CM Principles 3 & 4

Today's principles are a hot topic and a favorite parenting device of mine.

3. The principles of authority on the one hand, and of obedience on the other, are natural, necessary and fundamental; but--
4. These principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.

I am firmly convinced that principles 3 and 4 cannot really be separated in that though we can focus on one, we always need to keep it in the context of the other, so I determined to put them both together in my own study of the 20 Principles.

This question has been heavy on my mind much lately as I re-evaluate my parenting techniques and styles which have evolved tremendously since the days of having just one little one.

Growing up in parenthood in Christian circles, we all passed around the same books. You know the ones--  the ones that you mention on a facebook status and lose friends over. The ones that have upwards of 5 000 negative reviews on amazon from grumpy hippies with hilarious screen names like gentlemama or heartsong. The ones I recently read that some of my friends who are into attachment parenting actually go to the bookstore and move around so that no one else will chance upon them and read them. o.O

The fundamental issue at stake in the hatred of those well-intentioned books is a philosophy of parenting revolving around teaching the child to become others-centered rather than the entire family being subject to the child's whims.

And there is one majorly "controversial element" involved-- the act of SPANKING, a topic which my husband has forever banned me from discussing on my blog or in other social media because the very fact that I approve of the use of spanking and was willing to say so on my blog once got CPS sent to our door (what a world.) So, by the way, did Charlotte Mason.

So instead of talking about the logistics of spanking, we'll let the bad guys win here and talk about the reason those kinds of books elicit that kind of response... because very rarely do  we hear from anyone that discipline and training and guidance are CRITICAL to the education of a Child. Modern blogs, articles, classes and educators focus extensively on the need for kindness, empathy, affection, "attachment" etc... But rarely training. And that is where they go wrong.

In my experience, those things go without saying to those of us who feel motherhood is the highest calling, and to those of who regularly try to live our lives anchored on a rock who is Love-Come-Down-to-be-with-Us. Therefore books written by and for Christians of the sort I described above don't actually spend much time on these topics-- instead focusing on the methodology of training and correction.

When people who DON'T have the mindset of truly embracing motherhood and our families pick these books up, they find them jarring and horrific. They see only harsh words and "mean" ideas. In a word... they see abuse. Thus, especially in American circles where we wander through the land of Either/Or, the Mommy Wars continue.

And I have been guilty! Oh how I have been guilty. Only recently has God really granted me the grace to see that in many ways I was perpetuating the problem instead of focusing on the obvious through common ground, through focus on what's right and true and beautiful.

So it was refreshing for me to note that  here in these pages, CM develops for us a vision of parenthood which is very balanced and addresses both sides.

3. The principles of authority on the one hand, and of obedience on the other, are natural, necessary and fundamental; but--

(in other words, it should go without saying that children are to learn obedience, that they are subordinate to the parents in their parental authority, etc.)

AND

4. These principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.

 

(in other words, it should go without saying that children are persons and should be treated with human dignity.)

One hallmark of a Charlotte Mason education is that we neither manipulate, threaten, coerce, or otherwise force children into compliance. Instead, we expect and we model. We train in habits.... and we watch them rise to the occasion.

This type of parenting is not for the faint of heart, because it requires that we live what we preach, and that we accept our own limitation and work on them. It requires that we find a source of patience and strength outside of ourselves. And it also requires that we remember our calling: our vocation to education.

As outspoken as I am against attachment parenting as a cultural norm, I stumbled across this blog last night and found myself nodding in agreement with all of her points... these are the things which people need to hear and reflect on. The author, like most Attachment fans,  focuses entirely too much on feelings, a subject which I won't touch on here. Suffice to say that our feelings should not rule our world.
That being said.... her points are so relevant to the ideas we are discussing here, and some are things which I've had to learn by experience and which I wish were included more often in my "so now you're a mom" type tutorials.

Once you've all recovered from the fact that I just posted a link to a super pro-attachment parenting blog, you can laugh with me and enjoy the CM-centered peace that comes from leaving the so-called mommy wars behind. They are over. They are useless.

Mothering is always right so long as we are doing the best we can AND at the same time acknowledging that we are not doing the best we can. Period.

CM is really good at giving a general vision or a sense of how things should be.  And when it comes to curriculum or methodology in education, she can be very specific. But in this case, she does not provide all that much in the way of practical examples.

So what are we to do?
Hint: when she repeats herself over and over.... it's gonna be on the test. ;)

1. Get your self in order. (In Vol I, p 15 she mentions allowing the child to see that you also are law-compelled and that we can offend children by disregarding laws of health, intellect, morality, and need for love.)

2. Train in good habits and never let a bad habit slip past. When you have, retrain with great attention and patience, redirecting as often as needed.

3. Allow law to ensure liberty. Once the child demonstrates a reasonable amount of proper response and effort, allow him the freedom to enjoy his liberty.

4. Do not make many rules, and do not give a command you don't intend to see through to the end. This prevents us from being overbearing but also from being wishy-washy pushovers. (Dr Ray Guerendi said something to the effect of leaving a child alone to do as he will unless he is infringing upon the rights of others and/or likely to hurt himself. These are good guidelines.)

5. Punishment by consequences, particularly natural ones, is very effective.

6. Be good-natured, and have confidence in the children's ability to respond to this training. Don't be anxious, domineering, interfering, or demanding.

7. Keep at it patiently until you see SELF-discipline in your child. Self-discipline is the only kind of discipline that works.

With those in mind, I believe you are equipped to follow principles 3 and 4.