Education is a Discipline

Attention to the Will of the Child

The Way of the Will should be taught to Children.––It is something to know what to do with ourselves when we are beset, and the knowledge of this way of the will is so far the secret of a happy life, that it is well worth imparting to the children. Are you cross? Change your thoughts. Are you tired of trying? Change your thoughts. Are you craving for things you are not to have? Change your thoughts;
there is a power within you, your own will, which will enable you to turn your attention from thoughts that make you unhappy and wrong, to thoughts that make you happy and right. And this is the exceedingly simple way in which the will acts; this is the sole secret of the power over himself which the strong man wields––he can compel himself to think of what he chooses, and will not allow himself in thoughts that breed mischief.

Power of Will implies Power of Attention.––But you perceive that, though the will is all-powerful within certain limits, these are but narrow limits after all. Much must go before and along with a vigorous will if it is to be a power in the ruling of conduct. For instance, the man must have acquired the habit of attention, the great importance of which we have already considered. There are bird-witted people, who have no power of thinking connectedly for five minutes under any pressure, from within or from without. If they have never been trained to apply the whole of their mental faculties to a given subject, why, no energy of will, supposing they had it, which is impossible, could make them think steadily thoughts of their own choosing or of anyone else's. Here is how the parts of the intellectual fabric dovetail: power of will implies power of attention; and before the parent can begin to train the will of the child, he must have begun to form in him the habit of attention. (Charlotte Mason, Volume 1, pg 326)

This passage struck me this morning while I was searching for answers to a parenting problem I've been having.

It's interesting and very accurate: children need to have ignited in them a desire to do right because it is heroic and courageous. What it comes down to is a simple fact: motivation comes to them in the same way the Gospel comes to us: It is God's kindness that leads us to repentance, and the pursuit of truth and beauty that reveals His character to us.

My husband and I have worked tirelessly at instilling the habit of attention in our oldest and the payoff has been great both for her and for us.It worked so well that when my son came along, we were flabbergasted that he had not simply absorbed the habit in utero and we began a long line of battles with him in which we were mystified by his behavior, much of which was contrasted to that of his older sister, generally a careful attention-payer. One day, very recently, we realized our mistake: we had never focused with him on the habit of attention, without which the habit of obedience is truly only half a habit. We set about working on it and noticed a difference in his BEHAVIOR almost immediately.

The art of enlisting the will is a subject on which Charlotte Mason spends a good deal of time. It is worth reading her ideas because they keep in mind that while God is sovereign, we must be willing co-operators.
It reminds us that our children have human dignity, which in turn enables us to see them as persons rather than objects, a tendency which all people struggle with.

CM CHALLENGE: This month, I will be meditating on the above passage and looking for more ways to enlist my children's will and to instill the habit of attention in all of them.

What did this passage speak to you?

Parenting tips from Charlotte Mason

Always Telling––'I'm sure I am always telling her'––to keep her drawers neat, or to hold up her head and speak nicely, or to be quick and careful about an errand, says the poor mother, with tears in her eyes; and indeed this, of 'always telling' him or her is a weary process for the mother; dull, because hopeless. She goes on 'telling' to deliver her own soul, for she has long since ceased to expect any result: and we know how dreary is work without hope. But, perhaps, even his mother does not know how unutterably dreary is this always 'telling,' which produces nothing, to the child. At first he is fretful and impatient under the patter of idle words; then he puts up with the inevitable; and comes at last hardly to be aware that the thing is being said. As for any impression on his character, any habit really formed, all this labour is without result; the child does the thing when he cannot help it, and evades as often as he can. And the poor disappointed mother says,' I'm sure I've tried as much as any mother to train my children in good habits, but I have failed.' She is not altogether dispirited, however. The children have not the habits she wished to train them in; but they grow up warm-hearted, good-natured, bright young people, by no means children to be ashamed of. All the same, the mother's sense of failure is a monition to be trusted.
Our failures in life are, perhaps, due, for the most part, to the defects of our qualities; and, therefore, it is not enough to send children into the world with just the inheritance of character they get from their parents.

Some Practical Counsels––Let me offer a few definite practical counsels to a parent who wishes to deal seriously with a bad habit. First––Let us remember that this bad habit has made its record in the brain. Second––There is only one way of obliterating such record; the absolute cessation of the habit for a considerable space of time, say some six or eight weeks. Third––During this interval new growth, new cell connections, are somehow or other taking place, and the physical seat of the evil is undergoing a natural healing. Fourth––But the only way to secure this pause is to introduce some new habit as attractive to the child as is the wrong habit you set yourself to cure. Fifth––As the bad habit usually arises from the defect of some quality in the child it should not be difficult for the parent who knows his child's character to introduce the contrary good habit. Sixth––Take a moment of happy confidence between parent and child; introduce, by tale or example, the stimulating idea; get the child's will with you. Seventh––Do not tell him to do the new thing, but quietly and cheerfully see that he does it on all possible occasions, for weeks if need be, all the time stimulating the new idea, until it takes great hold of the child's imagination. Eighth––Watch most carefully against any recurrence of the bad habit. Ninth––Should the old fault recur, do not condone it. Let the punishment, chiefly the sense of your estrangenient, be acutely felt. Let the child feel the shame not only of having done wrong, but of having done wrong when it was perfectly easy to avoid the wrong and do the right. Above all, 'watch unto prayer' and teach your child dependence upon divine aid in this warfare of the spirit; but, also, the absolute necessity for his own efforts.

-- Charlotte Mason, Vol 2 p 174-176

Using scripture to train our children

So, on Pinterest a while back, I came across this website: The Child Training Bible. It describes a method by which to organize child training verses using color coded flags and hi-lighters for parents to use in the raising of children. It was one of those things you just sat and stared at, wide-eyed, thoughts buzzing.

At the time, I simultaneously pinned it to my parenting boards and to my random hilarity boards because, let's face it, while there is something profoundly interesting and inspiring about it, for sure, I admit I also found it kind of .... crazy and neurotic as an idea. Look at all those tabs!! How would you HOLD this bible? Doesn't it just SCREAM: "pull me out" to any passing toddler? Where would you find the time to sit down and actually make one of these?? How practical could it actually be??

I'm not at all slamming the people who came up with this idea, I actually find it -- and them-- awesome. But I think there is a little re-thinking to be done here--- while it's very good and helpful, it's also kind of.... overkill. Maybe that's just me, as this bible seems to be getting very enthusiastic reviews. I admit my life is a little more hectic in some ways than other stay at home moms for whom the Child Training Bible may be a wonderful option.

On my end, though... I like things simple, and as a busy mom, I don't have time to brush my teeth, let alone to sit down with my kids for every infraction and pick through the Bible for lecturing material, nor do I have time to nitpick issues. I'm big on the "heart" and not the externals--- and at this stage in my parenting I usually find myself constantly turning to Charlotte Mason's "big three" issues (Obedience, attention, truthfulness) and much less frequently to particular issues.  

Now, if I'm going to be praying for one of my kids in depth that day about a particular issue, I might find a list of EVERY verse that deals with it helpful, but the reality is that in ordinary life I just need a handful of "go to" verses.

I have mentioned before that our family uses Charlotte Mason's methods in our homeschool, and Charlotte had a LOT to say about child training and good habits. Her habits training ideas can be broken down into five categories (mental habits, physical habits, moral habits,  religious habits, habits of propriety and decency.) So in my case, I can more easily use a go-to bible verse for each of the habits in this category (or better yet, for a category itself) than for every, single, specific situation my kids or I might encounter during their childhood. I also like that Charlotte focuses on something positive which encourages me as a parent-- changing bad habits into good ones, whereas the Child Training Bible is basically geared to look up MISbehavior (lying, stealing, fear, etc.) I understand why it's organized that way, but my kids-- and I-- tend to be more receptive to change when it is presented in a positive light.

Every Christian parent should be excited about a project that helps them quickly find bible verses with which to train their children. We all (hopefully) USE bible verses and have various systems for doing it, like making kids copy or memorize verses for problem areas, doing character training with bible verses in daily devotions, or simply having a list of verses for different situations we encounter and looking them up and reading them together after we correct or discipline our kids. 

And believe me, I'm ALL for using tabs and color coding to get us there-- I already do that to help me pray with my Bible. So I really, really do like the idea.... But I wasn't sure I could handle a life where I'd have to carefully carry a bible that looks like this around without rapidly losing what's left of my mind:

So anyways, I thought about it and realized that there really are just a handful of verses I NEED and USE regularly in my parenting (by regularly, I mean on a day-to-day, training-and-correcting basis way... not in a full-on warfare kind of way. Obviously, there are moments where you just really need the entire Bible, or a list a mile long.) Basing my categories mostly off of Charlotte Mason's habits, I came up with THIS.

Not overwhelming, not complicated, easy to use and carry. I likey.

Each tab is a subject I find myself harping on the kids about relatively often.

Each tab contains a MAIN verse at the top, and additional verses to use as needed.

A couple of them overlap the text and this annoys me.. I'll have to find a solution.

Like I said, we're ALL about keeping it simple here. :)

But some things are TOO important to let slide. ;)

If your kids are anything like mine, they will enjoy making their own tabs for their own bibles, too. Bonus!

So that's it.... my version of the "Child Training Bible," and the benefit to me is that my husband and I deal with many of these same habits (and sins!) in our own personal lives so having these makes it really easy to quickly look up something that relates to us, to our own parenting, to our relationship to each other, etc. I've been doing this for about a week now and I am already SO glad I took the (One hour, not year! Haha) it took me to make this, and I've actually used it-- which is great. So far the best part is that my kiddos actually LIKE it and find it interesting, so they remind me to use it if perchance I forget. Having just read Ray Guerendi's book "Discipline that Lasts a Lifetime," I am super excited about how easily this all fits in with that. Dr. Ray reminded me over and over that discipline was less talk and more action, and I think that applies not just to parenting but to our work, too. I noticed that by doing this instead of having endless passages to look up and talk about with the kids, they-- and I--- get more work done. We also spend waaaaay less time yakking about HOW to do what's right and way more time just doing it, which is my husband's theme for our house. "There's no need to be so complicated. Life is simple.... Just be good, and do good," he says. Can't argue with that!

Anyways, hope it helps somebody out there!

For those interested in doing this themselves, I can offer some suggestions. However, I don't want to give you a how-to because one of the most important things about doing this project , in my eyes, is that it needs to be something YOU will use. My needs are not your needs, so you may find some of my categories, or verses, inapplicable for your own family. Instead I would encourage you to sit down and make a small, manageable list of things you would like to instill in your kids and then your OWN favorite verses for each one.

By way of a guideline, here is a list of the habits Charlotte Mason specifically mentions, as organized in the wonderful book "Laying down the Rails: a Charlotte Mason Habits Handbook."

You might find it useful to include tabs for these particular habits or simply for each category, along with appropriate bible verses. 

Habits of Decency and Propriety
Cleanliness Courtesy Kindness Manners Modesty and Purity	Neatness Order Regularity Candor Courage	Diligence Fortitude Generosity Gentleness Meekness	Patience Respect Temperance Thrift
Mental Habits
Attention Imagining Meditation Memorizing	Mental Effort Observation Perfect Execution Reading for Instruction	Remembering Thinking Accuracy Concentration	Reflection Thoroughness
Moral Habits
Integrity Priorities Finishing	Use of Time Borrowed Property Obedience	Personal Initiative Reverence Self-Control	Sweet, Even Temper Truthfulness Usefulness
Physical Habits
Alertness to Seize Opportunities Fortitude Health Managing One’s Own Body Music Outdoor Life		Quick Perception of Senses Self-Control in Emergencies Self-Discipline in Habits Self-Restraint in Indulgences Training the Ear and Voice
Religious Habits
Regularity in Devotions Prayer	Reading the Bible Praise	Reverent Attitude Sunday-Keeping	Thanksgiving Thought of God

Charlotte Mason's motto for students was "I am, I can, I ought, I will." Another way to do this is simply to make a list of fifteen or so things you often come across and a good verse for each one. For example: Obedience Attention Truthfulness Modesty Purity Faith Proper Speech Kindness Charity Cleanliness Good study habits Proper Choice in Friends Self-control etc. As I said, every family (and child!) is different so I don't want to give you a cookie-cutter "how-to" here, but rather to help you brainstorm ideas that will work. I hope you enjoy doing this project as much as I did! I'm praying for you and your children. :)