Theology Thursdays-- Milk, mental illness, and a reminder

This morning was one of those mornings that need a do-over.

My husband has a new job, and with it he is required to participate in a bunch of extra stuff (classes, events etc.) which require outside preparation or study and so leave him with absolutely no time for the family.... a challenge we aren't unfamiliar with but which, when we had grown accustomed to having him around 24/7, is definitely not fun for anyone.  In a beautiful way, though, all this suffering and missing each other and stress and feeling sorry for each other and miserable draws us all closer together-- we miss each other, so we pay closer attention to details... and so we are willing to skip each other's little grievances. It's strangely nice.

Yesterday was kind of a landmark for that.
You see, along with my other mamma friends, milk becomes very important to me when I'm pregnant or nursing. Running low on milk will send me into a minor panic-- not only because the kids drink milk every morning and I need it for various baking projects throughout the day, but also because there is something comforting about having it in the fridge and being able to use it. I become a milk maniac, and since I'm pretty much always pregnant or nursing, milk is on my mind a lot these days. And my husband, who is responsible for milk-aquisition in this house, suffers the wrath of a mediterranean woman, complete with hand gestures, when milk quantities dwindle.

If I really stop and think about it, I don't know what I think will happen when I run out of milk.... the world will still turn and I will continue living-- but needless to say, milk-lessness is a sure way to put an end to my sanity. Which is why running "low" on milk can change my whole mood for the day. Until there is a full milk jug in the fridge, I am quite volatile and my emotions render me a bit explosive. Running low on milk, in this house, is dangerous.... because we all know that when Mama aint happy, nobody's happy.

Now why is this a problem? Because I don't drive. Therefore I am completely dependent on other people to take me to buy milk---which is why this week was such a milestone.

I got very nervous and annoyed yesterday when for over two and a half hours, my father in law came back to the refrigerator half a dozen times to pour what little milk we had left into a tiny glass cup and retreat to the garage, where he was experimenting with how much he could get away with irritating me. His project? Painting words on reams of copy paper with precious milk to see if he could then put a flame to the paper and see the invisible words. I was enraged. We had been "low" on milk for two days now, and last night, thanks to the milk writing fiasco, despite the LARGE sharpie warning I had penned, FIL-style, that cautioned: "DO NOT TOUCH,"  we finally Ran Out.

Darkness envelopped me. My mind ran through a million milkless scenarios. What would we do? How would we survive? HOW WOULD I DRINK COFFEE????

It was easy to get angry... after all, I reasoned, my husband had failed me. But rational thinking prevented me from doing that. He had had to go to the hospital early at the last minute, and he was under so much stress from all sides it was a miracle he was still standing.
The only possible time he had had to go to the grocery store, he had had to go and take care of something for his dad, who we live with and who is dying of cancer and suffering from a wide range of mental issues. Mentally, I absolved my husband, and when he came home from work at 11 and realized he had still not taken care of his family, he was very distraught, but somehow I found the love and ability to say: "Babe, it's totally not your fault-- when would you have done it?? We will live. Please just go to sleep, you need some rest."

I then proceeded to finish baking a couple loaves of bread I had started with my six year old in the afternoon. While I was exhausted and would have welcomed the opportunity to sleep, I've been faithfully baking bread in the evenings so that there would be fresh bread for breakfast for everyone. It keeps our grocery bill very low, and it makes my husband and kids very happy, and it's something which, over the years, has become a family staple and which means a great deal to all of us. Bread makes us happy, so it's worth the major work.

But.... I'm not gonna lie, I felt like an awesome, super holy saint. Which makes me a sinner. ;)

He went to sleep feeling better, but once I went to bed, I lay awake most of last night, hit with pregnancy heartburn for the first time this pregnancy, knowing that taking small sips of milk would have cured it and sent me to sleep.

He awoke at the usual ungodly hour and went off to work, leaving me and the children to start the day, milk-less. Determined to make the best of it-- I resolved to make chamommile tea for all and smile. I set to work boiling the water for the tea. Almost IMMEDIATELY, like a magnet, my father-in-law began to putter around in the kitchen. (He makes a point of staying out of the kitchen until people are using it, and then makes a point out of telling us how to use it during the entire cooking experience.)

First, he asked me to boil the tea in the microwave, giving me a ten-minute lecture on the electrical and fiscal benefits of doing so. Eager to just get it over with, I complied, although I loathe the microwave. Then he started straightening up the kitchen, walking behind me and putting away everything which I had taken out to make breakfast, only putting it all away in a new place, where it didn't belong. The entire time, he made what he considers to be polite conversation--- raving violently against liberals and blaming the woes of the world on Obama and Nancy Pelosi, and ranting about how Catholics don't understand politics and religion is dead.

I took long, deep breaths, assuring myself that I had been through this every day of my life for the past two years and that I could do it again graciously, but it was like this big sign flashing: "NO MILK IN HOUSE" was going off in my head, and in my mind I kept seeing an image of him dipping his paintbrush into the little jar of milk.

You see, my Father in law drives. And while he has no qualms about plastering a giant "D" on every item of food he brings into this house so that we don't touch it, he also has no qualms about eating whatever we make, asking me to make him special meals at random moments during the day with our food. He also acts like I've just asked him to donate a kidney if he perchance should be going to the grocery store and I hand him a five dollar bill and ask him for a gallon of milk. All of this to say... I was getting more annoyed by the minute.

I gritted my teeth and worked around him, dodged the word bullets, and smiled and nodded. And I felt like things were going pretty well until, all of a sudden, the bomb dropped.
He was standing very still, staring at the stove with strange little half smile on his face.

"So, I've been thinking about this for a few weeks and I want you to stop baking your bread. You are ruining my oven. It's not meant for that kind of use, it's not an industrial oven, and if you think I'm going to allow it, you can think again."
I closed my eyes and inhaled deep, pausing to wonder if I would be handling this any better WITH coffee. He has moments like this all the time, where he looks for things to get steamed up about and then carries on and on in his mind until it spills out into his environment.

Asking "why" is never a good idea for unmedicated with people with unacknowledged OCPD. You will hear why for the next two hours. It's always better to agree and wait. So I sighed and said: "OK, dad. Loud and clear. Roger. You can stop now."

Realizing he had been rude, but feeling like he was justified and genuinely had a right to be angry and concerned, he began the long-winded oven apologetics speech I had heard so many times before about the blinds, the refrigerator, the sink, the washing machine, the dryer, the cabinets, the carpet, the fireplace, the couches, chairs, and lamps, the fans, the bathtub, and all the other things in the house he has lectured me over in the past. This time, though, the longer he talked about internal oven workings and baking methods and his reasoning, the more hurt and angry I became. I kept my face still and as pleasant as I could, but my internal steam engine was working overtime.

When he had finally worked himself into a rage and threw out the final "nail in the coffin," of his rant ("I'm going to have to think about it, but I don't know that I ever want to see you bake bread again. I was a baker in the army and I never needed to use water in an oven. Your bread is probably failing because of the extra humidity-- the crusts are WAY too hard and that's not how they are supposed to be.") I was holding back tears.

The irony of the man who thinks MOONPIES ARE FOOD telling the French girl what bread is and isn't supposed to look like was too much. But I knew also that my pride was injured... and that I had to let it go.

For HIS sake, I live in a house where my children can not play freely, where my children can not run in peace in the yard, where I can not read a book, raise a blind, or sit down to write or school my kids,  make a pot of coffee, drink a glass of water, kiss my husband, close my bedroom door, dust a piece of furniture, pick up the mail, or talk on the phone, without being told-- or being debated-- about the reasons why I'm doing it wrong and being inefficient. It is like a literal living hell, especially when his OCPD begins to regulate the fire levels in the fireplace.... hello 84 and 5 degree nights inside when it's 60 outside. My own personal purgatory, complete with heat. Mental illness is HARD to live with.

I ran-- well, walked fast, because we aren't allowed to run in this house-- into the bathroom door, shut the door, and melted down. Ignoring the children pounding at the door asking to come in, I dissolved into a crying, sobbing, pitiful mess on the floor. And then, composing myself and setting my thinking aright, I began to praise God.

At which point He showed me: I am HERE. And I love you both.

Even in the midst of my milkless and miserable existence, even as I stood on trial for being a GOOD and responsible wife and tenant, even as I came under continuous pummeling from all directions..... He was there. With me. These were blows He had endured before: humilitating, unjust, and totally outrageous. These blows He had willingly endured had saved the world, and ensured peace on earth. Though He had prayed: "Father, take this cup from me if you will," He had also prayed: "But thy will be done."

I had promised to follow Him, and I couldn't accept to just follow Him in the glory of the resurrection. This is Lent-- and I must follow Him to the Cross. And I will.

Because Easter is just around the corner...which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me. (1 Timothy 1:12)

God reminded me that what I really wanted was not a jug of cow's milk. I want God. I want the Love He is made of.


Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation... (1 Peter 2:2)
Hasn't He promised us "a land FLOWING with milk and honey?" (Jeremiah 11:5)

I wanted THAT. Not milk. Not my own house. Not a break from my father in law.

Friends, are you suffering also right now?
Trust in the One who has endured all that you are faced with right now. But remember the words of Romans 8:18:   For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
We do not suffer for nothing. God knows every tear we shed. and we know that glory is just around the corner. Stand firm in your faith and suffer well!

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. - James 5:16

Mama Mondays-- Can parenting be right or wrong?

Something I hear very often when tension arises in a conversation about parenting is this:

"well, there are all different types of families out there, and what works for one family won't work for another. Fortunately, there is no right or wrong way to parent, just a way that works for you."

I usually hear it from people who think I've gotten too judgemental about parenting topics in a forum or on social networking sites. It is the parental equivalent of the person in a religious debate dropping the "judge not, lest ye be judged" bomb and thinking they are clever when they don't like you telling them they have misinterpreted scripture or don't have the authority to make the scriptural interpretations they are clinging to. When it is launched, it gives the appearance of being very charitable and kind while it is actually hyper-subversive... taken out of context, it essentially negates the message of right and wrong that permeates the very Bible they are quoting from. And so it is with the parenting quote.

And it cracks me up, because it frequently comes from very good, very wholesome, believing women. I have this parenting issue a lot since returning to the Church.
Ironically, when I was a protestant, we seemed to have much more unity on the parenting front than Catholics do that I encounter.  This was encouraging, pleasant, and so helpful for new moms! Sure, there were a few sideline crazies who didn't subscribe to the same parenting theories, but across the country and even across nations, all the mothers I met seemed to basically be on the same page on certain issues.

What issues? Well, women will make issues out of anything, but here are a few: Should a woman work outside the home? (Not if she has kids and can avoid it.) Should a woman and a man share the housework load half and half? (Not if he works full time to support her.) Should a woman breastfeed? (Yes.) On demand? (Yes.) Should she plan schedules for her kids and family? (Yes.) Should parents co-sleep? (Not unless they don't mind not having any privacy in their marriage or have the ability to get it elsewhere.) Should she spank her kids? (Yes.)  Should her children bring toys, food, and books to church? (No.) Should she homeschool? (If she can.), Etc.

Now, I 've been told many times that I generalize too much when categorizing people. But when I returned to the Catholic Church, there seemed to be three camps. The first is the uber orthodox traddie mamma who always has ten or twelve kids (including a baby)  in tow, wears denim jumpers or stern looking dresses, homeschools, headcovers, and virtually vanishes when mass is over, never to be seen again until the following week. Her husband is usually a little scary looking or somber. Her kids are always well behaved and totally amazing. There are several variations on this theme at most parishes I've been too, and some parishes, especially the ones that offer the extraordinary form, have an abundance of families like these.

Second is the "finger in every pie" mamma who seems to be at every Parish spaghetti dinner, small group, and rosary. She usually has one or two kids, and has no problem wearing either jeans or nice heels to mass. She likes the Novus Ordo a LOT, seems to have no idea what the extraordinary form actually is, and is really good at organizing committees and meal trains. Her husband is on the parish council. Her kids, though generally pretty good and well behaved, seem to be a little bored at mass, have been caught texting during a homily once or twice,  and enjoy talking to other kids their age much more than adults or any of the children they might encounter at mass.

And then there's the crunchy mamma. She usually goes to all the events but gripes at all of them about how she can't use the nursery because her babies need to stay with her, nurses til her kids are four, and talks about homebirth and placenta encapsulations at the dinner table. She usually has twelve kids and homeschools too, but instead of order she brings the chaos. Her husband is either a saint or a pushover.

Now, I love every one of these precious women. I really, really do. But there is only one of them I would ever consider taking parenting advice from and that is the first category. Why? Because of the three, they are the only ones who have children who truly seem like little saints-in-training, and husbands who fulfill their God-given role to lead in the home.

I've heard these women be accused of being artificial or hollow, prideful or pharisaic. And they can be! But most of them seem to have also discovered some kind of powerful secret in life that enables them to follow Catholic teaching and to be open to life without worry. How is this?  They know the secret of serenity: faith, hard work, prayer, and detachment from the world.

So why is it wrong to say so?? Clearly they have reached a place in life where they have succeeded at marriage and parenting. I've heard parents say they wouldn't want their kids to be so.... orderly, helpful, etc. because then they woudn't be being "themselves." I've heard people whisper that those mothers must go home and beat their children. I have heard people say that the older children in those families, who help very much around the house and seem to enjoy doing so, are being "robbed of their childhood" or somehow denied a "normal" childhood. And I disagree (Usually. There are exceptions to every rule, right?)

Having spent a large part of my life inside these types of homes, I can assure you that what I've witnessed has been nothing short of glorious-- true joy resides in these homes. Sure, they have the same temptations and issues we all have, but their peace literally reverberates and their visitors experience it. They do not have the problems that typically families in this world experience.

Now, I've seen much, MUCH smaller families-- and even couples who don't have kids--- exude the same peace and joy, so rest assured 'I'm not saying that it takes a large family to know how to live. But I am saying that when it comes to parenting advice, I'm going to take the advice of the moms around me who have upwards of six-twelve kids, their full sanity, an adoring husband (and by adoring, I mean proud. Not necessarily doting), and lots of joy. I'm going to take the advice of the moms who have raised children who have grown to be chaste, patient, persevering, hard working, gentle, kind, and godly. That's the kind of kid I want.

Maybe other Christians don't want that-- but it seems to me that we would. After all, what does the Bible say the fruit of the spirit is?

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:22-23)

So when it comes to parenting discussions, it seems obvious that we should be looking for parenting "experts" that teach us to teach our children these things. Not how to raise kids that have a hard time sharing, throw fits, act wild, don't think ahead, don't know how to work, forget to say their prayers, are rough or mean with others, and have no self-control. Which is exactly what I see when I watch children being raised with these "new" parenting theories, usually deemed "gentle" or "grace-filled" by the Christians who promote them.

Sadly, like the lack of Catholic bible study materials that has permeated the past thirty years or so of Catholic experience, there are very few Catholic parenting materials that teach these things, despite an abundance of snippets and wisdom that promote their opposites found in encyclicals and scripture.

Parenting is the single most important task of the majority of Catholics. Catholic priests who must take care of families must have ideas and a basis for practical advice as much as parents. While it's deplorable that these materials are not readily available, I believe in God and I know that there is no teacher like the Holy Spirit. I also know that there is an abundance of practical information on every topic-- more than one person can really absorb in his or her lifetime--- in the Bible.

Mothers, do not be afraid to think that there is right and wrong in an issue as important as parenting. Fathers, do not be afraid to remind your wives. Priests, do not be afraid to preach it. If there is right and wrong in our every day choices, how much MORE so in our parenting choices?
Do not waste your time looking for answers in people who bring you SOME truth, but not the whole truth, in people who consider one part of the child but not the WHOLE child. Yes, every family is unique and distinct, but every family is also called to raise children who love God, serve Him, and do His will.

There is not always a "right" answer in practical measures because, as we know, every family is different and faces unique challenges. In that respect, I understand the above quote and agree with it. One family, for example, may co-sleep when another may not, and this has to do with finances,  with cultural norms, with space, with work schedules, personal preferences, and any number of other reasons. There is no way that we can judge who is right or wrong based on their decision to co-sleep because that is none of our business.  We are not them, we do not know.

Nevertheless, that's not the way the quote is intended. We do not know what's going on in other people's families, but that does not excuse us from seeking nothing less than perfection and holiness for our own.
There is a right answer in that we should all be sharing a common vision and hope for our future. We should all be facing the same expectation of our children, no matter what their personality differences and individual "needs." We should all be in agreement that some things are good for children and some things are not, that some things grow our children and other things do not, that some behaviors are appropriate and others are not. It is mystifying to me that modern parenting theories are subscribed to by Christian women, who should know better, because the Bible has clearly told us that these very theories will arise and will be followed by people

...because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. (Romans 1:25)

 There is nothing new under the sun, so let us parent our children, and do it right: with morality, virtue, and long-term vision in mind.

Scripture Sundays- Third Sunday of Lent

Today's scripture readings ,  which place a particular emphasis the true identity of Jesus as the Messiah and fulfillment of the Law, are filled with mystical connections that demonstrate the Church's role in the world. In them, the continuity between the people of the Old Covenant and the people of the New is highlighted and proclaimed.

In the first reading, Ex 20:1-17, the law is given to the people of God  through Moses. It essentially ennumerates what is known as the ten commandments, a series of laws which form the basis for the 613 commandments which make up the Jewish religion. The commandments include warnings against idolatry, using the Lord's name in vain, keeping holy the Sabbath Day, honoring our parents, and rejecting murder, adultery, theft, lying, and coveting. Catholics often use these commandments as a short-form examination of conscience before going to confession, asking themselves if they have committed any of these sins.
The rest of the 613 commmandments of the Jewish religion can fit into the categories represented by these ten. They are, in fact, representative of the whole of the law, thus breaking them is considered a mortal sin.

The responsorial psalm, taken from Psalm 19:8-11, begins with John 6:68. "Lord, you have the words of everlasting life."
This is to remind us that we, as the people of God, are called to obey the Word of God, these very commandments, without which we will not attain heaven. The psalm tells us that the law of the Lord is perfect, refreshing the soul. Indeed, keeping those commandments perfectly would ensure righteousness. But as the story of the Israelites goes.... who could keep the Law perfectly?

That's where the second reading comes in. 1 Cor 1:22-25 says that Jews demand signs, and Greeks look for wisdom, but we (Christians) proclaim Christ crucified, a stumbling block to many, but to those who are called, the wisdom of God.

The death of the Christ (which is Greek for Messiah or annointed one) is in fact a stumbling block. So much so that the muslims have removed his death on the cross from their scriptures, claiming instead that he never really died! Throughout his entire ministry, passion, and resurrection, Jesus indeed fulfilled the Law and prophecies revolving around the coming of the messiah, but each time he did so it was in a completely unexpected way, confounding both Jews and Greeks but calling all of them -- and us-- to believe and follow.

Which brings us to the Gospel for today: John 2:13-25, a passage usually referred to as the Destruction of the Temple. It is tempting to read and take this passage at face value: the money changers rightfully angered Jesus, who reminds them of the righteousness of God and the role of the temple as a house of prayer, furiously driving them out.
The scripture tells us, though, that the Jews, looking for a sign (as in the second reading), demand to know what sign he can give them for doing these things. He tells them: "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up." His response is not only perplexing but almost insulting to them... after all, the temple is the place where God is worshipped. But he does not elaborate or clarify verbally that He means the temple of His body. So what is happening here?
In fact, He is mystically destroying the temple before His passion--  and tells us that He will be resurrected, both literally and figuratively erasing the NEED for the temple, which served the people of the old covenant but would no longer be needed in the new. The law, the prophets, the sacrifices... all are in Him, now, Jesus, the Messiah. He is the Law. He is the prophets. He is the Temple.
As he symbolically destroys the physical temple, he is raising up HIMSELF before those who would hear and understand. The person of Christ is our "house of worship."

What a powerful message for those of us who daily see in our frustration our own money changers and market people destroying the house of God. This passage often comes to mind for those of us who see corruption, greed, and carnal events within our parishes and become very angry.
But we need not concern ourselves with driving them out with whips and harsh rebukes--- Jesus has already done so and they are not in our Temple. Our Temple is Jesus, the person of Jesus, Messiah.
Because He has done so, they are not worshipping with us... only fooling themselves. Those who worship "in God's house" are those who come in adoration of the Messiah.

Jesus went up to the temple as the privileged place of encounter with God. For him, the Temple was the dwelling of His Father, a house of prayer, and he was angered that its outer court had become a place of commerce. He drove merchants out of it because of jealous love for His Father: "You shall not make my Father's house a house of trade." His disciples remembered that it was written: "Zeal for your house shall consume me." After His Resurrection, His disciples retained their reverence for the Temple."
(Catechism of the Catholic Church, 584)

Twaddle-Free Tuesdays--- Living ideas to Truly Live!

I had an epiphany today while cleaning out the bookshelf for our potential future move.
Laying all over the floor are books that essentially consist of twaddle. They are very good, very interesting books for the most part-- best sellers, and books that have formed my character in many ways. But the reason I'm classifying them as twaddle is that they are books ABOUT thoughts or ideas that others have had first and more clearly.
I decided, a while back, in an effort to simplify my life, to do things like get rid of my books ABOUT prayer, and just pray. To get rid of my books about pilgrimages and travel and just go. To get rid of my books about literature and philosophy and to just read literature and learn philosophy. Make sense?

One of the books I found in this purge is called Managers of their Homes: A practical guide to daily scheduling for Christian Homeschooling Families.
It's a book I've been meaning to send to a good friend of mine who is really wants to read it. It's been sitting there for months and keeps slipping my mind. I read it often when I was a new mom, and it's a book a lot of my friends swear by. Essentially, it helps women develop systems, step by step, to schedule their homeschool lives with lots of children. (Which, I admit, can be kind of crazy-making.... it's tough.)

The mother who wrote this book has a beautiful spirit. She wrote it to help other women where she had struggled so long.... and in it she encourages women to plan and schedule and step up to the challenge of life, but also to bring her schedules and plans before her husband and pray about them. Which I think we'll all agree are great ideas. But my epiphany was that they are also stifling.

Maybe it was the hour I spent posting hilarious pics of "women logic" on facebook yesterday (You know: "Wears a bikini in public, no problem. Someone sees her in her underwear. Screams.") or maybe it was my husband, who, upon seeing the book rolled his eyes and said so lovingly: "More protestant crap about running the house? No." but I had this image in my head when I saw that book lying on my table... this image of a married woman who thought herself  submitted, helpmeet-ish and helpful, but still wasn't LISTENING in many ways. Now I'm not saying that's who the author of this book is-- I believe she is genuine and that she has some wonderful ideas for a certain type of family. But not my family. Let me explain.

You see, for Lent, I have made only one major resolution-- and that is to listen, in particular to my husband. My husband and I have had scheduling conflicts from day one of our marriage that continue today. Things that are obvious to me are stupid to him and vice versa. His major complaint-- whether it be in a restaurant or in a marriage, in school or at work-- is that people THINK they know what he wants and act accordingly, but they rarely listen. And quite honestly, it's true. I finish his sentences for him. And I'm always wrong. :D

In my house, I have spent the majority of my marriage trying to write and implement a schedule that works for me. Not doing so makes me edge closer to the white-coats. After all, as a mother of many, wife, sister, teacher and writer I have so much on my plate! But what I've learned is that no matter how organized I am and how ready to go I am, NONE OF IT works unless I am willing to stop and LISTEN to the man of the house.

Whenever I do, I realize his ideas are actually pretty darn good, and that they DO work, even though they aren't the way I would have initially done them. I also realize that if I plan and structure our day, and then get mad because he doesn't respect that structure and / or it drives him bananas, then I'm not really being a helper to him.... I'm just bossing him around and stomping my foot when I can't. Now that isn't to say that there isn't a healthy tension which is very necessary--- sometimes he needs the foot up his butt I'm happy to provide to remind him of what's important. But there's a difference between "healthy tension" and "nagging fishwife." Right?

Now there are several different types of husbands, and some women might have a husband who really says: "OK, honey, you figure out how to do x, y, z and let me know and I'll support you in that." I don't have that kind of husband. But I don't want one either. I'm grateful that God gave me a man's man-- a leader, a guy who actually HAS a vision for our family and actually knows what he wants. What I don't have is a submitted spirit... When I think about it, I am not actually humble in my marriage but proud. I go back over the list of "decisions" I've had to make over the years about running the house (And my husband is gone a lot-- or rather, he alternates periods where he is gone all the time to periods where he is home all the time) and I'm amazed. For example, he doesn't even LIKE Jumpers. Why did I ever ask myself if I should be wearing them, and think that that made me more godly/humble/etc? Why don't I listen to him?

Which is why books like Managers of their Homes is no good for someone like me.... because even though it tells me to stop and ask him once I've figured it all out, it doesn't actually encourage me to put down the planning tools and to stop and follow Him. And if my husband is to be Christ-figure to me in my marriage, then aside from all his "good" qualities, he's always going to be a little mysterious, pretty darn inconvenient, and a real and true agony to follow sometimes. That's the Christian Way.

So today I'm putting down ALL the twaddle-- including the stuff that externally promises to help me but doesn't really solve any of my problems-- like books about scheduling when what I really need is a cup of coffee with my husband, a list and some hard work. I don't need to schedule. I need to listen and work hard.
 Sure, I'd have peace in my home and everything would run smoothly if I followed all the advice in this book, wrote our schedule, and handed it to my husband to approve. But I've been doing that for years, and I STILL do not have peace in this house. Why? Because the moment I hand it to my husband and say: "Here, this is how I think things would go more smoothly around here." (or however I word it) he is undermined in his authority. Yes, I'm bringing it to him. But have I listened to one thing he has said? In this house, it's false humility.

If I want to be a true helpmeet to the kind of husband I have, I can't be a "manager of my home." I need to be a helpmeet of my home. I need to do Latin with the kids when I think it's time for Nature Study, and I need to  make Stew when I think we should be eating Gaspacho, and I need to read Plato when I think I should be reading Facebook, and I need to work hard to have the kids ready to go in the morning at a moment's notice, and I need to do these things because he has a plan, a vision, and an idea and I still, after all these years, have not made it mine.

Mama Mondays-Home Management Systems

As I was preparing tomorrow's Twaddle free Tuesdays post about the book Managers of their Homes and what it represents to me, a friend asked me to expound on my own ideas about home management. She's working overtime on getting organized and needed a plan. It's funny that she asked tonight as I was thinking about this very thing... funny because I've been thinking about it for years and years. But only doing it for two or so!

The truth is that starting with flylady.com's Control Binder, I have been perpetually "working on a system" for.... well, basically since I got married. And it's STILL not perfect, and I STILL have plans for it. But at least now I use it, instead of spending tons of time hole punching things, decorating them,  and writing in my best writing to make them look pretty. :)

So what follows will NOT be pretty, and will most likely NOT inspire you to get organized, but instead of talking about being organized and inspiring other people to get organized it actually helped me to get organized myself. (If you want pretty, go back and look for posts on my prayer journals. Now THOSE are pretty.) My goal for these, however, is functional.

So, to begin with, what started out as a Control Journal is now an entire shelf on our homeschool bookshelf. (Seriously. My life is that nuts, and I hardly even leave my house!)

On the far left, recipes and menu plans, grocery lists etc. Next, a little binder for the St Gianna Vocation to Holy Motherhood Group I ran until very recently. Next, Prayer and Ministry Resources, Parapsychology Files (yes, where I keep the creepy notes I take that I know a few of you would kill to read and others of you would rather stick forks in your eyes than read.) Next the Book of Mottoes, a Charlotte Mason technique for keeping quotes and ideas in one place, the Book of Centuries, another Charlotte Mason technique-- this one for keeping track of World Chronology, the kids' binders where I keep their school work, my "School and Home Planner," and a book of Charlotte Mason resources I use regularly. I imagine for other people, these could all amount to ONE binder, but for us, not even remotely. There are also binders that belong to my husband for philosophy and theology, ancient history and literature, and city planning info (he works for the city.) However, I have banished these to other shelves because he refuses to put them in binders that match and type their titles instead of writing them on the spine in pen. Sad? Hilarious? You decide.

Alright, so up first is the School and Home Planner. This is the Binder I use almost every hour. 

It opens up to a little plastic envelope where I keep a couple holy cards, extra keys, and scraps of paper with pictures my kids have drawn me that I have sworn to keep forever. :)

Behind it, the Clan Motto, Clan Mission, and Clan Rules, all of which were a collaboration effort between myself and my husband. Well, except for the motto, crest and tartan which kinda came with the bloodline. The Rules are our making--- There are ten, and we SUCK at keeping any of them. But we sure do try. 

Then we have the calendar. Some years I can afford to buy a 8.5x11 REAL day planner like the Franklin Covey kind. This year we were pretty broke so I got to use an ACTUAL wall calendar which I got for free in the mail for hosting a rosary rally from America Needs Fatima. :D As you can see, things have slowed down quite a bit around here since dad came down with lung cancer. Nevertheless, this is where appointments, etc get recorded (when I remember to do it. Which is about half the time. The rest of the time appointments are on those stupid tiny appointment cards and in the front of the ziplock envelope I showed you so that at 8 am Monday I can jump out of bed and go "Oh my gosh! I was supposed to be at the OB's today!" and ruffle through it til I find the card and realize I still have a week and a half to go. Come to think of it, that ziplock envelope is looking pretty full. Hmmm.)

Behind that, some chore charts and lesson plan overviews-- nothing specific but more like a guideline for when I get lost along the way.

Behind that is my beloved routine/schedule. I have had a routine/schedule for every single day of every single year of my marriage with high hopes that I would be able to follow it. Instead, I am married to a man who categorically refuses and / or overrides every step of the schedule as I write it. So I have simply never used these. However I continue to faithfully make one for each new season, in the hopes that -- PLEASE GOD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE---- we will one day have an orderly life in which every morning doesn't consist of him rushing into the kitchen where the kids and I are making breakfast and him shouting: "hurry up and get the kids dressed! We're driving across the state today to [ insert random idea here, like: "look at crab migrations/meet a blacksmith/ learn to rappel/ dig up dinosaur bones/ hear a play in Latin/ do a civil war re-enactment / etc.]! We'll have breakfast on the way, I've got protein bars in the car. Don't look at me like that, coffee is a crutch!"

Then comes the Ashtanga Primary Series. Because, you know....yoga is soothing. And exercise is a must around here. I'm sure hubby would love it if I threw in a bunch of stuff about kettle bells and lifting felled trees. But I 'm not gonna, because I stick to Ashtanga. 

After that is a HUGE section with eight dividers dedicated to our homeschool. It includes curriculum, lesson plans, attendance, vaccination records (or not, heehee) field trip notes, and other relevant information pertaining to school. I'll spare you the details. Don't worry, the next part is interesting. :)

Up next? The Couple to Couple League's two page guide to reading your fertility signs/ fertile phase rules for NFP users. Yes, I'm going there. Using this handy guide helps me to nail down the exact dates and times of my fertility so I know when doing the hanky panky is going to get me and hubby into another nine month stretch of madness. Of course, since I'm in one of those stretches right now.... I don't use this much. :)

NFP Charts. Don't mind the insane scribbling in the corners and margins that say things like: "MEGA STRESS," "Tornado," or "PLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEDONTBEPREGNANTYET."

After that comes a series of prayers I use daily with the kids and also the famous Deliverance Questionnaire I use when counseling people who feel they might be struggling with demonic attachments. Again, these are supposed to reflect our daily lives, right? So mine has story ideas for articles I am writing and a deliverance questionnaire I give out--- yours might have scrapbook ideas or party planning ideas. It's just a very individual thing.

Then comes a few pages of coding guides for my inductive Bible Studies. These are an inherent part of the life of a Certified Bible Nerd which, again, you probably don't have/need/want in your own planners but which I use daily.

Behind that a few pages of contacts (address book) and personal info (Credit card numbers etc) that come in handy every day and also a pocket with important documents. This is the binder that goes into the bathroom with us if there is a tornado warning because it contains all our paperwork. (and incidentally as a side note for anyone who is reading and thinking this is the gold mine you've been looking for, we have guns. Lots of guns.)

And lastly, a big plastic envelope where I put all the incoming mail and things that need to be filed. I don't keep things longer than a year, except for a few things which are in our safe. The rest of it goes RIGHT to the trash can, including cards, notes, whatever. We read them, ooo and awwwww, and then get rid of them. We try really, really hard to minimalize clutter around here, especially because we live with a pack rat. At least we know it's not OUR mess, but it's still hard to be around. Anyways, in this envelope are also a basal thermomenter for charting and a couple pens and stamps.

So that's it! The Planner is the big one I use most, but obviously I use the kids' binders daily, the prayer binder daily, and the recipe binder daily. 

The kids' binder just contains their schoolwork organized by subjects and personalized so they will enjoy and take pride in them. I might share those another day.

The Recipe Binder is a little funny. We have lists of meals for like, every feast and fast day we observe, guides to etiquette, table setting guides, etc. Then we have info about specialities we make, and literal cut up pages from cookbooks I got sick of looking at, alongside recipe cards collected from friends, magazines, and notes I took on recipes we use. It also has a ten week menu plan guide including a splurge week and a cheap week in two parts for HOT months and COLD months, so I don't have to think too hard about menu planning but don't get bored either. I might share those another day too.

The prayer and ministry binder is probably my favorite and I'll save it for another post as well. It basically contains a guide to our family's liturgical year, prayers we use, a hymnal we made, and articles, notes, and stories we frequently use when teaching or praying for and with people. 

That's it! Hope it helped you... the most important thing to remember is that it's more important to BE organized than to GET organized.... you could spend years making beautiful control journals you never use but love to share, or you can-- like my husband-- stick everything in a drawer and actually make it to appointments on time. Home management TOTALLY depends on you.... on what you will do and use.

So my real advice is-- don't think too hard about it. Just DO it. 

On the spine of my Planner is a quote from Josemaria that reminds me of that every single day: 

Work: things will change, and you'll yield more fruit than before--and it will be more savory. 

Amen!

Mama Mondays- "habit is ten natures"

Habit is ten natures, said Charlotte Mason, and if this is true, then we must focus on the formation of good habits and the breaking of bad habits for "the formation of habits is education, and education is the formation of habits."

“Strong as nature is, habit is not only as strong, but tenfold as strong” (Charlotte Mason, Vol. 1, p. 105).

 I notice it in a particular way every couple of years. My children, who have reached a certain level of autonomy when it comes to habits of attention, cleanliness, order, obedience, etc. suddenly begin to go wild.
Before I know it laying around is the norm and whining, drama, and exasperation has become the order of the day. Yelling becomes the normal vocal inflection and I even spot a bit of meanness entrenched in those sweet personalities.
Typically, I will puzzle over it for a few months and then begin some type of prayer crusade. In which God reveals to me that-- hello???-- the problem is me.
You see, every couple of years I find myself pregnant, and pregnancy and I don't mesh well (which is funny, considering how often I am pregnant. :D)
I think it's fair to say that I spend the nine months in relative agony and that, owing to the fact that I live a rather spartan life with a husband who also happens to work outside the home for what amounts to days and weeks. Because of these things, and a lack of discipline on my part, when I get pregnant, I turn into a rotten toddler---- I'm hungry, cranky, round, mean, don't like sharing, say no all the time, and throw fits or laugh hysterically depending on my mood.
So it should be no surprise, really, that I find myself in a face-off with kids who are ordinarily amazing, but whose personalities have suddenly become less than pleasant.
But I'm a slow learner, and this moment always catches me by surprise.
Now, excuses are like--- well, you know. And in my household, my husband is the very first to say and say often that excuses matter not one iota. We all have good reasons for why we didn't "do" whatever we were supposed to, but at the end of the day, only the strong survive. So we must persevere, regardless of how very good the reasons are to give up, if even temporarily.
Which is why Charlotte Mason is such a gem to me... because she presents a practical and simple way to address the problem--- that works!
She says:

"(...) we are limited to three educational instruments-- the atmosphere of environment, the discipline of habit, and the presentation of living ideas." (Vol. 1, Preface)"

I don't have control over my environment the way I would like to, and there truly is not much I can do about that. But I can, and do, present living ideas to my children, and I can, and do, present them with the intentional discipline of habit. Until I forget. :D
Charlotte was convinced that habit was inevitable-- that children developed good, or bad, habits depending on the amount of thought that went into the formation of their character and depending on their natural surroundings. Indeed, one of the first things she taught me was not to despair over a child who had developed some awful character traits, but rather to rejoice, because now that I had pinned down the problem I could simply view it as a bad habit that had been acquired and replace it with it's contrary good habit.
Charlotte taught that children can and should  (her schools held the motto "I can, I am, I ought, and I will!") develop good habits in several areas: decency and propriety, moral, physical, mental, and religious habits. And she clearly developed the formation of habits for each category so as to make it really easy to build character in the children.

Of all the habits she discussed, she placed the priority of importance on three of them:
Obedience.
Attention.
Truthfulness.
She viewed these as the foundation on which the other habits could be built, so when I go through these periods of looking at my kids and scratching my head, that is always where I start. Obedience, attention and truthfulness really do seem to be the first areas they slip and also the most important things to rectify... many of their other habits fall more naturally into place when we cover these three.

The principles of teaching and instilling good habits do not change no matter what the habit.

First, be consistent and deal with the offense right away.
Second, remember that sometimes all it takes is diverting a child's THOUGHTS (not attention) to the formation of a new habit.
Third, remember that we are training to avoid discipline later. Discipline is not the point, training is. Discipline is often punishment, whereas training eliminates the need for discipline.
Work on one habit at a time, but keep watch over the ones you've worked on.
Motivate your child with the inspiration of people who possess the habit you want to develop. (This is a particularly wonderful way to help Catholic children to imitate the virtues of the saints!)
Pay close attention so that you do not excuse your child when they develop a bad habit, not even once.
And lastly, do not NAG. Instead, simply expect obedience after one calm, quiet telling, and then reinforce with consequences when your expectation is not met. Persist with each habit for a week, a month at a time, and then move on, keeping an eye on that one like a spinning plate on the tip of one finger while you start on the next.
This is the process of habit formation, one habit at a time. And yes---there will be plenty of moments when you begin anew, looking in dismay around you at the mess of crashed and broken plates all over the ground!
I'm in one of those places right now, realizing how many habits I've let slip both in myself and in my children, for any number of "good reasons" that I can not allow to become excuses.

So today, as I have many, many times before, I will pull out my favorite Charlotte Mason book..... Laying down the Rails from Simply Charlotte Mason, which I cannot recommend enough, and begin again with Obedience, Attention, and Truthfulness, going back along the way over the many beautiful habits my children have picked up on this journey to make sure the plates are still spinning.
Only years from now will I be able to look back and breathe a sign of relief, but until then, it is once again thanks to Charlotte that I can look at a situation which at one time had the potential to make me throw up my hands and simply give up, but which instead makes me motivated and excited to train my children up in the way that they should go, so that when they are old they do not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

Scripture Sundays- Second Sunday of Lent

Mural at the Church of the Transfiguration, Mt Tabor

Today's Gospel, both in the extraordinary and ordinary form, revolves around the Transfiguration-- the moment when Jesus, The living Word of God, is revealed in all His glory on the mountain, accompanied by two of God's greatest men of faith, Elijah and Moses.

His disciples, who witness the transfiguration, ask to build tabernacles ("tents") for each of them and to remain on the mountain, but God's booming voice speaks to them, directing them to focus on Jesus:

 "This is my beloved Son. Listen to Him." 

And instead of staying,  Jesus leads them down again, into the valley and onto the Passion.

It is a moment of comfort for them, as they have just learned about the necessary passion of Our Lord and are concerned about the future. But it is also a moment of confusion-- what does the Resurrection mean?

This passage from Divine Intimacy about the Transfiguration perfectly describes the relevance of the scene.

Father Gabriel of St Mary Magdalen, OCD, writes:

"Glory is the fruit of grace: the grace possessed by Jesus in an infinite degree is reflected in an infinite glory transfiguring Him entirely. Something similar happens to us: grace will transform us "from glory to glory.""(2 Cor 3, 18) until one day it will bring us to the Beatific Vision of God in heaven. But while grace transfigures, sin, on the other hand, darkens and disfigures whoever becomes its victim. Today's Gospel brings out the close connection between the Transfiguration and the Passion of Jesus."

There is no glory without suffering. The scene makes this very clear. But the key to this passage involves the clue we are given at the very end. Peter who-- in ecstasy before this glorious vision-- begins by saying: "Lord, it is good for us to be here," asks to build three tents for them to stay. God does not allow him to stay. Instead, he removes Elijah and Moses and stands Jesus alone in front of Peter, saying: "Listen to Him."

It is only in Listening to Jesus, communing with Jesus, spending time with Jesus, and literally following Jesus that we will be given that vision again. In other words, a spiritual consolation is not for us to cling to, request, or desire. Although it is nothing short of glorious and we should enjoy it, it is built for our encouragement, not our enjoyment. It is built for our strengthening.

As mothers and wives we experience moments of glory--- successes and beautiful, "perfect" days. But if you're anything like me, those days are few and far between. The average experience of the wife and mother includes the days you forget to wash your husband's work uniform, the day your two year old learns the word "no," the day you accidentally wash the rocks and pens in your sons' pockets and break the washing machine, the day your in-laws make comments about their concerns about homeschooling, and the day your husband has a rough day at work and comes home in a bad mood. 

This is the stuff of ordinary life, and this is the suffering by which we are sanctified. It is good and well to ask for those "perfect" days.... but we do not get there alone. Even more, importantly, many of us can work our way to the top of the mountain and realize that there is nothing there but a view! If we do not go up the mountain when Jesus leads and come down from the mountain when Jesus leads, we have missed the point. Our character is not formed in our own transfiguration moments, but in them our hope is born and cultivated. Our character is formed when we turn from sin and embrace the Cross, patiently offering up our suffering and keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus who will teach us what He wants in it.

Carmelite Sister Teresa Benedicta of the Cross (St Edith Stein) said: "Hail to the Cross, Our only Hope."

In this season of lent, embrace each difficult moment of life and pray:

"Dear Jesus, am I listening to You as You taught me in the transfiguration? Teach me to embrace the cross and my own journey through the valley so that when You give me a vision of Your Glory I not only receive encouragement from it, but I recognize in it that it comes only from following You on the difficult path of Your Passion!"

Without death there is no life-- without the cross, no resurrection. When tough times come, may we all respond in faith: "Lord, it is good for us to be here," exactly as Peter said on the mountain.


TODAY'S READINGS:

Reading 1 Gn 22:1-2, 9a, 10-13, 15-18
God put Abraham to the test.
He called to him, "Abraham!"
"Here I am!" he replied.
Then God said:
"Take your son Isaac, your only one, whom you love,
and go to the land of Moriah.
There you shall offer him up as a holocaust
on a height that I will point out to you."

When they came to the place of which God had told him,
Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it.
Then he reached out and took the knife to slaughter his son.
But the LORD's messenger called to him from heaven,
"Abraham, Abraham!"
"Here I am!" he answered.
"Do not lay your hand on the boy," said the messenger.
"Do not do the least thing to him.
I know now how devoted you are to God,
since you did not withhold from me your own beloved son."
As Abraham looked about,
he spied a ram caught by its horns in the thicket.
So he went and took the ram
and offered it up as a holocaust in place of his son.

Again the LORD's messenger called to Abraham from heaven and said:
"I swear by myself, declares the LORD,
that because you acted as you did
in not withholding from me your beloved son,
I will bless you abundantly
and make your descendants as countless
as the stars of the sky and the sands of the seashore;
your descendants shall take possession
of the gates of their enemies,
and in your descendants all the nations of the earth
shall find blessing-
all this because you obeyed my command."


Responsorial Psalm Ps 116:10, 15, 16-17, 18-19
R. (116:9) I will walk before the Lord, in the land of the living.
I believed, even when I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."
Precious in the eyes of the LORD
is the death of his faithful ones.
R. I will walk before the Lord, in the land of the living.
O LORD, I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your handmaid;
you have loosed my bonds.
To you will I offer sacrifice of thanksgiving,
and I will call upon the name of the LORD.
R. I will walk before the Lord, in the land of the living.
My vows to the LORD I will pay
in the presence of all his people,
In the courts of the house of the LORD,
in your midst, O Jerusalem.
R. I will walk before the Lord, in the land of the living.

Reading 2 Rom 8:31b-34
Brothers and sisters:
If God is for us, who can be against us?
He who did not spare his own Son
but handed him over for us all,
how will he not also give us everything else along with him?

Who will bring a charge against God's chosen ones?
It is God who acquits us, who will condemn?
Christ Jesus it is who died-or, rather, was raised-
who also is at the right hand of God,
who indeed intercedes for us.


Gospel Mk 9:2-10
Jesus took Peter, James, and John
and led them up a high mountain apart by themselves.
And he was transfigured before them,
and his clothes became dazzling white,
such as no fuller on earth could bleach them.
Then Elijah appeared to them along with Moses,
and they were conversing with Jesus.
Then Peter said to Jesus in reply,
"Rabbi, it is good that we are here!
Let us make three tents:
one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah."
He hardly knew what to say, they were so terrified.
Then a cloud came, casting a shadow over them;
from the cloud came a voice,
"This is my beloved Son. Listen to him."
Suddenly, looking around, they no longer saw anyone
but Jesus alone with them.

As they were coming down from the mountain,
he charged them not to relate what they had seen to anyone,
except when the Son of Man had risen from the dead.
So they kept the matter to themselves,
questioning what rising from the dead meant.