Ashes

Yesterday was ash wednesday. I woke up with this total sense of anticipation at the lenten season beginning... mostly because come Easter it will be a year since I came back to the Church and there are so many emotions associated with that.

It seems like it has gone so fast!!

Lent is the 40 days pre-easter. During Lent, Catholics undertake a period of fasting, prayer, and penance.
We fast (particularly on Ash Wednesday) and abstain from meat on Fridays (some people during the whole season) and practice penance--- giving up things that we particularly like but which keep us from Christ, and in turn, taking on spiritual disciplines that will help us draw closer to God. Things like getting up earlier to greet Him in the dawn, or giving up TV for 40 days and choosing spiritual reading instead, or going to Daily Mass instead of vegging out on the couch first thing in the morning. We make these lenten sacrifices and ask them for particular purposes--- for the conversion of sinners, for miracles in our own lives or the lives of others, for the things which only prayer can achieve.
We pray ceaselessly. We meditate on the suffering and passion of Christ. On Friday nights, we do the Stations of the Cross, walking around the church meditating on the various moments in the walk of Christ with His cross and how we can share in His suffering as an offering of love.
People give up and take on things according to their place in life and on the journey. Some give up alcohol, or cigarettes. Others give up their entire paychecks.

Last year, during lent, I fasted from all books except the bible and the catechism of the Church, because I wanted to determine if the Church was the actual church established by Christ. It was.

This year I am taking on a few disciplines for my family-- like not raising my voice with my kids, and not complaining. But I'm also doing more--- like reading Divine Intimacy every day alongside my daily bible reading, and praying an extra rosary a day.

I woke up yesterday morning filled with anticipation-- I couldn't wait to go to church but I was also anxious about being marked with the ashes--- it has been YEARS since I did this and I remember being a child and being so uncomfortable with people staring at me and wondering what the heck was on my face.

The readings and responsorial psalm had me in tears from the very beginning of mass-- they reminded me of the depth and seriousness of my sin and how much it grieves my God.
It helps that I'm halfway through "The Shack," which is an excellent novel to remind us of the gravity of our lack of relationship with God, and I found myself weeping as I sang "Misericordia senor, (Have mercy lord,)for I have sinned."

After that, we watched Father bless the ashes that were to be distributed, burned down from the palm fronds we waved last year as we welcomed the Lord into Jerusalem.
We lined up solemnly and prayerfully reflected on what was about to occur. The ashes are more than a symbol! Because we are Catholic, we believe in sacramentality-- that reception of these ashes create in us a spiritual reality. We are given, through them, the grace we need to understand the depth of our sin and the deep, wide mercy of God.

The Catholic use of ashes stems from the Jewish use of ashes- mourners sat and rolled themselves in ashes, sprinkling them on their person and in their food. The same Hebrew word that describes ashes also means "dust."

For the early Christians, Tertullian and Cyprian and other Church Fathers often described the Christian association of "ashes" and sackcloth with doing penance. Liturgically, the two are interconnected and have been since the old testament. This is one of the best things about being a Catholic. As I watched the long line of people returning to their seats marked with the sign of the cross in black smudged darkly against their foreheads, I was so moved to think that Christians have been doing this since the very first days of the Church-- that in doing it, I was united with Christians the world over. I was united with Christians who had come and gone and who were now with Christ in heaven.....with sinners everywhere who recognized the need for God in their lives. It's very moving!

As a protestant, one of my favorite moments was always to watch the altar calls. We'd get told not to peek and keep our eyes tightly shut, but I would always look, because there is nothing more beautiful than seeing people go forward to receive Christ and acknowledge that they need a Savior. This is what I get to see EVERY DAY in the Catholic Church, through Communion, through sacramentals, through actions like recieving the ashes. It's so profound!

When it was my turn ,I quietly stepped forward and was marked with a cross made of ashes. My eyes were tightly closed as I breathed in the scent of dust mixed with holy water and chrism. The words that were recited to me as I was marked with the cross resonated in my ears and I heard nothing but the words he said to me as he solemnly smudged my forehead in two even strokes:

"Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." Tears rolled down my cheeks as I realized the reality of this beautiful statement, and I recognized that this was the first steps of my lenten journey-- to acknowledge that I was desperately, totally, dead in my sin without the Lord.

Walking back up the aisle to my pew was unreal. Greeted by a sea of faces marked with a thick black cross softly singing:
If all our world is ashes, then must our lives be true
An offering of ashes, an offering to you.

I couldn't imagine a more beautiful sight.

May the Lord bless you this lenten season and may we all grow in His love.