"Perhaps this is one of the secrets of life-- to know 'Glory' when we see it..." --Charlotte M. Mason
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
You never can tell
You Never Can Tell
Ella Wheeler Wilcox
You never can tell when you send a word,
Like an arrow shot from a bow
By an archer blind, be it cruel or kind,
Just where it may chance to go!
It may pierce the breast of your dearest friend,
Tipped with its poison or balm;
To a stranger's heart in life's great mart,
It may carry its pain or its calm.
* * * * *
You never can tell when you do an act
Just what the result will be;
But with every deed you are sowing a seed,
Though the harvest you may not see.
Each kindly act is an acorn dropped
In God's productive soil.
You may not know, but the tree shall grow,
With shelter for those who toil.
* * * * *
You never can tell what your thoughts will do,
In bringing you hate or love;
For thoughts are things, and their airy wings
Are swifter than carrier doves.
They follow the law of the universe,
Each thing must create its kind;
And they speed o'er the track to bring you back
Whatever went out from your mind.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Mind and matter: The freedom to love
Recently, I've been reading with great interest all of the parenting posts online of people making headway with children suffering from very challenging disorders. From adhd to sensory issues and autism, oppositional defiance disorder to hypersensitivity and anxiety disorders... it seems they are everywhere we turn and I often fear in my own household as well.
It is hard to sort out my feelings about how to handle these incredibly difficult experiences. I wholeheartedly believe that professional counseling, diet changes, and close professional monitoring are often necessary. But I also believe in the healing power of Our Lord to help these children -- and their parents-- overcome.
A wise old friend, priest exorcist, and mentor to me who has a higher education in psychology AND theology once told me something that really hit me.
He said--
"In a sense, psychology is really a necessary bunch of hooey. Necessary, but psychology will never save us. The practice of psychology essentially gives a name to a symptom. It categorizes, it notices, it points out. But the work of healing must be done within, no person receiving psychotherapy is healed by the psychologist, but by God."
I think it is helpful to look at clusters of symptoms, to listen to the experiences of others who seem to experience them, to speak about them regularly with someone, and to examine oneself.
More useful are two things:
(1) Unconditional love and acceptance, respect and human dignity
(2) a good example.
I'm coming to realize that this is the only way to parent, and the only way to evangelize... and the only way to disciple.
I'm also starting to realize just how much craftier Satan is than I had ever, ever thought (and believe me, I've thought and thought because I worked in deliverance ministry for years.)
You see, part of the inheritance we receive from our bloodline includes genetic weaknesses... tendencies. Sometimes they have to do with obvious sins like alcoholism or rebelliousness. Other times with inherited issues surrounding neurotransmitters or organ formation.... but some of these can be spiritual too.
In my first day of psychology, I learned that some of us are "born" with the seed for certain issues, but that no one really understands when / why they get activated and begin to grow. Studies do show that a person with a certain chemical tendency in the brain, given the right environment, may never experience its effects. Studies also show that given the WRONG environment, even a person who suffers from NO SUCH genetic pre-disposition can and WILL develop said issue. It seems to me, then, that the best solution is and always will be to begin with infancy and to watch over our children.
When Charlotte Mason said "education is a discipline, an atmosphere and a life...." she was NOT kidding! We cannot let go for one instant. At the same time, we WILL fail, of course, at providing the perfect atmosphere and discipline. Not only because we will sin ourselves, but because ultimately we cannot control some kinds of input. Our children will see, hear, eat, observe all kinds of things that we would rater they not at some point, and our vigilance can only go so far.
That's where the Will of God comes in-- those difficulties which He in His infinite wisdom allows us to experience despite our best attempts at vigilance. We must accept them as the will of God for our lives and embrace the sanctifying suffering which they cause us.
This is why we confess our own sins, and not the sins of others. This is why when a person wants an exorcism, we begin by reminding them that the best exorcism in the world will fail when you do not have a penitent spirit. This is why, on the other hand, a baby who is baptized (and therefore exorcised, as the rite of baptism contains an exorcism) is instantly healed of original sin, and why food that is blessed becomes blessed.
It is also why a psychologist in a therapeutic setting will lead a person through painful/traumatic experiences and ask him to examine them in light of truth. Naturally, for us, truth is not objective! We have a rock on which to stand.
When we look at ways we have been wounded and accept that these experiences were wounding, but that Jesus heals us and that we are called to forgive and to fight with all our might against our OWN sins, we may not need any further assistance.
But when our hearts become closed to this idea... when we begin to feel justified in our violence and unforgiveness and wrong reactions and in our anger and bitterness and hurt.... THAT is when a mental imbalance begins to develop and strengthen. It is also when a physical imbalance can be begin to develop and strengthen--- and even a spiritual imbalance.
Were we justified to experience anger and resentment and paralyzing fear when we were abused as a child? These are natural responses to such a horrific act, and no one in their right mind would blame us for having them. But is there a better way? Is there a path of peace, and if so, how can we find our footing along it? Psychology offers us some insight, but only theology offers us the answers. Those who appear healed without God will find that they may have been "saved" from a suffering which was intended to give them a real, and deeper salvation.
Sin is messy and ugly, and the working out of our own salvation (Phil 2:12) is rough, difficult work.
Like childbirth, it involves pain so bad we don't think we will live through it, and an inner strengthening which can come only from above.
So psychology is extremely helpful, but it does not always provide the focus we might need.
Before I studied psychology or returned to the Church, I was surrounded by people who were FORMER psychiatrists and psychologists-- people who had ceased to practice because of their Christian faith. They felt like frauds, essentially, keeping people from the Gospel, and were adamant about the work of healing belonging to the Holy Spirit. I learned very much from these people and I still hold them in very high esteem. I watched some of the most challenging cases find healing and peace through their interactions, and I cannot deny that what they said would happen... did. And that people were better off and at peace.
When I returned to the Church, it was a confusing time for me. No longer sure of the path God had put me on, I realized quickly that there was no room for me in the ministry of exorcism of the Church in a professional kind of way. In the Catholic Church, the only exorcists are Catholic priests. At the same time, I KNEW that I had prayed with people and that the demonic torments they were experiencing had left them. So I couldn't deny that. It was one of the hinge-issues that kept me from embracing a full return immediately. Fortunately, a wise priest once explained to me: "just because you CAN, doesn't always mean you SHOULD." Ahhhh.
I began to see that I had been very foolish as a protestant in deliverance ministry, and had only been protected from evil by God's ocean of mercy. I never really experienced the kind of mind boggling, bone-chilling (I SO know the root of that expression now!), horrifying and subtle evil-with-a-capital-E until I returned to the Church. That's when, it seemed, my pride was exposed for what it really was to me.... because whereas before I had been sure of myself and sure of God's ability to deliver, I had also been both telling God what to do and telling the person how they should respond. I had been completely unaware of these things as I did them-- I really thought I was doing what was best. But it was revealed to me very quickly that my former actions had been prideful, self-centered in many ways, and also narrow-minded. God's plan includes a far greater purpose than just "feeling good." It involves holiness, and sanctification. Nothing less than our pruning and perfecting.
I met people who were "doing all the right things" by Christian standards, and yet who simply could not "achieve" deliverance. At first I thought that these must be signs of the profound evil-ness of Catholicity, and I wondered if I had been deceived into returning. But then I began to notice that these suffering people were experiencing something I had never really seen from the scores of people who were delivered in the settings I was used to before and freed to walk away. These suffering people were holy. And holiness was something oft talked about in my circles before, but not often seen.
Within the Church, I was at first so amazed and frustrated to find that we always had to consult psychologists first to help people. It seemed so secular and unspiritual. I felt psychologists couldn't possibly help anyone in a really LASTING kind of way. And because of that, I felt that any child suffering from any type of disorder was really in need of nothing but a prayer and a good talking to.
But over time, although I vehemently disagree with many Bishops, including my own, in their stance on the ministry of exorcism (For you shocked Catholics--- I'm looking to Peter, always my eyes on Peter, and he has never let me down. ;) ) I have found that psychology is a useful tool to help pinpoint certain characteristics and concepts that lead us to root causes. In modern usage, a Bishop requests that a complete psychiatric evaluation be undertaken before the rite of exorcism is approved. Further, the Rite of Exorcism is ONLY approved if one of six super-natural signs (things like levitating or knowledge of something the person cannot have knowledge of) are present. This is "prudence." Now, most exorcists I have met live extremely lonely lives. They walk between two worlds, and no one wants what they have-- not even themselves.
They are also some of the holiest and most prayerful people I know. AND the most mentally taxed. I pray for them daily, and you should too.
I don't know a single exorcist who thinks that any harm would come to a person who WASN'T suffering from possession having been exorcised. The general consensus among them is that evil is present in the world and we must root it out and combat it, particularly when it hides. This whole cautionary craziness is all about fear... mostly fear of scandal, they assert.
At the same time, there is wisdom in the precautionary attitude.
While the Rite of Exorcism serves to literally command a demon to go from hidden to visible so that it can be dealt with accordingly, psychology serves to root out a sin so that it can be faced, or to root out a biological tendency that needs addressing which may be the result of evolutionary conditioning (years upon years of sinful behaviors that produce long term results).
And this gift is oft neglected, although I know that as a protestant I was SURE that I was incorporating it into my ministry.
As a totally random example-- there is now a disorder called exploding head syndrome. Scientists noticed that many people reported waking up suddenly with extremely heightened physiological awareness that they were in danger, having heard a door slam, for example, that they realized had never slammed when they woke up. They behave physically as if they are in life-threatening danger (heavy breathing, heart pounding, adrenaline pumping), but everything is calm and peaceful when they awake. Some people experience it once a lifetime. Others several times a night.
Scientists can now pinpoint the exact part of the brain that is activated when Exploding Head Syndrome occurs. They have named it, named the disorder, and done studies to correlate lifestyle choices and genetic situations which make it more common than for others. They have done studies and found medications which can limit the number of experiences or at least slow down the active parts of the brain that cause it.
But science STOPS there. It cannot tell you WHY a person experiences exploding head syndrome and it cannot tell you WHAT activated this pinpoint in the brain. It cannot explain the activity in the physical brain matter at the time, only say that it. is. there.
Now, in my personal life, I have met many people who complained of Exploding Head Syndrome and many other strange disorders besides. And though I am not a psychologist, with the help of my own mentors and teachers and by the grace of God I have been able to help them. And how? By doing the above:
(1) Unconditional love and acceptance, respect and human dignity (2) a good example.
Obviously, the only key that truly unlocked what they needed was prayer. Obviously it was through prayer that God moved and that they agreed to accept Him and that they were healed. But the real deliverance happens when a person accepts that there is a better way than sin!
At the same time, I'll tell you a secret--- in all those years in deliverance ministry and then in the Catholic Church helping people who were in need of exorcisms and priest exorcists and Bishops communicate, I have found that some people appear to be simply beyond deliverance. Neither doctors nor medicine, nor priests nor prayer, have been able to help them. For some people, the Exploding Head Syndrome doesn't stop. The nervous tics, the uncontrollable impulses, the compulsive behaviors, the voices.... they won't let up. In those people, some medicated, some not, I have found two reactions: either peace, or panic.
I know countless people who have been failed by both psychology and the Church. They lie, rotting in hospitals without help, and their screams are ignored. They are kept sedated and quieted by force. My heart aches for them, and I pray for them daily.
There are others, though, who have shown a different way is possible.
I know a woman who suffers tremendously from schizophrenia. Medicated or not, she cannot find quiet from the voices in her head. She has had exorcisms to no avail, she has had psychotherapy and even hospitalization. Nothing. When I met her, she was terrifying to me. Today, she still hears the voices and still suffers from schizophrenia.
She is also the proud, happy mother of three beautiful and well-adjusted children, wife to a kind and wonderful man, and generally a very happy and well-faring person. How? Because she knows JESUS.
She knows the power of God over her visions and voices and evil thoughts.. She has experienced his deliverance over the issues of her body and soul. At the same time, she accepts her cross--- His will for her life--- and she has spoken to Him about it extensively. Daily she gets up and receives strength and light to face her unusual journey. And daily He delivers, although she is not like you and me. Her insight and wisdom are attractive to all who meet her. And her peace is profound.
This is how I always want to look at disorder and mental illness. I want to remember that there are two choices for each of us: peace, or panic. And to walk the way of Peace, with the Prince of Peace.
And I want to remember that in my interactions with others, whether they be my own children or the children of others exhibiting strange and difficult disorders of the mind and body..... there are really only two things I can do besides pray:
I can love without limits.
I can lead to my Lord.
Amen.
It is hard to sort out my feelings about how to handle these incredibly difficult experiences. I wholeheartedly believe that professional counseling, diet changes, and close professional monitoring are often necessary. But I also believe in the healing power of Our Lord to help these children -- and their parents-- overcome.
A wise old friend, priest exorcist, and mentor to me who has a higher education in psychology AND theology once told me something that really hit me.
He said--
"In a sense, psychology is really a necessary bunch of hooey. Necessary, but psychology will never save us. The practice of psychology essentially gives a name to a symptom. It categorizes, it notices, it points out. But the work of healing must be done within, no person receiving psychotherapy is healed by the psychologist, but by God."
I think it is helpful to look at clusters of symptoms, to listen to the experiences of others who seem to experience them, to speak about them regularly with someone, and to examine oneself.
More useful are two things:
(1) Unconditional love and acceptance, respect and human dignity
(2) a good example.
I'm coming to realize that this is the only way to parent, and the only way to evangelize... and the only way to disciple.
I'm also starting to realize just how much craftier Satan is than I had ever, ever thought (and believe me, I've thought and thought because I worked in deliverance ministry for years.)
You see, part of the inheritance we receive from our bloodline includes genetic weaknesses... tendencies. Sometimes they have to do with obvious sins like alcoholism or rebelliousness. Other times with inherited issues surrounding neurotransmitters or organ formation.... but some of these can be spiritual too.
In my first day of psychology, I learned that some of us are "born" with the seed for certain issues, but that no one really understands when / why they get activated and begin to grow. Studies do show that a person with a certain chemical tendency in the brain, given the right environment, may never experience its effects. Studies also show that given the WRONG environment, even a person who suffers from NO SUCH genetic pre-disposition can and WILL develop said issue. It seems to me, then, that the best solution is and always will be to begin with infancy and to watch over our children.
When Charlotte Mason said "education is a discipline, an atmosphere and a life...." she was NOT kidding! We cannot let go for one instant. At the same time, we WILL fail, of course, at providing the perfect atmosphere and discipline. Not only because we will sin ourselves, but because ultimately we cannot control some kinds of input. Our children will see, hear, eat, observe all kinds of things that we would rater they not at some point, and our vigilance can only go so far.
That's where the Will of God comes in-- those difficulties which He in His infinite wisdom allows us to experience despite our best attempts at vigilance. We must accept them as the will of God for our lives and embrace the sanctifying suffering which they cause us.
This is why we confess our own sins, and not the sins of others. This is why when a person wants an exorcism, we begin by reminding them that the best exorcism in the world will fail when you do not have a penitent spirit. This is why, on the other hand, a baby who is baptized (and therefore exorcised, as the rite of baptism contains an exorcism) is instantly healed of original sin, and why food that is blessed becomes blessed.
It is also why a psychologist in a therapeutic setting will lead a person through painful/traumatic experiences and ask him to examine them in light of truth. Naturally, for us, truth is not objective! We have a rock on which to stand.
When we look at ways we have been wounded and accept that these experiences were wounding, but that Jesus heals us and that we are called to forgive and to fight with all our might against our OWN sins, we may not need any further assistance.
But when our hearts become closed to this idea... when we begin to feel justified in our violence and unforgiveness and wrong reactions and in our anger and bitterness and hurt.... THAT is when a mental imbalance begins to develop and strengthen. It is also when a physical imbalance can be begin to develop and strengthen--- and even a spiritual imbalance.
Were we justified to experience anger and resentment and paralyzing fear when we were abused as a child? These are natural responses to such a horrific act, and no one in their right mind would blame us for having them. But is there a better way? Is there a path of peace, and if so, how can we find our footing along it? Psychology offers us some insight, but only theology offers us the answers. Those who appear healed without God will find that they may have been "saved" from a suffering which was intended to give them a real, and deeper salvation.
Sin is messy and ugly, and the working out of our own salvation (Phil 2:12) is rough, difficult work.
Like childbirth, it involves pain so bad we don't think we will live through it, and an inner strengthening which can come only from above.
So psychology is extremely helpful, but it does not always provide the focus we might need.
Before I studied psychology or returned to the Church, I was surrounded by people who were FORMER psychiatrists and psychologists-- people who had ceased to practice because of their Christian faith. They felt like frauds, essentially, keeping people from the Gospel, and were adamant about the work of healing belonging to the Holy Spirit. I learned very much from these people and I still hold them in very high esteem. I watched some of the most challenging cases find healing and peace through their interactions, and I cannot deny that what they said would happen... did. And that people were better off and at peace.
When I returned to the Church, it was a confusing time for me. No longer sure of the path God had put me on, I realized quickly that there was no room for me in the ministry of exorcism of the Church in a professional kind of way. In the Catholic Church, the only exorcists are Catholic priests. At the same time, I KNEW that I had prayed with people and that the demonic torments they were experiencing had left them. So I couldn't deny that. It was one of the hinge-issues that kept me from embracing a full return immediately. Fortunately, a wise priest once explained to me: "just because you CAN, doesn't always mean you SHOULD." Ahhhh.
I began to see that I had been very foolish as a protestant in deliverance ministry, and had only been protected from evil by God's ocean of mercy. I never really experienced the kind of mind boggling, bone-chilling (I SO know the root of that expression now!), horrifying and subtle evil-with-a-capital-E until I returned to the Church. That's when, it seemed, my pride was exposed for what it really was to me.... because whereas before I had been sure of myself and sure of God's ability to deliver, I had also been both telling God what to do and telling the person how they should respond. I had been completely unaware of these things as I did them-- I really thought I was doing what was best. But it was revealed to me very quickly that my former actions had been prideful, self-centered in many ways, and also narrow-minded. God's plan includes a far greater purpose than just "feeling good." It involves holiness, and sanctification. Nothing less than our pruning and perfecting.
I met people who were "doing all the right things" by Christian standards, and yet who simply could not "achieve" deliverance. At first I thought that these must be signs of the profound evil-ness of Catholicity, and I wondered if I had been deceived into returning. But then I began to notice that these suffering people were experiencing something I had never really seen from the scores of people who were delivered in the settings I was used to before and freed to walk away. These suffering people were holy. And holiness was something oft talked about in my circles before, but not often seen.
Within the Church, I was at first so amazed and frustrated to find that we always had to consult psychologists first to help people. It seemed so secular and unspiritual. I felt psychologists couldn't possibly help anyone in a really LASTING kind of way. And because of that, I felt that any child suffering from any type of disorder was really in need of nothing but a prayer and a good talking to.
But over time, although I vehemently disagree with many Bishops, including my own, in their stance on the ministry of exorcism (For you shocked Catholics--- I'm looking to Peter, always my eyes on Peter, and he has never let me down. ;) ) I have found that psychology is a useful tool to help pinpoint certain characteristics and concepts that lead us to root causes. In modern usage, a Bishop requests that a complete psychiatric evaluation be undertaken before the rite of exorcism is approved. Further, the Rite of Exorcism is ONLY approved if one of six super-natural signs (things like levitating or knowledge of something the person cannot have knowledge of) are present. This is "prudence." Now, most exorcists I have met live extremely lonely lives. They walk between two worlds, and no one wants what they have-- not even themselves.
They are also some of the holiest and most prayerful people I know. AND the most mentally taxed. I pray for them daily, and you should too.
I don't know a single exorcist who thinks that any harm would come to a person who WASN'T suffering from possession having been exorcised. The general consensus among them is that evil is present in the world and we must root it out and combat it, particularly when it hides. This whole cautionary craziness is all about fear... mostly fear of scandal, they assert.
At the same time, there is wisdom in the precautionary attitude.
While the Rite of Exorcism serves to literally command a demon to go from hidden to visible so that it can be dealt with accordingly, psychology serves to root out a sin so that it can be faced, or to root out a biological tendency that needs addressing which may be the result of evolutionary conditioning (years upon years of sinful behaviors that produce long term results).
And this gift is oft neglected, although I know that as a protestant I was SURE that I was incorporating it into my ministry.
As a totally random example-- there is now a disorder called exploding head syndrome. Scientists noticed that many people reported waking up suddenly with extremely heightened physiological awareness that they were in danger, having heard a door slam, for example, that they realized had never slammed when they woke up. They behave physically as if they are in life-threatening danger (heavy breathing, heart pounding, adrenaline pumping), but everything is calm and peaceful when they awake. Some people experience it once a lifetime. Others several times a night.
Scientists can now pinpoint the exact part of the brain that is activated when Exploding Head Syndrome occurs. They have named it, named the disorder, and done studies to correlate lifestyle choices and genetic situations which make it more common than for others. They have done studies and found medications which can limit the number of experiences or at least slow down the active parts of the brain that cause it.
But science STOPS there. It cannot tell you WHY a person experiences exploding head syndrome and it cannot tell you WHAT activated this pinpoint in the brain. It cannot explain the activity in the physical brain matter at the time, only say that it. is. there.
Now, in my personal life, I have met many people who complained of Exploding Head Syndrome and many other strange disorders besides. And though I am not a psychologist, with the help of my own mentors and teachers and by the grace of God I have been able to help them. And how? By doing the above:
(1) Unconditional love and acceptance, respect and human dignity (2) a good example.
Obviously, the only key that truly unlocked what they needed was prayer. Obviously it was through prayer that God moved and that they agreed to accept Him and that they were healed. But the real deliverance happens when a person accepts that there is a better way than sin!
At the same time, I'll tell you a secret--- in all those years in deliverance ministry and then in the Catholic Church helping people who were in need of exorcisms and priest exorcists and Bishops communicate, I have found that some people appear to be simply beyond deliverance. Neither doctors nor medicine, nor priests nor prayer, have been able to help them. For some people, the Exploding Head Syndrome doesn't stop. The nervous tics, the uncontrollable impulses, the compulsive behaviors, the voices.... they won't let up. In those people, some medicated, some not, I have found two reactions: either peace, or panic.
I know countless people who have been failed by both psychology and the Church. They lie, rotting in hospitals without help, and their screams are ignored. They are kept sedated and quieted by force. My heart aches for them, and I pray for them daily.
There are others, though, who have shown a different way is possible.
I know a woman who suffers tremendously from schizophrenia. Medicated or not, she cannot find quiet from the voices in her head. She has had exorcisms to no avail, she has had psychotherapy and even hospitalization. Nothing. When I met her, she was terrifying to me. Today, she still hears the voices and still suffers from schizophrenia.
She is also the proud, happy mother of three beautiful and well-adjusted children, wife to a kind and wonderful man, and generally a very happy and well-faring person. How? Because she knows JESUS.
She knows the power of God over her visions and voices and evil thoughts.. She has experienced his deliverance over the issues of her body and soul. At the same time, she accepts her cross--- His will for her life--- and she has spoken to Him about it extensively. Daily she gets up and receives strength and light to face her unusual journey. And daily He delivers, although she is not like you and me. Her insight and wisdom are attractive to all who meet her. And her peace is profound.
This is how I always want to look at disorder and mental illness. I want to remember that there are two choices for each of us: peace, or panic. And to walk the way of Peace, with the Prince of Peace.
And I want to remember that in my interactions with others, whether they be my own children or the children of others exhibiting strange and difficult disorders of the mind and body..... there are really only two things I can do besides pray:
I can love without limits.
I can lead to my Lord.
Amen.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Family integrated worship
The solution that I have found was not easy to implement, but once I began, I did not stop. Committed, I struggled through about six months of constant frustration on my end as I adjusted to having my kids WITH me and not being able to focus on worship the way I had been accustomed. In the beginning, it was a great struggle, because it required that I remain completely collected and calm, that I address every infraction but seem to be immersed and busy in worship, that I allowed no peep to come from their lips and that every blessed moment of my time in Divine Liturgy be simultaneously engaged in adoration of God and the deep trenches of motherhood where fear and panic and desperation often lurk.
Along the way, little things convinced me that that keeping them with me was the right thing to do. Even before my return to the Church, I felt guilty putting them in children's church. I knew they were playing and coloring pictures and not in worship. I knew they weren't seeing me and their father worship and thus not gleaning the importance of it from us. Even when they went to children's church or the nursery guilt free---- I started to notice that they got sick. EVERY TIME. And the cycle was exhausting. One day, my husband decided we were going to attend a church that simply didn't HAVE a childen's nursery. I had a moment of panic, but also recognized the value of what I was being asked to undertake. Motivated by Charlotte Mason's motto for her students, I breathed in deep and said under my breath: I can, I am, I ought, and I will.It was time.
Determined to stick it out until it was DONE and they were trained, I endeavored to do the only three things I knew to do:
1. Expect them to behave. I knew they were capable, because I had been to churches where I had met children who behaved. I had seen neat rows of families with mother on one end and father on the other end and children who listened and were reverent and wore matching clothes with brushed hair. I had stared at those families with awe and wonder and a hushed sense of the sacred Presence while my own beasts wriggled and squealed and hollered and bit pews and worked on stealing the pencils and tearing apart the hymnals. I knew it COULD be done and I determined to expect that my little monkeys were just as capable as any other children. I also sat right in the front, to ensure that they could see and be a part of what was happening. Sitting in the front also puts the pressure on. People can see us.
2. Ignore their attempts to lure me into conversation and attention-giving during liturgy. Every attempt they made to talk to me was met with a swift "Shhhhh" and a redirection towards the front. I used the same theory I use at night with my babies: Don't turn on the light, don't make eye contact, no noise. Even trips to the bathroom were swift, unconversational, and non-interactive. Mass is only one hour long. It seemed to me that anyone-- even a toddler or a pregnant mother-- could forego water or snacks during that hour. No food. No drinks. No books. No toys. No games. Just Liturgy. That was the plan.
3. Address bad habits immediately. I didn't want my kids to drop things and make noise, and I knew that if they had things to hold... they inevitably WOULD because that's what kids do. So I didn't give them coloring books or snacks or toys. I didn't give them books or children's missals because I knew they would read them instead of paying attention. I explained my expectation, and I trained them in it at home whenever I had the opportunity to (for example, when we pray the liturgy of the hours together in the morning and at night.) If I saw that a child was particularly unruly I was not beyond taking them out, but when I took them out I made the experience as horrid and bland as possible. If perchance I was forced to take out an unruly one year old (that's the hardest age because they are still so young but also so loud) we would just stare at a wall for a few moments til they realized liturgy was more interesting. I didn't let them get down and run around, play, or run in the narthex. As soon as they were reasonably quiet again, we would return to our seat.
Our reasoning for the solution I determined to use is that we are a Charlotte Mason education family. CM believed wholeheartedly that kids could rise to the occasion when we expected more of them and treated them with respect. She was pro-parental authority (the parent sets the standard) but also pro-respect of the child as a person with rights and the capacity to do well.
She never manipulated, used love or fear, etc to motivate the child, but rather believed that parents should model good behavior themselves and train in good habits from the beginning-- and not allow bad habits to ever take place in the first place.
In other words, if we don't eat or draw in church, there is no reason a kid should, so from the beginning we expect and train the child to pay attention without using fear or love or bribes or manipulation as a tactic. They catch on very quickly---- and although I still have to take my one year old to the back from time to time, even she understands to lower her voice and sit still during the one hour we are at mass, and I am quite certain that if I never let her get in the habit of doing anything else it will stay that way.
Also, habits come by practice. Because we pray the liturgy of the hours as a family and they are also required to sit still and be attentive at that time, it isn't a foreign situation when we go to mass.
In the beginning, it worked pretty well, but there were still struggles, particularly when I was alone with the kids (my husband is often gone).
One day, my husband said to me, rather harshly, that though I was doing a good job, I was still enabling any bad behavior that came from them because I paid so much attention to it.
Calm redirection, he told me, was ALWAYS better than any reaction I was having.
Watching him with my children from the back while I rock a sleepy, loud, baby has sometimes been funny. I have seen the kids get to all sorts of shennanigans behind his back as he worships, but ultimately, they have been quiet, which is the main goal, and undistracting to all but ME, which is the other goal.
The hardest moment in my mothering came when I felt that I had finally arrived-- as per the above-- and that I could now rest in the peace of knowing that I had done a good job. In the car on the way home from mass one day I casually mentioned it to my husband and mentioned in a joking matter how glad I was for my quiet times of prayer at home when I could really HEAR God.
To my shock and surprise, he chastised me heavily for not paying attention during mass.
At first, I felt this was completely unfair--- I was supposed to keep everybody under control, excel at that AND find a way to listen??? But then I realized that he was more than able to do so.
I determined from that day to do even better, and though I haven't "arrived" yet I can say that I am now both able to keep our kids quiet and attentive AND am able to narrate the homily and say that I was able to pray during liturgy. It truly is a glorious level of peace we reach when we get to this stage in our motherhood.
I have strong feelings that this is a skill that REALLY helps children to grow both in confidence in themselves and in their relationship with Jesus. I also have strong feelings that it's an important skill to teach them because I am a firefighter's wife, and my kids have had to represent him by behaving well both at funerals and award ceremonies where misbehaving children are seen with much less empathy than the kids that act up during mass where people at least are thinking: "I'm glad they are there." Because we have insisted that they can, will, and ought to behave and pay attention during mass, they can represent their father in public events like that and truly give honor to the person being honored (in the case of Mass-- to Jesus!) and that makes my heart so happy.
I am praying for all of you who have not yet found the "perfect" solution to get them to pay attention, as it is such a valuable life skill. God reward all of you for your faithfulness to keep trying although it is -- as I well know--- a very, very difficult task.
Please do not think I am sitting here with my feet up and all the answers--- I too struggle when my younger children have decided to misbehave on any given day. But I do have peace, because I know what to do, and my intention in writing this is not to say that I am better than you or that my kids are better than your kids, but rather to share that peace and the means by which it came. As far as I'm concerned, all is grace. These ideas came from the example of holy mothers who have gone before and are the fruit of hours spent in tears in the bathroom holding an unruly child.
Incidentally, my mother in law still pulls out her organizer and writes notes in church and passes them around to people in the pews. She is in her sixties.
Train up a child in the way that he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6
Sunday, July 7, 2013
CM Principles 3 & 4
Today's principles are a hot topic and a favorite parenting device of mine.
I am firmly convinced that principles 3 and 4 cannot really be separated in that though we can focus on one, we always need to keep it in the context of the other, so I determined to put them both together in my own study of the 20 Principles.
This question has been heavy on my mind much lately as I re-evaluate my parenting techniques and styles which have evolved tremendously since the days of having just one little one.
Growing up in parenthood in Christian circles, we all passed around the same books. You know the ones-- the ones that you mention on a facebook status and lose friends over. The ones that have upwards of 5 000 negative reviews on amazon from grumpy hippies with hilarious screen names like gentlemama or heartsong. The ones I recently read that some of my friends who are into attachment parenting actually go to the bookstore and move around so that no one else will chance upon them and read them. o.O
The fundamental issue at stake in the hatred of those well-intentioned books is a philosophy of parenting revolving around teaching the child to become others-centered rather than the entire family being subject to the child's whims.
And there is one majorly "controversial element" involved-- the act of SPANKING, a topic which my husband has forever banned me from discussing on my blog or in other social media because the very fact that I approve of the use of spanking and was willing to say so on my blog once got CPS sent to our door (what a world.) So, by the way, did Charlotte Mason.
So instead of talking about the logistics of spanking, we'll let the bad guys win here and talk about the reason those kinds of books elicit that kind of response... because very rarely do we hear from anyone that discipline and training and guidance are CRITICAL to the education of a Child. Modern blogs, articles, classes and educators focus extensively on the need for kindness, empathy, affection, "attachment" etc... But rarely training. And that is where they go wrong.
In my experience, those things go without saying to those of us who feel motherhood is the highest calling, and to those of who regularly try to live our lives anchored on a rock who is Love-Come-Down-to-be-with-Us. Therefore books written by and for Christians of the sort I described above don't actually spend much time on these topics-- instead focusing on the methodology of training and correction.
When people who DON'T have the mindset of truly embracing motherhood and our families pick these books up, they find them jarring and horrific. They see only harsh words and "mean" ideas. In a word... they see abuse. Thus, especially in American circles where we wander through the land of Either/Or, the Mommy Wars continue.
And I have been guilty! Oh how I have been guilty. Only recently has God really granted me the grace to see that in many ways I was perpetuating the problem instead of focusing on the obvious through common ground, through focus on what's right and true and beautiful.
So it was refreshing for me to note that here in these pages, CM develops for us a vision of parenthood which is very balanced and addresses both sides.
AND
One hallmark of a Charlotte Mason education is that we neither manipulate, threaten, coerce, or otherwise force children into compliance. Instead, we expect and we model. We train in habits.... and we watch them rise to the occasion.
This type of parenting is not for the faint of heart, because it requires that we live what we preach, and that we accept our own limitation and work on them. It requires that we find a source of patience and strength outside of ourselves. And it also requires that we remember our calling: our vocation to education.
As outspoken as I am against attachment parenting as a cultural norm, I stumbled across this blog last night and found myself nodding in agreement with all of her points... these are the things which people need to hear and reflect on. The author, like most Attachment fans, focuses entirely too much on feelings, a subject which I won't touch on here. Suffice to say that our feelings should not rule our world.
That being said.... her points are so relevant to the ideas we are discussing here, and some are things which I've had to learn by experience and which I wish were included more often in my "so now you're a mom" type tutorials.
Once you've all recovered from the fact that I just posted a link to a super pro-attachment parenting blog, you can laugh with me and enjoy the CM-centered peace that comes from leaving the so-called mommy wars behind. They are over. They are useless.
Mothering is always right so long as we are doing the best we can AND at the same time acknowledging that we are not doing the best we can. Period.
CM is really good at giving a general vision or a sense of how things should be. And when it comes to curriculum or methodology in education, she can be very specific. But in this case, she does not provide all that much in the way of practical examples.
So what are we to do?
Hint: when she repeats herself over and over.... it's gonna be on the test. ;)
1. Get your self in order. (In Vol I, p 15 she mentions allowing the child to see that you also are law-compelled and that we can offend children by disregarding laws of health, intellect, morality, and need for love.)
2. Train in good habits and never let a bad habit slip past. When you have, retrain with great attention and patience, redirecting as often as needed.
3. Allow law to ensure liberty. Once the child demonstrates a reasonable amount of proper response and effort, allow him the freedom to enjoy his liberty.
4. Do not make many rules, and do not give a command you don't intend to see through to the end. This prevents us from being overbearing but also from being wishy-washy pushovers. (Dr Ray Guerendi said something to the effect of leaving a child alone to do as he will unless he is infringing upon the rights of others and/or likely to hurt himself. These are good guidelines.)
5. Punishment by consequences, particularly natural ones, is very effective.
6. Be good-natured, and have confidence in the children's ability to respond to this training. Don't be anxious, domineering, interfering, or demanding.
7. Keep at it patiently until you see SELF-discipline in your child. Self-discipline is the only kind of discipline that works.
With those in mind, I believe you are equipped to follow principles 3 and 4.
3. The principles of authority on the one hand, and of obedience on the other, are natural, necessary and fundamental; but--
4. These principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.
I am firmly convinced that principles 3 and 4 cannot really be separated in that though we can focus on one, we always need to keep it in the context of the other, so I determined to put them both together in my own study of the 20 Principles.
This question has been heavy on my mind much lately as I re-evaluate my parenting techniques and styles which have evolved tremendously since the days of having just one little one.
Growing up in parenthood in Christian circles, we all passed around the same books. You know the ones-- the ones that you mention on a facebook status and lose friends over. The ones that have upwards of 5 000 negative reviews on amazon from grumpy hippies with hilarious screen names like gentlemama or heartsong. The ones I recently read that some of my friends who are into attachment parenting actually go to the bookstore and move around so that no one else will chance upon them and read them. o.O
The fundamental issue at stake in the hatred of those well-intentioned books is a philosophy of parenting revolving around teaching the child to become others-centered rather than the entire family being subject to the child's whims.
And there is one majorly "controversial element" involved-- the act of SPANKING, a topic which my husband has forever banned me from discussing on my blog or in other social media because the very fact that I approve of the use of spanking and was willing to say so on my blog once got CPS sent to our door (what a world.) So, by the way, did Charlotte Mason.
So instead of talking about the logistics of spanking, we'll let the bad guys win here and talk about the reason those kinds of books elicit that kind of response... because very rarely do we hear from anyone that discipline and training and guidance are CRITICAL to the education of a Child. Modern blogs, articles, classes and educators focus extensively on the need for kindness, empathy, affection, "attachment" etc... But rarely training. And that is where they go wrong.
In my experience, those things go without saying to those of us who feel motherhood is the highest calling, and to those of who regularly try to live our lives anchored on a rock who is Love-Come-Down-to-be-with-Us. Therefore books written by and for Christians of the sort I described above don't actually spend much time on these topics-- instead focusing on the methodology of training and correction.
When people who DON'T have the mindset of truly embracing motherhood and our families pick these books up, they find them jarring and horrific. They see only harsh words and "mean" ideas. In a word... they see abuse. Thus, especially in American circles where we wander through the land of Either/Or, the Mommy Wars continue.
And I have been guilty! Oh how I have been guilty. Only recently has God really granted me the grace to see that in many ways I was perpetuating the problem instead of focusing on the obvious through common ground, through focus on what's right and true and beautiful.
So it was refreshing for me to note that here in these pages, CM develops for us a vision of parenthood which is very balanced and addresses both sides.
3. The principles of authority on the one hand, and of obedience on the other, are natural, necessary and fundamental; but--(in other words, it should go without saying that children are to learn obedience, that they are subordinate to the parents in their parental authority, etc.)
AND
4. These principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.(in other words, it should go without saying that children are persons and should be treated with human dignity.)
One hallmark of a Charlotte Mason education is that we neither manipulate, threaten, coerce, or otherwise force children into compliance. Instead, we expect and we model. We train in habits.... and we watch them rise to the occasion.
This type of parenting is not for the faint of heart, because it requires that we live what we preach, and that we accept our own limitation and work on them. It requires that we find a source of patience and strength outside of ourselves. And it also requires that we remember our calling: our vocation to education.
As outspoken as I am against attachment parenting as a cultural norm, I stumbled across this blog last night and found myself nodding in agreement with all of her points... these are the things which people need to hear and reflect on. The author, like most Attachment fans, focuses entirely too much on feelings, a subject which I won't touch on here. Suffice to say that our feelings should not rule our world.
That being said.... her points are so relevant to the ideas we are discussing here, and some are things which I've had to learn by experience and which I wish were included more often in my "so now you're a mom" type tutorials.
Once you've all recovered from the fact that I just posted a link to a super pro-attachment parenting blog, you can laugh with me and enjoy the CM-centered peace that comes from leaving the so-called mommy wars behind. They are over. They are useless.
Mothering is always right so long as we are doing the best we can AND at the same time acknowledging that we are not doing the best we can. Period.
CM is really good at giving a general vision or a sense of how things should be. And when it comes to curriculum or methodology in education, she can be very specific. But in this case, she does not provide all that much in the way of practical examples.
So what are we to do?
Hint: when she repeats herself over and over.... it's gonna be on the test. ;)
1. Get your self in order. (In Vol I, p 15 she mentions allowing the child to see that you also are law-compelled and that we can offend children by disregarding laws of health, intellect, morality, and need for love.)
2. Train in good habits and never let a bad habit slip past. When you have, retrain with great attention and patience, redirecting as often as needed.
3. Allow law to ensure liberty. Once the child demonstrates a reasonable amount of proper response and effort, allow him the freedom to enjoy his liberty.
4. Do not make many rules, and do not give a command you don't intend to see through to the end. This prevents us from being overbearing but also from being wishy-washy pushovers. (Dr Ray Guerendi said something to the effect of leaving a child alone to do as he will unless he is infringing upon the rights of others and/or likely to hurt himself. These are good guidelines.)
5. Punishment by consequences, particularly natural ones, is very effective.
6. Be good-natured, and have confidence in the children's ability to respond to this training. Don't be anxious, domineering, interfering, or demanding.
7. Keep at it patiently until you see SELF-discipline in your child. Self-discipline is the only kind of discipline that works.
With those in mind, I believe you are equipped to follow principles 3 and 4.
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