At first I was annoyed-- typical "Catholic" drivel about how praying spontaneously is something WE do instead of something GOD does in us. I let my feathers ruffle as I thought about the damage that encouraging people NOT to pray spontaneously together would do.
But then something funny happened-- I started to realize there was some truth to it. It is not so much that it was encouraging people NOT to engage each other to pray spontaneously. Instead, it was encouraging wives to pray formal prayers with their husbands, which would act as gateways to Kingdom living in their homes.
I believe that husbands and wives should pray spontaneously together, and that it should come easily, frequently and naturally. That husbands and wives should take the time to pray spontaneously together every day.
The article challenged me:
This type of intimate, spousal prayer might sound beautiful to women. But to most guys--good, devout guys--not so much. It requires seat-of-the-pants verbal skills that many of them do not have. Not to mention a willingness to, at times, express emotions that are hard for a guy to discuss with his wife in an ordinary conversation, let alone talk to God about with his wife listening in. It's one more example of a woman finding it therapeutic to talk about her problems, and the man finding the same activity to be close to torture.
So wives who want to persuade their husbands to pray with them, but find them recalcitrant, would be well-advised to drop the hand-holding, spill- your- guts- to -God- together idea, and go for something that is more realistic. That is, utilizing the type of prayer that the Catholic tradition excels at. Namely, reciting formal prayers that were written by someone else! Or I should say, reciting formal prayers while investing them with your own will, intentions, feelings, etc.
My husband has been a Christian much longer than I have. And like many, many Christians walking around this earth.... he believes with all his heart but he has never had the experience that Charismatics, both Catholics and Christians, refer to as "baptism in the Holy Spirit."
He has never been "overtaken" by the Holy Spirit. Never spoken in tongues. Never had a word of knowledge for anyone. His experience of the Holy Spirit is much more calm and steady. It's less of a loud, passionate, vibrant love affair and more of a kingdom mentality. He bows and worships. He trembles and fears. He loves, he obeys, and experiences the goodness of The King. He is moved and moves. His love for God is like the love of a couple who knows and trusts each other because they've been married for years and struggled to communicate for years. It's beautiful, but it is intimate. Above all... it is private.
It's not that he hasn't ASKED for Baptism in the Spirit. It's that he isn't one to do/say something that is contrived of his flesh. And because God Himself has not reached down and CHANGED the way my husband prays, he has not changed it. It's not that he doesn't exhibit the fruits of the Spirit-- he absolutely does. Rather, it's that he doesn't look like/act like a Charismatic Christian in his appearance, and for a long time, I wasn't OK with that.
I've been around Charismatics all my Christian life, and usually praying from a book pains me. I use books as a starting off point to get me going, and it's not uncommon for me to spend an hour at a time "lost" in a prayer-dance with God. I sing random songs. I get moved and say what I'm thinking. I feel inspired and speak God's Word back to Him. I sing, I laugh, I cry, I get on my knees, I stand up. I clap my hands and stomp my feet. I listen. I spend a lot of time listening.
My husband, on the other hand, usually stands very still, closes his eyes, and folds his hands in his lap during prayer. When he leads our family in prayer, it's often in familiar prayers... The Our Father. The Hail Mary. The Apostles Creed. The Glory Be. He likes to pray straight out of his Bible, or straight out of a prayer book. He and I met in Jewish services on post at Ft Jackson, and he and I have often prayed straight out of the Jewish prayer book together.
In the beginning of our marriage, I'd be bored to death and wondering why he wasn't more "spiritual." He, on the other hand, was content. And my kids who didn't always know "what to say" when they talked to God, were participating.
When he became a Catholic, one of the first things my husband really latched onto was the rosary. He prayed the rosary all the time, and was constantly reminding us to do the same. I prayed the rosary quite a bit. But I also prayed the Divine Office (the psalms with the Church) and preferred it.
That's what I prayed with the kids when he was gone.
It's not that I didn't like the rosary- I love it. But I have to be in the right frame of mind to pray the rosary, whereas praying the psalms, I find, puts me in the right frame of mind. I love a rosary when I'm super frustrated and rocking a grumpy baby in the dark... but if I am standing free before my God, I pray a little differently.
I think that's just me... I'm a very biblically driven person and the biblical language is something that brings me to life and ignites my being. It has been the focal point of my spiritual life from the beginning, and it is how I work out my salvation.
So prayer in my family had always been kind of ... awkward. We know that it is only through daily prayer that we will truly live, so we do it. But it's a learning experience.
In the beginning, I prayed with the kids, and he prayed with me.
My prayer times with the kids were extravagant--- loud, worshipful, expressive.
My prayer times with him were quiet and formal.
Over time, I noticed that my oldest two children responded REALLY well to the prayers at mass. They absolutely love the rhythmic chanting, the eloquent language that speaks to them, and the distinct roles they have: now we stand. now we sit. now we bow. now we cross ourselves.
Their prayers were hung on these pegs and I noticed their prayers began to really improve and become intimate moments with God when that happened.
So I jumped in to praying formal prayers with my kids. We pray the liturgy of the hours together morning and evening, and there is a time for spontaneous prayer included, but because it has a format, it's comforting to all of us. When I did that, I noticed that each of my children developed their own prayer-habits.
My oldest became really invested in eucharistic adoration.... even spending time on her knees facing the nearest tabernacle each day. She is a little evangelist, and quite adept.
My second child is a bit prophetic. He speaks to inanimate objects and commands them. He famously will pray for up to an hour spontaneously and when the mood hits him-- often in the bathroom. My third is a singer. She truly prays twice when she sings hymns.
And so it goes.
Another thing I noticed is that when we began to pray formal prayers together as a family, my husband and I began to pray spontaneously together... something we hadn't done much up until then. And it wasn't until we ALL prayed formally together that this began to change. Suddenly, I would mention a difficult situation one of our friends was in, and instead of saying: "remember to pray for her," he would say to me: ""let's pray for her right now. Come here..."
My heart burst. THIS was the prayer life I believe a Christian family should have. And for the first time in my life, instead of it being artificial or me forcing it, it was natural and our natural leader, my husband, was leading it. Beautiful.
So it's been about a year that this change has taken place, and I am quite sure that we are well on the way to a meaningful family prayer life.
Last night, two of our dearest male friends were visiting. They came by to say goodbye as one of them was on the last leg of a trip. We caught up, we shared a glass of wine, we talked politics, and they wrestled the kids. But then, instead of saying goodbye, as we were winding down, one of them said: "Let's pray a rosary together before we leave."
Now, these are some of our dearest friends. And we have prayed together many times-- quick bursts of prayer at various times during holidays, during mass together, etc. But never a rosary. Never like this. I was... surprised, to say the least. Grateful, but surprised.
They asked my husband to lead the rosary and sent my kids off to the family altar to gather rosaries for everyone.
I had a momentary panic.
.... but my kids aren't used to the rosary and will probably act up.
.... but my father in law hates the rosary and will probably be uncomfortable hearing us pray it.
.... but my husband says the rosary weird and will probably lead it funny
.... why can't we just PRAY??
We began. We chose the luminous mysteries (it was Thursday). My husband led us... and
it. was. PERFECT.
To sit in a room with three men, three husbands, three fathers, humbly praying the rosary... perfect.
Each man was holding a child and teaching them how to pray by holding their little fingers around the "right" beads, by explaining what each mystery means and what it revealed to us about God's character....perfect.
Each man reverently bringing his intentions, his family, and (because these men are men of influence in the community and therefore in the world) his nation before God and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed. Perfect.
I thank God for formal prayers. I thank God for the rosary---I thank God for the Liturgy of the Hours. I thank God for the Catholic Church who gave us these prayers, through which many parents, spouses, and friends truly become ONE VOICE united in prayer. Through them, progress in prayer is made. Through them charity and humility become the standard.
Through them three men joined powerfully in the Holy Spirit last night to change a devastated nation, starting with each other. Through formal prayers our family and friends have truly become a praying people.
Glory be to God always.
