Secret because of their scandalous storefronts. Another friend asked me what I thought about Dr Dobson suggesting that his listeners boycott stores who say "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons' Greetings" Rather than "Merry Christmas." I see this stuff and I cant help but think that none of us gets it. As my friend Jennifer rightly pointed out, we don't boycott ONE store without opening up a whole can of worms...after all, Victoria's Secret is made by the same company that makes a lot of other brand name clothes. We can't shop at walmart any longer because of the way they get their goods or treat their employees. We can't shop at Target because they support gay marriage. We can't buy "pink" breast cancer ribbon products because their proceeds go to planned parenthoods. We can't use swiffer because parts of its proceeds go to abortion mills and planned parenthood.
Before you know it, you can go nowhere and do nothing. Which is kinda the whole point I'm trying to make: be not of this world.

That doesn't mean "continue to act as if everything is fine and teh same but you are a Christian." It means.... consume less. love more.

If you need to go to walmart because your family needs a vacuum cleaner for twenty bucks instead of ninety, fine. If you need to have Cable because you want EWTN, great. But don't sit there and create cookie cutter ideas in your head about what you Christian life should resemble and then either fail yourself or fail others when you can't live up to the "ideal."

The key to an effective Christian life is not that EVERYONE should have twenty kids or that everyone should homeschool or that everyone should stay at home or that everyone should wear pinafores or that everyone should bake their own bread or that everyone should boycott Disney. It isn't even that everyone should wake up at four AM and have a family devotional led by daddy, or that everyone should tape scripture verses to their bathroom mirror.

No, the key is to be faithful to what God has put in front of you, to say "YES," to that thing and to throw yourself into it with all your heart, to realize that there is no one you need to look like but yourself, as God made you and IS making you still, and that you need to hand over your life to Him day by day.

The perfect example of this is homeschool. I've been homeschooling since Sept of this year and I'm loving every minute of it. My daughter is two, in preschool, and can do the same things the four year olds in preschool are doing-- count, shapes, colors, words, letters, etc. It's AWESOME. But does that mean I think everyone should homeschool? No way.

My kids are always learning, and it isn't because of homeschool. It's a lifestyle! To see what I mean, here are a couple examples:

I took advantage of a knitting class I was teaching to show Annika the basics of knitting... before we know it she'll be redesigning Clapotis.



Learning colors and counting... and robot machinery.


Here we are learning about the locusts in our yard, doing a little biology lesson:



Visiting the Duke Chapel on a pilgrimmage to learn about our faith:



Skyping with her nanou (my mom) and learning about computers.



Learning about lobsters:



Babywearing and practicing for the day she will be a mother:



Here she's doing a baby down dog (at just ONE year old! She's my yoga bean... her favorite pose is currently Cobra.)



These are just a few pictures to show you the wide range of experiences you can give your own kids at home, doing what YOU do, to help them grow and learn and blossom. THATS the essence of what homeschool is all about, and you don't have to BE a homeschooler to do it. God says to train up our children, so we train up our children. But every family looks different and has different needs.

One of my favorite things to do is "make" my home. I don't have a whole lot to work with, but boy do I love getting organized and just being at home wiht my family!

Here, for example, is my new craft station, right next to the computer desk in the office / homeschool classroom. I have my sewing and knitting stuff right here next to the computer so that I can be productive while the kids homeschool. Knitting projects hanging on the rack, yarn bins under the table, baskets for notions and fabric and what not... it's all there. Yay!



This kind of stuff is simple to do, fun to do, and makes life more productive. Staying at home is a blast when we get to be creative and expressive and productive like this!!!

My point in all this , I guess, is to say that the pressure is off! Following God's call should be an enjoyable, awesome, fun-filled experience. We should always be running around like overjoyed children, awestruck at God's majesty and sovereignty and wisdom, and blessed by His goodness as it manifests in our lives, unfolding before the rest of our families as we become ourselves-- only better!

Is God ever going to give me a big, joyful, godly family? I can only hope so, but meanwhile I can only do what He has put before me: that pile of laundry, that dish in the sink, that diaper to change...

A Father's Faith

This is my grandfather and his family, left center. He passed away November 24, 2007.



A fascinating man, much of his "story" remained hidden to me as a child because he was the typical, traditional, overbearing "Pater Familias" of the mediterranean family--- the patriarch, the central figure, the One who draws the Line.
My memories of him as a child are sparse and frankly, mostly terrifying. He was a deeply intellectual, deeply contemplative family man and I was a runaway teenager who had an itch to experience ALL the world had to offer. We definitely had some rough spots, beginning when I was very young. But as time went by, I began to associate him (and my grandmother) with everything I love about life and family. Celebrations, holidays, heritage, godliness, kindness, charity, hard work, etc. When I recieved Christ into my life at 18, I began to see the empire he was building for the Kingdom, and it was vast.... and I only glimpsed it before his passing.
One of my final memories of him, as I've said before, is of massaging his feet when he was really nearing the end. We had moved his bed from the hospital to the house and since it was supposedly only a matter of days, we wanted him there to celebrate my cousin Claire's wedding. Though he couldn't participate, his bed was placed downstairs so all could come in and out and toast him, say hi, and sit and chat for a while. And he could hear the festivities from behind the curtains.
In this way I found myself, when it was my turn to "keep watch with him," massaging his feet and being really moved... thinking about how many things these feet had done and how many places around the world they had been.
During that time, he and I shared our last conversation, he opened and closed it with a joke, but right in the middle were some of the most profound words I had ever heard in my life.
You see, at the time, I had to wonder and worry about his salvation. He had his rosary, and an icon of the Virgin Mary, and I knew neither one of those things would get him into heaven. Nevertheless, he was at peace, and he loved Jesus, and so I went by my own personal feelings about his faith and found comfort in the fact that "though he was a Catholic," God was merciful and kind. During that conversation, he also reminded me of three things:
First, that I needed to always write, and keep writing, and never stop writing, because that was my gift.
Second, that he hoped that our family, the family I knew and grew up with, had something to offer me and my children.
And third, that I should love God, and adore Him only, and serve Him only.

Those three things have been the cornerstone of my life's experience... and the "whole" of life's joys for me. I imagine it pained him greatly that I wanted to be a protestant.Earlier that year we had buried his sister who was a deeply religious and devoted woman. His other sister was a nun with the Little Sisters of Jesus who also was deeply prayerful for my faith when I walked away from the Church:



His brother was the family priest, and my mother's godfather, who had a profound effect on her life. These people were not just Catholics, they were WHOLLY devoted to the Lord, giving their all for the conversion of sinners and the salvation of the world. I know what their faith was like because I saw it lived out. It was real.

Since returning to the Church, I've often been moved to tears to think of the numbers of rosaries that have been prayed for my return... by my grandmother, yes, but also by my grandfather, my aunts and uncles. And those who have passed on, whose prayers approach the throne of God.

The day I REALLY grasped the concept of the communion of saints was the day I recieved Christ in the Eucharist and was suddenly overwhelmed by the sensation that I was united, in that moment, with Jesus, with ALL the saints, with my living grandmother in France and my dead grandfather in heaven or purgatory and that we were all ONE in Christ. Since that time I have often felt his presence near to me, which is a totally new experience for me. It used to be that dead people were just GONE FOREVER... but I could swear that there have been several times in the past few months when dead loved ones, particularly my grandfather, have been there.
November, of course, is the month where we celebrate and remember our loved ones who have passed on, and it just so happens that the anniversary of his death is in November. Aside from remembering him in prayer and through having masses said for him, I also took the time this year to think alot about the heritage he has left me and thank him for it.
In doing so, I stuck a picture of him in my breviary for last month-- one which was of my family gathered around his deathbed, toasting him, and he being too weak to drink the toast but simply happy to be surrounded by those who loved him. Above his head was an icon of the Blessed Mother. And all month long, I hoped secretly that my grandmother, when she passes, will let me have that icon which was with them both through so many difficult times.

I have said before that it was Mary who helped bring us back to the church, and this is something that I think will bother protestants, so I would like to not dwell on it too much except to say this: If I ever had any doubts as to the special presence of the Blessed Mother in God's Kingdom economy and in my life, they evaporated today when I got my mail.

In it was a shoebox with tape wrapped around it, and inside the box was a set of two icons... both of which I had secretly hoped my grandparents would leave me: the one which sat above their bed and the one which sat above his head when he passed. I had never said a word, but God knew my heart and what I wanted to remind me of His great love for me, and in a special way He spoke to me--- at the very beginning of this advent season when I'm really getting to know her through her actions during Advent and her "FIAT"-- that beautiful "yes" to God that I so want to imitate always---- that Mary is my mother by sending her to me in a way that couldn't be more personal or more meaningful to me. She is really HERE! And it's all God's work in my life, drawing me nearer, teaching faith, hope and the greatest of these three: love. Who better to teach us love than a mother?

She brought me back into perfect unity with God's Church on earth, She brought me into a more perfect union with Christ through the Eucharist and the sacrament of Confession, She brought my husband and I into a true union as celebrated our marriage on a feast day that honors her, She brought my children to Christ by appearing to Annika-Marie holding baby Jesus and through her prayers we experienced a miracle when we prayed on a rosary blessed by her at medjugorje for Annika's healing when she broke her arm, She brought me to Carmel, which has forever changed my prayer life and drawn me deeper into the heart of God, she brought my husband to the Church and gently brought him to a closer walk with Christ, and now here am I am amazed and shamed and broken and filled up and just more in love with God than I ever was before.

A year ago, I never could have imagined this picture making sense.... but now I know that there are greater things at work here than just the box I like to put God in. He is so merciful.



Holy Mary, mother of the Word Incarnate, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

The waiting dance of the coming King

This morning, friends, God gave me a great grace: My jihad against the Satanic darkness that manifests in the form of large bugs in my home (I'm really only half kidding) was successful when I woke up this morning and made breakfast for my darling husband.... when all of a sudden, I saw a Cockroach. I glared at it, and it turned on it's belly.... motionless. Just long enough for me to pick it up and smash it to smithereens. It really just stopped and let me kill it. I've never seen one go down without a fight, and I've been doing this for a looooooong time. I'm telling you, it's a new spiritual gift. :P

Also, yesterday was the first Sunday of Advent. This week, we focus on the element of "Coming"--- we can compare the celebration of waiting for Christ's birth to waiting for His return. The hushed and excited anticipation of the Savior is contagious. In this season, when everything around us is rushing, we wait. Part of the challenge of being a Catholic is not to buy into the world's idea of "Christmas." We are in advent, so we practice enjoying -- relishing-- the waiting for the King. And because of that we don't do all our Christmas decorating the first day after thanksgiving. We don't play Christmas music from now til the 25th. Because when we DO that, once Christmas comes, it's OVER. No, advent, for us, is extremely festive but sort of --- sparse-- to help us remember that Christ's COMING is the celebration. That's why our Christmas decorations stay up faaaaar longer than our neighbors will, and why we will, until then, take the time to focus solely on the empty manger...walking with Mary and Joseph through the events of their fateful lives.

Our Parish bulletin says that Advent is a season of anticipation, longing, and incompleteness. It is a season of quiet and moderation..... preparation for the feast.
Last night we lit the advent wreath for the first time during our Sunday meal after Church, and we will continue to do so every night until Christmas. Annika-Marie calls it "Jesus' birthday cake," and loves to blow it out. Ishod just stares in amazement at the flickering flame. It's beautiful.
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Here is our advent wreath-- I made it Saturday with plants I found outside and some old candles:



The wreath is a clock, but also a crown-- to remind us of our chosen peopleness, our royal priesthood.

Here is the blessing of an advent wreath at Home:

All make the sign of the cross (In the name of the +Father, +the Son, and +the Holy Spirit. Amen.)

Leader: Our Help is in the Name of the Lord
All: Who made Heaven and Earth.

Leader : A reading from (insert approrpriate scripture reading here. We used Isaiah 9:1-2, 5-6 and another good one is Isaiah 63:16-17,19;64:2-7)
The word of the Lord.
All: Thanks be to God.

Leader: Lord Our God, we praise You for Your Son, Jesus Christ: he is emmanuel, the hope of the people. He is the wisdom that guides us, He is the Savior of every nation. Lord God, let your blessing come upon us as we light the candles of this wreath. May the wreath and its light be a sign of Christ's promise to bring us salvation. May He come quicklyu and not delay. We ask this through Christ, Our Lord.

All: Amen!
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In other news, we went to Vespers last night at church (evenging prayer for the liturgy of the hours, for those who don't know what it is) At the last minute, we were able to get a babysitter-- which meant we were prepared for an awesome evening. Unfortunately, I had failed to plan for any "mishaps" during the weekends menus and found that because of some unexpected changes in our weekend, I didn't have anything yummy planned for dinner. So my darling Wayne (whose Christian name is now Peter, so that there's no confusion as I start to refer to him that way) was less than pleased. One of the advantages of having a bodybuilder for a husband is that they take eating, particularly nutrition, very seriously.... and that requires a LOT of forethought. After his workouts, his bloodsugar plummets (he works really hard, so when it's time to eat, he literally turns into a bear until he gets something in his stomach... ladies, some of you might learn something from this--- I have found that when he is acting particularly grouchy, if I feed him a sandwhich, he becomes sweet again.) Thus, on our way out the door he was grouchy and irritating me, of course.
Meanwhile, we arrived at the church. I've never been to evening prayer before at our church. I say the liturgy of the hours every day because of Carmelites, obviously, and it's a HUGE blessing to me.
I imagine it's one of the things that draws people to Islam-- knowing that at specific times throughout the day, people are ALL praying...what a sign of unity. And yet so few Christians are aware that Catholics do this and have always done this.
It takes a while for a person to GET the Liturgy of the Hours. At first, it might seem not just ordinary, but almost irritating. Like the rosary, it is a spiritual discipline that demands two things: an open heart and a willingness to get uncomfortable for God. Because of my protestant-ness, I initially had a really hard time praying from a book. Whereas my best friend Amanda finds solace in the pages of prayers to read, I feel a bit... stifled. At the same time, these are scriptural prayers, pulled directly from the pages of the Bible. So as I pray, I am also immersing myself in God's word. This is good, and I recognize the goodness in it.
I used to pray the hours "on the go." I would realize it was time, and "take five" from my parenting to go in the bathroom and quickly read through it.
Then, I prayed it with my sisters and brothers at Carmel--- and everything changed. One Sunday, I went to Carmelites and heard Carmelite evening prayer...and realized the depth and beauty of this universal Christian prayer.
I tried, after that, to take my time with it.... to do what I had done at Carmelites: chant through it, make time for sacred silence, etc. My appreciation for the LOH began to grow.
Then last month, in my first month of aspirancy at Carmelites, I was encouraged to make sacred space for my hours. To light a candle, to set up an area in your house.... Just like Carmelites in the monastary would have a beautiful choir to go to, I need my own personal prayer chapel in my personal monastary. So I did.... and wow.
I have a prayer rug, that reminds me of the special place I am in with God when I pray. I have a compass, so I can pray towards Jerusalem. I have beautiful Statues of Jesus and the saints so that I can feel them with me when I pray. I light a candle. I cover my head. These things create a beautiful atmosphere of peace and remind me that what I'm doing is sacred, but also that I'm united with my Carmelite community and with Catholics in the WHOLE WORLD... it's truly a symbol of Unity in the Holy Spirit and pure beauty. And I find that when I'm done praying my hours now, I'm freshly washed in the Holy Spirit.... and often that's when my Spirit-man comes to life and I find that my personal prayers just flow---these are the times when tongues come and when the Lord reminds me to pray for things I have forgotten. I love it.

Anyways, so evening prayer at church was a new experience for me, and very, very cool. Peter and I walked in and were greeted by about 25 of the faithful, including some good friends of ours, which was a nice surprise. We were given a candle and all gathered together in the narthex.
The church was pitch black except for the light which illuminates the crucifix. We each lit our candles from the people around us, symbolizing the light of Christ passing from person to person. Then, two by two, we entered the church and walked towards the front, illuminating the space with the flickering light and the sound of our voices praising God. It was STUNNINGLY beautiful.
Evening prayer progressed as usual with two new additions for me: First, the incense. We didn't use incense during Ordinary Time, and now we are using it again. At one point, the priest blessed a bowl of incense and then our friend Brian, an altar server, processed around the Church with this huge bowl of it and just bathed us in it. The bowl was gigantic, and at the end he set it down in the center of the front pew area, before the altar. At that moment we were singing from the psalms: May our prayers rise like incense to meet you, O Lord, and I could see the smoke twisting and curling and reaching its way toward heaven and it was like I was suddenly hit with the tangible reality of my prayers storming heaven and it literally took my breath away.
I also realized the power of MUSIC.... the music magnified our prayers and moved our hearts-- imagine how they moved the heart of God.
All of this to say that I was so happy to be Catholic in that moment--and I know Peter was too.... to see a tangible expression everywhere we turned that reinforced the spiritual realities all around us, to know God more. It was absolutely amazing.

The thing that struck me the most was the element of peace. I thought about how we are always talking about "peace on earth," during Christmastime, and yet here we were, experiencing the only lasting peace: Jesus Christ.

I'm starting a women's bible study on St Paul this week for a group of women I adore in our church. Please pray for it to be life changing for all of us!

May the God of peace pour out His Spirit on us all.