Discernment

Well, discernment has certainly been the theme of the last 2 years of my life, huh, faithful blog readers? And as time goes by, I'm realizing that it's the major theme in a lot of people's life.... once we know who God is, we inevitably want to know who we are, and it takes a while to hear Him in this area.

It seems everything after my marriage and the birth of Annika has been about what in the world God is doing with me (and now us, the family.)

Wayne and I pursued Him across the US, into Europe, back across the US and back AGAIN right back to the place we had started, only to discover that He was calling us to something we didn't have a clue He had been doing with us.

Once we heard His voice and realized that all that training and time had been for a purpose, we find ourselves here.... completely at peace but completely bewildered, still. Learning every day, and growing every day as prayer with a backbone of faith mold our lives into a living cross that we can lovingly offer back to the One who made us.

I spent most of the day with a dear friend today who is just now discovering her spiritual gifts and calling. In this person's case, and I don't think she'll mind my sharing since I am not divulging her identity, she's feeling called to what she described to me as "taking people to task.... challenging them." She described her feelings to me and I immediately recognized Wayne's identical spiritual "aha" moments (I really hate using Oprah terms, guys, I'm sorry.) Times where you suddenly realize: "OH! God is really calling me to do this!" And then you step out in faith and discover it was really, truly, a Spirit-led moment. For her, and for Wayne, this was about the spiritual gift of exhortation. She had just never had a name for it.

For me, that divine lightbulb went off in it's final form at Manna, although I recieved a lot of prophetic information about my gifts earlier in my "Christian" life. But it was at Manna when I realized what God was REALLY calling me to, particularly in the area of the Charismatic gifts, which I was really unsure and perplexed about (you want to talk about paranormal??? Look into some of these gifts of the Holy Spirit and you'll see what I mean,) and I was grateful to be around people who knew how to find them, use them, and define them!

My top three gifts have always been discernment of spirits, teaching, and exorcism. I ranked pretty high with gifts like Word of knowledge and Word of Wisdom, but those top three really resonated, and in my time since discovering that there WAS such a thing as a spiritual gift, God has made clear to me what he really wants me to hone in on. At Manna, developping these gifts was easy and was something I had to almost guard myself against using as a source of pride.... particularly after the Spiritual dryness we experienced in California. This "Desert time" was soo necessary, now looking back, because it gave me a much needed reflective pause, a SELAH, if you will, that helped me and Wayne both to come to a more humble appreciation of these gifts, their purpose, etc.



In my particular case, for example, it was easy for me to get really deep into the darker aspects of my personal "Christian Job," my vocation to discernment and deliverance, and I got in WAY over my head really, really fast. (thanks, pride!)

I eventually needed help to wade back out into shallower waters in order to get a break and re-evaluate and realize that I had much to learn. That's where my spiritual dryness came in, in California, where God used other people to heal me and gave me a much needed Holy Pause to recognize that without focusing on the whole point, Christ, religious demonology was no better than delving into the Occult. It was only by knowing the Source and Designer of my gifts that I became able to see the POINT of all of it, and that I was freed from spiritual arrogance in that department and granted the grace to pursue my callings with much needed humility and a fresh dose of understanding. It was a whole different story after that.

But... and this is where it gets wierd for me, though I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God has called Wayne and I to the Catholic Church, within the Catholic Church it is relatively difficult and not so commonplace for us to exercise those specific gifts. Or rather, it's a much-needed ministry, for those who truly understand that these things are from God (my priest, thankfully, is one!) but not one where much training or mentoring or discipleship is available. Which is a tragedy. But as my priest said, the charismatic branch of the Church is there to blow the fresh wind of the Holy Spirit into the Church, and the legislative/authoritative side is there to play "checks and balances," and keep things in right order. Which is great... and I'm thankful for the order and somber realization that these things are here for a reason, not so much for the person who knows the gift but for the purpose of service to the Body of Christ. Nevertheless, the most interesting thing I pulled, today, from my conversation, was that a) the gifts work together to edify believers and build up a strong and holy church, and b) the gifts are supernatural, and as such, we can't completely understand them, even though we want to. We can, however, piece things together, as scripture says, seeing as if in a mirror, knowing that eventually, we will see the whole, real picture in all it's perfect clarity.



All of this to say that now that I know, know, know-in-my-knower what God is really doing in me, I have to know more about WHO HE IS and I have to become more and more aware of who I am in order to truly serve him rather than trying to "take" the gifts for my own use. Does that make sense?

In the spiritual economy of giver and reciever, I have to learn not only how to recieve what He is giving, but how to offer it back to Him...and that I know about PHYSICAL things (kids, possessions, etc), but not so much about SPIRITUAL things. He gives out of love, and I recieve out of love and give back out of love, and in that way, our loving union heals rifts in areas of the Body that need to experience that love. It's perfect. He is perfect. His name be praised for ever.

Pray for our priests and Bishop on retreat this week, that they may return Holy and ready to throw themselves entirely into their own vocations out of love for Him and for their bride.