Some questions from readers

A very sweet woman wrote me recently and asked a lot of questions in one email that I frequently find myself answering individually-- and I thought it would be great (with her permission, of course) to answer them in a blog, so that I would have a place I could refer people back to with the answers. I have modified her questions a tiny bit so as not to give away her identity or too much about her personal life. Enjoy! And if readers have other questions like this, feel free to leave them in a comment so that we can continue the theme!


1. As I have said I have not done my Confirmation yet and I won't be able to start
classes until September. They run them from September till April when you get
confirmed at Easter Mass. With that said what can I do between now and then? So
far I have been reading the Catholicism for Dummies book and have been loving it.


During the period when you are either in RCIA or awaiting confirmation, there is a total temptation to want to think of yourself as somehow "half a catholic," but I would say to you that your heart is now Catholic-- the moment you accept that what the Church teaches is truth. The truth is, you ARE a Catholic, but you are forming your Catholic life-- just as those of us confirmed in the Church are doing daily!

Spiritual reading is a great place to start--- learning more about the faith every day and catching up on all the years of homilies you've missed! But one of the greatest things about BEING a Catholic is that we have the liturgical year to help us walk in the footsteps of the Church. As I write this, it is lent, and lent is the perfect place to begin to practice "being" catholic--- Follow along on websites like fisheaters or Catholic Answers, or get yourself a book (I reccomend "The Catholic Home," to help you find ways to make your family life line up with liturgical life through the practice of traditions and meaninful rituals. If you do nothing else, set up a family altar and begin to say some prayers there in the morning or at night. Read the bible with your kids. Get some catholic decorations for your home. Get involved at church somehow--- even if only to pray the rosary with the old ladies on mondays after mass.

That sense of "being" Catholic takes quite a while to build up, but once it takes, it never leaves.



2. My husband was baptized at birth Catholic, converted to Baptist as a teen, then
returned to Catholic when we married. He does not go to church and considers me to
be responsible for the kids religious upbringing. How do I see him as head of the
household when he is uninterested in going and participating in the faith. I must
say though that he knows the Bible much better than me and is a splendid man. He
just doesn't have the fervor for Catholicism as I do.

You know, lots of noncatholic women have this same question too!
The first thing I would say is that in a situation like this, it's always more productive to take responsibility for what you can and to encourage him in what little he DOES do than to nag him for what he doesn't, or even to quietly whine about it to God. You know, for now, I wouldn't worry so much about the logistics of seeing him as the head of the household as I would about simply treating him with lots of love and patience. Because your situation includes the training of children, you will find that as you pursue building a relationship with God alongside them, they will naturally draw him in. For example, my husband doesn't pray with the kids before bed 9/10 times. But lately, my daughter asks him to pray over her, and this has the effect of causing him to straighten up a bit and take this job seriously. By all means, take charge of teaching your children the faith! Do whatever you can to encourage a wholesome, happy, prayerful, beautiful, godly life in your family... but for now, simply enjoy your husband, quirks, eccentricities and all. It keeps us honest, sometimes, when our husbands are this way---- it causes us to realize that we truly NEED God. But it also helps us to remember why we love our husbands in the first place...and encourages them to grow on THEIR terms and not ours. The best advice I can give is LOVE HIM, encourage him, don't expect from him but rather see how you can give TO him, and make sure to take the children's training into your own hands in a gentle way that encourages a joyful family atmosphere. No man became a better Christian from watching a surly wife drag down her kids with her into "godliness." As Teresa of Avila said: "God save us from solemn saints!"


3. What ways can I encourage our faith into my kids? My kids are 14,11, 6, and 3.
Are there any rituals to do and practice daily with them to help them grow their own
faith?


Absolutely! Since my kids are so young ,I feel a bit awkward offering up advice, but I will say this: it's never too late to start. If you aren't currently doing much of anything, be patient with them and start off slow. Add a few things to the routine each week and gently ease into practicing a more devout life. Children resist change, but they thrive in a joyful, balanced, scheduled environment. Because of the age differences, I might consider tailoring the changes to their ages too. Like, it might be hard to get the WHOLE family to agree to say a rosary each night, but you can at least do it on Sundays or feast days and then make it fun by offering them ice cream after or something. The basic rule of life for your everyday Catholic family includes at the very least: going to mass on Sundays, praying together in the morning and evening, and possibly reading from the family bible together at dinner or something. Add prayers to your day that are short but meaningful-- bless your meals, etc. Most importantly, take on the observances of the season. Right now, since we are in lent, ask the kids to give up something and take on something that will draw them closer to God. Don't serve them meat on Fridays. Things like that. Don't be a nazi about it, but make it fun (you know, hey, we can't have meat on Fridays so we'll have pancakes!) or something like that. Over time, these things will become second nature to you AND to them, and become something they look back on with fondness.

4.You mention praying LOH. What are your children doing while you do these? On the
same note do your children sit with you during Mass or go the nursery?

I pray the LOH daily. Mornings, I get up before anyone else in the house to do it. During the day, I often pray it as I work, not really stopping, or seeking out quiet or anything like that. Evening prayer I actually pray WITH the kids (who are two and one) as they are in bed. I pray and sing and they listen. I imagine as they get older they will join me and I'll make a big thing out of giving them their OWN breviary some day to join in!

Mass: I'll admit, I dislike having my kids at mass, but that's because I'm selfish and want to enjoy God all by myself :P Ideally, my kids stay with me during mass, but I recognize that there are days (and there are PLENTY) when they are not able to sit still for varying reasons-- tired, cranky, whatever. those days, I happily put them in the nursery and we make a visit to the tabernacle after I pick them up (when mass is over.) Once they hit four, I plan on having them with me every time I come.

5. When you pray at home do you still cover your head and when will you have Annika
cover hers? at what age? Why is it that women cover their heads but not men?

I DO absolutely cover my head, but only when I'm in private, quiet prayer or when I am at mass, in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. I used to cover my head at all times, but my husband does not like it, so I now only cover in prayer. I will teach my girls beginning at age four that they should cover their heads in prayer, but I will, of course, allow them to select a style that they like. I wrote a long blog on headcovering that will answer many of your questions here: http://stitchlove.blogspot.com/2008/11/on-headcoveringagain.html


6. How do you structure your day? I know it might seem boring to you but very
interesting and helpful to me! When do you pray? clean? workout? etc. I would love
a "day in the life of Barbie".

Whew! That's a big question, because I'm perpetually altering my schedule to make it more efficient and better. My daily schedule looks like this, but it is often altered by unexpected or expected guests, my kids' moods, my husband's moods, and anything else that gets plopped into my laugh. ultimately, my daily schedule is a guideline, but I HAVE to be flexible, because otherwise I am miserable. Also, it doesn't look in there like I have time to clean, etc.
the fact is that I do different types of cleaning on different days (one day for laundry, one for cleaning the kitchen, for the bathroom, bedrooms, etc) and I am a big fan of "clean as you go" so that there is minimal catch up work to do in the end. I really don't clean more than 1 hour each day, but it's spread out throughout the day.
That being said, it looks like this:
4:30 am Morning Prayer and Lectio Divina (bible reading)
5:30 am morning yoga
6:30 am breakfast with the kids and morning devotions as a family
7:30 am kids free time/ I get dressed
8:00 am kids dressed and room straightened (dishes done)
8:30 am leave for mass
10:00 am return, snack, and a walk if it's nice out with outdoor homeschool. Otherwise, we do indoor homeschool. Midmorning prayer
12:00 pm Lunch
12:30 ish Naptime (during which I pray noon prayer and the rosary, and then either nap or blog, straighten up etc)
3:00 pm spurt of housework and whatever needs to get done + chaplet of divine mercy
4:00 mid afternoon prayer
+ snack for the kids-- start dinner.
5:00 pm dinner + family time
7:00 pm bedtime (+ family rosary on special occasions) and LOH
7:30 dishes, then spend time with the hubby
9:00 freetime (night prayer+ evening yoga)
10:00 bed.

7. Modesty. I know you have read the Duggars and are a fan. Do you practice only
wearing skirts as they do or do you wear pants as well? Is there anything you will
no longer wear now that you are a devout Catholic?

Great question! OK, first, the pants thing. I admit that it truly rubs me the wrong way when I see women wearing power suits, pants suits, etc to be lectors, eucharistic ministers, and all that. I think that femininity is beautiful, very special, and important to retain. That being said, There are plenty of women who manage to make pants look very feminine. For me personally, I prefer to wear skirts and I prefer for my kids to wear skirts. We do all own a pair of jeans that we do wear when the occasion is right. But when it comes to dressing up-- we wear skirts. That's just us. Because of carmelites, I must wear the brown scapular every day, and so I do not wear clothes that have a VERY low neckline because people would see the scapular and think "What the heck is that thing?" However, there are some clothes I wear that have a neckline that is pretty low, and then I often pin the scapular against my underclothes so that it doesn't come out. Modesty is important to me, but I do not go the route of little house on the prairie, probably because I'm French and I do think that a woman's inherent "appeal" is a God-given gift that we needn't totally hide. I DO believe in modesty, and dress accordingly, but I try not to look frumpy or too boring. Because we don't have much money, I can't be too picky about what I wear and would probably dress very differently if I got to hand select my clothes.

8. Do you ever get plagued with the Jonesing curse? By this I mean do you go to
someones' big house or drive by someone's big house and wish you had the material
possessions they did? Or do you ever wish you had that room pictured in a Pottery
Barn catalog? If you have how do you deal with that?

Sure I do. I think everyone gets that at some point! But what matters is what you do with it. If you use it to breed discontent and frustration at your own life, it's not healthy. But if you use it to help you build goals and ideas for the future, give you decorating ideas, and stuff like that-- I mean, that's a good thing!

9. What is the difference between praying the Rosary and Chaplet of Mercy. I love
praying the Chaplet of Mercy. While you pray your beads once again what are the
kids doing? How often and how long does it take you to pray these?

The rosary was given and requested by Mary, the Chaplet of Divine Mercy developed from St Faustina. There are different graces associated with each but both are wonderful. I try to pray both at some point during the day. My kids take naps at the same time -- I schedule them-- so I usually pray my beads at that time, or in the evening after they have gone to bed. A couple times a week, I will actually pray a rosary with them. I let them help me and we don't do it perfectly, but we get it done. The best advice I ever heard was to pray the rosary as a family while out walking... that way the kids are happy. Normally, it doesn't take longer than 15-20 minutes to pray the rosary.

10. On happy housewives we are once again revisiting the created to be his helpmeet
discussion. What is your stance on the Pearls now? Do you only read books and
refer to books based on Catholic authors or do you choose that which enriches you?

Actually, I'm still a VERY huge fan of the Pearls. Even as a protestant, I didn't totally agree with their theology, so that hasn't changed, but I think they are a wealth of information for building a solid, beautiful, godly family and I truly admire and appreciate them. I'm currently teaching a Bible Study for a group of Catholic women and we are using Beth Moore--- another protestant. I also am halfway through "the shack" right now and LOVE IT! I use what enriches my life, and I don't have a problem going to nonCatholic sources, but when it comes to theology,I let the church do the talking. :)

11. Do you believe sex with your husband is a wifely duty? I too suffer with endo.
and there are times in the month I am in soo much pain and my periods are awful ( I
bleed so much I can't leave the house. the pain alone keeps me at home) (have you
found anything that has helped you with your endo?)

Yes, I do believe that husbands and wives should have sex-- and I believe that they should enjoy it! I have a LOT more to say about this one but I'll keep it short for now and write a longer blog soon... there are also herbal remedies for endo that I will be happy to share. If it is hard to have sex, my best advice is to let him know that you need to be aroused before you can do it, thus encouraging him to actively participate in helping you. The more aroused you become, the easier it is on your body. I will write a blog soon on sexuality and herbal remedies for common sexual problems.

12. Why do people get sick? which brings me to this feeling I have been feeling as
of late...I am scared to get close to HIM. I feel like right now everything is
puttering along and once I get close to our God the evil one will step in and cause
all kinds of strife. Do you believe that God makes us suffer on purpose in order to
grow us closer to him or do you feel that we can grow close to HIM without pain? I
think I'm really thinking this because my mom just finished treatment for Breast
Cancer which was horrible. We nearly lost my dad to a massive heart attack followed
by quadruple bypass surgery. My sister had to have a complete hysterectomy for
cervical cancer. The list goes on. I'm so scared of getting an illness and not
being here to raise my sweet babies. Seeing all the pain they have gone through has
me petrified. I am in fear of my kids not having a mother to raise them. Do you
ever feel like this? Ever worry about that? I mean
leaving Wayne/Peter to raise your kids alone? How do you handle that? I would
love your advice on this as well.


People get sick because of sin--- because of the natural consequence of living in an imperfect world. A REALLY great book I would recommend to help you see why suffering is allowed is called "The Shack."
I am so sorry to hear about all the heartache you have experienced. And I am certain that through it God is changing and molding and growin all of you! My best advice to you in this situation is to tell you not to fear, but rather to rest in the promises of God, because it is only God who sees the WHOLE picture, and knows the WHOLE story.