My parents have been married for 30 years and they are really, wildly, totally in love. They are awesome that way and I think an example to so many. Growing up, they were the only people around who were still together and I'm thankful for that. Their marriage has withstood the test of the kids flying the coop. They are the kind of parents who gross out their kids by still holding hands and kissing. It's wonderful, and I thank God for both of them.
In that context, it might be funny to hear what that has to do with nagging, but here goes. My mom is Mediterranean, my dad is American. You know that scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding (that movie is the story of my life) where we hear: "because the Portokallos women.... if they are not nagging somebody.... they die!!"??
That's the women in my family. I bet that's the women in your family, too. But in my family, it's particularly poignant.
My dad has lovingly nicknamed my mom "the Harpy." o.O
My mom tells my dad what to do, no doubt about it, and she does it loud and she does it often. I mean, she's from the south of France. She will tell perfect strangers what to do and trees how to grow. But most of the time, she isn't berating him when she does it....she doesn't think LESS of my dad (in fact, she thinks the world of him!), she just expresses her ideas/thoughts/opinions about how things should be done... And has a tendency to make a stink when things are NOT done that way. (I particularly enjoyed, for example, watching her and my husband, both born leaders, make the bed together. Bless her heart, she was making the man's own bed-- a bed she had never seen before-- but she was going to tell him how it's done correctly.)
So women in my family do it sweetly, and they don't berate their husbands, but in a mediterranean context "not berating" is still slathering on a good dose of guilt and/or fist shaking and "what in the world would make you do it THAT way???"- ing. And the men don't seem to mind, other than when they "escape" from time to time to complain about it while sipping coffee and grabbing a quiet corner of the house to read in. I have an uncle who makes a special trip over to my aunt's house in the mornings just to chat for five minutes about how bossy his beautiful wife is being before he goes to work. She tells him what time to drink his coffee, which tie to wear, and what to bring to work. He gets ready, and then often makes a quick stop at my aunt's house where he lingers for a while making jokes about how his wife told him what time to go to sleep and which position was best for him to sleep in, what coffee mug to use and how much sugar to put in. And then he goes to work.... and calls his wife to say I love you. They've been married more than 35 years.
Said aunt he goes to visit married a Corsican. All the women in my family clucked about her marrying him because the farther south you go to find a husband, the greater the fear he will enslave you. This aunt takes pleasure in serving her husband and honoring him by trusting him and conforming to him. He is happy and tends to be the most easy going, relaxed and enjoyable of all the uncles. She has learned the great secret described in My Big Fat Greek Wedding: "The man is the head, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants." (A wise woman, of course, wants "the Lord's way." More on that later.)
American women are a different breed of nag. They tend to be bossy less about daily life choices and more about feelings and how they are treated.
My mom and my aunts are no different than you or me. They are operating in a condition that women have operated in since the dawn of man. Eve nagged Adam to get that apple. Where do we think Greeks got the idea for Harpies? This is the "natural condition" of women. But I want to be spiritual.
I fight it with all my little might.
It started the first day my husband jokingly called me "fishwife." I thought about it for a while and realized I had been annoying him with incessant chatter and nagging. Then I noticed that most of the men in my life who have women who do that have an issue I think is kind of sad: They might be devoted to and think the world of their women as their respected wives, but more often than not it doesn't prevent them from having different person or object they turn to and hold up as their muse. They are frequently inspired by things other than their wives/ families.
They might range in behavior from belittling their wives in a joking manner to actually flirting with or openly admiring other women from time to time. Others simply speak poorly about their wives when they are fed up. Some never say a bad word about their wives, but lie or run away from time to time to escape. And I've noticed that men who are in similar situations and who are less moral end up having problems I never want my own man to have. They range from being inspired or encouraged by other women to having issues with pornography and / or adultery. And why wouldn't they? After all, if we believe a man was born to lead his family, then not allowing them to do that is pretty emasculating. My husband finds nagging wives horrifying. They literally repulse him. We know this. I have blogged about it before.
And maybe it's just me, but I want the kind of man who acts like a King should and who treats me like a Queen. No, not just a Queen. HIS Queen. I see a man who takes charge and makes decisions as sexy. I see how a good woman encourages a man to rise above and be the best he can be. I think my world is safer when men are being men and women are being women. It is less stressful and more enjoyable. I think we all agree with that, but we nag because we fear our OWN husbands won't live up to the task. We are afraid to let them lead.
As a side note, my old pastor used to say: "You can't follow a parked car." In some families, we may ALL agree there needs to be headship somewhere, but we can't follow a leader who isn't leading. Maybe some wives nag out of desperation. Maybe they do it for a reason... to get their husbands to get off their butts and point towards somewhere. It's a temptation that might be rooted in a response to another person's sin, but it's pretty obvious that two wrongs don't make a right.
The Bible has some choice things to say about naggers. The greater issue of the misuse of the tongue is really a whole book I could write (if you want to read a great one I didn't write try this one.)
Proverbs 21:9 ESV
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 27:15 ESV
A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike;
Proverbs 21:19 ESV
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Proverbs 25:24 ESV
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 19:13 ESV
A foolish son is ruin to his father, and a wife's quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.
and lest you think it's JUST the author of proverbs:
1 Peter 3:5-6 ESV
For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
1 Peter 5:3 ESV
Not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.
1 Peter 3:1-2 ESV
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.
My point is..... why nag? I'm not saying that all the mediterranean women in my life who love their husbands and nag, nag, nag are evil people.... I am saying they have a sinful habit. Most of them are wonderful, caring, compassionate and devoted wives with a strong desire to bless their husbands. And I don't think they realize that there is a better way.
Here is what the Bible says about that "better way:"
Proverbs 16:24 ESV
Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.
Ephesians 4:29 ESV
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Proverbs 12:18 ESV
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV
Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
Now, I don't know about you, but when I set my mind to change an innate behavior, I tend to look for root causes. What is it about nagging that seems like such an easy and logical choice for so many women?
I think nagging is rooted in fear. We nag because we fear so very many things.
That we aren't safe.
That we aren't respected.
That we aren't loved.
That we aren't wise.
That we aren't interesting.
That we aren't in control.
That we would have done it better.
That someone else IS doing it better.
Ironically, nagging brings those things to be. By speaking them with our mouths, we get exactly what we are asking for. Remember that we are made in the image of God, and that God created with a Word.
One helpful thing I have done to help me kick the habit is to write down the promises God's word has for me about my fears. Then, when I feel like nagging, I think about why I am about to nag and what fear is at the root of that desire. And then I pray those instead of opening my mouth to nag. It also helps me to remember that the Bible says that we are called to submit to and obey our husbands, words which modern women in the advent of "feminism" are horrified by. But the Bible reminds us in Proverbs 17:11 that a cruel messenger (the same word used to describe an angel-- in other words, a demon) will be sent to she who seeks only rebellion. Obedience is our protection from evil. It is freedom and security and our "safe place."
Most men today do not lead because most women will not follow. The Bible says that the TONGUE is the rudder for our entire ship. (James 3:1-18) In other words, we follow where our tongues go. So if we submit first our TONGUES, then the rest of us will follow. God knows this because He reminds us that "the mouth of a loose woman is like a deep pit." (Proverbs 22:14)
If you want a man who will lead you, but do it right, and are frustrated enough with your man on a daily basis to boss him around, consider what behavior you could have that might lead him to feel respected, and then do that. Make a commitment today to stop nagging him. A man who feels respected will act respectably.
Pray this with me today:
Psalm 141:3 ESV
Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Also, I don't know who this person is, but I am glad she is doing this-- "You can only change YOURSELF, but when you change, a relationship changes."
