A find.

Jun 6, 2009

identification (June 6, 2009)
I found this blog on my old myspace blog.... it's several years old, and ironically something I'm deeply dealing with right now. Apparently, old issues never go away. I don't necessarily agree with the conclusions I came to in this blog, but a lot of it really hit home. Now, since this issue is years old... I am going to pray about how to resolve it... once and for all.

I'm having a really hard time dealing with the question of identity.

Who am I? Obvious answers pop out: I'm a Christian, a wife, and a mother. I'm a carmelite. I'm a friend. I'm a sister and a daughter. Then there are the occupational ones.... I'm a published writer. I'm a housekeeper. I'm a cook. I'm a minister of the gospel. I'm a teacher. I'm a nurse. I'm a doula. I'm a yogi. I'm a knitter.

All of these things are pieces of my identity that I'd like to keep. There are other things I'd like to add but haven't yet... like university graduate, or world traveller.

There come certain times in my life when I have to make decisions about piecing together that identity. I decide what shows to watch on TV and that forms me, or what books to read. I have to give up certain habits or ideas, and that also forms me. Or rather, in doing so, Christ forms His character in me.
One of the hardest things for me is letting go of those things which I WANTED to have in the first place.

Being French used to be something that mattered a great deal to me and at which I actively worked. It wasn't enough to be born and raised there--- once I came to the US I had to make French friends (the French Connection!) and cook french foods and find people to speak French with so that I didn't lose that. We watched French movies and dressed like french people, and read french books. We concerned ourselves with French issues. Every nationality represented in the US has this type of method of preservation of identity available to them. When I hung out with Swedish girls all the time, it was the identical process, we just at kottbollar and glogg instead of crepes and coffee.

Nowadays, I have virtually lost that French identity. I wear hand-me-downs that were given to me for the most part so I have completely lost my own sense of style and basically dress like an American. I have no one to speak French WITH, so I don't do that anymore. There is no cultural source of French food or entertainment or company, so I've pretty much forgotten-- or at least put out of my mind-- those things which made me "French." In fact, most people in this part of the country have a strong distaste for France and the French, so I can't even really discuss it with the locals. All I have left is a birth certificate and a funny name. And even, that, somehow, I have lost.

As my kids grow, they don't like to speak French because I'm the only one who does it with them. I wonder sometimes if it's even WORTH teaching them-- who will THEY use it with other than the once-a-month phone calls with distant relatives?

At the same time, I'm reluctant to lose it. I want to maintain this identity for no other reason than it is IMPORTANT to me, and its been with me all my life. In cleaving to my husband, I am asked to relinquish this part of me (by nature of things like his distaste for classically French cuisine or traditions which I would have, if I lived alone, implemented in my home) It is very hard to balance who I am with who HE is, because by the nature of his role and position, he does not appreciate those things "around him."

Now before you go off thinking that's unfair, consider that there are MANY things he holds dear which I am put off by and which I hope HE would lose. Should he cleave to MY culinary tastes, I would be asking him to LOSE those things which he grew up on and which create HIS identity--- like Carolina BBQ.

Marriage is a give and take, and the issue of our identity is paramount. As a couple, we have to have unity of purpose-- we have to follow those things which God has called us to. And in this life, and in our family, for right now, God has called us to Fayetteville, North Carolina, a wart on the face of America. God has called us to have more children than we can "afford" by the world's standards, to be in relationships which are less than effortless, and NOT to know with any certainty that we will ever see/experience those things of which we dream.

I may cry every year cutting my grandmother's Foie Gras at Christmas and setting up the Creche, but the fact is that the only place I know for SURE that I will see my grandmother or aunts and cousins again is in the Eucharist. To pine and dream that somehow, some way I will get back there and to look for any opportunity that "might" arise is not only wasteful but sinful. In doing so, I'm doing exactly what Jesus admonished us NOT to do--- I'm fretting about tomorrow.

It seems that my whole life has been about learning to do what's in front of me, to be present in every moment, to be content with what I have. To abandon myself completely to God's care and relinquish all sense of control.

And yet I sit here thinking about WHY and how we raise our children and I think about how sad it is that I have been fed for years that I am raising "champions and worldchangers." Are my kids going to make a difference? Maybe. But in the end, my kids are going to be just like me: a face in an ocean of humanity, a speck in time. A piece of dust.

Cleaving to my husband and to the "thing" which God is forming us, united, to be, is the most difficult task in front of me, because it means letting go of everything that "feels" good---- it means accepting that in this life, I will have trouble.

Because of the Gospel, I may never walk the streets of Marseille again. Because of the gospel, I may never arise to the stillness and quiet of my alpine home and let my children have the privilege of experience the sights and sounds which shaped me. Because of the gospel, my children may NEVER know the beautiful things I've seen and tasted and heard and carry in my heart.

The reason for that is that those things which "tie" me there are the very things I must walk away from, and often the very people from whom I must detach in order to walk into what God has willed for me. I am truly so selfish that I'm often willing to IGNORE a relational issue which must be addressed just so that I can have the peace of being connected to those things which my senses require for joy.

As a Christian, as a wife, as a Mother, as a Carmelite, I must make decisions which sometimes leave behind those people who connect me to that identity and which sometimes are my only link to that distant past for which my heart and senses long.

So now the task is to find solace-- to find in Christ that consolation which I know He, my Creator, is capable of giving me.



I have told you this so that through me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but be courageous-I have overcome the world!--John 16:33

Swan Song

Swans have been popping up everywhere I look for the last week... been thinking about them and about how a few old poems and songs with titles about swans seem to evoke something in me right now that I can't really describe but that seems to be moving me in a particular direction. Two of them below, in French and English... one an old Ani Di Franco song that profoundly affected me as a teenager and that revists me from time to time, and second an old poem I once studied in school in France that has the same effect on me. Enjoy!




Le Cygne

À Victor Hugo

I

Andromaque, je pense à vous! Ce petit fleuve,
Pauvre et triste miroir où jadis resplendit
L'immense majesté de vos douleurs de veuve,
Ce Simoïs menteur qui par vos pleurs grandit,

A fécondé soudain ma mémoire fertile,
Comme je traversais le nouveau Carrousel.
Le vieux Paris n'est plus (la forme d'une ville
Change plus vite, hélas! que le coeur d'un mortel);

Je ne vois qu'en esprit tout ce camp de baraques,
Ces tas de chapiteaux ébauchés et de fûts,
Les herbes, les gros blocs verdis par l'eau des flaques,
Et, brillant aux carreaux, le bric-à-brac confus.

Là s'étalait jadis une ménagerie;
Là je vis, un matin, à l'heure où sous les cieux
Froids et clairs le Travail s'éveille, où la voirie
Pousse un sombre ouragan dans l'air silencieux,

Un cygne qui s'était évadé de sa cage,
Et, de ses pieds palmés frottant le pavé sec,
Sur le sol raboteux traînait son blanc plumage.
Près d'un ruisseau sans eau la bête ouvrant le bec

Baignait nerveusement ses ailes dans la poudre,
Et disait, le coeur plein de son beau lac natal:
«Eau, quand donc pleuvras-tu? quand tonneras-tu, foudre?»
Je vois ce malheureux, mythe étrange et fatal,

Vers le ciel quelquefois, comme l'homme d'Ovide,
Vers le ciel ironique et cruellement bleu,
Sur son cou convulsif tendant sa tête avide
Comme s'il adressait des reproches à Dieu!

II

Paris change! mais rien dans ma mélancolie
N'a bougé! palais neufs, échafaudages, blocs,
Vieux faubourgs, tout pour moi devient allégorie
Et mes chers souvenirs sont plus lourds que des rocs.

Aussi devant ce Louvre une image m'opprime:
Je pense à mon grand cygne, avec ses gestes fous,
Comme les exilés, ridicule et sublime
Et rongé d'un désir sans trêve! et puis à vous,

Andromaque, des bras d'un grand époux tombée,
Vil bétail, sous la main du superbe Pyrrhus,
Auprès d'un tombeau vide en extase courbée
Veuve d'Hector, hélas! et femme d'Hélénus!

Je pense à la négresse, amaigrie et phtisique
Piétinant dans la boue, et cherchant, l'oeil hagard,
Les cocotiers absents de la superbe Afrique
Derrière la muraille immense du brouillard;

À quiconque a perdu ce qui ne se retrouve
Jamais, jamais! à ceux qui s'abreuvent de pleurs
Et tètent la Douleur comme une bonne louve!
Aux maigres orphelins séchant comme des fleurs!

Ainsi dans la forêt où mon esprit s'exile
Un vieux Souvenir sonne à plein souffle du cor!
Je pense aux matelots oubliés dans une île,
Aux captifs, aux vaincus!... à bien d'autres encor!

— Charles Baudelaire

THE SWAN
by: Charles Baudelaire

NDROMACHE, I think of you! The stream,

The poor, sad mirror where in bygone days

Shone all the majesty of your widowed grief,

The lying Simoïs flooded by your tears,

Made all my fertile memory blossom forth

As I passed by the new-built Carrousel.

Old Paris is no more (a town, alas,

Changes more quickly than man's heart may change);

Yet in my mind I still can see the booths;

The heaps of brick and rough-hewn capitals;

The grass; the stones all over-green with moss;

The débris, and the square-set heaps of tiles.

 

There a menagerie was once outspread;

And there I saw, one morning at the hour

When toil awakes beneath the cold, clear sky,

And the road roars upon the silent air,

A swan who had escaped his cage, and walked

On the dry pavement with his webby feet,

And trailed his spotless plumage on the ground.

And near a waterless stream the piteous swan

Opened his beak, and bathing in the dust

His nervous wings, he cried (his heart the while

Filled with a vision of his own fair lake):

"O water, when then wilt thou come in rain?

Lightning, when wilt thou glitter?"

 

Sometimes yet

I see the hapless bird -- strange, fatal myth--

Like him that Ovid writes of, lifting up

Unto the cruelly blue, ironic heavens,

With stretched, convulsive neck a thirsty face,

As though he sent reproaches up to God!

 

II.

 

Paris may change; my melancholy is fixed.

New palaces, and scaffoldings, and blocks,

And suburbs old, are symbols all to me

Whose memories are as heavy as a stone.

And so, before the Louvre, to vex my soul,

The image came of my majestic swan

With his mad gestures, foolish and sublime,

As of an exile whom one great desire

Gnaws with no truce. And then I thought of you,

Andromache! torn from your hero's arms;

Beneath the hand of Pyrrhus in his pride;

Bent o'er an empty tomb in ecstasy;

Widow of Hector -- wife of Helenus!

And of the negress, wan and phthisical,

Tramping the mud, and with her haggard eyes

Seeking beyond the mighty walls of fog

The absent palm-trees of proud Africa;

Of all who lose that which they never find;

Of all who drink of tears; all whom grey grief

Gives suck to as the kindly wolf gave suck;

Of meagre orphans who like blossoms fade.

And one old Memory like a crying horn

Sounds through the forest where my soul is lost . . .

I think of sailors on some isle forgotten;

Of captives; vanquished . . . and of many more.




and another.... "Swandive" by Ani DiFranco

cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand
feels like a little baby bird fallen from the nest
i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i'm happy, i think that i'm blessed

i've got a lack of inhibition
i've got a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in

'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown

and i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
im wiped and im wired but i guess its just as well
because i built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and i'm queen of my own compost heap
and i'm getting used to the smell

and i've got a lack of information
but i got a little revelation
and i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down
i'm going to do my best swan dive
in the shark-infested waters
i'm gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around

'cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better thing to do than survive
i've got a memory of your warm skin in my hand
and i've got a vision of blue sky and dry land

i'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving, my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is what i understand
i just need a little vaccination for my far-away vacation
i'm going to go ahead boldly because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy, that falling is fun
up until you hit the sidewalk, shivering, stunned

and they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown... 

A little update, it's been a while

Hello Friends!

Sorry it has been so long since you have had any new entries to read, I have unfortunately been without a computer which makes blogging, uploading pics, facebook, etc. very challenging. I am hoping and praying to be able to find a used computer or by some miracle to get mine fixed over the summer, because we are "officially" starting school in the fall and the kids and I will both need easy access to a computer and working printer. I would also like to get to work on my book.

I just received the new Catholic Scripture Study International Bible, which I will be reviewing here in the first week of August (I like to take a month to read and get a feel for the book I'm reviewing) so I am looking forward to that since I have seen very few reviews on this particular Catholic Study Bible among Catholic Bible bloggers. My first impression is: YEAH! It's awesome.

I lost most of my book in the great computer fiasco of 2011 so I will be starting over, this time with a clearer picture of where I am headed. The kids and I leave for France in three days, unfortunately we had to leave my husband at home. I am both nervous and excited, please keep us in your prayers. When I return I will have fodder for a million new blogs on Catholicity and pilgrimage, as I intend to do everything in my power to spend Mary Magdalen's feast day at La Ste Baume (where she died), journey to Lourdes, adoration with the Little Sisters of Jesus, and most of the Carmelite feast days in Carmelite convents, to include the Carmel of Pau where resides Blessed Mariam's incorruptible heart.

Our whole family was able to attend the Mass for St Josemaria Escriva in Raleigh yesterday with the Vicar General of Opus Dei, it was a HUGE blessing for me and so amazing. I am convinced, now more than ever, that his spirituality and way of holiness is for me, but that does not exclude the possibility of returning to Carmelite Formation, which, to be honest, is all I can think about. I miss it very much, and I find that Opus Dei is really just Carmelite living in the world. The emphasis on SCRIPTURAL knowledge, Marian spirituality, prophetic responsibility, daily duty and sacrifice-- it's all there. Neverthless, there's something particular about my garden of Carmel which I miss and may never find anywhere else-- a love of mental prayer. It's present many places, but in Carmel in a special way. At this point I remain totally open to what God will do in me. He may just want me to remain completely "universal."

I hope and pray that you all are doing well. Looking forward to updating next month upon returning from France. This trip is going to be very emotional for me as it may well be the last time I see any of my family members there. Fortunately, we, as a family, are taking advantage of the trip and seeing cousins and relatives from all over the world (Singapore, England, Australia, etc) while there.

He is Risen!

Here are some of my favorite Easter songs! He is Risen! Hallelujah! And I know why I'm not a famous singer... cause I can't make it through ANY of these without bursting into mega-tears! God, your love is amazing..... that you would die for me! And give me eternal Life!!! All praise and honor to You, King Jesus!

Dolly knows.....


So does Kari .....


Rejoice, O Queen of Heaven!


Keith knows....


Death has lost it's sting!


He is truly the Messiah!


Praise You, Lord!  You are Holy!

Scripture Sunday- Easter Season Bible studies

Uploaded tomorrow's blog a day early because I will probably not have time to get started tomorrow with all the Easter events. Hope you enjoy! Sorry about the quality and noise-- we didn't sleep last night and the kids had a lot of sugar for my birthday. :D Would have re-done it without them, but we just didn't have any time today. A wonderful Easter to all of you! He is risen! Hallelujah!!

Saints on Saturdays-- Mary Magdalen at the Passion

Miryam of Magdala.

Today is Holy Saturday, and as I reflect on the life of Mary of Magdala, I am amazed by how many connections God gives me between my life and hers. Though the connections are not made in the scriptures themselves, the Church has traditionally referred to as "the adulterous woman," of scripture -- she is known for her repentant attitude towards sin.
Like her, I led a sinner's life, for many long years, and probably like many of you I one day had a profound opening of my eyes that showed me that Jesus was indeed LORD. Like her, I repented, was delivered of demons, and gave up everything to follow Him. Like her, I have been brought to life in prayer and in His presence and like her, I have wept and annointed His feet to honor Him. Like her, I have also experienced the darkness of the Cross, the shadow of suffering, and the pain of loss, but like her, I can see with eyes of faith (may it always be so, Lord!) that there is great power in the Cross. Like her, I am called to sanctification of my daily duty. She came to annoint His body with oil even though she could have been disappointed that He had died... she knew what she was to do, and did it. Her calling was not lofty and great... she was just a woman who loved and followed him. She was also a woman who knew to stop and listen to Him, to obey His every word.
Like her, His love saved me both in eternity and in the here and now. Like her, following Him led  me to places I'd never dreamed of living and things I never dreamed of doing. Like her, I found that God's will and timing is always perfect.
And like her, my experience of Christ has led me to preach and to be alone, in many ways, with Him, depending solely on Him to "finish the race." After Our Blessed Mother, Mary Magdalen is the single most inspiring woman in the Bible to me, and one of my absolute favorite saints.

Today, if you are able to watch Mel Gibson's movie The Passion, pay special attention to the life of Mary Magdalen as she lovingly followed and served both Our Lord and Our Lady, remaining close to them in every step of her life. In her example is the perfect example for every Catholic woman and man in the world.... a contemplative life of action with deep love.

St Miryam of Magdala, Ora pro Nobis!

Wordless Wednesdays: Spring

Tornado

Yesterday, we had a tornado come through here. A few of them, actually. And many, many people all around us are facing total devastation.
In the morning, we got a report that there would be big thunderstorms with lots of flash flooding. We secured the house and went about our business. Early afternoon, I received a notice that there was a tornado watch in effect. Tornado Watch means that there is a high possibility of a Tornado forming, a Tornado Warning means "take cover!" because a tornado has been reported on the ground. We see tornado watches all the time and they've never amounted to anything. Once or twice a tiny twister has set down and wrecked a roof or something, but never anything major, so no one was worried about it.

The day progressed and got darker and darker, and little by little the wind started to pick up. The clouds formed. They began to swirl and sway all around us. In some places, we saw a straight line of perfect light surrounded by dark storm clouds. I could tell the storm was coming, that the sky was trying to rain, but it seemed like it was going to be one of those wierd southern moments we have so much in the summer-- lots of buildup, ten minutes of storming, and then nothing.

It was in the early afternoon that I began to feel a stirring in my spirit, that something was wrong, that I needed to pray. I gathered my children around and prayed the traditional Catholic blessing against storms, and noticed a notification in my facebook that I had an email. Another friend a county away was feeling moved to pray as well. She was asking for confirmation-- "is the wind making you uneasy?" she asked.

 I typed out a quick response affirming her and headed to the bedroom to spend some time in prayer. It happened quick. Before long, we started to hear the low, deep roar of continuous thunder. I went up to get my husband and we all stood out on the porch, observing for a while. The wind was strong. the clouds began to swirl in a continuous pattern around our sky turned a deep, oceany greenish grey. Then the rain came. We saw it start down the street like someone was dumping buckets from above us. Inch by inch it raced towards us, making us feel trapped, as if it was literally gaining on us.
It came in sheets, pounding the pavement, and quickly turned to large  pieces of hail. We literally RAN through the front door, scooping up the children and their blankets. Once inside, we posted by the window watching the trees bend and swing dangerously low to the ground. Then, a few minutes later we saw debris begin floating through the air in front of us. Pieces of roof tiles. Wood. What looked like a bird (and was probably an article of clothing.) At that point we thought.... something major was going on. My husband abruptly shooed us all towards the couch in the center of the room and away from the window. Despite the kids' complaints that they couldn't see, a hush came over us as we hunkered down. It didn't look like it was getting better, but it sure didn't look like it was getting worse, either, so after a half hour or so we turned on a movie, "O Brother, where art thou," and settled down to ride out the storm, praying the power would stay on.
At one point, my Mother in law called from Sanford, a little town not too far from here where she said a tornado had touched down right near them and destroyed a Lowe's. Having been there a few years back when a tornado took out a "books a million" bookstore, I imagined the scene as it had been then: a little whirlwind, a broken sign, a few dozen shingles flying off the roof. I told her to stay safe and hung up the phone.
Several times, I glanced out the window and was overcome with a sense of impending doom, and I'd pace back and forth trying to get everyone ready to settle into the bathroom in the center of the house. Then my husband would calm me down, explaining how it was getting lighter and that the storm was passing. He was convinced we "wouldn't get much more of a show." And he was right... shortly thereafter the sun pierced through and an eerie calm came over the neighborhood.
Outside the air smelled like fresh dirt and fresh rain and the water was already evaporating off of the garden soil. A couple large trees and branches had been ripped out and blown over, and we set to work re-adjusting everything outside. My Father in law broke out the Husqvarna and set to work helping a little old lady and two female mormon missionaries cut through a tree that was blocking their driveway. Wheelbarrows full of wood were rolled in, split,  and put away in our pile for next winter. And then it hit me.... sirens. I was hearing sirens. A strange feeling came over me and I began to pray, as a knot formed in the pit of my stomach. I still felt something was wrong.
I went inside to check twitter, where I knew I'd be able to find up to the minute pictures and news. And find it I did: this was the Lowe's my mother in law had been talking about.

Needless to say, I was shocked. I began frantically tweeting and facebooking with friends trying to figure out how extensive the Sanford damage was and heard horrific stories from people on the scene. One report said they had 70 missing. Another said there were people (presumably alive and dead) just strewn everywhere. My heart sank... what a terrible ordeal!!

A few moments later it occurred to me to check for damage here in Fayetteville. After all, that had been a truly serious storm, and I was sure at least a tree or two had fallen. Nothing could have prepared me for what we found, just outside our little community:

Photo from the Fayetteville Observer, April 17, 2011

TOTAL carnage. My side of town and another part of town opposite us was hit worst. It's surreal driving around, because most of Fayetteville looks completely fine and normal, and then you hit certain districts or neighborhoods and they are just gone-- it's reminiscent of a warzone, which I'm sure is not so easy on our returning soldiers, so frequently assaulted by PTSD. There is so much work to do and so much help needed.

I've heard many miraculous stories of people saved within minutes or an inch of their lives for various reasons and also of heroic actions taken to save children or older persons who couldn't move as fast as they needed. I've been impressed with how quickly our city pulled together emergency services to help situate people. We are a city with no homeless shelter, so we had to make something from nothing and there are sooo many displaced families. Those of you looking for ways to help can check this article for info.

Life is so crazy... so uncontrollable when it comes down to it. One minute, you're taking a family trip to Lowe's on a Saturday to get some stuff for around the house. The next; you have no house and your family is gone. And nothing could have prepared you, or prevented it. Amazing. Humbling.

Turns out tornados took out much of North Carolina, some of Virginia, Maryland, and Pennsylvania. Please keep all of those affected by these terrible storms in your prayers. 

May the God of peace and consolation assist us here in Fayetteville and in all places affected by natural disasters, which seem to have increased in scope and nature in these last days. Amen.

If you're local and were affected by the tornado, have encouragement,  need prayer, or help, feel free to comment!

Random Rant:- What to do, what to do?

Each of us faces an important decision at least once every day. Aside from cultivating good habits, we must concern ourselves with sticking to these habits, and picking and choosing which habits are good and which habits are bad. We live in the information age, in which almost anything is accessible to us and in which it is possible to immerse ourselves in "virtually" anything we choose.

This, however, seems to only confuse us further. The majority of women used to know what to do with our little lambs because we saw the successes and failures of our parents. Now we read forty books on the subject and debate with other moms on the internet instead of watching our own mother do it.
We used to treat our husbands a certain way because we "were taught" that this way was the right way, now we decide for ourselves whether to accept or reject what we were taught, how to incorporate what we learn in school and in church and on the internet.
We used to know how to run a household, now we spend hours reading about different ways other women run households and plotting and planning online while our house falls to pieces.

This confusion can be helpful if we work through it to sort out what we really believe and stick to it! But more often than not I find myself "solving" a problem and then revisiting it again and again to see where I stand, as if I need some sort of re-enforcement or re-convincing. I am often overwhelmed with all the choices and ideas out there, because though I know the answer, I get sidetracked by the questions and the judgements of the women who disagree with my solution for whatever reason. I find myself wanting to answer to them instead of remembering that I will answer to God for how I have lived.

When it comes to marriage, parenting, family life, liturgical questions, work problems, new technologies, and scientific "advancements" of a questionable nature...."Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today, and forever. "Do not be swept off your course by all sorts of outlandish teachings; it is good that our souls should gain their strength from the grace of God." (Heb 13:8,9 NEB).
I am confident that the old ways still work! Love God and love people, obey God and serve people-- And all will be well for you!

I realized yesterday during our meeting of the St Gianna Vocation to Motherhood group that we women are always asking ourselves questions upon questions about how to run our homes. Even when we find a method that seems to be working quite well, we re-examine it and spend some time questioning ourselves. I will probably do this long after my little ones have left home... but the more I thought about it, the more I realized than in this tumultous world which is so uncertain and in some ways so frightening, one thing always stays the same: Christ.

Love God, serve people. Jesus says this is the whole of the law.
If you are contemplating a new parenting method...
If you are debating about stopping contraception...
If you are wondering about taking on a new job even though you have children at home.
If you are struggling with your choice of infertility methods...
If you are wondering about homeschooling...
If you are choosing an educational style and philosophy for your little ones...
If you are wondering whether to shop at a certain place or support a certain business...
If you are wondering how much or how little to take on in your week...

Does the choice I'm deciding on demonstrate love for God and His law? Does the choice I'm deciding on serve others, especially those under my care, instead of myself?
Does your question get answered in this way?

Tasty Tuesdays- French and Irish Baking

St Patrick's day is just around the corner, and while to many people that means beer and beads, to us Catholics it's a day to celebrate an incredible saint whose passion for God and whose faith and service drove demons out of Ireland by the power of God and brought an entire pagan island to love and serve the Lord and His Church.
Many families like to celebrate with a traditional Irish Feast, which can mean anything from Corned Beef and Cabbage to Shepherds' Pie. Long story short, if there are potatoes, go for it. A popular and almost always present side dish is Irish Soda Bread, one of the greatest things ever for those of us who can't have a lot of yeast.
Because it's yeast free bread, we can make it quickly and easily, and it tastes great. Here is our family's favorite Irish Soda Bread Recipe: 

Prep Time: 15 Minutes Cook Time: 50 Minutes Ready In: 1 Hour 5 Minutes Servings: 20

"The batter for this unadulterated soda bread features buttermilk for a special richness."

INGREDIENTS:

4 cups all-purpose flour 4 tablespoons white sugar 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 tablespoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup margarine, softened 1 cup buttermilk 1 egg 1/4 cup butter, melted 1/4 cup buttermilk

DIRECTIONS:

1.	Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Lightly grease a large baking sheet.
2.	In a large bowl, mix together flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, salt and margarine. Stir in 1 cup of buttermilk and egg. Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead slightly. Form dough into a round and place on prepared baking sheet. In a small bowl, combine melted butter with 1/4 cup buttermilk; brush loaf with this mixture. Use a sharp knife to cut an 'X' into the top of the loaf.
3.	Bake in preheated oven for 45 to 50 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the loaf comes out clean, about 30 to 50 minutes. You may continue to brush the loaf with the butter mixture while it bakes.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © 2011 Allrecipes.com

 The other bread we bake almost every day around here is a French Baguette, the crunchy, fluffy amazing bread I was raised eating at every meal. Serve it with jam in the morning, alongside soup or salad at noon, with nutella at teatime, and with a rich, hearty dinner to sop up sauces and finish off dishes. Yum. It's a 24 hour bread, you make the starter early in the afternoon and start baking at 3 or 4 am if you want it fresh for breakfast. But around here, I make the starter last thing at night and then start the process first thing in the morning, which means we usually have fresh bread at lunchtime or snacktime and always with dinner, using leftover first thing in the morning. The recipe I use is from Bread Alone. Total prep and baking time is 6 hours, not including the poolish. Makes 4 baguettes, 12-14 inches long, 1 inch wide.

POOLISH:

Spring Water  1 cup

Dry Yeast 1/4 tsp

Organic all purpose white flour* 1 1/2 cups

(I sometimes substitute half and half whole wheat.)

Combine water and yeast in a large bowl and let stand for 1 minute. Stir with a wooden spoon until yeast is dissolved. Add the flour, and stir until consistency of the thick batter. Continue stirring for 100 strokes until the strands of thick gluten come off the spoon when you press it against the back of the bowl. Scrape down thesides with a spatula and cover with plastic wrap or a clean, damp cloth. put in a modertately warm draft free place until it doubles in volume. (I leave it overnight)

FINAL DOUGH:

Full batch of Poolish

Spring Water, 1 cup

Dry Yeast 1/4 tsp

Organic All Purpose White Flour, 5 cups

Fine Sea Salt 1 tblsp

Measure and transfer one cup of the poolish to a new bowl. Discard the rest. Add the water and yeast and stir to break up until it loosens and foams slightly. Add 1 cup of the flour and stir until well combined.  Add the salt, stir, and then add just enough flour to make a difficult to mix. Turn it out onto a well-floured surface and knead, adding more of the remaining flour until dough is soft and smooth, 15-17 minutes. The dough is ready when a small amount pulled from the mass springs back quickly. Shape the dough into a ball and let it rest on the well flooured surface while you scrape and clean the bowl. Lightly oil the bowl, and place the dough inside, turning it once to coat all sides with oil. Cover with a clean damp cloth or plastic wrap and put in a moderately warm, draft free place until doubled in volume and a slight indentation remains after pressing finger into the dough. (2-3 hours)

Deflate the dough by pushing down in the center and pulling up on the sides. Transfer to a lightly floured board. Knead BRIEFLY. Divide into four equal portions. Flatten with the heel of your hand and shape into small, tight ball. Cover with clean damp cloth or plastic wrap and put in moderately warm, draft free place for 30 mins. 

Flatten each ball with the heel of the hand and shape into a 14 inch loaf. Place the loaves seam side up in a well floured couche (if you don't have one, just place them on the surface you will be cooking them in, WELL FLOURED and shaped.  Cover with cloth or plastic wrap as before and leave in place until they increase in volume and a slight indentation remains when the dough is pressed with a finger tip, about 1 1/2 hours.

About an hour before baking, preheat the oven to 450. If you have a homemade hearth or baking stone, you are awesome and your bread is almost guaranteed to turn out. If you don't (like me) then this is where it gets interesting and practice makes perfect. Once the oven is preheated, spray (or fling, lacking a spray bottle) some water into the oven to steam it up (be super careful not to hit the lightbulb or it will explode if it's lit.)

Stick the bread into the oven on the baking sheet or turn it out from the couche onto the baking stone or whatever you are doing with it, and let it bake for 15-20 minutes. The first ten minutes, open the oven at 0, 5, and 10 minutes to spray water in and add moisture. (NOT on the bread, but around it)

Take them out at 15 minutes and check for doneness. Loaves will be a rich caramel color and crusts will be firm. Turn them over and strike the bottom firmly with your finger. If they are done, it will sound hollow. If they don't sound hollow, bake another 5 minutes. 

They are best eaten warm, so don't wait to cool them completely before digging in. Seriously, the best way to eat these is to grab some friends and some quality olive oil, a glass of wine, and just dig in and dip.

Bon Appetit, and Sláinte! 

St Patrick, pray for us!

Mama Mondays- On Catholic Classical Methods and Charlotte Mason

It's Spring! Time for most of us homeschooling mothers to re-assess the past school year and make decisions about the direction next year takes. For some of you, this likely will involve a shout of hurray and a celebratory dance, as you have discovered a system that seems to be working for your family necessitating very little tweaking.
Others, like myself, are sort of boo-hooing about the past year but optimistic about what the future holds. On our end, the Appian Way Teaching Home here in Fayetteville, North Carolina is certainly going to go through some changes, but I'm kind of excited about what I learned NOT to do for my other children and I'm glad I'm only at the beginning of this long journey!
Having been determined to homeschool since the beginning of my first pregnancy and having devoured virtually every book on the subject, I had, even as a protestant, determined that a Classical Education was the way to go for our family. It still is-- my husband is a philosopher and thinker through and through, and both of us are HUGE on virtue and character, and the idea of teaching people to be good thinkers and moral people first, believing that learning follows.  We have great admiration for the "ancient " methods and a tendency to be "heavy handed" both academically and in the realm of discipline of the mind and body. A classical curriculum seems the obvious choice. We are even more convinced of this than ever, as the Classical Method is the spiritual heritage of the Roman Catholic Church.... it IS our educational method and always has been.

Last year was the first year I "officially" began schooling my oldest, who is turning five this month. I had been given several wonderful complete sets of classical-oriented curriculae along with books, etc and determined to just go ahead and go for it.
For the first three months, I bravely stacked workbook upon workbook, rounded my kiddos (even the baby) up around the kitchen table and drilled and instructed them in all the things I felt they should be learning. At this point , I had read "The Well Trained Mind" and absorbed most of what it has to say, implementing it as I understood it alongside the complete K Seton curriculum I had been given, along with a daily adaptation of a GREAT book I was given called "First Grade Learning at Home."
We did this for about two hours a day, and it was NOTHING like I had hoped. In fact, I fought my way through the entire experience, my kids backtalking and just generally loathing the entire thing. My oldest, who had been showing an uncanny desire to read at three was now completely disinterested, I was exhausted, and the thought of one more interjection from my non-Catholic father in law as I drilled my tiny pupils in catechism because he always seems to be making toast while we are doing call and response catechism questions was making me want to tear my hair out. I was a mess. A frustrated, angry, dejected, and probably quite depressed mess.
I realized, one morning, after having fought for over an hour with my oldest to get her to write one single "B," and then watching her daddy teach her to write an entire word in the space of five minutes with seemingly no effort at all, that I needed to RELAX and HAVE FUN with this or it wasn't going to take.
(I know, I know, they say it in all the books! But I somehow missed that. Selective hearing, and all that.)
Even though I enjoy more than anything sitting down with a giant, fat reference book and analyzing the heck out of a text, and writing neat lines down a perfectly fresh, lined sheet of paper..... my kids are KIDS. All they want to do is fling mud and eat cheerios. They are in the Grammar Stage of the Trivium... not quite ready to take apart Plato yet. Hah.
Fantasy of homeschool life, meet reality.

What followed was a rather deep depression. Amidst all the other stresses we were undergoing as a family, I could see myself losing touch with my kids and what's worse, having no idea how to correct it. I wanted desperately to homeschool but as my oldest approached five and cared less and less about "doing school" I knew that I was going to have to figure something out or off to my Public School nightmare she would have to go. Terror and depression gripped me, so I turned to God and asked Him  for some help.
It came to me in the funniest form. I was upstairs re-organizing stacks of willow house catalogs and decided to dump all the homeschool "stuff" I had accumulated on the shelf that I hadn't touched to make some room. As I took out coloring books and play guides, I came across a box: Saxon Phonics, for K. Inside was a brand spanking new Saxon Phonics set, and I brought it downstairs, determined to use it with my daughter. I thought to myself- "Hey, if ALL I do is teach her to read and count, have fun, and obey me this year, that's ALL that matters."
(Which, hello, is basically the premise of the Classical Method, but again... haha... somewhere in the confusion of learning "how to" homeschool, I missed that.)
Amazingly, as soon as I dropped all the "subjects" and "workbooks" and "units" and just started teaching her phonics, math, and directed play (play that taught her something according to her interests and ideas I gave her) school became AMAZING. And my other two began to be able to participate.
So fast forward a few months as I perfected this method-- here it is early March and I've been "officially" schooling for almost seven months. And I have only NOW begun to really school her, because only now have we come to a system that actually works! ALL we do is three simple programs: Saxon math, (although I'm considering a change to Math U See) Saxon Phonics, and an incredible program called "5 in a Row." (read about it here.) 5 in a Row is the beginnings of a "great books" program for little people... an in itself a complete curriculum, because it teaches science, history, geography, and fine arts all from a story the family reads together. It's perfect.

Even more amazing, as I studied the homeschool options further having put a school year under my belt and with the experience to know what to look for, I came across a method I had encountered only briefly before, a method created by a Victorian Age Englishwoman named Charlotte Mason. And what I found, in her method, was EXACTLY what I had uncovered-- a classical education with a few tweaks to make it more versatile and functional for the YOUNG mind. The more Charlotte Mason I read the more Charlotte Mason I loved, and I felt so drawn to her  ideas because I had just TRIED schooling the other way for a year and I knew it just didn't work unless we implemented the very things she was recommending. I think that at the base, ANY Classical method family is already doing most of  the things the CM method recommends.

There was something, though, that I found unsettling, and that prevented me (and prevents me still) from completely making the jump from a Classical Curriculum to the Charlotte Mason approach. I continue to ponder this "feeling" of concern, and I would love to know the experiences others have had both Catholic and protestant, using Charlotte Mason or avoiding it and what you might think. My concerns stem from her worldview. First, she was profoundly secular, even in her vision of Christianity (being a protestant herself) and thus she has often written in ways which set of "warning" alarms in my head as I read... often making appeals to the pride of her readers, using, quoting, and admiring historical persons with deplorable lives or pasts as far as the "Christian" character of the virtues she expounds. On the one hand, I admire this, because she has easily been able to draw what is good, right and true from even the most depraved of persons, and this is surely a very "Catholic" approach, and an example of charity in a world where it often lacks. However, I think she just seems to "miss the mark" a little when it comes to the practical application of her techniques and ideas, for example, possibly (and again, I'm not sure because I haven't seen it in practice, but--- possibly) focusing a little too much on the "Self," or on a more child-led than parent-led education, which is of great concern to me.
I am also ever wary of almost ALL things that came from the Victorian Era, and especially from England, a place and a time period which certainly lacked in every way the interior Catholic and Christian virtues necessary for a good and holy life. I am wary of her "modernizing" effect on the traditional Classical Method.... she preferred English books to Latin and Greek, whereas in our family we believe we must continue to bring these to the center of our children's lives. On the other hand, I have found her methods to be perfectly in line with the Classical Approach and very compatible. I have found them easy to "reorder" in a Catholic sense (for example, her ideas about scripture memory and bible time are PERFECT additions to a regular Catholic catechesis, in which we teach the "correct interpretation" of the Bible reading we have done.In other words, I think the Traditional Catholic "concern" I have seen in homeschool circles over Catholics using the Charlotte Mason  Method is not entirely misplaced, but possibly misdirected....let the method be what it is, and accept it's good qualities, for they are many, accepting also its flaws, and perfecting on them the best way we can.

Be aware, then, of a secular and modernist mindset in her work, and look for ways to perfect her ideas so that they conform to true Christian doctrine. But by all means, I think, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater! The Charlotte Mason method seems, to me, to be an easy way to implement a Classical Curriculum for the early years. I don't really have an opinion for the later years as I'm not quite there yet, as you can see. :)

As it is now, we are using an almost ENTIRELY CM curriculum which is adapted to fit the "Trivium" guidelines, with a major emphasis on the great books. Some CM things we do each day (or that we will be doing in the next schoolyear as this schoolyear is drawing to a close.)

1. Focus on habits. Charlotte Mason believed strongly in instilling good habits and this is something we try to do daily. We initially tried to use the Proverbs "Christian Character" chart used by the Duggars, and will continue to use it this year. It is a series of proverbs based virtues and an idea for the implementation of each one.

2. Nature Walks. I avoided these like the plague last year because we live in North Carolina and it's either roasting hell-like hot or freezing cold. I recognize, though, that I have to suck it up, because my kids need it, love it, and want it.... and it's an excellent "teachable moment" I ignore every day.

3. Copywork. Again, this seems so obvious but it never occurred to me until I read it in the Charlotte Mason system: at this age, air writing, writing in rice, sand, etc, writing on poster boards, dry erase boards, and chalkboards. Tracing letters. Etc.

4. Handicrafts and Life skills. This is a department we are already strong in, but I plan on being more "serious" about it--- sewing, knitting, baking, cooking, and other forms of creative housework.

5. Art. There are so many times my kids see a painting and show interest in it and I say "yeah. that IS pretty!" and let the moment go by. The Charlotte Mason method includes Picture Studies, and I will be doing more picture studies with the kids. Ditto for music, especially classical music.

6. Poetry. We already read a lot of poetry in the "Moral Compass" book we do for bedtime stories. But I'm going to add more purposeful poetry.

7. Bible. Again, we already do a lot of Bible reading! But Charlotte Mason teaches parents wonderfully easy scripture memorization ideas, and gives lots of advice for helping children get used to hearing Bible Stories in their original form, not dumbed down. I love that!

Happy schooling, mammas!