More on headcovering and the mission

Today marks the beginning of the second week that I've gone back to headcovering fulltime.

This has been a fascinating branch of my faith-journey, one that has been completely filled with God's gentle direction. Because I have lots of internet-sisters in Christian headcovering, but none in real life, I thought I would share a little bit about it.

For those of you who don't know, I used to cover my head regularly while in college. This was after I had gotten serious with God and wanted to do something to help to both tame my vanity, which was just completely out of control, while simultaneously boosting my "self-esteem" (at least, my sense of being loved and cared for by God) and in a sense by making reparation (though I didn't know what that meant at the time)for my overtly sinful sexual history.
At the time, I felt compelled to wear clothes that were basically in accordance with the Jewish laws of modesty: 3/4 length skirts, 3/4 length tops, and a veil of some sort (I usually wore a square headscarf folded in two and secured behind my neck)



This was a "halfway point" between the world of lowrise jeans and the world of abaya-wearing muslimahs, and my friends (none of whom felt compelled to cover their heads, despite what the Bible says) didn't seem to think I was that weird.
And fortunately, it was UN-covered enough that if/when I went out on the weekends and "forgot my religion" so to speak... (and let's face it, there were MANY moments like these before I started taking my faith seriously!) no one noticed a big "difference" in the way that I dressed. In fact, lots of people never even noticed that I covered regularly at all.. It was covering on the sly.

I stopped headcovering about five years later, when I joined the US ARMY, and thereafter because I got married and my husband didn't particularly like the idea.

When my husband and I first came back to the issue this year--- he being a much more enthusiastic supporter of headcovering now than he was then-- it became obvious to me that I had never TRULY considered my own modesty. It was fun to observe Tznius, and it certainly "FELT" holy, but it was also not a permanent mark on me.. something that people around me could define me by. (Not because of any modesty deficiency in clothes that reflect Jewish spirituality, but because it isn't really THAT different from what your average, modest, non-headcovering woman would wear.)

This time around, we recognized that this was something which we would be forced to consider more deeply than just "leaving the house with a covering on." When I wear the scarf, I am perpetually made aware of certain things because it is a constant reminder. (it gets hot, it gets snagged on stuff, everyone stares, etc.)This makes it something to consider before you take it on, not something to begin rashly. After all, the world is watching. It takes prudence.

When people know / assume you cover for religious reasons, you think twice about your public actions. When you wear the scarf in private as well-- it's the same story for your private actions. This is a great incentive to wear the veil-- it guarantees to help you with resistance against habitual sin.

Now, when you wear a specific STYLE of scarf, it speaks to a specific culture. There is a whole "look" that goes with that that you cannot simply ignore--- for example, wearing an abaya (long, full coverage overdress) and a kerchief or bonnet would look strange to people, as they associate the abaya with Hijab, the islamic dress code. Likewise, one cannot wear a sleeveless shirt and a scarf that covers the head AND neck. It looks silly as a fashion statement... and makes no theological sense. There are other considerations to be made as well. Recently I was out in a "very covered" outfit (nothing showing but my face, a strip of my hair, and my hands and feet. I realized that people around me probably assumed that I was a muslim. Some of them may even BE muslims. Which made me scarfing down my usual two strips of bacon with my breakfast kinda iffy--- I didn't want to scandalize anyone or worse, get chewed out by someone for eating food that was obviously not "OK." At the same time, I'm NOT a practicing Jew, and I'm NOT a Muslim. So why should it bother me to eat bacon in public? In the end, I opt to avoid the bacon, which gives me an opportunity to make a small sacrifice, and also to make a gesture of goodwill towards people who are trying to serve God the best way they know how (like, by not eating bacon.)
Sounds complex, huh? It gets worse.

There's the whole Muslim issue. It goes without saying that when you cover in the most modest and sensible (and fuss-free) manner, you look like a Muslim to 99 percent of the world. But that's because people don't know their history. Veiling in that manner is FAR older than Islam and is actually, before anything else, a cultural phenomenon that has represented different things at different times.

That being said...Judaism, Christianity and Islam all prescribe headcovering and modesty, and for most of the history of the world women have been covered, at least in prayer. One can hardly imagine a painting or statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary, for example, without her veil... it's a part of who she is.

It isn't "FAIR" that you get thought of as a Muslim when you cover your head, but it is what it is. When I first returned to the Catholic Church I was overjoyed that I could cover my head without being the weird one. Surprise! I was the only one in my parish who did. I guess the times they have a-changed. :P

I continued to choose a stole (my favorite) over a "chapel veil" for some time, until I gave up and started using a chapel veil (they have definitely grown on me!) Suddenly lots of women in my parish seemed interested and began to cover-- I guess all it took was not looking so.... Muslim. :P
Which is why I LOVE it (and kick myself for wearing a chapel veil instead of a face framing stole) when I see an arab or indian Catholic woman at mass-- they almost always end up wearing the most stunning and simple "muslim-looking" outfits and giving me hope that someday I can just be accepted in these types of clothes without having to explain myself.

All this to say that there are plenty of factors that get put into the decision to begin veiling again, and they are not things we should take lightly. My veil makes me a witness to the world, and demonstrates my interior desire to be set apart. But hidden behind the veil lies a heart which must choose to do good or the veil becomes meaningless.

In Christianity, we are commanded to be modest. But we are not given guidelines as far as what that means. Catholics have, in the past, been encouraged to ask themselves "How would Mary dress?" and to inquire whether they are putting forth an image which is chaste and subdued. In one apparition, the Blessed Mother herself even warned us that "certain fashions would arise which would greatly offend our Lord." I am certain this is the case when I look around today at what new lows "liberated" women have sunk to in their selection of attire. Frankly, the further away I get from a culture which is saturated with dirty, wrongful sex, the more disgusted I become with today's "fashion," which offends the dignity of women and draws lust at every occasion.
The veil, however, is not about modesty in Christianity. We are commanded to veil in SUBMISSION... out of obedience towards God and "as a sign for the angels," according to St Paul.
Who would want to miss this blessing--that angels take to flight at our prayers because of our submission to God?
In Catholicism, we veil those things which are precious and sacramental... which are reserved for God and those men who are his. This is one last and final reason why veiling, in my eyes, is a gift to women.

In short-- when we make a decision to veil, we must give up quite a bit. Our "freedom" to choose whatever we want to wear according to moods and seasons is restricted, albeit willingly. We will no longer be lusted-after (God willing!) and harassed by men in the streets. We will no longer be "looked up to" by worldly-minded women. People will stare. They will wonder what's wrong with us. They will even be rude!
On the other hand, we acquire God's blessing in a special way. We are given grace which assists us in being freed from many of our habitual sins. We are made holy, and precious in His sight. Most importantly, we are protected... to veil is to protect ourselves from our own sin and the sins of others, and to protect others in society from our own sin and their own sin. What better thing to do if we truly WANT to be Holy and accept Christ's destiny for us?

So, obviously, the minute my husband began to show interest I was ALL OVER the question and anxious to get started again. Longtime blog readers now that I have always worn a veil over my heart. ;)
How would I do it? The first week or so of praying about it I found that my vanity actually INCREASED. I worried about what was too "over the top," and ways to make it easier to NOT veil for certain occasions etc.

You see, for Muslim women and Jewish women who decide to veil, it is relatively easy-- there are laws set in place and one must only submit to them. Christianity, however, is not so simple. We must seek the Holy Spirit, and test the spirit when we get an answer. We must submit to certain authorities (the Church, our husbands.)
We must consider compassion and generosity towards others. (will I cause a scandal by doing this?)
With all this in mind, here are the "rules" for headcovering that my husband and I came up with for myself.



First, I will not get so bent out of shape over the TYPE of covering that it will cause me to pay more attention to the covering than to what is truly important. What that means is that while I will cover a certain way most of the time (Full, face framing wrap) I will not flip out if, while in a hurry to leave the house or when going into a particular situation which makes this type of covering impractical or imprudent, I am not able to cover in the manner I have chosen. Ie... if the situation arises that I have to wear a bandanna or -gasp- nothing, I am not to flip out. This guards me from my vanity and keeps me from legalism.

Secondly, I will strive to wear it in conjunction with truly modest clothing or not at all. For us... modest meant long skirts/(feminine) pants and at least 3/4 sleeves which are not form fitting and which are not cut far below the collarbone.
This rigidity helps me not to spend hours fretting about what to wear...it simplifies my daily decisions and helps me to always stay on the "safe side."

ThirdI will wear the veil at all times when in public, and strive to wear it when I am at home but around men whom I would not consider "family." I will also wear it at all times during liturgical prayer. (Mass, Divine Office, etc)

FourthIn keeping with the Carmelite Rule to which I am bound, I will NOT spend endless amounts of time/money on superficial methods of bypassing the fact that I am wearing modest clothes by making them particularly "adapted" to modern culture. *this means that I wont shop til I drop for cute scarves and whatnot, but rather just take and accept that which is given to me and purchase as needed without going into excess. I don't need a CLOSET full of modest clothes. Modesty means temperance in my appearance, which means I don't need to spend "extra" time or money other than what it takes to make myself look presentable and clean, ie.respectable.

Fifth I will strive to remember that "pretty" starts within and that external "prettiness" is a result of internal peace with God. One is a virtue. The other is not.

And so, with that in mind ,I embarked last week on this new headcovering journey.
So far it has been totally interesting. I live in "The All American City," on a military base, and that makes this whole "looking like a Muslim" experience all the more interesting since many of these people are the wives of soldiers, and the soldiers themselves, who are out "hunting terrorists" in Iraq and Afghanistan. This makes me a little nervous, as people have not been shy about expressing their distaste for me in a few places I've been. It's an eye opener, and when the opportunity has arisen for me to confront people with their own bigotry by actually sparking up a conversation, for example, with an offender-- or worse yet, by confusing the heck out of them by making the sign of the cross before eating or pulling out my bible... well, it truly becomes, I think, a testament to the strength of Faith in Christ when they become aware that not only am I willing to be ridiculed like this but even MORE so than a Muslim, for whom it might be "forgiveable" since a muslim "doesn't know any better... they have to."

No, I am CHOOSING to cover, and choosing the hardest road of covering completely. This is a great mystery to most people, and a great sign to them of the power of faith in Christ if I remember that they are watching and that I am to be for them a sign of peace with my maker.

The funniest thing I've noticed thus far has been the rednecks who openly gawk. At the doctor's office the other day a woman actually told me "WOW, ma'am, you sure speak English good!" (hah!) and another asked me where I learned to speak it.

And of course, the never-ending choruses of "aren't you HOT under there?" (after all, it's 100 or so here in the south) are entertaining. In case you're wondering... no, I'm NOT hot. I'm actually cooler under all these loose, breathable clothes than I am in a tube top and shorts. True story.

But one of the best effects, and this is the one that honestly keeps me so in love with covering, is the bond of love you feel towards your human sisters who walk the path of headcovering with you, no matter what their motive (religious or illness or otherwise.) One of the most amazing things in the world is the instant connection you have with any other modestly-dressed woman you might encounter-- its' a true sisterhood, and through it love has broken down walls and Christ has been clearly proclaimed.

For many years Wayne and I wanted to be missionaries in distant lands... particularly along Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, and Indian cultures. God has still not granted us this "wish" although it still burns in our hearts. And we are at peace with that, believing in His timing and judgement. But in the strangest manner, He has led us here, in our community, to love Indians, Middle Easterners, and Mediterranean people who just "happen" across our path, over and over again. A pious woman with modest attire, who is not swayed by the world is a true bridge to unity and ministry... through this simple act of covering my hair and body, I am able to make a way into a cultures which are closed to Christianity and to the Christian message of love of God and neighbor. Ultimately, it helps me to know women who go through the same thing, and to see that despite VAST religious differences, underneath it all we are not that different, and that we both want with all our hearts to do good and be good.

Before my husband came to me with a request to cover my head again, I had committed, by discernment, to stopping whatever I was doing and praying for Muslims at each call of the daily muslim prayer times. I downloaded an islamic app to my iphone which acts as an azan clock, and with every call to prayer I get on my knees and recite the prayers the Angel at Fatima told the children to pray in a clear-cut message that Mary was coming for Muslims there as well. Then I pray an act of consecration of the human race to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. And as I have done this consistently, I have found that God has made way for me to connect with more muslim families, who I can pray for, and love on, and serve. He has also helped me to heal from a very real distrust of Muslim people's intentions.... because of my "fundamentalist" attitude in terms of religion, it is easy to see MUSLIMS as the enemy, forgetting that our warfare is with powers and principalities, not PEOPLE.

When my husband asked me to cover in the traditional "hijab" style, and when, in turn, I have then often been mistaken for a Muslim, followers of a religion which is so at odds with Christianity and which is seen as the terrorizing force behind much of the fear we experience in the west today, it has been such a blessing to me to know that God has set this path before each of us, and we have but to say yes as things come up and He paints a beautiful portrait with our lives.

Ironically, the peace I have found in this practice, and in particular as it relates to the missionary call of Christ to love and serve Muslims in our communities, has been the only thing which kept me from going off the deep end when I recently had a big "crisis of faith."
As a protestant, it was so easy: Islam is bad, Christianity is good. End of story. Thus all muslims must become Christians. End of Story.
But what this did was alienate Wayne and I from the very cultures which we felt led to serve.... it created in us an "us vs them" mentality which we could not shake. I will blog more, hopefully tomorrow as I've been meaning to write this for ages, on the change that has been created in our hearts... but for now suffice to say that we have simply learned to truly serve and love the Muslims we encounter, with no strings attached, and this has paved the way for the Gospel of Peace.
Because of this simple, small act: because I cover my head, I was able to find peace where before there had been none, and at at time when the very foundations of my faith were being shaken. I thank God every day for his wisdom.

Finally, I can attest to the glory of the covering for women in Orders. Wearing the covering has been such a fulfillment of the Carmelite Way of Life that I have been called to and is, in an even visible way, a special "clothing" in grace, a grace that overflows from the Brown Scapular of Mount Carmel-- a grace which promises that when we wear the garment, the grace washes over us. Not because we wear it, but because BY wearing it we are reminded and we remind that we choose to lay down our lives for the One who made us. Amen!