Morning thoughts on friendship

As the day begins I like to examine what's going on in my life. My two most quiet moments are at five when I get up to pray and at 7 when I put the kids down to sleep. Both are amazing--- my head is suddenly cleared of "stuff" and I experience absolutely blissful peace for a few blessed moments.

Because of my exploration of the Carmelite order, I've begun a heavy study of Carmelite books and topics. Yesterday came a few books I found online for around 99 cents, written by Carmelites about prayer and meditation. I began St Teresa of Avila's autobiography last night--- I'm only about 1/4 of the way into it and it's absolutely breathtaking. Tonight I will probably start over from the beginning because there is so much to chew on. My mother reminded me last night that there are several Carmelite aunts in the family. I'm looking forward to coming back into contact with them.

Wayne and I prayed a rosary together last night. Our prayer life together has deepened immensely. Praying the rosary with him turns us back into little children. It's different from our prayer lives as protestants, when he would lead and I would quietly listen and wait for a moment to participate. Now we both get on our knees side by side. We both come to the cross like little children, looking up to our Jesus in wonder and amazement. He is finding new ways of expressing his faith that were previously shut off to him. As I often mention, he is known for doing things like taking a vow not to cut his beard for a year, or going barefoot for the day, etc. Before, this made him eccentric and wierd. Now, it makes him following in the footsteps of holy men that have gone before him. He had never heard of St Francis before, and yet something of Franciscan spirituality lives in him. I have always seen it.
We sometimes pray the psalms together, or just sit in silence. It's been so good to come as equals before the cross... and not to be forced to play "grown up." It's what I was longing for when I wanted to leave the nondenominational scene--- the chance to just sit in wonder instead of to have all the answers. To sit quietly in a pew and not know every intimate detail of the people's lives sitting next to me. To connect on a personal level with God, corporately. Not that we couldn't do that there, but we felt stifled. We are experiencing freedom.


Something wierd is happening. My dear friend who left the LDS church after much coaxing and prayer on my part is now contemplating returning to such a worship setting. It's been on my mind constantly. I feel guilty for putting her through so much stuff. At the same time, I find connecting with her spiritually both exhilerating and encouraging-- she's my favorite person in the whole world.
She left the LDS church because , in the end, she believed it wasn't biblical. She started attending an emergent / modern church with charismatic overtones. She began to grow and be stretched but things were always hard for her--- and why? I used the example, when talking her through those moments, of the Catholic faith.
I told her how much I longed to worship in a Catholic setting, but how I simply could not because of the "unbiblical" factor. I sympathized. I agreed. I cried with her. I prayed for her. I knew only too well what she was going through.
She was the hardest person to tell that I was returning to the Catholic Church. Of course, I wasn't returning out of "desire." Had I been (and my husband been) one hundred percent certain that Catholicism was unbiblical, we would never have returned. But because we felt it was MORE biblical (looked more like a new testament church) than any other church on earth, we had to say "yes." We couldn't ignore what God was doing in us.
I am sure I was the hardest person for her to tell about her desire to return to the Mormon Church. And I can understand why.

I get those cravings for familiarity, structure, tradition. I understand the desire for a "unified" church in the sense we are used to. Both the Latter Day Saint Church and the Catholic Church are the two best organized structures in the entire world. They are fully functioning powerhouses of faith and social justice, authoritarian yet organic, unified, yet diverse. They have and use their assets to bring peace and justice to the world and glory to the Lord God in heaven. Their members are trained and encouraged to be instruments of charity to their communities. Their leaders are humble, focused on the important things, servants.
When I left the Catholic Church, I remember wishing that the Latter Day Saint church would be "true" so that I could go from one to the other seamlessly. While I loved the charismatic nature of nondenominational churches, I was often frustrated with the vagueness of foundational concepts like service, discipline, etc. It always felt very... every man for himself. I struggled to "hear God's voice" all the time for the little things. Like how I should pray, when I should pray, what I should pray. Like what modesty looked like, what a wife looked like, what a mother looked like. I struggled to hear how God would have me serve people, what he was calling me to do in my daily life. How I could be holy. Following Jesus isn't simple. We need practical suggestions to show us how to do it. But instead of getting "holy" suggestions, I felt I was always being fed "worldly" suggestions in the guise of holy suggestions. Holiness is fasting barefoot. Practical is a sermon called "Seven ways to get promoted." Holiness is giving your last potato and onion to make a casserole for someone in need. Practical is "Maximizing your potential." Holiness is kneeling. Practical is a sermon on "How to use your faith: a winner's perspective."

Anyways, I was hungry, and forever being spoon fed "simple" answers that led ultimately to pride in my personal life--- I knew the answer to everything. But somehow it missed my heart, even though I thought my heart was most affected!

Her return to the LDS Church, should it happen, is really interesting. She owns that it's a "her" thing and not a God thing. While she was certain God was leading her OUT of the church, she believes she is leading herself back there. I can understand so much of what she is going through, her disillusionment with the "truth" of nondenominational Christianity, and her frustration at just wanting to live a simple life, and love Jesus, and be a servant, and be holy.She doesn't want to be put in a situation to judge other people. She just wants to love them. She wants to be the best wife and mom she can be, but she feels stifled under the weigfht of the extrabiblical "picture" of a wife and mom she has been fed for these last few years.
I know her heart-- I know these are the things she seeks after.
Trouble is, she needs to be in an environment where she can thrive. And her current place is not that. Nor would be another protestant church--- she would face the same problems. Like me, she has been forever changed by the face of unity under one banner, and it is a beautiful picture.

This leaves me in a problematic situation. I still feel very strongly that the LDS church is full of heretical doctrine. I believe the same things about the "false" aspect of the LDS church that i did two, ten , and fifteen years ago. I dont think the PEOPLE of the Latter Day Saint church are evil, or wrong, in any way. I think they are victims of false doctrine. I do fear for the salvation of their souls. Over the course of my time with her, I've really branched out and reached out to many latter day saints in my community and in my family. I've reallytried to connect with them and understand so as to evaluate with a more "pure" demeanor what they are going through as members. And though I still feel they are victims of Satan's plan to divide and conquer, I have to say that I LOVE most mormons I know.
I say I fear for their salvation, but that doesn't mean that I think they don't genuinely love Jesus--- which is a perplexing quandry for a protestant, who will wring her hands and pray for SALVATION. As a Catholic, I can look at them and simply pray for mercy. I dont have to evangelize them. I dont even have to tell them "how" to be saved. I can simply BE Jesus to them, just like I can to everyone else.

My church is fundamentally at odds with the LDS Church, because both claim to be "THE" Church. They cannot both be correct. My church accepts the baptisms of it's members in all Christian faith traditions but Mormon. Mormons are asked to be re-baptized, mostly because of the difference in doctrine revolving around "original sin" and the purpose of baptism. Thus, I will find myself, next year, once again theologically at odds with a girl who my heart and head connect with more than virtually any person I've come into contact with.

This thought weighed heavily on me last night. When she was a Mormon and I was a Christian, we still managed to meet somewhere and grow. We managed to fellowship on a profound level. I never expect that to change. It made people very uncomfortable, for "What fellowship has light with darkness?"
On the other hand, even AS a mormon, she demonstrated a deep relationship with the Jesus Christ of the Bible that few people I've encountered ever have had. She showed me true repentance, true contrition, true sorrow for her sins, a true desire for godliness and a true love of her Savior. I learned about the Love of God through her... and most of my friends thought she certainly was not "saved."

I thought about how, as a Catholic, I view the LDS Church now. It's like going to the coffee shop the other day for my monthly French Club meeting, where French people from all walks of life in the area gather. A French Canadian woman showed up. Certainly, we could communicate, well and better than the southerners sitting next to us. I thought about the people listening who might want to learn French.
I imagined some of them would go to Canada, because it's closer phsyically and culturally to what they are used to. Certainly, they could learn the language, learn the culture, and be a part of the French community. But it would never be the same as springing for a trip TO France. Nothing could beat learning the language and culture from the original source of the language and the original source of the culture. If I had to choose between the two, I would choose going to France, because I would be certain that everything I learned would be correct, authentic, and REALLY French.
Even French Canadians, who obviously LOVE their own culture and are proud of their homes and lifestyles.... still have a deep reverence for and a desire to draw closer to their own heritage... to their own FRENCHNESS.
In some ways, they have altered the language to suit their needs. They have set themselves at odds against real frenchness by doing so. And in doing so, they have become proud-- that their Frenchness is JUST as authentic and "real" as French frenchness. Except that it isnt.... there is only one real, true, and authentic Frenchness.

That is exactly how I see the LDS Church in light of my Catholicity now. I can understand the culture, the "language," the attraction. I can appreciate so much of it and really enjoy the fellowship. But I am SO glad to be Catholic, because I am so glad to have the stamp of "true" authority and "true" tradition according to the history of the Church and ultimately, to the gospel. I love being a part of the "original" deal, the unchanging truth, yet ever growing in my understanding of it. It's a source of great joy for me. I don't think I could be satisfied with something that evolved from it. I love to know that when I worship, I am doing what people have done since Jesus Christ Himself.

I look forward to learning more and more about this great God we all serve. I am looking forward to being a part of this girl's life as she grows in Him, as well as in my husband's life, my children's life, and my friends' and family's life. I am finally able to learn from people of all walks of life, in all places. I can see the face of Christ as much in my sister in law, who I always thought I couldn't learn anything from, as I can in my priest, as I can in my neighbor. I can see the face of Christ in the muslim family down the street, in the pagans who live around the corner, in the Evangelical woman who works on her garden every day, in the He is everywhere, teaching me.