Habit building

I wanted to share this wonderful resource. It's a blog written by a friend of mine, and while the entire thing is a priceless treasure, this particular post will be of interest to so many Charlotte Mason educators. It talks about the spiritual side of habit training, and I think you will be blessed.

Supposedly it takes 21 days to form a new habit, although I believe this is a myth.  However long it takes, we all know it takes repetition.  We all have bad habits, and hopefully we all have some good ones, too, like brushing our teeth.
It’s been brought to my attention through various sources that I have a tendency to be critical and opinionated.  I tell myself, “don’t be critical, don’t be critical, don’t be critical.”  It seems the more I try to NOT be critical and opinionated, the more I find myself slipping into that place.  Why is that?  The Bible gives us the answer in the book of Romans (ch. 7).... Read more.

Review: Laying Down the Rails for Children

My copy of Laying Down the Rails for Children arrived yesterday and I am so happy I could just melt.
I do believe it was only a few days ago that I posted a blog bemoaning the fact that it took a lot of legwork to get habit training going in any kind of an intellectual manner. I have to research and pre-read the stories I plan to use to illustrate the habit we are studying.
I have to come up with games and ideas.

The complete set of books.

The checklist in the back of "laying down the rails."

My habit-learners

The book "Laying Down the Rails" has served as inspiration and as a checklist for what I should be doing as a parent, but not necessarily as a curriculum. And yet as I have worked with it over the years and explored other habit-training curricula, I've been constantly drawn back to it for so many different reasons, chief among which is that it truly is the most faithful to CM, faithful to my ideas about morals, religion, the intellectual life, physical health, etc. It is very complete.

The new books are a set of two, covering ALL of the habits mentioned by CM in her own books. The first page for each habit is a series of fill-in-the-blank type lines that ask questions about where to go for inspiration. They are useful for brainstorming ideas.
After that are some lesson plans that include stories, games, ideas, and poems. It's perfect, and exactly what I had been doing, only basically done for me... which means it will be worth it to you if your time is worth some money, and not if you prefer to keep the money and spend the time.

A way to use it is just to spend a month on each habit. Going down the checklist, pick habits you know you need to start with, and then just attack them.

The new books COULD serve as a stand-alone, although they do refer to the original book for definitions of habits, etc. I strongly recommend getting and using both! Enjoy

The Habit of Attention

The habit of attention has come up often, lately.

Insofar as it is useful to us to teach our children the habit of attention so that their schoolwork does not suffer, it is understandable that Charlotte Mason would have considered it one of the top three habits to instill.
With it, our children will not dawdle or waste time during lessons. They will read for instruction the first time. They will know how to obey and follow directions. They will make the necessary connections and become keen observers. They will self-educate, which is our goal, after all.

Lately, though, I have witnessed ways in which a life lacking the habit of attention is detrimental in other ways, both to the person living it and to the people who must share the planet with him.
There is a lot of talk about attention deficit disorder, for example, and many distressed parents of medicated children with ADD/ADHD diagnoses who are difficult to handle both in class and at home.

I've always been somewhat skeptical of ADD/ADHD claims because I'm from a country that doesn't really acknowledge its existence. (For more on that, see a great article here.)

I am often struck by the truthfulness of the above-linked article when I compare my experiences growing up in France and the average American experience of most children. In France, we had routine, we had order, we had plentiful time outdoors and excellent food. We took our time to do everything (to eat, to sleep, and to work.) Here everyone appears to rush around incessantly and then collapse and medicate from the stress.
Whereas French babies enjoyed long nature walks, American babies are almost immediately plopped into any number of gadgets or toys that soothe or entertain.

Most moms I know don't believe me when I tell them that my children have virtually NO battery operated toys, and that my infants have only a bed and a pack and play. I've even struggled with the idea myself.... believing that it would be much easier to have these objects to entertain my little ones, even using them from time to time. This latest baby, our fourth, however, has not at all had the luxury of experiencing these things. In fact, I set her down inside a baby bouncer  the other day at  a friend's house and realized that-- at ten months-- it was the first time she was having the experience of "plastic play."

"What do you do with them all day?" People ask me, incredulous, trying to imagine a world in which there are no baby swings, entertainment centers, floor mats, and jumpers.
And yet-- that world is out there. And it is glorious!

Below is an interesting link which demonstrates how using Charlotte Mason's ideas can help cure the ADD/ADHD epidemic (one which, in cultures that value outdoor time and face-to-face conversation, is far less concerning.)

A Cure for ADHD? from Media Talk 101 on Vimeo.


It goes without saying that the amount of screen time our children get and the quality of the books they read, as well as their environment (slow paced, peaceful lifestyle vs modern rushing from place to place) also plays a part. (See: Captivated.) Obviously, these things have an effect.

But even this-- a medicated child, a child with challenges focusing--- well, it doesn't seem like the complete end of the world, does it? I mean, there are lots of people out there who genuinely struggle with the habit of attention and who are doing just fine in other ways, right?

But there is also another element to the habit of attention and it's necessity that pops up in my house all the time.

 You see, my husband is a firefighter, and his job is to rush into danger.
While we are home, and he is at work, my children and I are praying for his safety every moment. Our hearts skip a beat when we hear sirens go by and a tweet or news alert in my inbox can send me over the edge. A phone call late at night when he is on shift, or a car near our driveway, can set our hearts aflutter.

Some of the kinds of things my husband might do on any given regular workday includes putting out fires and going in to rescue people trapped inside, going on rescue missions when people are lost or missing, and going to the scenes of accidents, emergencies, explosions, or bouts of domestic violence or terrorism. When he goes there, he will almost always find a chaotic scene waiting for him. Ash, blood, bone, guts, burning flesh, urine, feces, and vomit are the substances he works with daily. Fear, terror, anger, and unthinkable violence are emotions he encounters often at work.
It's a stressful, heartbreaking kind of job for him, but not for those reasons.
It is hard for him because there's another kind of emotion he encounters almost daily: apathy. And he can't stand it.

Apathy, and inattention, are the source of many situations our emergency personnel face daily. Inattention (either neglectful or intentional) cause personal injuries, accidents, fires, and other endangerments too numerous to mention. In fact, hardly a day goes by that our family doesn't hear, upon his return home from a shift, of a story or situation that he was sent in to help at where the source of the problem was someone's inattention.

He will tell you, and so will I, that we embrace Charlotte's emphasis on attention because (a) a child cannot obey if s/he doesn't know what to do, (b) a child cannot tell the truth if s/he doesn't know what the truth is, exactly, and (c) inattention is a great evil--- it's the opposite of diligence, and akin to ingratitude.

So what are some ways to build the habit of attention? Here are some ideas that have worked for us (and it does help, we are convinced, that we started young. My oldest, who I really hammered with this habit, is capable of pointing out the most minute details, finds bird's nests in the most astonishing places, etc.)

1. Frequently point out the results of inattention,  or better yet--  let the child discover them.
2. Do nature study often.
3. Train through games ("what did you see?" "which hand is it in?")
4. Unplug. Turn off anything with a screen and get outside (CM recommended 4-6 hours PER DAY.)
5. Allow natural consequences.
6. Go back and read Charlotte herself on this habit.

Charlotte's ideas revolved around encouraging the child to use his will to develop the habit of attention, intentionally.

Let him know what the real difficulty is, how it is the nature of his mind to be incessantly thinking, but how the thoughts, if left to themselves, will always run off from one thing to another, and that the struggle and the victory required of him is to fix his thoughts upon the task at hand

Be on the watch from the beginning against the formation of the contrary habit of inattention

It is the mother’s part to supplement the child’s quick observing faculty with the habit of attention. She must see to it that he does not flit from this to that, but looks long enough at one thing to get a real acquaintance with it.
The mother will contrive ways to invest every object in the child’s world with interest and delight.
Even the child who has gained the habit of attention to things, finds words a weariness.

UH OH. Stop there. Did you catch that? Moms, are we talking TOO much?? Are we-- gasp--- nagging?

Instead, establish a time-table (schedule)

Never let the child dawdle over copybook or sum.. when a child grows stupid over a lesson, it is time to put it away. Let him do another lesson as unlike the last as possible, and then go back with freshened wits to the unfinished task.
The child knows what he has to do and how long each lesson is to last. This idea of definite work to be finished in a given time is valuable to the child, not only as training him in habits of order, but in diligence.

Second, use her method of short, focused lessons in which perfect execution is the standard.

Lessons are short, seldom more than twenty minutes in length for children under eight; and this for two or three reasons. The sense that there is not much time for his sums or his reading, keeps the child’s wits on the alert and helps to fix his attention; he has time to learn just so much of any one subject as it is good for him to take in at once: and if the lessons be judiciously alternated- sums first, say while the brain is quite fresh; then writing, or reading-some more or less mechanical exercise, by way of a rest; and so on, the program varying a little from day to day, but the same principle throughout- a ‘thinking’ lesson first, and a ‘painstaking’ lesson to follow,- the child gets through his morning lessons without any sign of weariness.

Third , remember that the secret to habits is motivation and repetition.

Reward the child for attention-- with the natural consequence: leisure time.

A further stimulus may be necessary to secure the attention of the child... in the shape of a reward to secure his utmost efforts...they should be the natural consequences of his good conduct.
Of work done well & quickly....the enjoyment of ample leisure 

and allow natural consequences to be a punishment of their own, as well.

There is a law by which all rewards and punishments should be regulated: they should be the natural, or at any rate, the relative consequences of conduct; should imitate, as nearly as may be without injury to the child, the treatment which such and such conduct deserves and receives in after life.
She must consider with herself what fault of disposition the child’s misbehavior springs from; she must aim her punishment at that fault, and must brace herself to see her child suffer present loss for his lasting gain.

Then repeat, repeat, repeat, and repeat again, without nagging.

In my family, we set aside a time for studying virtue and good habits-- We select one a month to focus on, and then we hammer it.... telling stories that teach  it, demonstrating it in nature when we see it, and reading about saints who carefully cultivated it.

Paying attention saves lives, saves relationships, saves academics. It's so worth it.

Laying down our own rails.

On Character building and habit study and... husbands.

Once every week for some time now, during our catechism lessons,  I have built into our schedule a section of time to study a habit or character quality (a virtue, if you will).

Usually I pick a habit we are going to work on, I find a story that demonstrates a practical application, I pick out a memory verse or two, and look for some opportunities in our day to encourage it... and basta. Takes five minutes.
Seems simple enough, but in reality it has caused me great anguish in my lesson planning. It's a short lesson, but long on preparation! How I have longed for a ready-made habits curriculum!

For one thing, I'm a die-hard Charlotte Mason follower, as you know, and she listed fifty odd habits throughout her works that she found worthy of emphasis. I've gone through several times now and coded bible verses to these habits, read and re-read and used ideas from my favorite, worn-out manual of habits training: "Laying Down the Rails." I use it, but it's all kind of a mess in my head.... each week I have to pull from many different sources to do something very simple-- teach a habit.

There is currently no real habit- training curriculum out there I could substitute in it's place that's as thorough as this one.

And though Laying Down the Rails is epic, it isn't a curriculum. And as such, some part of it frustrates me because it does not contain lesson plans or even a simple format. It's more like a series of meditations for the person intending to instill the habits in another or in themselves, none of which is practical for me in a setting with small children. I use it every day, but my children haven't yet really reaped the benefits of it.

So, my solution for practicality has always been the Duggar's Character Quality Chart, a pdf I've seen wandering around the internets.
I've used it for many years, one character quality at a time, doing memory work or just sharing stories about the qualities.

Yesterday, I was reading a thread in a Catholic Homeschooling mother blog that really offended me, in which a group of women thought it was somehow encouraging to dump on each other's (and their own) husbands. Don't get me started on how common of a mindset I have found that to be among American Catholic women. o.O

Anyways, it reminded me that I just never, ever, EVER want to be like  that. That I really want to honor and respect and serve my husband. And let him lead!

I've always found a few of the Gothard definitions of these character qualities kind of ... off.  And I realized I'd never checked in with my husband about them.

So without a second thought, I printed it up, and marched upstairs to his office real quick with my Character Quality chart, and asked him what the thought about it to use as a formal "curriculum."

He didn't even look at it. Hah!

My husband is always telling me that there is no need to re-invent the wheel, and he is so right!

He maintained that as we taught them philosophy (and learned ourselves), we would find these habits becoming naturally instilled in them-- and us. He also maintained that there was no better way than a hands on object lesson- often found in nature- to do so. "That's the advantage a homeschool has over a normal school," said my husband, who has never read a word of Charlotte Mason's other than the ones I shove under his nose repeatedly. " Remember that if you tell them, they will hear it, and if you show them, they will understand it-- but if you let them do it, they will remember it. You have the opportunity throughout the day to help them do that and learn these things. Especially outside."
"Quit having a committee about this stuff," he said to me. "YOU need to learn the virtues. Then you will be able to teach them."

And wouldn't you know it--- Charlotte Mason had already "told" me this in Volume 2, pp. 182, 183:

“Object-lessons should be incidental; and this is where the family enjoys so great an advantage over the school. It is almost impossible that the school should give any but set lessons; but this sort of teaching in the family falls in with the occurrence of the object. The child who finds that wonderful and beautiful object, a ‘paper’ wasp’s nest, attached to a larch-twig, has his object-lesson on the spot from father or mother”

And this:

“Our constant care must be to secure that they do look, and listen, touch, and smell; and the way to this is by sympathetic action on our part: what we look at they will look at; the odours we perceive, they, too, will get” (Vol. 2, pp. 192, 193).

And this:

“The mother cannot devote herself too much to this kind of reading, not only that she may read tit-bits to her children about matters they have come across, but that she may be able to answer their queries and direct their observation” (Vol. 1, pp. 64, 65).

All this left me thinking I just needed to be more focused myself on learning the habits (like... perhaps... by reading about them, as my husband and CM suggested?  Yes, from Socrates, and Aristotle... and Maybe even in Laying Down the Rails?)

I needed to do better with not just SENDING them outside to do nature study but doing it with them myself. Baby and all! Ditto for being with them as they did their chores, cleaned themselves up, etc.

AND I needed to remember that that five minutes spent in a formal "lesson" needn't be mind-numbing memory work, but instead should contain a quick story, passage, or discussion to fit with the lessons we meet in nature or around the house. Something to inspire in them the desire to achieve habit mastery. Something which I myself understood well, so that I would be able to teach it well.

Some of you may want to check out this new publication from the makers of Laying Down the Rails to do just that. Yep, unbelievable as it may seem--- an email announcing it's availability just popped into my inbox as I was writing this blog post!

Can't wait for mine to get here. ;)

Planning Days

When I think about planning, my main goal is to keep it simple.

Trouble is... I enjoy planning. Probably a little too much!

While spending time doing homeschool planning is something I enjoy, it's not something I need to do too much of at this stage in life when I'm juggling school for the kids, school for myself, the demands of home life, of caring for my sick father in law, of and marriage and parenthood with young children. I could spend all day immersed in my lists, but at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is what I did, not what I planned.

So if you're like me, you'll need a system...and  here's how I have worked it out.

Just like staying organized or clean or growing in prayer, homeschool planning requires regular time and attention.

The formula I have used this year is super simple, but it works really well and I hope to stick to it in following years. I have each of these scheduled into my calendar as much as possible.... with the only ones I've slacked in being co-op, and that's for a good reason (babies! Ah!!!)
By next year I hope to have co-op days regularly scheduled each month as well.

YEARLY
1 yearly curriculum review and planning retreat day (full day with goal setting, curriculum selection and review, evaluation of the previous year, checking in with those pesky govt. requirements etc.)
2 bi-annual philosophy/method retreat days (one in the spring and one in the fall, preferably with like-minded friends and family. Some people go to conventions.... I like to get together and dig in with friends and hear what they are up to, and pray together.)

MONTHLY
1 monthly evaluation session (as easy as ten minutes with a cup of coffee & a notebook on the deck) that includes a one-subject review (for example, focusing on history, or math)
1 monthly method session (studying CM, praying, and chatting with husband or friends)
2 bi-monthly co-op days (I do mine on first and third Fridays.. or will when we get back in gear here.)

WEEKLY
1 weekly lesson planning day (I do mine on Sunday evenings and love it that way)
At least 1 weekly blog post or journal entry about the journey

DAILY
1 morning check-in with my CM study group on facebook for info/inspiration and a prayer covering.
1 evening check-in with my notes for the following day.

That's it!
It's enough to satisfy my inner love of list-making and book-reviewing and coffee with friends, while making sure to keep me on track. It's also enough to make sure I'm on top of my goals, enough to make sure my kids don't come to the table in the morning and find me empty handed.... and enough to ensure we are always growing and learning in Charlotte's methods and ideas and doing our part to share them with others.

If you have a system that works for you, I'd love to hear about it!

When husbands won't lead.

An old pastor of mine used to say: "you can't follow a parked car."
It's true-- leaders need to be going somewhere.
He gave me this advice in the context of preparing for marriage, as I went about my way looking for "the one" that God would give me. He warned me to stay away from those parked cars, and to pray for one who was moving. Fast. Towards Godliness, he told me, and not destruction.
I took that advice. In fact, I might have taken it too well. The man I married in the end is such a strong leader I have a hard time keeping up!! But don't think that means I have it easy-- men with naturally commanding personalities have their own challenges. ;)

One of the most common questions I hear wives discuss is the question of what to do when men won't lead. We understand our role relatively well. We believe we are willing, and we wait for opportunities to provide our helpful role. And we wait. And we wait. And we wait! If that sounds like you-- know that you are not alone. Women everywhere are sitting and praying and waiting for their husbands to take charge.

In my experience, that's where the trouble starts. You see, most of the time when I've been in this situation, I have waited, and waited, and waited. And grown impatient. And frustrated. Bitterness and resentment and --gasp-- disrespect have begun to rear their head. And yet: here's the kicker. He actually HAS been leading. Just not where I want to follow. He is giving me clear directions and distinct signs. He is doing things in a way that could not be more obvious. And yet I miss it, because I'm so focused on him leading me where I want to go that I miss his actual leadership-- and then blame him, pretending like he isn't going anywhere "good," or anywhere at all. Ahhh, sin.

Now, there are husbands who won't lead in any area--- they won't work, or won't make decisions, and they struggle. And these issues are more common than they should be. And I believe that any of us wives, even those of us with strong leadership-oriented husbands, have times when we experience this because-- guess what--- we married sinners. And sinners sin, and from time to time, they struggle. The nature of our culture and the messages out there in the secular world given to men ensure that men will battle in their minds with their vocation to lead. Apathy is a plague in our society, and the reasons for it should be glaringly obvious to any Christian. Real progress in any domain takes hard work, and we've all heard the old adage: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

A husband going through this kind of imitation-husbandry, when he plays the part of a husband but doesn't actually do the work it takes to provide for, protect, and serve his family needs encouragement and inspiration to step back into the fight. (or into it for the first time.) The film Courageous is a resource that addresses this in a beautiful way, and if you haven't seen it, I strongly recommend that you watch it. Don't be sneaky and try to get your husband to watch it when he doesn't want to. Watch it yourself, maybe watch it with your kids, and ask yourself what it will take to get your particular man motivated. Then pray, and get ready for your miracle. It won't be the first-- God is able to help your husband. Ask the Holy Spirit for advice in this area. Read your Bible for inspiration.

These struggles can be frustrating, but there is one area a man often won't lead that really tends to crush his Christian wife... That area is in spirituality. Almost every Christian woman I know either has-- or wants very much-- a man who does a few simple things. They are:

1. Lead the family in morning and evening devotions
2. Attend church and worship with the family
3. Have a regular habit of prayer and bible study

I would probably add a fourth-- every woman I know wants a man who has strong moral character. A man who is trying to improve himself and to seek God's will for himself and his family.

In fact, let's start in reverse. A man who is trying to improve himself and seek God's will -- is a man with a relationship with God. But that relationship, if it is real, will bear fruit in the form of religious habits which keep him disciplined and in spiritual shape. these will naturally spill out into his family. We all know how important these habits are for ourselves. We desire to see our husbands doing them, and doing them MORE than ourselves.

I will go so far as to say that a man who externally-- through his job or status, adherence to a religious affiliation, partnerships with Christian men, whatever-- "acts" like a Christian but does not lead his family in their faith is in sin. But I will also go so far as to say that a woman who does not look for, notice, and actively follow her husband's cues, as subtle as they might be, in this area, is also in sin. In other words-- get that plank outta your own eye first.

In the end, though, a man should be leading his family, starting with himself,  a wife should be an inspiring and good-bearing helpmeet, and a Christian family should have a strong and vibrant faith life.

So what if that's not what you have? 

A few things I've noticed about my own marriage in this area. Because yes, even my Mr. Command-Man (to use a term coined by Debi Pearl in Created to be His Helpmeet) sometimes struggles in leading his family spiritually, and sometimes I struggle in following his spiritual leadership.

Consider his spiritual background.
My husband comes from a long line of hypocrites. In his family life growing up, everyone called themselves Christians, poopooed all non-Christians, spoke Christian-ese, and went to Church religiously. BUT they argued and yelled the whole way to church, never had family devotions, ripped out and threw away every religious article that interested their kids that wasn't in line with their fundamentalist mindset, talked one way and acted another, got divorced, got remarried, got divorced, over and over to different people, beat their kids on the way to bible study,  abandoned their kids when they were most in need, etc. Whenever my husband's dad sat down to read the Bible, an argument would break out. By some miracle, through Grace alone-- he came out of that a Christian. But can you imagine the feelings he has associated with "religious" behavior?

Now your husband may not have had the same experiences, but consider his background when you are looking at the issue. What feelings and ideas might he associate with the types of activities you are hoping to see? How can you help him to change those and should you? Does he get a better sense of things by association with other families? By praying through and for healing in family relationships that were broken by this type of behavior? By attending a faith sharing group where these types of things are addressed? By reading a good book? Whatever it might be, there is an answer here. Somewhere, some how, he has negative associations with family devotions, because it's not like he hasn't heard about them.

Or perhaps he has NO concept of family devotions. His family didn't have them growing up and he wouldn't even know where to start or what it means. Perhaps he thinks its corny or artificial and would rather just "be good and do good." Exposure to the concept or idea, or simply starting some with your children and allowing him the freedom to participate as he desires without judging him or holding him accountable will certainly encourage him. God Himself holds your husband accountable for his behavior and habits around his wife and around his children. He doesn't need a harpie flying around reminding him of his shortcomings. He needs to see his wife and kids enjoying family devotions and to think--- I need that. I want to be a part of that.It is God's KINDNESS that leads us to repentance. (Romans 2:4)

Consider his manhood.
My husband is a man of action. One thing he cannot stand is what he calls "having a committee." This is what he says when he sees me start to sit down and plan and structure how to do every little thing from grocery shopping to family devotions to family events. He thinks much time is wasted on the planning part that could be more efficiently used in the doing part-- not that planning is bad, but that OVER planning, over thinking, over discussing, etc is a female-ish activity that needs squelching in his environment. While there are some areas I think these activities are useful, it is true that in the past, he has often exposed my weakness of overplanning and underacting. I like to think about and idealize events, activities and relationships, but not to do the hard work that it takes to make them happen. This is something I've been working on, with some degree of success, for years.

As a man, he takes everything seriously and means what he says. When he speaks, there are clues and points in there for me to pick up on. I need to listen. He doesn't like to repeat himself. And when he acts, he has thought it out, even if I haven't seen the process or it wasn't done the way I would have done it.

In other words-- and this is MY family, yours might be different-- there is no need to have a committee about everything. Instead, we go by his motto: "do good. be good."
My husband is a man, like all men he DOES express himself, albeit in a way that is different to what I'm accustomed to. Instead of doubting him or myself or falling prey to my emotions or ideas, I can listen to what he is saying. He means what he says.

Another thing he has often pointed out to me when I have lamented his "lack of leadership" in the spiritual area is that women are more emotionally driven than men. Call it a stereotype if you will, I call it a reality. We speak different languages.
Which then means that when I pray and speak to God, I give and receive a certain amount of emotional  communication. My praise and worship is filled with language that evokes particular feelings and emotions. My supplications are wrought with words that imply deep, longing needs. I cry and laugh and raise my hands and stomp my feet. That is me being real with God. And I am often thinking he isn't being real with God himself--- or that I don't see him "enjoying" the same type of relationship with God as I have. It has bothered me in the past.

When my husband speaks to God-- He is speaking to His heavenly father. And just as between fathers and sons deep exchanges are possible with a few respectful words, that is HIM being real with God. When I desire long, lengthy bible studies where we get to talk about how a passage makes us feel, and instead he gives me a brief, stern lecture on how a passage should have changed my life... I've learned to be filled with gratitude. Change, after all, is the point. Not good feelings. All the fun bible study ideas and bibley activities in the world aren't worth a dang if they don't change us.If my husband is a man of few words, who means what he says, he is going to bring the change and leave the ooey gooey behind. And I married him, so I accept that. In fact, over time I have come to very much appreciate and be grateful for his lack of sugar coating things. I can always count on him to tell me the truth in any situation. That is a blessing to me.

And lest you think I'm suggesting that a lack of compassion is a good thing, consider that a real man often is moved specifically BY his compassion. We, the "weaker sex" are so easily swayed this way and that and in so much need of their stability and solid framework.

Consider his precedent.
My husband says that great men almost always have rotten sons. This is something he prays about and guards against... because he desires BOTH to be a great man of God and to raise great men of God. We've seen the precedent throughout history-- through the PK (pastor's kids) phenomenon, for example, or through the sad heritage of the great men's sons who have paraded through our history books.
One thing we have noticed is that when men become pre-occupied with their OWN greatneess, it's a slippery slope downwards. My husband loves ash wednesday, when the priest traces an ashy cross on his forehead and tells him that he is dust, and to dust he shall return. Pride is often our greatest downfall, both  for husbands and wives. Even for parents-- as it prevents us from hearing our children and building a relationship with them and instead causes rifts and deep wounds. He believes that the most important thing a man can do is embrace his God-given vocation: the three part triangle which has for points his marriage, his fatherhood, and his work. If he is a man who has begun to make progress in the area of leadership where he hadn't been before, or whose wife is FINALLY beginning to make attempts to follow his leadership, it is clear that pride is the next enemy to overcome.

My husband says that when men have uninspired wives at home, they often come home and find their wives and children draining-- so they begin to "hide" themselves in the greatness of their work. This is why when I'm tired and in a bad mood-- my husband will spend hours upstairs writing a deep blog or a poem or parts of his book or something. But when husbands have gentle, meek, peaceful and happy wives, they find they enjoy their wives and children and become filled with joy in their primary vocation-- that of father and husband. Of course, he says, men must embrace their primary vocation first in order to achieve eternal success at their work. But, he says, it is a true test of manhood to embrace the primary vocation of husband and father when there is no one willing to be led and no joy or warmth to be found in the home.

Throughout history, it has been the traditional way that men lead and women follow. Only very recently have we women been given the freedom to say: "let's do it like this" uninvited. My best advice to you is not to abuse this privilege-- but instead to pray and ask God to make you the kind of women who would make our foremothers proud.

Some practical tips.
What, then, can we DO about this feeling that our husband is not leading?

1. Pray. Fervently.
2. Go to confession. Search your heart for places you have sinned and have not followed joyfully when he HAS been guiding you somewhere.
3. Delight in him. One of the things all happy wives have in common is the ability to overlook their husband's faults and to speak and believe only those qualities which make him ideally suited for HER. Disrespect is the opposite of delight. Find within you the grace you've already been given through the sacrament of holy matrimony to trust God fully and with abandon for your welfare, and delight in your husband.
4. Do not neglect the responsibility to teach your children. But ALWAYS use respectful words with your children about their father's leadership in this area. Even if all he does is bless them once before bed, be grateful and tell your kids so.
5. Look for ways he IS leading and follow him. Even-- especially-- if these are places you are uncomfortable going out of your own idea. One example is that my husband has created a culture of prayer in my family that is FAR more formal than what I had envisioned. And yet I see such growth in my children and in my self as a result of these formal prayer settings. I am very grateful for them.
6. Stop trying to turn him into someone/something he is not, and instead look for the wonderful things that make him unique and good.
7. Take some tips from Charlotte Mason and remember that habit is ten natures. Both for yourself, for your children, and for your husband, cultivate good and fruitful habits that build character and encourage each other in them.
8. Remember that what you say -- but more importantly, what you DO-- greatly influences your husband. That alone should give you a plan of action where you have been failing.
9. Speak his language. Many husbands are able to relax and focus more when their wives are attentive to their needs... be they sexual, emotional, or a need for cleanliness, order, or a good attitude.
10. Above all, trust God.

Troubleshooting at home

LOVED this quote today from a Charlotte Mason themed blog on troubleshooting CM-style.


"Education is an atmosphere, a discipline, and a life."


This past week, our CM reading group discussed the above, which is Charlotte Mason's fifth principle of her philosophy of education. She says we are limited to these three. That's it. There's nothing else, because she believed everything else was a form of manipulation, or it was preying upon the child's sinful tendencies. If we bribe them, we appeal to their greed; if we hold up prizes, we appeal to their avarice; if we threaten them, we appeal to their fears, and so on.

Attention to the Will of the Child

The Way of the Will should be taught to Children.––It is something to know what to do with ourselves when we are beset, and the knowledge of this way of the will is so far the secret of a happy life, that it is well worth imparting to the children. Are you cross? Change your thoughts. Are you tired of trying? Change your thoughts. Are you craving for things you are not to have? Change your thoughts;
there is a power within you, your own will, which will enable you to turn your attention from thoughts that make you unhappy and wrong, to thoughts that make you happy and right. And this is the exceedingly simple way in which the will acts; this is the sole secret of the power over himself which the strong man wields––he can compel himself to think of what he chooses, and will not allow himself in thoughts that breed mischief.

Power of Will implies Power of Attention.––But you perceive that, though the will is all-powerful within certain limits, these are but narrow limits after all. Much must go before and along with a vigorous will if it is to be a power in the ruling of conduct. For instance, the man must have acquired the habit of attention, the great importance of which we have already considered. There are bird-witted people, who have no power of thinking connectedly for five minutes under any pressure, from within or from without. If they have never been trained to apply the whole of their mental faculties to a given subject, why, no energy of will, supposing they had it, which is impossible, could make them think steadily thoughts of their own choosing or of anyone else's. Here is how the parts of the intellectual fabric dovetail: power of will implies power of attention; and before the parent can begin to train the will of the child, he must have begun to form in him the habit of attention. (Charlotte Mason, Volume 1, pg 326)

This passage struck me this morning while I was searching for answers to a parenting problem I've been having.

It's interesting and very accurate: children need to have ignited in them a desire to do right because it is heroic and courageous. What it comes down to is a simple fact: motivation comes to them in the same way the Gospel comes to us: It is God's kindness that leads us to repentance, and the pursuit of truth and beauty that reveals His character to us.

My husband and I have worked tirelessly at instilling the habit of attention in our oldest and the payoff has been great both for her and for us.It worked so well that when my son came along, we were flabbergasted that he had not simply absorbed the habit in utero and we began a long line of battles with him in which we were mystified by his behavior, much of which was contrasted to that of his older sister, generally a careful attention-payer. One day, very recently, we realized our mistake: we had never focused with him on the habit of attention, without which the habit of obedience is truly only half a habit. We set about working on it and noticed a difference in his BEHAVIOR almost immediately.

The art of enlisting the will is a subject on which Charlotte Mason spends a good deal of time. It is worth reading her ideas because they keep in mind that while God is sovereign, we must be willing co-operators.
It reminds us that our children have human dignity, which in turn enables us to see them as persons rather than objects, a tendency which all people struggle with.

CM CHALLENGE: This month, I will be meditating on the above passage and looking for more ways to enlist my children's will and to instill the habit of attention in all of them.

What did this passage speak to you?

Parenting tips from Charlotte Mason

Always Telling––'I'm sure I am always telling her'––to keep her drawers neat, or to hold up her head and speak nicely, or to be quick and careful about an errand, says the poor mother, with tears in her eyes; and indeed this, of 'always telling' him or her is a weary process for the mother; dull, because hopeless. She goes on 'telling' to deliver her own soul, for she has long since ceased to expect any result: and we know how dreary is work without hope. But, perhaps, even his mother does not know how unutterably dreary is this always 'telling,' which produces nothing, to the child. At first he is fretful and impatient under the patter of idle words; then he puts up with the inevitable; and comes at last hardly to be aware that the thing is being said. As for any impression on his character, any habit really formed, all this labour is without result; the child does the thing when he cannot help it, and evades as often as he can. And the poor disappointed mother says,' I'm sure I've tried as much as any mother to train my children in good habits, but I have failed.' She is not altogether dispirited, however. The children have not the habits she wished to train them in; but they grow up warm-hearted, good-natured, bright young people, by no means children to be ashamed of. All the same, the mother's sense of failure is a monition to be trusted.
Our failures in life are, perhaps, due, for the most part, to the defects of our qualities; and, therefore, it is not enough to send children into the world with just the inheritance of character they get from their parents.

Some Practical Counsels––Let me offer a few definite practical counsels to a parent who wishes to deal seriously with a bad habit. First––Let us remember that this bad habit has made its record in the brain. Second––There is only one way of obliterating such record; the absolute cessation of the habit for a considerable space of time, say some six or eight weeks. Third––During this interval new growth, new cell connections, are somehow or other taking place, and the physical seat of the evil is undergoing a natural healing. Fourth––But the only way to secure this pause is to introduce some new habit as attractive to the child as is the wrong habit you set yourself to cure. Fifth––As the bad habit usually arises from the defect of some quality in the child it should not be difficult for the parent who knows his child's character to introduce the contrary good habit. Sixth––Take a moment of happy confidence between parent and child; introduce, by tale or example, the stimulating idea; get the child's will with you. Seventh––Do not tell him to do the new thing, but quietly and cheerfully see that he does it on all possible occasions, for weeks if need be, all the time stimulating the new idea, until it takes great hold of the child's imagination. Eighth––Watch most carefully against any recurrence of the bad habit. Ninth––Should the old fault recur, do not condone it. Let the punishment, chiefly the sense of your estrangenient, be acutely felt. Let the child feel the shame not only of having done wrong, but of having done wrong when it was perfectly easy to avoid the wrong and do the right. Above all, 'watch unto prayer' and teach your child dependence upon divine aid in this warfare of the spirit; but, also, the absolute necessity for his own efforts.

-- Charlotte Mason, Vol 2 p 174-176

Mama Mondays- "habit is ten natures"

Habit is ten natures, said Charlotte Mason, and if this is true, then we must focus on the formation of good habits and the breaking of bad habits for "the formation of habits is education, and education is the formation of habits."

“Strong as nature is, habit is not only as strong, but tenfold as strong” (Charlotte Mason, Vol. 1, p. 105).

 I notice it in a particular way every couple of years. My children, who have reached a certain level of autonomy when it comes to habits of attention, cleanliness, order, obedience, etc. suddenly begin to go wild.
Before I know it laying around is the norm and whining, drama, and exasperation has become the order of the day. Yelling becomes the normal vocal inflection and I even spot a bit of meanness entrenched in those sweet personalities.
Typically, I will puzzle over it for a few months and then begin some type of prayer crusade. In which God reveals to me that-- hello???-- the problem is me.
You see, every couple of years I find myself pregnant, and pregnancy and I don't mesh well (which is funny, considering how often I am pregnant. :D)
I think it's fair to say that I spend the nine months in relative agony and that, owing to the fact that I live a rather spartan life with a husband who also happens to work outside the home for what amounts to days and weeks. Because of these things, and a lack of discipline on my part, when I get pregnant, I turn into a rotten toddler---- I'm hungry, cranky, round, mean, don't like sharing, say no all the time, and throw fits or laugh hysterically depending on my mood.
So it should be no surprise, really, that I find myself in a face-off with kids who are ordinarily amazing, but whose personalities have suddenly become less than pleasant.
But I'm a slow learner, and this moment always catches me by surprise.
Now, excuses are like--- well, you know. And in my household, my husband is the very first to say and say often that excuses matter not one iota. We all have good reasons for why we didn't "do" whatever we were supposed to, but at the end of the day, only the strong survive. So we must persevere, regardless of how very good the reasons are to give up, if even temporarily.
Which is why Charlotte Mason is such a gem to me... because she presents a practical and simple way to address the problem--- that works!
She says:

"(...) we are limited to three educational instruments-- the atmosphere of environment, the discipline of habit, and the presentation of living ideas." (Vol. 1, Preface)"

I don't have control over my environment the way I would like to, and there truly is not much I can do about that. But I can, and do, present living ideas to my children, and I can, and do, present them with the intentional discipline of habit. Until I forget. :D
Charlotte was convinced that habit was inevitable-- that children developed good, or bad, habits depending on the amount of thought that went into the formation of their character and depending on their natural surroundings. Indeed, one of the first things she taught me was not to despair over a child who had developed some awful character traits, but rather to rejoice, because now that I had pinned down the problem I could simply view it as a bad habit that had been acquired and replace it with it's contrary good habit.
Charlotte taught that children can and should  (her schools held the motto "I can, I am, I ought, and I will!") develop good habits in several areas: decency and propriety, moral, physical, mental, and religious habits. And she clearly developed the formation of habits for each category so as to make it really easy to build character in the children.

Of all the habits she discussed, she placed the priority of importance on three of them:
Obedience.
Attention.
Truthfulness.
She viewed these as the foundation on which the other habits could be built, so when I go through these periods of looking at my kids and scratching my head, that is always where I start. Obedience, attention and truthfulness really do seem to be the first areas they slip and also the most important things to rectify... many of their other habits fall more naturally into place when we cover these three.

The principles of teaching and instilling good habits do not change no matter what the habit.

First, be consistent and deal with the offense right away.
Second, remember that sometimes all it takes is diverting a child's THOUGHTS (not attention) to the formation of a new habit.
Third, remember that we are training to avoid discipline later. Discipline is not the point, training is. Discipline is often punishment, whereas training eliminates the need for discipline.
Work on one habit at a time, but keep watch over the ones you've worked on.
Motivate your child with the inspiration of people who possess the habit you want to develop. (This is a particularly wonderful way to help Catholic children to imitate the virtues of the saints!)
Pay close attention so that you do not excuse your child when they develop a bad habit, not even once.
And lastly, do not NAG. Instead, simply expect obedience after one calm, quiet telling, and then reinforce with consequences when your expectation is not met. Persist with each habit for a week, a month at a time, and then move on, keeping an eye on that one like a spinning plate on the tip of one finger while you start on the next.
This is the process of habit formation, one habit at a time. And yes---there will be plenty of moments when you begin anew, looking in dismay around you at the mess of crashed and broken plates all over the ground!
I'm in one of those places right now, realizing how many habits I've let slip both in myself and in my children, for any number of "good reasons" that I can not allow to become excuses.

So today, as I have many, many times before, I will pull out my favorite Charlotte Mason book..... Laying down the Rails from Simply Charlotte Mason, which I cannot recommend enough, and begin again with Obedience, Attention, and Truthfulness, going back along the way over the many beautiful habits my children have picked up on this journey to make sure the plates are still spinning.
Only years from now will I be able to look back and breathe a sign of relief, but until then, it is once again thanks to Charlotte that I can look at a situation which at one time had the potential to make me throw up my hands and simply give up, but which instead makes me motivated and excited to train my children up in the way that they should go, so that when they are old they do not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)