9 Neanderthandal Habits of a True Man You Never Thought Would Make You Melt, but Will.

I came across this article today which was being furiously passed from woman to woman on my facebook and touted as the best thing in the world.
As I said there, and will say below, the article annoyed me quite a bit, for many reasons, but mostly being that:

" If you try to help me put my jacket on or take it off, I will cut you. Because hijab and it took me an hour to get it right so don't freaking touch it.
And me no likey chick flicks I don't expect you to either.
I like flowers but I once dumped a guy because he brought me flowers EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.... and spent too much time with my family.

I should write a post called: "9 Neanderthal habits of a true man that you never thought would make you melt... but will." In fact, I'm gonna."

and

Also, I love and appreciate opening doors but sometimes aintnobodygottimefodat and I just can't stand the wait, I'm just like MOVE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST MOVE. So pick your moments, men.

So now here I am, writing this post. Let me start off by saying that all those ideas I read about are nice, but if you hold out for the guy who embodies that post, you are going to be either (a) marrying a damn liar or (b) missing out on a lot. So without further ado, I give you nine things men actually do that used to drive me nuts but I now find incredibly endearing.

1. Closing doors. 

The writer mentioned that she liked men holding doors open. Well I like men closing doors.
First off, I like when my man closes the figurative door on a situation I didn't have the guts or common sense to close one on myself. They don't mind being rude or direct, and I love that because I do. Close them doors, for me boys!
That's a big one...  for sure. But also, I like men literally closing doors.
Men slam doors every where they go. Doesn't matter if they are little men or big men, they will pretty much slam every single door they encounter, and whats' even funnier is that you can bet on them yelling at any kid within ear shot for slamming doors themselves. Door slams always carry a message: things like "leave me alone" is a common one, yes, but another is "Oh my gosh I'm so excited!!" and there's also "I'm late!" too. While door slamming is a regular occurrence in a household full of boys, they are almost always loudest at naptime and after the children have gone to sleep. I have no idea if this is intentional or just a weird Murphy's law thing, but there you go.
 Whatever the message, whatever the reason, I melt a little bit when my house is full of guys and my door is slamming constantly as they happily go in and out forgetting things and yelling things to each other.

2. Eating everything in the house.

Sure it's nice if they save the last bite, but lately I've been noticing how nice it is to have a house full of hungry men I get to feed. There's something about chasing them out of the kitchen, slapping their hands away while they touch stuff, and watching the look of satisfaction (not to mention the good mood after ) that comes when guys have eaten a hearty meal and are grateful for it. If they are eating you out of house and home, you likely know the joy of finding happy men all around you and there's nothing like it. Like my Mediterranean mothers before me, this year I have really learned to rejoice in my kitchen duties and to find peace and pleasure in stocking and re-stocking.....  and re-stocking the fridge. I used to LOATHE Dinner prep, practically considered suicide when it "+1" started turning into "+ 3" around here on a regular basis, and seriously thought about just walking out one day and leaving everybody hungry. I prayed about it a lot and the Lord gave me a brilliant vision for hospitality and told me to embrace that hot, dirty kitchen.... and now let me tell you, I wouldn't trade my job for all the world. I now love to feed people, but men especially, because nobody is more thankful or happy after a good meal.

3.  Spending time with the guys.

Love a guy who loves to be around family. That's always, always important. But ladies, have you ever really stopped to appreciate the hilarity that ensues when guys get to spend time with each other? It's a glorious sight to behold, and one of the most enjoyable ways to spend an afternoon should you have the good fortune of listening in.
Men get together and play jokes on each other, talk smack to one another, give each other a hard time, build things, do projects, figure out ways to dominate the world..... it's amazing. Also, you will NEVER have to worry about things like home invasions or things that go bump in the night with groups of men around. You will learn all kinds of interesting things and come out with such a great appreciation for who men are and what they do. Most importantly should your guy be the kind who works in a "guy-oriented field" (military, first responders, etc.) you will find that even dull moments at work can be made hilarious and gleeful and learn a thing or two about making glory out of ordinary tasks. Most importantly, metal sharpens metal, so if your man has the blessing of having some good guy friends--- let them go, be, do. They come back way better than if they had spent eight hours locked in a house with you. and what happened will keep you entertained for a whole day of folding laundry and rinsing dishes.  I promise. :D

4. Making you watch action/war/ adventure movies.

Like most women, when I married my husband I had fantasies in my head of snuggling on the couch watching The Notebook or something most nights, while he whispered sweet nothings at me about how amazing I was. Yeah right. Instead I have spent literal years of my life listening to deep discussion about weaponry, armor, tactical gear, combat methodology, body building, philosophy, and kingdom building. I have seen Red Dawn (7 billion times to date) and Dune and Braveheart and Rob Roy and the Last of the Mohicans and The Postman.... again, and again, and again. I go to sleep to the sounds of Rambo, or Rocky IV,  not Rapunzel, and you know what? It's been kind of amazing. If you want to know why, you'll have to read my older blog on the topic right here.  Do it.

5. Sending weapons.

Sure, it's nice when guys send you flowers. But you'll know it's love when they send you weapons-  especially weapons THEY want to own. ;) Over the years, I've received endless knives, spears, bows, and battle axes and I'm not going to lie to you, I've often been like.... seriously? All I wanted was a gift certificate to Amazon. But there is nothing quite like the feeling of having a visiting man notice one of your gifted weapons on the table or something and hearing him say: "WOW  This thing is awesome. Where did you get it?" Now that's love. :D

6. Walking in front of you and/or getting in your way.

When I was first married, nothing irritated me more than my husband walking miles ahead of me when we were out and about or him stomping around in front of me when I was trying to get stuff done. Ten years in and now I love both. I love watching him when he is getting in my way because he's also active, doing something important to him, and I love to see him at work and to watch his process. It's adorable, and almost always a good, playful conversation starter.
But it's the walking far ahead of me thing that makes me melt....  I love the looks we get as a family when he walks into a room, with me behind him and our long line of kids trailing behind me. It's like people just want to stare open mouthed, or clap or something. EVERYONE has something to say. It's hilarious. I love it.

7. Trying to have sex with you all the live long day.

Yeah, kissing your forehead is cute. But you know what's adorable? When your husband won't leave you alone. Slapping your butt in public, making big eyes at you over the toilet he's fixing, or sneaking you off during a big holiday meal... whether you're in jammies or gym clothes, if he's a man,  he's constantly at you and it's pretty flipping awesome.

8. Filling up your fridge.... with beer. And random edible animals.

Sure, we all love a guy who fills up your gas tank. But have you ever known the joy of opening your freezer one day and finding a chopped up deer in there? Or a squirrel? Or a Greenland freaking shark? Yeah, living with men is crazy, but you will never, ever again has as much fun as you do once it begins, especially if you let them do their thing.
I've always tried to, which is how I have ended up with enormous frogs and chocolate-and-habanero covered crickets in my fridge at times but the tradeoff is the fun of the unexpected find and.... well, it's love when he wants to share his poo-smelling Durian fruit with you "just to try it." So choose love.

9. Putting his jacket on.... the floor. 

Yes, that's right, I'm actually going to say that there is something endearing about these crazy neanderthals leaving their clothes all over the dang carpet. Because let's face it, when you're a new wife you spend a lot of time crying over this stuff, right? ("I mean, *sniff* he threw his disgusting, sweaty PT shorts here and it's like TWO INCHES AWAY from the laundry basket I bought, restored, and spent six hours painting pink and electric green and now I have to touch them! Why doesn't he respect me??!") But now that you've been married ten years, you do things like giggle when you find one of his socks hiding in the blender or on the ceiling fan("How did he do THAT??!") and sigh when you find an invisible man made out of clothes standing up next to the bed, realizing he was so tired last night he literally just peeled them off and slid in with you. You learn to love this stuff, because it means you're IN, and that he loves you. And in the end, I'd rather have that a million times over than any of the formalities I read in the former article y'all are passing around like it's the best thing you've read all year. ;)

Here's to men--- may you know them, love them, raise them. Polite and totally wild. And here's to savage gentlemen. Amen.

The "Others."

There is a haunting movie out there called "The Others," a dark Nicole Kidman flick that I have always enjoyed, revolving around two families interacting in curious ways over an apparently haunted house.
In the film, the exploration of human relationships is so vivid. The mother, at times appearing the perfectly poised and responsible and even superhero-ish Army wife she must be in her situation, increasingly acts completely insane as the pressure begins to mount. My husband says we are all just a hair's breadth away from insanity.
Her marriage is a source of complete struggle. Relying on her husband's imaginary presence and memory to keep her going, his actual presence when he finally returns is a source of confusion and heartache. The ghosts in her house end up being her closest companions and her greatest source of confusion, fear, and unrest.

How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.
-- Psalm 119:9

I am a married woman now, and I haven't always lived a Christian life. When I was younger, teachings about purity and living a chaste life eluded me for various reasons, and though I felt I was always a "good person" or at least trying to be, I am a person who has been intimate with others, besides my husband (among many, many other sins besides.)

This little fact-- seemingly unimportant among other qualities I have and daily impose on my husband-- has been one of the most relevant pieces of baggage I have brought to this marriage, and has had a profound effect on all parts of it. Because of that, it seemed like a good idea to discuss these things openly, so that someone, somewhere, reading this might finally understand why God places such seemingly restrictive "rules" on our feelings and our bodies.

Let me be clear: my previous relationships, of which several really stand out, are not things I regret. They were beautiful, and had a potential to be pure and glorious and life-giving. They were sincere, and genuine. I use the term "relationships" loosely here. Some of the encounters I am talking about lasted one moment, but it was a moment full of the strongest and most noble of possible emotions-- moments that were stopped in their tracks by life's circumstances. Other encounters were conscious enterings into a long term partnership, or an attempt at life sharing. None of these--- none of them--- even come close to marriage. But they were powerful encounters, and life changing, and I will never forget them. And neither will they, those "others" that periodically invade my marriage bed, home, or family life.  Like Nicole Kidman's ghosts, sometimes they are welcome guests, helping my husband and myself to work out an issue. Other times they are intruders...inescapable presences that lurk behind every closed door and invade every quiet moment.

I look back on most of them with great fondness and affection, with tenderness. Unbearable tenderness, sometimes. They were not, of themselves, a bad thing. Love is good. I've heard it argued that these types of relationships were not "love" in and of themselves, and I have to agree-- love is an action, not a feeling, and is sacrificial, not self- serving. But I use the term "love" here to describe the intense fondness and affection that one can feel for another human being. I do not regret having had those feelings. I have learned from them, and I have had a glimpse of the joy that true Union can bring. A glimpse, mind you. Just a fleeting vision.

What I do regret is the progression of that "love" feeling into boiling lust, and then into.... blandness or boredom, a natural side-effect of human relationships.  Worse, what was then transformed into..... lies, deceit, anger, unrest, and eventually.... brokenness. I have "loved" others with my whole heart, only to take it away from them when I found myself bored by them, or interested by the next passing thing. And I will live forever with the guilt of the pain that I caused in some of the dearest people I have ever known.

Some of these loves I have lost went on to live "normal" and productive lives. I have even remained friends with them. What passes between us now is a deep friendship, one that is hard to define but obviously understandable... we have shared life together. When I think about these relationships in retrospect, I am grateful. These are people who allowed me to make serious mistakes- even to hurt them in the worst kinds of ways-- and had the inner strength and grace to not only forgive me but move on and still give me this beautiful, undeserved kindness. These people helped form who I am today and by allowing me the freedom to make serious mistakes but still love me, gave me a wonderful witness of Christ-likeness in their behavior-- even the ones who are not, and never have been, Christians.

But there are others. Though they also helped form who I am, these others haunt me and the thought of them makes my stomach turn and my heart beat anxiously. These are the people I know I will answer to God for in my final hours, whose suffering faces I can not forget. These are people I hurt and who never recovered, or who recovered only superficially. These are people who are broken because of my actions and lack of love and selfishness. Some of these faces are the faces of people I was in a direct relationship with. Others of them are people who were in relationships with people I developed a sexual relationship with. All of these people are hurt, directly, in some way, because of me, and don't have a relationship with God to shed light into those dark places in their heart and psyche and to warm and heal them.

Because purity wasn't on my moral radar, my soul became fragmented. Because purity wasn't on my moral radar, I harmed people and left them to rot in their sadness.

At the time, it was so easy to justify what I was doing. I loved deeply, and then, one day-- the next day, in some cases, I'm embarrassed to say--  I simply didn't love deeply.

In retrospect, I think my French and American backgrounds combined to create a perfect storm in me: My inner French girl--  deeply romantic and interested in the seduction game, accepting of sexuality as a whole part of myself, and on the other hand my inner American girl--a creature of excess, of blacks and whites, of hypocrisy and of idolized stoic morality, and of stepping on the little guys to get to the top of the power ladder regardless of convention or tradition or obligation.

On the other hand, maybe I was just.... lonely. I can't fully explain it. And I can't say I've always come out "on top" either--- I can think of a few relationships that left me weeping and mourning in the dust. But by and large, I've been responsible for way too many heartbreaks, and my past is a story of love lost and hearts broken.

Nothing wounds like love. Khalil Gibran, in my favorite poem on love, says:

"When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep,
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you."
  

 I have often heard Christian testimonies given when people talk about how they were empty or sad or "looking for something" when they met God. Many talk about how having had a long string of relationships meant that they were seeking what God had to offer. Though I can understand that, it wasn't my experience. I felt full and overflowing when I met God and came face to face with him for the first time. I was not looking for him, and I did not feel that I was visibly in unrest... I felt content with myself, my life, and my relationships at the time.

But on the night I met Him--- really met Him-- face to face, He spoke through people directly to my soul and addressed those broken parts in me... not the parts that knew I wasn't fully loved, though they were there, but the parts that knew I had lacked in love.... the parts that knew I had done harm. This caused a great, heaving shift in me. It CREATED unrest. Discomfort. and a place I can only describe as..... a wound. But picking at that scab, I realized that what was under there was a festering, horrible, deep, dangerous mess that had always been there and that I had been completely ignorant of until that night. I needed God.

Reflecting back, it was in that moment that I saw my selfishness for what it was, in all its ugliness. And most of my Christian walk since that night has been an attempt to go back to the fullness of that revelation and to turn from it-- to make the change that I knew that night needed to be made.

The effects of those hurts, magnified by the fact that not only my heart and soul but my body had been "united" with these people (and in some cases, not really my heart, but only my body-- the vessel which carries my heart and soul!) have impacted my marriage in every way.

My husband has had a very different experience of past relationships, as he always "knew" that he was destined to marry one woman and remain with her. I can't believe that woman was me, because the difference in our approaches to love mean that just by virtue of having lived the way I have, I have harmed and wounded him in the most painful of ways. And yet he loves me!

He is and always has been much more pure than I am, and I am grateful for his example and his ability to understand that all things are fleeting in this world-- something I always wish I understood more deeply.

As I watch parents near me parent their children, particularly their teenaged children (I don't really like the term "teenager.") I am constantly reflecting about these issues. In some families, chastity is greatly valued and teenagers, though anticipating and experiencing their first "love" experiences, are so motivated and prepared to wait --to  wait for the one prepared for them.
In other families, "significant others" are encouraged, or at least accepted. They become a part of the
fabric of the family. Breakups are felt by the whole family. I still have "other mothers" and "other fathers," "other siblings" that I can't shake. They are a part of me too.

Looking at it this way, it seems obvious why God would ask people to wait. Wait to build a relationship and bond until your wedding day-- the day you stand before God and man and say: forever, through thick and thin. Wait for union and for your turn to taste the pleasures of the flesh the way God ordained it. Wait because every action you take in the other direction runs the risk of remaining with you and a part of you forever as well.

There are eyes and hands I saw and felt, an Italian accent in a deep voice that fascinated me on a long plane ride home one year and that I never again encountered, but that will stay with me forever. There is a Polish boy I once shared a scooter ride, a beer and a postcard exchange with who stopped me in my tracks for a time, and a Turkish boy in Germany with haunting eyes and the sweetest smile. There was a Swedish boy who welcomed me into his family and even moved across the world for me. Good ol' American boys, heavy drinkers and happy partiers, or thoughtful, quiet, artistic ones, who I have loved and walked away from. There are French boys with hearts warm with sun and laughter I can never forget, the sound of whose scooters along the gravel path above me I listened for longingly each night from my bedroom window... until I didn't. There are Irish boys, and Australian boys. Arab boys. Jewish boys. Boys I have camped with, traveled with, or gone to school with. Boys in passing vehicles or walking near me with whom I have shared the most intimate of glances. I can never forget any of them. If I apply myself, not even one.

They grew up to be men-- the ones who still have breath in them, and to form families of their own, just as I have, and to be haunted by their pasts, just as I have been. When those families have fallen apart I have often heard from them and the sound of their reaching is a comfort to me I know comes from the most sinful part of my fleshly nature-- the part that desires consolation, but not to console. They give my heart an easy escape, but it is an illusion, because behind each door is the exact same cage: a prison called Giving.

And no amount of declaring those bonds broken, of the handing over of these relationships to Jesus,  will ever erase the memory of them or the lessons that were learned, or the pain seared into me or them whenever our names or faces pop up on my facebook feed or in my dreams or nightmares or in my home or marriage bed. No amount of knowing the wrongness of them will ever make them wrong, because God placed those desires and feelings within us knowing where they COULD lead us, how they would help us to choose now whom we will serve, to declare that "as for me, and my family, we will serve the Lord."

These encounters were wrong because God declares them so, but His declaration is not because they were "bad" but because I am bad.  I have evil inclinations bound up within the good I am capable of-- because I am fallen. Because I am not pure, though I am capable of purity.
Because I am not loving, although I am capable of love.

Because I am not able to do this living and loving thing on my own-- only with the help of God can the voices of these others be released from me so that I am free to focus on the thing I am here, doing: loving my husband, loving my children--- a family which is so holy and pure, a family which my baggage has often overwhelmed and which has somehow, some way, loved me anyways because they know that Giving has another name, too: and that name is Freedom.

And so my "others" haunt me, but they also free me. And so by having loved them, I am able to REALLY love another. And so by having loved them, I am able to acknowledge what real love is and what it isn't.  When my marriage has been hard, I have often asked myself if I would be happier with an "other." What would our lives be like? Would we argue and struggle as much as this? Although I cannot say, I do know that every human relationship will have moments of glory and moments of pure hell. I do know that entering, and remaining, in a human relationship has a cost-- none more great than Marriage. I do know that that cost becomes more easy to bear when one has not tasted of the wonders that these others have to offer. I do know that everything we do--- each passing, loaded glance, each word we speak, each piece of our heart we choose to share or choose to keep to ourselves must be purified by the Word of God so that it might bear good fruit... because in the words of Khalil Gibran, through love:

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

On Character building and habit study and... husbands.

Once every week for some time now, during our catechism lessons,  I have built into our schedule a section of time to study a habit or character quality (a virtue, if you will).

Usually I pick a habit we are going to work on, I find a story that demonstrates a practical application, I pick out a memory verse or two, and look for some opportunities in our day to encourage it... and basta. Takes five minutes.
Seems simple enough, but in reality it has caused me great anguish in my lesson planning. It's a short lesson, but long on preparation! How I have longed for a ready-made habits curriculum!

For one thing, I'm a die-hard Charlotte Mason follower, as you know, and she listed fifty odd habits throughout her works that she found worthy of emphasis. I've gone through several times now and coded bible verses to these habits, read and re-read and used ideas from my favorite, worn-out manual of habits training: "Laying Down the Rails." I use it, but it's all kind of a mess in my head.... each week I have to pull from many different sources to do something very simple-- teach a habit.

There is currently no real habit- training curriculum out there I could substitute in it's place that's as thorough as this one.

And though Laying Down the Rails is epic, it isn't a curriculum. And as such, some part of it frustrates me because it does not contain lesson plans or even a simple format. It's more like a series of meditations for the person intending to instill the habits in another or in themselves, none of which is practical for me in a setting with small children. I use it every day, but my children haven't yet really reaped the benefits of it.

So, my solution for practicality has always been the Duggar's Character Quality Chart, a pdf I've seen wandering around the internets.
I've used it for many years, one character quality at a time, doing memory work or just sharing stories about the qualities.

Yesterday, I was reading a thread in a Catholic Homeschooling mother blog that really offended me, in which a group of women thought it was somehow encouraging to dump on each other's (and their own) husbands. Don't get me started on how common of a mindset I have found that to be among American Catholic women. o.O

Anyways, it reminded me that I just never, ever, EVER want to be like  that. That I really want to honor and respect and serve my husband. And let him lead!

I've always found a few of the Gothard definitions of these character qualities kind of ... off.  And I realized I'd never checked in with my husband about them.

So without a second thought, I printed it up, and marched upstairs to his office real quick with my Character Quality chart, and asked him what the thought about it to use as a formal "curriculum."

He didn't even look at it. Hah!

My husband is always telling me that there is no need to re-invent the wheel, and he is so right!

He maintained that as we taught them philosophy (and learned ourselves), we would find these habits becoming naturally instilled in them-- and us. He also maintained that there was no better way than a hands on object lesson- often found in nature- to do so. "That's the advantage a homeschool has over a normal school," said my husband, who has never read a word of Charlotte Mason's other than the ones I shove under his nose repeatedly. " Remember that if you tell them, they will hear it, and if you show them, they will understand it-- but if you let them do it, they will remember it. You have the opportunity throughout the day to help them do that and learn these things. Especially outside."
"Quit having a committee about this stuff," he said to me. "YOU need to learn the virtues. Then you will be able to teach them."

And wouldn't you know it--- Charlotte Mason had already "told" me this in Volume 2, pp. 182, 183:

“Object-lessons should be incidental; and this is where the family enjoys so great an advantage over the school. It is almost impossible that the school should give any but set lessons; but this sort of teaching in the family falls in with the occurrence of the object. The child who finds that wonderful and beautiful object, a ‘paper’ wasp’s nest, attached to a larch-twig, has his object-lesson on the spot from father or mother”

And this:

“Our constant care must be to secure that they do look, and listen, touch, and smell; and the way to this is by sympathetic action on our part: what we look at they will look at; the odours we perceive, they, too, will get” (Vol. 2, pp. 192, 193).

And this:

“The mother cannot devote herself too much to this kind of reading, not only that she may read tit-bits to her children about matters they have come across, but that she may be able to answer their queries and direct their observation” (Vol. 1, pp. 64, 65).

All this left me thinking I just needed to be more focused myself on learning the habits (like... perhaps... by reading about them, as my husband and CM suggested?  Yes, from Socrates, and Aristotle... and Maybe even in Laying Down the Rails?)

I needed to do better with not just SENDING them outside to do nature study but doing it with them myself. Baby and all! Ditto for being with them as they did their chores, cleaned themselves up, etc.

AND I needed to remember that that five minutes spent in a formal "lesson" needn't be mind-numbing memory work, but instead should contain a quick story, passage, or discussion to fit with the lessons we meet in nature or around the house. Something to inspire in them the desire to achieve habit mastery. Something which I myself understood well, so that I would be able to teach it well.

Some of you may want to check out this new publication from the makers of Laying Down the Rails to do just that. Yep, unbelievable as it may seem--- an email announcing it's availability just popped into my inbox as I was writing this blog post!

Can't wait for mine to get here. ;)

Fatherhood

My husband just wrote an amazing post over at his blog, Stromatais, on the topic of Fatherhood.

I want you guys to read it and pass it around if it touches you-- this is a message we strongly believe in and that has transformed our family as the vision has been revealed to us.

Click HERE to read it, and please share.

When husbands won't lead.

An old pastor of mine used to say: "you can't follow a parked car."
It's true-- leaders need to be going somewhere.
He gave me this advice in the context of preparing for marriage, as I went about my way looking for "the one" that God would give me. He warned me to stay away from those parked cars, and to pray for one who was moving. Fast. Towards Godliness, he told me, and not destruction.
I took that advice. In fact, I might have taken it too well. The man I married in the end is such a strong leader I have a hard time keeping up!! But don't think that means I have it easy-- men with naturally commanding personalities have their own challenges. ;)

One of the most common questions I hear wives discuss is the question of what to do when men won't lead. We understand our role relatively well. We believe we are willing, and we wait for opportunities to provide our helpful role. And we wait. And we wait. And we wait! If that sounds like you-- know that you are not alone. Women everywhere are sitting and praying and waiting for their husbands to take charge.

In my experience, that's where the trouble starts. You see, most of the time when I've been in this situation, I have waited, and waited, and waited. And grown impatient. And frustrated. Bitterness and resentment and --gasp-- disrespect have begun to rear their head. And yet: here's the kicker. He actually HAS been leading. Just not where I want to follow. He is giving me clear directions and distinct signs. He is doing things in a way that could not be more obvious. And yet I miss it, because I'm so focused on him leading me where I want to go that I miss his actual leadership-- and then blame him, pretending like he isn't going anywhere "good," or anywhere at all. Ahhh, sin.

Now, there are husbands who won't lead in any area--- they won't work, or won't make decisions, and they struggle. And these issues are more common than they should be. And I believe that any of us wives, even those of us with strong leadership-oriented husbands, have times when we experience this because-- guess what--- we married sinners. And sinners sin, and from time to time, they struggle. The nature of our culture and the messages out there in the secular world given to men ensure that men will battle in their minds with their vocation to lead. Apathy is a plague in our society, and the reasons for it should be glaringly obvious to any Christian. Real progress in any domain takes hard work, and we've all heard the old adage: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

A husband going through this kind of imitation-husbandry, when he plays the part of a husband but doesn't actually do the work it takes to provide for, protect, and serve his family needs encouragement and inspiration to step back into the fight. (or into it for the first time.) The film Courageous is a resource that addresses this in a beautiful way, and if you haven't seen it, I strongly recommend that you watch it. Don't be sneaky and try to get your husband to watch it when he doesn't want to. Watch it yourself, maybe watch it with your kids, and ask yourself what it will take to get your particular man motivated. Then pray, and get ready for your miracle. It won't be the first-- God is able to help your husband. Ask the Holy Spirit for advice in this area. Read your Bible for inspiration.

These struggles can be frustrating, but there is one area a man often won't lead that really tends to crush his Christian wife... That area is in spirituality. Almost every Christian woman I know either has-- or wants very much-- a man who does a few simple things. They are:

1. Lead the family in morning and evening devotions
2. Attend church and worship with the family
3. Have a regular habit of prayer and bible study

I would probably add a fourth-- every woman I know wants a man who has strong moral character. A man who is trying to improve himself and to seek God's will for himself and his family.

In fact, let's start in reverse. A man who is trying to improve himself and seek God's will -- is a man with a relationship with God. But that relationship, if it is real, will bear fruit in the form of religious habits which keep him disciplined and in spiritual shape. these will naturally spill out into his family. We all know how important these habits are for ourselves. We desire to see our husbands doing them, and doing them MORE than ourselves.

I will go so far as to say that a man who externally-- through his job or status, adherence to a religious affiliation, partnerships with Christian men, whatever-- "acts" like a Christian but does not lead his family in their faith is in sin. But I will also go so far as to say that a woman who does not look for, notice, and actively follow her husband's cues, as subtle as they might be, in this area, is also in sin. In other words-- get that plank outta your own eye first.

In the end, though, a man should be leading his family, starting with himself,  a wife should be an inspiring and good-bearing helpmeet, and a Christian family should have a strong and vibrant faith life.

So what if that's not what you have? 

A few things I've noticed about my own marriage in this area. Because yes, even my Mr. Command-Man (to use a term coined by Debi Pearl in Created to be His Helpmeet) sometimes struggles in leading his family spiritually, and sometimes I struggle in following his spiritual leadership.

Consider his spiritual background.
My husband comes from a long line of hypocrites. In his family life growing up, everyone called themselves Christians, poopooed all non-Christians, spoke Christian-ese, and went to Church religiously. BUT they argued and yelled the whole way to church, never had family devotions, ripped out and threw away every religious article that interested their kids that wasn't in line with their fundamentalist mindset, talked one way and acted another, got divorced, got remarried, got divorced, over and over to different people, beat their kids on the way to bible study,  abandoned their kids when they were most in need, etc. Whenever my husband's dad sat down to read the Bible, an argument would break out. By some miracle, through Grace alone-- he came out of that a Christian. But can you imagine the feelings he has associated with "religious" behavior?

Now your husband may not have had the same experiences, but consider his background when you are looking at the issue. What feelings and ideas might he associate with the types of activities you are hoping to see? How can you help him to change those and should you? Does he get a better sense of things by association with other families? By praying through and for healing in family relationships that were broken by this type of behavior? By attending a faith sharing group where these types of things are addressed? By reading a good book? Whatever it might be, there is an answer here. Somewhere, some how, he has negative associations with family devotions, because it's not like he hasn't heard about them.

Or perhaps he has NO concept of family devotions. His family didn't have them growing up and he wouldn't even know where to start or what it means. Perhaps he thinks its corny or artificial and would rather just "be good and do good." Exposure to the concept or idea, or simply starting some with your children and allowing him the freedom to participate as he desires without judging him or holding him accountable will certainly encourage him. God Himself holds your husband accountable for his behavior and habits around his wife and around his children. He doesn't need a harpie flying around reminding him of his shortcomings. He needs to see his wife and kids enjoying family devotions and to think--- I need that. I want to be a part of that.It is God's KINDNESS that leads us to repentance. (Romans 2:4)

Consider his manhood.
My husband is a man of action. One thing he cannot stand is what he calls "having a committee." This is what he says when he sees me start to sit down and plan and structure how to do every little thing from grocery shopping to family devotions to family events. He thinks much time is wasted on the planning part that could be more efficiently used in the doing part-- not that planning is bad, but that OVER planning, over thinking, over discussing, etc is a female-ish activity that needs squelching in his environment. While there are some areas I think these activities are useful, it is true that in the past, he has often exposed my weakness of overplanning and underacting. I like to think about and idealize events, activities and relationships, but not to do the hard work that it takes to make them happen. This is something I've been working on, with some degree of success, for years.

As a man, he takes everything seriously and means what he says. When he speaks, there are clues and points in there for me to pick up on. I need to listen. He doesn't like to repeat himself. And when he acts, he has thought it out, even if I haven't seen the process or it wasn't done the way I would have done it.

In other words-- and this is MY family, yours might be different-- there is no need to have a committee about everything. Instead, we go by his motto: "do good. be good."
My husband is a man, like all men he DOES express himself, albeit in a way that is different to what I'm accustomed to. Instead of doubting him or myself or falling prey to my emotions or ideas, I can listen to what he is saying. He means what he says.

Another thing he has often pointed out to me when I have lamented his "lack of leadership" in the spiritual area is that women are more emotionally driven than men. Call it a stereotype if you will, I call it a reality. We speak different languages.
Which then means that when I pray and speak to God, I give and receive a certain amount of emotional  communication. My praise and worship is filled with language that evokes particular feelings and emotions. My supplications are wrought with words that imply deep, longing needs. I cry and laugh and raise my hands and stomp my feet. That is me being real with God. And I am often thinking he isn't being real with God himself--- or that I don't see him "enjoying" the same type of relationship with God as I have. It has bothered me in the past.

When my husband speaks to God-- He is speaking to His heavenly father. And just as between fathers and sons deep exchanges are possible with a few respectful words, that is HIM being real with God. When I desire long, lengthy bible studies where we get to talk about how a passage makes us feel, and instead he gives me a brief, stern lecture on how a passage should have changed my life... I've learned to be filled with gratitude. Change, after all, is the point. Not good feelings. All the fun bible study ideas and bibley activities in the world aren't worth a dang if they don't change us.If my husband is a man of few words, who means what he says, he is going to bring the change and leave the ooey gooey behind. And I married him, so I accept that. In fact, over time I have come to very much appreciate and be grateful for his lack of sugar coating things. I can always count on him to tell me the truth in any situation. That is a blessing to me.

And lest you think I'm suggesting that a lack of compassion is a good thing, consider that a real man often is moved specifically BY his compassion. We, the "weaker sex" are so easily swayed this way and that and in so much need of their stability and solid framework.

Consider his precedent.
My husband says that great men almost always have rotten sons. This is something he prays about and guards against... because he desires BOTH to be a great man of God and to raise great men of God. We've seen the precedent throughout history-- through the PK (pastor's kids) phenomenon, for example, or through the sad heritage of the great men's sons who have paraded through our history books.
One thing we have noticed is that when men become pre-occupied with their OWN greatneess, it's a slippery slope downwards. My husband loves ash wednesday, when the priest traces an ashy cross on his forehead and tells him that he is dust, and to dust he shall return. Pride is often our greatest downfall, both  for husbands and wives. Even for parents-- as it prevents us from hearing our children and building a relationship with them and instead causes rifts and deep wounds. He believes that the most important thing a man can do is embrace his God-given vocation: the three part triangle which has for points his marriage, his fatherhood, and his work. If he is a man who has begun to make progress in the area of leadership where he hadn't been before, or whose wife is FINALLY beginning to make attempts to follow his leadership, it is clear that pride is the next enemy to overcome.

My husband says that when men have uninspired wives at home, they often come home and find their wives and children draining-- so they begin to "hide" themselves in the greatness of their work. This is why when I'm tired and in a bad mood-- my husband will spend hours upstairs writing a deep blog or a poem or parts of his book or something. But when husbands have gentle, meek, peaceful and happy wives, they find they enjoy their wives and children and become filled with joy in their primary vocation-- that of father and husband. Of course, he says, men must embrace their primary vocation first in order to achieve eternal success at their work. But, he says, it is a true test of manhood to embrace the primary vocation of husband and father when there is no one willing to be led and no joy or warmth to be found in the home.

Throughout history, it has been the traditional way that men lead and women follow. Only very recently have we women been given the freedom to say: "let's do it like this" uninvited. My best advice to you is not to abuse this privilege-- but instead to pray and ask God to make you the kind of women who would make our foremothers proud.

Some practical tips.
What, then, can we DO about this feeling that our husband is not leading?

1. Pray. Fervently.
2. Go to confession. Search your heart for places you have sinned and have not followed joyfully when he HAS been guiding you somewhere.
3. Delight in him. One of the things all happy wives have in common is the ability to overlook their husband's faults and to speak and believe only those qualities which make him ideally suited for HER. Disrespect is the opposite of delight. Find within you the grace you've already been given through the sacrament of holy matrimony to trust God fully and with abandon for your welfare, and delight in your husband.
4. Do not neglect the responsibility to teach your children. But ALWAYS use respectful words with your children about their father's leadership in this area. Even if all he does is bless them once before bed, be grateful and tell your kids so.
5. Look for ways he IS leading and follow him. Even-- especially-- if these are places you are uncomfortable going out of your own idea. One example is that my husband has created a culture of prayer in my family that is FAR more formal than what I had envisioned. And yet I see such growth in my children and in my self as a result of these formal prayer settings. I am very grateful for them.
6. Stop trying to turn him into someone/something he is not, and instead look for the wonderful things that make him unique and good.
7. Take some tips from Charlotte Mason and remember that habit is ten natures. Both for yourself, for your children, and for your husband, cultivate good and fruitful habits that build character and encourage each other in them.
8. Remember that what you say -- but more importantly, what you DO-- greatly influences your husband. That alone should give you a plan of action where you have been failing.
9. Speak his language. Many husbands are able to relax and focus more when their wives are attentive to their needs... be they sexual, emotional, or a need for cleanliness, order, or a good attitude.
10. Above all, trust God.

A praying people

I read this article the other day.
At first I was annoyed-- typical "Catholic" drivel about how praying spontaneously is something WE do instead of something GOD does in us. I let my feathers ruffle as I thought about the damage that encouraging people NOT to pray spontaneously together would do.

But then something funny happened-- I started to realize there was some truth to it. It is not so much that it was encouraging people NOT to engage each other to pray spontaneously. Instead, it was encouraging wives to pray formal prayers with their husbands, which would act as gateways to Kingdom living in their homes.

I believe that husbands and wives should pray spontaneously together, and that it should come easily, frequently and naturally. That husbands and wives should take the time to pray spontaneously together every day.

The article challenged me:

This type of intimate, spousal prayer might sound beautiful to women. But to most guys--good, devout guys--not so much. It requires seat-of-the-pants verbal skills that many of them do not have. Not to mention a willingness to, at times, express emotions that are hard for a guy to discuss with his wife in an ordinary conversation, let alone talk to God about with his wife listening in. It's one more example of a woman finding it therapeutic to talk about her problems, and the man finding the same activity to be close to torture.

So wives who want to persuade their husbands to pray with them, but find them recalcitrant, would be well-advised to drop the hand-holding, spill- your- guts- to -God- together idea, and go for something that is more realistic. That is, utilizing the type of prayer that the Catholic tradition excels at. Namely, reciting formal prayers that were written by someone else! Or I should say, reciting formal prayers while investing them with your own will, intentions, feelings, etc.

My husband has been a Christian much longer than I have. And like many, many Christians walking around this earth.... he believes with all his heart but he has never had the experience that Charismatics, both Catholics and Christians, refer to as "baptism in the Holy Spirit."

He has never been "overtaken" by the Holy Spirit. Never spoken in tongues. Never had a word of knowledge for anyone. His experience of the Holy Spirit is much more calm and steady. It's less of a loud, passionate, vibrant love affair and more of a kingdom mentality.  He bows and worships. He trembles and fears. He loves, he obeys, and experiences the goodness of The King. He is moved and moves. His love for God is like the love of a couple who knows and trusts each other because they've been married for years and struggled to communicate for years. It's beautiful, but it is intimate. Above all... it is private.

It's not that he hasn't ASKED for Baptism in the Spirit. It's that he isn't one to do/say something that is contrived of his flesh. And because God Himself has not reached down and CHANGED the way my husband prays, he has not changed it. It's not that he doesn't exhibit the fruits of the Spirit-- he absolutely does. Rather, it's that he doesn't look like/act like a Charismatic Christian in his appearance, and for a long time, I wasn't OK with that.

I've been around Charismatics all my Christian life, and usually praying from a book pains me. I use books as a starting off point to get me going, and it's not uncommon for me to spend an hour at a time "lost" in a prayer-dance with God. I sing random songs. I get moved and say what I'm thinking. I feel inspired and speak God's Word back to Him. I sing, I laugh, I cry, I get on my knees, I stand up. I clap my hands and stomp my feet. I listen. I spend a lot of time listening.

My husband, on the other hand, usually stands very still, closes his eyes, and folds his hands in his lap during prayer. When he leads our family in prayer, it's often in familiar prayers... The Our Father. The Hail Mary. The Apostles Creed. The Glory Be. He likes to pray straight out of his Bible, or straight out of a prayer book. He and I met in Jewish services on post at Ft Jackson, and he and I have often prayed straight out of the Jewish prayer book together.

In the beginning of our marriage, I'd be bored to death and wondering why he wasn't more "spiritual." He, on the other hand, was content. And my kids who didn't always know "what to say" when they talked to God, were participating.

When he became a Catholic, one of the first things my husband really latched onto was the rosary. He prayed the rosary all the time, and was constantly reminding us to do the same. I prayed the rosary quite a bit. But I also prayed the Divine Office (the psalms with the Church) and preferred it.
That's what I prayed with the kids when he was gone.

It's not that I didn't like the rosary- I love it. But I have to be in the right frame of mind to pray the rosary, whereas praying the psalms, I find, puts me in the right frame of  mind. I love a rosary when I'm super frustrated and rocking a grumpy baby in the dark... but if I am standing free before my God, I pray a little differently.

I think that's just me... I'm a very biblically driven person and the biblical language is something that brings me to life and ignites my being. It has been the focal point of my spiritual life from the beginning, and it is how I work out my salvation.

So prayer in my family had always been kind of ... awkward. We know that it is only through daily prayer that we will truly live, so we do it. But it's a learning experience.
In the beginning, I prayed with the kids, and he prayed with me.

My prayer times with the kids were extravagant--- loud, worshipful, expressive.
My prayer times with him were quiet and formal.

Over time, I noticed that my oldest two children responded REALLY well to the prayers at mass. They absolutely love the rhythmic chanting, the eloquent language that speaks to them, and the distinct roles they have: now we stand. now we sit. now we bow. now we cross ourselves.
Their prayers were hung on these pegs and I noticed their prayers began to really improve and become intimate moments with God when that happened.

So I jumped in to praying formal prayers with my kids. We pray the liturgy of the hours together morning and evening, and there is a time for spontaneous prayer included, but because it has a format, it's comforting to all of us. When I did that, I noticed that each of my children developed their own prayer-habits.
My oldest became really invested in eucharistic adoration.... even spending time on her knees facing the nearest tabernacle each day. She is a little evangelist, and quite adept.
My second child is a bit prophetic. He speaks to inanimate objects and commands them. He famously will pray for up to an hour spontaneously and when the mood hits him-- often in the bathroom.  My third is a singer. She truly prays twice when she sings hymns.
And so it goes.

Another thing I noticed is that when  we began to pray formal prayers together as a family, my husband and I began to pray spontaneously together... something we hadn't done much up until then. And it wasn't until we ALL prayed formally together that this began to change. Suddenly, I would mention a difficult situation one of our friends was in, and instead of saying: "remember to pray for her," he would say to me: ""let's pray for her right now. Come here..."

My heart burst. THIS was the prayer life I believe a Christian family should have. And for the first time in my life, instead of it being artificial or me forcing it, it was natural and our natural leader, my husband, was leading it. Beautiful.

So it's been about a year that this change has taken place, and I am quite sure that we are well on the way to a meaningful family prayer life.

Last night, two of our dearest male friends were visiting. They came by to say goodbye as one of them was on the last leg of a trip. We caught up, we shared a glass of wine, we talked politics, and  they wrestled the kids. But then, instead of saying goodbye, as we were winding down,  one of them said: "Let's pray a rosary together before we leave."
Now, these are some of our dearest friends. And we have prayed together many times-- quick bursts of prayer at various times during holidays, during mass together, etc. But never a rosary. Never like this. I was... surprised, to say the least. Grateful, but surprised.

They asked my husband to lead the rosary  and sent my kids off to the family altar to gather rosaries for everyone.

I had a momentary panic.
.... but my kids aren't used to the rosary and will probably act up.
.... but my father in law hates the rosary and will probably be uncomfortable hearing us pray it.
.... but my husband says the rosary weird and will probably lead it funny
.... why can't we just PRAY??
We began. We chose the luminous mysteries (it was Thursday). My husband led us... and
it. was. PERFECT.

To sit in a room with three men, three husbands, three fathers, humbly praying the rosary... perfect.
Each man was holding a child and teaching them how to pray by holding their little fingers around the "right" beads, by explaining what each mystery means and what it revealed to us about God's character....perfect.
Each man reverently bringing his intentions, his family, and (because these men are men of influence in the community and therefore in the world) his nation before God and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed. Perfect.

I thank God for formal prayers. I thank God for the rosary---I thank God for the Liturgy of the Hours. I thank God for the Catholic Church who gave us these prayers, through which many parents, spouses, and friends truly become ONE VOICE united in prayer. Through them, progress in prayer is made. Through them charity and humility become the standard.

Through them three men joined powerfully in the Holy Spirit last night to change a devastated nation, starting with each other. Through formal prayers our family and friends have truly become a praying people.
Glory be to God always.

The words women use

My mom just left after a beautiful, fast little visit, and I had lots of little insights when she was here because it was a very different kind of trip that the ones we usually have.

My parents have been married for 30 years and they are really, wildly, totally in love. They are awesome that way and I think an example to so many. Growing up, they were the only people around who were still together and I'm thankful for that. Their marriage has withstood the test of the kids flying the coop. They are the kind of parents who gross out their kids by still holding hands and kissing. It's wonderful, and I thank God for both of them.

In that context, it might be funny to hear what that has to do with nagging, but here goes. My mom is Mediterranean, my dad is American. You know that scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding (that movie is the story of my life) where we hear: "because the Portokallos women.... if they are not nagging somebody.... they die!!"??
That's the women in my family. I bet that's the women in your family, too. But in my family, it's particularly poignant.
My dad has lovingly nicknamed my mom "the Harpy." o.O

My mom tells my dad what to do, no doubt about it, and she does it loud and she does it often. I mean, she's from the south of France. She will tell perfect strangers what to do and trees how to grow. But most of the time, she isn't berating him when she does it....she doesn't think LESS of my dad (in fact, she thinks the world of him!),  she just expresses her ideas/thoughts/opinions about how things should be done... And has a tendency to make a stink when things are NOT done that way. (I particularly enjoyed, for example, watching her and my husband, both born leaders, make the bed together. Bless her heart, she was making the man's own bed-- a bed she had never seen before-- but she was going to tell him how it's done correctly.)

So women in my family do it sweetly, and they don't berate their husbands, but in a mediterranean context "not berating" is still slathering on a good dose of guilt and/or fist shaking and "what in the world would make you do it THAT way???"- ing. And the men don't seem to mind, other than when they "escape" from time to time to complain about it while sipping coffee and grabbing a quiet corner of the house to read in. I have an uncle who makes a special trip over to my aunt's house in the mornings just to chat for five minutes about how bossy his beautiful wife is being before he goes to work. She tells him what time to drink his coffee, which tie to wear, and what to bring to work. He gets ready, and then often makes a quick stop at my aunt's house where he lingers for a while making jokes about how his wife told him what time to go to sleep and which position was best for him to sleep in, what coffee mug to use and how much sugar to put in. And then he goes to work.... and calls his wife to say I love you. They've been married more than 35 years.

Said aunt he goes to visit married a Corsican. All the women in my family clucked about her marrying him because the farther south you go to find a husband, the greater the fear he will enslave you. This aunt takes pleasure in serving her husband and honoring him by trusting him and conforming to him. He is happy and tends to be the most easy going, relaxed and enjoyable of all the uncles. She has learned the great secret described in My Big Fat Greek Wedding: "The man is the head, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants." (A wise woman, of course, wants "the Lord's way." More on that later.)

American women are a different breed of nag. They tend to be bossy less about daily life choices and more about feelings and how they are treated.

My mom and my aunts are no different than you or me. They are operating in a condition that women have operated in since the dawn of man. Eve nagged Adam to get that apple. Where do we think Greeks got the idea for Harpies? This is the "natural condition" of women. But I want to be spiritual.

I fight it with all my little might.

It started the first day my husband jokingly called me "fishwife." I thought about it for a while and realized I had been annoying him with incessant chatter and nagging. Then I noticed that most of the men in my life who have women who do that have an issue I think is kind of sad:  They might be devoted to and think the world of their women as their respected wives, but more often than not it doesn't prevent them from having different person or object they turn to and hold up as their muse. They are frequently inspired by things other than their wives/ families.

They might range in behavior from belittling their wives in a joking manner to actually flirting with or openly admiring other women from time to time. Others simply speak poorly about their wives when they are fed up. Some never say a bad word about their wives, but lie or run away from time to time to escape. And I've noticed that men who are in similar situations and who are less moral end up having problems I never want my own man to have. They range from being inspired or encouraged by other women to having issues with pornography and / or adultery. And why wouldn't they? After all, if we believe a man was born to lead his family, then not allowing them to do that is pretty emasculating. My husband finds nagging wives horrifying. They literally repulse him. We know this. I have blogged about it before.

And maybe it's just me, but I want the kind of man who acts like a King should and who treats me like a Queen. No, not just a Queen. HIS Queen. I see a man who takes charge and makes decisions as sexy. I see how a good woman encourages a man to rise above and be the best he can be. I think my world is safer when men are being men and women are being women. It is less stressful and more enjoyable. I think we all agree with that, but we nag because we fear our OWN husbands won't live up to the task. We are afraid to let them lead.

As a side note, my old pastor used to say: "You can't follow a parked car." In some families, we may ALL agree there needs to be headship somewhere, but we can't follow a leader who isn't leading. Maybe some wives nag out of desperation. Maybe they do it for a reason... to get their husbands to get off their butts and point towards somewhere. It's a temptation that might be rooted in a response to another person's sin, but it's pretty obvious that two wrongs don't make a right.

The Bible has some choice things to say about naggers. The greater issue of the misuse of the tongue is really a whole book I could write (if you want to read a great one I didn't write try this one.)


Proverbs 21:9 ESV

It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs 27:15 ESV

A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike;


Proverbs 21:19 ESV

It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.


Proverbs 25:24 ESV

It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.


Proverbs 19:13 ESV

A foolish son is ruin to his father, and a wife's quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.

and lest you think it's JUST the author of proverbs:

1 Peter 3:5-6 ESV

For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.


1 Peter 5:3 ESV

Not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.


1 Peter 3:1-2 ESV

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.


My point is..... why nag? I'm not saying that all the mediterranean women in my life who love their husbands and nag, nag, nag are evil people.... I am saying they have a sinful habit. Most of them are wonderful, caring, compassionate and devoted wives with a strong desire to bless their husbands. And I don't think they realize that there is a better way.

Here is what the Bible says about that "better way:"


Proverbs 16:24 ESV

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.


Ephesians 4:29 ESV

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.


Proverbs 12:18 ESV

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.


1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV
Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

Now, I don't know about you, but when I set my mind to change an innate behavior, I tend to look for root causes. What is it about nagging that seems like such an easy and logical choice for so many women?

I think nagging is rooted in fear. We nag because we fear so very many things.

That we aren't safe.
That we aren't respected.
That we aren't loved.
That we aren't wise.
That we aren't interesting.
That we aren't in control.
That we would have done it better.
That someone else IS doing it better.

Ironically, nagging brings those things to be. By speaking them with our mouths, we get exactly what we are asking for. Remember that we are made in the image of God, and that God created with a Word.

One helpful thing I have done to help me kick the habit is to write down the promises God's word has for me about my fears. Then, when I feel like nagging, I think about why I am about to nag and what fear is at the root of that desire. And then I pray those instead of opening my mouth to nag. It also helps me to remember that the Bible says that we are called to submit to and obey our husbands, words which modern women in the advent of "feminism" are horrified by. But the Bible reminds us in Proverbs 17:11 that a cruel messenger (the same word used to describe an angel-- in other words, a demon) will be sent to she who seeks only rebellion. Obedience is our protection from evil. It is freedom and security and our "safe place."
Most men today do not lead because most women will not follow. The Bible says that the TONGUE is the rudder for our entire ship. (James 3:1-18) In other words, we follow where our tongues go. So if we submit first our TONGUES, then the rest of us will follow. God knows this because He reminds us that "the mouth of a loose woman is like a deep pit." (Proverbs 22:14)
If you want a man who will lead you, but do it right,  and are frustrated enough with your man on a daily basis to boss him around, consider what behavior you could have that might lead him to feel respected, and then do that. Make a commitment today to stop nagging him. A man who feels respected will act respectably.

Pray this with me today:

Psalm 141:3 ESV

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Also, I don't know who this person is, but I am glad she is doing this--  "You can only change YOURSELF, but when you change, a relationship changes."

On the medium of film and marital bliss

Sorry it's been so long since I posted, but I just brought home a newborn, so I guess I'm off the hook for a while. :)

During our first week of newborn heaven, my husband and I --on a Down Under kick--- finally got around to watching this movie called Australia, an epic film we can't recommend enough to people.
After watching it about ten times in a row, we started joking around with each other using lines from the movie, which is how we roll.

There are a number of scenes that we were in hysterics over because they so perfectly exemplified our marital dynamic. The top two are below:






I am pretty sure we reacted so strongly to them because we have had identical conversations, complete with similar hand gestures and threats. Even our children recognized us in them.

Movies can be a great way of breaking tension in a marriage and helping a couple to maintain a sense of humor and long term vision. Though the scenes above are hilarious, they don't feel hilarious when it's you in the middle of them. Something about watching other people go through things, especially in a relaxing setting like while watching a film, is deeply healing....and for us, this glorious and simple film, Australia, has become both a symbol of hope and a sign of our joy.

Which movies remind you of your marriage, and have you ever watched them together?

The glory of virtuous womanhood, found in unlikely places.

When my husband and I were first married, he often tried to read to me the story of the Brave 300 at Thermopolae. I would listen half-heartedly for a few minutes and then roll over and go to sleep. It was a story I'd heard before, and not one in which I found anything particularly moving or interesting for my feminine nature to dwell on.
One day, we got a phone call from my brother, asking if my husband was excited to go see the movie "300" and whether we wanted to go with him.
"I don't know. What is that?" we asked.
We pulled up a preview online and my jaw dropped-- a movie about one of his favorite stories? He would be ecstatic. And I would be bored. :) However, there was something slightly intreguing that struck me. In watching the preview, I saw something that will forever illustrate for me what the experience getting to know of the inside of my man's mind looks like. I recognized him and the way he thinks in it.
Madness? This. is. Sparta.
On the surface, it's a now-famous movie scene that most people think is awesome. But imagine living the mental equivalent of those actions on a daily basis. Nowadays, we don't think a guy who acts like King Leonidas is "good." We call him a jerk. And yet to the ancients he was a noble king! It gave me pause.

I sent them off together to watch it and settled into the couch with the baby and a chick-flick.
A short while later, I got a phone call.
It was my husband, calling from the lobby of the theater in the middle of the movie. He was calling to tell me he would watch the baby so that I could go and see the movie myself, and that it was important to him.
"That good, huh?" I said, yawning.
His response was wounding:
"You need to see this movie so you can learn how to be a wife."

At the time, I'm not gonna lie, I thought: "Why the hell did I marry this creep?"
Here I was, busting my butt to be the perfect wife, doing everything I could to make sure the miserable, tiny studio apartment we lived in was clean, the cookies were fresh-baked, the baby was happy, he was happy... and here he was, watching some movie and getting inspired by some dumb character. To hell with him.

But I grimaced and set my face into a smile: "OK, babe." I said.
I walked into that movie ready to hate Queen Gorgo's guts and plotting ways to let him have it and/or make my escape from our marriage.
I walked out shamed, humbled, and a better wife.

You see, my husband is a FANATIC of all things classically manly, from Braveheart and Rob Roy to Appaloosa and Last of the Mohicans, and especially when it comes to the Classical world.
In my house, we alternate read-alouds of all the epic tales with viewings of Alexander, Troy, Rome, Clash of the Titans, and The Odyssey.

In the beginning, I used to grumble. These stories seemed to have nothing to offer me- they were all about men who lived long ago in settings I couldn't relate to and stories of battles and war. But once I quit complaining and started listening, I have come to learn that in the quiet, hidden lives of the wives of these men, the great heros of civilization, I have learned almost everything I need to know to be a wife.

In the case of the film version of the story of Queen Gorgo and King Leonidas, for example, there is much to learn. Sure, on the surface, it's a hollywoodized cheesy love story, a background to the story of an epic battle thrown in to keep the guys' attention. But the story of the Brave 300 is a true one, and was taught to all the ancients.

Imagine BEING Gorgo. Imagine being married to a man who has weighty responsibilities outside the home and who was raised and leads in a culture where women play second fiddle to the men because there is so much need for heavy military action. Being married to a man who simply doesn't have time for our crap.

Whenever  I reflect on how women's roles have changed, I am disheartened, for though it was hard to be a women in any age of history when men "held the power positions" and women were at their mercy, it is possibly just as challenging to us to live in a culture where women have been raised to "equality" at things which they are not equal in, and further difficult to live in a culture where women are expected to be both men and women.

Throughout history, good wifehood has been "not optional." There have been times and places where if women were NOT "wives of valor," they were killed, abused, or left to fend for themselves and die. In some situations, even when they were.

Now I'm not saying that we should go back to these times, for obviously we have become "civilized" by our understanding that women and children come first, (the Titanic taught us that, right? :D)

But as a woman who is married to a man which I call "savagely civilized," by virtue of his upbringing in which there was no female influence and in which he was taught that military prowess, survival ability, and furthering the cause of civilization while protecting his land were the ONLY worthy pursuits, I can tell you that the "wildness" of man, which was wholly unknown to me before I married one, serves a needed purpose in society.

And in my marriage! In being married to a man who is uncompromisingly Spartan and ""manly" I have learned many things. It has been like a boot camp, in which every shred of  physical, mental, or emotional weakness has been stripped from me. At the same time...

I have developed courage for situations I would never have imagined facing.
I have learned that respect is earned and not given. And that we must give it to earn it.
I have learned that good communication does not need words.
I have learned that there simply are. no. excuses.
I have learned that pain is weakness leaving the body.
I have learned that nothing is easy, but we have to do it anyways.
I have learned that pain is temporary, and pride is forever.
I have learned that a good soldier obeys orders, even when they don't make sense.
I have learned that there simply is no room for petty foolishness in progress.
I have learned that I'll sleep when I'm dead... and that's ok.
I have learned that I'll be doing it "right" the day I do it all.
I have learned that there is truth to the message that there is glory in the Cross and in suffering well.
I have learned to care for myself without requiring others to do it for me.

and many, many other lessons along the way.

Whenever my marriage gets tough, I will often say to myself: "I'm upset now. And rightly so! This is unjust. But how would my sisters who have gone before me, married to the most difficult of men, have reacted? What did  the ancient mothers do? What have the saints done?"
Penelope endured years of faithfulness and courage in the face of single motherhood, war and disappearance and was rewarded for it. Queen Gorgo endured the challenges of motherhood to a man whose difficult respect she had earned by the sweat of her brow. There are more than 25 patron saints of difficult marriages, among them Monica and St Rita of Cascia, who were married to men who were both difficult, unbelieving, and abusive. And yet they THRIVED in these environments, not only becoming saints themselves but raising saints and helping all people to survive with grace the most challenging aspects of life.

Queen Gorgo had unfaltering respect for her man, even when he doubted himself or she doubted him.
She had courage and an uncomplaining spirit. She had physical and mental agility to complete the tasks required of her position as Wife, Mother and Queen. She knew well the expectations of her role and did what she had to in order to earn not only the king's RESPECT, but his love and devotion. She was able to know him well enough to think like him to lead in his place. When she finally broke down and wept, it was in dignity and honor, not in a loss of control. She earned the love and respect of her husband, not by manipulating him with her emotions or demanding communication and "fairness" but rather by using her womanly strengths: tenderness and the touch of beauty, combined with her inner belief in the importance of what they were both doing... building a strong, honorably, and worthy society.
Queen Gorgo was the daughter of a King of Sparta, the wife of a second king of Sparta, and the mother of a third king of Sparta. What an honor was given to this woman, and how much we can all learn in our marriages from studying the story of her life and the lives of all the "hidden" wives behind the great heros of mythology and history.

There were other city-states, and ancient men of different breeds reigned in them, providing a much needed venue for learning philosophy and the arts. There were wives of different sorts there... and if your husband is more like the athenians, you wives who would do well to study the lives of the ancients there to learn what skills were needed to help them do what they did best. Athens was the cradle of civilization.
Sparta was different. Sparta was savage, and it was thanks to Sparta that Athens was free to grow and thrive.   In our modern world, we need both.

As we homeschool our children, teaching them the Classical liberal arts that derived from the wisdom of ancient greece, they are lucky enough to grow up in the home of a "savage" Spartan, getting the best of both worlds. It is fitting, then, that over time I've come to learn to love the wisdom left me by the ancient mothers of Greece, mothers like Penelope who, in a speech that stirs when she describes how the poor choices of other wives and women (in this case, Helen of Troy) have affected her, laid it all out for us to witness:

My dears, heaven has been pleased to try me with more
affliction than any other woman of my age and country. First I
lost my brave and lion-hearted husband, who had every good
quality under heaven, and whose name was great over all Hellas and middle Argos, and now my darling son is at the mercy of the winds and waves, without my having heard one word about his leaving home."

That very difficulty is the one that gave her glory that has lasted throughout all the ages... Glory which inspires and helps us women who know her story to live by the values which form lasting virtue to inspire our daughters in the future and help them to build up a society that changes the face of the world.

So the next time your husband kicks back to watch a "man" movie, quit whining and take a seat next to him. Or, after a fight, when you're tempted to wallow in the bittersweet loveliness of watching your favorite chick flick with a tub of ice cream, try throwing in a "man" movie instead and laying off the ice cream. You might come out a better wife.

After all... if you're like me and This. Is. Sparta.... there's no room for weakness here.
;)

A prayer for our husbands

In the name of the Father + and the Son + and the Holy Spirit + 

Lord, let my husband be known in the gates , when he sits among the elders of the land (Prov 31:23)
Give him work that allows him to be good and do good, for a little is better with righteousness than vast revenues without justice. (prov 16:8) Blessed shall he be in the city, and blessed shall he be in the country. Blessed shall be the fruit of his body, the produce of his ground, and the increase of his herds. Blessed shall be his basket and his kneading bowl, for You, Lord, have promised to be the one to go before him, to be with him, and not forsake him-- therefore let him not be afraid. (Deut 28:3-6, 31:8)
Your Word says that he must be strong and of good courage. (Joshua 1:9) Give him every place the soul of his foot shall tread, and let him not turn to the right or to the left to deviate from your law, so that he will prosper wherever he goes. (Joshua 1:7)
Lord, send your Holy Spirit to quicken his Spirit, and teach him your ways. Your raise the poor out of the dust and lift the needy out of the ash heap to set them with princes (Psalm 113:7) and so we praise You, O God! The heart of my husband trusts in You, Lord, so deliver him from evil men. Break Satan's yoke from him and burst his bonds apart. (Nahum 1:13)
Lord, you say to the devil those same words you have reserved for the false prophet: that you are against him, that you will burn his chariots in smoke, that the sword shall devour his young lions and that the voice of his messengers will be heard no more. (Nahum 2:13)
B y the power of your Holy Spirit, God, teach me to pray for my husband and break every curse over him by the blood of Jesus, who died on the cross for our sins. Thank You, Lord! Your glory is from everlasting to everlasting, and we will never cease to sing your praise, O King of heaven!

Passion and Purity

I have been pulling quotes from this book, Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, to a single friend today and pulling it off the shelf for the first time in a while.
For those of you who don't know who she is, Elisabeth is the famous wife of missionary Jim Elliot who was killed in the amazon river basin by the indigenous people he was called to serve.
She is a speaker and author, and to me is and always has been a seeker and finder of Truth with a capital T.
Though she is not a Catholic writer, she is a Catholic thinker as evidenced by her work.
From what I understand of her personal life, her brother has converted to the Catholic faith. From what I read that she has written, she writes the truths of the Catholic faith. Because she is revered and well known by non Catholic Christians as a very holy and faithful woman, it would cause a ruckus if she were to convert. Whether or not that is her reasoning for NOT converting  is honestly none of our business. All I know is that both protestants and Catholics will LOVE her books. Kind of like a female CS Lewis... exhibiting three of the four marks of the True Church: One, Holy, Catholic... and lacking the "Apostolic." :)
This particular book is one I would give to any young woman, about dating and preparation for marriage, and the meaning of womanhood.
It makes me want to cry just knowing how much wisdom there was in here that I doubted as a single person, and knowing how to the degree that I followed its advice, I received such a blessing in my marriage. If I knew then what I know now!
My dear friend Liza gave this book to me when I was first learning what it means to allow Jesus to be Lord of ALL my life. Like most young women, I was pre-occupied with boys, and wanted nothing more than to know with certainty what my future held.
Having grown up in the world, I had absolutely no sense of myself as a woman, only shreds and remnants that modern, anti-woman feminism hadn't yet completely destroyed.
I had never really considered words like "meek" and "quiet" and "modest" in relation to my personhood, and it was very hard to peel the layers of that onion. So hard in fact, that though I loved and respected Liza very much and believed in the picture of the spirit-filled life she was painting because I saw the fruit of it in her own life, I struggled to understand and apply the things she was teaching me because they were so different and so... HARD.
Of course,. the other way was hard too. I wasn't getting anywhere, and I wasn't happy. But I wasn't weird, either, because I was doing what everyone else was doing to some degree. Now that I had this book in my hands it was like God calling me to stand apart from everyone and watch and trust.
I was afraid.
But I was intregued.
I went through three or four copies of this book. The first one I was given I shredded in a fit of anger. The second, I threw out. One day, in despair and knowing that I had worn out any possible chance of success at this "love thing," despite lots of success at finding interested men-- at least for a while--I marched over to the bookstore and picked up a new copy. And I tore through it from cover to cover.
I left for the Army determined to apply every principle I had read. I came back married. God's way works.
It was a hard marriage in the beginning, and applying the things I had learned in the book helped. God's way works.
We've been married for a long time now, and we love each other very much. Did I mention that God's way works?

So what is the radical message of this book?
It is simple: trust, develop a relationship with God, and wait. 

I will never forget the day I read these words on the page:

"My heart was saying:" Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long!" The Lord was answering: "I must teach you to long for something better."

The book is filled with little pieces of wisdom she has gleaned through her years of devotion to God, reading His Word , and personal experience.
For example, on the topic of what men actually want, she says:

Women are always tempted to be initiators. We like to get things done. We want to talk about situations and feelings, get it out into the open, deal with it. It appears to us that men often ignore and evade issues, sweep things under the rug, forget about them, get on with projects , business, pleasure, sports, eat a big steak, turn on the television, roll over, and go to sleep. Women respond to this tendency by insisting on confrontation, communication, showdown. If we can't dragoon our men into that, we nag, we plead, we get attention by tears, silence or withholding warmth, intimacy, and attention. we have a large bag of tricks.

CS Lewis' vision of purgatory was a place where milk was always boiling over, crockery smashing, and toast burning. The lesson assigned to men was to do something about it. The lesson assigned to women was to do nothing. That would be purgatory for most of us. Women, especially when it comes to the love life, can hardly stand to do nothing.

And yet... that is what we must do! Wait, and do nothing, maintaining holy friendships with all...  and trust, keeping them at arms' length until there is a declaration of love and intent from a man. 

Not only is this necessary for the purity and future health of the marriage, it is a treasure for the woman to have and hold the true meaning of womanhood not only in the single or celibate life but in the married life as well. It helps me TODAY, in my marriage, to know these truths, and when I forget them, my marriage has suffered.

What do men want from women?

This list is hers, but I have seen it over and over again through the years in everything from cosmo to psych journals.... always the same.

Femininity.
Affirmation.
Encouragement.
Tenderness.
Sensitivity.

Vulnerability.
And lastly-- mystery. that there is much in the inner workings of a woman's heart that he hasn't discovered yet.

In my own life, I have witnessed couples who have lived by these rules and seen the fruit of them. I have friends who never kissed another person until their wedding day. I have friends who remained unaffiliated and unattached until their engagement day. They have lives full of joy, even in the midst of trials and difficulties. 

I have friends who have done nothing like that and claim that they are very happy with their choices. I know that I have regrets in my own choices NOT to follow her advice and that's all I can go by. 

Buy this book for your daughters, no matter what your religious background.

Read it yourselves. It is a powerful testimony of the glory of womanhood fully lived, and a heart-warming relevation of the touch of the Divine Hand in the human experience.

I have never read another book which so aptly captures the beautiful experience of womanhood and the sacredness of our calling.