Can you believe this?

Day seven is rapidly drawing to a close with no progress. Last night all night I was at six minutes apart and REEEEALLY hurting, very "period" crampy and not just tightening, so I was convinced that this morning we'd be well on our way. Of course, when I woke up I realized it was almost fifteen minutes between contractions and they were just mildly uncomfortable at that point. Wow.

So, we got up and took Annika to her vax update appt. at the pediatrician. She had SEVEN shots today (and I refused a few to give her later.... seven seemed like enough!!) to get caught up from California. I laughed when I was explaining to the nurse why she hadn't been vaxed since she was six months. The nurse goes:
"Oh, California. It's all those hippies."
IF that wasn't funny enough, when my doctor came in, I explained the situation to him and he said something along the same lines. The entire vax debate has been solved in my own life, from now on I'm vaxing. Period. I remember what happened to me when I joined the military: they assume no one has been vaxed (they don't look at your history) and they spend an entire DAY of reception battalion shooting you over and over and over in this long line. And as it happens, you're not even aware of what they're shooting you with. Turns out I was vaxed for things like live Anthrax, too. Hehe.
ANyways, people faint left and right and the entire next day everyone is sick as a dog and just sniffling away. And then we drive on and get over it. That's pretty much what I'm recommending ever since I had the croup experience with Annika-- which was terrifying and really avoidable had I not listened to all the anti-vax hype. Of course, it's a personal decision, but for me--- no thanks. I'm vaxing.

In other news, I'm desperately trying to finish my nursing shawl before Ishod gets here. It's really boring to knit b/c it's ALL knit stitches and YOs, but it looks so great-- everyone who sees it wants one. :P

I've had a TON of time lately to think about my life.
I realized while Liza was here just how culturally different Californians are from North Carolinians. She is so dear to me, and I cherish our friendship so much, so it was frustrating to me not to be able to take care of her and bless her the way I would have liked to had I not been going through all of this. It was also interesting to see (since it was the first time since I've been married that we spent an extended period of time together) how different our lives have become! I think a big part of that is not just who we married but the turns that our lives have taken.

She and I had a lengthy talk about some things and at one point I realized that the WAY Wayne talks to me sometimes was really freaking her out.
Now, when he and I first got married, it often freaked me out too, but I've since become much stronger and less offendable. A point I have to stress here, is that though Wayne is the first to admit he's hot tempered, 99 percent of the time he is totally joking.
For example, we discuss at length the possibility of his adding concubines to this family not because it's something he really wants but because it's an inside joke to us--- I'm always too tired to meet some of his needs and complainy, so he says "I'll get a concubine" and I say "great... can she dry the dishes when she's done with that?"
Etc,. etc. It's all in good fun. But many of my friends are --- well---- uncomfortable, to say the least, listening to these types of conversations between us. They are used to being wooed by their husbands. I'll be honest--- I don't want that.

When I was in high school, I dated this guy who left me flowers on my front porch every morning. It made me want to puke and I couldn't ditch him fast enough. In college, guys were always falling all over themselves to be "romantic' with me, and I thought of it as boring and a nuissance. I wanted a guy who wouldn't let me walk all over him. And I knew those were hard to find. You remember OFARM (operation Find a Real Man) which we conducted every Fri and Sat night..... it's hard finding real men in a society that's essentially permeated with feminist thought.
Anyways, in a lot of ways, that's what makes my husband perfect for me. I'll never get bored, and he'll never be cheezy. When he's romantic, it comes from HIM, not a hallmark card, and if his way of being romantic is (like today) renting a golf cart and taking me on a rip roaring ride of the hills at King's Grant, then great. I'd rather that than a box of chocolates, you know? (By the way, I'm not saying that guys who ARE sensitive and romantic suck, I'm just saying I'm glad I'm not married to them. :P)

I think, if anything, living in the South has taught me to rethink the topic of sensitivity. For example, Liza was pretty horrified at the idea that Wayne would draw a picture of me as big and round and him next to me as trim and muscular, with the word "mean" written across the top. She brought it up with him.
When he had originally drawn that, I WAS being mean, and grumpy, and he had drawn it and slid it over to me quietly and we had both had a great laugh and avoided a potentially big fight. It was endearing to me, so I put it up on the wall to remind me that I needed to tone my hormones down a bit when I was turning edgy (Which happens frequently when you're going through this kind of stuff!)
But she was like... "Why would you say that to your wife who you love?" For her, that was the opposite of love. But for me, looking up at that picture reminded me of sweetness that I shared with him. :P
I thought that was really interesting. Just the day before she and I had had a deep conversation about where Wayne and I were at and I shared with her some of the struggles that I've shared in here about learning to allow my husband to lead when he had missed the part about "protecting" us, putting us first, etc. All of which are valid concerns, but all of which are normal parts of developing a marriage and becoming more one as he and I learn to be more holy and less "us."

Anyhoo, her visit had me re-think a lot of the things I take for granted. IS it ok for him to not be swoony and "sensitive" when talking to me? I mean, I'm the first person to tell him: "I'll answer you when you address me a different way," if he's really and truly in the wrong, but he definitely doesn't do that much. It's more like, I always feel like things are just fine in our house and in our relationship until people make comments... when my parents stay with us, or his parents, they always make me feel guilty for not expecting him, for example, to help around the house more. I can't tell you how many times people have heard me say " I'll go change the baby," and commented: "no, Wayne, you should change the baby."
It makes me feel stupid, like I'm not standing up for myself enough. I'm sure it makes him feel stupid too.

But after they leave and things are restored to our kind of normal, I remember why we do things the way we do--- they work for us! We are all much happier and calmer when we aren't worried about it. I don't get offended when he tells me "you're round." I AM round. We smooch and I sit my round self on his lap and things are good. When other people are around us, though, it's like I second guess everything about us.... suddenly when he looks at me endearingly and says "You're round," and I see someone else in the room flinch, I'm like... oh my gosh. Is he being mean to me? I'm offended. It's like re-training my brain to go back to normal. I wish it didn't have to happen. I wish that people could just grasp that we're all in different places and that there's no reason why the way MY husband sounds should be exactly the same as the way someone else's husband sounds. (I'm not talking specifically about Liza here, who totally and completely knows that God is all about families and makes us comfy in ours. She knows we are all individuals and she knows we are all sinners..... which makes the difference in the way you recognize how to deal with each other. I'm thinking more about my parents and Parents-In-Law, who haven't quite grasped that yet.)

Anyways, it just seems there is a kind of polarization between Southerners and everyone else. Southerners do it to themselves, for sure. But there's something just a bit "tougher" or less whiny (I can't think of a better way to describe it) about people raised out here.... they just aren't as offendable and they certainly aren't as sensitive, which makes it hard for me to remember to BE more sensitive when I'm in relationships with people who aren't from here. Like me and Liza said the other day: in communication, the burden is on the communicator and not the listener. It's up to the communicator to make himself understood. If he can't make himself understood, he should at least make himself respectable. You know?

Thats why I think Wayne sometimes gets perceived as being so abrasive--- he doesn't waste words, and says things like they are. It's hard for people to get used to that. It took me years to get used to it and on top of that it's still something I think needs to be done with the utmost grace and kindness, which he's the first to tell you he struggles with. But there is something really liberating about it too. I can appreciate that when I go to him, he'll ALWAYS tell me the truth. And he'll always do it in a way that demonstrates he's interested in both learning and helping me grow. He gives his utmost attention to things like that, and really gives it his all. And he's sensitive to God's leading, which I really admire. Like I said, he just needs to get that "protective" thing down.... because you can't have one without the other. In my own life, it was only through rabid conversations and debates in the R&P and real life that i realized I had to figure out a way to get along with people because GOD loved them. And that was really more for them than for me....after all, my personal opinions don't matter to God or His perfect plan. But they sure can get in the way.

Anyways, I'm learning a ton. Please continue to pray that this baby comes soon. I'm kinda delirious at this point and really exhausted.