My husband wrote this on facebook- I found it hilarious

Holler if you relate :

A Politically Incorrect Guide To Why Protestants Annoy Me... Usually...

This is chiefly to my brother, Scott... written in response to the accusation that I make to many jokes at the expense of Prods, and don't like them... just so you know.

First of all let me just point everything out afresh, Scotty. You are Protestant and I am a former Protestant, a heavily involved and devout Protestant, turned Roman Catholic. So... you don't have the advantage of understanding the issue a broadly as I do and probably never will... unless you become a Catholic. Also, let me be clear that anyone reading this can internalize it and be offended and act like I am being bigoted toward Protestants... or you can read it just as I meant it, as a general diagnosis of what is observable amongst Protestant culture, and you yourself can prove to be an exception to what I observe as the rule. THIS IS A GENERALIZATION... but also a literal example. In fact, I think most Protestants who read this will probably agree with me and probably hate the same things... ESPECIALLY YOU, SAM! Sam always understands me.

Probably the biggest thing that is frustrating, in general, in any given parlance with a Protestant is the flagrant anti-intellectualism. For instance, they don't ever want to listen to anyone say anything about philosophy, history, or science unless they have leather elbow pads, gold rimmed glasses, an old bible with them and a southern twang. It's as if they think scientists shouldn't be allowed to talk about science, or that there is room in the scientific method for "secret atheist-devil" agendas... which is complete nonsense. Or as if only Protestant pastors know the "truth" about history and everyone else is lying. Or that philosophy doesn't matter because it "isn't in the bible." And they always bring up their objections in reactionary ways instead of reasoned responses, because if they reasoned an argument they wouldn't have an objection to begin with usually.
For instance, without fail, a Protestant who arrogantly tries to attack Catholics by attacking the Church usually starts with cursory historical knowledge of specific events. Very often this is little more than an undigested regurgitation of a sermon they once heard a pastor on the radio give or something like that... if you are lucky it is "digested regurgitation." They'll say in rapid succession," Well, what about the Crusades, and the Inquisition, and the Salem Witch Trials." And you will give a factual explanation of the events, contrasting it with real-time social norms and preface it with historical fact," The Crusades was the re-taking of Christian Eastern Empire to succor pilgrims who were being raped, murdered, robbed, and kidnapped, and was also a military response to Muslim incursions into Europe for over three hundred years... etc, etc. The Inquisition was affected by both the secular and ecclesial authorities and usually dealt with actual criminals... etc, etc... And the Salem Witch Trials were done by Protestants." And then they will say," Yeah, but MILLIONS of people were butchered by the Catholic Church." To which you say," Actually, the death toll of the Crusades, the Inquisition, and even the Salem Witch Trials was only 110,000 people over a thousand year period..." And then they start to feel stupid and think," Oh, this jerk thinks he's so smart! God will make foolishness of the wisdom of men! He is so blinded by the world... this guy isn't saved!"
And why are they thinking those things? For no better reason than the fact that the Catholic person just showed that guy what an idiot he is without ever insulting him or being snarky. The Protestant at this point has already determined and settled on the tone of this conversation, and determined a goal as well... it's going to be a battle to vindicate the Protestant's pride, he wants to win, he doesn't care about being right. The Protestant realizes that he has no objectivity, that he doesn't possess all the knowledge he thought he did, and so the natural and next course of action is for them to turn their brain off and become completely subjective. To put it simply... at this point they have abandoned facts and reason and will resort to semantics, strawman arguments (putting words and ideas in peoples mouths), sweeping generalizations, red-herring arguments (trying to prevent the other person from making points by not sticking to the subject), ageist remarks, and if all else fails... out come the ad hominem attacks (insults to the person's character, attacking the man instead of his argumentation). These are the staples of their fight from this point on.
So, the next barrage of questioning goes like this," But what about Mary? You guys pray to Mary and the Saints! And Purgatory??? That's not in the bible! Why do you worship the Pope? Why do you call priests "father?" You guys have all these traditions of men! You pray to statues! (If they are really smart they'll go on to...) What about Transubstantiation and confession?" Basically, they will demand that you explain the last 2,000 years of Christian theology in four sentences or less... OR ELSE! As if they are your judge and you are guilty till proven innocent, as if your salvation depends on them and their limited mental capacity.
So, you dig down deep and muster as much patience, eloquence and charitableness as possible and you try to explain it in clarity and brevity, and in such a way that isn't offensive to them... even though at this point they have done nothing but insult you, your intelligence, and everything you believe in, they might as well have pissed all over the front of you. BUT... you swallow it and give them your best, in charity using common sense... which is where the Catholic has it all wrong, because the Protestant abandoned reason and common sense before they began their second tirade of questioning.
So, you explain "the communion of the saints", the use of effigy, the rosary, the Apostolic succession of the Pope, the office of the priest, transubstantiation, and confession... like a super human, because you did it all in ten minutes, even with them interrupting you every sentence, never letting you make your point, never letting you complete or connect ideas. You did it in ten minutes and in language and concepts that a child could understand, you have given them no reason to misunderstand you.

And yet... they ask the same questions again, this time more belligerently, more insinuatingly, more aggressively, far more accusatory," You are idolaters and you worship a demon known as Astoreth but call her Mary. You use pagan practices and you have all this religion made by men. You never read your bibles, and what about priests touching kids.What about the Illuminati...( and other vague references to Dan Brown fiction thrillers to bolster their argument)" So, naturally, at this point you are getting a bit fed up with their stupidity, because your patience is wearing thin... and why is that? Because you are the only person thus far who has controlled yourself the entire conversation which has been going for half an hour or more by now, pouring yourself into this conversation.
Now, it is not that the Protestant is "actually" mentally deficient, it's not that they are literally an "idiot"... its that they are arguing and behaving like idiots. Because while you were giving the most brief, brilliant, and concise apologetic refutation know to mankind on behalf of the Roman Catholic Church... the Protestant wasn't listening. All they heard was," Blah blah... blah blah blah, blah blah." And do you know why? Because of what I stated in the previous paragraph above... this conversation is no longer about what is true and right, or even who is right... its about them vindicating their pride... its all about their pride, just because they made themselves feel stupid about the Crusades. So, while they should have been listening to the answers they asked you for, trying to understand and digest what you are saying... while they should have been trying to see the angle you were construction for them so that you can have an actual conversation... they were only thinking about how to prove you wrong. They were wracking their brains for bible verses from the King James bible, trying to remember something clever their Protestant pastor said, trying to figure out a clever way to quibble over a word and use semantics, finding points to equivocate on, and trying to figure out a way to put you into a corner so that they could foist their beliefs and ideas on you and hope that you just give in.

And so, basically what you just did was cast your pearls before swine. You gave them the answers they asked for, and used the bible, cited historical reference, gave names and dates and made a great apology for the faith... and they just ignore it and act like they are smarter than you, but even more importantly, more righteous than you.
It's at this point you abandon what has obviously become an argument and vicious attack not only against what was their original target, which was the Roman Catholic Church, but now they are attacking and insulting you... because they are holding you accountable for how stupid they sound and feel! And you haven't insulted or attacked them once!
So, you hazard a defense of your own character, to which they begin to really out rightly insult you even more calling you blind, ignorant, religious (using the term as an insult), wrapped up in the traditions of men, you aren't a Christian, you need to be saved, you need to leave the Church and go to a "bible believing Church" etc, etc, etc...
And then you point out how they are acting and that they are using one-sided, circular logic and attacking you because they can't keep up intellectually, because they lost pace when when they were scheming on how to prove you wrong. And that makes them really indignant and self-righteous, because lets face it... no one can stand to be transparent especially when you were trying hard not to be.
And the Protestant finally says," I'll pray for you man." which is a modern construct from the Evangelical parlance which means," F*%ck you, mate." So you go separate ways, and the Protestant is telling themselves like a mantra," That guy is a fool, full of worldly wisdom. That guy needs to be saved. He has a spirit of strife, he's a divider of the brethren and bound up by satan... blah, freakin, blah..." And then they go tell their Protestant friends about "the fight a Catholic picked with them" and they pat each other on the back and patronizingly pray for the poor sinner Catholic with tons of platitudes," Father God we just pray, father God that you will just touch that guys life and open his eyes, God. We just pray Lord Jesus that you'd remove the hatred from his heart and show him your love, Lord Jesus... blah, blah, blah..." And the Catholic guy just walks away and says," Holy Jesus, what an idiot. I'm glad you are ever merciful and all understanding, remember this conversation when that guy comes to you and when considering his sin, consider also his stupidity and have mercy. Amen."

And so, being a Catholic, and a former protestant... I know these things. And having had these "discussions" with literally hundreds of people, and I don't say that lightly, I have had the above conversation about oh, 80+ times... I am certain of these things. So, what you think doesn't matter, what matters is what I have experienced, because the question is,"Why don't YOU (that is me) like Protestants?" I have answered that, with just a "TASTE" of some of why I don't get along with most Protestants. However, there are a great many other Protestants who I really admire and think are really genius in their own right, and I greatly respect them for their objectivity and their ability to cipher and dig deep. I've know quite a few, in fact my former professor Sam Nuckolls is one of those protestants I so respect and he is on my friends page, add him and he'll blow your mind, he's a very smart man. There are exceptions to the rule... I am one of them. :)

So, when these conversations happen to a person like me on a daily basis for months and years on end... it gets old. How is a person supposed to feel about people who only condescend to you about your core beliefs? How is a person to feel about people who only attack you and insult you? How are you to feel about people who only test you and your patience? Hmmm??? You might suppose I would look at them like my enemies. I suppose one might conclude then that it's a miracle I don't hate Protestants, but instead look at most of them like petulant children... and do pray for their ministries, their families, their charities, their faith, their health, their happiness, their holiness, and their communities. So, in my defense, I'd say I'm rather resilient considering the quantity of such experiences that I have had, which is way, way more than most people. So, there it is.