Duty and Discipleship

I had a fascinating conversation with my husband yesterday in the car on the way to confession.
As a part of my midwifery studies, I have been seeking out a method or plan for incorporating the concept of discipleship into my practice. I wanted to see my own midwifery practice in the context of ministry to women.
My goal is pure enough, I hope--- if I am to be a Christian midwife, a large part of my role is certainly to encourage wives and mothers to seek God, and I wanted to know how best to pour into them. Should we meet weekly or monthly? Should I be available by phone? Should we have group meetings or one on one? What types of things should we discuss? Was there an order in which to teach these things?

The process of discipleship has always been very fruitful for me. It usually involved an active relationship with a person who had a vested interest in my spiritual well-being and who was willing to take time each week or month to check in and encourage me along the journey. Put simply, a Christian disciple follows Jesus, and takes on intentional relationships that encourage others to follow Jesus as well.

In non-Catholic Christian circles, we were always encouraged to seek out other lay members of the church who seemed to be doing spiritually well to meet for discussion. Could this person be called to disciple me? Conversely, we were encouraged to seek out people we felt called to help who seemed to need it. Could I be called to disciple this person?

Although we were called to evangelize everyone, it was clear that we were also called into unique mentoring relationships with each other, as led by the Holy Spirit.
It was also crystal clear that discipleship happened in this relational context--- as a couple we sought to be discipled by another older, wiser couple. As a woman, I sought an older, wiser woman to befriend me and be a guide towards Jesus. As a mother, it was a given that I was called to disciple my children.

Usually, the person who discipled me required something of me: trust, and obedience. If they were going to take the time out of their own lives to invest in me, they wanted to know that it was having an effect. For that reason, they requested that I be open enough with them to share my true thoughts/feelings (unlike in other relationships where you can certainly gloss over some of the hard stuff.) This was challenging for me especially at first, because I am accustomed to giving people what they want to hear. The person who discipled me needed a lot of patience, grace, and wisdom to get past my outer shell.

They also requested that if we both agreed something needed to be worked on (attacking a particular fault of mine, for example) that I would actually DO what they recommended. If I didn't, they reserved the right to question me honestly, and to withdraw their help -- but not their love or prayers-- when they saw that I was determined to stay on the bad course that I was on. This was also particularly challenging in my case, because I had always struggled with a deep-rooted rebellion against God and any type of authority.

So there is always a place within discipleship for authority and submission. One person leads, and the other follows and submits. There is much potential there for misuse and abuse, which is why the details are so important-- who provides it, and what is their motive?

Also, there is the concept of spiritual parenthood involved. I often say that the woman who primarily discipled me throughout college and beyond is my spiritual mother--- in many ways, my heart is closer to her than to my own mother, because not only did she teach me many of the practical aspects of womanhood and wifehood (care of the body, care of the husband, care of the home, and children) but also the spiritual aspects (she taught me to pray, taught me to war in the Spirit, to fast, and to exercise my faith daily.) For many years she was not able to have children of her own, and I was moved whenever I prayed for her to think what a true mother she actually was to me. Similarly, her father was my first real pastor-- a person whose own faith and public teaching led me directly to confront my own sins and the majesty of God, and to begin in practical ways to not only accept the reality of the Cross but to embrace it. When her father saw that I wanted more, he recommended that I speak to her because he knew that I needed a woman to guide me in ways he was not called to, and the wisdom of being willing to relinquish the authority and trust I had given him is not something I will ever forget. Like her wise father, his wise daughter-- who had been an authoritative guide for me throughout my adult single life-- similarly relinquished the trust and authority I had given her over my life when I became a married woman.

An important side note here is that I don't believe we NEED that human interaction to be able to discern God's voice to us. Those living in solitude are able to commune with God and take positive steps towards godly living solely by reading the scriptures and praying in the Spirit. BUT there is a vast benefit to having faithful people around us to confirm a word or thought, and also to help us when we stray the path and cross over into places we ought not.

We have to remember that this relationship of discipleship is not ultimately a means of creating carbon-copies of individual people (that would be a misuse of authority) but rather a means of living our best lives, imitating the disciple of Christ in his seeking after the face of God.

Even so, there is a practical aspect that comes into play. If I am being discipled by someone, I come to conform very much to their way of thinking and doing. If they have "put on the mind of Christ," (1 Cor 2:13-16) this is a good thing, but some people in their own sinfulness might want the person they are discipling to conform to the way they do things (Be it how they dress, talk, eat, pray... whatever). This can be very harmful, so a necessary virtue of a person doing the discipling is humility. This is a protection for the person being discipled AND the person doing the discipling. Just as a parent raising a child does not seek to create a carbon copy of himself, but will still see himself reflected often in the interests and mannerisms of his child, so a person in a discipleship relationship must be aware that the disciple belongs to Jesus.

I remember often calling the woman who discipled me to ask for help (the same way people call their mother!) when in need of clear, spiritual thinking and advice for most of my adult life, but one day after  I was married,  I noticed that instead of giving me a clear answer she began to say to me: "what does your husband think?"
At first, this frustrated me to no end. If I wanted to know what my husband thought, I would have asked him. I wanted to know what she thought, because I felt she had the answers. She was closer to God, and more spiritual. Plus, she was a woman, and just understood me better. Right? Hehe.

But she knew this was wrong. Ever so gently she continued to encourage me to ask my husband, and as she did it dawned on me that this was God's will for my life. I had married a man, and in doing so, given him spiritual authority over my life. I was called not only to respect and love him but to submit to him, and though I had been quite quick in my choice of a husband, I knew it was in God's hands now. Her encouragement, though it "weaned" me into a different type of relationship with her, was priceless in that it led me to confront a reality of married life I had not spent enough time understanding previous to becoming married: it was now my husband who was going to primarily disciple me. Many thoughts flooded me. Was he spiritual enough? Would he be able to guide me? Would he satisfy that craving I had for more relationship (which was ultimately a craving for more of God?)

And these ideas, sadly, took the back burner while I learned to be a wife to the particular man I married and faced the challenges of the practical aspects of wifehood and new motherhood. Although we prayed, this period in my life was mostly marked my trials and error in the keeping of the household.... learning to build family culture. However, I felt strongly that we kept failing at it--- mostly because we often were at odds in our ideas about HOW to run the house and what God's will for us was. We were also often at odds because children can get in the way of a marital relationship if you let them, and we have lots of them. Mostly we were at odds because I wanted him to change and be more like me, and he wanted me to change and be more like him. What we really needed was to both change and be more like Jesus.

I often returned to the idea of discipleship to help me. I knew that my husband was supposed to disciple me, but it still felt helpful to have someone outside of the marriage to lead me, mostly because I felt that my husband had only his interests at heart in what he wanted to lead me in. This wasn't true, mind you, but came out of my own innate rebellion against his God-given authority over the family. And though I looked and looked, no one offered to take on this role of discipling me, so I felt that God had clearly spoken about it.

To add to the confusion, we returned to the Catholic Church a few years into our marriage, and though it was wonderful and right because we believed the Bible teaches the doctrines of the Church, these clear lines of what discipleship WAS became slightly blurry and confusing for me, instead of a normative process.
First, because the Catholic Church, like Ancient Israel, is a mess. The most sublime of divine truths are taught and promulgated by her, as a sacred heart beating wildly with love for God and for His plan for mankind pumping life into the world,  but the most hardened and rebellious of people clog through her tired veins. It is easy to understand why in Luke 18:8 Scripture asks us: "When the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"
And second, because two new words began to be introduced into my Christian vocabulary as a Catholic: Catechesis and Spiritual Direction.

Catechesis is the process of handing down the faith. In a formal sense, a catechist gives lessons on true doctrine. At first, I understood catechesis to be sitting down with a catechism-- the tool of the catechist-- and learning / confirming what we understood from reading sacred scripture and studying the lives of the saints and fathers, etc. Over time, I began to understand that catechesis happens not only when I am sitting around the table with an open bible and catechism and my children, but also when I am praying with them at night before bed, or having a right response before them, etc. In short, I began to equate catechesis with this idea of discipleship--- a lifelong, relational process.

Similarly, Spiritual Direction is the receiving of catechism in a personal sense. A spiritual director is a person with whom you have a clear relationship for JUST the purpose of direction (these relationships do not blur the lines of friendship in a traditional sense) and who is invested solely in your spiritual well-being, in guiding you towards holiness and sainthood in a concrete sense. Typically, a spiritual director is also your confessor, the person to whom you confess your sins,  because traditionally, spiritual directors are priests. This is because priests have been given the authority by the apostolic Church to teach the "true faith" and to guide souls. (which isn't to say that there aren't some awful priests out there, because they are. But it is the Bishop's responsibility to ensure that the priests in their diocese are up to the task. And not all priests are spiritual directors, nor do they want to be.) These mentors are also found in monastaries and hermitages-- there is a long Christian tradition of looking for and receiving profound spiritual answers from holy men and women living in these places. I have hiked up some of these ancient mountains and visited some of these ancient caves and I can attest to the fact that even centuries later, these wise saints are still speaking to us and giving us spiritual direction.

Spiritual directors have a responsibility to be open to the Holy Spirit, but they also have a responsibility to follow certain methods which have been handed down throughout Christian history, and not to innovate. We have no need for innovation, because truth be told-- there is one path towards sanctity: a personal relationship with Our Lord, and character  built by the acceptance of our vocational duty. Some spiritual directors are lay people, but those lay people have had the authority to call themselves spiritual directors vested upon themselves by the Church--- in Catholic teaching, no one is advised to  just start advising people because they think they should. Dwelling on that for a minute, it became clear to me that there is a vast difference between the idea of discipleship in protestant circles and in Catholic circles.

In other words, discipleship is tied in with the concepts of authority and submission. Because the non-Catholic Christian concept of authority in the church is fuzzy, as my husband spoke I began to see it as the image of divorce--- we *give* authority to a person until they no longer do something we accept, and then we take it from them and might give it to another. The Catholic concept of authority, on the other hand, is the image of marriage and family-- either we are born into the Church and accept it's authority from infancy or we enter into courtship with the Church and study her doctrines, accept them, and come UNDER her authority, accepting it as we do in marriage. Forever.

Now, I have had several spiritual directors as a Catholic, and met with varying degrees of success. The most fruitful have come from a parish priest, from a carmelite nun, and from an Opus Dei priest. I have also taken on a saint as my spiritual director, devoting myself to studying their spiritual writings and their lives for a time. My general impression of the face to face is that it was no where near as effective for me as the protestant discipleship model because my spiritual directors don't know me or my family and friends personally and therefore has a limited scope and view of the situations I relate.

On the other hand, this can be beneficial, too--- sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, and distance helps. But more often than not I have left spiritual direction frustrated. Following a saint's life, however, has been very fruitful. I don't have a spiritual director at this time, but I have also received unexpected spiritual direction that was excellent from many priests, often just after confession. I find that when I return to them for more at another time with the intent of seeking direction, they often disappoint me. In other words, God has been at work but when I tried to take the reigns, I was prevented.

As I said before,   in protestant circles, everyone was always abuzz with the word discipleship, and it was a given that at any moment we should be in discipleship relationships with one another, both discipling and being discipled.
In contrast, Catholic circles, everyone I know WANTS a good spiritual director, and no one can find one. Seminarians and priests are strongly encouraged to have one, but lay persons tend to struggle to find one that fits. Catechesis happens successfully in different contexts but is a given IF a Catholic wants it-- but those who don't can go through life free of doctrinal constraints quite easily. We sadly ALL know Cradle Catholics who are indistinguishable from their pagan or atheist counterparts in the world in thought, word, and deed.

So reflecting on all of this, I set to work attempting to build a model in my mind of the ideal midwifery discipleship model. What does discipleship look like for women who are called to be with women?
Certainly, midwifery encompasses "women's ministry," but because it involves childbearing and marriage, health and fertility,  it also goes deeper. There is a quote about midwifery that states: "Birth is as safe as life gets." It is so profound, because birth and childbearing is a perfect analogy for life. We labor in pain and toil for a seemingly unending period of time, and just when it looks like things are at there worst, a most glorious event occurs: birth, which includes both deliverance and perfect joy. From our innermost secret parts we bring forth something that melts and gives hope to the whole world. Not only that, but we then co-operate with God to raise this baby--- forcing us to LIVE the principles which we speak of and preach. When we don't, our sin goes before us and is visible to the whole world. Life and death hang in the balance. The entire process, from beginning to end, is rich with spiritual meaning.

Before midwives practiced obstetrics, they relied on faith, herbalism, and their spiritual formation in all things pertaining to womanhood. An OBGYN can see a stalled labor and pull a baby out with forceps, using his understanding of anatomy. And sadly, this type of behavior has been known to have adverse effects on both baby and mother.
But a midwife can see a stalled labor and coax a baby out using spiritual means-- by encouraging the mother to bond with the baby and speak to it, or to let go of whatever fears she has about motherhood, or by crying out to God on her behalf. This isn't to say that anatomy and physiology don't play a role in midwifery-- they absolutely do. But a midwife operates holistically, connecting dots between the mind, body, and soul of the laboring mother, educating her,  and providing a culture of encouragement that allows the MOTHER  to take responsibility for her own choices and outcomes, whereas a doctor simply "knows best" and does "FOR" the mother what she is often better suited-- but unable at the time-- to do for herself.
This causes me to reflect on the role of God when we call him "the Divine Physician." For certainly midwives and doctors are both healers in the truest sense of the term, but in today's usage while midwives encourage education, growth, and self- care, doctors use physical intervention and mechanisms, until last we hear from them we this common phrase: "We've done all we can. It's up to God now." In the past, both roles were necessary, but more and more women are being asked to chose one or the other.

However, God does both, and for that reason what we learn from Him as "healers" should be reflected in our discipleship, whether we are on the giving or the receiving end.

All of this led me to ask my husband what he felt was a good model for discipleship in the context of midwifery. I explained my thoughts, and he listened, but during the course of my explaining, he became slightly frustrated with me. Confused, I asked him what was wrong with what I was hoping to generate.

And once I got past my usual bristling when he corrects me, I realized he was saying something deeply important-- that though there was a time and a place for the type of "discipleship" I had experienced in the past, in similar settings, there was a deeper layer to the requirements of discipleship for Christians.

"We aren't protestants," he began, "and we don't need to re-invent the wheel. The model you are looking for already exists. It's called duty." Ugh, I thought, Here we go.
"You don't need a model for discipleship," he began. "The Gospels themselves provide us with the model."
"Women achieve sanctity through a personal relationship with God and primarily through doing their duty. They have no real need to have a committee with each other about how to do it, because none of them can tell each other how to do it, and all it does is cause confusion at best and strife at worst between them. If you are a wife, your husband has the God-given authority to disciple you, and anything another woman might tell you about how to live just doesn't matter.She might have insight for you, but learning is more caught than taught.You don't NEED to sit down and talk about it."
Easy for you to say, I thought.

At the time, I became angry and indignant because I felt that my husband had not ever really embraced this role as discipler of his wife, but in doing so, I failed completely to see the irony that even as I asked myself that question, he was doing just that!  He was giving me spiritual advice, and I was rejecting it on the grounds that he couldn't possibly understand what women go through! Again!

He continued to explain that unlike in other ecclesial communities, the Church grants authority to a person who has been tested and found true who can offer spiritual advice. These are usually priests, and a good one is hard to find, but we should persist in seeking these faithful priests out until we find them. They are our only spiritual authority. In the home, discipleship for women and children was clearly laid out as an example in marriage. Look at the holy family-- Mary listened to Joseph and followed his lead, praying all the while and meditating on the things happening to her. Jesus, the bible tells us, was obedient to Mary and Joseph, growing up under them.

Then he asked me: "How many women do you know who faithfully do their duty to God and their families, and never sway from it into selfishness and self-serving behavior? How many faithful, impeccable, heroic women do you really know? Are you perfect? Then why do you think it's your job to disciple other women? And what can you receive from them that you do not receive from the Holy Spirit and from me and from your priest?"

Many things went through my mind. "Fellowship," was the answer I gave in my head. But fellowship is not necessarily discipleship!
Of course, he and I both know that discipleship is a requirement of the Christian life and he certainly wasn't saying that we aren't ALL called to be disciples AND to disciple others. At the same time, I couldn't help but agree with his emphasis on diverting my train of thought as he continued to speak.

He pointed out that usually meeting one on one with other women several times a week took time away from my "real" alleged priorities--- the ones I claimed were at the center: my family's needs. I felt justified in doing it because it seemed from my perspective to be a normative part of christian ministry, and felt self-righteous and indignant when he pointed it out because HE takes time out to spend an hour with friends here or there each week.... with us around, granted, but he was just playing with his friends, wasn't he? While I had a spiritual agenda with these women, Right? So shouldn't MY needs take the priority in a Christian house until he started doing that too? Hah.

And yet, he was right on, I realized with a sting. Here I was ignoring my family under the pretense of helping these women to not ignore their own families, while here he was wordlessly creating a powerful example of faithful family life by incorporating friends and acquaintances into our family life so they could see it themselves... in action... and not just talk about it. The reality was that I was bitter about it because my way involved quiet, enjoyable one on one time in a setting I controlled and therefore "looked good in," whereas his way involved me remaining in a state of servanthood and the possibility of my own sin going before me at any given moment! Ugh.

I also thought vicious thoughts about his own imperfections. I felt that he had failed to disciple me and therefore do the very duty he was promulgating because he doesn't usually carve out time each week to ask me how I feel about where I am at spiritually. Oh, my deceitful heart!! Every day that my husband provides an example for us is a day he disciples me. And every day that my husband reminds me of my duty is a day he disciples me. Every day my husband prays with me , reads his bible, encourages me to introduce myself and the kids to a new mom at church... is a day he is discipling me. Even in the stressful times in life when he had failed to do any of  those things, just by being with him and listening to him and sharing life with him, he helped make me a better person.

Discipleship under my husband didn't have to look like him and I sitting and drinking tea and searching the scriptures, although it could.

No, discipleship under my husband was instead a very different, much busier and more ordinary type of picture: cooking a meal side by side for unexpected guests, or tag team parenting an unruly kiddo, or taking turns reading bedtime stories to the family, or seeing him get up early to read his bible before heading off to work.

What's more-- when I recognized that for what it was instead of trying to re-invent ways to make my own voice heard, my children began to grasp the same concept and to TURN to us for their important questions. And, for the record, those times he does speak sharply, or forget to pray with us, or whatever other failure he might have,  he disciples us when he turns around and repents. Just like when we both have failed, our children will bring us back to a repentant place. Like a perfect circle, our family disciples each other, each taking turns to spiritually feed and direct the other.

In the end, REAL discipleship for the married woman is completely tied into my duty--and it's a lot less glamorous than I had envisioned. Good bye cute coffee shop and hello boring sink full of dishes. Goodbye weekly bible study and hello messy morning devotional around the kitchen table. But though I had begun to see the beauty in that, as I sat in the car and listened to him, slowly dying to myself and my ideas about what discipleship "must" look like, I was sad and upset. He was calling for more service, and more loneliness or separation from my friends, and not at all the type of bond with other women that had brought me to the place I held now as wife and mother. But as I listened, I discovered that the fruit of that type of hidden life was something I had witnessed all along! In fact, the longer I reflected, the more I saw this bright picture becoming clearer and clearer in my mind... my husband was right on.

In the picture, I saw myself, being discipled by the faithful daughter in the family I described above. we met often, and in the quiet space between our words I did a lot of growing. It was a model that had worked very well for me, at the time. But there were other things happening to me too back then, things that were being built but that I hadn't picked up on.

In my minds' eye, I saw the other women in the family who had sort of escaped my notice. One was a sister who was married, and very kind. I had babysat for her and really enjoyed their family. But as she was married and had a home of her own, I rarely interacted with her in the context of learning about Christian living in the family home she had grown up in. When  I had babysat for her, I supposed I actually had learned about Christian living by what was expected of me... praying with the children. Caring for her son and her daughter who had down's syndrome with great love and attention. Keeping things neat, and orderly. Giving nourishing food and nourishing thoughts to her children. Serving her husband. She was discipling me!

My mind moved to another person in the picture: the mother in the family. I had met her the first day I attended at bible study in their home. And I had found her insufferably silent.
Yes, her house was impeccable, her children were polite and faithful, her husband was an obviously deeply spiritual man with a quiet, but deep, love and affection for her.

But instead of animatedly engaging us in the bible study we held every week at her house and taking the spotlight right next to him, she sat on the steps in the back of the group, getting up only to help someone find the restroom, find a seat, or find a passage in their bible. She attended to the needs of their other sons. She was beautiful, and clearly loved and Godly and was important to her family and to the group, so I wondered why she was so.... meek.

Over the years, I came to know her a little better. The family brought me on vacation with them, and blessed me tremendously by allowing me to share in their life a little, which painted a very different picture for me than the family life I had experienced. A life centered on the Lordship of Jesus Christ. A Kingdom life. Her personality began to be more known to me, and I realized I had been completely wrong-- she had a LOT of it! She often opened her home to her daughter's friends and together they helped us learn to keep house, to pray, to raise a family. But always she remained at her husband's side, quietly encouraging her children as they blossomed. What a faithful woman! What a glorious example, I realized. She was discipling me!

I am married now, with a family of my own, and though I have spent countless wasted years trying to escape the requirements of married life, the reality is that what I want-- discipleship that leads me to the quiet peace of God's presence-- is completely tied in to my duty. When I was a single young women, my duty was completely different than my duty as a wife and mother!

With deep love for him, and a repentant heart, I looked over.
My husband finished by pointing out that this wrong idea about discipleship being anything less than doing our duty and living by example was like the last frontier of feminism that has infiltrated the Church, and that women in the church everywhere were completely deceived and deceiving.

We have all these good, godly women trying hard to live lives submitted to God and family, and yet they are running all over the place and exhausting themselves at best, ignoring their families at worst,  trying to build relationships over and under each other and attempting to take what is not theirs to give but God's-- power. Under the pretext of "helping women."

They are reading and writing books about how to run households and make schedules and raise children and have loving marriages and powerful women's ministry but they are not DOING the one thing that shows by example without a doubt that they have understood what is required of them: to obey their husbands and to love them, to educate their children and to live by example, and to teach and train the younger women, beginning with their own children, to be faithful, prayerful, and dutiful by example. Which isn't to say that there ISN'T a time and a place for doing that, but rather to point out that discipleship takes many different forms, and is always tied in to our vocational duty.

Catholic wives and mothers and midwives don't contracept, and many of us are likely to keep having very busy family lives for quite some time. Keeping our families TRULY first is really the only way to ensure a fruitful ministry.

And I had been falling for it, hook, line, and sinker, seeking to focus my duty towards other women and my own self, without the greater context of my foremost duty towards my husband, and my family. Why? Because I want to be in charge, and I like coffee shops and talking loud. And because I like friends, and people who ask me how I'm doing.  Duh. :)

So for me, what that looks like practically was that my midwifery needs to have room for my family, needs to come after my family, and needs to be lived by example, daily. It didn't mean I was going to stop blogging or holding workshops or anything like that, but it did mean that I was going to feel a little bit better about having "tea" with my kids instead of my girlfriends each day. And it did mean that folding laundry, a drudgery I cannot even begin to describe, suddenly had great significance, even with regards to other women. Over time, I've learned that God is very involved in the ordinary things of life. Discipleship was like a last frontier in my spiritual life that I thought was supposed to remain extraordinary, but now I see that it is glorious, although mundane.

But we urge you, bretheren, to excel still more, and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to your own business and work with your hands, just as we commanded you, so that you will behave properly toward outsiders and not be in any need. - 1 Thessalonians 4:11

“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." Matthew 5:5.

Pain

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

 Kahlil Gibran

The "Others."

There is a haunting movie out there called "The Others," a dark Nicole Kidman flick that I have always enjoyed, revolving around two families interacting in curious ways over an apparently haunted house.
In the film, the exploration of human relationships is so vivid. The mother, at times appearing the perfectly poised and responsible and even superhero-ish Army wife she must be in her situation, increasingly acts completely insane as the pressure begins to mount. My husband says we are all just a hair's breadth away from insanity.
Her marriage is a source of complete struggle. Relying on her husband's imaginary presence and memory to keep her going, his actual presence when he finally returns is a source of confusion and heartache. The ghosts in her house end up being her closest companions and her greatest source of confusion, fear, and unrest.

How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.
-- Psalm 119:9

I am a married woman now, and I haven't always lived a Christian life. When I was younger, teachings about purity and living a chaste life eluded me for various reasons, and though I felt I was always a "good person" or at least trying to be, I am a person who has been intimate with others, besides my husband (among many, many other sins besides.)

This little fact-- seemingly unimportant among other qualities I have and daily impose on my husband-- has been one of the most relevant pieces of baggage I have brought to this marriage, and has had a profound effect on all parts of it. Because of that, it seemed like a good idea to discuss these things openly, so that someone, somewhere, reading this might finally understand why God places such seemingly restrictive "rules" on our feelings and our bodies.

Let me be clear: my previous relationships, of which several really stand out, are not things I regret. They were beautiful, and had a potential to be pure and glorious and life-giving. They were sincere, and genuine. I use the term "relationships" loosely here. Some of the encounters I am talking about lasted one moment, but it was a moment full of the strongest and most noble of possible emotions-- moments that were stopped in their tracks by life's circumstances. Other encounters were conscious enterings into a long term partnership, or an attempt at life sharing. None of these--- none of them--- even come close to marriage. But they were powerful encounters, and life changing, and I will never forget them. And neither will they, those "others" that periodically invade my marriage bed, home, or family life.  Like Nicole Kidman's ghosts, sometimes they are welcome guests, helping my husband and myself to work out an issue. Other times they are intruders...inescapable presences that lurk behind every closed door and invade every quiet moment.

I look back on most of them with great fondness and affection, with tenderness. Unbearable tenderness, sometimes. They were not, of themselves, a bad thing. Love is good. I've heard it argued that these types of relationships were not "love" in and of themselves, and I have to agree-- love is an action, not a feeling, and is sacrificial, not self- serving. But I use the term "love" here to describe the intense fondness and affection that one can feel for another human being. I do not regret having had those feelings. I have learned from them, and I have had a glimpse of the joy that true Union can bring. A glimpse, mind you. Just a fleeting vision.

What I do regret is the progression of that "love" feeling into boiling lust, and then into.... blandness or boredom, a natural side-effect of human relationships.  Worse, what was then transformed into..... lies, deceit, anger, unrest, and eventually.... brokenness. I have "loved" others with my whole heart, only to take it away from them when I found myself bored by them, or interested by the next passing thing. And I will live forever with the guilt of the pain that I caused in some of the dearest people I have ever known.

Some of these loves I have lost went on to live "normal" and productive lives. I have even remained friends with them. What passes between us now is a deep friendship, one that is hard to define but obviously understandable... we have shared life together. When I think about these relationships in retrospect, I am grateful. These are people who allowed me to make serious mistakes- even to hurt them in the worst kinds of ways-- and had the inner strength and grace to not only forgive me but move on and still give me this beautiful, undeserved kindness. These people helped form who I am today and by allowing me the freedom to make serious mistakes but still love me, gave me a wonderful witness of Christ-likeness in their behavior-- even the ones who are not, and never have been, Christians.

But there are others. Though they also helped form who I am, these others haunt me and the thought of them makes my stomach turn and my heart beat anxiously. These are the people I know I will answer to God for in my final hours, whose suffering faces I can not forget. These are people I hurt and who never recovered, or who recovered only superficially. These are people who are broken because of my actions and lack of love and selfishness. Some of these faces are the faces of people I was in a direct relationship with. Others of them are people who were in relationships with people I developed a sexual relationship with. All of these people are hurt, directly, in some way, because of me, and don't have a relationship with God to shed light into those dark places in their heart and psyche and to warm and heal them.

Because purity wasn't on my moral radar, my soul became fragmented. Because purity wasn't on my moral radar, I harmed people and left them to rot in their sadness.

At the time, it was so easy to justify what I was doing. I loved deeply, and then, one day-- the next day, in some cases, I'm embarrassed to say--  I simply didn't love deeply.

In retrospect, I think my French and American backgrounds combined to create a perfect storm in me: My inner French girl--  deeply romantic and interested in the seduction game, accepting of sexuality as a whole part of myself, and on the other hand my inner American girl--a creature of excess, of blacks and whites, of hypocrisy and of idolized stoic morality, and of stepping on the little guys to get to the top of the power ladder regardless of convention or tradition or obligation.

On the other hand, maybe I was just.... lonely. I can't fully explain it. And I can't say I've always come out "on top" either--- I can think of a few relationships that left me weeping and mourning in the dust. But by and large, I've been responsible for way too many heartbreaks, and my past is a story of love lost and hearts broken.

Nothing wounds like love. Khalil Gibran, in my favorite poem on love, says:

"When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep,
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you."
  

 I have often heard Christian testimonies given when people talk about how they were empty or sad or "looking for something" when they met God. Many talk about how having had a long string of relationships meant that they were seeking what God had to offer. Though I can understand that, it wasn't my experience. I felt full and overflowing when I met God and came face to face with him for the first time. I was not looking for him, and I did not feel that I was visibly in unrest... I felt content with myself, my life, and my relationships at the time.

But on the night I met Him--- really met Him-- face to face, He spoke through people directly to my soul and addressed those broken parts in me... not the parts that knew I wasn't fully loved, though they were there, but the parts that knew I had lacked in love.... the parts that knew I had done harm. This caused a great, heaving shift in me. It CREATED unrest. Discomfort. and a place I can only describe as..... a wound. But picking at that scab, I realized that what was under there was a festering, horrible, deep, dangerous mess that had always been there and that I had been completely ignorant of until that night. I needed God.

Reflecting back, it was in that moment that I saw my selfishness for what it was, in all its ugliness. And most of my Christian walk since that night has been an attempt to go back to the fullness of that revelation and to turn from it-- to make the change that I knew that night needed to be made.

The effects of those hurts, magnified by the fact that not only my heart and soul but my body had been "united" with these people (and in some cases, not really my heart, but only my body-- the vessel which carries my heart and soul!) have impacted my marriage in every way.

My husband has had a very different experience of past relationships, as he always "knew" that he was destined to marry one woman and remain with her. I can't believe that woman was me, because the difference in our approaches to love mean that just by virtue of having lived the way I have, I have harmed and wounded him in the most painful of ways. And yet he loves me!

He is and always has been much more pure than I am, and I am grateful for his example and his ability to understand that all things are fleeting in this world-- something I always wish I understood more deeply.

As I watch parents near me parent their children, particularly their teenaged children (I don't really like the term "teenager.") I am constantly reflecting about these issues. In some families, chastity is greatly valued and teenagers, though anticipating and experiencing their first "love" experiences, are so motivated and prepared to wait --to  wait for the one prepared for them.
In other families, "significant others" are encouraged, or at least accepted. They become a part of the
fabric of the family. Breakups are felt by the whole family. I still have "other mothers" and "other fathers," "other siblings" that I can't shake. They are a part of me too.

Looking at it this way, it seems obvious why God would ask people to wait. Wait to build a relationship and bond until your wedding day-- the day you stand before God and man and say: forever, through thick and thin. Wait for union and for your turn to taste the pleasures of the flesh the way God ordained it. Wait because every action you take in the other direction runs the risk of remaining with you and a part of you forever as well.

There are eyes and hands I saw and felt, an Italian accent in a deep voice that fascinated me on a long plane ride home one year and that I never again encountered, but that will stay with me forever. There is a Polish boy I once shared a scooter ride, a beer and a postcard exchange with who stopped me in my tracks for a time, and a Turkish boy in Germany with haunting eyes and the sweetest smile. There was a Swedish boy who welcomed me into his family and even moved across the world for me. Good ol' American boys, heavy drinkers and happy partiers, or thoughtful, quiet, artistic ones, who I have loved and walked away from. There are French boys with hearts warm with sun and laughter I can never forget, the sound of whose scooters along the gravel path above me I listened for longingly each night from my bedroom window... until I didn't. There are Irish boys, and Australian boys. Arab boys. Jewish boys. Boys I have camped with, traveled with, or gone to school with. Boys in passing vehicles or walking near me with whom I have shared the most intimate of glances. I can never forget any of them. If I apply myself, not even one.

They grew up to be men-- the ones who still have breath in them, and to form families of their own, just as I have, and to be haunted by their pasts, just as I have been. When those families have fallen apart I have often heard from them and the sound of their reaching is a comfort to me I know comes from the most sinful part of my fleshly nature-- the part that desires consolation, but not to console. They give my heart an easy escape, but it is an illusion, because behind each door is the exact same cage: a prison called Giving.

And no amount of declaring those bonds broken, of the handing over of these relationships to Jesus,  will ever erase the memory of them or the lessons that were learned, or the pain seared into me or them whenever our names or faces pop up on my facebook feed or in my dreams or nightmares or in my home or marriage bed. No amount of knowing the wrongness of them will ever make them wrong, because God placed those desires and feelings within us knowing where they COULD lead us, how they would help us to choose now whom we will serve, to declare that "as for me, and my family, we will serve the Lord."

These encounters were wrong because God declares them so, but His declaration is not because they were "bad" but because I am bad.  I have evil inclinations bound up within the good I am capable of-- because I am fallen. Because I am not pure, though I am capable of purity.
Because I am not loving, although I am capable of love.

Because I am not able to do this living and loving thing on my own-- only with the help of God can the voices of these others be released from me so that I am free to focus on the thing I am here, doing: loving my husband, loving my children--- a family which is so holy and pure, a family which my baggage has often overwhelmed and which has somehow, some way, loved me anyways because they know that Giving has another name, too: and that name is Freedom.

And so my "others" haunt me, but they also free me. And so by having loved them, I am able to REALLY love another. And so by having loved them, I am able to acknowledge what real love is and what it isn't.  When my marriage has been hard, I have often asked myself if I would be happier with an "other." What would our lives be like? Would we argue and struggle as much as this? Although I cannot say, I do know that every human relationship will have moments of glory and moments of pure hell. I do know that entering, and remaining, in a human relationship has a cost-- none more great than Marriage. I do know that that cost becomes more easy to bear when one has not tasted of the wonders that these others have to offer. I do know that everything we do--- each passing, loaded glance, each word we speak, each piece of our heart we choose to share or choose to keep to ourselves must be purified by the Word of God so that it might bear good fruit... because in the words of Khalil Gibran, through love:

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

2013 Term I Daily Routine and Reading Schedule

   Appian Way Academy Term 1 2013

You never can tell

You Never Can Tell
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

You never can tell when you send a word,
Like an arrow shot from a bow
By an archer blind, be it cruel or kind,
Just where it may chance to go!


It may pierce the breast of your dearest friend,
Tipped with its poison or balm;
To a stranger's heart in life's great mart,
It may carry its pain or its calm.


* * * * *

You never can tell when you do an act
Just what the result will be;
But with every deed you are sowing a seed,
Though the harvest you may not see.


Each kindly act is an acorn dropped
In God's productive soil.
You may not know, but the tree shall grow,
With shelter for those who toil.


* * * * *

You never can tell what your thoughts will do,
In bringing you hate or love;
For thoughts are things, and their airy wings
Are swifter than carrier doves.
They follow the law of the universe,
Each thing must create its kind;
And they speed o'er the track to bring you back
Whatever went out from your mind.

Mind and matter: The freedom to love

Recently, I've been reading with great interest all of the parenting posts online of people making headway with children suffering from very challenging disorders. From adhd to sensory issues and autism, oppositional defiance disorder to hypersensitivity and anxiety disorders... it seems they are everywhere we turn and I often fear in my own household as well.

It is hard to sort out my feelings about how to handle these incredibly difficult experiences. I wholeheartedly believe that professional counseling, diet changes, and close professional monitoring are often necessary. But I also believe in the healing power of Our Lord to help these children -- and their parents-- overcome.

A wise old friend, priest exorcist, and mentor to me who has a higher education in psychology AND  theology once told me something that really hit me.
He said--
"In a sense, psychology is really a necessary bunch of hooey. Necessary, but psychology will never save us. The practice of psychology essentially gives a name to a symptom. It categorizes, it notices, it points out. But the work of healing must be done within, no person receiving psychotherapy is healed by the psychologist, but by God."

I think it is helpful to look at clusters of symptoms, to listen to the experiences of others who seem to experience them, to speak about them regularly with someone, and to examine oneself.

More useful are two things:
(1) Unconditional love and acceptance, respect and human dignity
(2) a good example.

I'm coming to realize that this is the only way to parent, and the only way to evangelize... and the only way to disciple.

I'm also starting to realize just how much craftier Satan is than I had ever, ever thought (and believe me, I've thought and thought because I worked in deliverance ministry for years.)

You see, part of the inheritance we receive from our bloodline includes genetic weaknesses... tendencies. Sometimes they have to do with obvious sins like alcoholism or rebelliousness. Other times with inherited issues surrounding neurotransmitters or organ formation.... but some of these can be spiritual too.

In my first day of psychology, I learned that some of us are "born" with the seed for certain issues, but that no one really understands when / why they get activated and begin to grow. Studies do show that a person with a certain chemical tendency in the brain, given the right environment, may never experience its effects. Studies also show that given the WRONG environment, even a person who suffers from NO SUCH genetic pre-disposition can and WILL develop said issue. It seems to me, then, that the best solution is and always will be to begin with infancy and to watch over our children.

When Charlotte Mason said "education is a discipline, an atmosphere and a life...." she was NOT kidding! We cannot let go for one instant. At the same time, we WILL fail, of course, at providing the perfect atmosphere and discipline. Not only because we will sin ourselves, but because ultimately we cannot control some kinds of input. Our children will see, hear, eat, observe all kinds of things that we would rater they not at some point, and our vigilance can only go so far.

That's where the Will of God comes in-- those difficulties which He in His infinite wisdom allows us to experience despite our best attempts at vigilance. We must accept them as the will of God for our lives and embrace the sanctifying suffering which they cause us.

This is why we confess our own sins, and not the sins of others. This is why when a person wants an exorcism, we begin by reminding them that the best exorcism in the world will fail when you do not have a penitent spirit. This is why, on the other hand, a baby who is baptized (and therefore exorcised, as the rite of baptism contains an exorcism) is instantly healed of original sin, and why food that is blessed becomes blessed.

It is also why a psychologist in a therapeutic setting will lead a person through painful/traumatic experiences and ask him to examine them in light of truth. Naturally, for us, truth is not objective! We have a rock on which to stand.

When we look at ways we have been wounded and accept that these experiences were wounding, but that Jesus heals us and that we are called to forgive and to fight with all our might against our OWN sins, we may not need any further assistance.

But when our hearts become closed to this idea... when we begin to feel justified in our violence and unforgiveness and wrong reactions and in our anger and bitterness and hurt.... THAT is when a mental imbalance begins to develop and strengthen. It is also when a physical imbalance can be begin to develop and strengthen--- and even a spiritual imbalance.

Were we justified to experience anger and resentment and paralyzing fear when we were abused as a child? These are natural responses to such a horrific act, and no one in their right mind would blame us for having them. But is there a better way? Is there a path of peace, and if so, how can we find our footing along it? Psychology offers us some insight, but only theology offers us the answers. Those who appear healed without God will find that they may have been "saved" from a suffering which was intended to give them a real, and deeper salvation.

Sin is messy and ugly, and the working out of our own salvation (Phil 2:12) is rough, difficult work.
Like childbirth, it involves pain so bad we don't think we will live through it, and an inner strengthening which can come only from above.

So psychology is extremely helpful, but it does not always provide the focus we might need.
Before I studied psychology or returned to the Church, I was surrounded by people who were FORMER psychiatrists and psychologists-- people who had ceased to practice because of their Christian faith. They felt like frauds, essentially, keeping people from the Gospel, and were adamant about the work of healing belonging to the Holy Spirit. I learned very much from these people and I still hold them in very high esteem. I watched some of the most challenging cases find healing and peace through their interactions, and I cannot deny that what they said would happen... did. And that people were better off and at peace.

When I returned to the Church, it was a confusing time for me. No longer sure of the path God had put me on, I realized quickly that there was no room for me in the ministry of exorcism of the Church in a professional kind of way. In the Catholic Church, the only exorcists are Catholic priests. At the same time, I KNEW that I had prayed with people and that the demonic torments they were experiencing had left them. So I couldn't deny that. It was one of the hinge-issues that kept me from embracing a full return immediately. Fortunately, a wise priest once explained to me: "just because you CAN, doesn't always mean you SHOULD." Ahhhh.

I began to see that I had been very foolish as a protestant in deliverance ministry, and had only been protected from evil by God's ocean of mercy. I never really experienced the kind of mind boggling, bone-chilling (I SO know the root of that expression now!), horrifying and subtle evil-with-a-capital-E until I returned to the Church. That's when, it seemed, my pride was exposed for what it really was to me.... because whereas before I had been sure of myself and sure of God's ability to deliver, I had also been both telling God what to do and telling the person how they should respond. I had been completely unaware of these things as I did them-- I really thought I was doing what was best. But it was revealed to me very quickly that my former actions had been prideful, self-centered in many ways, and also narrow-minded. God's plan includes a far greater purpose than just "feeling good." It involves holiness, and sanctification. Nothing less than our pruning and perfecting.

I met people who were "doing all the right things" by Christian standards, and yet who simply could not "achieve" deliverance. At first I thought that these must be signs of the profound evil-ness of Catholicity, and I wondered if I had been deceived into returning. But then I began to notice that these suffering people were experiencing something I had never really seen from the scores of people who were delivered in the settings I was used to before and freed to walk away. These suffering people were holy. And holiness was something oft talked about in my circles before, but not often seen.

Within the Church, I was at first so amazed and frustrated to find that we always had to consult psychologists first to help people. It seemed so secular and unspiritual. I felt psychologists couldn't possibly help anyone in a really LASTING kind of way. And because of that, I felt that any child suffering from any type of disorder was really in need of nothing but a prayer and a good talking to.

But over time, although I vehemently disagree with many Bishops, including my own, in their stance on the ministry of exorcism (For you shocked Catholics--- I'm looking to Peter, always my eyes on Peter, and he has never let me down. ;) ) I have found that psychology is a useful tool to help pinpoint certain characteristics and concepts that lead us to root causes. In modern usage, a Bishop requests that a complete psychiatric evaluation be undertaken before the rite of exorcism is approved. Further, the Rite of Exorcism is ONLY approved if one of six super-natural signs (things like levitating or knowledge of something the person cannot have knowledge of) are present. This is "prudence." Now, most exorcists I have met live extremely lonely lives. They walk between two worlds, and no one wants what they have-- not even themselves.
They are also some of the holiest and most prayerful people I know. AND the most mentally taxed. I pray for them daily, and you should too.
I don't know a single exorcist who thinks that any harm would come to a person who WASN'T suffering from possession having been exorcised. The general consensus among them is that evil is present in the world and we must root it out and combat it, particularly when it hides. This whole cautionary craziness is all about fear... mostly fear of scandal, they assert.
At the same time, there is wisdom in the precautionary attitude.
While the Rite of Exorcism serves to literally command a demon to go from hidden to visible so that it can be dealt with accordingly, psychology serves to root out a sin so that it can be faced, or to root out a biological tendency that needs addressing which may be the result of evolutionary conditioning (years upon years of sinful behaviors that produce long term results).

And  this gift is oft neglected, although I know that as a protestant I was SURE that I was incorporating it into my ministry.

As a totally random example-- there is now a disorder called exploding head syndrome. Scientists noticed that many people reported waking up suddenly with extremely heightened physiological awareness that they were in danger, having heard a door slam, for example, that they realized had never slammed when they woke up. They behave physically as if they are in life-threatening danger (heavy breathing, heart pounding, adrenaline pumping), but everything is calm and peaceful when they awake. Some people experience it once a lifetime. Others several times a night.

Scientists can now pinpoint the exact part of the brain that is activated when Exploding Head Syndrome occurs. They have named it, named the disorder, and done studies to correlate lifestyle choices and genetic situations which make it more common than for others. They have done studies and found medications which can limit the number of experiences or at least slow down the active parts of the brain that cause it.

But science STOPS there. It cannot tell you WHY a person experiences exploding head syndrome and it cannot tell you WHAT activated this pinpoint in the brain. It cannot explain the activity in the physical brain matter at the time, only say that it. is. there.

Now, in my personal life, I have met many people who complained of Exploding Head Syndrome and many other strange disorders besides. And though I am not a psychologist, with the help of my own mentors and teachers and by the grace of God I have been able to help them. And how? By doing the above:

(1) Unconditional love and acceptance, respect and human dignity (2) a good example.

Obviously, the only key that truly unlocked what they needed was prayer. Obviously it was through prayer that God moved and that they agreed to accept Him and that they were healed. But the real deliverance happens when a person accepts that there is a better way than sin!

At the same time, I'll tell you a secret--- in all those years in deliverance ministry and then in the Catholic Church helping people who were in need of exorcisms and priest exorcists and Bishops communicate, I have found that some people appear to be simply beyond deliverance. Neither doctors nor medicine, nor priests nor prayer, have been able to help them. For some people, the Exploding Head Syndrome doesn't stop. The nervous tics, the uncontrollable impulses, the compulsive behaviors, the voices.... they won't let up. In those people, some medicated, some not, I have found two reactions: either peace, or panic.

I know countless people who have been failed by both psychology and the Church. They lie, rotting in hospitals without help, and their screams are ignored. They are kept sedated and quieted by force. My heart aches for them, and I pray for them daily.

There are others, though, who have shown a different way is possible.

I know a woman who suffers tremendously from schizophrenia. Medicated or not, she cannot find quiet from the voices in her head. She has had exorcisms to no avail, she has had psychotherapy and even hospitalization. Nothing. When I met her, she was terrifying to me. Today, she still hears the voices and still suffers from schizophrenia.
She is also the proud, happy mother of three beautiful and well-adjusted children, wife to a kind and wonderful man, and generally a very happy and well-faring person. How? Because she knows JESUS.

She knows the power of God over her visions and voices and evil thoughts.. She has experienced his deliverance over the issues of her body and soul. At the same time, she accepts her cross--- His will for her life--- and she has spoken to Him about it extensively. Daily she gets up and receives strength and light to face her unusual journey. And daily He delivers, although she is not like you and me. Her insight and wisdom are attractive to all who meet her. And her peace is profound.

This is how I always want to look at disorder and mental illness. I want to remember that there are two choices for each of us: peace, or panic. And to walk the way of Peace, with the Prince of Peace.
And I want to remember that in my interactions with others, whether they be my own children or the children of others exhibiting strange and difficult disorders of the mind and body..... there are really only two things I can do besides pray:

I can love without limits.
I can lead to my Lord.
Amen.

Family integrated worship

I often hear mothers complain that it is impossible to get children to be quiet in church, or conversely, who believe it is possible but cry out in desperation when time and again they suffer through mass. I also hear many different solutions offered from well-meaning parents that include deep pressure massage, hugs, patiently waiting for childhood to pass, snacks, coloring books, a bag of quiet toys, and other distractions. I have even heard some people  recommend pinching them to get them to snap back to attention(!)

The solution that I have found was not easy to implement, but once I began, I did not stop. Committed, I struggled through about six months of constant frustration on my end as I adjusted to having my kids WITH me and not being able to focus on worship the way I had been accustomed. In the beginning, it was a great struggle, because it required that I remain completely collected and calm, that I address every infraction but seem to be immersed and busy in worship, that I allowed no peep to come from their lips and that every blessed moment of my time in Divine Liturgy be simultaneously engaged in adoration of God and the deep trenches of motherhood where fear and panic and desperation often lurk.

Along the way, little things convinced me that that keeping them with me was the right thing to do. Even before my return to the Church, I felt guilty putting them in children's church. I knew they were playing and coloring pictures and not in worship. I knew they weren't seeing me and their father worship and thus not gleaning the importance of it from us. Even when they went to children's church or the nursery guilt free---- I started to notice that they got sick. EVERY TIME. And the cycle was exhausting. One day, my husband decided we were going to attend a church that simply didn't HAVE a childen's nursery. I had a moment of panic, but also recognized the value of what I was being asked to undertake. Motivated by Charlotte Mason's motto for her students, I breathed in deep and said under my breath: I can, I am, I ought, and I will.It was time.

Determined to stick it out until it was DONE and they were trained, I endeavored to do the only three things I knew to do:

1. Expect them to behave. I knew they were capable, because I had been to churches where I had met children who behaved. I had seen neat rows of families with mother on one end and father on the other end and children who listened and were reverent and wore matching clothes with brushed hair. I had stared at those families with awe and wonder and a hushed sense of the sacred Presence while my own beasts wriggled and squealed and hollered and bit pews and worked on stealing the pencils and tearing apart the hymnals. I knew it COULD be done and I determined to expect that my little monkeys were just as capable as any other children. I also sat right in the front, to ensure that they could see and be a part of what was happening. Sitting in the front also puts the pressure on. People can see us.

2. Ignore their attempts to lure me into conversation and attention-giving during liturgy. Every attempt they made to talk to me was met with a swift "Shhhhh" and a redirection towards the front. I used the same theory I use at night with my babies: Don't turn on the light, don't make eye contact, no noise. Even trips to the bathroom were swift, unconversational, and non-interactive. Mass is only one hour long. It seemed to me that anyone-- even a toddler or a pregnant mother-- could forego water or snacks during that hour. No food. No drinks. No books. No toys. No games. Just Liturgy. That was the plan.

3. Address bad habits immediately. I didn't want my kids to drop things and make noise, and I knew that if they had things to hold... they inevitably WOULD because that's what kids do. So I didn't give them coloring books or snacks or toys. I didn't give them books or children's missals because I knew they would read them instead of paying attention. I explained my expectation, and I trained them in it at home whenever I had the opportunity to (for example, when we pray the liturgy of the hours together in the morning and at night.) If I saw that a child was particularly unruly I was not beyond taking them out, but when I took them out I made the experience as horrid and bland as possible. If perchance I was forced to take out an unruly one year old (that's the hardest age because they are still so young but also so loud) we would just stare at a wall for a few moments til they realized liturgy was more interesting. I didn't let them get down and run around, play, or run in the narthex. As soon as they were reasonably quiet again, we would return to our seat.

Our reasoning for the solution I determined to use is that we are a Charlotte Mason education family. CM believed wholeheartedly that kids could rise to the occasion when we expected more of them and treated them with respect. She was pro-parental authority (the parent sets the standard) but also pro-respect of the child as a person with rights and the capacity to do well.
She never manipulated, used love or fear, etc to motivate the child, but rather believed that parents should model good behavior themselves and train in good habits from the beginning-- and not allow bad habits to ever take place in the first place.
In other words, if we don't eat or draw in church, there is no reason a kid should, so from the beginning we expect and train the child to pay attention without using fear or love or bribes or manipulation as a tactic. They catch on very quickly---- and although I still have to take my one year old to the back from time to time, even she understands to lower her voice and sit still during the one hour we are at mass, and I am quite certain that if I never let her get in the habit of doing anything else it will stay that way.

Also, habits come by practice. Because we pray the liturgy of the hours as a family and they are also required to sit still and be attentive at that time, it isn't a foreign situation when we go to mass.

In the beginning, it worked pretty well, but there were still struggles, particularly when I was alone with the kids (my husband is often gone).
One day, my husband said to me, rather harshly, that though I was doing a good job, I was still enabling any bad behavior that came from them because I paid so much attention to it.
Calm redirection, he told me, was ALWAYS better than any reaction I was having.

Watching him with my children from the back while I rock a sleepy, loud, baby has sometimes been funny. I have seen the kids get to all sorts of shennanigans behind his back as he worships, but ultimately, they have been quiet, which is the main goal, and undistracting to all but ME, which is the other goal.

The hardest moment in my mothering came when I felt that I had finally arrived-- as per the above-- and that I could now rest in the peace of knowing that I had done a good job. In the car on the way home from mass one day I casually mentioned it to my husband and mentioned in a joking matter how glad I was for my quiet times of prayer at home when I could really HEAR God.
To my shock and surprise, he chastised me heavily for not paying attention during mass.

At first, I felt this was completely unfair--- I was supposed to keep everybody under control, excel at that AND find a way to listen??? But then I realized that he was more than able to do so.
I determined from that day to do even better, and though I haven't "arrived" yet I can say that I am now both able to keep our kids quiet and attentive AND am able to narrate the homily and say that I was able to pray during liturgy. It truly is a glorious level of peace we reach when we get to this stage in our motherhood.

I have strong feelings that this is a skill that REALLY helps children to grow both in confidence in themselves and in their relationship with Jesus. I also have strong feelings that it's an important skill to teach them because I am a firefighter's wife, and my kids have had to represent him by behaving well both at funerals and award ceremonies where misbehaving children are seen with much less empathy than the kids that act up during mass where people at least are thinking: "I'm glad they are there." Because we have insisted that they can, will, and ought to behave and pay attention during mass, they can represent their father in public events like that and truly give honor to the person being honored (in the case of Mass-- to Jesus!) and that makes my heart so happy.

I am praying for all of you who have not yet found the "perfect" solution to get them to pay attention, as it is such a valuable life skill. God reward all of you for your faithfulness to keep trying although it is -- as I well know--- a very, very difficult task.

Please do not think I am sitting here with my feet up and all the answers--- I too struggle when my younger children have decided to misbehave on any given day. But I do have peace, because I know what to do, and my intention in writing this is not to say that I am better than you or that my kids are better than your kids, but rather to share that peace and the means by which it came. As far as I'm concerned, all is grace. These ideas came from the example of holy mothers who have gone before and are the fruit of hours spent in tears in the bathroom holding an unruly child.

Incidentally, my mother in law still pulls out her organizer and writes notes in church and passes them around to people in the pews. She is in her sixties.

Train up a child in the way that he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6

CM Principles 3 & 4

Today's principles are a hot topic and a favorite parenting device of mine.

3. The principles of authority on the one hand, and of obedience on the other, are natural, necessary and fundamental; but--
4. These principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.

I am firmly convinced that principles 3 and 4 cannot really be separated in that though we can focus on one, we always need to keep it in the context of the other, so I determined to put them both together in my own study of the 20 Principles.

This question has been heavy on my mind much lately as I re-evaluate my parenting techniques and styles which have evolved tremendously since the days of having just one little one.

Growing up in parenthood in Christian circles, we all passed around the same books. You know the ones--  the ones that you mention on a facebook status and lose friends over. The ones that have upwards of 5 000 negative reviews on amazon from grumpy hippies with hilarious screen names like gentlemama or heartsong. The ones I recently read that some of my friends who are into attachment parenting actually go to the bookstore and move around so that no one else will chance upon them and read them. o.O

The fundamental issue at stake in the hatred of those well-intentioned books is a philosophy of parenting revolving around teaching the child to become others-centered rather than the entire family being subject to the child's whims.

And there is one majorly "controversial element" involved-- the act of SPANKING, a topic which my husband has forever banned me from discussing on my blog or in other social media because the very fact that I approve of the use of spanking and was willing to say so on my blog once got CPS sent to our door (what a world.) So, by the way, did Charlotte Mason.

So instead of talking about the logistics of spanking, we'll let the bad guys win here and talk about the reason those kinds of books elicit that kind of response... because very rarely do  we hear from anyone that discipline and training and guidance are CRITICAL to the education of a Child. Modern blogs, articles, classes and educators focus extensively on the need for kindness, empathy, affection, "attachment" etc... But rarely training. And that is where they go wrong.

In my experience, those things go without saying to those of us who feel motherhood is the highest calling, and to those of who regularly try to live our lives anchored on a rock who is Love-Come-Down-to-be-with-Us. Therefore books written by and for Christians of the sort I described above don't actually spend much time on these topics-- instead focusing on the methodology of training and correction.

When people who DON'T have the mindset of truly embracing motherhood and our families pick these books up, they find them jarring and horrific. They see only harsh words and "mean" ideas. In a word... they see abuse. Thus, especially in American circles where we wander through the land of Either/Or, the Mommy Wars continue.

And I have been guilty! Oh how I have been guilty. Only recently has God really granted me the grace to see that in many ways I was perpetuating the problem instead of focusing on the obvious through common ground, through focus on what's right and true and beautiful.

So it was refreshing for me to note that  here in these pages, CM develops for us a vision of parenthood which is very balanced and addresses both sides.

3. The principles of authority on the one hand, and of obedience on the other, are natural, necessary and fundamental; but--

(in other words, it should go without saying that children are to learn obedience, that they are subordinate to the parents in their parental authority, etc.)

AND

4. These principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.

 

(in other words, it should go without saying that children are persons and should be treated with human dignity.)

One hallmark of a Charlotte Mason education is that we neither manipulate, threaten, coerce, or otherwise force children into compliance. Instead, we expect and we model. We train in habits.... and we watch them rise to the occasion.

This type of parenting is not for the faint of heart, because it requires that we live what we preach, and that we accept our own limitation and work on them. It requires that we find a source of patience and strength outside of ourselves. And it also requires that we remember our calling: our vocation to education.

As outspoken as I am against attachment parenting as a cultural norm, I stumbled across this blog last night and found myself nodding in agreement with all of her points... these are the things which people need to hear and reflect on. The author, like most Attachment fans,  focuses entirely too much on feelings, a subject which I won't touch on here. Suffice to say that our feelings should not rule our world.
That being said.... her points are so relevant to the ideas we are discussing here, and some are things which I've had to learn by experience and which I wish were included more often in my "so now you're a mom" type tutorials.

Once you've all recovered from the fact that I just posted a link to a super pro-attachment parenting blog, you can laugh with me and enjoy the CM-centered peace that comes from leaving the so-called mommy wars behind. They are over. They are useless.

Mothering is always right so long as we are doing the best we can AND at the same time acknowledging that we are not doing the best we can. Period.

CM is really good at giving a general vision or a sense of how things should be.  And when it comes to curriculum or methodology in education, she can be very specific. But in this case, she does not provide all that much in the way of practical examples.

So what are we to do?
Hint: when she repeats herself over and over.... it's gonna be on the test. ;)

1. Get your self in order. (In Vol I, p 15 she mentions allowing the child to see that you also are law-compelled and that we can offend children by disregarding laws of health, intellect, morality, and need for love.)

2. Train in good habits and never let a bad habit slip past. When you have, retrain with great attention and patience, redirecting as often as needed.

3. Allow law to ensure liberty. Once the child demonstrates a reasonable amount of proper response and effort, allow him the freedom to enjoy his liberty.

4. Do not make many rules, and do not give a command you don't intend to see through to the end. This prevents us from being overbearing but also from being wishy-washy pushovers. (Dr Ray Guerendi said something to the effect of leaving a child alone to do as he will unless he is infringing upon the rights of others and/or likely to hurt himself. These are good guidelines.)

5. Punishment by consequences, particularly natural ones, is very effective.

6. Be good-natured, and have confidence in the children's ability to respond to this training. Don't be anxious, domineering, interfering, or demanding.

7. Keep at it patiently until you see SELF-discipline in your child. Self-discipline is the only kind of discipline that works.

With those in mind, I believe you are equipped to follow principles 3 and 4.

More missions goodness!

we want YOU to learn the faith!

Suddenly, I am feeling so encouraged!!

After the missionary conversation I had with my children the other day, my kids wanted to talk about it more over lunch. They said they understood WHY the Church needs missionaries, but what they wanted to know was how to do it. So,  I asked them what they could do to be better at fulfilling the mission Pope Francis gave us all when he said:

 "We need to avoid the spiritual sickness of a church that is wrapped up in its own world: when a church becomes like this, it grows sick. It is true that going out on to the street implies the risk of accidents happening, as they would to any ordinary man or woman. But if the church stays wrapped up in itself, it will age. And if I had to choose between a wounded church that goes out on to the streets and a sick, withdrawn church, I would definitely choose the first one."

The kids went as far as to get a piece of paper and to write / draw down a plan for how we would fulfill the mission better. Many of the things they talked about we already do, but there were fresh and new and good ideas in there that encouraged me a great deal.

They determined we were called to be missionaries in four ways.

The first, they said, was that we were supposed to pray and study ourselves,  and teach people to pray and study. So they set a specific time each day for our prayer times so that we wouldn't skip over them anymore (we often don't get around to evening prayer, for example, because we just forget).

They planned a family dinner/rosary night like we have had before with loved ones, and a family-only night to restore us(!)

The plan they came up with looked like this:

1. We go to mass and confession every week and invite people to come with us.
2. We say morning prayer (they chose 7 am "because by then everyone is kind of awake"), evening prayer (5 pm "because it's before dinner") and their father and I say night prayer (10 pm "before you go to bed.")  If people are over, we agreed,  the more the merrier.
3. We have dinner-and-a-rosary parties on Wednesdays and Saturdays and invite friends to participate whenever we can.
4. We have our regular family shabbat night, reserved for our own family and close relations when possible, where we talk about family business, bless each other and enjoy each other and pray for each other.
5. We spend time studying the faith every day, alone and together, and with others whenever we can.

I was amazed at their insight, and how they outlined many of the same goals I have tried to set for our family. But then it got better!

The second part, they said, was to do acts of mercy in our neighborhood. I, of course, agreed. The Church recommends that when we do good works, we use the following guidelines:

The 7 Corporal Works of Mercy
To feed the hungry
To give drink to the thirsty
To clothe the naked
To shelter the homeless
To visit the sick
To visit the imprisoned
To bury the dead

7 Spiritual Works of Mercy
To counsel the doubtful
To instruct the ignorant
To admonish the sinner
To comfort the sorrowful
To forgive all injuries
To bear wrongs patiently
To pray for the living and the dead

 Parts two and three of their plan involved good works and discipleship. They decided that each of us would have an assigned job in the community and that we would serve in that way. As a homeschooling family, we take education very seriously, and create educational pathways for those in our community at every opportunity. Also, their daddy is a firefighter/EMT, their mommy a student-midwife, my oldest wants to babysit for people and teach art lessons, my five year old said he wanted to do yard work for people and paint, and my three year old said she would be a storyteller for the littlest people.  As if that wasn't amazing enough, they each then identified a "friend" in their lives that they could have over regularly to help them grow in their walk with Jesus. They told me their friends' names, and how often they felt they should see them and what they would do together. Then they told me that "daddy and mommy's job was to do that for us, first, and then for other people that come over."

The fourth part of their plan was to live simply.
We talked about how missionaries have to be ready to go wherever God calls them, so that just as when we had to pack to go to California, and to France, and brought nothing but God provided everything we needed, so we would have to live very simply and have only what we needed, and God would provide the rest. I asked them what they thought constituted our "needs."
Some clothes (they got as specific as to tell me what types and styles to keep and which ones to get rid of... hooray for our plan to dump stuff!!) some books for school and work, and some DVDs "that teach people things." They decided to get rid of all their toys except a few dolls and---- get this---- a box of costumes so they could teach bible stories and the lives of the saints. (BRILLIANT!) They also mentioned eating small meals regularly so that we would have enough money to buy great foods to serve the people that came over on feast days...something I've never discussed with them that is in my personal plan.

All in all, an amazing child-led conversation that ended up inspiring me. Surprise! From the mouths of babes...

Mission - a requirement of the Church's catholicity

849 The missionary mandate. "Having been divinely sent to the nations that she might be 'the universal sacrament of salvation,' the Church, in obedience to the command of her founder and because it is demanded by her own essential universality, strives to preach the Gospel to all men":[339] "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you; and Lo, I am with you always, until the close of the age."[340]

850 The origin and purpose of mission. The Lord's missionary mandate is ultimately grounded in the eternal love of the Most Holy Trinity: "The Church on earth is by her nature missionary since, according to the plan of the Father, she has as her origin the mission of the Son and the Holy Spirit."[341] The ultimate purpose of mission is none other than to make men share in the communion between the Father and the Son in their Spirit of love.[342]

851 Missionary motivation. It is from God's love for all men that the Church in every age receives both the obligation and the vigor of her missionary dynamism, "for the love of Christ urges us on."[343] Indeed, God "desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth";[344] that is, God wills the salvation of everyone through the knowledge of the truth. Salvation is found in the truth. Those who obey the prompting of the Spirit of truth are already on the way of salvation. But the Church, to whom this truth has been entrusted, must go out to meet their desire, so as to bring them the truth. Because she believes in God's universal plan of salvation, the Church must be missionary.

852 Missionary paths. The Holy Spirit is the protagonist, "the principal agent of the whole of the Church's mission."[345] It is he who leads the Church on her missionary paths. "This mission continues and, in the course of history, unfolds the mission of Christ, who was sent to evangelize the poor; so the Church, urged on by the Spirit of Christ, must walk the road Christ himself walked, a way of poverty and obedience, of service and self-sacrifice even to death, a death from which he emerged victorious by his resurrection."[346] So it is that "the blood of martyrs is the seed of Christians."[347]

853 On her pilgrimage, the Church has also experienced the "discrepancy existing between the message she proclaims and the human weakness of those to whom the Gospel has been entrusted."[348] Only by taking the "way of penance and renewal," the "narrow way of the cross," can the People of God extend Christ's reign.[349] For "just as Christ carried out the work of redemption in poverty and oppression, so the Church is called to follow the same path if she is to communicate the fruits of salvation to men."[350]

854 By her very mission, "the Church . . . travels the same journey as all humanity and shares the same earthly lot with the world: she is to be a leaven and, as it were, the soul of human society in its renewal by Christ and transformation into the family of God."[351] Missionary endeavor requires patience. It begins with the proclamation of the Gospel to peoples and groups who do not yet believe in Christ,[352] continues with the establishment of Christian communities that are "a sign of God's presence in the world,"[353] and leads to the foundation of local churches.[354] It must involve a process of inculturation if the Gospel is to take flesh in each people's culture.[355] There will be times of defeat. "With regard to individuals, groups, and peoples it is only by degrees that [the Church] touches and penetrates them and so receives them into a fullness which is Catholic."[356]

855 The Church's mission stimulates efforts towards Christian unity.[357] Indeed, "divisions among Christians prevent the Church from realizing in practice the fullness of catholicity proper to her in those of her sons who, though joined to her by Baptism, are yet separated from full communion with her. Furthermore, the Church herself finds it more difficult to express in actual life her full catholicity in all its aspects."[358]

856 The missionary task implies a respectful dialogue with those who do not yet accept the Gospel.[359] Believers can profit from this dialogue by learning to appreciate better "those elements of truth and grace which are found among peoples, and which are, as it were, a secret presence of God."[360] They proclaim the Good News to those who do not know it, in order to consolidate, complete, and raise up the truth and the goodness that God has distributed among men and nations, and to purify them from error and evil "for the glory of God, the confusion of the demon, and the happiness of man."[361]
-- Catechism of the Catholic Church

All is vanity...

God's been working on me about my vanity and pride lately.

Earlier this morning, I posted a blog explaining our book of centuries, a book I am quite proud of.
Several minutes later, I walked in to find that my three year old, who NEVER does this kind of thing, had decided to completely dismantle, draw on, rip up, and otherwise destroy my Book of Centuries. She is normally so well-behaved and I can trust her around almost anything.... so  I could not have been more surprised to find this. 

Instantly, my inner spirit-person came to life. And I was flooded with the sense that God was speaking directly to my pride.
Holy Spirit spanking! Sigh.
All is vanity..... lest we forget. ;)
Just wanted to share.