Live like you are dying

Been reading so many interesting blogs lately and all these great questions are floating around in my head. I wish I had time to talk about them all in here, but unfortunately, my new homeschooling schedule has left me with very little time to blog.

Today is the feast day of Our Lady of Sorrows, and I don't think it's an accident that the day was bittersweet for me.

Wayne left early this morning for another loooong stretch away from home, and I was sad to see him go. I was excited, however, to get the chance to go to daily mass this morning since watching Pope Benedict's apostolic visit to France for the 150th anniversary of the apparitions at Lourdes.

Curled up on the couch watching my old country change before my eyes as the Holy Father touched the lives of so many bored and borderline Catholics, I was moved to tears to think of how much we (France) needed this visit. I've really been coming to terms lately with what following the Pope means.... seeing and experiencing firsthand what that unity that crosses national borders looks like. The glory of Christ is revealed in the stature of the humble and quiet, but serious and holy man He has chosen to shepherd His flock. So watching him move through the excited crowds and seeing the faces (and scarves! Haha!) of the hopeful people of my beloved France, particularly at Lourdes, where God used Mary to draw so many to Him... ack. It was just so moving.

Between that, and the recent story I heard of a Catholic paranormal investigator who brought a not-so-pleasant entity home in her body, man. I am rediscovering my so basic need to pray. Why is it that prayer is the first thing we learn and then we have to continue forever to be reminded to do it? Prayer is more a part of my life than many people I know, and yet I'm never, never satisfied.... I long to pray more. At the same time, this weeks events and thoughts have really reminded me of the importance of humility and of being rooted in the Word of God, which stands for ever. I had begun to take for granted that I know scripture, because I am more familiar with it than a lot of the Catholics I'm around. (but not all!!! Just in case there's someone out there shaking their head about how Catholics don't know the Bible. :P)

At the same time, now more than ever do I need to pray and steep myself in the Word of God, because just when we are beginning to "get somewhere," so to speak, the Devil tries to come and snatch away those seeds which were planted so long ago. I have to grow roots so deep that they can never be snatched out. I have to guard my heart and my mind and turn to the Crucified for everything. Father rightly pointed out at mass today that the only one of the Seven sorrows of Mary that isn't a mystery of the Rosary is the flight into Egypt. It's that flight that I meditated on today--- because out of fear that God is calling me to something I can't handle, I flee. But He follows me and protects me nonetheless, reminding me always that if I will but reach out my hand, He is there.

Since we arrived at early at mass, I was afforded the opportunity to pray a rosary AND do my mental prayer..... and I was in the middle of a very peaceful, deep, and prayerful moment when I suddenly realized that I felt as wonderful as I do on my one-Sunday-a-month Carmelite meeting, which, I'm sorry to say, is rare. I looked up to the Cross, thankful for the peace and quiet that I had so desperately wanted to find in our beautiful church... and then quickly scanned the pews. To my delight, I found that directly across from me was another Carmelite from my group.... one who doesn't normally attend this mass. Of course! It was no surprise after that why I had felt that I was "in the garden of Carmel," during that special prayer.

The day went by slowly, but was filled with face after face and story after story. And now, I'm sitting here waiting for the kids to be asleep so I can get in the shower, wondering how my husband is so far away... wondering if God will once again wrap His wonderful, loving arms around me and hold me tight tonight as I draw near to Him.

One of my friends who was over today said something that I really relate to. She expressed a desire, sometimes, just to die, because we are Christians. Not because she doesn't like life, or she doesn't want to live--- but just to be in heaven, with God. No more distance, no more separation, no more tears.... just a heavenly glory which we cannot imagine for all it's goodness, and the strong arms of our Savior and friend, the tenderness of our blessed mother, the beauty of the place that is our only home. I get that. I don't want to die, but if I were to die tonight, I know what beautiful things the Lord has prepared for me and so I live like I am dying.... drawing ever nearer to the heart of God, because His example tells us that it is in dying that we really live.