Brain Dump and Bye Bye Blog???

Sooooo much to discuss, so little time.

I saw a commercial today for a video game for a BABY. A real baby.... like, you sit the baby on this electronic horsey thing and it reacts to whats' on the TV. Really. I almost lost my mind, feel like blogging about it, but I'm afraid I'll say some unsavory things so I'll just leave it at this: Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on us.

I also got three separate phone calls from people that absolutely cracked me up this week. They all started with "So, I'm staring at one on my wall," or "so I've got three of them trapped here."

I didn't have to ask.... I knew we were talking about the dreaded cockroaches. It's that season, you see, and they are everywhere around here. And just as I was feeling smug-as-heck last night that my house has thusfar been cockroach free this season, I discovered an evil wolf spider we'll call "Harry," who was trying to move into my house. It took me nearly a half hour to smash him to smithereens, I was so terrified that I was having chills all up and down my body and the hair on the back of my neck was standing straight up. The ridiculousness of the situation (me standing atop my dining room table, armed with a mop (??????) which was the closest thing I could grab to kill it with and loudly praying and pleading the blood of Jesus over my family as I strongly prayed against the evil infiltrating my house. The neighbors must have been having a blast watching me from across the street!) was particularly hilarious when I considered that I was a lot like Steve on GhostHunters, who Wayne and I incessantly make fun of.... ghosts and goblins? Not so scary. Spiders? O.M.G.

Blah. Today was the feast day of St Jerome, who just happened to be one of the coolest saints ever. He was a hardcore bible thumper, and I love that, because so few Catholics today recognize the treasure that we have in the Word of God. I had the priviledge of proclaiming the Word today at mass (I usually hate it, but I was honored to do so today on the feast day of such a Word loving Saint!) and it was so cool to be reminded that it really all starts here.
Brother Yun, from the Heavenly Man, has a great quote I always try to remember: "You can never really KNOW the scriptures until you are willing to be changed by them." Yep. If I want to see an authentic Charismatic renewal alive and thriving in the Catholic Church, I need to see a deeper devotion to the Word of God in Scripture. And so that causes me to continue to go deeper into Scripture, because we can't hope for change and not be the change ourselves.

I was deeply challenged today at our women's book study by the topic: modesty and moderation. What was discussed was not so much modesty in clothing, which we had covered previously, but rather modesty in behavior, etc. Guarding our hearts, and keeping "intimate" those things which are intimate.

The book itself was written back in the seventies, long before Al Gore invented the internets (heehee) but it popped out to every woman there that these days, social networking trumps modesty and the virtue of discretion. People have accounts on myspaz and facebook and share the intimate details of their lives, pictures, thoughts, etc. Their families. They blog and talk about the ins and outs of their lives. The idea that was being discussed resonated with me in particular because I wear my life on my sleeve, so to speak-- I've always been an open book. In fact, I frequently get offended or hurt by family members and friends who make intimate all the details of their lives, and secret, because I find that I can't really KNOW them. I've discussed this blog with my dad before and he thinks it's a nightmare because he has always said that I lack discretion. Possibly, that's a valid point-- I do have a tendency to just talk to you guys about everything on my mind.



It's like this: on the one hand.... I've got people sending me emails who are choosing not to divorce or not to commit suicide, or get an abortion, etc, because of things they read in my blog that resonate. On the other side, I've got people who read my blog and endanger me and my family (ahem, calling Child Protective Services, etc) I have to take both into consideration.

And then there is the whole thing about how I'm not actually doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Often I'm blogging (like right now) when I should be taking a shower, or eating dinner, or taking a nap. Or reading scripture. Or praying. OR FINISHING MY BOOK!! :P

Doing the things that matter MORE in my life.

I get a sense that my blog is important because a) it's cathartic and I enjoy writing it, it helps me process my thoughts and b) people really tell me that something in them is changed when I share these personal stories.

The cathartic part is easily resolved by journaling, which I do anyways. There's nothing like pen to paper in my experience. But the other part is that in my zeal to see the whole world saved I don't always stop to think if I'm called to a particular thing--- I'm just like..... "you exist? Well then let me share Jesus with you in my life." You know?



I find that the longer I write this blog (and I've been seriously blogging for well over eight years now!) the longer I am perpelexed about whether I should continue. Many people read my blog and edit it for me, in the sense that I get calls telling me I should avoiding being so open or so personal about X, Y, or Z. But I sort of cringe at being told that-- because it's a part of ME to be open like that and to share. Heck, if I didn't read other people's blogs or know other people IRL who were this open, I wouldn't be who I am today--- it's AWESOME and encouraging to me to know what other people go through and I'm grateful to be given the opportunity to do so.

But the more time goes on, the more I'm convinced I should be putting all this energy to writing a book or something more productive.... where my thoughts would be more ordered, where I could reach more people but potentially harm such a smaller number... I quit journalism because of the same reasons and you longtime blog readers out there for SURE know how hard and agonizing that was for me.

If I'm totally honest with myself, I have to say that blogging has often reminded me that I'm "important," because of the gratifying emails I get where people say that God touched their lives through me. Staying at home and being a wife and mom doesn't do that for me because I don't get the recognition, you know? So I think the biggest obstacle to me stopping this blog (and by stopping, I mean stopping a daily blogging type thing... I probably will always blog about something at least once every couple weeks) is that I'm afraid that I will disappear altogether into this persona that God has laid out before me of wife and mommy that isn't wholly ME. Isn't that pathetic?? It just goes to show how much of a sinner I am, that I can't even live the very basic scripture which exhorts us to humble ourselves in the sight of the Lord and HE will lift us up. I wont vanish from earth if I stop writing this blog. But I wont have as many people encouraging ME as I want and somehow think I need to DO those things which are hard--- to pour myself into my kids and my husband. It hurts.

I don't write this blog to lift "me" up. I write it to share Jesus in a personal way. But how many of you who read it are meeting Jesus in a personal way and how many of you are meeting ME and what should I do about it? It's really all very heartbreaking--- darned if I do, darned if I don't.... and meanwhile, the clock is ticking. Arg.