Having recently come into a fuller understanding of the call to Carmel (and the reason why it takes discernment and the response to a sure call from God and not just the desire of our hearts to be a Carmelite) it has been made clear to me that while I do think I am called to Carmel, I have, until now, totally been missing the point.
I have realized that basically, my sinfulness knows no bounds. Sigh.
This vanity of mine is so extraordinary that it literally has to be beaten out of me, inch my miserable inch in which it clings to me with a death-grip. I cry out "use me, Lord," but when the inevitable suffering which comes with that hits, for through it we are tried, I am questioning heaven and losing all hope, over and over again. Amazingly, some of our greatest Saints did so as well, and I am comforted by their stories.
To be a Carmelite is to be surrounded by that "great cloud of witnesses" (Hebrews 12:1-2)which becomes like family-- pushing and pulling you into sanctity with great love and much stern reprimand. It is beautiful. It is painful. It is like nothing else.
As St Paul says: The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. "You're trying to do this on your own power," is the refrain of my husband, who woefully points out to me over and over again that I must let God be God. I fall and I rise, sustained by prayer and work and the loving hand of my Savior who doesn't mind slowing down to teach me to tie my shoes and help me clean up my messes.
Over and over again in ministry I have prayed for people who have been individually touched by the forces of evil either deliberately or through a corporate conspiracy of other persons who have been affected by the Enemy of Light.
At times, it has seemed breathtaking to me to see just how deep the roots of evil go. Eventually, through discernment and prayer I became exposed to some of the factors at work in our modern world which provoke us to sin or which contribute to Satan's plan. When I was a spiritual infant, I worried about whether to have cable TV in the house, or whether it was more Godly to have a morning devotional or a nightly one, whether I should read the NASB or the NKJV, wear dresses or pants, dress my kids up for church or not, and other such prominent issues over which there have been written literally hundreds of books. These days, things have changed.
My "concerns" are, in theory (and when I let them be) far greater than anything I would have expected to worry about-- the state of individual priests or parishes, of nations and kingdoms, what type of survival training we should be teaching our kids that will be most helpful for the day of the Lord's wrath. And that sounds nuts to the average American who is worried about who will win American Idol or if they will get to see their beloved Lucifer on Lost (ahem--- see what I did there?)
As someone who deals with the forces of evil in a tangible way each day, I can say that the one thing I would walk away from this experience- the business of being "me"- knowing is that the WHOLE world is under the power of the evil one, that he truly IS the prince of the air, that he truly does have .great power he has invested into all of the things which we, today, consider "normal, daily life."
Likewise I would remember that he is patient and has a plan, that to him entire centuries are simply building blocks for his final attempt to win a war he has already lost... a war which contains a final battle which is far, far closer than we think it might be today.
One would think that the obtaining of that knowledge would complete my conversion, but instead it has simply put me into a state of alternating panic that I am still as much of a sinner as I ever was and a state of sheer, dropped-jaw amazement at the unraveling of world events, of HISstory as it is made.
This, then, is the perfect time for me to recognize two things: First, I was called to Carmel for a reason. Since the reception of the Scapular in my OCDS community, I have become keenly aware that my life is required in this larger game of Life. That when I gave my LIFE to Christ that night in 1997 I needed to understand that He just might take me up on it-- asking me to die a little bit each day but even possibly asking me to give it entirely in the end for Him. Persecution of Christianity, in this post-Christian age, my friends, is just beginning.
For a Carmelite sister who enters the convent, that sacrifice is obvious... she is no more in the world and in her place she leaves the souls of those who will be saved thanks to her prayer and sacrifice. Her reward will be great. My impression of a secular Carmelite, however, was not so "severe." But in the last year I have realized that that's EXACTLY what is required of me-- my WHOLE life and all of those things which our society deems "normal" in exchange for the souls on which I beg my Lord for mercy.
I've been struggling with this concept now for some time-- how can I be "in" the world and not "of" the world-- and I believe that God has finally given me clarity in that department for now...
By seeking counsel from older, wiser Carmelite women who have walked in my shoes I see now the true depth of meaning of being a consecrated soul-- one SET APART. And knowing what I do know with regards to the plans of the enemy, I am convinced that to anything less than to live out this vocation is insanity and plays straight into his hand... God has asked me to work and pray, and witness to His Truth in the World and that is all that I can respond with: my life.
One by one the Carmelite examples parade before me (God sometimes has to make things REALLY clear to me :P) of people who gave themselves wholly to His service and through it found that not only they but countless others had changed. But to do that, we have to trust him.
The recent developments in my understanding of news in light of biblical prophecy etc have caused me also to love the Blessed Mother with an even greater devotion. I see now how much we need her loving guidance and how faithfully she responds to the Love of the One who IS Love in helping us to turn towards Him that "none may perish, but all have eternal life." His patience with our sinful world wears thin, but out of love for us and for the woman he created to bear His Son, He allows her to teach us how to love Him more and better. I see why Satan used the protestant reformation -- the genius was that it was not only to attempt to divide and conquer the Church but to conquer the hearts of those who had not yet turned towards the Blessed Mother, because in creating a protestant sect which loathes and denigrates Mary whom God Himself has exalted he has taken away one of the best gifts God gave to His children-- His own Mother. I am thankful that God called me to the Order of Our Lady and none other, that it is under her faithful protection that I come to know and love Jesus more each day. I am thankful for the weapons of my warfare: the brown scapular and the Holy Rosary, which draw me nearer to His heart through hers.
I see now more than ever the importance of following the Pope, under whom the Church of God is shepherded safely. I see why Satan hates him with such rage and how the fury of hell beats against the hearts of the Holy Popes that have burned with love for Christ, ensuring the spiritual safety of their flock against the wolves. I understand the prayer of Holy Father Pope Benedict XVI when he became pope:
"Pray for me," he said,"That I may not flee for fear of the wolves."
Most importantly, I see the importance of growing daily in trust and love of my Father in Heaven and through Him of the situations I encounter in life. I have learned the futility of panic or anxiety-- and their satanic origins. The heart of my family trusts in Our Lord, and --God help me, though I may fall again- we hope to be an evangelical beacon to the world that we can TRUST in God, no matter what hell comes against us... and it has and will.
This is where the wisdom of Carmel comes in- a wisdom so great it has sustained mankind through the ages because it came from God: "It is not necessary to KNOW much, but to love much." -Teresa of Avila
Yes, all of this revelation has come to me through my prayer. No, I can not do a thing about it but love God and love others. All of the knowledge of all the satanic conspiracies of the universe amount to nothing if I do not love God and people enough to begin responding with prayer, for example.
This afternoon at Carmelites, my baby started cooing and chattering loudly during a class on Teresa of Avila. I stepped outside with her, inwardly groaning that I had to miss out on a portion of a talk which I found so relevant-- about how we were nearing the end of an era and that because of the signs of the times we should turn to Teresa with renewed zeal as we undertook the perfecting of our relationship with the Lord. A sure guide, Teresa taught prayer and a closer intimacy with Christ and people everywhere were changed. 500 years later, here I sit, affected by her relationship with God. Since each of us will have a special role that we must live out in God's plan, the directives straight from Rome for our Order was to re-read Teresa in light of our times and of our own personal journeys-- NOT FOR OURSELVES, not only for our own growths, but so we could then share with apostolic zeal how to do so for those who are in need. Time is short.
So I walked out of the room, totally upset that this relevant talk was going to be missed as I rocked a babbling baby in the hallway. The hallway at this Parish overlooks a giant meeting room, normally empty, where people were milling around eating snacks.
I rubbed my eyes with disbelief: right below me stood, in an unmistakeable long grey robe with a white cord, Father Andrew Apostoli,CFR a priest in the Fransiscan Friars of the Renewal and one of my personal favorite living Saints.
It was as if a lightning bolt had hit me when he started his talk: opening with a treatise on Fatima (his area of expertise and one of the reasons he is so dear to me, as I have, in the last year, developed a profound devotion to Our Lady of Fatima and Our Lady of Akita precisely BECAUSE of the aforementioned word of knowledge I've received about our current events in God's plan and Mary's role in it.)
He and Father Groeschel are essentially two of my living heros of the faith. I pray for them daily and admire their work so greatly that to be in a room with him, let alone to hear him talk about one of my all-time favorite subjects, was just so good that I nearly left my body with the strength of the sensation of God's presence. This was no accident, and I felt the proverbial Love.
As he continued, he addressed Fatima and other apparitions in light of the proliferation of Communism and even Occult secret societies... which is precisely the kind of stuff I've been led to understand more deeply as far as their significance on the global playing field goes with regards to God's plan. (and amazingly, while the house should have been PACKED, he was speaking to no more than two dozen people who, while they seemed considerably excited to be basking in his presence didn't- I could tell from questions, comments and body language- have the foggiest notion what he was talking about, at least for the first half of his presentation.)
It was as if I was alone in a room hearing one of my favorite directors of souls speak directly to the very things which I was experiencing, understanding, and discerning. A TOTAL, perfect God-moment. When the baby regained her calm, I remained just long enough to hear him tell us that when we despaired of God's presence, of hope in his goodness, we had but spend a moment in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament to remember that in the Eucharist He is ALWAYS with us-- even til the end of the world. With tears in my eyes, I returned to my Carmelite formation, which ended up more incredible than I have the space to write here.
There is so much more to this story-- I could write an entire book on the incredible spiritual direction I received both through St John of the Cross' direction, the Rule of the Discalced Carmelite Order, obedience to my superiors and my husband, and especially this encounter with Fr Apostoli... but to do so would be futile here because you are not in my head and I cannot put most of it into words that would adequately describe the perfect beauty of the direction or the pure wisdom from which it was derived. Suffice to say that I have, in one day, said goodbye--- I hope forever--- to this passing world and the tools its current king is using to enslave us, and at the same time found so much joy and such a great treasure in the hidden solitude that is required of me in order to leave this world behind that I just might have passed into a new realm... one in which being a poor, busy, unseen, humbled mother is no longer the great cross that it might have seemed so often in my past, but rather a gift-- an opportunity to better fulfill my vocation to sacrifice myself with my Savior, out of love for my Savior, in order to give back to Him some of the love He has shown me, and for the salvation of sinners in danger of perishing at any given moment- in an instant-- at the sound of the Trumpets.
It feels like the turning of a page. Alleluia.
