When husbands won't lead.

An old pastor of mine used to say: "you can't follow a parked car."
It's true-- leaders need to be going somewhere.
He gave me this advice in the context of preparing for marriage, as I went about my way looking for "the one" that God would give me. He warned me to stay away from those parked cars, and to pray for one who was moving. Fast. Towards Godliness, he told me, and not destruction.
I took that advice. In fact, I might have taken it too well. The man I married in the end is such a strong leader I have a hard time keeping up!! But don't think that means I have it easy-- men with naturally commanding personalities have their own challenges. ;)

One of the most common questions I hear wives discuss is the question of what to do when men won't lead. We understand our role relatively well. We believe we are willing, and we wait for opportunities to provide our helpful role. And we wait. And we wait. And we wait! If that sounds like you-- know that you are not alone. Women everywhere are sitting and praying and waiting for their husbands to take charge.

In my experience, that's where the trouble starts. You see, most of the time when I've been in this situation, I have waited, and waited, and waited. And grown impatient. And frustrated. Bitterness and resentment and --gasp-- disrespect have begun to rear their head. And yet: here's the kicker. He actually HAS been leading. Just not where I want to follow. He is giving me clear directions and distinct signs. He is doing things in a way that could not be more obvious. And yet I miss it, because I'm so focused on him leading me where I want to go that I miss his actual leadership-- and then blame him, pretending like he isn't going anywhere "good," or anywhere at all. Ahhh, sin.

Now, there are husbands who won't lead in any area--- they won't work, or won't make decisions, and they struggle. And these issues are more common than they should be. And I believe that any of us wives, even those of us with strong leadership-oriented husbands, have times when we experience this because-- guess what--- we married sinners. And sinners sin, and from time to time, they struggle. The nature of our culture and the messages out there in the secular world given to men ensure that men will battle in their minds with their vocation to lead. Apathy is a plague in our society, and the reasons for it should be glaringly obvious to any Christian. Real progress in any domain takes hard work, and we've all heard the old adage: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

A husband going through this kind of imitation-husbandry, when he plays the part of a husband but doesn't actually do the work it takes to provide for, protect, and serve his family needs encouragement and inspiration to step back into the fight. (or into it for the first time.) The film Courageous is a resource that addresses this in a beautiful way, and if you haven't seen it, I strongly recommend that you watch it. Don't be sneaky and try to get your husband to watch it when he doesn't want to. Watch it yourself, maybe watch it with your kids, and ask yourself what it will take to get your particular man motivated. Then pray, and get ready for your miracle. It won't be the first-- God is able to help your husband. Ask the Holy Spirit for advice in this area. Read your Bible for inspiration.

These struggles can be frustrating, but there is one area a man often won't lead that really tends to crush his Christian wife... That area is in spirituality. Almost every Christian woman I know either has-- or wants very much-- a man who does a few simple things. They are:

1. Lead the family in morning and evening devotions
2. Attend church and worship with the family
3. Have a regular habit of prayer and bible study

I would probably add a fourth-- every woman I know wants a man who has strong moral character. A man who is trying to improve himself and to seek God's will for himself and his family.

In fact, let's start in reverse. A man who is trying to improve himself and seek God's will -- is a man with a relationship with God. But that relationship, if it is real, will bear fruit in the form of religious habits which keep him disciplined and in spiritual shape. these will naturally spill out into his family. We all know how important these habits are for ourselves. We desire to see our husbands doing them, and doing them MORE than ourselves.

I will go so far as to say that a man who externally-- through his job or status, adherence to a religious affiliation, partnerships with Christian men, whatever-- "acts" like a Christian but does not lead his family in their faith is in sin. But I will also go so far as to say that a woman who does not look for, notice, and actively follow her husband's cues, as subtle as they might be, in this area, is also in sin. In other words-- get that plank outta your own eye first.

In the end, though, a man should be leading his family, starting with himself,  a wife should be an inspiring and good-bearing helpmeet, and a Christian family should have a strong and vibrant faith life.

So what if that's not what you have? 

A few things I've noticed about my own marriage in this area. Because yes, even my Mr. Command-Man (to use a term coined by Debi Pearl in Created to be His Helpmeet) sometimes struggles in leading his family spiritually, and sometimes I struggle in following his spiritual leadership.

Consider his spiritual background.
My husband comes from a long line of hypocrites. In his family life growing up, everyone called themselves Christians, poopooed all non-Christians, spoke Christian-ese, and went to Church religiously. BUT they argued and yelled the whole way to church, never had family devotions, ripped out and threw away every religious article that interested their kids that wasn't in line with their fundamentalist mindset, talked one way and acted another, got divorced, got remarried, got divorced, over and over to different people, beat their kids on the way to bible study,  abandoned their kids when they were most in need, etc. Whenever my husband's dad sat down to read the Bible, an argument would break out. By some miracle, through Grace alone-- he came out of that a Christian. But can you imagine the feelings he has associated with "religious" behavior?

Now your husband may not have had the same experiences, but consider his background when you are looking at the issue. What feelings and ideas might he associate with the types of activities you are hoping to see? How can you help him to change those and should you? Does he get a better sense of things by association with other families? By praying through and for healing in family relationships that were broken by this type of behavior? By attending a faith sharing group where these types of things are addressed? By reading a good book? Whatever it might be, there is an answer here. Somewhere, some how, he has negative associations with family devotions, because it's not like he hasn't heard about them.

Or perhaps he has NO concept of family devotions. His family didn't have them growing up and he wouldn't even know where to start or what it means. Perhaps he thinks its corny or artificial and would rather just "be good and do good." Exposure to the concept or idea, or simply starting some with your children and allowing him the freedom to participate as he desires without judging him or holding him accountable will certainly encourage him. God Himself holds your husband accountable for his behavior and habits around his wife and around his children. He doesn't need a harpie flying around reminding him of his shortcomings. He needs to see his wife and kids enjoying family devotions and to think--- I need that. I want to be a part of that.It is God's KINDNESS that leads us to repentance. (Romans 2:4)

Consider his manhood.
My husband is a man of action. One thing he cannot stand is what he calls "having a committee." This is what he says when he sees me start to sit down and plan and structure how to do every little thing from grocery shopping to family devotions to family events. He thinks much time is wasted on the planning part that could be more efficiently used in the doing part-- not that planning is bad, but that OVER planning, over thinking, over discussing, etc is a female-ish activity that needs squelching in his environment. While there are some areas I think these activities are useful, it is true that in the past, he has often exposed my weakness of overplanning and underacting. I like to think about and idealize events, activities and relationships, but not to do the hard work that it takes to make them happen. This is something I've been working on, with some degree of success, for years.

As a man, he takes everything seriously and means what he says. When he speaks, there are clues and points in there for me to pick up on. I need to listen. He doesn't like to repeat himself. And when he acts, he has thought it out, even if I haven't seen the process or it wasn't done the way I would have done it.

In other words-- and this is MY family, yours might be different-- there is no need to have a committee about everything. Instead, we go by his motto: "do good. be good."
My husband is a man, like all men he DOES express himself, albeit in a way that is different to what I'm accustomed to. Instead of doubting him or myself or falling prey to my emotions or ideas, I can listen to what he is saying. He means what he says.

Another thing he has often pointed out to me when I have lamented his "lack of leadership" in the spiritual area is that women are more emotionally driven than men. Call it a stereotype if you will, I call it a reality. We speak different languages.
Which then means that when I pray and speak to God, I give and receive a certain amount of emotional  communication. My praise and worship is filled with language that evokes particular feelings and emotions. My supplications are wrought with words that imply deep, longing needs. I cry and laugh and raise my hands and stomp my feet. That is me being real with God. And I am often thinking he isn't being real with God himself--- or that I don't see him "enjoying" the same type of relationship with God as I have. It has bothered me in the past.

When my husband speaks to God-- He is speaking to His heavenly father. And just as between fathers and sons deep exchanges are possible with a few respectful words, that is HIM being real with God. When I desire long, lengthy bible studies where we get to talk about how a passage makes us feel, and instead he gives me a brief, stern lecture on how a passage should have changed my life... I've learned to be filled with gratitude. Change, after all, is the point. Not good feelings. All the fun bible study ideas and bibley activities in the world aren't worth a dang if they don't change us.If my husband is a man of few words, who means what he says, he is going to bring the change and leave the ooey gooey behind. And I married him, so I accept that. In fact, over time I have come to very much appreciate and be grateful for his lack of sugar coating things. I can always count on him to tell me the truth in any situation. That is a blessing to me.

And lest you think I'm suggesting that a lack of compassion is a good thing, consider that a real man often is moved specifically BY his compassion. We, the "weaker sex" are so easily swayed this way and that and in so much need of their stability and solid framework.

Consider his precedent.
My husband says that great men almost always have rotten sons. This is something he prays about and guards against... because he desires BOTH to be a great man of God and to raise great men of God. We've seen the precedent throughout history-- through the PK (pastor's kids) phenomenon, for example, or through the sad heritage of the great men's sons who have paraded through our history books.
One thing we have noticed is that when men become pre-occupied with their OWN greatneess, it's a slippery slope downwards. My husband loves ash wednesday, when the priest traces an ashy cross on his forehead and tells him that he is dust, and to dust he shall return. Pride is often our greatest downfall, both  for husbands and wives. Even for parents-- as it prevents us from hearing our children and building a relationship with them and instead causes rifts and deep wounds. He believes that the most important thing a man can do is embrace his God-given vocation: the three part triangle which has for points his marriage, his fatherhood, and his work. If he is a man who has begun to make progress in the area of leadership where he hadn't been before, or whose wife is FINALLY beginning to make attempts to follow his leadership, it is clear that pride is the next enemy to overcome.

My husband says that when men have uninspired wives at home, they often come home and find their wives and children draining-- so they begin to "hide" themselves in the greatness of their work. This is why when I'm tired and in a bad mood-- my husband will spend hours upstairs writing a deep blog or a poem or parts of his book or something. But when husbands have gentle, meek, peaceful and happy wives, they find they enjoy their wives and children and become filled with joy in their primary vocation-- that of father and husband. Of course, he says, men must embrace their primary vocation first in order to achieve eternal success at their work. But, he says, it is a true test of manhood to embrace the primary vocation of husband and father when there is no one willing to be led and no joy or warmth to be found in the home.

Throughout history, it has been the traditional way that men lead and women follow. Only very recently have we women been given the freedom to say: "let's do it like this" uninvited. My best advice to you is not to abuse this privilege-- but instead to pray and ask God to make you the kind of women who would make our foremothers proud.

Some practical tips.
What, then, can we DO about this feeling that our husband is not leading?

1. Pray. Fervently.
2. Go to confession. Search your heart for places you have sinned and have not followed joyfully when he HAS been guiding you somewhere.
3. Delight in him. One of the things all happy wives have in common is the ability to overlook their husband's faults and to speak and believe only those qualities which make him ideally suited for HER. Disrespect is the opposite of delight. Find within you the grace you've already been given through the sacrament of holy matrimony to trust God fully and with abandon for your welfare, and delight in your husband.
4. Do not neglect the responsibility to teach your children. But ALWAYS use respectful words with your children about their father's leadership in this area. Even if all he does is bless them once before bed, be grateful and tell your kids so.
5. Look for ways he IS leading and follow him. Even-- especially-- if these are places you are uncomfortable going out of your own idea. One example is that my husband has created a culture of prayer in my family that is FAR more formal than what I had envisioned. And yet I see such growth in my children and in my self as a result of these formal prayer settings. I am very grateful for them.
6. Stop trying to turn him into someone/something he is not, and instead look for the wonderful things that make him unique and good.
7. Take some tips from Charlotte Mason and remember that habit is ten natures. Both for yourself, for your children, and for your husband, cultivate good and fruitful habits that build character and encourage each other in them.
8. Remember that what you say -- but more importantly, what you DO-- greatly influences your husband. That alone should give you a plan of action where you have been failing.
9. Speak his language. Many husbands are able to relax and focus more when their wives are attentive to their needs... be they sexual, emotional, or a need for cleanliness, order, or a good attitude.
10. Above all, trust God.