I have a friend who likes to watch the A&E show Paranormal State but who doesn't have a lot of experience in the Paranormal field. She asked me to elaborate today on what I think about this show in particular, but I'm going to veer into other paranormal shows and even into the paranormal world with this blog.
First, let me start by saying that the Christian worldview totally provides for the existence of paranormal phenomena. Gods who become men, the dead rising, signs and wonders, angels and demons--- it doesn't get more "paranormal" than that. Which is how I got involved in this field in the first place: I had a radical, life changing encounter with the Risen Christ, and through it I've been given the gift of "seeing" a spiritual reality outside the natural world. The Catechism of the Catholic Church tells us this:
"The whole of man's history has been the story of dour combat with the powers of evil, stretching, so our Lord tells us, from the dawn of history until the last day. This dramatic situation of the whole world, which is in the power of the evil one, makes man's life a battle."
--Catechism of the Catholic Church: 409
Thus, we know and are made aware of the fact that when it all comes down to it, this life is a battle between good and evil. The Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI, in a 2005 letter to the clergy, praised Pope John Paul II's ability to make real to all the notion that evil was not only around us, but organized, into a system. Scripture itself tells us over and over again: Satan has plans, and because they will be foiled, he is doing what he can to enjoy the time he has been given.
Matthew 8:29 And they cried out, saying, "What business do we have with each other, Son of God? Have You come here to torment us before the time?"
Some people, myself included, are painfully aware of the battle raging over each of our heads-- over our buildings, our pieces of land, our homes, our schools, our nations, our children, our co-humans. I say "painfully" aware because this awareness causes two things:
First, supernatural faith.
Because God has equipped us to SEE the evil and the good, He has graced us with the necessary "training" to know what to do about it. This results in radical faith that is often painful because we face humiliation, scoffing, even accusations of poor mental health. :) We struggle to live as soldiers in the battle, but everyone around us acts like we're at a party with nothing to worry about. Those of us who have seen the face of evil know that evil never rests. And like the soldier who keeps watch in the night because he knows that a terrorist is seeking ANY opportunity to catch him unawares, we keep watch.
The second is supernatural intervention. For Charismatics and Mystics, visions, prophetic words, signs, wonders, and other spiritual manifestations of the reality of God and the devil are a relatively common experience. We joke around here that I see God in my microwave-- that the reality of what I BELIEVE is so strong that I cannot differentiate between "real life" and "life in Christ." I can never "lay aside" my belief in God, because it is all too real.
In other words, some persons walking around on this planet are walking examples of the actual reality of the spiritual realm, whether they are willing participants or not.
The paranormal world includes everything from the glory of a Eucharistic Miracles or an Apparition of the Blessed Virgin to the darker side of demonic infestation and possession. And unfortunately, it is the darker side which has forever fascinated people (Imagine that!)
Most paranormal "experts" (the majority of whom are not Christians but spiritualists, and whose ranks are joined by many deceived persons who believe themselves to BE Christians) are of the same opinion about what we call "Ghosts."
They classify hauntings into two categories: Residual (non-interactive) and Interactive, and sub-categorize into human and inhuman haunts. They recognize, even the non-Christians, that some entities are simply so negative that they can only be an in-human spirit. They believe that the spirits that are earthbound are "not at rest" for varying reasons, mostly involving either not KNOWING they are dead, not WANTING to be dead, or being attached or connected to an object or person. There are any number of common factors---- including ritual, burial grounds, or other types of activities or situations which "connect" the spirit beings to the body-bound beings and anchor them.
The two major TV shows which follow these theories from different angles and form the opinions of millions of TV Viewers, molding them into what I call "Armchair experts" seek to popularize the study of the paranormal, which is a mysterious and fascinating field. Thus, across america, as people allow TV to educate them rather than the Word of God, which stands forever, we experience more and more paranormal activity---- we seek it out and put it into motion by our actions.
The reason for this is that there IS, in fact, a paranormal reality. But what we are being spoonfed in pop culture books and TV is NOT the "truth" about the paranormal, and any paranormal education that doesn't begin, stay, and finish firmly rooted in the Bible and Church tradition will be completely and totally false. When it comes to the paranormal-- false can be very dangerous.
And that's where people like me come in. For several years now, I've been meeting with people on an individual and sometimes group basis, helping them deal with a paranormal situation which they feel has gotten out of hand. And time and time again, they got there using perfectly normal and acceptable "techniques," totally unaware that they were actually aggravating a demonic situation rather than turning to God for deliverance. It is my job to "educate" people, particularly Christians, about the paranormal. I do it because if no one would have taught me these things, I would be in hell right now-- and I would have gotten myself there.
Ghost Hunters, which follows the adventures of the Atlantic Paranormal Society, is on the Sci Fi Channel. Ghost Hunters is by far the more popular choice, and is a show which I highly recommend for those interested in the paranormal. Although I do not agree with the VIEWS of the TAPS team, I find that they operate like most of the paranormal teams I have come to respect and appreciate. They take a scientific approach, they remain level headed and go to any lengths to debunk, and they document, investigate, and analyze the evidence thoroughly and consistently. In fact, their level of excellence in paranormal investigation has raised the bar completely here in the United States, and I am encouraged to see them doing a good job of helping others to SEE (and verify) that there is "something" going on that we often can sense, but not see.
My husband and I make GH our date night. There is nothing more enjoyable for us than to follow along on the investigations of some of the places I've dreamed of going, and then at the end to shout at the screen when we think they are doing something that will aggravate the haunting or mislead the client.
Taken with this notion in mind: That TAPS are not Christians and do NOT have a Christian worldview of the paranormal, and watching it only from the viewpoint of "proving" the existence of a paranormal reality, we highly recommend this show. I've had the opportunity to work IRL with members of the TAPS family and have always found them to be professional, thorough, and well trained.
Then there is Paranormal State. The Penn State Paranormal Research Society is a HUGE hit, particularly with the teenage crowd, who love and relate to the crew and don't know much about the paranormal. The members of PRS are far more approachable and far less jaded-- they are still gaining the years and years of experience that the TAPS team has built. Like Jason and Grant from TAPS, Ryan Buell started the society when he reached a point in his life when he was totally preoccupied with trying to UNDERSTAND some of the paranormal events he had experienced that had terrified him. PRS takes a more "touchy feely" approach, frequently forsaking hard scientific evidence for mediumship, seance-type settings, and even even occult practices. Although Ryan and the team have been used as consultants on everything from police cases to Church determinations of the need for exorcisms, they are missing three key elements of a career in the paranormal: Caution, Humility and Experience.
Although many of the PRS members are actually Catholic, they frequently employ methods condemned by the Church to communicate with, "feel out" and even banish the entities they come into contact with. I know a person who's name I cannot repeat here who works with the International Assocation of Catholic Exorcists, an organization approved in Rome. He was once called for assistance in a PRS case and had a very bad experience, being made painfully aware of the inexperienced mistakes that the PRS team made over and over again.
Although some of the cases PRS takes on are legitimate, others are the result of very inconclusive research. Ryan employs psychics and mediums whose gifts are questionable-- not in the sense that they don't have a gift, they obviously do, but in the sense that the SOURCE of those gifts (Godly or demonic) is questionable.
Chip Coffey, the psychic he uses most frequently, is an amazing and interesting fellow. I get the sense that he genuinely loves God and that his gift is from God, but I also see how he has been tempted to use it in ways that are not approvable (for instance, he makes a living doing psychic readings, charging hundreds of dollars for helping people communicate with their dead. This is a condemned practice, scripturally.) It is my personal opinion that although I do believe that the Lord gave him a very specific, very beautiful gift-- to be able to help others learn to pray for those souls who need prayer and to be able to discern a demonic entity's presence, he has, in a sense, opened himself up TOO much, and allowed Satan to overtake this gift and use it for something other than the glory of God.
Other psychics he has used have been of VERY questionable moral fiber.
The Church approves the use of sensitives to assist in demonic cases. Sensitives are people who, like me, are able to "tune into" the surrounding spiritual reality and detect information about what God or Satan are doing in a situation. More specifically, sensitives are keenly aware of a presence that is "not right" and specific information about that presence.
The line between a psychic and a sensitive is very thin, but very solid. A "psychic" will often foretell future information. While a charismatic is able to prophecy by the Spirit of God, a demonic Spirit is also able to provide information about future events, and so using this gift to foretell future events for personal use is condemned. A psychic recieves personal information about a person. Again, both God AND Satan are able to do this, so it requires caution to accept the information given. A psychic frequently uses his/ her gifts to make a living, charging large amounts of money to foretell the future, to connect people with the spirits of their dead loved ones, and to tell thrill seeking people intimate information about themselves. A sensitive, while "aware" of his/her gifts, is not inclined to use them for personal use, but rather for the aid of others. A sensitive will not charge and will not step outside the boundaries of what would be considered a condemned "occult" practice.
In other words, a sensitive has a legitimate psychic gift, given by the Spirit of God, to read souls or situations,for the purpose of advancing the kingdom, whereas what is commonly called a psychic has a gift which either comes from an demonstrably demonic source, or which comes from God but has been exploited by Satan and fleshly temptations to frequently employ for a non kingdom-advancing purpose.
MANY persons who exhibited strong psychic tendencies, once they have been exorcised, no longer exhibit any psychic tendencies whatsoever. the question then, to ask yourself, is "How attached to this gift am I?" A solid Christian response is to love the giver, and not the gift.
Ryann also employs a self-proclaimed Wiccan as an "occult specialist." In older episodes, he often allowed her to attempt to banish an entity at the request of the client by using occult methodology. In religious demonology, we know well that this results in furthering and increasing the demonic activity in the area--- while it may appear to stop for a while, it will return with a vengeance. Thus, I (and the Church) WHOLLY disagree with the employment of ANY occult techniques for any reason. Furthermore, there have been cases where Ryan chose to specifically keep from a Christian client the fact that he was allowing a Wiccan Witch to assist them, a fact that would infuriate me, had I been the client at the time.
Lastly, there is the famous case of Shannon Sylvia. Shannon, who at one point worked for TAPS, was seen as a client on Paranormal State, which immediately raises some questions. Why would a paranormal investigator who appears on TV call another paranormal investigator who appears on TV for help? In Ryan's Blog, he addresses the issue by saying that this particular instance was when Shannon Sylvia decided to make her way into TAPS and become a paranormal investigator herself. TAPS has never correlated the story, and Shannon no longer works for TAPS, although she frequently does podcasts about her involvement with TAPS in the paranormal and now works with her own group, NEP. So, hmmm.
Personally, I believe that Ryan has the right idea, but lacks the experience and spiritual maturity to fully grasp what is going on around him. Those demonic haunts that he has dealt with and recognized have been compelling visual examples of the types of things I've seen IRL and are, I believe, not scripted. A perfect example is the episode "I am Six," which made waves around the Christian paranormal world because it dealt with the possession and torment of a young woman in a very percievable, realistic way. That being said, Ryan frequently choses an episcopalian priest over a Catholic priest for an exorcism because he is not able to provide the signs of possession required by the Catholic Church for a Bishop to allow the Rite of Exorcism. Ryan is also, because of his inexperience, under persistant and constant spiritual attack. He recognizes it as such but feel powerless to battle it, and this is because he has not been spiritually equipped for the warfare he is stepping into, all the while convincing himself he is "Armored up."
He borders on the superstitious at all times with his involvement withe demonic entities, and, quite frankly, is not as cautious as he needs to be with what he considers to be a "mundane" haunting and which, in my experience, is a demonic haunt in disguise.
From Wikipedia:
As of January 3, 2008, Ryan Buell claims the demonic entity is no longer following him, but Chip Coffey is. In a Q&A section of the Penn State Paranormal Research Society's forums, he responded to a question on the topic by stating, "I haven't been troubled by any bunnies [the PRS calls demons "bunnies"] as of late. There came a point in my life where I let go of some of that baggage. When it comes to that whole side, there's a back story that involves my group dealing with a case three years ago. I kind of reached a resolution with that. Coincidentally, the bunny tried to make another cameo appearance when we were filming the final investigation of the season, but we just told it to go to you-know-where. I hope it makes the cut!"[21]
The demon following was later revealed to be Belial.
This isn't Constantine. Real world Demons are far craftier than that,unrelenting, and anyone who knows and has had experience with them knows how well they know us and how easily we are duped and just how real the dangers are.
The last show I will discuss is on The Discovery Channel and is called "A Haunting." It is the least popular and yet the most thorough. It covers true ghost stories from across the United States, providing somewhat cheesy but definitely creepy re-enactments. I LOVE "A Haunting" because it doesn't fill itself with theories and ideas about the paranormal, it simply presents the facts as they exist in the story and allows the viewer to come to his / her own conclusions.
A perfect example is The story of the Sallie House, one of my favorite demonic haunts.
In this episode, the re-enactment is the story of the young couple who first moved into the Sallie house and discovered that there was ghost living there, allegedly a young girl named Sally. The couple make peace with the idea of living with a ghost and do what they can to welcome this sweet little child's spirit, and soon realize they are actually dealing with a very deceptive demonic haunt, flee, and leave the home abandoned. To this day, the Sallie House is one of the most interesting "haunted houses" across America, riddled with demonic activity, and the kind of place that makes a great and classic example for the ACTUAL Christian worldview of the paranormal, which is that "spirits" which DO, in fact, exist (and we are so easily fooled because we want to believe) are 90% demonic entities seeking an entry way into human life/existence for the purpose of torment and 10% souls in purgatory in need of prayer. But OH, how easily we are fooled.
Those actual, human souls which God allows us to see (such as the man who asked St Padre Pio for prayer for release from purgatory) are usually shown to us with an express message to PRAY. When we do not get this message, but are simply being drawn to communicate with this allegedly dead human person, it is crucial to remember that no matter how compelling the evidence may be that we are, in fact, dealing with a HUMAN soul, demons are as tricky as can be and have been around a very long time-- long enough to know how to imitate voices, access personal information, and fool us into thinking that they are perfectly harmless disembodied people.
You can go to the Sallie House's website here: http://www.thesalliehouse.com/ and get more information about this fascinating paranormal case.
As for me, I recommend that if you have an interest in the paranormal (and many of us do) you seek out a REAL education by studying scripture, the teachings of the Church, and the stories of the Saints who have gone before you. Grounded in that, you will never doubt, nor be deceived, nor succumb to the lies of the Enemy, who seeks to destroy your soul.
If these shows are causing you to seek out, participate in, or otherwise partner with evil, I would say it's time to turn off the TV and pick up your bible. If these shows are helping you to come to terms with the REALITY of evil that exists, then by all means, watch away. But don't let a Paranormal research Society composed of college students, Wiccans, Reiki Masters, etc be your authority. let God be your authority. Always.
And if nothing else, let these shows remind you to pray for the souls of the faithful departed:
Requiem aeternam dona ei, Domine, et lux perpetua luceat ei. Requiescat in pace. Amen
(Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.)
"Perhaps this is one of the secrets of life-- to know 'Glory' when we see it..." --Charlotte M. Mason
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Green stuff
I went into the kids' room late at night and found Annika happily and contentedly chewing with a big, wide open mouth.
What are you eating?? Why are you awake? Where did you get food? I asked.
She didn't answer, but just kept gleefily smacking her lips as she chewed.
"Annika, what's in your mouth??"
"A booger!"
HAH! I cannot describe the look that probably crossed my face. One of the grossest, and funniest, things she's ever done.
What are you eating?? Why are you awake? Where did you get food? I asked.
She didn't answer, but just kept gleefily smacking her lips as she chewed.
"Annika, what's in your mouth??"
"A booger!"
HAH! I cannot describe the look that probably crossed my face. One of the grossest, and funniest, things she's ever done.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Daddy's bottom
Annika: "Daddy doesn't wear diapers, mommy."
Me: "No, he doesn't."
Annika: "Mommy, it's because his butt is too big for them."
Me: "No, he doesn't."
Annika: "Mommy, it's because his butt is too big for them."
Hidden
A man named Rob from the R&P wrote a really interesting thread in which he described his experience of watching the Disney movie "Hunchback of Notre Dame." As a protestant, he was basically horrified when he watched the film with "adult" eyes, noticing that there was a good deal of attention paid to Mary throughout the film. He was disturbed in particular by a statue of Mary wearing a crown and holding a sword, presenting the infant Jesus to the people. We demonstrated the biblical nature of the scene the statue depicted (Rev 12:1 and 11:15-19) but also reminded him that he was bothered by the presentation of Christ as an infant because for Him, it was MORE important that Christ be depicted as powerful, glorious... GOD, not powerful, glorious God hidden in the Christ child.
This set me thinking twice as hard about today's reading in Divine Intimacy, my book of Carmelite spiritual direction. You can read today's reading at this link. (http://www.catholic-pages.com/prayers/116.asp) The reading today was titled "To be hidden with Christ in God," and centered around the idea of hiding ourselves away from what the world would call "glory" to find ourselves, little, nothing, empty, and IN the heart of God.
A friend of mine had read the meditation and was completely opposed to everything she had read. She disagreed so strongly with it that she was surprised that I liked it, and wanted me to read it through and discuss it with her. So, here are some of my thoughts on the hiddenness of God.
The reason the statues of Mary holding the infant Jesus bother people like Rob is because He cannot visually SEE the glory of God in the statue. He feels it somehow belittles God, or makes of God less than He is. But for me, that statue is more humbling than any depiction that portrays God as powerful, earth-shattering, glorious and overwhelming. Why?
Part of it is because I KNOW who God is. When I look at that infant Jesus, I am totally humbled by His own humility. By His hiddenness. As a Catholic, I think I have a healthier sense of God's actual humility now than I did as a protestant. While I was always being taught about the glory and majesty of God, I very rarely was presented with food for thought on the hiddenness and UTTER humiliation of God.
In fact, for Catholics, it's much easier to appreciate God's hiddenness because we have the Eucharist. What greater sign of God's incredible love for us than His willingness to submit to coming to us in a piece of bread and a cup of wine? When we sit at adoration (when we gaze upon the Lord in the Eucharist in what we call a "monstrance" --- a large, metal object created to display the Eucharist--- I know I am thinking of His incredible humility and His willingness to be WITH us at all costs. I've said before that Catholics seem to understand the incarnation better because of the Eucharist, but more than that, I think the Eucharist is such a sign to us to remind us of the need for unity in Him and not in the "things of this World." If God can come to me as a little baby, as a piece of bread, then how do I know I will not encounter Him in everything I see and touch and taste? St Therese called the Lord in the Eucharist the "Prisoner of Love."
More importantly, this humiliation that he endures in no way REMOVES His glory-- it only amplifies it. The meditation in Divine Intimacy talks of this:
The practice of the hidden life has, therefore, two aspects: the first, negative and mostly exterior, consists in hiding ourselves from the eyes of others and even from our own and in dying to glory and worldly honours. The second, which is positive and entirely interior, consists in concentrating on God in a life of intimate relations with Him. The first aspect is the condition and measure of the second: the more a soul is able to hide from creatures, and even from itself, the more capable it will be of living "with Christ in God", according to the beautiful expression of St Paul: "You are dead: and your life is hidden with Christ in God" (Col 3,3).
You see, the point of this life is not, as I thought when I was a protestant, to simply get into heaven. Nor is it to only serve God. What God wants from us, what He created us for, is UNION with Him-- a blessed marriage feast in which we delight in each other and share in the love relationship of the Blessed Trinity. (those who have read the book THE SHACK saw a beautiful depiction of this relationship that should help you in seeing the "big picture" God has prepared.)
The purpose of the Carmelite walk has always been to achieve that perfect Union with Him, and the author of the Divine Intimacy, Fr Gabriel of Mary Magdalen, OCD, was an eagerly sought after spiritual director. He knew that before we could have lofty dreams of Glory in the Lord, we must have dreams of being virtually erased from sight and even from our own affections, so that in that disappearance we would be freed to enjoy God completely and to make His will our own. We will truly have mortified the flesh. Thus, when he (by the countless other Carmelite saints who offer the same advice) suggests serving in silence, quietly giving to those who don't deserve it, disappearing into the sea of faces, becoming invisible and unknown.... Thus the soul
(...) no longer wastes its energy looking for esteem or human satisfactions; from this point of view creatures have become as nothing to it. It can say that "created things, its own as well as others', no longer give it the least worry or trouble; it is just as if they did not exist" (T.M Sp). Thus the soul arrives at that sovereign liberty of spirit which permits it to concentrate itself wholly upon God. Exteriorly its conduct shows nothing extraordinary, or rather, the very care it takes to hide from the eyes of others makes it very often go unnoticed, and most people consider it a soul of little worth. But in its secret heart a very rich interior life, known only to God, is developing.
THIS is the example of Christ. This is what Christ did. He was God, but He lived as a man. He obeyed his earthly parents. He allowed himself to be tortured and killed. He was utterly humiliated, and yet during the course of this life, He was living out an amazing love story with his People and with the other members of the Holy Trinity.
Carmelites have had this wisdom since the beginning, it is as ingrained in Carmelite Spirituality as the Scapular which represents this contemplative life. And it is no wonder, then, that the Blessed Virgin Mary, the one who gave us both Carmelite spirituality AND the Carmelite Order, is the one who is so bothering our dear friend Rob in this R&P thread. She presents Christ to us in the way that she knows will perfect us and bring us to the fastest holiness.
This hidden quality of God which He asks us to imitate is a far cry from the TBN preachers and megachurch-with-superstar-senior-pastor syndromes of today. This hidden quality is what St John of the Cross was telling me two days ago when I was seeking direction for a few things that were going on in my life. The irony is that this hidden quality is about as contrary to my human nature as it gets-- I admit that I love recognition and one of the hardest things for me is to feel like I'm not "successful" in the eyes of the world. And yet:
Exteriorly its conduct shows nothing extraordinary, or rather, the very care it takes to hide from the eyes of others makes it very often go unnoticed, and most people consider it a soul of little worth.
Hopefully, this is why God has called me to Carmel. And as for Rob and his frustration, I am thankful-- so thankful-- that God has shown me why there is something absolutely breathtaking about a statue that depicts my Jesus as a child.
This set me thinking twice as hard about today's reading in Divine Intimacy, my book of Carmelite spiritual direction. You can read today's reading at this link. (http://www.catholic-pages.com/prayers/116.asp) The reading today was titled "To be hidden with Christ in God," and centered around the idea of hiding ourselves away from what the world would call "glory" to find ourselves, little, nothing, empty, and IN the heart of God.
A friend of mine had read the meditation and was completely opposed to everything she had read. She disagreed so strongly with it that she was surprised that I liked it, and wanted me to read it through and discuss it with her. So, here are some of my thoughts on the hiddenness of God.
The reason the statues of Mary holding the infant Jesus bother people like Rob is because He cannot visually SEE the glory of God in the statue. He feels it somehow belittles God, or makes of God less than He is. But for me, that statue is more humbling than any depiction that portrays God as powerful, earth-shattering, glorious and overwhelming. Why?
Part of it is because I KNOW who God is. When I look at that infant Jesus, I am totally humbled by His own humility. By His hiddenness. As a Catholic, I think I have a healthier sense of God's actual humility now than I did as a protestant. While I was always being taught about the glory and majesty of God, I very rarely was presented with food for thought on the hiddenness and UTTER humiliation of God.
In fact, for Catholics, it's much easier to appreciate God's hiddenness because we have the Eucharist. What greater sign of God's incredible love for us than His willingness to submit to coming to us in a piece of bread and a cup of wine? When we sit at adoration (when we gaze upon the Lord in the Eucharist in what we call a "monstrance" --- a large, metal object created to display the Eucharist--- I know I am thinking of His incredible humility and His willingness to be WITH us at all costs. I've said before that Catholics seem to understand the incarnation better because of the Eucharist, but more than that, I think the Eucharist is such a sign to us to remind us of the need for unity in Him and not in the "things of this World." If God can come to me as a little baby, as a piece of bread, then how do I know I will not encounter Him in everything I see and touch and taste? St Therese called the Lord in the Eucharist the "Prisoner of Love."
More importantly, this humiliation that he endures in no way REMOVES His glory-- it only amplifies it. The meditation in Divine Intimacy talks of this:
The practice of the hidden life has, therefore, two aspects: the first, negative and mostly exterior, consists in hiding ourselves from the eyes of others and even from our own and in dying to glory and worldly honours. The second, which is positive and entirely interior, consists in concentrating on God in a life of intimate relations with Him. The first aspect is the condition and measure of the second: the more a soul is able to hide from creatures, and even from itself, the more capable it will be of living "with Christ in God", according to the beautiful expression of St Paul: "You are dead: and your life is hidden with Christ in God" (Col 3,3).
You see, the point of this life is not, as I thought when I was a protestant, to simply get into heaven. Nor is it to only serve God. What God wants from us, what He created us for, is UNION with Him-- a blessed marriage feast in which we delight in each other and share in the love relationship of the Blessed Trinity. (those who have read the book THE SHACK saw a beautiful depiction of this relationship that should help you in seeing the "big picture" God has prepared.)
The purpose of the Carmelite walk has always been to achieve that perfect Union with Him, and the author of the Divine Intimacy, Fr Gabriel of Mary Magdalen, OCD, was an eagerly sought after spiritual director. He knew that before we could have lofty dreams of Glory in the Lord, we must have dreams of being virtually erased from sight and even from our own affections, so that in that disappearance we would be freed to enjoy God completely and to make His will our own. We will truly have mortified the flesh. Thus, when he (by the countless other Carmelite saints who offer the same advice) suggests serving in silence, quietly giving to those who don't deserve it, disappearing into the sea of faces, becoming invisible and unknown.... Thus the soul
(...) no longer wastes its energy looking for esteem or human satisfactions; from this point of view creatures have become as nothing to it. It can say that "created things, its own as well as others', no longer give it the least worry or trouble; it is just as if they did not exist" (T.M Sp). Thus the soul arrives at that sovereign liberty of spirit which permits it to concentrate itself wholly upon God. Exteriorly its conduct shows nothing extraordinary, or rather, the very care it takes to hide from the eyes of others makes it very often go unnoticed, and most people consider it a soul of little worth. But in its secret heart a very rich interior life, known only to God, is developing.
THIS is the example of Christ. This is what Christ did. He was God, but He lived as a man. He obeyed his earthly parents. He allowed himself to be tortured and killed. He was utterly humiliated, and yet during the course of this life, He was living out an amazing love story with his People and with the other members of the Holy Trinity.
Carmelites have had this wisdom since the beginning, it is as ingrained in Carmelite Spirituality as the Scapular which represents this contemplative life. And it is no wonder, then, that the Blessed Virgin Mary, the one who gave us both Carmelite spirituality AND the Carmelite Order, is the one who is so bothering our dear friend Rob in this R&P thread. She presents Christ to us in the way that she knows will perfect us and bring us to the fastest holiness.
This hidden quality of God which He asks us to imitate is a far cry from the TBN preachers and megachurch-with-superstar-senior-pastor syndromes of today. This hidden quality is what St John of the Cross was telling me two days ago when I was seeking direction for a few things that were going on in my life. The irony is that this hidden quality is about as contrary to my human nature as it gets-- I admit that I love recognition and one of the hardest things for me is to feel like I'm not "successful" in the eyes of the world. And yet:
Exteriorly its conduct shows nothing extraordinary, or rather, the very care it takes to hide from the eyes of others makes it very often go unnoticed, and most people consider it a soul of little worth.
Hopefully, this is why God has called me to Carmel. And as for Rob and his frustration, I am thankful-- so thankful-- that God has shown me why there is something absolutely breathtaking about a statue that depicts my Jesus as a child.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The pope on condoms....
It appears that a new "pope" scandal has hit the newsstands (or is it that the media has created a new pope scandal? I always get so confused these days. :P)
Anyhoo, I came across this story, about the Holy Father's visit to Africa, where, of course, he was bombarded by questions about the AIDS epidemic.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090317/ap_on_re_af/af_pope_africa
The first thing that struck me in the reactions to this "news" story (and I say that almost in jest--- there is nothing "new" about the pope's stance on the use of condoms) was the flabbergasted response of the masses. "How dare he?" And "how could he?" seemed to be the first questions most people asked. And yet, for more than 2000 years the same Church has been preaching the same things about abstinence and self control. the AIDS epidemic is a direct result of immorality. At it's origins, it was a disease transmitted sexually that literally grew to kill thousands and thousands of people, most of whom initially passed it on through homosexual sex. Now, it has become a disease transmitted by hetero and homosexual sex, by needles, by exposure to blood, etc. In other words, it has evolved into something truly terrifying. Anyways, the Church's position is that if we live a moral life we will avoid many of these types of plagues--- the world will be a better place. We probably wont annihilate AIDS altogether but we will certainly gain some type of control over it and give ourselves some headstart over it. AIDS is not like cancer, if we avoid certain things we can completely avoid exposing ourselves to it. It's really not that complicated.
I have a friend who reminds me often that the definition of Insanity is to perpetually do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. This is what the news media seems to do with the catholic Church these days-- - they poke and they prod and they ask ... "Come on, aren't you getting with the times YET?" and we just sit back and watch them and say, in the immortal words of Eddie Izzard.... "What ARE you doing?"
You see the faith is the faith is the faith. It doesn't suddenly change just because things get harder or easier. It is what it is. And for people to expect that just because this is the new century with new, more serious problems, etc, we are going to just drop our frame of reference for everything we do and start from scratch with new ideas--- that's ridiculous.
"The grass withers, the flower fades: but the word of our God shall stand forever" (Isaiah 40:8).
The funniest quote from this article came from here:
Rebecca Hodes with the Treatment Action Campaign in South Africa said if the pope is serious about preventing HIV infections, he should focus on promoting wide access to condoms and spreading information on how to use them.
"Instead, his opposition to condoms conveys that religious dogma is more important to him than the lives of Africans," said Hodes, head of policy, communication and research for the group.
Now THAT is funny to me. What do the people expect the Holy Father to do? He himself will tell you his strategy, which is as follows:
"The saving message of the Gospel needs to be proclaimed loud and clear so that the light of Christ can shine into the darkness of people's lives," Benedict said as the president and other political leaders looked on.
That is the thing which people keep missing. He is the pope. Not a social worker, not a humanitarian aid provider, not a psychologist, a doctor, or a philosopher. He may ALSO be those things, but his main function is to guide the Christian Church towards holiness, and he does so by promoting morality, ethics, and justice IN LIGHT OF THE GOSPEL. The Gospel is the only thing that will save the people dying from aids in Africa. The Gospel is the only hope of salvation for any of us.
With Christ, even a hopeless child with AIDS is suddenly a beacon of hope, faith, and love. Christ is the answer to every problem. Following Christ prevents rape, poor judgement, sexual immorality, forgetfullness and a lack of diligence in the workplace, drug use, and all of the other causes of the transmission of the AIDS virus. It is in Christ alone that the answer to AIDS is found. Benedict knows that, and he said today the same thing the Church has always said, and which Melinda reminded us a couple weeks back on Ghost Whisperer: "HOLD OUT FOR EVERYTHING."
People need to remember that Christianity is not a humanitarian effort. Although we are called to serve the needy, sick and poor, we certainly are not called to do so without letting them know where they can go to find healing and wholeness. The only road that leads out of poverty, crime, war, disease and AIDS in Africa is the road to heaven, and as the direct descendant of the one who holds Keys to Heaven, the pope is only doing His best to make sure everyone is on the right path.
I like this pope more and more each day.
Anyhoo, I came across this story, about the Holy Father's visit to Africa, where, of course, he was bombarded by questions about the AIDS epidemic.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090317/ap_on_re_af/af_pope_africa
The first thing that struck me in the reactions to this "news" story (and I say that almost in jest--- there is nothing "new" about the pope's stance on the use of condoms) was the flabbergasted response of the masses. "How dare he?" And "how could he?" seemed to be the first questions most people asked. And yet, for more than 2000 years the same Church has been preaching the same things about abstinence and self control. the AIDS epidemic is a direct result of immorality. At it's origins, it was a disease transmitted sexually that literally grew to kill thousands and thousands of people, most of whom initially passed it on through homosexual sex. Now, it has become a disease transmitted by hetero and homosexual sex, by needles, by exposure to blood, etc. In other words, it has evolved into something truly terrifying. Anyways, the Church's position is that if we live a moral life we will avoid many of these types of plagues--- the world will be a better place. We probably wont annihilate AIDS altogether but we will certainly gain some type of control over it and give ourselves some headstart over it. AIDS is not like cancer, if we avoid certain things we can completely avoid exposing ourselves to it. It's really not that complicated.
I have a friend who reminds me often that the definition of Insanity is to perpetually do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. This is what the news media seems to do with the catholic Church these days-- - they poke and they prod and they ask ... "Come on, aren't you getting with the times YET?" and we just sit back and watch them and say, in the immortal words of Eddie Izzard.... "What ARE you doing?"
You see the faith is the faith is the faith. It doesn't suddenly change just because things get harder or easier. It is what it is. And for people to expect that just because this is the new century with new, more serious problems, etc, we are going to just drop our frame of reference for everything we do and start from scratch with new ideas--- that's ridiculous.
"The grass withers, the flower fades: but the word of our God shall stand forever" (Isaiah 40:8).
The funniest quote from this article came from here:
Rebecca Hodes with the Treatment Action Campaign in South Africa said if the pope is serious about preventing HIV infections, he should focus on promoting wide access to condoms and spreading information on how to use them.
"Instead, his opposition to condoms conveys that religious dogma is more important to him than the lives of Africans," said Hodes, head of policy, communication and research for the group.
Now THAT is funny to me. What do the people expect the Holy Father to do? He himself will tell you his strategy, which is as follows:
"The saving message of the Gospel needs to be proclaimed loud and clear so that the light of Christ can shine into the darkness of people's lives," Benedict said as the president and other political leaders looked on.
That is the thing which people keep missing. He is the pope. Not a social worker, not a humanitarian aid provider, not a psychologist, a doctor, or a philosopher. He may ALSO be those things, but his main function is to guide the Christian Church towards holiness, and he does so by promoting morality, ethics, and justice IN LIGHT OF THE GOSPEL. The Gospel is the only thing that will save the people dying from aids in Africa. The Gospel is the only hope of salvation for any of us.
With Christ, even a hopeless child with AIDS is suddenly a beacon of hope, faith, and love. Christ is the answer to every problem. Following Christ prevents rape, poor judgement, sexual immorality, forgetfullness and a lack of diligence in the workplace, drug use, and all of the other causes of the transmission of the AIDS virus. It is in Christ alone that the answer to AIDS is found. Benedict knows that, and he said today the same thing the Church has always said, and which Melinda reminded us a couple weeks back on Ghost Whisperer: "HOLD OUT FOR EVERYTHING."
People need to remember that Christianity is not a humanitarian effort. Although we are called to serve the needy, sick and poor, we certainly are not called to do so without letting them know where they can go to find healing and wholeness. The only road that leads out of poverty, crime, war, disease and AIDS in Africa is the road to heaven, and as the direct descendant of the one who holds Keys to Heaven, the pope is only doing His best to make sure everyone is on the right path.
I like this pope more and more each day.
St John of the Cross-- on community
I watched a movie last night on St John of the Cross (by the same title, from IGS publications)
It was one of those movies on the saints you have to sort of convince yourself to watch, but after you get over the idea of seeing it as a film (and I can thank Annie for this perfect explanation of some of these Catholic films) it becomes.... amazing.Because you get wrapped up in the life of the Saint you are following, and not because your are wowed cinematographically.
Obviously, John of the Cross had an amazing life, but he was one. of those Carmelite saints it was hard for me to crack open. Possibly i related to him less because he was a man, but also because he really and truly lived day in and day out in a tender suffering that I am not ready to embrace.
Being an aspirant with the Discalced Carmelites, I knew he was amazing and I would love him, but for whatever reason, it took me a bit of a push to get into his works and ideas. This film helped me to do that, and now I am thirsting for more.
It spoke VOLUMES to me about my Carmelite walk and my walk as a wife and mother in a community. God has been dealing with me a lot on the issue of hope lately, and certainly most of St John's life was about retaining the virtue of hope in a world that was seemingly very dark.
More importantly, it was in the spiritual direction that he gave the nuns that I found guidance for my place in the community. Perpetual dissatisfaction is the name of the game with me, because I find a community I love and then I find fault-- both in myself as I relate to it and in the community itself, and then it drives me bananas. I'm at that stage in my Parish right now. The first step, obviously, is to follow my personal motto and "be the change I want to see in the world."
If I want people to leave mass quietly so as to retain a prayerful atmosphere as they should, then I must take care to do so also. If I want people to be reverent from the moment they set foot in the church, then I must do so as well. But more than that, I have to learn to deal with situations that arise in a community: when I don't like the way someone did or does something, or when I get frustrated with a person's bad habits and things like that. More importantly, I think, when another person's unfolding drama seems to take over your life. This happens all around me, and it certainly happens to me-- for some reason it so happens that other people's "stuff," as my old dance teacher would say, gets in the way of my own ability to enjoy life.
For that, John of the Cross had the most marvelous advice. It was glorious to hear, but also stung quite a bit. First, because it involved detachment of my emotions, and encouraged me to simply BE and not BE IMPLICATED or involved, but also because it encouraged me to take some responsibility myself: not just to pray for them but also to LOVE them. Which sounds easy enough, but in application is hard to figure out. By watching his life unfold, it was lightening hit me and I just GOT it. He said:
“It is great wisdom to know how to be silent and to look at neither the remarks, nor the deeds, nor the lives of others.”
and also:
"where there is no love, put love, and there you will find love."
Taken together, these two quotes show the perfect harmony that detachment from the world and prayer create---- and basically perfectly lay out what speaks to me so deeply in Carmelite spirituality: Love.
I guess this pretty much sums up his philosophy:
“Abide in peace, banish cares, take no account of all that happens, and you will serve God according to his good pleasure and rest in him.”
St John of the Cross, pray for me.
It was one of those movies on the saints you have to sort of convince yourself to watch, but after you get over the idea of seeing it as a film (and I can thank Annie for this perfect explanation of some of these Catholic films) it becomes.... amazing.Because you get wrapped up in the life of the Saint you are following, and not because your are wowed cinematographically.
Obviously, John of the Cross had an amazing life, but he was one. of those Carmelite saints it was hard for me to crack open. Possibly i related to him less because he was a man, but also because he really and truly lived day in and day out in a tender suffering that I am not ready to embrace.
Being an aspirant with the Discalced Carmelites, I knew he was amazing and I would love him, but for whatever reason, it took me a bit of a push to get into his works and ideas. This film helped me to do that, and now I am thirsting for more.
It spoke VOLUMES to me about my Carmelite walk and my walk as a wife and mother in a community. God has been dealing with me a lot on the issue of hope lately, and certainly most of St John's life was about retaining the virtue of hope in a world that was seemingly very dark.
More importantly, it was in the spiritual direction that he gave the nuns that I found guidance for my place in the community. Perpetual dissatisfaction is the name of the game with me, because I find a community I love and then I find fault-- both in myself as I relate to it and in the community itself, and then it drives me bananas. I'm at that stage in my Parish right now. The first step, obviously, is to follow my personal motto and "be the change I want to see in the world."
If I want people to leave mass quietly so as to retain a prayerful atmosphere as they should, then I must take care to do so also. If I want people to be reverent from the moment they set foot in the church, then I must do so as well. But more than that, I have to learn to deal with situations that arise in a community: when I don't like the way someone did or does something, or when I get frustrated with a person's bad habits and things like that. More importantly, I think, when another person's unfolding drama seems to take over your life. This happens all around me, and it certainly happens to me-- for some reason it so happens that other people's "stuff," as my old dance teacher would say, gets in the way of my own ability to enjoy life.
For that, John of the Cross had the most marvelous advice. It was glorious to hear, but also stung quite a bit. First, because it involved detachment of my emotions, and encouraged me to simply BE and not BE IMPLICATED or involved, but also because it encouraged me to take some responsibility myself: not just to pray for them but also to LOVE them. Which sounds easy enough, but in application is hard to figure out. By watching his life unfold, it was lightening hit me and I just GOT it. He said:
“It is great wisdom to know how to be silent and to look at neither the remarks, nor the deeds, nor the lives of others.”
and also:
"where there is no love, put love, and there you will find love."
Taken together, these two quotes show the perfect harmony that detachment from the world and prayer create---- and basically perfectly lay out what speaks to me so deeply in Carmelite spirituality: Love.
I guess this pretty much sums up his philosophy:
“Abide in peace, banish cares, take no account of all that happens, and you will serve God according to his good pleasure and rest in him.”
St John of the Cross, pray for me.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Just when you think....
It seems like every time I get majorly discouraged, God does something totally amazing to blow me away. I woke up this morning pretty blue--- I miss my husband already, I had bad morning sickness and I was tired, and I was running out of places to look for a job for him and still couldn't understand why the army wasn't working out for us.
As I was praying my rosary, I spent a couple of minutes in prayer asking God to let me know he was there and working, because I was in need of hope. It wasn't but a few seconds later that my two year old daughter and one year old son start laughing and giggling and pointing to the corner of my living room.
"Look mommy!" My daughter laughed. "It's an angel!"
I sucked in my breath and crossed myself.
"Mommy! He's saying hi to me." It lasted only a few minutes, and then they calmed down and went back to their breakfast as usual. I could hardly contain the tears.
Isn't it incredible when you ask God to show up and He does?
As I was praying my rosary, I spent a couple of minutes in prayer asking God to let me know he was there and working, because I was in need of hope. It wasn't but a few seconds later that my two year old daughter and one year old son start laughing and giggling and pointing to the corner of my living room.
"Look mommy!" My daughter laughed. "It's an angel!"
I sucked in my breath and crossed myself.
"Mommy! He's saying hi to me." It lasted only a few minutes, and then they calmed down and went back to their breakfast as usual. I could hardly contain the tears.
Isn't it incredible when you ask God to show up and He does?
Monday, March 16, 2009
Ehrman, death plagues, and some other things
Sorry about the long silences! I caught this death plague at church that threw me for a three week loop and I felt AWFUL. Add to the mix a rough pregnancy, a stye in my eye (yes, it's a cute rhyme, no, there's nothing cute about a stye) and taking care of the kids, stir in my hopeless disappointment that the doors to the US military have once again been slammed shut before us since we finally got word that they said no, and then add a dash of depression and anxiety over having to move (possibly) and you'll get a small, blurry picture of where I was at.
Bottom line? Been really, truly busy trying to recover. And I don't think I'm done yet-- I'm in one of those seasons where things just seem to be bumpy and rough. There have been good things too.... little graces and consolations here and there.
One of the things I've found to entertain myself has been looking into this guy Bart Ehrman, who everyone seems to think is some kind of spectacular scholar. Basically, the guy is a pseudo-intellectual hotshot who makes a living deconstructing everything you (the Christian reader) and I know about Christ. For God knows what reason, he seems to be uber popular with the soph college set-- you know the ones, the kids who never examined their own belief systems in their lives, take a Philosophy 101 course in their liberal arts college, and suddenly wind up "Experts" on the "real Jesus."
Anyways, I was so flipping sick of hearing about him I decided to look into some of his work myself (which I rarely do with people who annoy me this much.)
Anyways, here's a quote from one of his books.
“What I want to show is that because of the very nature of the historical disciplines, historians cannot show whether or not miracles every happened. Anyone who disagrees with me–who thinks historians can demonstrate that miracles happen–needs to be even-handed about it, across the board. IN Jesus’ day there were lots of people who allegedly performed miracles. There were Jewish holy men such as Hanina ben Dosa and Honi the circle drawer. There were pagan holy men such as Apollonius of Tyana, a philosopher who could allegedly heal the sick, cast out demons, and raise the dead. He was allegedly supernaturally born and at the end of his life he allegedly ascended to heaven. Sound familiar? There were pagan demigods, such as Hercules, who could also bring back the dead. Anyone willing to believe in the miracles of Jesus needs to concede the possibility of other people performing miracles, in Jesus’ day and in all eras down to the present day and in other religions such as Islam and indigenous religions of Africa and Asia,” Jesus Interrupted (HarperOne 2009), 172.
As many others have noted, the funniest thing about this is how impressed with his own argument he seems to be. What a dullard. Had he actually learned ANYTHING about Christianity, he would know that a) of course we know that other people besides Jesus performed miracles (hello? Moses? Elijah? Paul?? etc) and that b) Dude, ever heard of demons? Demons have always enabled people to perform miracles and imitate God's miracles. One need look no further than Pharaoh's magicians to discover a plethora of examples of demonic "magic" that appeared "miraculous."
Also, APPOLLONIUS??? SERIOUSLY??? Ehrman is no moron (I hear) so he knows that his biography was written after Jesus Christ and is obviously an imitation of Christ. he's just hoping we wont catch it, I guess.
Anyways, the guy is super slick, probably riddled with demons himself, and clearly abusing his right to call himself an "intellectual," and yet it would seem that hundreds of people are devoted to his writings and clinging to them as if they were God's Word. Hundreds of people who, incidentally, appear unwilling to let the ACTUAL Word of God change them.
Sometimes, I shudder at the darkness that surrounds us.
Bottom line? Been really, truly busy trying to recover. And I don't think I'm done yet-- I'm in one of those seasons where things just seem to be bumpy and rough. There have been good things too.... little graces and consolations here and there.
One of the things I've found to entertain myself has been looking into this guy Bart Ehrman, who everyone seems to think is some kind of spectacular scholar. Basically, the guy is a pseudo-intellectual hotshot who makes a living deconstructing everything you (the Christian reader) and I know about Christ. For God knows what reason, he seems to be uber popular with the soph college set-- you know the ones, the kids who never examined their own belief systems in their lives, take a Philosophy 101 course in their liberal arts college, and suddenly wind up "Experts" on the "real Jesus."
Anyways, I was so flipping sick of hearing about him I decided to look into some of his work myself (which I rarely do with people who annoy me this much.)
Anyways, here's a quote from one of his books.
“What I want to show is that because of the very nature of the historical disciplines, historians cannot show whether or not miracles every happened. Anyone who disagrees with me–who thinks historians can demonstrate that miracles happen–needs to be even-handed about it, across the board. IN Jesus’ day there were lots of people who allegedly performed miracles. There were Jewish holy men such as Hanina ben Dosa and Honi the circle drawer. There were pagan holy men such as Apollonius of Tyana, a philosopher who could allegedly heal the sick, cast out demons, and raise the dead. He was allegedly supernaturally born and at the end of his life he allegedly ascended to heaven. Sound familiar? There were pagan demigods, such as Hercules, who could also bring back the dead. Anyone willing to believe in the miracles of Jesus needs to concede the possibility of other people performing miracles, in Jesus’ day and in all eras down to the present day and in other religions such as Islam and indigenous religions of Africa and Asia,” Jesus Interrupted (HarperOne 2009), 172.
As many others have noted, the funniest thing about this is how impressed with his own argument he seems to be. What a dullard. Had he actually learned ANYTHING about Christianity, he would know that a) of course we know that other people besides Jesus performed miracles (hello? Moses? Elijah? Paul?? etc) and that b) Dude, ever heard of demons? Demons have always enabled people to perform miracles and imitate God's miracles. One need look no further than Pharaoh's magicians to discover a plethora of examples of demonic "magic" that appeared "miraculous."
Also, APPOLLONIUS??? SERIOUSLY??? Ehrman is no moron (I hear) so he knows that his biography was written after Jesus Christ and is obviously an imitation of Christ. he's just hoping we wont catch it, I guess.
Anyways, the guy is super slick, probably riddled with demons himself, and clearly abusing his right to call himself an "intellectual," and yet it would seem that hundreds of people are devoted to his writings and clinging to them as if they were God's Word. Hundreds of people who, incidentally, appear unwilling to let the ACTUAL Word of God change them.
Sometimes, I shudder at the darkness that surrounds us.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Confirmed....
So, while all this "change" has been rumbling through me, one thing I did do was ask God to confirm in me my writing/editing abilities--- to, if it's his will that I seek to pursue that over these other things-- ensure that it was, indeed, His Holy Will and best for me.
When Peter and I were watching "The Devil Wears Prada" last night (yes, I got him to watch a chick flick. I have no idea how it happened, it was actually his idea!)a couple things kept running through my mind.
The first was how much I missed living in the city. I never watch movies anymore (seriously! It's been over a year!) but when I do see a typical "city scene" I realize that for all my fantasizing about the easy life in the Country, I was born for the city and it's something I really MISS! The second thing was that... as I said earlier, I was supposed to be writing.
I remember my first journalism class. It was an accident-- I was taking it because I REALLY didn't want to take this other lit class. I walked in and sat down and kinda laughed at the people around me. None of them seemed like the types of people I'd be likely to hang out or connect with. The teacher came in and started talking about journalism, and I was kinda like... yeah yeah yeah. I had always imagined I'd be a novelist or something. Never a journalist.
Then we had our first writing assignment and I realized that journalism was about tight writing--- it was about removing everything "wordy" and "flowery" and "poetic" and just laying out the facts in a manner that was straight-forward and clean-cut. At first, I hated it. I took personal offense at the editing jobs my teacher did.
But when I turned in my first assignment and she returned it to me with a big beautiful "A" and a note to stick around and talk to her in her office. In her office, she suggested that I join the college paper, and something about it seemed like a good idea. I did, and it was like, all of a sudden, all I could think about was the news. It was the first time I ever felt like I actually FIT somewhere, effortlessly, and the first time I felt like I was good at something without having to work like crazy. I was just good at it, and I liked it. I was so proud and happy walking around with my little reporter's notebook and sharp pencils, catching everything. I LOVED to sit in on council meetings. I was amazed at every little issue that came up.
Years later, as I sit here, I can still conjure up that excitement. It's one of the reasons that the movie we were watching was so compelling. It made me think of a certain friend of mine, a girl we'll call Ms. Fabulous.
When I was editor in chief of the paper, she worked for me. I remember her first day-- she told us she was sure that she could be a great journalist because she had taken numerous english courses and her last english prof had had her write 70 page papers every other week! We laughed because we knew that to be a good journalist, you had to write tight and short. She was adorable, beautiful, and totally enthusiastic. She was fabulous! Combine that with the fact that she was a good little Christian girl and I had "just been saved," and we became fast friends.
Over the course of our time together, she grew to be a fast, efficient, and powerful go-getter with gloriously REAL writing skills. It was no surprise to me when she got a job at CBS' "60 minutes" and jetted off to New York. I was so proud of her-- and more than a little jealous. I had long since chosen my own path-- settling into married life here in Fayettenam after a failed start in the US Army with an unexpected pregnancy in the works. (An Army which I had joined partially to get the combat field experience necessary to make me a good candidate for a middle eastern correspondant position.)
From then on, as I grew increasingly dissatisfied and finally became resigned to my "new life," I periodically heard fabulous tales of travel, excitement and adventure from Ms. Fabulous, and though I was thrilled for her, my heart always gave a little tug. That could be me if I had made better choices!
As we watched The Devil Wears Prada, my thoughts turned to her life and dreams and I pondered what being in her shoes would actually be like.... giving into the feeling that somehow she had totally succeeded where I had failed and that in her successes was a glory I would never know. I was jealous!
The feeling stuck with me through most of the next day--fanning into a lunch date with a friend in which I griped about the changes I needed to make and the frustration I was experiencing with my life.
So imagine my surprise (and the tears that sprang forth!) when I checked my email upon returning and found an email resting in my inbox from Ms Fabulous herself! I rarely hear from her other than a passing hug and kiss on myspace or facebook these days, so this was NOT a common occurence. And in the email, she asked me if I could please edit a job request letter she was sending out for a company she really wanted to get her foot into, citing:
"but just would loooove your fabulous editorial skills to spice it up and make sure I'm not leaving anything out/saying too much..."
Was I touched that she thought of me? Absolutely. But more importantly, I felt so confirmed--- it was as if God Himself had sent me an email that read: " I made you a writer. This is what you're good at. And I'm not afraid to use the one person who you admire most to let you know."
She probably has no idea how much that meant to me. And I probably did a terrible job of editing her letter, although I gave it everything I had to offer on such short notice and with all my "evening" sickness. The last time I edited anything it was a letter to gripe at my pastor about something, and the only thing I wrote this week was block letters to teach my kids how to spell their names. The exercise was also painful because it reminded me of how amazing her life is and how my own letter would pale in comparison.
But even so, for just a minute, I felt revived-- like God had breathed afresh into my life that even though there are no second chances, He can always make good those places where we are faced with a vacuous void of nothing... And He can always fill us when that emptiness threatens to cave in our hearts.
Will I ever BE that journalist I dreamed of... reporting on the Iraqi war in knee high pink uggboots and a camo miniskirt, asking the tough questions to all the key players? No. No way.
But just for a second there--- I got a glimmer of hope.
When Peter and I were watching "The Devil Wears Prada" last night (yes, I got him to watch a chick flick. I have no idea how it happened, it was actually his idea!)a couple things kept running through my mind.
The first was how much I missed living in the city. I never watch movies anymore (seriously! It's been over a year!) but when I do see a typical "city scene" I realize that for all my fantasizing about the easy life in the Country, I was born for the city and it's something I really MISS! The second thing was that... as I said earlier, I was supposed to be writing.
I remember my first journalism class. It was an accident-- I was taking it because I REALLY didn't want to take this other lit class. I walked in and sat down and kinda laughed at the people around me. None of them seemed like the types of people I'd be likely to hang out or connect with. The teacher came in and started talking about journalism, and I was kinda like... yeah yeah yeah. I had always imagined I'd be a novelist or something. Never a journalist.
Then we had our first writing assignment and I realized that journalism was about tight writing--- it was about removing everything "wordy" and "flowery" and "poetic" and just laying out the facts in a manner that was straight-forward and clean-cut. At first, I hated it. I took personal offense at the editing jobs my teacher did.
But when I turned in my first assignment and she returned it to me with a big beautiful "A" and a note to stick around and talk to her in her office. In her office, she suggested that I join the college paper, and something about it seemed like a good idea. I did, and it was like, all of a sudden, all I could think about was the news. It was the first time I ever felt like I actually FIT somewhere, effortlessly, and the first time I felt like I was good at something without having to work like crazy. I was just good at it, and I liked it. I was so proud and happy walking around with my little reporter's notebook and sharp pencils, catching everything. I LOVED to sit in on council meetings. I was amazed at every little issue that came up.
Years later, as I sit here, I can still conjure up that excitement. It's one of the reasons that the movie we were watching was so compelling. It made me think of a certain friend of mine, a girl we'll call Ms. Fabulous.
When I was editor in chief of the paper, she worked for me. I remember her first day-- she told us she was sure that she could be a great journalist because she had taken numerous english courses and her last english prof had had her write 70 page papers every other week! We laughed because we knew that to be a good journalist, you had to write tight and short. She was adorable, beautiful, and totally enthusiastic. She was fabulous! Combine that with the fact that she was a good little Christian girl and I had "just been saved," and we became fast friends.
Over the course of our time together, she grew to be a fast, efficient, and powerful go-getter with gloriously REAL writing skills. It was no surprise to me when she got a job at CBS' "60 minutes" and jetted off to New York. I was so proud of her-- and more than a little jealous. I had long since chosen my own path-- settling into married life here in Fayettenam after a failed start in the US Army with an unexpected pregnancy in the works. (An Army which I had joined partially to get the combat field experience necessary to make me a good candidate for a middle eastern correspondant position.)
From then on, as I grew increasingly dissatisfied and finally became resigned to my "new life," I periodically heard fabulous tales of travel, excitement and adventure from Ms. Fabulous, and though I was thrilled for her, my heart always gave a little tug. That could be me if I had made better choices!
As we watched The Devil Wears Prada, my thoughts turned to her life and dreams and I pondered what being in her shoes would actually be like.... giving into the feeling that somehow she had totally succeeded where I had failed and that in her successes was a glory I would never know. I was jealous!
The feeling stuck with me through most of the next day--fanning into a lunch date with a friend in which I griped about the changes I needed to make and the frustration I was experiencing with my life.
So imagine my surprise (and the tears that sprang forth!) when I checked my email upon returning and found an email resting in my inbox from Ms Fabulous herself! I rarely hear from her other than a passing hug and kiss on myspace or facebook these days, so this was NOT a common occurence. And in the email, she asked me if I could please edit a job request letter she was sending out for a company she really wanted to get her foot into, citing:
"but just would loooove your fabulous editorial skills to spice it up and make sure I'm not leaving anything out/saying too much..."
Was I touched that she thought of me? Absolutely. But more importantly, I felt so confirmed--- it was as if God Himself had sent me an email that read: " I made you a writer. This is what you're good at. And I'm not afraid to use the one person who you admire most to let you know."
She probably has no idea how much that meant to me. And I probably did a terrible job of editing her letter, although I gave it everything I had to offer on such short notice and with all my "evening" sickness. The last time I edited anything it was a letter to gripe at my pastor about something, and the only thing I wrote this week was block letters to teach my kids how to spell their names. The exercise was also painful because it reminded me of how amazing her life is and how my own letter would pale in comparison.
But even so, for just a minute, I felt revived-- like God had breathed afresh into my life that even though there are no second chances, He can always make good those places where we are faced with a vacuous void of nothing... And He can always fill us when that emptiness threatens to cave in our hearts.
Will I ever BE that journalist I dreamed of... reporting on the Iraqi war in knee high pink uggboots and a camo miniskirt, asking the tough questions to all the key players? No. No way.
But just for a second there--- I got a glimmer of hope.
Cocooning.
I've had a lot of time to reflect this week. The entire house caught this violent 24 hour stomach flu that really threw us all for the loop, and since I'm expecting again, I suffered some pretty serious exhaustion and had to put myself on bedrest, at least until I feel better. Medically speaking, I nearly always get stuck on bedrest, but since I am still not able to see an OB, I wont know much of anything (not even how far along I really am!) without a little waiting time...and don't want to take any risks.
So. Because it's lent and because this last week made me realize that I am actually not superwoman, I've had to come to terms with a few things.
the first is that I have too much on my plate-- and that I need to re-arrange some priorities in order to do the best thing I can for my own health and sanity. How did this all come about? Well, I think it was an interesting mix: emotional breakdown from the sick weekend (too much) combined with watching The Devil Wears Prada with the Hubby (which reminded us both of our goals not being accomplished)combined with sleep depravation combined with pregnancy hormones combined with....well, lent.
So, first things first.
I'm no longer going to be doing consultations. I'm not going to meet with people, I'm not going to take middle of the night phone calls, and I'm not going to take middle of the day phone calls. I'm done doing consultations. It's not because I don't love it, and it's not because I don't think that God is using me in this ministry, but rather because I am getting ahead of myself and taking on FAR more than what I am able to handle. I plan on keeping a website with as much information as possible on there, and hopefully finishing my book, which will be a good resource. Other than that, I'm DONE with that part of my life right now.
I'm also no longer selling travel. I'm not going to do ANY travel selling anymore, no pilgrimmages, no cruises, no flights, nothing. Done. It's not profitable enough to make it worth the time it takes to do it all, and my commissions are just totally pathetic.
I'm not going to be doing medjugorje information stuff anymore, I'm not going to be spending any more time on the internet spreading the news about Medjugorje. I still love it, but I'm just not able to do it anymore.
That should take some of the bulk off. THEN, there are a couple of things I AM going to do. I AM going to finish my doula training. I'm not going to have a doula business, but I want to be able to doula when a doula is needed, and it can definitely help make ends meet.
When I'm done with that, I AM going to work on finishing my book. Because honestly, I was put on this planet to write, and anyone who knew me growing up knows that. WHY I am not doing it is something that remains to be seen.
It's going to take a bit of work to transition from doing these things regularly to not at all. It's going to take a lot of effort on my part to be strict and serious about these changes.
The end result, I hope, is that instead of sitting here watching the years pass me by, I can feel relatively productive. I wont have to stress about getting anything done but the house clean and the kids happy and the food good and I think when you have more than one kid on your plate, especially when they are all so young and you don't have a husband who participates all that much in the household stuff, that honestly, you have to pick your battles.
Not a day goes by that I don't get bummed that I'm slightly overweight and not writing and still living in Fayetteville, not progressing towards anything. However, not a day goes by that I do anything about it because I'm so caught up in all this other craziness.
With changes like these, I'm going to be FORCED, absolutely forced, to look at life how it really is.
And though I've resisted making these changes in the past because they made me feel important, I'm not going to anymore. I'm too tired not to guard myself and my life jealously.
So. Because it's lent and because this last week made me realize that I am actually not superwoman, I've had to come to terms with a few things.
the first is that I have too much on my plate-- and that I need to re-arrange some priorities in order to do the best thing I can for my own health and sanity. How did this all come about? Well, I think it was an interesting mix: emotional breakdown from the sick weekend (too much) combined with watching The Devil Wears Prada with the Hubby (which reminded us both of our goals not being accomplished)combined with sleep depravation combined with pregnancy hormones combined with....well, lent.
So, first things first.
I'm no longer going to be doing consultations. I'm not going to meet with people, I'm not going to take middle of the night phone calls, and I'm not going to take middle of the day phone calls. I'm done doing consultations. It's not because I don't love it, and it's not because I don't think that God is using me in this ministry, but rather because I am getting ahead of myself and taking on FAR more than what I am able to handle. I plan on keeping a website with as much information as possible on there, and hopefully finishing my book, which will be a good resource. Other than that, I'm DONE with that part of my life right now.
I'm also no longer selling travel. I'm not going to do ANY travel selling anymore, no pilgrimmages, no cruises, no flights, nothing. Done. It's not profitable enough to make it worth the time it takes to do it all, and my commissions are just totally pathetic.
I'm not going to be doing medjugorje information stuff anymore, I'm not going to be spending any more time on the internet spreading the news about Medjugorje. I still love it, but I'm just not able to do it anymore.
That should take some of the bulk off. THEN, there are a couple of things I AM going to do. I AM going to finish my doula training. I'm not going to have a doula business, but I want to be able to doula when a doula is needed, and it can definitely help make ends meet.
When I'm done with that, I AM going to work on finishing my book. Because honestly, I was put on this planet to write, and anyone who knew me growing up knows that. WHY I am not doing it is something that remains to be seen.
It's going to take a bit of work to transition from doing these things regularly to not at all. It's going to take a lot of effort on my part to be strict and serious about these changes.
The end result, I hope, is that instead of sitting here watching the years pass me by, I can feel relatively productive. I wont have to stress about getting anything done but the house clean and the kids happy and the food good and I think when you have more than one kid on your plate, especially when they are all so young and you don't have a husband who participates all that much in the household stuff, that honestly, you have to pick your battles.
Not a day goes by that I don't get bummed that I'm slightly overweight and not writing and still living in Fayetteville, not progressing towards anything. However, not a day goes by that I do anything about it because I'm so caught up in all this other craziness.
With changes like these, I'm going to be FORCED, absolutely forced, to look at life how it really is.
And though I've resisted making these changes in the past because they made me feel important, I'm not going to anymore. I'm too tired not to guard myself and my life jealously.
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This is where you will find info about the kids--- first words, big adventures, and everything else.
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