My eldest reminds me a lot of me. Which is why I think she is so hard to parent-- because she demonstrates a lot of the traits I struggle to tame in myself and because she seems to have a grasp on God that very few kids have-- she definitely sees God in her microwave too. This kind of overwhelms me because she sometimes sees the things of God far more clearly than I do. I'm supposed to be leading her to Him but sometimes, many times, she is the one doing the leading. It also makes it hard because I empathize with her-- I remember feeling a lot of the the things she is feeling and I wish I could spare her the hard lessons!
I am sensitive. People have always thought of me as emotional and easily overwhelmed and stressed out... but internally, there is a lot more going on in me than I notice visibly in other people. If I am in an environment that is unfamiliar, I am hyper aware of the things around me: noises, feelings, smells.... It's enough to cause me to lose concentration in a dinner conversation when I hear someone else's fork and knife making tinging noises on their plate. My eye sight is bad so I compensate with noticing other things. I get a "nervous" feeling often when something is not right in a room I'm in. When I was a kid, I was easily terrified. When I was a teenager, I "felt" things in rooms and buildings that other people rarely noticed. Once I came to Jesus, I gained a strong, internal alarm that alerted me to some things or people I needed to be on guard about. I later learned that this was called "discernment" and was a gift of the holy spirit. It literally took years to learn how to control the inner input levels---how to tune stimulus out or, conversely, how to tune in. And it still sometimes gets away from me...my husband and I experience identical supernatural or paranormal phenomena in two very different ways, for example. While he has a tendency to acknowledge that "something is going on," and then move on, I remain stuck in the "feeling" of it and continue to experience sensory input for quite a while even if I don't want to because it feels like too much.
It's sometimes hard to parent when you are a believer because you don't always trust your own instincts. Or at least, you question your trust of your own instinct... if that makes sense. I believe in the spiritual, in angels and demons. But I am also a rational human being. If my child is afraid of a ghost, I'm going to treat it as I would any investigation: to look first to what is in her direct environment. Did she overhear us talking about ghosts? Did she see a picture or a movie about a ghost somewhere? Did her grandpa tell her a ghost story when I wasn't around? If I can effectively rule out all other possibilities I can at least feel comfortable entertaining the idea that we are dealing with spiritual phenomena...but not before. In which case the next big step is really just to investigate how to pray for her.
Which brings me back to her. I mentioned before that she has an uncanny knack for spiritual things-- and why should I be surprised?
Before she was born she was prophesied over-- that she would be like an olympic torch, that other people would light their flame of faith on hers. (Exciting once I learned about St Brighid's flame!)
This is the girl who, without any exposure to Mary, saw Mary over our dining room table holding the infant Jesus, and who later discovered the Catholic Girl's Guide in the sandbox which, among other combined "God moments" helped us both to cross the Tiber.
I'll give a couple of examples of what daily life with her is like. And before I do, I will say this: Everyone thinks their kid is "special." I get that. And that's not what this is, although, of course, I think she's special. :P My point is that she often does stuff that just leaves me dumbfounded-- and those around me as well.
So, for example. The other day she was worried about giants. She told me that she could hear the giants in the backyard. Her grandpa immediately jumped in and told her that egg nog was a giant deterrent (couldn't have picked water, huh, Grandpa? What am I going to do when the holidays are over? :P)
She gulped down a whole glass of eggnog and then said to me: "I still hear him in the garden. I hear a lot of noises. There is a dog out there too."
I explained to her that sometimes we had to ignore things we hear (she's very sensitive to sound, going as far as covering her ears at parades and movies and getting visibly distressed over the volume level.) Then I thought twice, not wanting her to totally grow to "tune out" everything either-- but rather to grow to learn how to tune in or tune out as needed. Sometimes our senses are telling us something we need to know-- alerting us. I didn't want her to drown that out.
So, long story short I gave her a child-sized version of tuning out and tuning in and we played the game for a few minutes. Satisfied that she felt she had a little more control over the input levels in her senses, I walked off to do some dishes. She surprised the heck out of me by coming into the kitchen and saying: "Mommy, my eye TV (this is what she calls her thoughts) says that the giant is only in my imagination, but that he isn't what I need to worry about." I was surprised, since that isn't language I normally use with her, but I just smiled and said encouragingly: "You're right. He's made up." Then she was quiet for a moment before telling me: "But if I DO have to worry about a giant, then I will call David. He's my favorite saint because he killed a giant and he will do that here." It is uncanny to me how she just picks this stuff up.
Yesterday I was thumbing through a Yoga Journal mag before laying down to nap.
(note to readers who don't know this about me- I practice sanctified yoga. Fully believing that, like Christmas trees, Christians are called to sanctify the world by taking what IS good out of evil and giving it a facelift through Christ. I have no problem calling it "yoga" although I realize that many of my Christian sisters and brothers prefer to leave yoga out of the picture and simply call what I'm describing "stretching and meditating on the Word of God." I am fully aware of the whole "stay away from yoga" thing and I think it's a perfectly valid "fear" that people have. I am confronted often with people who suffer from demonic attacks due to a mindless yoga practice.
However, to those with discernment, there is much good that can come from a regular yoga practice - and even from Yoga Journal! I just recommend that you pray for the HOLY Spirit to enlighten your mind and protect you from evil before you dive in and believe it all. I'm sure I've blogged about this before, but feel that in light of "the War on Yoga" and the fact that I blog publicly both about my yoga practice AND my deliverance ministry, it warrants a brief footnote.)
So, I was zipping through this mag and Annika came up next to me and stops me on a page and points out a picture of Ganesh. (yes, I have books wiht pictures of Ganesh in my house.... No, they don't cause demonic infestions. But maybe in YOUR house, they might. ;))
"Who's THAT, mommy?"
"It's just an elephant."
"No, why is he green? Why does he have that thing on his forehead?"
"I don't know, sweetie. Somebody painted him."
"Well I don't think he's a part of our communion," She says to me. I raise an eyebrow.
"No?"
"Nope. I don't think he's a part of our communion and I don't like him and I don't think he's allowed in here. And if he comes in, my daddy will see him no matter what he looks like and he will shoot him." (her daddy is the one who knows all there is to know about Eastern Religion.)
Hmmm. I didn't want to pry, so I just said: "That's right, sweetie." But how incredible that, at three, she GETS that the demonic god Ganesh--yeah, I said it-- is certainly NOT a part of our communion (how does she even understand the application of this word?), and that he is certainly NOT welcome here, and that her daddy will recognize him in any form he takes. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into her comment... who knows? To me, it was almost mystical.
Then there's tonight. I gave her a few of my old "Martine" books to read before sleeping and she landed on "Martine et les quatre saisons."
A few minutes after correcting her for getting out of bed, I told her: Now, I'm leaving and I do NOT want to hear your voice again until morning, do you understand me?"
"Mommy, yes, mommy!" She shouted gleefully (we've been playing drill sgt and new recruits lately :P)
"Is there anything else you want to know or talk about before I go?"
"Yes," She says to me.
"What's that?"
She opens the book to a page where Martine and a little boy are squatting near a river which is coming down from an alpy looking mountain, and where a goat is frolicking happily around the adjoining pasture. It could have been a scene taken straight out of my childhood.
"Tonton Sean can't sleep right now and he is thinking about you and him being children together right here."
Tonton Sean is my brother, Seanessey, who we haven't talked about in months. He is deployed in Iraq again and having a pretty rotten deployment this time around. She and I had never discussed this memory or much of anything about when Seanessey and I grew up.
I was totally incredulous. Where did that come from?? I could feel the tears coming on so I just went out into the living room with a stern look saying : "Go to sleep." I wondered if, indeed, Sean WAS sitting halfway across the globe trying to sleep and thinking about us being kids in the French Alps? It seemed likely. I told my husband about it and he said: "She's just a little prophetic bean. I don't know what to say."
Another time, a dear friend of ours was dealing with her husband's deployment. He is an air force pilot. Out of NOWHERE she began asking if we could pray for him together and kept it up all on her own during his entire deployment. And although we had never specifically discussed with her that they had been trying to conceive, one night she looked at me with a serious face when I asked who she wanted to pray for.
"Let's pray for Annie, momma. She wants to have a baby in her belly." I was breathless.
It isn't always such a blessing-- this also means she is particularly sensitive to negative spiritual stuff. I remember a particularly difficult stretch with her when we lived in our old house and were helping two couples through a particularly intense demonic situation, of which she was absolutely blissfully unaware. We had been sitting in the house with a priest friend and discussing the situation. My husband was talking, and I got this sick sense in the pit of my stomach that he needed to STOP talking-- but there was no stopping him. The priest and I exchanged a brief glance and I wondered if my husband was making him MORE nervous than he already was. Just then, we heard a loud, distinct scrape and a bang. My husband didn't even notice, but the priest and I both jumped. I begged my husband to go in the kids room and see what it was, and he looked at me like I was the biggest nerd ever.
"Seriously?" He joked. "You heard a nooise?? WooooOOOOOoooooOOOOO."
I snapped at him:"I'm not playing. It was crazy loud. Get IN there and see if they are OK."
Father looked over at him with the most serious face I've ever seen him make and said: "it sounded like the dresser lifted off the floor and came crashing down." I agreed. He went in there and couldn't find a thing.
Later that night, we were awakened by my daughter, who was screaming with all her little might that bugs were crawling all over her.
Now, keep in mind, we live in the south and its entirely possible that a cockroach could have been on her. But we examined her and found nothing. The entire night, she stayed awake, even though she was safely snuggled between us, and every time she drifted into sleep she would screech that bugs were on her or pulling her legs. this went on for weeks thereafter, no matter what we did, and one day abruptly ended with no warning. She "slept" with us the whole time.
Another time during this wierd "bug" phase, she was lying in bed. She has a habit of getting VERY focused on something visually in order to drift off to sleep. This is important because it calms all her other senses and helps her to zone out. At the time, we had a night light that was a representation of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. So there she was, staring intently at it by her face, just drifting off, when a GIANT bug began to creep out from behind the nightlight. Then another. Then another. I'm not two, but as a full fledged adult if this would have happened to me I would have totally spazzed out. And this kind of thing just HAD to happen right while she was being "attacked" by bugs every night? Hmmm. During this same time period I happened to see a cockroach infestation all over a baptismal font and altar in a haunted parish. Two reknowned demonologists confirmed for me my suspicion that there was some possibility of demonic interference there with the bugs-- after all, demons can enter Swine, right? I feel certain that this incident coincided with my daughter's experience right on time for me to "grasp" this reality. I don't see these occurences as "accidents," although I'm certain many of my readers will.
Another time I was having a problem with a nasty feeling of dread I was getting from a particular corner of my living room in the middle of the night while up nursing. I finally went to bed and began the nightly dance I do: Nurse the baby. Put baby to bed. Tuck a cold toddler back into bed. Pee. Lie down. Get up ten minutes later to soothe a fussy baby. Lie down. Get up to help another toddler pee. Lie down. Get up to soothe said toddler back to sleep. Etc. Anyways, most of the night while I was doing all this I felt very uneasy, and this is unusual for my house. I simply felt, for lack of a better term, "watched" by a presence. It followed me from room to room and I just couldn't shake it, despite a middle of the night rosary. My daughter ended up sleeping in our room frpm 4ish on with her dad, while I kept the baby and the other toddler content and moved from room to room. At six or so I fell into my bed with my daughter and husband and began to close my eyes. My husband nudged me and said with a funny voice: "Annika, tell mommy what you've been telling daddy."
I looked at her.
"There's something following you." She said. I got chills. He told me that she had come to bed with him and insisted that she saw something walking with mommy. All I could do was cross myself. He later said that she was seeing the shadow of the flag outside our window. Who knows?
There have been many negative situations like this, but I like to focus on the positive. Yesterday morning as I was making breakfast and asking her what she wanted, (and consequentially, internally bemoaning the fact that I couldn't go to daily mass because we were both cranky from lack of sleep) she paused in my kitchen and said: "Mommy, we give God bread and He turns it into Jesus and makes it bread from heaven and then he tells us to eat it."
"Yes! You're right, he does. It's called "The Eucharist."" I said.
"We need to eat some soon. I think we will feel better."
I could go on forever with these little stories, but I think you get the idea...The point I'm making is that parenting a child, when one has this extrasensory spiritual perception, is truly challenging. I always want to be logical and balanced, and I NEVER want to project anything onto her. sure, she seems to understand communion perfectly, but when I ask her if she's excited about making her first communion she tells me she thinks she will put on a dress and marry Ishod (her brother) :P
My husband and I have not yet broached the subject of spiritual warfare with her in any way other than to tell her that if she's scared or nervous Jesus is with her and all she has to do is talk to Him about it and use His name. I find it astonishing that she can, at her young age, "get" spiritual truths in such a profound, life-changing way, as well as download sensory information that is often just surprisingly accurate, alongside having these deeply freaky paranormal experiences. I have no idea how to parent her, I just keep plowing along and hoping for the best, trying to let her know at every turn that she is loved beyond all measure. I imagine her powerful reactions (alternating between blissful obedience and contentment and absolutely mind-boggling fits which defy the imagination) have a lot to do with the powerful pull over her soul. I pray she wins the battle every day.
"Perhaps this is one of the secrets of life-- to know 'Glory' when we see it..." --Charlotte M. Mason
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Taking life seriously.
Facebook can be a blessing and a curse. While I absolutely LOVE having the ability to keep in touch with faraway friends as if I was close, alongside being able to get information to loved ones about what's going on with us, I get really annoyed when I find out things I didn't want to know about other people... or when I hear things that make me sad about the direction someone's life is going. Worse yet, when I offend someone with it.
Using it, like any other "conversation," is a situation that can be either edifying or wasteful, even sinful. It's up to us how we use it. I'm certainly guilty of using my status updates and tweets to complain, when I could be encouraging someone. Or to talk about parenting, instead of actually parenting. It's all in how we use it.
Yesterday, one of my Facebook friends, a person who I have worked with and labored in prayer over on an unusual haunting, had a status update that left me basically confused. If it was about what I thought it was about, it was really disturbing, but she was unclear so it became a source of confusion. I prayed about it and hoped that it wasn't what I thought and that she would elaborate to clarify so I would feel better about it.
Today, I came home from Church really fired up about the Eucharist, and really thankful for prayer. In the homily (By a priest who has a tendency to reuse homilies and not necessarily pour himself into them) I was surprised and thankful to find a wonderful, clear reminder of the vitality of prayer-- that prayer alone enables us to SEE Christ and find Him in our daily situations, in the people around us. For that reason, prayer is essential to the spirit and something which cannot be ignored. If you want to know God, if you want to feel His presence, if you want to experience His love, pray. We all need this.
I thought about what prayer has done in my life, and the lessons I have learned that taught me how and why I should pray. In particular, through ministering to persons in need of deliverance I have learned that often earnest, sincere prayer is the only thing you can "do."
So I was very upset when I came home from Church fired up about prayer to discover that someone who had asked me for prayer and over whom I have labored--and I mean labored-- in prayer was basically not taking any of it seriously.
This is a person for whom I have sacrificed what costs me most as a mother: my sleep, my time, and my attention. These things are so hard to come by for me, and yet I felt it was worth it to stretch myself thinner for this person because I couldn't be like everyone else in her life, just sit by and shrug and say: "Not my problem."
Even today, long after this person had left us in the dust of their crisis, I continue to pray for them daily, offering up little sacrifices here and there and hoping for a peaceful, righteous resolution to a situation that has really been tough for all people involved.
That seems to always be why my husband and I put ourselves out there for people who are experiencing a demonic problem, whether we feel it is legitimate or not. First, because if someone asks for our help, we are going to do what we can for them. We care about people, and want them to be happy and well for eternity.
And second, if we don't, we don't know who WILL-- often times these people are involved in things which absolutely terrify them, which they want to figure out but which other people won't touch with a ten-foot pole, and very often their natural curiosity and/or desperation will get them into further trouble-- often leading them where there was no real demonic activity to a place where there is a serious threat that needs to be addressed for the sake of their souls.
I am overwhelmed by a pull I feel towards people who are scared and experiencing a haunting. I have been there. I know the fright, the exhaustion, the fear and amazement, the furious hunt for answers. If I can help someone like that, I will always do it.
The question, then, is how? In the past, it has meant many different things, and I expect it will continue to be like that, as each situation is as unique as each individual. Sometimes, all I need to do is sit in my house and pray. Other times, people want to be reassured when they are frightened, which can mean going to their house to comfort them or simply being available by phone or email, sometimes all night long. Often, priests and pastors want someone to come with them because they are nervous or uncomfortable in a situation. In the past year, it has been made clear to me by my wifely, motherly, and Carmelite vocation that my main apostolate is prayer-- and because it is only through prayer that these things can be addressed, I am grateful that that is sometimes all that I can "do."
For this person, however, I felt that I had really gone above and beyond what I was not only inclined but really "able" to do, driving myself- and my husband- to the point of exhaustion. I also happen to know that this particular case has frustrated at least four diocesan priests and our Bishop, alongside several Catholic families who have tried to help. Because of this, when I read this particular status and then later had it confirmed, I was both fuming mad and hurt.
Mad because the battle between good and evil is not a joke. Those of us who have been knowingly touched by evil will never look at the world quite the same way again.For someone to have experienced something like that and then to be able to just brush it off and take their religion lightly-- well, that makes me angry. SOULS are at stake here. For ever. This is not a game.
And hurt because I saw all the hours of prayer and sacrifices I had made on behalf of this person just evaporate with no fruit--- I couldn't believe that after all that not sleeping when I was in DESPERATE need of sleep, all those lengthy, repetetive phone conversations I had when I could have been cleaning, or resting or enjoying my family, all those times that I made myself stay up to pray rosary after rosary... all that, it seems, for nothing. It feels like total rejection of the worst kind-- and cast a shadow of doubt for me over my vocation. Why was I bothering with these people if they were not only ungrateful but UNCHANGED- If not worse off?
So there I sat, checking and re-checking this status to try and understand all the while weeping some pretty bitter tears of sadness and confusion. My husband happened to walk by and shook his head. "Are you still crying about that?" he asked. I nodded. He cracked a smile and said to me:
"Look, I hate to be campy, Barbie, but what does this remind you of?" He had picked my rosary up off of desk next to me and was dangling the crucifix in front of my nose. I shrugged and sniffled.
"It sounds just like what Jesus did." And he dropped it on the desk and walked away.
I sat there feeling utterly foolish. He was right!
Our Lord is amazing... he endures this for each of us -- including me--- on a daily basis. I could just see Him in heaven, saying.... "I sweat BLOOD for you! I was NAILED to a cross. It was excruciating. Even today I am interceding for you before my Father. Why won't you take me seriously??"
Those of us who pray daily: "Lord, make me more like You and less like me" should rejoice in a situation like this.... and continue to pray and make sacrifices for people like this person, who, so far, has greatly disappointed us. We are called to be Christ to people. But only The Christ knows where this person's heart will be tomorrow, next year, ten years from now. May it be close to his own.
Using it, like any other "conversation," is a situation that can be either edifying or wasteful, even sinful. It's up to us how we use it. I'm certainly guilty of using my status updates and tweets to complain, when I could be encouraging someone. Or to talk about parenting, instead of actually parenting. It's all in how we use it.
Yesterday, one of my Facebook friends, a person who I have worked with and labored in prayer over on an unusual haunting, had a status update that left me basically confused. If it was about what I thought it was about, it was really disturbing, but she was unclear so it became a source of confusion. I prayed about it and hoped that it wasn't what I thought and that she would elaborate to clarify so I would feel better about it.
Today, I came home from Church really fired up about the Eucharist, and really thankful for prayer. In the homily (By a priest who has a tendency to reuse homilies and not necessarily pour himself into them) I was surprised and thankful to find a wonderful, clear reminder of the vitality of prayer-- that prayer alone enables us to SEE Christ and find Him in our daily situations, in the people around us. For that reason, prayer is essential to the spirit and something which cannot be ignored. If you want to know God, if you want to feel His presence, if you want to experience His love, pray. We all need this.
I thought about what prayer has done in my life, and the lessons I have learned that taught me how and why I should pray. In particular, through ministering to persons in need of deliverance I have learned that often earnest, sincere prayer is the only thing you can "do."
So I was very upset when I came home from Church fired up about prayer to discover that someone who had asked me for prayer and over whom I have labored--and I mean labored-- in prayer was basically not taking any of it seriously.
This is a person for whom I have sacrificed what costs me most as a mother: my sleep, my time, and my attention. These things are so hard to come by for me, and yet I felt it was worth it to stretch myself thinner for this person because I couldn't be like everyone else in her life, just sit by and shrug and say: "Not my problem."
Even today, long after this person had left us in the dust of their crisis, I continue to pray for them daily, offering up little sacrifices here and there and hoping for a peaceful, righteous resolution to a situation that has really been tough for all people involved.
That seems to always be why my husband and I put ourselves out there for people who are experiencing a demonic problem, whether we feel it is legitimate or not. First, because if someone asks for our help, we are going to do what we can for them. We care about people, and want them to be happy and well for eternity.
And second, if we don't, we don't know who WILL-- often times these people are involved in things which absolutely terrify them, which they want to figure out but which other people won't touch with a ten-foot pole, and very often their natural curiosity and/or desperation will get them into further trouble-- often leading them where there was no real demonic activity to a place where there is a serious threat that needs to be addressed for the sake of their souls.
I am overwhelmed by a pull I feel towards people who are scared and experiencing a haunting. I have been there. I know the fright, the exhaustion, the fear and amazement, the furious hunt for answers. If I can help someone like that, I will always do it.
The question, then, is how? In the past, it has meant many different things, and I expect it will continue to be like that, as each situation is as unique as each individual. Sometimes, all I need to do is sit in my house and pray. Other times, people want to be reassured when they are frightened, which can mean going to their house to comfort them or simply being available by phone or email, sometimes all night long. Often, priests and pastors want someone to come with them because they are nervous or uncomfortable in a situation. In the past year, it has been made clear to me by my wifely, motherly, and Carmelite vocation that my main apostolate is prayer-- and because it is only through prayer that these things can be addressed, I am grateful that that is sometimes all that I can "do."
For this person, however, I felt that I had really gone above and beyond what I was not only inclined but really "able" to do, driving myself- and my husband- to the point of exhaustion. I also happen to know that this particular case has frustrated at least four diocesan priests and our Bishop, alongside several Catholic families who have tried to help. Because of this, when I read this particular status and then later had it confirmed, I was both fuming mad and hurt.
Mad because the battle between good and evil is not a joke. Those of us who have been knowingly touched by evil will never look at the world quite the same way again.For someone to have experienced something like that and then to be able to just brush it off and take their religion lightly-- well, that makes me angry. SOULS are at stake here. For ever. This is not a game.
And hurt because I saw all the hours of prayer and sacrifices I had made on behalf of this person just evaporate with no fruit--- I couldn't believe that after all that not sleeping when I was in DESPERATE need of sleep, all those lengthy, repetetive phone conversations I had when I could have been cleaning, or resting or enjoying my family, all those times that I made myself stay up to pray rosary after rosary... all that, it seems, for nothing. It feels like total rejection of the worst kind-- and cast a shadow of doubt for me over my vocation. Why was I bothering with these people if they were not only ungrateful but UNCHANGED- If not worse off?
So there I sat, checking and re-checking this status to try and understand all the while weeping some pretty bitter tears of sadness and confusion. My husband happened to walk by and shook his head. "Are you still crying about that?" he asked. I nodded. He cracked a smile and said to me:
"Look, I hate to be campy, Barbie, but what does this remind you of?" He had picked my rosary up off of desk next to me and was dangling the crucifix in front of my nose. I shrugged and sniffled.
"It sounds just like what Jesus did." And he dropped it on the desk and walked away.
I sat there feeling utterly foolish. He was right!
Our Lord is amazing... he endures this for each of us -- including me--- on a daily basis. I could just see Him in heaven, saying.... "I sweat BLOOD for you! I was NAILED to a cross. It was excruciating. Even today I am interceding for you before my Father. Why won't you take me seriously??"
Those of us who pray daily: "Lord, make me more like You and less like me" should rejoice in a situation like this.... and continue to pray and make sacrifices for people like this person, who, so far, has greatly disappointed us. We are called to be Christ to people. But only The Christ knows where this person's heart will be tomorrow, next year, ten years from now. May it be close to his own.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Inner and Outer Silence.
Been thinking a lot about silence.
As a Carmelite, I'm called to silence, but as a human being, I'm about as inclined to silence as a rhino is to ballet dancing. Because of that, I have often wondered whether I (and others) have made a mistake in discerning my call to Carmel or whether I am simply being called to something greater than myself, for which I need God's grace and cannot "do" on my own what is required. I am pretty sure it is the latter.
Silence is both mortifying and humiliating for me, and as I have asked God over and over for opportunities to make reparations for sins and for opportunities to be humbled, He is certainly laying them out.
Yesterday, my husband, my father in law, and my kids and I were doing various things in the living room. My Father in law noticed that my husband was eating slivers from a block of cheese he had bought. He made a big thing about my husband eating the cheese, when in fact he had just asked my husband three days previous to
"Please, eat as much as you would like."
So my husband reacts, first with annoyance, and then as the conversation escalates, with a clear, verbal exhortation to please leave him alone because he is frustrated. Meanwhile, my brother in law looked on. As my husband got more and more agitated and my Father in law got more and more vocal, I felt that I "needed" to step in.
Why? Because I was watching a miscommunication unroll.
I sympathized first with my husband's position-- his dad HAD told him to "eat all he wants" and to top it off my husband had given him $20 the night before SO that he could eat "whatever he wants."
I sympathized also with my Father in Law. ALL he wanted in this instance was to know that he would be informed if the cheese was finished so that he could get more for the next time a craving hit and not be surprised by the "missing cheese" in the fridge. I've been there so many times with my husband--going into the Fridge to get dinner ready only to find out that he has eaten the very thing I was going to use that night and not told me about it. It drives me nuts.
Really, what they needed was to have a calm discussion in which they agreed: You eat the food if you want it and if you eat too much of it, give me some money. If you decide to eat all of it, please let me know when you are doing it so that I'm not surprised later. Thanks!
Instead, as the living room tension escalated and my brother in law started shouting at my husband that (IRONY!) he needed to "grow some maturity," I began to raise my voice too. First, I objected to everyone raising their voice. By yelling myself. Then I objected to everyone's potty mouth in front of the kids. By yelling myself at them in front of the kids. then I acknowledged in front of all persons present that my husband was having an overreaction-- RIGHT when he was totally frustrated and feeling misunderstood. I realized my mistake about 2.4 seconds into opening my mouth, but the damage was done. I tried to rectify by putting on my best smile and cheerfully saying: "Come on, kids! Who wants to help mommy pick out a book to read in the bedroom??" but it was too late.
The result? He gave me "the Look" and stormed upstairs saying: "Don't come looking for me the next time you three want to gang up on me."
I thought about it for a long time afterwards. He was absolutely right-- I had no business participating in the conversation. I piped up when I felt the kids were being put in an aggravating situation, but the reality is that it STILL wasn't my business... at that point, my business was to take the kids elsewhere.I realized the great value of EXTERIOR silence.
The same day, I started two new groups on Ravelry. One for Secular Carmelites to connect and one for Catholic Mothers. I felt these would be productive ways to spend time in forums as opposed to endless arguments/debates over theology and apologetics.
A woman joined one of them who seemed very nice-- before she immediately jumped on me for a number of things. The first was because she didn't like the group banner (I had a temporary banner up until I had the time to do a proper one.)
Then she didn't like a post I made regarding the rosary, insisting that as Carmelites we did not HAVE to pray the rosary. She misunderstood the intent of my post and sort of harped on the logistics of how "Carmelite" the Rosary was and wasn't. Of course, she clarified- she was a former formation director. (And by the looks of her posts, a dedicated grammarian!)
But she was also correct-- one hundred percent-- even though she and I were in agreement the whole time. She just wanted to let me in (and anyone else who might be reading) on the specifics of the law concerning these two issues.
She may have meant them in pure charity, but the reality of the fact is that she was rather insensitive to what I "might" actually know-- just like the protestant sister of a friend of mine who, upon hearing that I was Catholic and liked my bible in a passing FB post on a friend's page, wrote me a lengthy email telling me how great it was that I was "starting" to read my bible and suggesting that I start with John. (heeehee!!)I know that Catholics, and thus Carmelites, do not HAVE to pray the rosary. I also know that we should. Though it isn't required, it is good! So to take the time to remind me of that seemed ... excessively stern.
These things came right when it seemed most that I was being convicted of speaking out when indeed, I need to be quiet. "Watch and Pray," the Bible tells us.. and so Watch and Pray I must. Holy Father Saint John of the Cross comes to mind, who says:
“It is great wisdom to know how to be silent and to look at neither the remarks, nor the deeds, nor the lives of others.”
I reflected then on ways in which someone had spoken a Word of God to me through silence in the last week. I thought of the priest who said mass last week, an incredible contemplative soul. He is a benedictine monk assigned to the military hospital here on post and thus separated from his community.
At Communion, usually the priest will bless the baby and my other children, and then give me communion. This time, however, I noticed something different.
First, he remained on the step so that he was a level above each communicant. But he directed the Eucharistic ministers to be down on the floor "with everybody else."
This silently spoke volumes about what was happening during communion and I loved it---as if they had brought an INVISIBLE communion rail in!!
Then he did something even more amazing. When it was my turn, he broke my host in half. He blessed my baby WITH the host--again, silently speaking volumes about the Eucharist.Then he gently placed both halves in my mouth...speaking silently to me about my vocation as mother to help my child grow to recieve her share of the Eucharist, as well as reminding me of my bond of love with her in Christ. It was a mystical moment.
There is power in silence. Lord, I want to walk in your ways.
As a Carmelite, I'm called to silence, but as a human being, I'm about as inclined to silence as a rhino is to ballet dancing. Because of that, I have often wondered whether I (and others) have made a mistake in discerning my call to Carmel or whether I am simply being called to something greater than myself, for which I need God's grace and cannot "do" on my own what is required. I am pretty sure it is the latter.
Silence is both mortifying and humiliating for me, and as I have asked God over and over for opportunities to make reparations for sins and for opportunities to be humbled, He is certainly laying them out.
Yesterday, my husband, my father in law, and my kids and I were doing various things in the living room. My Father in law noticed that my husband was eating slivers from a block of cheese he had bought. He made a big thing about my husband eating the cheese, when in fact he had just asked my husband three days previous to
"Please, eat as much as you would like."
So my husband reacts, first with annoyance, and then as the conversation escalates, with a clear, verbal exhortation to please leave him alone because he is frustrated. Meanwhile, my brother in law looked on. As my husband got more and more agitated and my Father in law got more and more vocal, I felt that I "needed" to step in.
Why? Because I was watching a miscommunication unroll.
I sympathized first with my husband's position-- his dad HAD told him to "eat all he wants" and to top it off my husband had given him $20 the night before SO that he could eat "whatever he wants."
I sympathized also with my Father in Law. ALL he wanted in this instance was to know that he would be informed if the cheese was finished so that he could get more for the next time a craving hit and not be surprised by the "missing cheese" in the fridge. I've been there so many times with my husband--going into the Fridge to get dinner ready only to find out that he has eaten the very thing I was going to use that night and not told me about it. It drives me nuts.
Really, what they needed was to have a calm discussion in which they agreed: You eat the food if you want it and if you eat too much of it, give me some money. If you decide to eat all of it, please let me know when you are doing it so that I'm not surprised later. Thanks!
Instead, as the living room tension escalated and my brother in law started shouting at my husband that (IRONY!) he needed to "grow some maturity," I began to raise my voice too. First, I objected to everyone raising their voice. By yelling myself. Then I objected to everyone's potty mouth in front of the kids. By yelling myself at them in front of the kids. then I acknowledged in front of all persons present that my husband was having an overreaction-- RIGHT when he was totally frustrated and feeling misunderstood. I realized my mistake about 2.4 seconds into opening my mouth, but the damage was done. I tried to rectify by putting on my best smile and cheerfully saying: "Come on, kids! Who wants to help mommy pick out a book to read in the bedroom??" but it was too late.
The result? He gave me "the Look" and stormed upstairs saying: "Don't come looking for me the next time you three want to gang up on me."
I thought about it for a long time afterwards. He was absolutely right-- I had no business participating in the conversation. I piped up when I felt the kids were being put in an aggravating situation, but the reality is that it STILL wasn't my business... at that point, my business was to take the kids elsewhere.I realized the great value of EXTERIOR silence.
The same day, I started two new groups on Ravelry. One for Secular Carmelites to connect and one for Catholic Mothers. I felt these would be productive ways to spend time in forums as opposed to endless arguments/debates over theology and apologetics.
A woman joined one of them who seemed very nice-- before she immediately jumped on me for a number of things. The first was because she didn't like the group banner (I had a temporary banner up until I had the time to do a proper one.)
Then she didn't like a post I made regarding the rosary, insisting that as Carmelites we did not HAVE to pray the rosary. She misunderstood the intent of my post and sort of harped on the logistics of how "Carmelite" the Rosary was and wasn't. Of course, she clarified- she was a former formation director. (And by the looks of her posts, a dedicated grammarian!)
But she was also correct-- one hundred percent-- even though she and I were in agreement the whole time. She just wanted to let me in (and anyone else who might be reading) on the specifics of the law concerning these two issues.
She may have meant them in pure charity, but the reality of the fact is that she was rather insensitive to what I "might" actually know-- just like the protestant sister of a friend of mine who, upon hearing that I was Catholic and liked my bible in a passing FB post on a friend's page, wrote me a lengthy email telling me how great it was that I was "starting" to read my bible and suggesting that I start with John. (heeehee!!)I know that Catholics, and thus Carmelites, do not HAVE to pray the rosary. I also know that we should. Though it isn't required, it is good! So to take the time to remind me of that seemed ... excessively stern.
These things came right when it seemed most that I was being convicted of speaking out when indeed, I need to be quiet. "Watch and Pray," the Bible tells us.. and so Watch and Pray I must. Holy Father Saint John of the Cross comes to mind, who says:
“It is great wisdom to know how to be silent and to look at neither the remarks, nor the deeds, nor the lives of others.”
I reflected then on ways in which someone had spoken a Word of God to me through silence in the last week. I thought of the priest who said mass last week, an incredible contemplative soul. He is a benedictine monk assigned to the military hospital here on post and thus separated from his community.
At Communion, usually the priest will bless the baby and my other children, and then give me communion. This time, however, I noticed something different.
First, he remained on the step so that he was a level above each communicant. But he directed the Eucharistic ministers to be down on the floor "with everybody else."
This silently spoke volumes about what was happening during communion and I loved it---as if they had brought an INVISIBLE communion rail in!!
Then he did something even more amazing. When it was my turn, he broke my host in half. He blessed my baby WITH the host--again, silently speaking volumes about the Eucharist.Then he gently placed both halves in my mouth...speaking silently to me about my vocation as mother to help my child grow to recieve her share of the Eucharist, as well as reminding me of my bond of love with her in Christ. It was a mystical moment.
There is power in silence. Lord, I want to walk in your ways.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Breakfast is the new dinner
I used to lament the fact that my family just cannot seem to get a family dinner going-- you read all the time about how important the family dinner is and how crucial it is to the mission of creating a Godly family culture.
Not having a husband and Father in law on board for the family dinner thing has been endlessly annoying to me. That being said- we actually HAVE family dinners more often than not. It's just that I can never "count on" the fact that it is a priority for each family member, each day of the week. It seemed like everytime we got into a trend of three or so family dinners in a week, I would get excited and start plotting ways to add a family devotional or something in my mind, and then get thoroughly disappointed when the next supper found us all eating in different parts of the house as we worked on various projects. Rather than lament, I placed these frustrations squarely in the hands of the Lord, who opened my eyes to something amazing this morning.
When we first moved in here, I was endlessly irritated at my Father in Law for his morning habits. First, because he seems to set his alarm for the minute that I have tons of stuff to do in the kitchen and then we have to dance around each other getting in each other's way, and second because he seems to be intent on asking us if he can make us something and then resenting the fact that we don't thank him perpetually for all his good deeds all the time, which make us more likely to just
say "forget it!"
Case in point, the great Bacon fiasco of 2009, where he made a HUGE deal out of making sure everyone in the house got bacon for a week straight. The kids, who had never had bacon before got super excited about the very thought of bacon with all the enthusiasm with which he would describe it, and everymorning he would race through the halls going: "Bacon! Bacon's on the table for everybody! Who wants bacon??"
Then one day he was like... "Hey, well you guys are eating bacon every day. The kids REALLY like it. Maybe you could chip in." Seriously?
Add to that the fact that neither myself nor my husband are morning people--- and that we normally eat like, a breakfast bar and a cup of tea (including the kids) and it was like hell on earth for us getting up in the mornings--- where we were accosted by his good mood and his glee over the huge breakfast he had made us and how much energy it was going to give us.
Fast forward a few months and I began to notice that we DID have a lot of energy for the day when we ate a good breakfast. And then, as our appreciation for our Scottish/Irish heritage grew in proportion to the kilts we accumulated (Haha) I began to develop an appreciation for traditional country breakfasts, which are based largely on traditional Scottish and Irish breakfasts. I started praying about ways to incorporate his dad's morning methods with our own and we finally worked out a system in which there was limited "kitchen dancing" going on and more goal orientation.
Nowadays, breakfast is like a well-oiled machine. He makes the coffee and bacon, I make the eggs, tea, oatmeal, fruit and toast. If someone wants grits, they know Grandpa's the expert. When Saturday's roll around, I make the pancakes or waffles. And Grandpa makes us his special biscuits and gravy once a month. Everyone wakes up cheerier now that we know what to expect and the kids, I have to say, eat more at breakfast than any other meal.
We all sit together every morning and we talk naturally, optimistically and openly about the day ahead instead of with resignation and frustration about the day that's past. And honestly? It's a glorious time. And we laugh-- because morning is always a little slow and silly.
I guess it took a change in attitude and a desire to make it work for us to see fruit in our family life, despite ourselves. And that devotional? We have it at the breakfast table.
Not having a husband and Father in law on board for the family dinner thing has been endlessly annoying to me. That being said- we actually HAVE family dinners more often than not. It's just that I can never "count on" the fact that it is a priority for each family member, each day of the week. It seemed like everytime we got into a trend of three or so family dinners in a week, I would get excited and start plotting ways to add a family devotional or something in my mind, and then get thoroughly disappointed when the next supper found us all eating in different parts of the house as we worked on various projects. Rather than lament, I placed these frustrations squarely in the hands of the Lord, who opened my eyes to something amazing this morning.
When we first moved in here, I was endlessly irritated at my Father in Law for his morning habits. First, because he seems to set his alarm for the minute that I have tons of stuff to do in the kitchen and then we have to dance around each other getting in each other's way, and second because he seems to be intent on asking us if he can make us something and then resenting the fact that we don't thank him perpetually for all his good deeds all the time, which make us more likely to just
say "forget it!"
Case in point, the great Bacon fiasco of 2009, where he made a HUGE deal out of making sure everyone in the house got bacon for a week straight. The kids, who had never had bacon before got super excited about the very thought of bacon with all the enthusiasm with which he would describe it, and everymorning he would race through the halls going: "Bacon! Bacon's on the table for everybody! Who wants bacon??"
Then one day he was like... "Hey, well you guys are eating bacon every day. The kids REALLY like it. Maybe you could chip in." Seriously?
Add to that the fact that neither myself nor my husband are morning people--- and that we normally eat like, a breakfast bar and a cup of tea (including the kids) and it was like hell on earth for us getting up in the mornings--- where we were accosted by his good mood and his glee over the huge breakfast he had made us and how much energy it was going to give us.
Fast forward a few months and I began to notice that we DID have a lot of energy for the day when we ate a good breakfast. And then, as our appreciation for our Scottish/Irish heritage grew in proportion to the kilts we accumulated (Haha) I began to develop an appreciation for traditional country breakfasts, which are based largely on traditional Scottish and Irish breakfasts. I started praying about ways to incorporate his dad's morning methods with our own and we finally worked out a system in which there was limited "kitchen dancing" going on and more goal orientation.
Nowadays, breakfast is like a well-oiled machine. He makes the coffee and bacon, I make the eggs, tea, oatmeal, fruit and toast. If someone wants grits, they know Grandpa's the expert. When Saturday's roll around, I make the pancakes or waffles. And Grandpa makes us his special biscuits and gravy once a month. Everyone wakes up cheerier now that we know what to expect and the kids, I have to say, eat more at breakfast than any other meal.
We all sit together every morning and we talk naturally, optimistically and openly about the day ahead instead of with resignation and frustration about the day that's past. And honestly? It's a glorious time. And we laugh-- because morning is always a little slow and silly.
I guess it took a change in attitude and a desire to make it work for us to see fruit in our family life, despite ourselves. And that devotional? We have it at the breakfast table.
Monday, January 4, 2010
The night from hell.
Since everyone on FB and Twitter seems to want to know why this day is so rough and I need prayer, I have to explain my night. :P
Previous to last night, we have been having a terrible time with getting my oldest to sleep. She had her binky taken away in November, and ever since then it has been a huge struggle to get her to sleep AT ALL. What little sleep she does get is catch up sleep and it happens only after she completely collapses from exhaustion. Not sleeping affects every aspect of her personality and she has become almost impossible-- it has taken every ounce of patience and strength in me to deal with the resulting behavioral issues, and despite trying everything in the book, I still do not have a sleep solution that works other than physically lying down next to her and ensuring she keeps her eyes closed and her body still until she passes out.
So, the night before last she was particularly challenging and wouldn't go to sleep until almost midnight.
Because of that I was utterly exhausted-- it was my third night in a row going to bed at midnight and from 7-midnight is the only chunk of sleep the baby takes before waking up every 1 1/2 to 2 hrs for morning clusterfeeding that lasts til 7ish. needless to say, I NEED my daughter to go to bed by 8 at the latest, or I am a wreck the following day.
So having had barely any sleep at all the night before (less than two hours for the third night in a row!)I decided to go to bed as soon as the kids were asleep.
Of course, this ended up being the night that not only would my oldest not sleep but that my two year old decided to start copying her and that the baby selected to just stay up. She's been nursing round the clock for a few days so I just figured "well... I will take her to bed with me."
Of course, everytime I lay down with her, she wailed-- all she wanted was to be held upright and nursed. Probably, she has a variation of the cold I caught from my two-year old.... which has me totally laid out.
So there I was wishing i could go to sleep and instead every five minutes or so one of my kids were trying to keep from sleeping for various reasons. Finally, the other two got settled and then the baby decides she will wake up for an hour or so. Resigned, I decide to sit on the couch and hold her while watching tree monster movies on Sy Fy with the father in law.
That's when the baby finally fell asleep. I went to bed and was awakened virtually every hour by one after another kid.People were hot, they were cold, they were scared, they were thirsty. We basically played musical beds until about 3:30 when I decided I couldn't take the interrupted sleep any longer and took everyone to sleep on the floor with me in the living room. When the middle child
was awakened from an uncomfortable sleep I put him back in his crib. I came back to bed on the living room floor with the baby only to be awakened nearly as soon as I fell back asleep again by a COCKROACH which was scampering on my arm... one that had crawled in on the wood we are using to heat the house. I told you, cockroaches are Satan's minions. Having smashed it and totally grossed myself out, I tried to go back to sleep.
At around 4:30 or so, I heard a blood curdling wail from the kids' room. I ran in there, nearly severing my nipple that the baby had a death grip on, and found my son in his crib, drenched, and my daughter in his crib, guiltily holding an empty bottle of holy water. I found out later that he had been -- as per a scary dream she had had--- "turning into a seal again" so she thought she would give him a holy water bath. While he was sleeping.
This was one of those moments that will be hilarious with time, but in the moment I was beside myself with frustration, exhaustion, and anger. Needless to say, the kids were awake from then on.
A terrible migraine ensued (from the cold and lack of sleep, I imagine) and the day, indeed, looked bleak... prompting me to ask for prayer.Especially since my husband had to be gone all day!
And that, my friends, is the story of the night from hell.
I seem to have these a little too often. There HAS to be a way to make the older kids sleep!! When I was a kid, you couldn't get me OUT of my bed. What is with my children??
Previous to last night, we have been having a terrible time with getting my oldest to sleep. She had her binky taken away in November, and ever since then it has been a huge struggle to get her to sleep AT ALL. What little sleep she does get is catch up sleep and it happens only after she completely collapses from exhaustion. Not sleeping affects every aspect of her personality and she has become almost impossible-- it has taken every ounce of patience and strength in me to deal with the resulting behavioral issues, and despite trying everything in the book, I still do not have a sleep solution that works other than physically lying down next to her and ensuring she keeps her eyes closed and her body still until she passes out.
So, the night before last she was particularly challenging and wouldn't go to sleep until almost midnight.
Because of that I was utterly exhausted-- it was my third night in a row going to bed at midnight and from 7-midnight is the only chunk of sleep the baby takes before waking up every 1 1/2 to 2 hrs for morning clusterfeeding that lasts til 7ish. needless to say, I NEED my daughter to go to bed by 8 at the latest, or I am a wreck the following day.
So having had barely any sleep at all the night before (less than two hours for the third night in a row!)I decided to go to bed as soon as the kids were asleep.
Of course, this ended up being the night that not only would my oldest not sleep but that my two year old decided to start copying her and that the baby selected to just stay up. She's been nursing round the clock for a few days so I just figured "well... I will take her to bed with me."
Of course, everytime I lay down with her, she wailed-- all she wanted was to be held upright and nursed. Probably, she has a variation of the cold I caught from my two-year old.... which has me totally laid out.
So there I was wishing i could go to sleep and instead every five minutes or so one of my kids were trying to keep from sleeping for various reasons. Finally, the other two got settled and then the baby decides she will wake up for an hour or so. Resigned, I decide to sit on the couch and hold her while watching tree monster movies on Sy Fy with the father in law.
That's when the baby finally fell asleep. I went to bed and was awakened virtually every hour by one after another kid.People were hot, they were cold, they were scared, they were thirsty. We basically played musical beds until about 3:30 when I decided I couldn't take the interrupted sleep any longer and took everyone to sleep on the floor with me in the living room. When the middle child
was awakened from an uncomfortable sleep I put him back in his crib. I came back to bed on the living room floor with the baby only to be awakened nearly as soon as I fell back asleep again by a COCKROACH which was scampering on my arm... one that had crawled in on the wood we are using to heat the house. I told you, cockroaches are Satan's minions. Having smashed it and totally grossed myself out, I tried to go back to sleep.
At around 4:30 or so, I heard a blood curdling wail from the kids' room. I ran in there, nearly severing my nipple that the baby had a death grip on, and found my son in his crib, drenched, and my daughter in his crib, guiltily holding an empty bottle of holy water. I found out later that he had been -- as per a scary dream she had had--- "turning into a seal again" so she thought she would give him a holy water bath. While he was sleeping.
This was one of those moments that will be hilarious with time, but in the moment I was beside myself with frustration, exhaustion, and anger. Needless to say, the kids were awake from then on.
A terrible migraine ensued (from the cold and lack of sleep, I imagine) and the day, indeed, looked bleak... prompting me to ask for prayer.Especially since my husband had to be gone all day!
And that, my friends, is the story of the night from hell.
I seem to have these a little too often. There HAS to be a way to make the older kids sleep!! When I was a kid, you couldn't get me OUT of my bed. What is with my children??
Friday, January 1, 2010
The Annual Blog Roundup for 2009
The new year is here! So here is the best and worst of 2009-- the end of a decade!
Best Memory
I have begun (Finally) to settle into an understanding of what makes Fayetteville so special. It's not the place. It's the people. There are some incredible people here. Most of my best memories happened towards the end of the year, as we grew closer to our new Priest, as we celebrated life (feasts, birthdays, holidays etc) with those we have grown to know and love in our Church family. Some of these people have become like literal family to us-- just amazing to me how blessed we have been. There have been many holidays and weekends lately where we just look around and think : "THIS. This is perfect." My other best memory is of watching my husband come home from enrolling in his first college classes. This was a glorious moment-- a big, big moment. I am so proud of him. Add to that the moment he came home with his incredible grades from his first semester. Yeah!
Obviously we have had lots of fun with the kids... but that goes without saying. My memories of weekends and holidays and family/friend dinners this year and lazy days spent with loved ones have all melded into one giant feeling of down home, happy, beautiful living.
Worst Memory
Not being able to bring my new baby home. That was the worst. The poor reactions I had to my challenges towards the end of the year with regards to our big move and the change in lifestyle. And definitely the moment I realized that my daughter was just out of control.
Funniest Moment
Can't think of anything other than enjoying many a laugh with loved ones.
Biggest Surprise
Well, first that the baby wasn't healthy when she was born. That really threw me for a loop. But also, I think the biggest surprise was that it took me THREE children to even put a dent in my selfishness-- that it took me three kids to learn how to relax into parenting.
Song of the Year
No music has really moved me this year. It's been a year marked by silence, and that's on purpose.
Movie of the Year
Well, the only two movies I saw this year were Paranormal Activity and the Princess and the Frog. So by default, Paranormal Activity. :P
Website of the Year
I finally got mine fixed. So mine :P
I spent most of my time reading OCDS sites this year. They are all amazing and I couldnt pick just one.
Most awesome FOs
I'm sorry to say I can't remember a single one. That's what happens when you have three kids three and under.
Most ridiculous WIPs
Dominic's Kilt Hose. I've been working on them for months and then they keep getting wrecked by the kids.
Best Forum Debate
I tried to stay away from these this year, but had a few interesting ones on PRS, happy housewives, and as always-- Ravelry. Ravelry drives me insane... but darn it, I love those stinking patterns. :P
Most incredible Kingdom Advances
Ironically, I don't feel comfortable using this term anymore and think I will be changing it next year. For me, it was the realization of the powerful family life we have in the love of the Saints.
Biggest disappointment
I'm disappointed in my body. I'm frustrated about the difficult changes that have come both internally and externally from this latest pregnancy.
Best Adventure
Uh... what adventures. All our adventures this year were in the backyard. :(
Looking forward
this is last year's blog entry:
Last year I prophesied that 2008 would be a year of renewal... "We will have our vision restored, our hearts turned towards God afresh, and a new annointing to complete the tasks He puts before us." (you can read last year's roundup here: http://stitchlove.blogspot.com/2007/12/annual-roundup.html) When I reread that this year, I kinda wanted to jump up and say "BINGO!" That's exactly what 2008 was for us. We renewed our vows to make this family work, we renewed our commitment to Christ and gained fresh vision for our family that helped us to accomplish a lot of our goals as a family. As I pursue the Lord for a vision for next year, the word He keeps giving me is "wait and see." I think 2009 is going to be a year of building on that vision and especially of experiencing the "goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 122)
I don't make new year's resolutions anymore because the secular new year doesn't speak to me as much as the liturgical seasons, but if I were going to make one, it would be this:
In 2009, I want to be Holy---
Contemplative, and conquered by Christ, just like Mary.
Amazing to me that I could have been so right on!!It feels amazing to me that it would be exactly that... I experienced the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I couldn't believe what pure joy I have experienced in the last year, when the trials got so bad I thought I was going to lose it-- there was always some perfect- and I mean PERFECT -- moment right behind it to show me that the suffering produces fruit. These moments built faith, hope, and love in me and I can't express my amazement at God's presence.
Thank you, God, for clear vision! Next year, 2010, I feel like God is telling me that it will be a year of promise- one in which I will begin to see the fruit of the pursuit of His sacred heart, and one in which, although marked by periods of driness, we will drink of the stream of living water.
Happy 2010, y'all. Blessings on your house!
Best Memory
I have begun (Finally) to settle into an understanding of what makes Fayetteville so special. It's not the place. It's the people. There are some incredible people here. Most of my best memories happened towards the end of the year, as we grew closer to our new Priest, as we celebrated life (feasts, birthdays, holidays etc) with those we have grown to know and love in our Church family. Some of these people have become like literal family to us-- just amazing to me how blessed we have been. There have been many holidays and weekends lately where we just look around and think : "THIS. This is perfect." My other best memory is of watching my husband come home from enrolling in his first college classes. This was a glorious moment-- a big, big moment. I am so proud of him. Add to that the moment he came home with his incredible grades from his first semester. Yeah!
Obviously we have had lots of fun with the kids... but that goes without saying. My memories of weekends and holidays and family/friend dinners this year and lazy days spent with loved ones have all melded into one giant feeling of down home, happy, beautiful living.
Worst Memory
Not being able to bring my new baby home. That was the worst. The poor reactions I had to my challenges towards the end of the year with regards to our big move and the change in lifestyle. And definitely the moment I realized that my daughter was just out of control.
Funniest Moment
Can't think of anything other than enjoying many a laugh with loved ones.
Biggest Surprise
Well, first that the baby wasn't healthy when she was born. That really threw me for a loop. But also, I think the biggest surprise was that it took me THREE children to even put a dent in my selfishness-- that it took me three kids to learn how to relax into parenting.
Song of the Year
No music has really moved me this year. It's been a year marked by silence, and that's on purpose.
Movie of the Year
Well, the only two movies I saw this year were Paranormal Activity and the Princess and the Frog. So by default, Paranormal Activity. :P
Website of the Year
I finally got mine fixed. So mine :P
I spent most of my time reading OCDS sites this year. They are all amazing and I couldnt pick just one.
Most awesome FOs
I'm sorry to say I can't remember a single one. That's what happens when you have three kids three and under.
Most ridiculous WIPs
Dominic's Kilt Hose. I've been working on them for months and then they keep getting wrecked by the kids.
Best Forum Debate
I tried to stay away from these this year, but had a few interesting ones on PRS, happy housewives, and as always-- Ravelry. Ravelry drives me insane... but darn it, I love those stinking patterns. :P
Most incredible Kingdom Advances
Ironically, I don't feel comfortable using this term anymore and think I will be changing it next year. For me, it was the realization of the powerful family life we have in the love of the Saints.
Biggest disappointment
I'm disappointed in my body. I'm frustrated about the difficult changes that have come both internally and externally from this latest pregnancy.
Best Adventure
Uh... what adventures. All our adventures this year were in the backyard. :(
Looking forward
this is last year's blog entry:
Last year I prophesied that 2008 would be a year of renewal... "We will have our vision restored, our hearts turned towards God afresh, and a new annointing to complete the tasks He puts before us." (you can read last year's roundup here: http://stitchlove.blogspot.com/2007/12/annual-roundup.html) When I reread that this year, I kinda wanted to jump up and say "BINGO!" That's exactly what 2008 was for us. We renewed our vows to make this family work, we renewed our commitment to Christ and gained fresh vision for our family that helped us to accomplish a lot of our goals as a family. As I pursue the Lord for a vision for next year, the word He keeps giving me is "wait and see." I think 2009 is going to be a year of building on that vision and especially of experiencing the "goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 122)
I don't make new year's resolutions anymore because the secular new year doesn't speak to me as much as the liturgical seasons, but if I were going to make one, it would be this:
In 2009, I want to be Holy---
Contemplative, and conquered by Christ, just like Mary.
Amazing to me that I could have been so right on!!It feels amazing to me that it would be exactly that... I experienced the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I couldn't believe what pure joy I have experienced in the last year, when the trials got so bad I thought I was going to lose it-- there was always some perfect- and I mean PERFECT -- moment right behind it to show me that the suffering produces fruit. These moments built faith, hope, and love in me and I can't express my amazement at God's presence.
Thank you, God, for clear vision! Next year, 2010, I feel like God is telling me that it will be a year of promise- one in which I will begin to see the fruit of the pursuit of His sacred heart, and one in which, although marked by periods of driness, we will drink of the stream of living water.
Happy 2010, y'all. Blessings on your house!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Prayers to St Brighid of Kildare
Since prayers to this incredible Saint who seems to have found a place in my heart despite myself are rare, I thought I would put a compilation of them on my blog to encourage devotion to her. She has absolutely blown me away with her personal care of my soul-- bringing me at every turn to the Cross of Christ and giving me faith, hope and love in abundance:
An Bheannacht --The Blessing
[Irish] In ainm an Athar agus
an Mhic agus an Spioraid Naoimh. Áméin.
[Phonetically] in on-im on ah-her
ah-gus on vick ah-gus on sprid nave. áiméin
[English] In the name of the Father and
of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
--------------
May God bless you, child.
I put you under the protections of Mary and her Son.
Under the care of Brigid and her cloak.
And under the shelter of God tonight.
---------------
St Brigid, Mary of Ireland
Ask for us all today
The courage to do God's bidding
Whatever the world may say
The grace to be strong and valiant
The grace to be firm and true
The grace to be faithful always
To God, God's mother and you.
---------
"May Brigid bless the house wherein you dwell. Bless every fireside, every wall and door. Bless every heart that beats beneath its roof. Bless every hand that toils to bring it joy. Bless every foot that walks its portals through. May Brigid bless the house that shelters you."
--------
Brigid,
You were a woman of peace.
You brought harmony where there was conflict.
You brought light to the darkness.
You brought hope to the downcast.
May the mantle of your peace cover those who are troubled
or anxious, and may peace be
firmly rooted in our hearts
and in our world.
Inspire us to act justly and to reverence all God has made.
Brigid you were a voice for the wounded and the weary.
Strengthen what is weak within us. Calm us into a quietness
that heals and listens.
May we grow each day into greater wholeness in mind,
body and spirit. Amen
----------
Everliving God, we rejoice today in the fellowship of thy Blessed servant Brigid, and we give thee thanks for her life of devoted service. Inspire us with life and light, and give us perseverance to serve thee all our days; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who with thee and the Holy Spirit liveth and reigneth, one God, world without end.
O God, whose blessed Son became poor that we through his
poverty might be rich: Deliver us from an inordinate love of
this world, that, following the example of thy servant Bridget,
we may serve thee with singleness of heart, and attain to the
riches of the world to come; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who
liveth and reigneth with thee in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, now and for ever.
-------------
I will build the hearth,
As Mary would build it.
The encompassment of Bride and of Mary,
Guarding the hearth, guarding the floor,
Guarding the household of all.
-------------
Beloved Father, just before Saint Brigid was born, her Christian mother was sold to a Druid landowner. Even though she grew up oppressed as a slave, she found great joy in loving You. As the patron saint of babies, she has a special concern for the gift of new life, so I ask her to pray for the babies in my family, both born and unborn. May they grow up with Jesus and obtain the joy of knowing Him. I place into Your loving hands, Father, all the babies who died prematurely, through abortion, miscarriage or medical conditions. Ask them, Lord, to intercede for me and my family. Saint Brigid, pray for us. Amen.
---------
Lord God, you gave St Brigid as patroness over nuns and young children. I ask therefore that through her intercession, by which an entire nation under bondage of darkness was made yours and turned to a beacon of light for all mankind,you would help all of us who are called to a vocation of both religious life and parenthood. Strengthen us to carry out our calling to live as salt and light in the earth. Give us wisdom to teach, guide and care for the souls of the children we have been given, both physical and spiritual, and help us, by the example of Brigid, to live Holy lives that are pleasing to You. Grant us the grace of contagious faith, through which we hope to persevere in love for the salvation of souls. Lord, you gave us in her an example of a woman who was zealous, powerful and heroic, all the while remaining submitted to the authorities you placed over her. Grant that we might love you more and more and that through her prayers, our lives would be changed. We ask this in the name of Jesus, the Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, One God, for ever and ever. Amen.
-----------
And lastly, there are the fifteen prayers of St Bridget. These are actually prayers that have nothing to do with Brigid of Kildare, but rather with Bridget of Sweden, but since so many people confuse the two saints I am quite certain that where these fifteen prayers are said in honor of Brigid of Kildare and in reparation for Christ's wounds, she and He both hear. :) So, here they are:
THE FIFTEEN PRAYERS
OF SAINT BRIDGET.
1 st Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! You have proved
that You have no greater desire than to be among men,
even assuming human nature
at the fullness of time for the love of men.
I recall all the sufferings of Your life especially Your Passion.
I remember, O Lord,
that during the Last Supper with Your disciples,
having washed their feet,
You gave them Your Most Precious Body and Blood,
and, while consoling them,
You foretold Your coming Passion.
I remember the sadness and bitterness
which You experienced in Your Soul as You said,
"My Soul is sorrowful even unto death."
I remember all the fear,
anguish and pain that You did suffer
in Your delicate Body before the torment of the Crucifixion,
when, after having prayed three times,
bathed in a sweat of blood,
You were betrayed by Judas,
arrested by the people of a nation You had chosen and elevated,
accused by false witnesses
and unjustly judged by three judges.
I remember that You were despoiled of Your garments
and clothed in those of derision,
that Your Face and Eyes were covered,
that You were beaten,
crowned with thorns,
a reed placed in Your Hands,
that You were crushed with blows
and overwhelmed with insults and outrages.
In memory of all these pains and sufferings
which You endured before Your Passion on the Cross,
grant me before my death a true contrition,
a sincere and entire confession,
worthy satisfaction
and the remission of all my sins.
Amen.
2 nd Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember the horror and sadness
which You endured when Your enemies surrounded You,
and by thousands of insults, spits, blows, lacerations
and other unheard of cruelties tormented You.
In consideration of these torments and insulting words,
I beg You to deliver me from all my enemies,
visible and invisible,
and to bring me,
under Your protection,
to the perfection of eternal salvation.
Amen.
3 rd Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember the very bitter pain
You did suffer when the executioners
nailed Your Sacred Hands and Feet to the Cross
by blow after blow with big blunt nails,
and, not finding You in a sad enough state,
to satisfy their cruelty they enlarged Your Wounds,
and added pain to pain,
stretching Your Body on the Cross
and dislocated Your Bones by pulling Them on all sides.
I beg of You by the memory
of this most loving suffering of the Cross
to grant me the grace to love You.
Amen.
4 th Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I Remember the bruises You suffered
and the weakness of Your Body,
which was distended to such a degree
that never was there pain like Yours.
From the crown of Your Head to the soles of Your Feet
there was not one spot on Your Body which was not in torment.
Yet, for getting all Your sufferings,
You did not cease to pray
to Your Heavenly Father for Your enemies, saying:
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
Through this great mercy and in memory of this suffering,
grant that the remembrance of Your most bitter Passion
may effect in us a perfect contrition
and the remission of all our sins.
Amen.
5 th Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember the sadness which You experienced when,
foreseeing those who would be damned for their sins,
You suffered bitterly over these hopeless,
lost and unfortunate sinners.
Through this abyss of compassion and pity
and especially through the goodness
which You displayed to the good thief when You said to him,
"This day you will be with Me in Paradise,"
I beg of You that at the hour of my death to show me mercy.
Amen.
6 th Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember the grief which You suffered when,
like a common criminal,
You were raised and fastened to the Cross,
when all Your relatives and friends abandoned You,
except Your Beloved Mother who remained close to You during Your agony
and Whom You entrusted to Your faithful disciple when You said,
"Woman, behold Your son. Son behold your Mother. "
I beg You by the sword of sorrow
which pierced the soul of Your Holy Mother,
to have compassion on me in all my afflictions and tribulations,
both of body and spirit,
and to assist me in all my trials
and especially at the hour of my death.
Amen.
7 th Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember Your profound gesture of love
from the Cross when You said, "I thirst,"
and Your suffering from the thirst
for the salvation of the human race.
I beg You to inflame in our hearts
the desire to tend toward perfection in all our actions
and to extinguish in us all wordly desires.
Amen.
8 th Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember the bitterness of the gall and vinegar
which You tasted on the Cross for love of us.
Grant us the grace to receive worthily
Your Precious Body and Blood
during our life and at the hour of our death
that It may be a remedy of consolation for our souls.
Amen.
9 th Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember the pain You endured when,
immersed in an ocean of bitterness at the approach of death,
insulted, outraged by the people,
You cried out in a loud voice
that You were abandoned by Your Father, saying:
"My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?"
Through this anguish I beg You
not to abandon me in the terrors and pains of my death.
Amen.
10 th Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember that for our sakes
You were immersed into an abyss of suffering.
In consideration of the enormity of Your Wounds,
teach me to keep,
through pure love,
Your Commandments,
which are a wide and easy path for those who love You.
Amen.
11 th Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember Your Wounds
which penetrated to the very marrow of Your Bones
and to the depth of Your Being.
Draw me away from sin and hide me in Your Wounds.
Amen.
12 th Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember the multitude of Wounds
which afflicted You from Head to Foot,
torn and reddened by the spilling of Your Precious Blood.
O great and universal pain
which You suffered in Your Flesh for love of us!
What is there You could have done for us
which You have not done?
May the fruit of Your sufferings be renewed in my soul
by the faithful remembrance of Your Passion
and may Your love increase in my heart each day
until I see You in eternity,
You Who are the treasury of every real good and joy,
which I beg You to grant me in Heaven.
Amen.
13 rd Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember the pain You endured
when all Your strength,
both moral and physical,
was entirely exhausted;
You bowed Your Head, saying:
"It is consummated."
Through this anguish and grief,
I beg You to have mercy on me at the hour of my death,
when my mind will be greatly troubled
and my soul will be in anguish.
Amen.
14 th Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember the simple
and humble recommendation You made of Your Soul
to Your Eternal Father, saying,
"Father, into Your Hands I commend My Spirit,"
and when, Your Body all torn and Your Heart broken, You expired.
By this precious death,
I beg You to comfort me and give me help to resist the devil,
the flesh and the world, so that,
being dead to the world,
I may live for You alone.
I beg of You at the hour of my death to receive me.
Amen.
15 th Prayer
Say one "Our Father..."
Say one "Hail Mary..."
O Jesus! I remember the abundant outpouring of Blood which You shed.
From Your Side, pierced with a lance by a soldier,
Blood and Water poured forth
until there was not left in Your Body a single Drop;
and finally the very substance of Your Body withered
and the marrow of Your Bones dried up.
Through this bitter Passion
and through the outpouring of Your Precious Blood,
I beg You to pierce my heart
so that my tears of penance and love
may be my bread day and night.
May I be entirely converted to You;
may my heart be Your perpetual resting place;
may my conversation be pleasing to You;
and may the end of my life be so praiseworthy that
I may merit Heaven
and there with Your saints praise You forever.
Amen.
The fifteen prayers were taught by Jesus to Saint Bridget. He said to her,
I received 5,480 wounds on My Body during My Passion.
If you wish to honor each of them in some way
pray the following prayers each day for a whole year.
When the year is over, you will have honored each one of My Wounds.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Monday's motherhood moment
In this case, I think actions speak louder than words. So here are some of the children at the latest Clan gathering:
Angela titled this, appropriately, "must be doing something right." May it be so, Lord! Theres nothing more amazing than seeing our little ones on their knees before You.
Angela titled this, appropriately, "must be doing something right." May it be so, Lord! Theres nothing more amazing than seeing our little ones on their knees before You.
John of the Cross: Counsels to Religious
Counsels to a Religious
By St. John of the Cross
From: THE COLLECTED WORKS OF ST. JOHN OF THE CROSS, translated by Kieran Kavanaugh, OCD, and Otilio Rodriguez, OCD, revised edition (1991).
Copyright 1991 ICS Publications. Permission is hereby granted for any non-commercial use, if this copyright notice is included.
Introduction To The Counsels To A Religious
These Counsels written for a friar are similar in content and tone to the previous precautions. This fact suggests they were composed about the same time. If they differ from the Precautions in any way it is mainly in their not adhering to the fixed structure of that work. The copy that editors find most reliable was made from an ancient manuscript that had been conserved by the Carmelite nuns in Bujalance. Appearing in the manuscript after these Counsels are the Degrees of Perfection, which editors often placed among John's Sayings. The tendency now is to leave them here since they seem destined for the same friar.
Counsels To A Religious On How To Reach Perfection
Jesus Mariae filius
1. Your holy Charity1 with few words asked me for a great deal. An answer would require much time and paper. Seeing, then, that I lack both of these, I will try to be concise and jot down only certain points and counsels that in sum will contain much, so that whoever observes them perfectly will attain a high degree of perfection. The one who wishes to be a true religious and fulfill the promises of the profession that was made to God, advance in virtue, and enjoy the consolations and the delight of the Holy Spirit, will be unable to do so without trying to practice with the greatest diligence the four following counsels concerning resignation, mortification, the practice of virtue, and bodily and spiritual solitude.
2. In order to practice the first counsel, concerning resignation, you should live in the monastery as though no one else were in it. And thus you should never, by word or by thought, meddle in things that happen in the community, nor with individuals in it, desiring not to notice their good or bad qualities or their conduct. And in order to preserve your tranquility of soul, even if the whole world crumbles you should not desire to advert to these things or interfere, remembering Lot's wife who was changed into hard stone because she turned her head to look at those who in the midst of much clamor and noise were perishing [Gn. 19:26]. You should practice this with great fortitude, for you will thereby free yourself from many sins and imperfections and guard the tranquility and quietude of your soul with much profit before God and others. Ponder this often, because it is so important that, for not observing it, many religious not only failed to improve through their other works of virtue and religious observance, but ever slipped back from bad to worse.
3. To practice the second counsel, which concerns mortification, and profit by it, you should engrave this truth on your heart. And it is that you have not come to the monastery for any other reason than to be worked and tried in virtue; you are like the stone that must be chiseled and fashioned before being set in the building. Thus you should understand that those who are in the monastery are craftsmen placed there by God to mortify you by working and chiseling at you. Some will chisel with words, telling you what you would rather not hear; others by deed, doing against you what you would rather not endure; others by their temperament, being in their person and in their actions a bother and annoyance to you; and others by their thoughts, neither esteeming nor feeling love for you. You ought to suffer these mortifications and annoyances with inner patience, being silent for love of God and understanding that you did not enter the religious life for any other reason than for others to work you in this way, and so you become worthy of heaven. If this was not your reason for entering the religious state, you should not have done so, but should have remained in the world to seek your comfort, honor, reputation, and ease.
4. The second counsel is wholly necessary for religious so they may fulfill the obligations of their state and find genuine humility, inward quietude, and joy in the Holy Spirit. If you do not practice this, you will know neither how to be a religious nor even why you came to the religious life. Neither will you know how to seek Christ (but only yourself), or find peace of soul, or avoid sinning and often feeling troubled. Trials will never be lacking in religious life, nor does God want them to be. Since he brings souls there to be proved and purified, like gold, with hammer and the fire [Ecclus. 2:5], it is fitting that they encounter trials and temptations from human beings and from devils, and the fire of anguish and affliction.2 The religious must undergo these trials and should endeavor to bear them patiently and in conformity to God's will, and not so sustain them that instead of being approved by God in this affliction he be reproved for not having wanted to carry the cross of Christ in patience. Since many religious do not understand that they have entered religious life to carry Christ's cross, they do not get along well with others. At the time of reckoning they will find themselves greatly confused and frustrated.
5. To practice the third counsel, which concerns the practice of virtue, you should be constant in your religious observance and in obedience without any concern for the world, but only for God. In order to achieve this and avoid being deceived, you should never set your eyes on the satisfaction or dissatisfaction of the work at hand as a motive for doing it or failing to do it, but on doing it for God. Thus you must undertake all things, agreeable or disagreeable, for the sole purpose of pleasing God through them.
6. To do this with fortitude and constancy and acquire the virtues quickly, you should take care always to be inclined to the difficult more than to the easy, to the rugged more than to the soft, to the hard and distasteful in a work more than to its delightful and pleasant aspects; and do not go about choosing what is less a cross, for the cross is a light burden [Mt. 11:30]. The heavier a burden is, the lighter it becomes when borne for Christ. You should try, too, by taking the lowest place always, that in things bringing comfort to your brothers in religion they be preferred to you. This you should do wholeheartedly, for it is the way to becoming greater in spiritual things, as God tells us in his Gospel: Qui se humiliaverit exaltabitur3 [Mt. 23:12].
7. To practice the fourth counsel, which concerns solitude, you should deem everything in the world as finished. Thus, when (for not being able to avoid it) you have to deal with some matter, do so in as detached a way as you would if it did not exist.
8. Pay no heed to the things out in the world, for God has already withdrawn and released you from them. Do not handle any business yourself that you can do through a third person. It is very fitting for you to desire to see no one and that no one see you. And note carefully that if God will ask a strict account from all the faithful of every idle word, how much more will he ask it of religious who have consecrated all their life and works to him. And God will demand all of this on the day of reckoning.
9. I do not mean here that you fail to fulfill the duties of your state with all necessary and possible care, and any others that obedience commands, but that you execute your tasks in such a way that no fault is committed; for neither God nor obedience wants you to commit a fault. You should consequently strive to be incessant in prayer, and in the midst of your corporal practices do not abandon it. Whether you eat, or drink, or speak, or converse with lay people, or do anything else, you should always do so with desire for God and with your heart fixed on him. This is very necessary for inner solitude, which demands that the soul dismiss any thought that is not directed to God. And in forgetfulness of all the things that are and happen in this short and miserable life, do not desire to know anything in any way except how better to serve God and keep the observance of your institute.
10. If your Charity observes these four counsels with care, you will reach perfection in a very short time. These counsels are so interdependent that if you are lacking in one of them, you will begin to lose the profit and gain you have from practicing the others.
Degrees Of Perfection
1. Do not commit a sin for all there is in the world, or any deliberate venial sin, or any known imperfection.
2. Endeavor to remain always in the presence of God, either real, imaginative, or unitive insofar as is permitted by your works.
3. Neither do anything nor say any notable word that Christ would not have done or said were he in the state I am, as old as I, and with the same kind of health.
4. Strive for the greater honor and glory of God in all things.
5. Do not omit mental prayer for any occupation, for it is the sustenance of your soul.
6. Do not omit examination of conscience because of any of your occupations, and for every fault do some penance.
7. Be deeply sorry for any time that is lost or that passes without your loving God. 8. In all things, both high and low, let God be your goal, for in no other way will you grow in merit and perfection.
9. Never give up prayer, and should you find dryness and difficulty, persevere in it for this very reason. God often desires to see what love your soul has, and love is not tried by ease and satisfaction.
10. In heaven and on earth, always the lowest and last place and office.
11. Never interfere in what you are not ordered to do, or be obstinate about anything, even though you may be right. And if, as the saying goes, they give you an inch, do not take a mile. Some deceive themselves in such matters and think they have an obligation to do that which - if they reflect upon it well - in no way obliges them.
12. Pay no attention to the affairs of others, whether they be good or bad, for besides the danger of sin, this is a cause of distractions and lack of spirit.
13. Strive always to confess your sins with a deep knowledge of your own wretchedness and with clarity and purity.
14. Even though your obligations and duties are difficult and disagreeable to you, you should not become dismayed, for this will not always be so. And God, who proves the soul by a precept under the guise of a trial [Ps.94:20], will after a time accord it the experience of blessing and gain.
15. Remember always that everything that happens to you, whether prosperous or adverse, comes from God, so that you become neither puffed up in prosperity nor discouraged in adversity.
16. Remember always that you came here for no other reason than to be a saint; thus let nothing reign in your soul that does not lead you to sanctity.
17. Always be more disposed toward giving to others than giving to yourself, and thus you will not be envious of or selfish toward your neighbor. This is to be understood from the viewpoint of perfection, for God is angered with those who do not give precedence to his good pleasure over that of humans.
Soli Deo honor et gloria.
Copyright ICS Publications. Permission is hereby granted for any non-commercial use, if this copyright notice is included. Maintained by the Austrian Province of the Teresian Carmel
By St. John of the Cross
From: THE COLLECTED WORKS OF ST. JOHN OF THE CROSS, translated by Kieran Kavanaugh, OCD, and Otilio Rodriguez, OCD, revised edition (1991).
Copyright 1991 ICS Publications. Permission is hereby granted for any non-commercial use, if this copyright notice is included.
Introduction To The Counsels To A Religious
These Counsels written for a friar are similar in content and tone to the previous precautions. This fact suggests they were composed about the same time. If they differ from the Precautions in any way it is mainly in their not adhering to the fixed structure of that work. The copy that editors find most reliable was made from an ancient manuscript that had been conserved by the Carmelite nuns in Bujalance. Appearing in the manuscript after these Counsels are the Degrees of Perfection, which editors often placed among John's Sayings. The tendency now is to leave them here since they seem destined for the same friar.
Counsels To A Religious On How To Reach Perfection
Jesus Mariae filius
1. Your holy Charity1 with few words asked me for a great deal. An answer would require much time and paper. Seeing, then, that I lack both of these, I will try to be concise and jot down only certain points and counsels that in sum will contain much, so that whoever observes them perfectly will attain a high degree of perfection. The one who wishes to be a true religious and fulfill the promises of the profession that was made to God, advance in virtue, and enjoy the consolations and the delight of the Holy Spirit, will be unable to do so without trying to practice with the greatest diligence the four following counsels concerning resignation, mortification, the practice of virtue, and bodily and spiritual solitude.
2. In order to practice the first counsel, concerning resignation, you should live in the monastery as though no one else were in it. And thus you should never, by word or by thought, meddle in things that happen in the community, nor with individuals in it, desiring not to notice their good or bad qualities or their conduct. And in order to preserve your tranquility of soul, even if the whole world crumbles you should not desire to advert to these things or interfere, remembering Lot's wife who was changed into hard stone because she turned her head to look at those who in the midst of much clamor and noise were perishing [Gn. 19:26]. You should practice this with great fortitude, for you will thereby free yourself from many sins and imperfections and guard the tranquility and quietude of your soul with much profit before God and others. Ponder this often, because it is so important that, for not observing it, many religious not only failed to improve through their other works of virtue and religious observance, but ever slipped back from bad to worse.
3. To practice the second counsel, which concerns mortification, and profit by it, you should engrave this truth on your heart. And it is that you have not come to the monastery for any other reason than to be worked and tried in virtue; you are like the stone that must be chiseled and fashioned before being set in the building. Thus you should understand that those who are in the monastery are craftsmen placed there by God to mortify you by working and chiseling at you. Some will chisel with words, telling you what you would rather not hear; others by deed, doing against you what you would rather not endure; others by their temperament, being in their person and in their actions a bother and annoyance to you; and others by their thoughts, neither esteeming nor feeling love for you. You ought to suffer these mortifications and annoyances with inner patience, being silent for love of God and understanding that you did not enter the religious life for any other reason than for others to work you in this way, and so you become worthy of heaven. If this was not your reason for entering the religious state, you should not have done so, but should have remained in the world to seek your comfort, honor, reputation, and ease.
4. The second counsel is wholly necessary for religious so they may fulfill the obligations of their state and find genuine humility, inward quietude, and joy in the Holy Spirit. If you do not practice this, you will know neither how to be a religious nor even why you came to the religious life. Neither will you know how to seek Christ (but only yourself), or find peace of soul, or avoid sinning and often feeling troubled. Trials will never be lacking in religious life, nor does God want them to be. Since he brings souls there to be proved and purified, like gold, with hammer and the fire [Ecclus. 2:5], it is fitting that they encounter trials and temptations from human beings and from devils, and the fire of anguish and affliction.2 The religious must undergo these trials and should endeavor to bear them patiently and in conformity to God's will, and not so sustain them that instead of being approved by God in this affliction he be reproved for not having wanted to carry the cross of Christ in patience. Since many religious do not understand that they have entered religious life to carry Christ's cross, they do not get along well with others. At the time of reckoning they will find themselves greatly confused and frustrated.
5. To practice the third counsel, which concerns the practice of virtue, you should be constant in your religious observance and in obedience without any concern for the world, but only for God. In order to achieve this and avoid being deceived, you should never set your eyes on the satisfaction or dissatisfaction of the work at hand as a motive for doing it or failing to do it, but on doing it for God. Thus you must undertake all things, agreeable or disagreeable, for the sole purpose of pleasing God through them.
6. To do this with fortitude and constancy and acquire the virtues quickly, you should take care always to be inclined to the difficult more than to the easy, to the rugged more than to the soft, to the hard and distasteful in a work more than to its delightful and pleasant aspects; and do not go about choosing what is less a cross, for the cross is a light burden [Mt. 11:30]. The heavier a burden is, the lighter it becomes when borne for Christ. You should try, too, by taking the lowest place always, that in things bringing comfort to your brothers in religion they be preferred to you. This you should do wholeheartedly, for it is the way to becoming greater in spiritual things, as God tells us in his Gospel: Qui se humiliaverit exaltabitur3 [Mt. 23:12].
7. To practice the fourth counsel, which concerns solitude, you should deem everything in the world as finished. Thus, when (for not being able to avoid it) you have to deal with some matter, do so in as detached a way as you would if it did not exist.
8. Pay no heed to the things out in the world, for God has already withdrawn and released you from them. Do not handle any business yourself that you can do through a third person. It is very fitting for you to desire to see no one and that no one see you. And note carefully that if God will ask a strict account from all the faithful of every idle word, how much more will he ask it of religious who have consecrated all their life and works to him. And God will demand all of this on the day of reckoning.
9. I do not mean here that you fail to fulfill the duties of your state with all necessary and possible care, and any others that obedience commands, but that you execute your tasks in such a way that no fault is committed; for neither God nor obedience wants you to commit a fault. You should consequently strive to be incessant in prayer, and in the midst of your corporal practices do not abandon it. Whether you eat, or drink, or speak, or converse with lay people, or do anything else, you should always do so with desire for God and with your heart fixed on him. This is very necessary for inner solitude, which demands that the soul dismiss any thought that is not directed to God. And in forgetfulness of all the things that are and happen in this short and miserable life, do not desire to know anything in any way except how better to serve God and keep the observance of your institute.
10. If your Charity observes these four counsels with care, you will reach perfection in a very short time. These counsels are so interdependent that if you are lacking in one of them, you will begin to lose the profit and gain you have from practicing the others.
Degrees Of Perfection
1. Do not commit a sin for all there is in the world, or any deliberate venial sin, or any known imperfection.
2. Endeavor to remain always in the presence of God, either real, imaginative, or unitive insofar as is permitted by your works.
3. Neither do anything nor say any notable word that Christ would not have done or said were he in the state I am, as old as I, and with the same kind of health.
4. Strive for the greater honor and glory of God in all things.
5. Do not omit mental prayer for any occupation, for it is the sustenance of your soul.
6. Do not omit examination of conscience because of any of your occupations, and for every fault do some penance.
7. Be deeply sorry for any time that is lost or that passes without your loving God. 8. In all things, both high and low, let God be your goal, for in no other way will you grow in merit and perfection.
9. Never give up prayer, and should you find dryness and difficulty, persevere in it for this very reason. God often desires to see what love your soul has, and love is not tried by ease and satisfaction.
10. In heaven and on earth, always the lowest and last place and office.
11. Never interfere in what you are not ordered to do, or be obstinate about anything, even though you may be right. And if, as the saying goes, they give you an inch, do not take a mile. Some deceive themselves in such matters and think they have an obligation to do that which - if they reflect upon it well - in no way obliges them.
12. Pay no attention to the affairs of others, whether they be good or bad, for besides the danger of sin, this is a cause of distractions and lack of spirit.
13. Strive always to confess your sins with a deep knowledge of your own wretchedness and with clarity and purity.
14. Even though your obligations and duties are difficult and disagreeable to you, you should not become dismayed, for this will not always be so. And God, who proves the soul by a precept under the guise of a trial [Ps.94:20], will after a time accord it the experience of blessing and gain.
15. Remember always that everything that happens to you, whether prosperous or adverse, comes from God, so that you become neither puffed up in prosperity nor discouraged in adversity.
16. Remember always that you came here for no other reason than to be a saint; thus let nothing reign in your soul that does not lead you to sanctity.
17. Always be more disposed toward giving to others than giving to yourself, and thus you will not be envious of or selfish toward your neighbor. This is to be understood from the viewpoint of perfection, for God is angered with those who do not give precedence to his good pleasure over that of humans.
Soli Deo honor et gloria.
Copyright ICS Publications. Permission is hereby granted for any non-commercial use, if this copyright notice is included. Maintained by the Austrian Province of the Teresian Carmel
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Let me guess--a large portion of my readers are from ravelry
Click disagree if you're here from rav. :P Guess I need to start posting in the forums more to keep you guys entertained and away from my family life and ministry.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The Magic Kingdom
I was doing a guided meditation with my eldest tonight as I have been for the past week because she has been having such a hard time relaxing enough to go to sleep with the Binky Fairy's removal of her binkies. (:P)
In the meditation, she closes her eyes and listens as I take her through the Magic Kingdom, telling her about the sights and sounds and ending with the trek up the hill to the castle. I describe the exterior of the castle, the long, colorful flags hanging from the windows, and the princesses in the windows beckoning her to come in. It helps that some friends of ours are there right now, making it twice as interesting.
At the end I have her in the middle of the castle courtyard and she looks up and sees this big cloud, and Jesus is on it and he tells her that this is His kingdom and it is in heaven waiting for her.
Anyways, for the past two nights she has called this use of her imagination her "eye TV" and asks me to turn on her eye TV to help her go to sleep, which I do right before I pray a rosary in their room. (Baptists everywhere are shaking in their boots! Just kidding. SOrta.)
Anyways, so tonight she stops me mid-meditation and tells me she sees me in the castle on her Eye TV.
I tell her that yes, I'm one of the princesses in the castle. But she says "No, mommy!!" As if its the most obvious thing in the world..."You are there cleaning the castle."
HA! Thanks.
In the meditation, she closes her eyes and listens as I take her through the Magic Kingdom, telling her about the sights and sounds and ending with the trek up the hill to the castle. I describe the exterior of the castle, the long, colorful flags hanging from the windows, and the princesses in the windows beckoning her to come in. It helps that some friends of ours are there right now, making it twice as interesting.
At the end I have her in the middle of the castle courtyard and she looks up and sees this big cloud, and Jesus is on it and he tells her that this is His kingdom and it is in heaven waiting for her.
Anyways, for the past two nights she has called this use of her imagination her "eye TV" and asks me to turn on her eye TV to help her go to sleep, which I do right before I pray a rosary in their room. (Baptists everywhere are shaking in their boots! Just kidding. SOrta.)
Anyways, so tonight she stops me mid-meditation and tells me she sees me in the castle on her Eye TV.
I tell her that yes, I'm one of the princesses in the castle. But she says "No, mommy!!" As if its the most obvious thing in the world..."You are there cleaning the castle."
HA! Thanks.
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