Yet another treatise on Submission

Those DAR ravelers are at it again, and this time instead of getting into a seventy-hour arguement that ends with me smashing my head against the nearest brick wall, I thought I would lay out my thoughts, point blank, in a blog.
The topic at hand is "submission:" What it means, how it works, why it looks different than in other households, why it isn't a BDSM game, and why the Pearls over at No Greater Joy Ministries are or aren't awesome.

Let's start with the basics. In conservative "biblical" homes, we practice a type of submission which places special emphasis on two points. First, we are called to "mutual submission." ie, according to Ephesians 5 we are called to submit to one another in love. Likewise, we practice "wifely submission," because scripture tells us wives to "submit to our husbands."

The very first thing I hear lots of women who subscribe to this theory say in their own defense is to immediately call out "I'm submitted, but that doesn't mean I'm a doormat." I suspect that this response has something to do with their own insecurities as women.... after all, I'm not ashamed to say that sometimes, it DOES mean being a doormat! But the point they are trying to make is a valid one-- it's that we are first of all choosing to do the right thing and submit to our husbands. No one has forced us to take this decision. And no, that doesn't mean feminists gave us that right, although they like to take that credit, I've noticed.

Second, I want to say this: the well-ordered biblical, ephesians home comes under the headship of Christ, who is manifested in the headship of the husband who seeks Him, through the love of the wife who seeks Him. In other words, if the husband is following Christ, then what do we need to fear by submitting to him? Unfortunately for us, we all marry sinners. And that's where it gets complex, because it confounds some people that we can marry sinners and yet accept and love them as they are rather than placing demands on them.

For some of us, this plays out more than others. In this complicated world of mixed up gender roles and the virtual erasing of our sexual differences, we are often faced with the notion, even from birth, that we should somehow transcend traditional gender roles and forego the old "boys with trucks and girls with dolls" thing. Since the sixties, our parents have been progressively hammering us with this feminist garbage (even my parents tried... I've blogged before about my terrifying discovery of the book "Minou" in my child's bookshelf.) and as a result, gender roles are being virtually erased.

Fifty years ago, men waited in the waiting room with cigars while women supported and surrounded each other in the birthing room--- now men are catching babies themselves and eating the placenta. It used to be that moms wore aprons and changed diapers, and served hot meals on cue with fresh lipstick on and not one hair out of place. Nowadays, guys come home from work for the baby handoff to a wife in sweats who is ordering chinese. I could go on and on, but you get what I'm saying... things have changed so much that it's actually quite shocking to ANYONE these days to imagine that things could ever have "worked" the old way.

So, with that in mind, I present to you my submitted marriage for scrutiny.

In order to get a full picture, you first must lose the whole puritan, victorian-era "buttoned up, hair up" mentality that you imagine when you hear the word "submission." Automatically, I know most of you have visions of cold, docile, uptight wives. Scratch that.... I'm talking about a household full of love, warmth, and tenderness. I'm talking about a household where the kids are in line, where the joy is tangible, and where smiles get passed around.

Now, it doesn't always start out the way you'd think.
In my house, I'll be totally blunt, my work sucks. I do everything (and I do mean everything, I even take out the trash around here) around the house. I cook, I clean, I homeschool, I organize, I pay bills, I fix broken things, I play, I bathe, I change diapers, I wake up in the night with the kids, I make breakfast for everyone, I do mountains of laundry, and the list goes on and on. I did this as a married woman, I did it when I was pregnant, and I did it when I was pregnant with a toddler. As of today, I can't imagine that I will ever NOT be doing this. I have not slept more than six hours in a row since 2004. And those who know me personally know that I occasionally find extreme frustration in it and NOT joy-- but if I really examine myself in those moments, I find that the reason for that is that I am totally, completely, and incredibly submerged in myself. Those moments tend to happen when people either feel sorry for me and get me thinking, or when they talk amongst themselves and get me thinking. Either way, it's when I allow other people's opinions to cloud what I KNOW I'm called to do.

You see, I have a husband who simply doesn't respond well to nagging. Furthermore, I have a husband who won't stand for whining. And when it comes down to it, I have a husband who really, truly, and genuinely finds happiness when things are "running smoothly." Furthermore, I have a husband who can be at worst a bear and at best a HUGE pain in the butt when he's in a bad mood and things are not "running smoothly" according to his standards.

Second, I ask you to consider that not all men are the same.
When I was growing up, I had lots of examples of "submitted wives" to choose from. I saw how in many marriages, the women would serve the men and give their all, and how the men would only periodically recognize the great effort it took for these women. I also have seen how in many cases these men who allowed themselves to be served also treasured their women above all other things... Like the proverbs 31 woman, they know their wives are as priceless as rubies. In my own life, this is certainly the case-- my husband often amazes me with the level of love he gives me.

I have friends who are committed to being submitted wives and whose marriages look NOTHING like mine. Debi Pearl, in her book "Created to Be His Helpmeet" which will change your life if you let it, says that this is because men are created differently. She breaks them down into three types: Mr. Command Man, (in the image of God the Father), Mr. Visionary, (in the image of God the Holy Spirit) and Mr. Steady (in the image of GOd the Son). Our wifely submission looks different in each case because we are better helpmeets to our men if we are aware of what personality type they have and adjust accordingly. My Mr. Command man doesn't want to "create the family vision," he just wants everything to go well until he makes an adjustment. So, it annoys him to no end if I ask him to participate in the "planning stages." Other husbands, different stories. The key to submission is to LET your man be who he is and to work with that to help him be the best he is so that in turn he can lead you to be the best YOU are.

It doesn't take much effort to figure out who is who--- and obviously I, like Ms Pearl, am married to a Mr. Command man. Many of you will say you are certainly glad NOT to be married to one, but I (and I'm sure Ms. Pearl) can testify that the joys of being a successful helpmeet to a Mr Command Man far outweigh the joys we personally would experience being married to a Mr. anything else man. Why? Because we know God knew what He was doing when He put us with our men!

Likewise, a non-subscriber to the "Submitted" wifestyle might ask how in the world one goes about solving problems if we're always saying "yes" to our husbands. The answer to that is that we don't. Sometimes, we say no!
the thing is, we do two things which I consider wise indeed. First, we pick our battles. and second, we make what's called a "biblical appeal." We wait for the right time, we choose ways to show why we're right through scripture, and we practice patience, knowing when to step out and pray and close our mouths.

SOMETIMES being a good helpmeet means standing UP to a husband. It means taking the time to help him grow by loving and patiently challenging him to do so. But it never means nagging, whining, manipulating or self-serving.

Some people might read these ideas and think... "hey, that's fine for her, her husband is a Christian."
But I will tell you that even if your husband is not, no man on earth would NOT be won over heart and soul for being met every day with a wife who puts his needs and concerns first. It's particularly easy, I've noticed, for moms with busy households to put the kids first before the husband. I'm certainly guilty of this one at times. But then i am reminded that LONG after the kids are gone, he and I will be here, and that should be a good reminder for anyone to invest in a marriage more than anything else.

Lastly, I often get asked two things: First, what makes a submitted wifestyle family different from "my" average American family, and second, what about those people who have husbands who are real jerks?

A submitted wifestyle home looks different from yours because it is pleasing to God. It's really that simple--- no matter how you look at it, we receive certain blessings and graces that we can only be open to through our willingness to submit to God's order. Because we are willing to practice submission and die to ourselves, we are able to grow in beautiful, meaningful ways that you, the non-submitter, will not. And that's plain old bible truth, as they say around here.

Second, well what about those husbands who simply don't deserve such a gloriously kind example of a woman? Because believe me, they are out there. To them I say.... shape up. But if they don't, then what? If my husband treats me poorly, what am I to do? I am to continue to love Him, to follow my Lord and Savior's example to turn the other cheek, and to know that two wrongs don't make a right-- just because HE is wrong doesn't mean I have to be too. It takes some guts to live this way, as a wife with a husband who is---shall we say--less than ideal. And yet, if you do, two things will happen: For one, he will change. He has to. And for another, he will be judged. He has to.

Of course, I always meet those women who say to me: well, that sounds fine and nice, but if he beats you, etc , then you have to get out of there. To whom I say... yes. Get safe. Find a safe place. Call the police. Put him in jail. But don't stop praying for him, loving him, and asking God to change his heart. That kind of wife always makes a difference, and she can truly be proud that she has accomplished something great. The wife who leaves and never looks back? She's the one who didn't fulfill her perfect vocation to give of herself and find herself in that gift.

What does it mean to submit to my husband? It means at the very least to give him honor and reverence due his position, regardless of his character and virtue, and to find in selfless love of him the joy of having completed what I was born and called to do.