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| The inside of one of the 20 or so Bibles I have around the house. :D |
I remember as a teenager reading the Sunday gospel readings with the Fransiscan friars at the Mission Santa Barbara during my confirmation prep classes. Propped up against a mossy fountain with only the sounds of birds and running water around us, we'd crack open these thick, red paperback NABs and dig in. I don't remember a single thing we actually studied, but I remember the rhythmic turning of the pages, the reflective silences, and the sweet smell of newsprint.... moments of peace scattered through my busy teenage life.
When I began the first steps of leaving the Church, it was the Bible that spurred me on. I was in a serious relationship with a young Swedish Australian man, and though he wasn't religious himself, I was shocked to discover that his awesome family was--- they were Jehova's Witnesses!
Curious, I began to ask them more and more about what animated their lives. They shared the Bible with me, offering to study it with me and point me in the right direction. I was intrigued on two levels-- first, because I absolutely loved books, and the idea that a book could contain so much practical wisdom and insight that it could keep people entertained for all their lives blew my mind. I was also intrigued because of what I began to read. The central themes of scripture started to resonate in me deeply, and though the idea that I was a sinner didn't completely sink in, I began to feel the first signs of the twinging of my conscience as I read along. Something was shifting.
The Jehova's witnesses didn't know what to do with me. Most people accepted to study the Bible with them because they were looking for answers. I wasn't unhappy, and wasn't feeling like I needed "something more." And I actually didn't think they knew what they were talking about half the time.The little booklets and guides they used as they pored over the scriptures with me were interesting but --I felt-- came to illogical conclusions. My father was a historian. I wasn't buying it. But I thought it was fun. And necessary... stirring something up in me in a deeper, reflective way that I wanted to continue.
I praise God that though I studied with them weekly for more than a year, my "intuition" kept me from swallowing what they were preaching, but at the same time I thank God for their witness and example. Diligently, two by two, they took time out of their lives to meet with me and read the Bible every week. They brought me to the Kingdom Hall and encouraged me in my studies. They provided a beautiful example of what being "set apart" in this world means-- though they were dispersed throughout the world in every normal type of job and activity, they behaved with the kind of upright character and nobility that is seldom found elsewhere. They weren't judgmental, at least, not externally, but they were firm in their beliefs and absolutely unyielding to the spirit of the world that embraced immorality and ugliness. They were a simple, thankful, diligent people, and I enjoyed studying with them very much.
Over the years, they came to understand that I was going no-where with them. Although I had made many positive changes in my life and begun a pursuit of godliness, at least in an external form, it was clear I wasn't going to become a Jehova's Witness. We remained in contact, but they abandoned me to my sinful ways and the closeness we had developed over time became a distance.
My life remained somewhat unchanged, although there was a distinct shift in my thinking. I continued to party, to forge ahead on my own. I kept a Bible on me, though, and a rosary--- artifacts I held onto but hardly understood. Years passed. Inspired by a Christian roommate, I bought a Life Application study bible, and read it from time to time. It sat on my shelf and promised me answers to questions I didn't want to look at.
And on that fateful Christmas Eve when Jesus finally brought me to my knees a repentant sinner for the very first time, I didn't have a Bible in my hands. Just a prayer I lifted high.
But after that night, I ran home, cracked one open, and read with great attention. I could no longer deny that God was real, and that He was intimately involved in my life. I wanted to know Him more. I began to read everything I could get my hands on. I went to daily mass in an old Spanish style Jesuit church downtown near my apartment.
I found myself there with the same crowd each day-- a couple of homeless folks, an old lady, a tired old Jesuit priest and a young man my age who seemed very devout but who lit up a cigarette every time we left the church...something my non-Catholic Christian friends would have balked at. There was quiet there in that huge church, and reflection. Something sacred. But it didn't compare to the sea of faces down at my local Calvary Chapel expectantly looking to me to change.
The women at the Calvary Chapel all had shiny, well groomed hair and wore dresses and sweaters that matched the seasons. They held potlucks and retreats and had casseroles ready to drop off wherever they were needed. They drove mini-vans full of excited, happy teenagers who liked their families and Jesus and they asked me how I was doing and they stopped what they were doing to pray loud with hands on me. Their houses were clean and tidy and full of the world's riches--- big televisions, nice cars, marble kitchens that looked like magazines and boats in the garage, but they had spiritual riches too--- happy families, loving marriages. Open homes that welcomed me and prayed for me. There was an irresistable AMERICAN-ness to them.... though I had grown up wealthy in a European community, there was something different about these people. Everything was shiny and wide-open and unintellectual. There was nothing ancient in their homes or in their hearts, and I was continually confronted by a new-ness I didn't know how to assimilate into. Entertainment and enjoyment was the order of the day, and they were determined. And successful. And spiritual, which I loved.
Like the Jehova's Witnesses, they kept themselves separate from the world in their priorities and thinking. Unlike them, they enjoyed all of the things the world, and seemed to be constantly showered with good luck.
As a general rule, they were greatly concerned with the poor and suffering, but the spirit of materialism sometimes crept in. Instead of not buying things, they only bought things which came from other Christian companies. And they often bought a lot of things. Of course, they used these things to enhance their witness in the world, but there were inconsistencies that really bothered me. For example, they abhorred pornography, but were fine with using and selling "toys" to each other in the context of marriage. They were against abortion but ok with birth control pills. Some of it didn't sit right with me, but I really enjoyed their company, and the time we spent together. They had a lot of joy, and a lot of success, and enthusiasm. Just very American. Like I said, it was a different approach.
As I began to study the bible with them, true growth occurred in me. Each Sunday and weeknights in small groups were delivered a talk on a topic that applied to my personal life, and as they led me piece by piece through the Bible, the pages came to life and spilled out in my actions or the things I saw around me.
They offered many different methods for Bible study, all of which seemed helpful. Sometimes we would go book by book through the Bible. Other times we'd stick with themes and topics we found interesting and relevant. It would take our breath away, the clearness of the thing being studied, and we'd all agree and amen, and then pause in reverential silence before breaking into praise and worship and praying for one another. It was beautiful. I started to crave bible study all day long. At work I'd take breaks and scan the pages of my Bible for new truths. At home I'd spend hours holed up reading with some tea and a blanket, my cat batting at my toes. My friends and I would get together and STUDY THE BIBLE instead of going out partying. What??! But we did! And it was amazing.
At this point in time I began to have some issues with truthfulness. I hit a wall in my spiritual growth. At the time, I had a set of Christian friends, and a set of non-Christian friends, and I wasn't about to let go of either. At the same time, they absolutely could not mix--- my non-Christian friends drank, smoked, did drugs, lived promiscuous sexual lifestyles and stayed up late dancing every weekend. Their only plan was to have as much fun as possible.
My Christian friends, on the other hand, NEVER drank, or smoked. They stayed up late hanging out and talking about Jesus, and often seemed kind of.... unrealistic or at least different in their approach to life. I hesitate to use the term "blissfully ignorant," but for many of them who had grown up Christian, there was a naiveté there that I can't discount. They were unbelievably nice. But I couldn't connect with many of them on a deeper level because I felt that they genuinely couldn't understand my struggles or those of my closest friends. In their happy, joyful Christian bubble, they would never know the depths of pain caused by generations of mortal sin, or the tug of a soul who had tasted evil and been confused about its sweetness. I might be wrong.... but that was the impression I got. When I read the Bible with them, I was always mystified because things they took as "givens" were so new to me. The things I read challenged me to my core they casually passed through and moved on with.
It was hard. I felt that I would never be able to connect my real life with the theoretical life I was building in my mind and heart through Bible study. I felt that I would always have to have this double life, where I thought and felt one thing, but did and said another. And what was worse, was that whenever I had brought these Christian friends with me into my "other" life and bared my inner and outer real life to them, they had surpassed me in sinfulness and stupidity by the end of the night and even boggled my mind with their behavior, rather than showing me an example of an integrated life, where faith and reality interact in peace. I became convinced that many, if not most, Christians were hypocrites, and the ones who weren't were simply ignorant of "what was out there." I became depressed.
Enter a family who showed me that Christianity wasn't a theory or a spectacle, but a journey, and a relationship with a living God. With great patience and much prayer, they showed me how to turn every one of my undertakings over to the God who made me, and to take time each day to evaluate my own culpability and my own direction.... to hear from God, and to act on what I was hearing. Little by little, discipled by them, I learned to walk with Jesus, and to turn to His Word for my spiritual food and drink. Somehow, God began to integrate my head and my heart, and to help me TURN from my past life and actually begin to peel the layers of my selfish thought patterns away. I no longer felt I could integrate somehow SIN and RIGHTEOUSNESS, like the time I wanted to work in the porn industry and still be a Christian. (WHAT??! But it's true!)
I now knew I could integrate REALITY and RIGHTEOUSNESS, instead, and turn from sin. I also learned that righteousness didn't mean shackles but true freedom, and that I COULD change without becoming blind, ignorant, naive, or a liar and hypocrite. I learned that God is in the business of transforming and renewing, not repressing and hiding. Behold, he makes all things new!
This changed my life.... and this time, for good.
Weekly as we studied, talked, prayed, and I watched them live, I realized that each of us was born with the ability to come to KNOW God, and to hear Him, when we began to live a disciplined life that put Him first and loved on people, when we expected more from ourselves than we did others, we would come to growth and joy that was unstoppable. I learned that chaos and confusion, in which I had lived the majority of my life, was not the inevitable end. I learned that peace was the plan, and that there was a Shepherd who knew how to get me there.
As the years passed and I continued, as I had finally learned, to study my Bible not for whatever tickled my ears but for what the Holy Spirit was speaking directly to me that day, and to take that Word and apply it to my own life, my life full of sin and stress and sadness and selfishness..... I began to see real growth. Suddenly the things I had been no longer seemed as important as the things I was to become, and the places I had been no longer seemed like home as I pursued my true Home, the heart of God. But then, again, I hit a wall.
I returned to the Catholic Church from whence I had come because of the Bible. My husband and I refused to accept all the teachings of a church that didn't line up with what we read in the Bible, and we meant it. We studied the Bible, the arts, science, history, and the lives of the Saints and we saw clearly that the ancient paths had not swerved or changed. We accepted the heritage which was ours. We came under real apostolic authority. And we learned to tap into the grace available to us in the sacraments-- or mysteries--- infinitely more than just "ordinances."
When we came back to the Church, we experienced one of our greatest challenges. We learned that much like the Israelites of old, the Church was full to the brim of people who had every reason to get it, and who yet, inexplicably, did every stupid thing under the sun. Including worshiping idols of their own making, ignoring the clear voice of their Shepherd, and rejecting the Spirit of God in favor of the Spirit of the world. Those Catholics we DID meet who seemed to grasp the enormity of the blessing they had received by virtue of their belonging to the community of believers, tended to rest on the side of trusting the Church and her tradition (a good thing) but with very little emphasis on personal spirituality. Or worse, they failed to understand the true universality of the Church, preferring their own tradition to others' and looking with disdain across the East/West gulf. They worked and prayed, but always as if it was a job and not a transformation.
For example, they said vocal prayers, but often said things like: "I said an Our Father for him" instead of "hey, let's pray right now." Their kids were a bit wild, and often the mothers ran the home instead of the fathers. In the homes where the fathers did lead the home, they seemed so somber and strict and kept to themselves. We couldn't even get in to observe how it worked. We were very discouraged. And lonely.
On the one hand, we wanted orthodoxy of belief, orthodoxy in liturgy, orthodoxy in structure and action. On the other hand, we wanted people who LOVED THE LORD, who KNEW Him, and who had experienced the baptism in the Holy Spirit and the regeneration that comes with it. On the one hand, we knew without a doubt that God had Himself called us to the Church. On the other hand, we constantly felt ourselves growing depressed over the state of the Church. Years later, we are still mystified every time we read about some ridiculous Catholic scandal that quite frankly shouldn't even BE an issue, as contrary as it is to the faith. The Church is a hospital for sinners.
The place of Bible study in all this has been frustrating. The Bible is a cornerstone of Catholic life. It is critical that we study and live what we learn in the scriptures. The Bible came into the world THROUGH the Church and the Church encourages people everywhere to not just read and study it but to pray it every day and let it transform our lives. Jesus Himself has set this standard for us in the Gospels. In theory, we are all about the Bible.
In practice, though, it's very different. I have attended Catholic Bible studies before in my local roman parish and found them lacking... usually touchy feely ("how does this passage make your feel?") in nature, I've been disappointed in the the depth of teaching somehow neglected on the assumption that all Catholics don't really know or understand the Bible. This assumption is ridiculous, as the Catholic faith IS the Bible. On the other hand, it is reasonable--- most cradle Catholics I meet have not made an effort to make scripture a part of their ordinary, daily lives. They have a family bible they take down for special events, but rarely have their own, worn copy of the scriptures. Frequently in Catholic bible studies I hear people say things like... "I'm not sure but doesn't it say somewhere in the Bible that. (insert thing the Bible does NOT say anywhere)" and "I always read that (insert scripture taken totally out of context here)." Whats' worse, the leader has often agreed!!
It is frustrating.
I have led Catholic Bible studies in my own home and in other people's homes. It has been incredibly challenging to find Catholic materials to teach with aside from the Bible that point towards practical life. While study guides that speak of deep theological issues abound, finding a simple women's bible study to use and share, for example, on married life or family life, is really REALLY hard.
Usually we have ended up using an inconspicuous protestant study guide like one of Beth Moore's studies, and we have added in Catholic elements as needed. There are some excellent Catholic Bible study programs out there, but they are often expensive and/or geared towards entire parish use, not small groups like I've grown accustomed to.
On the positive side of this is the fact that this points to the Church's universality and discipline: the Church says that (a) there is no one "right way" to do practical life so long as we are within certain guidelines (order in the home, etc.) and thus we have no need of specially written Bible study materials to pass out universally. The Church provides the guidelines in encyclicals (teachings on doctrine), so when we read them regularly and daily read passages from the Bible, we have *all we need.* And the Lord himself places people in our lives to serve as examples and to give us ideas. And this is true! So we are expected to do this on our own, and especially.... in our families. Again, this is right and good.
And (b) we are expected to grow, to immerse ourselves in the Word, and to make it a part of our lives, but we are NOT expected to idolize our personal Bible reading times, which can be so enjoyable that sometimes we want to do nothing else. :) I like this too--- when I was a protestant I spent more time each day sitting with a bible and a notebook than I have ever been able to as a Catholic. And don't get me started on the "quiet time" pressure cooker for married women.
So I sat with my bible much more as a protestant.... but the reason for this is that as a Catholic I am daily being sustained by my portion of the Word and spending myself in good works--- something I don't "like" as much in the sense of enjoyment, but that I think is good and right.
Reflecting on this, I can remember over and over again as a protestant witnessing people who needed to take action (find a job, go to work, love their kids better, forgive a spouse or parent, etc.) and who instead spent HOURS daily in "prayer and study," "waiting to hear from the Lord," and driving the people around them bonkers in the process.
I've done it too. It's called looking for a way out of what we must do.
Now, don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for a retreat, but usually the midst of a crisis aint that time. And in a culture where the Bible is the ONLY place to turn, and a book we read, it's all too easy to get sucked into this way of thinking. In the Catholic Church, the Bible is the Word of God. And revered as such. But there is more--- Scripture, Tradition, and Magisterium (or apostolic authority) together form a balanced approach to life that helps us to stay the course without getting selfish or side-tracked. There are sacraments, mysteries too. We are married, and the grace that flows from that is something that speaks to us of what we must do. Don't need a Bible for that--- it's a given. We are baptized. We are to confess. We are to meet the King in the Eucharist. Again, these are givens, and they help us to pick ourselves up and move forward when we might be tempted to hide ourselves in the comforting words of scripture. Because faith without works is dead-- because talking without action is just that..... talking. And works have a price.
So eventually, though that HUNGER for God's Word never abated in me, I learned to be satisfied with my portion, and to put it to good use, which caused infinitely more growth in me than I had had when I spent hours each day with my nose in my Bible, but totally ignored all the hard stuff around me I needed to do.
When I discovered the Carmelites, I was in so much need of a way to balance those two things out. I wanted the use of intellect that Catholicism had brought to our lives, but I also wanted the profound trust in God and relationship with Him that my Charismatic friends had. And I wanted to be surrounded by people who got that. The Carmelite tradition is deeply spiritual, but it is also profoundly biblical, and it was at the foot of Mt Carmel that I found this peaceful balance between letting God speak to me in quiet and remaining in the presence of God in the noise of the world. Of course, God never lets me stay put when I get comfortable, and He took me from the Carmelites as soon as I felt at home.
Interestingly enough, he placed me securely in the arms of another, very similar spirituality, also called the "Faith of the Mountain" by it's people. I followed my husband to our Catholic church home, a tiny Maronite parish where we are one of the only young families. And yet--- I love it here.
Like Carmelites, the emphasis in Maronite spirituality is intensely biblical and often relies on a clear vision of the Old Testament and Hebrew tradition interpreted through the New. Like Carmelites, Maronites emphasize silence but recognize the Presence in the midst of the world. Monastics in the midst of the world, they know a balance between "retreat" and "pour out," and their interaction with sacred scripture is life-giving and unselfish, both transformative and functional. Did I mention that I love it here?
I still read my Bible every day. I read it alone, and I read it with my kids, and I read it with my husband. I rarely read it with my friends, but we talk about it!
I take great joy in listening to the sounds of my children practicing verses they have memorized, or sharing a Bible story with their father in the back room as I do the dishes. I enjoy praying scripture over my children as they sleep and at the Shabbat table, and over my friends as they sit on my couch pouring out frustrations and joys. It still animates every part of my day. And I do miss the days when I had nothing better to do than to read, read, read the Bible. But I'm glad that now my life is about doing and not just hearing. That's in the Bible, too. ;)
Below is our family's bible reading and prayer routine. If you don't have one yourself, I encourage you to get one started.
1. Personal Bible reading.
We get up in the morning and each read the Bible on our own. My kids are young, so they might just thumb through a picture Bible, but I have a set schedule: I read a daily devotional from the lives of the saints, and then I read the day's readings and journal them using the SOAP (scripture, observation, application, prayer) method. I find that it is the perfect balance between Lectio Divina and Inductive Bible Study.
2. Family liturgy of the hours.
We stop all activity in the house during the traditional hours and pray the psalms.
3. Family Catechism in the morning and Family Bible reading at night.
These both involve USING the Bible, but also involve lots of discussion and sharing and praying. We also memorize scripture together during these times.
4. Topical Bible study during the week as needed.
Sometimes someone in our family has an issue or needs to make a decision, and we study what the Word of God has to say about it to help us make a right decision.
5. Praying scripture.
We often pray for ourselves, each other, and our guests or friends and family using words we pull directly from scripture. We have these on a calendar we use to help us pray.
6. Encouraging notes.
When we write each other reminders, little notes, or cards we use Bible passages to emphasize what we want to say.
7. Meditation.
Whether we are praying the rosary alone or together, or practicing lectio divina or some other type of scriptural meditation (like doing dishes! Haha) we use scripture to animate our thoughts.
8. Torah and Gospel study.
On Saturdays we study the Old Testament and Sundays the Gospel reading for the week both individually and as a family, often listening to talks by others or reading sermons to each other. Charlotte Mason gathered everyone together on Sundays to discuss the Gospel readings. We think it's a wonderful practice, and even more so when it's done with family members, friends and guests, or neighbors and community members!
9. Games.
We sometimes play Bible games or scavenger hunts to sharpen our bible knowledge skills.
10. Blessings, proclamations, war and Word baths.
When my husband and children go out from our home, and when they come in, I have made it my practice to wash the world off them using the Word of God. I pray -- over my husband's work uniform and vehicle, and as he goes out and when he comes in, and do the same for my children. We also make it a practice to bless each other with scripture before bed and on special occasions like birthdays and our feast day meals. Often times, when we feel led to really incorporate a scripture, we will make a proclamation of God's truth by just speaking it out loud into the house or room. We also use scripture in spiritual warfare-- when someone speaks something we know isn't a godly way of thinking, we speak the opposite scripture over our selves and family members. We don't do this out of superstition but to remind US of who is King, and to immediately submit whatever part of us might be slipping back into agreement with God's Word.
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