This question usually comes from women who, like me, like order. So the first thing I would say is that it's important to acknowledge that your husband may very well be taking more initiative than you give him credit for... just not in the orderly, organized manner that you might be looking for!
While today I enjoy an amazing partnership with my husband that gets better every day, it hasn't always been this way.And that wasn't really his fault!
When I was married, I had seen countless images in tracts and publications of men holding bibles, presiding over a time of family devotions where rapt children smiled and listened. I wondered why, in my own home, it always seemed that I was the one who got excited about teaching the children how to "BE" a Christian, while my husband just seemed satisfied that they would catch on by osmosis.This doesn't mean he was acting less like a Christian than I was, only that I had a certain "image" in my head of what I was trying to achieve, and that his own "image" was different. He felt that many of the images I referred to (whether they be people in our church, things I read, or whatever) were artificial, and he preferred to be "himself" and not to "have a committee," as he puts it, and "try" to institute things which seem sort of pointless to him. Part of this was his upbringing, because as a child he had been harmed by the "external, Christian" image his family had put forth whilst not living their "internal" changed lives. I, however, had been raised in a family which paid no attention to things like having purposeful family devotions, but I had seen my parents serve others, and that had impacted me. I longed for more "structure" and "similarity" to what other Christian families looked like, and he longed for less structure and more sincerity. If that makes sense.
Now, to be fair, there is a crisis of male leadership in the world. But I don't believe the problem is ONLY the men's!
You see, we can all agree that feminism destroyed manhood in our society, and we have often heard it taught that the deplorable lack of male understanding of their role as leader is due to feminism "beating the manhood" out of them. But we women don't always want to blame ourselves and our own sin! Feminism has done as much damage to women as it has to men. The Church is FULL to the brim of men who won't lead AND WOMEN WHO WONT FOLLOW. And that, for me, is the key to finding a solution.
A long time ago, a very wise woman named Debi Pearl saved my marriage by reminding me, sternly at times, but always with great humor and charity, that we can't change other people, but we can surely change ourselves. If you're a wife today, her message is for you.
For some women, the problem is because the husband is a non-believer. For others, it's because he is simply luke-warm or "part time" in his faith. And for still others, it's because he may be going through a rough patch or perhaps hasn't quite matured to the point where he knows what he's doing as a husband or father yet. Whatever the reason, there are literally hundreds of women in this row-boat. So here's what I learned on my own help meet journey. Maybe it will help one of you!
1. If I say I want my husband to lead, then when he tries, I darn well better let him!
This was my first lesson in wife-ness and it was really hard to get it through to myself. I wanted my husband to lead, but I didn't like the way he did it, the places he was thinking about going, or anything along those lines. I think the single hardest lesson I ever learned-- but the one that has made the greatest impact on my life as far as helping me on the path to holiness, has been to TRUST God.
When I was first married, I didn't like the way my husband prayed. (he's not a charismatic, and I am.) I didn't like the way my husband led bible studies. (he is crazy smart, like genius smart. And intellectualizes everything. I'm more into "how does that make you feel?") As a result, we never did these two basic staples of the Christian life together...praying and reading the Bible, not because he didn't WANT to lead,(he often did!) but as I said, because I didn't like the WAY he did it, so I made a big production about how bored I was and later tearfully petitioned God for hours to enliven my husband and teach him the faith. What an arrogant, selfish person I was then!
Other times, he would seem to lose, or at least doubt, his faith more quickly than I in times of trial or crisis. This caused me to be overcome with grief, for I felt that someone who doubted or messed up could never lead me! Guess I missed the part in the Bible where Christ Himself gave over leadership of the early church to Peter....who was always messing up!
The bottom line? the road to holiness is established through obedience. I am called to obey my husband, no matter what is going on in my own mind. Is my husband called to lead responsibly, lovingly,sacrificially, in a godly manner, etc? Yes, absolutely, but have you ever heard the expression "two wrongs don't make a right?" It's true. When my husband and I stand before God, he will answer for every single time he failed to lead me correctly. And I will answer for every single time I failed to follow. Period. There were times when this lesson was excruciatingly painful to learn, but in the end, it's true.
It wasn't until I began to follow the life of St John of the Cross that I learned how to respond to a perceived crisis in leadership.... in St John's case, the "leadership" had imprisoned him, and was abusing him daily and keeping him from his "true" calling as a reformer of the Carmelite Order. Yet he obeyed, he submitted, and then one day, God made the way for him to miraculously escape under really awesome circumstances. After that, he became reknowned for his sanctity, and for his calling as a reformer of the Carmelite Order... and his "captors" congratulated themselves on having made him suffer so they could take the credit for having turned him into a saint!! Talk about a lack of humility!! And yet, in all things, John's response was the same: to Love, and treat with respect and dignity.
Eventually, he found himself on his deathbed, examining his life, and realizing that it had been exactly what God had wanted it to be: Holy. God will guide you, because He will NEVER allow anything to happen to you that is outside His will for you at that moment. Thus, when our husbands make a move to actually lead in some way, let's follow! Even if it's not at ALL where we want to go
2. It's not that serious, even though it is.... because God's got this!
Another of my HUGE mistakes was to completely panic from day one of my first daughter's birth about things like "how" we were going to do family devotions. I agonized for hours and wasted plenty of good naptimes making plans and schedules and reading books about how other people did it. I took classes and went to small groups and came home frustrated with my husband that he wasn't just like everyone else's husband, leading family bible studies, family prayer times, etc etc. None of which helped me, when it came down to it, to "create" a family devotional time that everyone, my husband included, was on board with, or to create in my husband such a strong desire for leadership so that he did it for me.
My first battle was with the dinner table. I wanted desperately to have family dinners and could not understand why my husband basically sat down, ate, and went off to do other things without making lengthy and interesting (and leading) conversation. This made me nuts and was the subject of much tearful prayer, but then I woke up one morning about four years into my marriage and realized that we DID do these things, every day, almost exactly as I had desired, but at the BREAKFAST table, not the dinner table. I had to readjust my thinking, but the answer to my prayers had been there all along, I was just too focused on controlling everything to see it myself. Now we enjoy our family breakfasts daily and it's a very special time for all of us. As far as family devotions go.... and similarly with the education of my children.... I find that I am the one who "leads" these events to some degree, while perpetually modeling a submissive attitude. For example, when hubby is upstairs and may have forgotten to come down to do our nightly advent wreath ritual, I go to the bottom of the stairs and gently ask if he would be able to come down now to do it, as the kids are clamoring to get started. He is always very involved from that point on. I should say, however, that in my experience the husband is the leading visionary-- it is his job to "cast the vision" so to speak, and we are to be faithful to the vision. However, it has been my job to be "in the details" which means that I do most of the "day to day" work, (picking the schedule, the curriculum, and implementing) leaving the guiding and "re-focusing" stuff to him. In other words, I research and pick out the books I'm going to read to the kids, and he approves them. Some things, such as philosophy, are very important to him. So I try to respond to that by reading and watching and listening to things which further our understanding of philosophy, even though it's not my favorite subject. In doing so, I have found that he is right... we learn much about theology (a subject which DOES interest me) from philosophy. In other ways, God uses the kids to draw him in to leadership. My oldest nearly always asks for him to come down and read her a bible story, for example, or asks him for prayer when she is in need. I suspect that just as we struggle to obey and submit, our men struggle to lead and grasp the relevance and role of their leadership in the family dynamic. What I think is always important to remember is that God has got this. HE WANTS FAMILIES TO SUCCEED, and His Holy Spirit will help us. We need only be open to the promptings of the Spirit (whether that be for the purpose of Spiritual Warfare, encouragement, conviction of sin, etc) to really discover how God is ALREADY working in our families to make things work out "right." Whether for family devotions, in the area of Natural Family Planning, prayer, homeschool, or anywhere else, I suspect that as you seek solutions, God will show them to you.
3. PRAY.
Which brings me to number three (and technically, number one, because without it, you won't get far!): prayer. So often we do, do, do, do, do and we forget to simply stop and pray, even though when we pray angels are dispatched to do do do for us! Likewise, we forget that God WANTS to do a work in our family, and we are so busy finding out how to make it happen that we don't stop to just ASK Him. Above all else, pray, for God answers prayers.
4. Modeling.
Husbands are best suited to have wives because wives can inspire more than anyone else. Above all things, a man longs to be trusted and admired.... respected, if you will. And if we spend our time poopooing him (even without a word) it will destroy in him the very thing that we are trying to create. It may seem counter-intuitive, but why not encourage him greatly for every single leadership challenge he rises to? Even if in the beginning, the only thing you have to praise is that he told you he likes eggs and not biscuits for breakfast, lavish him with admiration for his leadership. This is the essence of the law of attraction, and it works. Focus on his positive habits. Be thankful that your husband has been so wonderful at (teaching the kids to brush their teeth, making sure you get to Church, even if he himself does not go, etc etc etc) and as time goes by you will surely find more and more things to praise him for! Further, they (like us) respond to what they see. There was a time in my life where I spent HOURS reading the Bible, but complained when I had to put it down and serve my newborn child or husband. This was a wrong attitude in ME, one I struggle with often! We are to serve, to LIVE what we believe, and this is what will make others look to us and say: "I need what they have.... which is God. If I talk about child training, read about child training, get angry because my husband doesn't care about child training or get on board to lead me in child training, and don't actually do the hard, and frustrating, work of child training MYSELF, I have no one to blame but myself when my kids are out of control and my husband rolls his eyes at the mention of parenting techniques. The same goes for any subject I want him to lead in: Church attendance, Prayer, family dinners, family devotions, etc etc etc.
5. Have fun!
The family is about having a wonderful time. It does not have to be stern, strict, and morose. Nobody wants to do all this stuff if it is forced and awkward and unnatural. So above all things, have FUN. Have FUN with family devotions, ensuring that you give your best to your husband and kids. Have FUN with homeschool, with family meals, with Church, and with everything you do together. Your kids are not going to like Church if when you go, you act unnatural, ignore them, have different expectations of them than you do at home, and things like that. Likewise, your husband married you because he loved YOU. Be yourself in your endeavor to "better" your family, honestly assess your situation, and take the time to affirm your husband that you ENJOY him and ENJOY his participation in these activites. I am perpetually getting frustrated, for example, that my husband shows no interest in leading times of worship and praise in our home. He is WONDERFUL at leading Bible studies (although a bit less... touchy feely, LOL, than I would be in his place.:P) but he finds anything other than hymn singing at Church "fake" and annoying (which saddens me sometimes since I like modern praise music also) and he thinks that the emotional connection people make with God during times of worship can be too "emotions" based and avoids it.
Then one day I noticed that I had been ignoring ways he offered praise and worship to God with music outside of "leading a time of worship." He often blasts youtube videos of incredible praise and gathers us round to see them. He often belts out incredible hymns or parts of the mass while doing other things. I was so focused on what I didn't get that I missed what I did get... and forgot to stop and enjoy what I was getting and be thankful for it.
Each family culture is different and will not resemble those around you. I know families who are all into spectator sports, families who love running marathons together, families who are into celebrating their scottish heritage every possible way, and families who are all involved in a family business. None of these is "THE" right way, but each of these is "A" right way. Have FUN with your family, and discover what things your particular family does particularly well. Then celebrate those things, and capitalize on your communal strengths.
If you are like me and are concerned with not "usurping" your husband's authority when it comes to spiritual leadership, but rather finding balance, my advice to you is simple: "pray, hope, and don't worry!" And be thankful, ever so thankful, for the little things, taking the time to acknowledge them. Your children will suffer more from seeing discord in the home than from having a only a mother who teaches them to pray and read the Bible. Your children will learn more about the gospel from seeing you serve others than from watching you read to them and memorizing scripture. Your children will learn to love prayer when they see you love prayer. The first rule of any successful parenting is to remember that things are caught, not taught. This means that even if you should have the misfortune of being married to a man who doesn't visibly "live" his Christian faith, you should always love, respect, and honor that man God gave you and obey his commands, for YOU will be sanctified through obedience to him and to the Church, not through any other means.
And try to remember the hardest lesson most of us have ever learned,: you cannot change anyone else, but you certainly can change yourself!
May God bless your marriage, and strengthen it for the sake of your children!
Psalms 107:21-22: "Let them thank God for such kindness, such wondrous deeds for the children of men. Let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving, declare his works with shouts of joy!"
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