Created to be his helpmeet

I know a lot of people scoff at the notion that I believe I was created to be his helpmeet, so I thought I would share this, which pretty much proves it.

I just found myself tagged in a note my husband wrote about me on facebook, and here it is. I don't think you can imagine the weeping that came out of me when I was done reading it--- what an honor and blessing. The funniest part was that when we talked about it later, he said that I was like that "most of the time." Guess I've got my work cut out for me. :P

Here it is.

THE GOOD WIFE, by Appian Nesbitt

The good wife is like the sun, constant and warm.
She can make a man's head hang down from the brilliance of her strength
And raises up all life with her warmth.
She is always found at good deeds, as the sun is always found in its circuit.
There is no task too menial for the good wife,
Only tasks that may be blessed by her hands touching them,
And those who are blessed by her accomplishments.
She's not always remembered for her deeds,
In fact rarely so.
When people remember her, they remember her kindness first,
And then if they think a little further they recall her deeds.
But all the same, we are beholden for the succor.
The good wife, the kind wife, is a boon.
She's not a scold or a nag, nor does she sing a dirge.
She loves her husband, loves him in spite of him, with a strange fascination.
As a man loves fighting in spite of its ugliness, she loves him in spite of his.
You've often seen it, a beautiful wife with her arms wrapped around her husband
Though he be fat and ugly, stupid and grotesque, uninteresting
Near destitute in morals and money, and yet she clings.
Her honor is dearer than life.
She can no more deviate from her affectionate nature,
Than a statue could bend its knee without breaking.
She is a good wife, the heart of honor.
She is only found at scolding to increase her man's honor,
To spur him on, not for her vanity, but for his.
Other wives are jealous of her, bad wives pretend they are her,
Good wives keep her company, and the dull wives try to convince her
They are her equals. But she is unmatched, save for other good wives
Those epic feminine souls whose good humor and delicacy echo from antiquity
With a haunting vigor... the immutable legacy of noble women.
The shame of vulgar men, the honor of good men,
The mother of all. She is a silent legend
Walking in a world of the blind, who can only hear the scuttle of her feet.
She is strong. She is the Good Wife.

Addendum: and today he changed his status to:
" O my dear wife! She's as hard, as useful, and as beautiful as flint. She's the tip of my arrows (children), the edge of my knife (home), and the flint in my lock (bed)... o, she's a lady, mark that. My Barbara..."

What an honor to be the wife of a man who loves her so.

Spiritual Practices for the season of Advent

This past season of ordinary time has left me feeling both dry and full to overflowing... it has been anything but ordinary and dull.

While I have learned so much, these have been the most trying times I can remember--from adjusting to a move, a change in lifestyle, a painful pregnancy and a new addition to the family to a deeper understanding of those things which I must leave behind in my quest to see God and be with Him always which have been hard to let go of.

Now advent is upon us and I am so excited! I feel a renewed sense of satisfaction in my family and while the situations that I find myself in are not ideal in the sense that they are not "the way I would have done things," I recognize fully that they are exactly as they "should be" for all of our spiritual growth, and I am thankful for that since I want to partner always with God in what He is doing.

Advent is exciting! While the rest of the world is putting up Christmas trees and decorating houses, Catholics are waiting in bare houses marked only by gorgeous candled wreaths, in hushed anticipation of the magic of the season. Long after they have tore down their tree and resumed daily living, we will be sitting in awe of the incarnation and exchanging gifts of love in thanksgiving for the miracle of Christmas. We are meditating, reflecting on the story of the Incarnation and it's meaning in our lives. We are repenting, taking the time each day to acknowledge that we are sinful and in need of a coming Savior. We are preparing the way for the Coming of the King. It's exciting and sobering at the same time, reminding us of what we do daily as we await the second coming.

Aside from advent traditions, for which any number of sources are available, I've been thinking a lot about advent practices- things which I can do to make advent more meaningful for me this year. It's fun teaching the kids about God through traditions, but it's life changing putting into practice those things which we are talking about with our traditions.

So, this year, for advent, here are the things I am doing:

I'm going back to reading evening prayer from the Liturgy of the Hours with my children.

I'm starting each day with St Patrick's breastplate.

I'm praying a rosary in their rooms as they go to sleep after their story, which I start off with the day's reading from Fr Gabriel's Divine Intimacy, a Carmelite devotional.

I am reading them the traditional readings instead of the Novus Ordo readings for the day and we are doing one activity based on the readings (like, coloring/drawing etc)

We are keeping track of things we can offer up and things we can make reparation with.

I am going to try to encourage everyone to do weekly confession.

In doing these things, I hope to instill in them a sense of the sacred work we undertake as we wait for the coming of the Lord. This, in turn, allows to experience the moment when our joy is truly complete.

the paranormal preacher

http://paranormalpreacher.blogspot.com/2009/10/8-principles-of-biblical-demonology.html

Recently made a connection on facebook with a guy from PARAA, a Connecticut-based paranormal research group. I was super excited to read his site and spend some time with his blog, because it was the first time in years that I came across a site that disseminates accurate information about dealing with demonic haunts. So, I guess I just wanted to give the "paranormal preacher" a shoutout. It's nice, SO NICE, to encounter like-minded people.

Tradition!

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a long time, and the previous one before it, know that Peter and I have wanted to work in missions for a very, very long time. You've probably seen us go through trials and frustrations as we pursued missions up and down every avenue. Finally, we became Catholics, and this burning vision to evangelize "out there" became a little bit less important as we learned to humble ourselves and find peace in the situations God had put us in for now. We didn't need a big, visual ministry and hundreds saved each day. We just needed to make an impact in the communities where God called us to live, and we pray that one day God will call us to make an impact in a community that isn't here in North Carolina, and that He will use our language skills and my cultural sensitivity in a way that glorifies Him.

That being said, I got the distinct impression the other day that God is training and preparing us for just that mission. We live with my father in law, now, and he is not a Catholic. He's a nondenominational Christian... by which I mean that he doesn't identify with any major Christian group, but rather has his own "quirks" in his style of worship, theology, and beliefs. He is a tried and true believer, a friend of Christ, and I am so thankful for that.... it's a wonderful example to his own kids and to his grandkids. He delights in praying with the Children, listening to Christian radio shows with them, and reading Bible stories to them in the rocker. It's a true gift.

However, he also has those ever-so-present protestant distastes for all things truly Catholic. While he understands and accepts (and believes!) the Catholic approach to and doctrines about Mary, for example, he is wary of "too much Mary" and is constantly trying to push my Marian daughter out of that. I tell him till I'm blue in the face that she SHOULD trust Mary with all her heart, because the real Mary will ALWAYS point her towards Jesus, but it makes him squirm. He isn't a fan of us doing family devotions in front of the family altar.. and much prefers that we do them in the kids' room. He doesn't often comment on it, but when he does, he makes it clear.

Likewise, he is notorious for getting worked up about his inability to recieve Communion. Which is fine, because on days when he is being reasonable and thoughtful, he is both respectful and understanding of our Catholic differences. It's only on days when he is short on patience that he likes to periodically "stick it to us," so to speak and makes snarky comments intended to bruise, if not wound, our Catholic faith.

Because he has been so understanding, I didn't think that we would have too many repurcussions for the kids living in the house with him. But I'm realizing that I'm going to have to be somewhat vigilant in this area because there IS some distrust on his side. It's not that I have ANY problem with him teaching the kids about faith-- I LOVE it! It's that I don't want him teaching the kids that their Catholic faith is wrong. I don't want him to undermine Sacred Tradition, the Communion of Saints, the Eucharist, or any other doctrine that makes us different.

He spends a lot of time at Walmart, and from the day after halloween Walmart has been full of Christmas decorations. This got him thinking-- he hadn't EVER decorated the house for Christmas, and this year, this was something he wanted to do for our kids. I was honored and excited-- until I heard him mention that he was going to get started this weekend. Suddenly, it dawned on me that we were going to have to fight it out to have a Catholic Advent, and I was broken hearted over it.

You see, Catholics begin by celebrating Advent. It's a period of four weeks in which we prepare our hearts and homes to recieve the incarnation... we focus internally on good works and repentance, we decorate with decorations that symbolize penitence and waiting in anticipation, and we make it a point to fully PREPARE for the coming of our Lord on Christmas Day. Practically, this means that we don't decorate for Christmas (tree, lights, etc) until the day before Christmas Eve, and we keep our Christmas Decorations up for the entire Christmas Season, which ends in February, after the day we celebrate the visitation of the 3 wise men.

It is important to me that we observe these things... they are worthy traditions which I believe will draw our family into an atmosphere of hushed anticipation for the coming King, creating a magic seed which set me ablaze with love for Christ when I was young and did the same. But when I brought it up, my father in law completely shut down. He asked a lot of questions, I explained it as best I could, and he shook his head incredulously and made hilarious comments like this:

Me: following the liturgical year helps us to live OUT the Christmas story as if we were there.
Him: Well, not me, that sounds like a lot of RELIGIOUS nonsense.

Once he came back, calmed from his miffed misery that he wouldn't be able to put up Decorations the day before thanksgiving and take them down before new years day, he agreed to "work with me" as long as what I was asking was "reasonable and feasible."
Gee, thanks.

I hadn't really thought much about the repurcussions of living with a non-Catholic because we've been going through ordinary time-- there hasn't been a ton to "do" around the house to mark the Christian year lately. But now we are faced with my favorite Christian traditions, and our family, children and all, must serve as a beacon of light to invade the closed mind and mental darkness in this good man's daily life. It's a mission, and it's a lot harder and less romantic than we think of when we think of missions across the globe! But it's good, and it's practice, and it's wonderful to be faced with this challenge so that we can be that much more grateful for our beautiful faith!

Interruptions: can you tell I'm not sleeping much?

Not planning on spending an eternity blogging tonight because it's already 9:10. I have the flu, I JUST got the baby to sleep (whew! All this nursing on demand as opposed to scheduling is quite a fiasco, but I'm somehow mostly surviving and it seems to be going well on her end-- today she spent most of her alert times oooing and aaaing over me and giving me gigantic, heart melting smiles.) and I am working on a pair of knitty's Toirneach Kilt Hose which I apparently have under two months to finish-- with a newborn, this will be a miracle. Incidentally, for someone looking for a good sock project, they are incredibly fun to knit and look amazing.

So, I thought I would write tonight on the subject of missions.
LOL, and now our priest just walked through the door. Guess I will do this tomorrow. :P

Pray for our priests and seminarians! Pray for vocations to religious life. Pray for all the hurting people out there who need our priests.
Goodnight!

Character building in kiddos

A couple of incidents in the last two days have shown me that my eldest is just so impressionable, which has reinforced, in turn, my desire to homeschool and my understanding of that "inner sanctuary" Carmelite solitude that my family is moving towards.

I want to be clear: this doesn't mean that we will no longer go to social events, that we will no longer "have friends" or enjoy our Church family. On the contrary, we will be fellowshipping less frequently, but it will be quality fellowshipping. Rather than finding ourselves in situations we really don't want to be in, or situations we wish we could fellowship more instead of socializing,we will find ourselves actually more able to enjoy the times we can be with our friends. At least, that's how I hope it works out... we will see. I have a "social" problem-- I'm one of those kids who didn't enjoy their parents until she was a parent herself, because I was too busy with people my own age. As a teenager, I would lie awake in my bed wondering what I was missing "out there." Been working on it since coming to Christ.

One of the reasons I just spent half a day working on my blog is that I have come to realize that it serves this triple function. I've always kept this blog just to babble publicly about my thoughts, but recently God gave me a bit of wisdom about it.
First, He helped me to realize that I enjoy writing it-- I look forward to it-- because it's a way of continuing to use some of the gifts He has given me without having to take away from some of the tasks he puts in front of me. (Even as I type, the baby will not settle for her nap and I must stop and tend to her. Which I CAN do without any guilt.)Like facebook, it allows me to connect with friends far and wide without having to invest time I do not have to give. Best of all, it's a way of working on my book without the drudgery of "carving out time" I don't have away from the kids, housework, or my husband to do so. A quick blog here or there when I get the chance, and within a short time I've got a LOT of material to use. Lastly, it helps me to give answers to the emails I recieve asking valuable and interesting questions, which I always want to answer but cannot seem to find the time to do. This week while my inbox racks up close to 6000 emails I should reply to, I can knock out ten to twelve at a time with a carefully worded blog post. It's something worth investing into, and because it's just my thoughts--- I am free to interrupt myself when working on it to tend to whatever needs caring for. I think blogging regularly will smooth over the transition from being an externally-focused family to being an internally focused family. I pray that it will prevent any hurt feelings that might arise in our dear friends to explain our silence and our distance. I never thought that this kind of life was right for our family- I always wished we volunteered more and became more "active" at Church. And yet, the more kids we have the more sense it makes to keep them close, to watch them, to guide them, to give them every chance to succeed. It is truly a radical, counter-cultural idea.

I know what it's like to feel out of control with my family. I don't want to feel like that again.


At the mass on Monday, I recognized that my daughter was misbehaving because of her environment. She was surrounded by children who regularly go to mass and know how to behave in Church. On all sides of her were kids who were "doing the right thing."
But the minute that this one child, who might as well have been alone since her mother didn't seem to care what she was up to, began to distract her. Instead of choosing to imitate the numerous children around her who were carefully attending the mass, my dear daughter decided that she would imitate the poorly trained 18 month old who couldn't behave, just as she does at home, imitating my younger son's improper behavior instead of showing him the "better way." This gave me great pause- I realized I needed to teach her to teach others the right way to act, but then I realized also how fragile her character was and how much she wanted to emulate EVERYONE around her. I needed to be very careful who I kept around her.

Likewise, a dear friend came over yesterday for a visit. I was thrilled, having not seen her in quite a while and really enjoying her family's company.
Her son, who doesn't know my own house rules, felt that it would be a good time to take all of the folded clothes I had put in the baby's crib waiting to be put away and throw them into a toy bin which they emptied out. Now, my kids, after one incident in which they emptied their closets into said toy bin, know that in our house, this is a big, fat, no WAY. In fact, they know that if they do it again, trouble with a capital T is coming.

When I came into the room to see what had happened, I was surprised to find the room looking like a hurricane hit it. Now, my normal reaction would have been despair (oh no! a mess! I can't really handle messes!) so I was proud that my reaction instead went to meditating on the heart of my child, who had just willfully disobeyed and who I would have to contend with over the issue later.

So why hadn't my darling child informed this young man that what he was not to undo her mommy's (and her!) hard work? Because, apparently, in my child, there is a sense that it will be "more fun" to do what other kids are doing than to obey the rules. I know that feeling well-- I had it all my life. What I want, more than anything is to preserve her from her false sense of freedom, which caused me so much suffering in life. Now, I recognize that I will not be able to keep her from suffering, but I do think that I will be able to keep her actively involved in choosing to do right over and over, as I train her. This is what I had initially set out to do.
This particular child, like the little girl at mass, had no idea whatsoever that they were doing anything wrong. In fact, they probably thought they were doing something right. The only way they could have known is if my daughter were to inform them: "Hey guys, we aren't supposed to do this. Let's do something else instead."

Instead of socializing in another room, I should have been IN the room with them, tomato staking. Then I would have immediately been able to notice what they were about to do and teach her the lesson right off the bat. My parenting needed adjusting.

This realization put Peter and I into a thought hurricane. How were we going to deal with our children's behavior? We wanted to nip it in the bud, and the only way to do that was to stop and think very seriously about what we were going to do. What we've chosen might seem drastic, but I really think it's the right answer and so does he. Ironically, my mother, who we have NEVER asked for parenting advice, came up with the same solution over the phone when we explained the problem... so we took that as a sign from God. I know my Grandmother was also a proponent of this type of parenting-- the idea of remaining WITH your children, watching their every move, and being a part of everything they do. How else can we train them?

I guess I'm writing this to solidify our intentions-- because once it's "out there," so to speak, there's no turning back.

May God bless the journey!

Seasons.

It seems these days that all my friends are re-evaluating their "role" and "place" in life-- what they should and shouldn't be doing, how much external activity they can handle, and where they really need to focus their attention. I expected it.

It's fall, and nesting is a part of that seasonal change- we have been outdoors in the glorious weather, and we begin to remember that inside our homes a comfortable, warm environment awaits us with a promise of happy family moments and calm evenings shared among friends. We get internal, and I think God designed it that way, because as soon as we realize we are good and happy with our families but that something is still missing, the incarnation comes to us at Christmas and we get that we need that "magic" touch from God to bring it all together. All too soon, it's Spring again and we are cleaning out our houses and letting "fresh air" in-- only to be enticed to step out into that air and forget the glories of what lies within the beating heart of our homes. It's a cycle, folks, and on and on it goes... but what's amazing to me is that I fall for it year after year after year.

Come Fall, EVERYONE wants to take a good, hard look at what they are doing with their time, and how they can realign their priorities.

This is a noble and honorable task, and one which I've tried to undertake many times myself, and which I haven't totally figured out. I actually suspect I never will-- that I will keep learning and growing in "what works" for our family and going from there. God's Word says we are as clay in His hands-- malleable-- not hard and unyielding. If having three kids three and under has taught me anything so far, it's that I MUST be open to whatever thing the wind of the Spirit would blow me towards-- I cannot remain resolved to do things "my way," and "on my schedule." I can try, but there WILL come a time when God asks me: "Have you consulted ME about how you should be spending this minute/hour/day?"

If anything, thats what my entire Carmelite walk has been about-- building a relationship with Him based on prayer and mortification, based in communicating every part of ME to Him, and in being willing to renounce every part of "me" and "my time." My memory, my will, my understanding, etc. etc etc.


So every which way I turn, my happy housewives are redirecting their days, tearing apart their control journals and starting over, and reformating their schedules. I'm one of them--I smell the change in the air.

In the last two months of my pregnancy movement became very challenging for me, resulting in two things: I could no longer take off on a whim and hang out with my other mommy friends. On the home front, my kids became like a pack of wild animals without constant direction from me- all they got for several months was whatever I could holler at them from the couch. Bad idea, albeit unavoidable.


This happened over a longish period of time... but it was compounded by my inability to move fast enough to correct them combined with my defeated, negative attitude about my role. Magazines and books spoon feed you that pregnancy is "all about you," and sisters, I was LIVING IN THE WORLD, reluctantly eating up every poisonous word.
This resulted in absolute LUNACY in my home. I was completely overwhelmed, and thought--what the heck is HAPPENING here? The more I tried to enjoy myself at home, the more I hated it.

For me, like for my friends, the answer lied in regrouping and resorting out my priorities. I needed to acknowledge that I had gone too far into socializing (albeit with Godly women!) and that I needed to refocus my energies at home.
Every woman finds at some point that she cannot both be attentive at home AND work, lead/teach bible studies, volunteer, etc. I've been there before, we all have.

And what I find is that come March or April, that determination to be a "keeper at HOME" will have vanished, and in it's place I will be finding solace in teaching twenty bible studies and endless coffee dates.

My case is no different: in this particular season of my life I have given up virtually every single "outside activity" and focused instead on building up my family and in particular on encouraging my husband to succeed at his own vocation. On days where I "feel" like giving, where I know that I am supposed to be doing this, the fruit is tremendous. On days where I resent it and start believing the whispers of promised "me-time" and what not, I am about as morbid and grumpy as they come. I don't even talk on the phone anymore. I mean, I don't even ANSWER my phone anymore. And I check my messages only twice a week. For some, this is uber annoying, but the results in the soothing of the chaotic environment of my home have been incredible. I am still able to communicate with people through emails and social networking sites, but not when I am sacrificing my mothering for another family. It has been so amazing!

So how had I gotten so LOST? I think it's because, while my philosophy about parenting hadn't changed, my techniques had, unbeknownst to me. Part of it was that I was suffering from our latest move and all the "unknowns" that bothered me in our family life, causing me to react negatively to virtually everything, which then showed in my kids.

But the biggest part was influence. My children began to spend time in circles with kids who were parented differently, and I even began to take parenting advice from people who had a very different mentality about their God-given role. Not "wrong," mind you. Just different from the way I perceive my own task at hand. And different means that it wont accomplish EXACTLY the same goals, similar as they may be.

Fortunately I recognized the gravity of the situation right away, and as soon as I was postpartum and felt capable of walking, I started back up the LOOONNGGGG (and slippery!) slope to regain some authority and control in my house. As the Pearls would say, I found I was raising some spoiled brats.

Of course, none of my friends now would agree with me. The three things I hear most often are "they are just being kids," "they will grow out of it," and "you're doing a great job!" I think most of my friends think that I have impossibly high standards for my kids, and that they cannot, or will not live up to them.

For instance, they have seen me, time and again, recite my classic line: "No fits. We don't throw fits!" to a toddler (and even a three year old!) who is crumpled up in a whiny, crying ball of temper tantrum. I often hear at this time that I'm expecting too much-- that the child is probably hungry or tired or overstimulated, that they MUST find some way to express themselves lest they implode.

I often believe it myself, mentally adding to the list of excuses I have to cushion the unsettled feeling in my gut because my children simply will not obey. Then, invariably, I hit a breaking point- a day where my kids are so bad, or so embarrassing, that I basically just want to crawl into a hole and die.

I had one of those days on Monday, when I took my kids to the All Soul's Day mass said by the bishop and concelebrated by a TON of priests I respect, love, and pray for daily from around the Diocese. Right there in the communion line, in front of countless priests and parents of Traditional Catholic families with kids I heavily admire, and in particular, in front of my Bishop, my three year old daughter went insane. She tried to grab the Host from the Bishop's hand, and when he wouldnt give it to her, she put her hand on her hip and in her nastiest, sassiest voice, screeched: "I want one of those. Give it to me NOW!"
Now, I can joke that the girl is clearly just excited to recieve Jesus, but lets be honest: that was about as impolite, rude, and disobedient as it gets. I was MORTIFIED.

No one around me, mind you, is putting this pressure on me. But I have SEEN those kids, the ones who sit in the front row at Church and who, even at 18 months, not only sit still but participate with gratitude in the service. Those kids who use their allowance to buy something for someone else.
I have seen those kids in public and wondered at it all (but been reassured my mothers around me that AT HOME those kids misbehave, or that AT HOME they are beaten and tortured into military-like obedience, leaving no room for social aptitude, growth or creativity.)

What's worse, I have seen these children in the privacy of their own homes, and I have known their families well once upon a time. I KNOW these families DO exist, that they are joyful, industrious, godly centers of evangelization. Would that I knew the treasure I had before me then... I thought I knew it all then and observed without asking questions. I even went as far as to "teach" some of you from my observations. Ah, humility. How you hurt.

I KNOW these families exist. I want one like that-- where my children are a joy to me and not a burden, where my husband beams at his capable wife. I think if we had only one child, maybe two, it would be easy to have continued to fool myself into thinking it was all "just a phase" and that it would eventually pass... but actually, this third child has really revealed to me how necessary it is to have a game plan and stick to it come hell or high water.

I see the same things in my marriage. When I confide in a sister about my own personal challenges with my husband, I am nearly always met with a long list of reasons why I'm not alone! But if I venture into this territory with one of the moms of these wonderchildren, I am often dismayed that she doesn't experience these same troubles-- since she doesn't appear to want to discuss them or relate to them.

Does this mean I know /knew perfect people? Of course not. Those very children occasionally throw a tantrum to end all tantrums, and put up a decent fight. Those couples bicker and argue like the best of them once in a while. Those moms have certainly had their season of tears. But the difference is that they genuinely, truly, completely and openly ENJOY the process of being a family. It's not something to be survived, but something to rejoice in. That's what I want-- a day where I can embrace these sufferings and change my attitude about them, not believing them to be my "undoing," but my well-being. A day where I am left with a feeling that peace, and joy, and not utter chaos, reigns in my family.

I want to love, honor, respect and uphold my husband in ALL scenarios and not just publicly. I want to enjoy my children, and not just once or twice a day when they say something impossibly cute. And ultimately, I want to raise a brood of world-changers, ones who are so utterly evangelical simply by their presence and personality that they will affect everyone around them. I want to raise saints.

I kept looking for a book that helped me navigate this season of turning inward-- something that would give me a set of steadfast rules which, if followed, guaranteed success.

I found that in my struggles with my husband in the book Created to be His Helpmeet.
Without batting an eye, I can tell you that that book saved my marriage, and that if I followed it's advice more closely each day (Lord, help me!) our marriage would continue to be the best it's been.

But what about in my child-raising and homemaking? Where could I turn?
I have long admired the work of the Pearl family in To Train Up a Child, but something was lacking in it that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Recently, I discovered a new book, Raising Godly Tomatoes, which teaches the same types of principles, but does so in a more "apologetic" manner-- one which explains gently the reasons for acting and behaving a certain way with our kids. It also presents the concept of tomato- staking... keeping our children NEAR us.... in a way that I was finally able to grasp. All the same stuff as TTUAC, but just laid out in a very accessible kind of way for those of us who aren't amish and don't (yet!) homestead.

I was overjoyed to find the encouragement, but I think I instinctively KNOW all these things in my heart-- they are the reason I feel so unsettled about my motherhood much of the time. It's because I stopped believing that these families actually EXISTED. It's because I stopped believing some of those verses in Scripture on which I should be standing with rock-steady certainty. I relaxed my sense of purpose and the diligence with which I parented, all because I stopped "believing the dream," so to speak.

In the last few months, God has slowly been rebuilding that vision in my head as I've sought Him about it. and what's better, He's been giving me the wisdom to talk to my husband about His OWN vision for our family and to submit to those things which seem impossibly difficult to me. And in return, I have begun to see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel... the ACTUAL blessing of doing things God's way, and not just the theoretical one. It took me three kids to even put a DENT in that selfishness I carry around with me daily.

Although my three year old is still as sassy as can be, and my two year old still throws fits that would curdle your earwax, I find that as I RELAXED into my mothering over the last two years of eased up external pressure, I was able to stop trying to control everything around me and just DO those things which sat in front of me. I needed to be brought SO low, in my parenting, that I was willing to do ANYTHING-- give up my life--- for my kids to come out OK.

This is why God allowed me to go through such a harrowing season. I almost had to shoot my own self in the foot in order to figure out I needed REAL healing underneath the skin.

The challenge, now, for me, is going to be to go my separate way from my dearest, most incredible friends who choose to switch up their 'focus' when spring comes blowing the winds of change. I see now that I need to be HOME, that HOME is where I am best used to fulfill my every purpose, that HOME is the best place for my kids to be, no matter how much I would have liked to fool myself to believe otherwise, and that it is through in my husband and my kids that my greatest suffering, and thus my greatest joy, will come.

I am always talking about the "good old days" and trying to live like wives and mommas did back when kids obeyed, didn't interrupt, and had the fear of God in them. But I never figured what it was that was so different: These kids had NO WHERE TO GO. These moms had no telephones, no women's ministry meetings, no play dates. There were no nurseries at Church.

All they had were families, and they raised them right.

Details and specifics

Me: "Annika, don't touch the baby's face with your hands. You just sneezed. Your hands have germs on them."

Her: "Okay, mommy."

A minute goes by.

Her: "Mommy?"

Me: "Yes?"

Her: "Well, can I touch her elbow?"

Ugh

Was going to write a really long blog with lots of interesting stuff, but this baby will not go to sleep. Oh well, story of my life.

Spread the word about the 13th day.