Normal

A long time ago, I read a book that changed my life. It was called "Girl, Interrupted," by Susanna Kaysen, and most of you have at least heard of the film by the same title. The book's profound influence on me began because it was the true story of a young girl who was institutionalized for her eccentricities. When I read it, totally unaware that I would one day be diagnosed myself with BPD, I was floored by the cloudy "reality" that had descended on this soul based on other people's perceptions of normality.
Susanna Kaysen was a normal girl--- a girl with a lot of heartache for her young age, and girl who had been exposed to too much, too soon. A sensitive. A girl who bore the weight of the sin in the world on her heart. She reminded me so much at the time of the extremely uncouth Ani Difranco lyrics that speak volumes to me everytime I hear them: "You know, my c*nt is built like a wound that wont heal/ and now you don't have to ask because you know how I feel..."
The thing that struck me the most about this girl was not that her life was so much like mine, but rather that in her unending quest for healing, she found herself time and again faced with the advice of an orderly when she asked what it would take to get her out of the looney bin. "Honey," the woman told her. "only YOU can get yourself out of here."
It dawned on me at that time that there was a key in that--- that mental illness takes victims, but that its victims have to willingly submit to its plans for their lives. You see, each of the characters in this story had one thing in common: they were crazy. But the dividing line between them was simple: some of them gave in. And some of them fought with everything they had.
I remember reading her description of her thoughts about her body, and thinking how much I could relate. I remember her talking about her thoughts about the tongue. "Which brings us to the tongue. We've been here before, and it's bad. WHy is it so big?" etc etc. I remember thinking "call the whitecoats! If this is all it takes to be crazy, I am SO there."
Borderline Personality Disorder is like that. It is normal, with a twist. It is self destructive and violent, but only when you let it.
I wasn't really diagnosed with Borderline until I had been through my "torture" events in the US army, when they had used every psychological and physical means at their disposal to break me.They prevented me from eating and sleeping and going to church. They wouldn't let me wash my clothes and gave me hours upon hours of mindless repetetive details. They lied to me all day long about who I was and what was happening to me. They played games with my mind, probing for weakness. They isolated me from everyone and took my sheets and bedding so that all I had to sleep on was the floor.
In those days, the line for me between sanity and insanity was so thin that they recommended hospitalization and medication. I could have BECOME Susanna Kaysen. And yet I had Jesus--- something Susanna lacked. And because of Jesus it didn't take pills and restraints to calm me down. Prayer and a Word was all I needed to get up and walk. Since those days I've had relatively few "episodes." And when I do, I've noticed, they always come when I am under spiritual attack.
Spiritual attack has a lot to do with insanity, I've noticed.
I read in the Bible how Jesus cast demons out of epileptics, people with fevers, and people who were obviously mentally unstable. I think about how these days, we "medicate" everyone for everything. Science has found reasons for things we used to explain with evil spirits--- for example, night terrors. It is common knowledge that night terrors happen because a certain part of our brain is activated during a sleep cycle, etc. We even have medication that puts that part of the brain into a type of sleep. And yet science can never tell us WHY these things occur.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder because I have a chemical imbalance in my brain which was activated by environmental factors. In my family, this same chemical imbalance has appeared under the guise of depression, post traumatic stress disorder, bipolar I, borderline, and now alzheimers. It's underlying characteristic that is and has been commonly shared by many members of my bloodline is a bitterness, unforgiveness, and fear that permeates our existence. I know that to many, it wont make sense to say that a chemical imbalance can have a "personality," but I'm telling you that I SEE these things plain as day in my interactions with them and in myself. I believe, and the Bible backs me up in this, that sins are passed down as a heritage. But so can our blessings in the Lord. Children of abuse victims become abusers themselves. Children of alcoholics have alcohol problems. Children of drug addicts are born addicted to drugs. These things are "Scientific" and "natural" yes, but they are a result of the fallen world.

It is not an accident that borderline personality disorder, for example, involves things like identity crises, impulsive behavior, self mutilating or suicidal behavior, mood instability, chronic feelings of emptiness, and severe dissociation.
Satan does not want me to know my true identity: that I am a child of God. And so he gives me an indentity crisis. He does not want me to do what is best and good for myself, and so he gives me impulsive, destructive behavior. He does not want me to be saved, and so he gives me suicidal behavior. He wants me to suffer, and so I am given self mutilation. He does not want me to "remain firm in the Lord" and to experience peace, and so he gives me confusion and mood swings. He does not want me to experience the fullness of the Holy Spirit, and so he gives me feelings of emptiness. And on and on it goes.
It is not an accident that while therapy and medication for BPD is relatively low in success, those BPD patients who turn to strong faith in the Lord find relief from their symptoms. Jesus HEALS BPD perfectly because it is from the Evil One.

Am I saying that mental illness, in fact, is caused by supernatural rather than natural phenomena? No. I am saying that for every natural reality there is a supernatural underlying reality.
If I have sex while I am ovulating on my peak day, then that sex will result in a baby. That is a natural reality. And yet behind that natural reality is an infant that God is knitting together in my womb, whose plans the Lord knows.

the line between psychology and demonology is so thin that on most days I can hardly tell the difference. I am simultaneously fascinated by and disgusted by psychology as an area of study. I love to look at the patterns in all of these mental illnesses, and correlations, and reasons, but I cannot stand how sterile the psychologist's mindset is. Void completely of any spirituality, psychology seems empty to me-- and yet it can be so rich when combined with godly wisdom and discernment, rich enough to have those answers we seek so much.

Lately, God has surrounded me with crazy people-- and yet there's nothing crazy about them! These people are so normal it's painful to me that they have accepted a "diagnosis" and resigned themselves to it--- particularly because they are all strong believers! Satan probes us for weaknesses when we become a threat to his kingdom of destruction, and one of the easiest ways is to convince us that he knows who we "really" are. A diagnosis of mental illness often comes as a relief to people-- like: "Ok, this isn't normal, but thank God there are other people out there like me and I'm going to know how to survive this." But what I want to say to people is that the LORD knows your heart. He knows your strengths and weaknesses, and before we turn to medications and to therapy, we should turn our lives completely over to Him and say.... Lord, take all that I am. After all, He is the healer!

In deliverance ministry, we come across people all the time who have deeply psychological problems. And yet there are spiritual answers. We can look at people who are "Textbook cases" and immediately find answers and solutions. And yet we forget how crafty Satan is and how easily he lies, because it is his nature. Things are never as they seem. There is nothing simple about psychiatry and there is nothing simple about demonology-- and yet both are under the Lordship of Jesus Christ, both work together in the way that theology and philosophy go together.

Each person I encounter who needs deliverance or has needed deliverance, like myself, suffered from a multitude of psychological "abnormalities" and issues. And yet, I have NEVER in my life met a person who was 100 percent " normal." Well adjusted, sure. But normal? What is normal? In the human experience, normality is as varied as skin tone and texture in God's creatures.

In the last few months of exposure to persons who were deeply disturbed in both a psychological and a spiritual sense, I have found only one commonality--- Jesus can heal every wound, and make every dark place light. When demons attack, it is scarring not just on a physical and emotional level but on a much deeper level as well. They infiltrate your thoughts. They can control your mind. For deeply possessed persons, the only thing you have to hang on to-- the thing that makes you YOU-- is your will. And it is the will that holds the key to the problem. Whether you believe you are mentally ill because you are demonically possessed, or you believe you are mentally ill because you have a natural, chemical imbalance, the key to your survival is to exercise your will.

Armed with this knowledge and ready to fight, I rose this morning to awaken the dawn. My thoughts were turned to the battle raging against the Church---- how stormy skies overshadow the sacred treasures of our faith in modern culture, and how easily we can be distressed at what a good job Satan is doing at attacking all that is right, true, and just. And when we have that discernment, it is so devastating to watch our brothers and sisters in the faith allow themselves to be deceived. Heartbreaking.

I woke up and read a few articles demonstrating how the Church was under attack. I went to prayer, and read today's gospel, which was the story of the apostles in the boat in the storm, and Jesus who rebuked the storm and chided them for losing faith.
Peter's little boat, the Church, must have this faith and will survive. Darkness FLEES the light.


In continuing this theme, Mass was phenomenal today.

It opened with a hymn based on Psalm 18:2 that talked about the battle between good and evil. Every psalm, prayer and scripture mentioned the Evil One by name, and warned of his intent against the Church. And when God was done hammering us as a whole, He used Father's homily to hammer us individually and to convict anyone present to pursue a life of holiness. The responsorial psalm wooed us:

"And if today, you hear His voice, harden not your hearts."

The Lord met us in the Eucharist, where my missal reminded me that God is "glorious in heaven, all-powerful on earth and terrible in hell; but in the blessed eucharist He is mild, consoling, sweet, and liberal (without end).... Ah, what can He refuse us, when He has given us Himself?"