the beginnings of a new season

Well, mom's gone. She left tearfully this morning (as I knew she would) and I was sad to see her go. My house has been restored to it's normal workings now--- no more wierd butter dishes sitting out or onions on the kitchen floor, no more unidentified plastic bags full of yumminess in the refrigerator door or open windows in my office. Things have gone very quickly back to ordinary. No more help either! I'm totally alone with a mountain of things to do and get done.
I'm alone in the house with the babies. Annika is talking to herself and waiting for lunch, and Ishod is sleeping. He hasn't figured out his days from his nights yet.

When mom arrived at the airport, she called to tell me she had made it safely. I thanked her again for being so helpful and she said she wanted to apologize for the times she wasn't helpful. I wanted to cry but I made nothing out of it and quickly changed the subject. You see, it MATTERS to me that my parents approve of me. But I sometimes have to accept that they aren't always going to.... that's the nature of life.

Last night as we were watching Empire of the Sun all together, Wayne was chopping up some wood pieces for her and he went outside to file them so I wouldn't flip about the filings on the floor. All of a sudden mom errupted into a horrifying rant about how terrible it was that we were so ill-informed about the goings on in the world. I mean, a real rant... hollering and everything. I asked her where the notion even came from and she said she had wanted to go get a newspaper for Wayne to put the filings on so he could stay inside in the warm, but of course, we didn't have a newspaper. This really freaked her out. I can see why--I used to be a journalist! The idea of me not being bound and glued to the news is really strange, but also liberating for me... just different than what she's used to. But to her, it's the epitome of me not living up to the dreams she had for me. And that hurts her. I know. My parents have always had big plans for us and big ideas. Since arriving here she has spent lengthy car rides trying to convince me to move ANYWHERE besides Fayetteville, to nag my husband into doing things around the house, (she even tried it!) and to change our way of life in any number of ways. It's really got me thinking.

You see, a few weeks ago, before the arrival of our two latest visitors, there were neither seeds of doubt nor seeds of strife in our home. Things were calm, if you can believe that, and things were simple. But then in comes people with opinions and ideas and questions and all of a sudden I find myself questioning everything. It threw my husband for a spin as well. And I'm not blaming the guests, mind you. I'm blaming myself--- in the time in which I needed my Savior most, I totally and completely abandoned Him for time trying to live up to the expectations of my guests. Sure, I read my bible. But I didn't COMMUNE with my Lord. I didn't spend time in worship, I didn't take the time to hear from God. And so my guests suffered, because they could see that I was unhappy with the way they wanted to tell me how life should be for me, instead of me just graciously taking their opinions and being an example, I shut down and got frustrated with them and the situation.

At that moment, I lost my ability to be light in the world. I lost my ability to stand on what I know is right and ok because I allowed their opinions to plant seeds in my heart--- if only for a moment. I disrespected my husband because they disrespected my husband. I questioned my child training methods because they questioned them. I allowed myself to begin to question what the heck we were doing back in Fayetteville and all that because THEY couldn't understand it. I didn't do these things externally or out loud, but my greatest sin is to do them in my heart-- because the Lord knows my heart.

I ended up showing my doubt through tearful moments and frustrations instead of standing my ground so completely that they couldn't help but see that I was OK and in God's will for my life. But somehow, some way, God still was able to show that to my mom on her drive to the airport, because she called and said she was sorry. Amazing.
I don't want her to be sorry. I am sorry, because I failed. She's just doing what she knows to do. She isn't a Christian. How else could she behave?

Anyways.... it's all crazy. Gah. I sure did learn a ton about the use of my tongue, though. And now that I've repented, I am praying that God will restore right order in my home. It appears He has already begun to do just that :)