I had a friend ask me in an email tonight why I don't go to Manna Church anymore.
I know that a year and a half ago, when we left Manna, Peter and I would have answered that question very differently, and I know that I get asked that question often, so I thought that instead of responding in an email I would blog about it. It is often said that time heals wounds, and that, in this case, has certainly been true. I hope that in this blog you will find a "balanced" perspective and a testimony of why I stopped being a "nondenominational" Christian and came back, once again, to my Catholic faith.
I became a "Christian" in 1998, on Christmas Eve, at a Calvary Chapel in Santa Barbara. 18 years previous I had become a Catholic--- baptized as an infant into the faith. I had processed through the normal "rites of initiation" of Catholic life: baptism, first reconciliation, first communion, confirmation. I had received "instruction" on living a Catholic life... I knew who Jesus was and what He did, I prayed, I went to church. But as the years passed I walked away from the relationship God was calling me to and became indifferent to God-- and worse. The well-meaning franciscans at our Parish had a tendency to "live and let live" which didn't help matters much when I started to ask the really hard questions.
By the time that Christmas eve rolled around, I was desperate for a sign that there was "more to life than this." Many years filled with drugs and parties and dabbling in other religions had left me unsatisfied and unfulfilled, and I was practically begging for something more substantial that showed me that God was REAL and cared about me. That Christmas eve, I got that, and was brought to my knees by a very REAL encounter with the Risen Christ, Immanuel, who came to be WITH me and who loved me so much He had died FOR me.
Life changed after that. It wasn't long before all night prayer vigils and Friday night bible studies were my activity of choice over a night plastered at the bar and dancing in the cage. It took me four years or so of actively trying to walk with Christ to even put a dent in the hazardous, hedonistic, self-centered and humanistic lifestyle that I had formed as my own, and many of you probably remember either being puzzled or slightly amused watching me try to order my absolutely crazy life around Christ.
From the beginning it was clear to me that there were forces of absolute evil and absolute good at work. No sooner had I accepted Christ and begun my conversion than I was met with extreme opposition from all sides... from strange encounters with people who would literally voice Satanic thoughts like "you CANT be a Christian, it's too hard," or "you can't worship Jesus, you should worship ME," to opposition from my family and closest friends, who thought I was just "going through something."
I needed to make a clean break and wasn't able to make that break until I left for the army several years later. Santa Barbara, as big as it is, was a small town for me. I knew everyone and everyone knew me (or knew of me) and this made a "lifestyle change" virtually impossible for someone as vain as me-- after all, most non-Christians think this "Christian" stuff is not only weird but excessive, and are quick to point out that they know the "real you," not willing to acknowledge that the "new person in Christ"-- the new you-- is "authentic." So becoming AUTHENTIC in our Converted Selves becomes a huge challenge.
My time in the army taught me to really minister to other people and to put myself last. There was so much going on in there and so much suffering that needed to be addressed, and I encountered a mix of people from all walks of life who had a need to FEEL and experience God's love, and in some miraculous way God graced me to do just that. Whereas before, I had problems praying "out loud" or in front of other people, miraculously, people used to line up at my bunk so that I could pray with them and the "fear" totally vanished. I used to do bible studies with some of the girls who were having a hard time in the bathrooms after dark. I found ALL my solace in the pages of my well-worn bible. Suddenly, and for the first REAL time, God used me in a powerful way and I was floored. My relationship with him was sealed and strengthened so mightily that I was completely certain that THIS, then, was the reality of a Spirit-filled life...that God directed ALL our steps.
At the same time, my time in the army was the first time I experienced and saw powerful diabolical torment in action. I was unprepared for some of the stuff I saw but it only served to strengthen my faith and conviction that not only I needed "saving," but the whole world-- which was currently under the influence of the Evil One.
I got married, moved to the South, where Christianity isn't rare and strangely "hip" but rather the Norm with a captial N. During my years as a Christian, I had really hardened up my heart against Catholicism, having been taught by Bible Teacher after Bible Teacher that it was a "dead religion," which used the "traditions of man"-- not only unbiblical but utterly evil in so many ways.
Many (most!) of my pastors and friends from Calvary Chapel, Reality, Vineyard, and The IV Church were ex-Catholics and believed these things explicitly. Those who didn't thought of Catholicism as "denominationalism"-- in other words, Catholics were Christians, but they were just another denomination, or branch, and had quite a few things they needed to lose to make them simply what they were called to be: Christians.
I attended a couple masses during my years as a protestant, mostly to please my family. And while I was drawn to the liturgy, it was a guilty pleasure. I refrained from Communion WITHOUT BEING TOLD BY ANYONE THAT I SHOULD because I felt that I needed to remove myself from the Eucharist--- that somehow, it was "different" than the relational God I was trying to serve, and that I couldn't participate in good conscience.
I applauded the scriptural "truths" I heard in the mass (now that I was well versed in the Bible) but cringed at things like: "With Mary, the Mother of God," or mentions of the Saints, which I perceived to be extremely unbiblical.
Wayne and I started out our marriage by attending the last church he has been to regularly, Northwood Temple, a Pentacostal Church. I didn't like it much, mostly because it seemed so hokey and just--- southern--- to me. I was used to sanctuaries filled with young hipsters high on Jesus worshipping God with all their might and plotting to save the World, and instead we had lots of young, beaver cleaver families, old ladies with silver hair and "Church suits," and sermons on the glory of soldiering. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't my thing. I had prayed for days on end about where we should go to Church and was convinced that God was calling us to Manna, a church all the way across town, but my husband was of a different opinion.
Finally, a year later, I was able to convince him to check out a Sunday Manna service and was relieved, the moment we walked through the doors, to find myself "home." THIS was my kind of church. Thankfully, God was working that day and he helped Peter to feel it too--ten minutes into it, he whispered to me: "THIS is where we are going to go from now on." I beamed. God was "back in my life" in a big way, and I no longer had to feel so alone in my faith. Manna delivered at just the right time. I was able to make some INCREDIBLE friends, hear some really great practical bible teaching, and really HEAR from God, who stretched us both continuously from day one.
God used our spiritual gifts to serve in little ways at Manna: we led cell groups and got formal training for deliverance ministry, which we definitely knew God was calling us to. More importantly, we began to REALLY study theology, and really strengthen our knowledge of apologetics. We wanted (still want!! ) to become Missionaries, and we pursued this goal relentlessly.
It wasn't long before we felt frustrated. As we studied theology, we became frustrated with some of the theological stances taken by our pastors. Manna's senior Pastor, an incredible man with a DEEP heart for God, believes in some things which we find abhorrent as far as doctrine goes. (Calvinism being the big one for us)Though most of the pastors have somewhat differing viewpoints as far as doctrinal principles go, they also mostly recieved their formal training from the Manna Machine, internally, and thus were raised up as leaders and now served alongside the people they had "learned to Pastor" from, which made things, in our opinion, more than a little dishonest.
We were also often frustrated by the lack of common sense and "seriousness" when it came to living out the Word of God. Peter attended a hard-to-get-into course for men to teach them to minister, but frequently found himself surrounded by people discussing sports scores and not getting ready to change the world. We disagreed with some of the financial decisions, and in the long run, we disagreed heavily with the entire process of selection of leaders for the church, the idea of church planting JUST to create mini-Mannas, and the whole concept of building a church focused on GROWTH.
Years before, we had denied an opportunity for missions training at Northwood because they had told us they were going to "make pentacostals" and expected us to do the same. We weren't interested-- we wanted to bring Christ to people. We had hoped to be able to do that at Manna, but in the end, found ourselves faced with the same problem. The last straw came when we saw the financial report for the Global Impact Celebration. We realized that the majority of the insanely huge funds allocated to China were not going to, for example, bring much-needed Bibles in China, but to build a seminary where Chinese "leaders" would learn how to pastor, Manna-Style.
Meanwhile, we were also frustrated because we heard all these incredible, inspiring sermons encouraging us to GO out into the world and bring Jesus to people. We didn't need the encouragement, that was all we wanted to do and were willing to give everything up to do so. Many of these adventures were dangerous, and the Pastor often called the congregation out on their unwillingness to live dangerously for Christ. He would tell us about these adventures, and then say: "But no one will go."
And we'd be sitting there with our hands held high-- "here we are, Lord, send us!!!" But at every turn we were told that unless we could financially make it happen, we could do nothing. This was hard for us to swallow since we are A) poor and B) attending a Church that has every luxury in the world FOR ITS WORSHIPPERS.
This disillusionment was great, but we persisted because we know the good points that Manna has-- people really LOVE God there, and we are so blessed to have met all the people we did who we consider family... people who literally live every moment for Christ. Meanwhile, a Church we briefly were called to went through a big change and began to theologically break away from what we considered the "Christian norm," into what I can only describe as Relational Christianity. It was a strange transition and we were so frustrated-- we felt that though the BIBLE was clear about doctrine, we had yet to find a church that taught pure doctrine. Every time we came close, we found that the Church had some freaky-deaky thing going on, like KJV-onlyism, or some other legalistic wierdness. We just couldn't deal with it.
At around that time, we helped a woman who was leaving the Catholic Church, where she felt abandoned, and who was beginning to attend a Church I had begun at. While I watched what she went through and felt thankful, part of me was perplexed. It had been years since I had given the Catholic thing any thought, and I was genuinely floored when I felt that I was compelled to begin to understand things like the very biblical need for Liturgy, or for ACTUAL biblical authority, or for understanding that APOSTLESHIP, biblically, was waaaaay more than just a "spiritual gifting."
The Senior Pastor at Manna calls himself an apostle, and teaches, around the world, on the subject of Church building and Apostleship. I love him dearly and think he is a genuine, good-hearted, loving man. I could not, however, condone his bible teaching on things like authority. It felt like trying to wrap our heads around nondenominational theology, no matter where we turned to get it, made us want to throw up our hands and say "Does ANYONE do this "Christian" thing RIGHT???"
At the same time, we heard about Medjugorje,a small village in former Bosnia Herzegovina where Mary, the Mother of God, is appearing and giving messages... and we began reading and watching everything we could get our hands on about it, at first thinking- woah. Demonic! I knew that C Peter Wagner was Micheal Fletcher's mentor, and how he felt about the Queen of Heaven and was TOTALLY inclined to agree. I was a part of a prayer group that ACTIVELY prayed against Marian apparitions. But when it came to Medjugorje, the discernment tests we use couldn't be used-- every one of her messages were scriptural!! They said, for 25 years, continually: to repent, to turn to Jesus Christ who is savior of the World, and to pray for the world. We were perplexed. The messages which seemed "iffy" were only iffy because we didn't believe in the Catholic Church, but at Medjugorje , Mary was speaking to Catholics and saying things like "Go to confession," or "receive the Eucharist." These were obviously Catholic-specific, but in and of themselves didn't seem "un"biblical, just "extra-"biblical. Nothing in her messages contradicted the Gospel. I wrote to the Pastor at Manna and asked him for his thoughts. He responded with one sentence: "I believe Medjugorje is demonic."
If it is demonic, I said, God sure is using "what was meant for evil for good..." there is SO much spiritual fruit there.
It was the beginning of lent. Not having observed lent for more than 11 years, I thought I could, biblically, make a case for doing so. So I did it. For 40 days I fasted from reading ANYTHING except the Bible and the Catechism of the Catholic Church, hoping to gain some clarity and figure out why I felt so DRAWN to my Catholic roots lately and whether or not I could settle, once and for all, the "are Catholics actually Christians?" question in my head.
I was amazed. Literally EVERYTHING I had come to believe just from reading the Bible as "true doctrine," was in there-- and was written and thought out in such a way as to amaze both myself and Peter with it's clarity. All of a sudden this veil seemed to lift and I found that not only was I TOTALLY immersed in "good" theology when I was reading the Catechism, all of those things which, as a protestant, has made NO sense to us were resolved with very wise answers.
For example, take the "Evolution vs Creationism" thing. In the Christian world, it's a MUST that Creationism is real. Evolution, then, would be heretical, since God made the world. As intelligent people, though, Peter and I could not wrap our heads around the idea of Creationism being "perfectly accurate science." There were loopholes. And we didn't feel that our faith was, in any way, threatened by the idea that Evolution MIGHT be real.
The Catholic response, however, is so much healthier: it says that if Evolution exists, then God made it. Which totally doesn't deny that he Created ALL things, that the Biblical accounts are true, etc. It didn't have to be either/ or. It was "both." Same for predestination: It wasn't that either God predestines everything (Calvinism) including who goes to hell, or that he predestines nothing. IT was BOTH.
It was like we were slapping our foreheads going "DUH, where has this been all our lives??"
Having been raised around intellectuals and having spent literally 12 years making myself STUPID so that God could use me better, or trying to "unlearn" everything I'd ever learned except the Bible (archeology, philosophy, history, science, etc) it was so refreshing to be able to accept that we COULD use our brains and there was no shame in that-- that in fact, we were glorifying God by studying and learning, and uncovering, not making ourselves "wordly."
All of the things which I had attributed to Catholicism as "unbiblical" (the priesthood, the communion of Saints, the pope, Mary , purgatory, etc) I realized were utterly biblical, it's just that I had been conditioned by YEARS of anti-Catholic teaching to BELIEVE that the Catholic Church taught something which, in fact, it did not. The Catholic Church has a biblical reason for EVERYTHING it teaches, because, of course, it made the Bible!
Most of all, we understood that if the Bible was true, then John 6 was definitely true, and that we needed and wanted the Eucharist. Because of BIBLICAL apostolic authority, we could receive that Eucharist no place other than our local Catholic Church. When I figured out that I NEEDED the Eucharist, I would have RUN to my nearest Catholic Church to get it. I left Manna that day, and my husband "officially" became a Catholic a year later.
Over time, I grew totally disgusted with all of the pushing and shoving I had been given to keep me from Catholicism. I felt that I had been cheated out of 12 years of true doctrine by totally well-meaning, but TOTALLY wrong "experts" in fields they didn't really understand. I felt that everyone around me, as a protestant, was constantly floundering and reaching for something "unattainable," which kept us absolutely STARVING for more and as a result, instead of unifying us, isolated us and kept us constantly at each other's throats over doctrinal purity. Whenever there is a doctrinal disagreement, the Church continues to split, and more churches are made. And that's how Satan works: Divide and Conquer.
Now that I am a Catholic again, I enjoy doctrinal perfection, PLUS perfect unity in the faith with the worldwide Church AND with my separated protestant brothers and sisters. I had the gospel before, but I didn't have the Church, and that left me with only HALF the goodness and Grace God had for me. Now that I have BOTH, I am filled to flowing over, and in the past year and a half since returning to the Church there has not been a single day that I don't (and my husband doesn't) wake up and say: "I am SO glad I am a Catholic!!!! Thank you, Jesus!"
Catholics who actually observe the Catholic Faith are never floundering. They are super-grounded, and growing in love at every turn, which is amazing. These are the fruits of the Spirit I want to surround myself with forever, and the fruits which, I hope, in time, will race me to that moment when I will hear "well done, my Good and Faithful servant."
There is a LOT of dialogue that needs to go on, in my opinion, between Protestants and Catholics, and it is so difficult because in so many ways,we speak different languages. God has given Wayne and I the ability to speak BOTH languages, and as a result we hope to bring vital energy to the Catholic Faithful we encounter from our enthusiasm at simply BEING Catholic, to reparation and unity with our protestant brothers and sisters who are estranged from the Church because of faulty or misleading information about the Church.
A year ago, I was angry at having been deceived. Today, I am thankful, and can see God's hand in everything I've experienced and how He uses it all the time. I ask that God continue to allow me to be a Catholic and receive the Sacraments for the rest of my life until the day of my death, but that he always use me as an instrument of reconciliation to help protestants understand what, exactly, the Catholic Church is all about.
Every single time I receive the Eucharist, I am brought to tears thinking about the perfection of the system God has created and how much He loves us all. I wish that I could share that love with every single person on earth, and I know that if they ALL tasted the sweetness of true Communion with Him, they would never be the same again.
"Perhaps this is one of the secrets of life-- to know 'Glory' when we see it..." --Charlotte M. Mason
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The problem of evil.
"Be mindful of those who devote themselves to the service of their brothers. Do not let them be deterred from their goals by discouraging results or lack of support..."
This was from tonight's Evening Prayer in the Liturgy of the Hours, and it struck such a chord with me. I am both feeling discouraged and simultaneously on fire in my ministry and vocation tonight, and I thought taking a moment to sort out those feelings would help me to express what problem it is I am facing.
There is a particular case which has been on my mind, and it is honestly one of the most grueling I've worked on. Where most people come to us when they find themselves either in mild stages of torment or with the infestation of a building, object or place, this particular person is experiencing daily a type of torment which, quite honestly, seeks to utterly destroy not just her peace but her body and soul in the most vile and hateful way I have personally witnessed.
Ironically, she is the one person I have not been able to help thusfar, and this puts me in a state of distress.
Without divulging any details, I'd like to talk tonight about a problem which I (and my husband) have seen plain as day from the very beginning of our Christian walk, but which, to others, seem novel, or even outdated or hokey. You see, we believe that ALL OF LIFE comes down to the battle between good and evil. We do not think that "some people" experience torment and others are left alone, we see the influence of evil everywhere and in most situations, making the Devil, as scripture says, truly the "God of this world."
I have blogged about this for years, so it will be no surprise to you, for instance, that I firmly believe that Oprah Winfrey, the Abortion crisis, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Public Schools, and most public radio and television, to name a few, are strongly influenced by Satan and his demonic spirits. I say this not in a freaky-deaky, Westboro Baptist Church kind of a way but in a very basic, simple, unapologetic manner. I see evil. And I'm not afraid to call it like it is.
I've been accused in the past of being "a regressive thinker" for believing and seeing these types of things so many places, but I tell you that if you walked in my shoes for a day and experienced, on a daily basis, the weirdness and unnatural reality that is my life, you would get it immediately. Fortunately (and unfortunately, in my opinion) God has not chosen to reveal these things as "obvious" to everyone.
My husband and I have both seen great miracles at the hand of God, things which Science absolutely cannot explain. Likewise, we have seen great tragedies at the hands of Satan, things which, quite obviously, science could not explain. To deny God's existence (and Satan's) for us would be madness-- it is as plain as can be.
It astonishes me, then, that so many people who both follow and lead in our beautiful Catholic Faith somehow miss this point. The Catechism of the Church lays it out perfectly:
The whole of man's history has been the story of dour combat with the powers of evil, stretching, so our Lord tells us, from the dawn of history until the last day. This dramatic situation of the whole world, which is in the power of the evil one, makes man's life a battle."
--Catechism of the Catholic Church: 409
And yet it is as if it has been erased from our memory as "science" and "medicine" have advanced.
Our Lord Himself gave as a commandment to his disciples to cast out demons as the VERY FIRST sign of their authority and power in Mark 16:17:
"These are the signs that will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons;"
The biblical evidence for the Church's authority in the name and power of Christ to cast out evil spirits is overwhelming, and so is the historical information we glean from reading the Church Fathers. Cyprian writes:
"Come and hear the demons with your own ears. Come and see them with your own eyes, when, defeated by our entreaties and our spiritual flagellations, and by the torture of our words, they abandon the bodies that they had possessed.... you will see how they, whom you set in high places and honor as lords, are bound by our hands and tremble within our power." (address to Demetrianus, no. 15)
I quote Father Gabriele Amorth, the chief exorcist of Rome, when I say:
"I have given three reasons that explain, in part, the reluctance of our modern Catholic Clergy to deal with these realities, and they are: lack of formation, lack of experience, and widespread doctrinal errors.
The Magesterium, on the other hand, has never failed to teach what is right. In the last decades, the Church's unchanging biblical-theological doctrine about Satan and his activity has been reiterated in no fewer than eighteen texts of the Second Vatican Council, three speeches of Pope Paul VI, and twenty-two speeches of Pope John-Paul II. These voices are clear and authoritative, but as Homer would say: "my poor verses, thrown to the winds..." (An exorcist: more stories, p. 57)
Clearly, when it comes to understanding the activity of Satan, we have all gone astray. Those of us who remain aware of the problem, usually by no action of our own, find themselves in the uncomfortable situation of trying to protect and safeguard people who do not want to be kept safe.
Meanwhile, walking among you, you will also find those people who have had a brush (whether willing or unwilling) with evil so severe that they know, instinctively, that they need relief. Many of them do not know that this relief will come from Christ, and because of the lack of equipped Christians who possess the ability and gifting and skillset to deal with these types of issues, they find themselves instead turning to further occult practices (mediums, shamen, witches and healers) to rid themselves of these influences, compounding the problem.
Virtually EVERY person we have ever assisted as deliverance counselors has been tormented by something which they either invited in unknowingly or unknowingly fell victim to. Education, and the dissemination of information relating to the demonic world, then, is paramount in the protection of the people. Sadly, even in Christian circles, these topics are seldom discussed or addressed.
Among those who DO believe, I find that they would much prefer to leave the problem up to "specialists" in the field.... pastors and priests who are called to minister to the public. Those who accept, however, quickly realize that the intricacies and bizarreness of these types of cases too often require patience as one would need when dealing with a physically or mentally ill person. This job is messy and uncomfortable, and requires that we step outside our comfort zone and into something that is basically selfless-- often requiring that we lay down our lives (sometimes literally) for another.
In protestant charismatic circles, the idea is usually taught that every believer is able to, by the power of Christ, cast out demons (these signs will follow those who believe) and most protestants who find themselves considering an authentically demonic problem recognize it is their born duty, as a child of God, to go in and battle the Enemy for the sake of the soul of the person before them. I've never known a truly believing protestant to back down from a spiritual battle they recognized as being "authentic."
Catholics, however, have two tendencies which override this zeal for the Lord's work. The first is to place all "ministry" in the hands of the priest. Now, do not get me wrong, and I must say this: WE NEED OUR PRIESTS in the battle against evil. The BEST defense against Satan is the Word of God, which we receive through the Church, the AUTHORITY of God, which we receive through the Church, and the SACRAMENTS of God, which we receive through the Church. There should be NO question: spiritual warfare is not a one-man show. However it is greatly depressing to me to see the apathy in today's layperson, not recognizing that they, in a special way, have also been called to minister to God's people.
The second tendency is rather connected to the first: out of fear of being "bothered" by Satan themselves, or being set offtrack from their "real life," people avoid those persons with obvious demonic problems like the plague. It is very, very common for people to seek to protect themselves by neither hearing, nor seeing, nor speaking about the work of Satan. Scripture is a source of great wisdom to temper this tendency. While it admonishes us to meditate only on what is GOOD, it reminds us also that we ARE engaged in the battle, whether we like it or not, by virtue of our baptism, which is, in itself, an exorcism.
In other words, we are called neither to avoid demonic issues nor to embrace them, but only to deal with them when we discern their presence. Let me say that again: we are called not to AVOID demonic problems, nor to INVITE and embrace them, but only to deal with the problem of evil as it presents itself in our lives, walks, and ministries.
In my particular situation, which I recognize to be quite different from those who are called to minister by singing in the choir or by providing spaghetti dinners for the Senior Socials, I am by nature of my vocation called to pray for and assist both persons who experience demonic torment and those persons who assist them (namely, priests and priest exorcists and deliverance counselors.)
For you, the task may be entirely different and you may never see or hear the things which I am made daily aware of. However, and this is what I wish I could convey to everyone, that does not negate your responsibility, as a believer, to fight the battles God has engaged you in. After all, the BATTLE is the Lord's, not our own. We may feel totally ill-equipped to deal with evil of the magnitude we may encounter, but we then forget that it is not "I who live, but Christ who lives in me."(Galatians 2:19,20)
Again, scripture tells us, each of us, how we are to deal with the Enemy when we encounter him. By nature of our baptism, we are all guaranteed such a meeting, and we must not be fooled that our "regular life" is the most important thing. The most important thing is not our comfort but our openness to be used of God. Our willingness to, like Mary, say "YES, Lord, may it be done to me according to thy Word," even when it seems to make no sense.
It astonishes me that in a Church full of people who pray DAILY for the intercession of such powerful saints as the Cure D'ars, or Padre Pio, or Teresa of Avila, the common people refuse to recognize in these very saints the most important aspects of their lives.... that they were not only brutally attacked and tormented by the Evil One on a regular basis, but that they, despite the discomfort that that brought, persisted in teaching others how to find liberty in Christ, which made them a target and painted a gynormous bull's eye on their backs.
We are called to be saints. Saints must fight. The battle is the Lord's. This does not mean that I intend for you to go out right now and shout a challenge to every evil spirit in sight from your front porch. NO! It means that you must look around at what has been placed on your plate, see where the Enemy is at work blocking God's will in your life and the lives of those around you, and to minister to them with full yieldedness to God, allowing Him to use you however He sees fit.
Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.- James 4:7
God knows what you need and He is the giver of all gifts. If you must face an intense battle, do not fear it, but yield to God. He will see you through to victory.
If you seem to have no big battles around you, ask God to reveal to you where He wants you to fight, and how.
If you do not discern the presence of evil somewhere in your life, then you are not looking hard enough. Remember that the catechism states that ALL OF LIFE comes down to this great battle between good and evil. You will not deal with this particular temptation and then have total peace. You will not find liberation that extends from now until Christ's return. You will not have rest, true rest, until you do the will of your Father-- and the will of God is to go out, leaving no rock unturned and no shadow left untended, destroying all the evil you find by the mighty Hand of the Lord.
Meditate on His Word:
"Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves." -- Matthew 10:16.
This was from tonight's Evening Prayer in the Liturgy of the Hours, and it struck such a chord with me. I am both feeling discouraged and simultaneously on fire in my ministry and vocation tonight, and I thought taking a moment to sort out those feelings would help me to express what problem it is I am facing.
There is a particular case which has been on my mind, and it is honestly one of the most grueling I've worked on. Where most people come to us when they find themselves either in mild stages of torment or with the infestation of a building, object or place, this particular person is experiencing daily a type of torment which, quite honestly, seeks to utterly destroy not just her peace but her body and soul in the most vile and hateful way I have personally witnessed.
Ironically, she is the one person I have not been able to help thusfar, and this puts me in a state of distress.
Without divulging any details, I'd like to talk tonight about a problem which I (and my husband) have seen plain as day from the very beginning of our Christian walk, but which, to others, seem novel, or even outdated or hokey. You see, we believe that ALL OF LIFE comes down to the battle between good and evil. We do not think that "some people" experience torment and others are left alone, we see the influence of evil everywhere and in most situations, making the Devil, as scripture says, truly the "God of this world."
I have blogged about this for years, so it will be no surprise to you, for instance, that I firmly believe that Oprah Winfrey, the Abortion crisis, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Public Schools, and most public radio and television, to name a few, are strongly influenced by Satan and his demonic spirits. I say this not in a freaky-deaky, Westboro Baptist Church kind of a way but in a very basic, simple, unapologetic manner. I see evil. And I'm not afraid to call it like it is.
I've been accused in the past of being "a regressive thinker" for believing and seeing these types of things so many places, but I tell you that if you walked in my shoes for a day and experienced, on a daily basis, the weirdness and unnatural reality that is my life, you would get it immediately. Fortunately (and unfortunately, in my opinion) God has not chosen to reveal these things as "obvious" to everyone.
My husband and I have both seen great miracles at the hand of God, things which Science absolutely cannot explain. Likewise, we have seen great tragedies at the hands of Satan, things which, quite obviously, science could not explain. To deny God's existence (and Satan's) for us would be madness-- it is as plain as can be.
It astonishes me, then, that so many people who both follow and lead in our beautiful Catholic Faith somehow miss this point. The Catechism of the Church lays it out perfectly:
The whole of man's history has been the story of dour combat with the powers of evil, stretching, so our Lord tells us, from the dawn of history until the last day. This dramatic situation of the whole world, which is in the power of the evil one, makes man's life a battle."
--Catechism of the Catholic Church: 409
And yet it is as if it has been erased from our memory as "science" and "medicine" have advanced.
Our Lord Himself gave as a commandment to his disciples to cast out demons as the VERY FIRST sign of their authority and power in Mark 16:17:
"These are the signs that will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons;"
The biblical evidence for the Church's authority in the name and power of Christ to cast out evil spirits is overwhelming, and so is the historical information we glean from reading the Church Fathers. Cyprian writes:
"Come and hear the demons with your own ears. Come and see them with your own eyes, when, defeated by our entreaties and our spiritual flagellations, and by the torture of our words, they abandon the bodies that they had possessed.... you will see how they, whom you set in high places and honor as lords, are bound by our hands and tremble within our power." (address to Demetrianus, no. 15)
I quote Father Gabriele Amorth, the chief exorcist of Rome, when I say:
"I have given three reasons that explain, in part, the reluctance of our modern Catholic Clergy to deal with these realities, and they are: lack of formation, lack of experience, and widespread doctrinal errors.
The Magesterium, on the other hand, has never failed to teach what is right. In the last decades, the Church's unchanging biblical-theological doctrine about Satan and his activity has been reiterated in no fewer than eighteen texts of the Second Vatican Council, three speeches of Pope Paul VI, and twenty-two speeches of Pope John-Paul II. These voices are clear and authoritative, but as Homer would say: "my poor verses, thrown to the winds..." (An exorcist: more stories, p. 57)
Clearly, when it comes to understanding the activity of Satan, we have all gone astray. Those of us who remain aware of the problem, usually by no action of our own, find themselves in the uncomfortable situation of trying to protect and safeguard people who do not want to be kept safe.
Meanwhile, walking among you, you will also find those people who have had a brush (whether willing or unwilling) with evil so severe that they know, instinctively, that they need relief. Many of them do not know that this relief will come from Christ, and because of the lack of equipped Christians who possess the ability and gifting and skillset to deal with these types of issues, they find themselves instead turning to further occult practices (mediums, shamen, witches and healers) to rid themselves of these influences, compounding the problem.
Virtually EVERY person we have ever assisted as deliverance counselors has been tormented by something which they either invited in unknowingly or unknowingly fell victim to. Education, and the dissemination of information relating to the demonic world, then, is paramount in the protection of the people. Sadly, even in Christian circles, these topics are seldom discussed or addressed.
Among those who DO believe, I find that they would much prefer to leave the problem up to "specialists" in the field.... pastors and priests who are called to minister to the public. Those who accept, however, quickly realize that the intricacies and bizarreness of these types of cases too often require patience as one would need when dealing with a physically or mentally ill person. This job is messy and uncomfortable, and requires that we step outside our comfort zone and into something that is basically selfless-- often requiring that we lay down our lives (sometimes literally) for another.
In protestant charismatic circles, the idea is usually taught that every believer is able to, by the power of Christ, cast out demons (these signs will follow those who believe) and most protestants who find themselves considering an authentically demonic problem recognize it is their born duty, as a child of God, to go in and battle the Enemy for the sake of the soul of the person before them. I've never known a truly believing protestant to back down from a spiritual battle they recognized as being "authentic."
Catholics, however, have two tendencies which override this zeal for the Lord's work. The first is to place all "ministry" in the hands of the priest. Now, do not get me wrong, and I must say this: WE NEED OUR PRIESTS in the battle against evil. The BEST defense against Satan is the Word of God, which we receive through the Church, the AUTHORITY of God, which we receive through the Church, and the SACRAMENTS of God, which we receive through the Church. There should be NO question: spiritual warfare is not a one-man show. However it is greatly depressing to me to see the apathy in today's layperson, not recognizing that they, in a special way, have also been called to minister to God's people.
The second tendency is rather connected to the first: out of fear of being "bothered" by Satan themselves, or being set offtrack from their "real life," people avoid those persons with obvious demonic problems like the plague. It is very, very common for people to seek to protect themselves by neither hearing, nor seeing, nor speaking about the work of Satan. Scripture is a source of great wisdom to temper this tendency. While it admonishes us to meditate only on what is GOOD, it reminds us also that we ARE engaged in the battle, whether we like it or not, by virtue of our baptism, which is, in itself, an exorcism.
In other words, we are called neither to avoid demonic issues nor to embrace them, but only to deal with them when we discern their presence. Let me say that again: we are called not to AVOID demonic problems, nor to INVITE and embrace them, but only to deal with the problem of evil as it presents itself in our lives, walks, and ministries.
In my particular situation, which I recognize to be quite different from those who are called to minister by singing in the choir or by providing spaghetti dinners for the Senior Socials, I am by nature of my vocation called to pray for and assist both persons who experience demonic torment and those persons who assist them (namely, priests and priest exorcists and deliverance counselors.)
For you, the task may be entirely different and you may never see or hear the things which I am made daily aware of. However, and this is what I wish I could convey to everyone, that does not negate your responsibility, as a believer, to fight the battles God has engaged you in. After all, the BATTLE is the Lord's, not our own. We may feel totally ill-equipped to deal with evil of the magnitude we may encounter, but we then forget that it is not "I who live, but Christ who lives in me."(Galatians 2:19,20)
Again, scripture tells us, each of us, how we are to deal with the Enemy when we encounter him. By nature of our baptism, we are all guaranteed such a meeting, and we must not be fooled that our "regular life" is the most important thing. The most important thing is not our comfort but our openness to be used of God. Our willingness to, like Mary, say "YES, Lord, may it be done to me according to thy Word," even when it seems to make no sense.
It astonishes me that in a Church full of people who pray DAILY for the intercession of such powerful saints as the Cure D'ars, or Padre Pio, or Teresa of Avila, the common people refuse to recognize in these very saints the most important aspects of their lives.... that they were not only brutally attacked and tormented by the Evil One on a regular basis, but that they, despite the discomfort that that brought, persisted in teaching others how to find liberty in Christ, which made them a target and painted a gynormous bull's eye on their backs.
We are called to be saints. Saints must fight. The battle is the Lord's. This does not mean that I intend for you to go out right now and shout a challenge to every evil spirit in sight from your front porch. NO! It means that you must look around at what has been placed on your plate, see where the Enemy is at work blocking God's will in your life and the lives of those around you, and to minister to them with full yieldedness to God, allowing Him to use you however He sees fit.
Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.- James 4:7
God knows what you need and He is the giver of all gifts. If you must face an intense battle, do not fear it, but yield to God. He will see you through to victory.
If you seem to have no big battles around you, ask God to reveal to you where He wants you to fight, and how.
If you do not discern the presence of evil somewhere in your life, then you are not looking hard enough. Remember that the catechism states that ALL OF LIFE comes down to this great battle between good and evil. You will not deal with this particular temptation and then have total peace. You will not find liberation that extends from now until Christ's return. You will not have rest, true rest, until you do the will of your Father-- and the will of God is to go out, leaving no rock unturned and no shadow left untended, destroying all the evil you find by the mighty Hand of the Lord.
Meditate on His Word:
"Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves." -- Matthew 10:16.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Identification
I'm having a really hard time dealing with the question of identity.
Who am I? Obvious answers pop out: I'm a Christian, a wife, and a mother. I'm a carmelite. I'm a friend. I'm a sister and a daughter. Then there are the occupational ones.... I'm a published writer. I'm a housekeeper. I'm a cook. I'm a minister of the gospel. I'm a teacher. I'm a nurse. I'm a doula. I'm a yogi. I'm a knitter.
All of these things are pieces of my identity that I'd like to keep. There are other things I'd like to add but haven't yet... like university graduate, or world traveller.
There come certain times in my life when I have to make decisions about piecing together that identity. I decide what shows to watch on TV and that forms me, or what books to read. I have to give up certain habits or ideas, and that also forms me. Or rather, in doing so, Christ forms His character in me.
One of the hardest things for me is letting go of those things which I WANTED to have in the first place.
Being French used to be something that mattered a great deal to me and at which I actively worked. It wasn't enough to be born and raised there--- once I came to the US I had to make French friends (the French Connection!) and cook french foods and find people to speak French with so that I didn't lose that. We watched French movies and dressed like french people, and read french books. We concerned ourselves with French issues. Every nationality represented in the US has this type of method of preservation of identity available to them. When I hung out with Swedish girls all the time, it was the identical process, we just at kottbollar and glogg instead of crepes and coffee.
Nowadays, I have virtually lost that French identity. I wear hand-me-downs that were given to me for the most part so I have completely lost my own sense of style and basically dress like an American. I have no one to speak French WITH, so I don't do that anymore. There is no cultural source of French food or entertainment or company, so I've pretty much forgotten-- or at least put out of my mind-- those things which made me "French." In fact, most people in this part of the country have a strong distaste for France and the French, so I can't even really discuss it with the locals. All I have left is a birth certificate and a funny name. And even, that, somehow, I have lost.
As my kids grow, they don't like to speak French because I'm the only one who does it with them. I wonder sometimes if it's even WORTH teaching them-- who will THEY use it with other than the once-a-month phone calls with distant relatives?
At the same time, I'm reluctant to lose it. I want to maintain this identity for no other reason than it is IMPORTANT to me, and its been with me all my life. In cleaving to my husband, I am asked to relinquish this part of me (by nature of things like his distaste for classically French cuisine or traditions which I would have, if I lived alone, implemented in my home) It is very hard to balance who I am with who HE is, because by the nature of his role and position, he does not appreciate those things "around him."
Now before you go off thinking that's unfair, consider that there are MANY things he holds dear which I am put off by and which I hope HE would lose. Should he cleave to MY culinary tastes, I would be asking him to LOSE those things which he grew up on and which create HIS identity--- like Carolina BBQ.
Marriage is a give and take, and the issue of our identity is paramount. As a couple, we have to have unity of purpose-- we have to follow those things which God has called us to. And in this life, and in our family, for right now, God has called us to Fayetteville, North Carolina, a wart on the face of America. God has called us to have more children than we can "afford" by the world's standards, to be in relationships which are less than effortless, and NOT to know with any certainty that we will ever see/experience those things of which we dream.
I may cry every year cutting my grandmother's Foie Gras at Christmas and setting up the Creche, but the fact is that the only place I know for SURE that I will see my grandmother or aunts and cousins again is in the Eucharist. To pine and dream that somehow, some way I will get back there and to look for any opportunity that "might" arise is not only wasteful but sinful. In doing so, I'm doing exactly what Jesus admonished us NOT to do--- I'm fretting about tomorrow.
It seems that my whole life has been about learning to do what's in front of me, to be present in every moment, to be content with what I have. To abandon myself completely to God's care and relinquish all sense of control.
And yet I sit here thinking about WHY and how we raise our children and I think about how sad it is that I have been fed for years that I am raising "champions and worldchangers." Are my kids going to make a difference? Maybe. But in the end, my kids are going to be just like me: a face in an ocean of humanity, a speck in time. A piece of dust.
Cleaving to my husband and to the "thing" which God is forming us, united, to be, is the most difficult task in front of me, because it means letting go of everything that "feels" good---- it means accepting that in this life, I will have trouble.
Because of the Gospel, I may never walk the streets of Marseille again. Because of the gospel, I may never arise to the stillness and quiet of my alpine home and let my children have the privilege of experience the sights and sounds which shaped me. Because of the gospel, my children may NEVER know the beautiful things I've seen and tasted and heard and carry in my heart.
The reason for that is that those things which "tie" me there are the very things I must walk away from, and often the very people from whom I must detach in order to walk into what God has willed for me. I am truly so selfish that I'm often willing to IGNORE a relational issue which must be addressed just so that I can have the peace of being connected to those things which my senses require for joy.
As a Christian, as a wife, as a Mother, as a Carmelite, I must make decisions which sometimes leave behind those people who connect me to that identity and which sometimes are my only link to that distant past for which my heart and senses long.
So now the task is to find solace-- to find in Christ that consolation which I know He, my Creator, is capable of giving me.
I have told you this so that through me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but be courageous-I have overcome the world!--John 16:33
Who am I? Obvious answers pop out: I'm a Christian, a wife, and a mother. I'm a carmelite. I'm a friend. I'm a sister and a daughter. Then there are the occupational ones.... I'm a published writer. I'm a housekeeper. I'm a cook. I'm a minister of the gospel. I'm a teacher. I'm a nurse. I'm a doula. I'm a yogi. I'm a knitter.
All of these things are pieces of my identity that I'd like to keep. There are other things I'd like to add but haven't yet... like university graduate, or world traveller.
There come certain times in my life when I have to make decisions about piecing together that identity. I decide what shows to watch on TV and that forms me, or what books to read. I have to give up certain habits or ideas, and that also forms me. Or rather, in doing so, Christ forms His character in me.
One of the hardest things for me is letting go of those things which I WANTED to have in the first place.
Being French used to be something that mattered a great deal to me and at which I actively worked. It wasn't enough to be born and raised there--- once I came to the US I had to make French friends (the French Connection!) and cook french foods and find people to speak French with so that I didn't lose that. We watched French movies and dressed like french people, and read french books. We concerned ourselves with French issues. Every nationality represented in the US has this type of method of preservation of identity available to them. When I hung out with Swedish girls all the time, it was the identical process, we just at kottbollar and glogg instead of crepes and coffee.
Nowadays, I have virtually lost that French identity. I wear hand-me-downs that were given to me for the most part so I have completely lost my own sense of style and basically dress like an American. I have no one to speak French WITH, so I don't do that anymore. There is no cultural source of French food or entertainment or company, so I've pretty much forgotten-- or at least put out of my mind-- those things which made me "French." In fact, most people in this part of the country have a strong distaste for France and the French, so I can't even really discuss it with the locals. All I have left is a birth certificate and a funny name. And even, that, somehow, I have lost.
As my kids grow, they don't like to speak French because I'm the only one who does it with them. I wonder sometimes if it's even WORTH teaching them-- who will THEY use it with other than the once-a-month phone calls with distant relatives?
At the same time, I'm reluctant to lose it. I want to maintain this identity for no other reason than it is IMPORTANT to me, and its been with me all my life. In cleaving to my husband, I am asked to relinquish this part of me (by nature of things like his distaste for classically French cuisine or traditions which I would have, if I lived alone, implemented in my home) It is very hard to balance who I am with who HE is, because by the nature of his role and position, he does not appreciate those things "around him."
Now before you go off thinking that's unfair, consider that there are MANY things he holds dear which I am put off by and which I hope HE would lose. Should he cleave to MY culinary tastes, I would be asking him to LOSE those things which he grew up on and which create HIS identity--- like Carolina BBQ.
Marriage is a give and take, and the issue of our identity is paramount. As a couple, we have to have unity of purpose-- we have to follow those things which God has called us to. And in this life, and in our family, for right now, God has called us to Fayetteville, North Carolina, a wart on the face of America. God has called us to have more children than we can "afford" by the world's standards, to be in relationships which are less than effortless, and NOT to know with any certainty that we will ever see/experience those things of which we dream.
I may cry every year cutting my grandmother's Foie Gras at Christmas and setting up the Creche, but the fact is that the only place I know for SURE that I will see my grandmother or aunts and cousins again is in the Eucharist. To pine and dream that somehow, some way I will get back there and to look for any opportunity that "might" arise is not only wasteful but sinful. In doing so, I'm doing exactly what Jesus admonished us NOT to do--- I'm fretting about tomorrow.
It seems that my whole life has been about learning to do what's in front of me, to be present in every moment, to be content with what I have. To abandon myself completely to God's care and relinquish all sense of control.
And yet I sit here thinking about WHY and how we raise our children and I think about how sad it is that I have been fed for years that I am raising "champions and worldchangers." Are my kids going to make a difference? Maybe. But in the end, my kids are going to be just like me: a face in an ocean of humanity, a speck in time. A piece of dust.
Cleaving to my husband and to the "thing" which God is forming us, united, to be, is the most difficult task in front of me, because it means letting go of everything that "feels" good---- it means accepting that in this life, I will have trouble.
Because of the Gospel, I may never walk the streets of Marseille again. Because of the gospel, I may never arise to the stillness and quiet of my alpine home and let my children have the privilege of experience the sights and sounds which shaped me. Because of the gospel, my children may NEVER know the beautiful things I've seen and tasted and heard and carry in my heart.
The reason for that is that those things which "tie" me there are the very things I must walk away from, and often the very people from whom I must detach in order to walk into what God has willed for me. I am truly so selfish that I'm often willing to IGNORE a relational issue which must be addressed just so that I can have the peace of being connected to those things which my senses require for joy.
As a Christian, as a wife, as a Mother, as a Carmelite, I must make decisions which sometimes leave behind those people who connect me to that identity and which sometimes are my only link to that distant past for which my heart and senses long.
So now the task is to find solace-- to find in Christ that consolation which I know He, my Creator, is capable of giving me.
I have told you this so that through me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but be courageous-I have overcome the world!--John 16:33
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
On homemaking.
I've gotten a couple of requests lately for a blog talking about my home life, so I guess it's time!
First, let me just say that things are about the same, on the homefront, as they always are. I'm really hoping that the summer doesn't go by too quickly, first because I'm trying to take advantage of Southern Summers without letting myself get too overwhelmed by them-- last year it was so dang hot I just stayed indoors with the AC and ventured out only when I had too, which was weird, because I didn't really FEEL the summer.
So, this year, things are a bit different. I'm sitting outside more, and going for walks, even though being pregnant (again) in this heat is deadly. It's healthier, I think, but it definitely takes a toll on me physically. This pregnancy has been harder than the other two by far, and it's not even really halfway over.
As far as the homefront goes, we are perpetually itinerant. We rent a home which has an expired lease, so technically at any moment we could be given the boot. With that in mind, we've been keeping our eyes open on new places all the while maintaining a low profile and staying on top of enjoying the time we have in this home. This is the longest we, as a married couple, have been in one place, so its kinda grown on me. As much as I'm ready for a new (and bigger, please God! This place is sooo tiny!) house, I'm also thankful for the nice neighborhood and all of that.
Doing that has caused me to get into a place where I try to just take things as they come. The nature of Peter's work situation and our goals etc mean that I am basically forced to give up on any sense of control I have over my future. Things just happen, and I just do what I can to make sure they happen in a way that I can handle, or at least deal with.
Recently, Peter and I got into an argument over the state of the refrigerator. You see, when we go to the grocery store, I always push the old, nasty stuff to the back and put the new, yummy stuff I just bought in the front. This means that often I find things have gone bad because I forgot about them, etc, and that I periodically have to have these like, two hour cleansing sessions with my fridge where I'm pulling out half eaten yogurt containers and old hummus boxes.
Soooooo, Peter got really mad at me one day and said that I always do things in the least logical way--- I keep things far from where they are needed, etc etc. He explained to me that it made WAY more sense to keep the OLD food in the front and the new food in the back. And he was right. What's funny is, it totally changed the way I looked at how I keep my house.
All of a sudden, I realized that nothing in my house was really functional. It was orderly because I slaved away at BEING orderly, but it wasn't useful. I set to work re-arranging everything so that it fit with our lifestyle, and more importantly, so that it met my priorities.
The way it had happened was that I was trying very hard to live other people's lives.
For years, now, it had been like this.... I was trying to squeeze myself into the mold of the "perfect Christian housewife" and unfortunately, there is no such thing. Instead, I was trying as hard as I could to BE Debi Pearl or Stormie O'Martian or Mr.s Fletcher, and not stopping to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit with regards to what He wanted for MY life, and for MY specific family, which wasn't to be or look like the Pearls or the O'Martians or the Fletchers. My family has a distinct flavor and "thing" that makes us US, and that was what I was failing to recognize. So I started over, with my priorities.
For example, my priorities for myself are to pray more, to do yoga more, to knit more, and to write more. These are the areas in which I believe God has really given me particular gifts which he wants me to nurture and to grow in, for the sake of my ministry and my walk with Him.
My priorities for the kids are to homeschool, to get exercise, to get at least an hour's nap, and to play well and learn the Gospel.
My priorities for Peter are to eat well, feel loved, and to be given the time and encouragement he needs to succeed in school.
So I did little things, like put the family altar front and center in the living room, so that we cannot walk around without being reminded of God's presence in our lives and making Him a part of our day.
Then I took all the books off the living room book shelf and instead filled it with yoga mats and props, to encourage me to stop and do yoga throughout the day. Which has been amazing, and a big change from having to haul them out from the bedroom closet!
Making adjustments like that has helped me to put what's most important first.
To add to the changes I was making, I got rid of my "daily schedule." There was sooo much stress on me each day to stop whatever I was doing at the time and shift gears just because the clock said to.
I worked hard to make great schedules and then found that I could not keep them no matter what, because invariably one of the kids would be in a bad mood, or too tired, or my husband would change his mind and come home for lunch, or things like that. My house is FAR too volatile to keep a perfect schedule 100% of the time. So instead of pressuring myself to stay "on schedule," I've learned to just make a to-do list. I keep it in my calendar and as the day goes by I work at knocking things off it. Whatever doesn't get done that day gets moved to the next day, but the important stuff always comes first. And i find that in doing that, I have the freedom and flexibility to stop and discipline the kids when they need it or take a break and sit on the floor for a while with them when they need that and I'm not constrained by a clock which ticks.
This doesn't mean I've slacked off in any way-- my days are actually FAR more productive. But it does mean that I've stopped trying to fit in someone else's shoes, taken a long hard look at my TRUE self and my family's TRUE spirit, and tried to figure out ways and systems to cope with life in our crazy, busy household.
And it works!
I feel far more grounded as a housewife than I ever have been-- I'm finally starting to feel confident in my mothering and in my housekeeping. And less stress on me makes my husband a happier man, because I am able to accept us all for who we are and what we feel God has called US to become rather than feeling constant disappointment that I don't live up to the picture perfect image which I see around me of what a "Good Christian wife and mom" should look like. It's liberating!
Of course, this pregnancy, as usual, has me up and down with mood swings and just feeling so run down, so I am having to be patient with myself and learn to adapt even more to my body's need for rest these days.
I really don't DO pregnancy very well, it's always a fiasco and I am miserable most of the way through it, so I'm looking forward to baby 3 being here and things moving along nicely.
That's about it for now! Hope it was somewhat helpful.
First, let me just say that things are about the same, on the homefront, as they always are. I'm really hoping that the summer doesn't go by too quickly, first because I'm trying to take advantage of Southern Summers without letting myself get too overwhelmed by them-- last year it was so dang hot I just stayed indoors with the AC and ventured out only when I had too, which was weird, because I didn't really FEEL the summer.
So, this year, things are a bit different. I'm sitting outside more, and going for walks, even though being pregnant (again) in this heat is deadly. It's healthier, I think, but it definitely takes a toll on me physically. This pregnancy has been harder than the other two by far, and it's not even really halfway over.
As far as the homefront goes, we are perpetually itinerant. We rent a home which has an expired lease, so technically at any moment we could be given the boot. With that in mind, we've been keeping our eyes open on new places all the while maintaining a low profile and staying on top of enjoying the time we have in this home. This is the longest we, as a married couple, have been in one place, so its kinda grown on me. As much as I'm ready for a new (and bigger, please God! This place is sooo tiny!) house, I'm also thankful for the nice neighborhood and all of that.
Doing that has caused me to get into a place where I try to just take things as they come. The nature of Peter's work situation and our goals etc mean that I am basically forced to give up on any sense of control I have over my future. Things just happen, and I just do what I can to make sure they happen in a way that I can handle, or at least deal with.
Recently, Peter and I got into an argument over the state of the refrigerator. You see, when we go to the grocery store, I always push the old, nasty stuff to the back and put the new, yummy stuff I just bought in the front. This means that often I find things have gone bad because I forgot about them, etc, and that I periodically have to have these like, two hour cleansing sessions with my fridge where I'm pulling out half eaten yogurt containers and old hummus boxes.
Soooooo, Peter got really mad at me one day and said that I always do things in the least logical way--- I keep things far from where they are needed, etc etc. He explained to me that it made WAY more sense to keep the OLD food in the front and the new food in the back. And he was right. What's funny is, it totally changed the way I looked at how I keep my house.
All of a sudden, I realized that nothing in my house was really functional. It was orderly because I slaved away at BEING orderly, but it wasn't useful. I set to work re-arranging everything so that it fit with our lifestyle, and more importantly, so that it met my priorities.
The way it had happened was that I was trying very hard to live other people's lives.
For years, now, it had been like this.... I was trying to squeeze myself into the mold of the "perfect Christian housewife" and unfortunately, there is no such thing. Instead, I was trying as hard as I could to BE Debi Pearl or Stormie O'Martian or Mr.s Fletcher, and not stopping to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit with regards to what He wanted for MY life, and for MY specific family, which wasn't to be or look like the Pearls or the O'Martians or the Fletchers. My family has a distinct flavor and "thing" that makes us US, and that was what I was failing to recognize. So I started over, with my priorities.
For example, my priorities for myself are to pray more, to do yoga more, to knit more, and to write more. These are the areas in which I believe God has really given me particular gifts which he wants me to nurture and to grow in, for the sake of my ministry and my walk with Him.
My priorities for the kids are to homeschool, to get exercise, to get at least an hour's nap, and to play well and learn the Gospel.
My priorities for Peter are to eat well, feel loved, and to be given the time and encouragement he needs to succeed in school.
So I did little things, like put the family altar front and center in the living room, so that we cannot walk around without being reminded of God's presence in our lives and making Him a part of our day.
Then I took all the books off the living room book shelf and instead filled it with yoga mats and props, to encourage me to stop and do yoga throughout the day. Which has been amazing, and a big change from having to haul them out from the bedroom closet!
Making adjustments like that has helped me to put what's most important first.
To add to the changes I was making, I got rid of my "daily schedule." There was sooo much stress on me each day to stop whatever I was doing at the time and shift gears just because the clock said to.
I worked hard to make great schedules and then found that I could not keep them no matter what, because invariably one of the kids would be in a bad mood, or too tired, or my husband would change his mind and come home for lunch, or things like that. My house is FAR too volatile to keep a perfect schedule 100% of the time. So instead of pressuring myself to stay "on schedule," I've learned to just make a to-do list. I keep it in my calendar and as the day goes by I work at knocking things off it. Whatever doesn't get done that day gets moved to the next day, but the important stuff always comes first. And i find that in doing that, I have the freedom and flexibility to stop and discipline the kids when they need it or take a break and sit on the floor for a while with them when they need that and I'm not constrained by a clock which ticks.
This doesn't mean I've slacked off in any way-- my days are actually FAR more productive. But it does mean that I've stopped trying to fit in someone else's shoes, taken a long hard look at my TRUE self and my family's TRUE spirit, and tried to figure out ways and systems to cope with life in our crazy, busy household.
And it works!
I feel far more grounded as a housewife than I ever have been-- I'm finally starting to feel confident in my mothering and in my housekeeping. And less stress on me makes my husband a happier man, because I am able to accept us all for who we are and what we feel God has called US to become rather than feeling constant disappointment that I don't live up to the picture perfect image which I see around me of what a "Good Christian wife and mom" should look like. It's liberating!
Of course, this pregnancy, as usual, has me up and down with mood swings and just feeling so run down, so I am having to be patient with myself and learn to adapt even more to my body's need for rest these days.
I really don't DO pregnancy very well, it's always a fiasco and I am miserable most of the way through it, so I'm looking forward to baby 3 being here and things moving along nicely.
That's about it for now! Hope it was somewhat helpful.
More on Christian Yoga.
I just read the greatest quote EVER in an article on Catholicism and yoga.
Because she recognized the immediate "health" sense of practicing yoga when she was given a series of asanas to practice after an injury and immediately recovered, this woman began by telling everyone she met about the benefits of a yoga practice.
Almost immediately , she was warned to stay away for fear of getting infested by demons by well meaning Christian friends.
Thus, this Catholic woman began her own journey, not unlike mine, to discover whether Christians can/should practice yoga.
One of the best comments she made was this:
As a Catholic, she is perpetually being hounded that her gestures and responses and physical postures during mass are "unspiritual" and that she is practicing an empty religion that does NOTHING to draw her to Jesus. People tell her to "get real" with Christ and to build a relationship and not to focus on meaningless gestures and meditations and responses.
And yet these same people who tell her that Christ has no power over her in Mass are telling her that essentially by stretching her legs she is willingly allowing powerful demons entry into her soul. In other words, (and I'm paraphrasing) demons have infinitely more power than Christ over our wills. When we exercise our will and try to meet with God, He will not meet us, but when a well meaning Christian leaves her will out of it and innocently moves her body a certain way, he will abandon her to demonic entities? What kind of God is that?
The main point of her article is that there is absolutely no "danger" in practicing yoga, not only for the exercise but in gaining a grasp of yoga's philosophy, so long as one does not begin to practice hinduism (and I'll add buddhism) alongside it. Any well-grounded Christian with an ounce of discernment can begin a home practice, learn the basics, benefit from the healthy changes that yoga will create in their life, without doing any danger or damage to their soul or situation.
It's when people begin to open themselves up to the new age blending of religious ideas that they begin to lose their WILL and sense of who they are in Christ. I suffer for people who agonize over their desire to practice yoga but feel that they cannot "partake" in something that didn't originate in the Bible. Do these people eat hamburgers? They aren't in the bible. Do they have Christmas trees? Not in the bible. Do they listen to Christian Rock? Not in the bible. Do they drive cars? Not in the bible. And yet they have managed to sanctify these things and blend them with their Christian identity. Why can we not do the same for yoga? Are these demons so much more powerful than Christ that they cannot succumb to His will for us as we exercise our own will-- healthy bodies, minds and souls focused on Him and overflowing with His love and light?
I loved reading this article, because it really showed me how I'm not the only one who has struggled to find meaning in the madness of people's fears and insecurities about God and their relationship to Him.
The basic premise is simple: DO YOGA. WORSHIP GOD ALONE. If at any point in your communal practice you come to a moment where you are using your will to open up to something other than Christ, stop and reject that as a part of your practice. Learn to be transformed by the RENEWING, and not emptying, of your mind. (Romans 12:1-2)
The complete text of the article can be found here:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/854539/is_there_such_a_thing_as_christian.html?singlepage=true&cat=50
Because she recognized the immediate "health" sense of practicing yoga when she was given a series of asanas to practice after an injury and immediately recovered, this woman began by telling everyone she met about the benefits of a yoga practice.
Almost immediately , she was warned to stay away for fear of getting infested by demons by well meaning Christian friends.
Thus, this Catholic woman began her own journey, not unlike mine, to discover whether Christians can/should practice yoga.
One of the best comments she made was this:
As a Catholic, she is perpetually being hounded that her gestures and responses and physical postures during mass are "unspiritual" and that she is practicing an empty religion that does NOTHING to draw her to Jesus. People tell her to "get real" with Christ and to build a relationship and not to focus on meaningless gestures and meditations and responses.
And yet these same people who tell her that Christ has no power over her in Mass are telling her that essentially by stretching her legs she is willingly allowing powerful demons entry into her soul. In other words, (and I'm paraphrasing) demons have infinitely more power than Christ over our wills. When we exercise our will and try to meet with God, He will not meet us, but when a well meaning Christian leaves her will out of it and innocently moves her body a certain way, he will abandon her to demonic entities? What kind of God is that?
The main point of her article is that there is absolutely no "danger" in practicing yoga, not only for the exercise but in gaining a grasp of yoga's philosophy, so long as one does not begin to practice hinduism (and I'll add buddhism) alongside it. Any well-grounded Christian with an ounce of discernment can begin a home practice, learn the basics, benefit from the healthy changes that yoga will create in their life, without doing any danger or damage to their soul or situation.
It's when people begin to open themselves up to the new age blending of religious ideas that they begin to lose their WILL and sense of who they are in Christ. I suffer for people who agonize over their desire to practice yoga but feel that they cannot "partake" in something that didn't originate in the Bible. Do these people eat hamburgers? They aren't in the bible. Do they have Christmas trees? Not in the bible. Do they listen to Christian Rock? Not in the bible. Do they drive cars? Not in the bible. And yet they have managed to sanctify these things and blend them with their Christian identity. Why can we not do the same for yoga? Are these demons so much more powerful than Christ that they cannot succumb to His will for us as we exercise our own will-- healthy bodies, minds and souls focused on Him and overflowing with His love and light?
I loved reading this article, because it really showed me how I'm not the only one who has struggled to find meaning in the madness of people's fears and insecurities about God and their relationship to Him.
The basic premise is simple: DO YOGA. WORSHIP GOD ALONE. If at any point in your communal practice you come to a moment where you are using your will to open up to something other than Christ, stop and reject that as a part of your practice. Learn to be transformed by the RENEWING, and not emptying, of your mind. (Romans 12:1-2)
The complete text of the article can be found here:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/854539/is_there_such_a_thing_as_christian.html?singlepage=true&cat=50
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