Inner and Outer Silence.

Been thinking a lot about silence.
As a Carmelite, I'm called to silence, but as a human being, I'm about as inclined to silence as a rhino is to ballet dancing. Because of that, I have often wondered whether I (and others) have made a mistake in discerning my call to Carmel or whether I am simply being called to something greater than myself, for which I need God's grace and cannot "do" on my own what is required. I am pretty sure it is the latter.
Silence is both mortifying and humiliating for me, and as I have asked God over and over for opportunities to make reparations for sins and for opportunities to be humbled, He is certainly laying them out.

Yesterday, my husband, my father in law, and my kids and I were doing various things in the living room. My Father in law noticed that my husband was eating slivers from a block of cheese he had bought. He made a big thing about my husband eating the cheese, when in fact he had just asked my husband three days previous to
"Please, eat as much as you would like."
So my husband reacts, first with annoyance, and then as the conversation escalates, with a clear, verbal exhortation to please leave him alone because he is frustrated. Meanwhile, my brother in law looked on. As my husband got more and more agitated and my Father in law got more and more vocal, I felt that I "needed" to step in.
Why? Because I was watching a miscommunication unroll.
I sympathized first with my husband's position-- his dad HAD told him to "eat all he wants" and to top it off my husband had given him $20 the night before SO that he could eat "whatever he wants."

I sympathized also with my Father in Law. ALL he wanted in this instance was to know that he would be informed if the cheese was finished so that he could get more for the next time a craving hit and not be surprised by the "missing cheese" in the fridge. I've been there so many times with my husband--going into the Fridge to get dinner ready only to find out that he has eaten the very thing I was going to use that night and not told me about it. It drives me nuts.

Really, what they needed was to have a calm discussion in which they agreed: You eat the food if you want it and if you eat too much of it, give me some money. If you decide to eat all of it, please let me know when you are doing it so that I'm not surprised later. Thanks!

Instead, as the living room tension escalated and my brother in law started shouting at my husband that (IRONY!) he needed to "grow some maturity," I began to raise my voice too. First, I objected to everyone raising their voice. By yelling myself. Then I objected to everyone's potty mouth in front of the kids. By yelling myself at them in front of the kids. then I acknowledged in front of all persons present that my husband was having an overreaction-- RIGHT when he was totally frustrated and feeling misunderstood. I realized my mistake about 2.4 seconds into opening my mouth, but the damage was done. I tried to rectify by putting on my best smile and cheerfully saying: "Come on, kids! Who wants to help mommy pick out a book to read in the bedroom??" but it was too late.
The result? He gave me "the Look" and stormed upstairs saying: "Don't come looking for me the next time you three want to gang up on me."

I thought about it for a long time afterwards. He was absolutely right-- I had no business participating in the conversation. I piped up when I felt the kids were being put in an aggravating situation, but the reality is that it STILL wasn't my business... at that point, my business was to take the kids elsewhere.I realized the great value of EXTERIOR silence.

The same day, I started two new groups on Ravelry. One for Secular Carmelites to connect and one for Catholic Mothers. I felt these would be productive ways to spend time in forums as opposed to endless arguments/debates over theology and apologetics.
A woman joined one of them who seemed very nice-- before she immediately jumped on me for a number of things. The first was because she didn't like the group banner (I had a temporary banner up until I had the time to do a proper one.)
Then she didn't like a post I made regarding the rosary, insisting that as Carmelites we did not HAVE to pray the rosary. She misunderstood the intent of my post and sort of harped on the logistics of how "Carmelite" the Rosary was and wasn't. Of course, she clarified- she was a former formation director. (And by the looks of her posts, a dedicated grammarian!)
But she was also correct-- one hundred percent-- even though she and I were in agreement the whole time. She just wanted to let me in (and anyone else who might be reading) on the specifics of the law concerning these two issues.
She may have meant them in pure charity, but the reality of the fact is that she was rather insensitive to what I "might" actually know-- just like the protestant sister of a friend of mine who, upon hearing that I was Catholic and liked my bible in a passing FB post on a friend's page, wrote me a lengthy email telling me how great it was that I was "starting" to read my bible and suggesting that I start with John. (heeehee!!)I know that Catholics, and thus Carmelites, do not HAVE to pray the rosary. I also know that we should. Though it isn't required, it is good! So to take the time to remind me of that seemed ... excessively stern.

These things came right when it seemed most that I was being convicted of speaking out when indeed, I need to be quiet. "Watch and Pray," the Bible tells us.. and so Watch and Pray I must. Holy Father Saint John of the Cross comes to mind, who says:
“It is great wisdom to know how to be silent and to look at neither the remarks, nor the deeds, nor the lives of others.”

I reflected then on ways in which someone had spoken a Word of God to me through silence in the last week. I thought of the priest who said mass last week, an incredible contemplative soul. He is a benedictine monk assigned to the military hospital here on post and thus separated from his community.

At Communion, usually the priest will bless the baby and my other children, and then give me communion. This time, however, I noticed something different.
First, he remained on the step so that he was a level above each communicant. But he directed the Eucharistic ministers to be down on the floor "with everybody else."
This silently spoke volumes about what was happening during communion and I loved it---as if they had brought an INVISIBLE communion rail in!!
Then he did something even more amazing. When it was my turn, he broke my host in half. He blessed my baby WITH the host--again, silently speaking volumes about the Eucharist.Then he gently placed both halves in my mouth...speaking silently to me about my vocation as mother to help my child grow to recieve her share of the Eucharist, as well as reminding me of my bond of love with her in Christ. It was a mystical moment.

There is power in silence. Lord, I want to walk in your ways.