Character building in kiddos

A couple of incidents in the last two days have shown me that my eldest is just so impressionable, which has reinforced, in turn, my desire to homeschool and my understanding of that "inner sanctuary" Carmelite solitude that my family is moving towards.

I want to be clear: this doesn't mean that we will no longer go to social events, that we will no longer "have friends" or enjoy our Church family. On the contrary, we will be fellowshipping less frequently, but it will be quality fellowshipping. Rather than finding ourselves in situations we really don't want to be in, or situations we wish we could fellowship more instead of socializing,we will find ourselves actually more able to enjoy the times we can be with our friends. At least, that's how I hope it works out... we will see. I have a "social" problem-- I'm one of those kids who didn't enjoy their parents until she was a parent herself, because I was too busy with people my own age. As a teenager, I would lie awake in my bed wondering what I was missing "out there." Been working on it since coming to Christ.

One of the reasons I just spent half a day working on my blog is that I have come to realize that it serves this triple function. I've always kept this blog just to babble publicly about my thoughts, but recently God gave me a bit of wisdom about it.
First, He helped me to realize that I enjoy writing it-- I look forward to it-- because it's a way of continuing to use some of the gifts He has given me without having to take away from some of the tasks he puts in front of me. (Even as I type, the baby will not settle for her nap and I must stop and tend to her. Which I CAN do without any guilt.)Like facebook, it allows me to connect with friends far and wide without having to invest time I do not have to give. Best of all, it's a way of working on my book without the drudgery of "carving out time" I don't have away from the kids, housework, or my husband to do so. A quick blog here or there when I get the chance, and within a short time I've got a LOT of material to use. Lastly, it helps me to give answers to the emails I recieve asking valuable and interesting questions, which I always want to answer but cannot seem to find the time to do. This week while my inbox racks up close to 6000 emails I should reply to, I can knock out ten to twelve at a time with a carefully worded blog post. It's something worth investing into, and because it's just my thoughts--- I am free to interrupt myself when working on it to tend to whatever needs caring for. I think blogging regularly will smooth over the transition from being an externally-focused family to being an internally focused family. I pray that it will prevent any hurt feelings that might arise in our dear friends to explain our silence and our distance. I never thought that this kind of life was right for our family- I always wished we volunteered more and became more "active" at Church. And yet, the more kids we have the more sense it makes to keep them close, to watch them, to guide them, to give them every chance to succeed. It is truly a radical, counter-cultural idea.

I know what it's like to feel out of control with my family. I don't want to feel like that again.


At the mass on Monday, I recognized that my daughter was misbehaving because of her environment. She was surrounded by children who regularly go to mass and know how to behave in Church. On all sides of her were kids who were "doing the right thing."
But the minute that this one child, who might as well have been alone since her mother didn't seem to care what she was up to, began to distract her. Instead of choosing to imitate the numerous children around her who were carefully attending the mass, my dear daughter decided that she would imitate the poorly trained 18 month old who couldn't behave, just as she does at home, imitating my younger son's improper behavior instead of showing him the "better way." This gave me great pause- I realized I needed to teach her to teach others the right way to act, but then I realized also how fragile her character was and how much she wanted to emulate EVERYONE around her. I needed to be very careful who I kept around her.

Likewise, a dear friend came over yesterday for a visit. I was thrilled, having not seen her in quite a while and really enjoying her family's company.
Her son, who doesn't know my own house rules, felt that it would be a good time to take all of the folded clothes I had put in the baby's crib waiting to be put away and throw them into a toy bin which they emptied out. Now, my kids, after one incident in which they emptied their closets into said toy bin, know that in our house, this is a big, fat, no WAY. In fact, they know that if they do it again, trouble with a capital T is coming.

When I came into the room to see what had happened, I was surprised to find the room looking like a hurricane hit it. Now, my normal reaction would have been despair (oh no! a mess! I can't really handle messes!) so I was proud that my reaction instead went to meditating on the heart of my child, who had just willfully disobeyed and who I would have to contend with over the issue later.

So why hadn't my darling child informed this young man that what he was not to undo her mommy's (and her!) hard work? Because, apparently, in my child, there is a sense that it will be "more fun" to do what other kids are doing than to obey the rules. I know that feeling well-- I had it all my life. What I want, more than anything is to preserve her from her false sense of freedom, which caused me so much suffering in life. Now, I recognize that I will not be able to keep her from suffering, but I do think that I will be able to keep her actively involved in choosing to do right over and over, as I train her. This is what I had initially set out to do.
This particular child, like the little girl at mass, had no idea whatsoever that they were doing anything wrong. In fact, they probably thought they were doing something right. The only way they could have known is if my daughter were to inform them: "Hey guys, we aren't supposed to do this. Let's do something else instead."

Instead of socializing in another room, I should have been IN the room with them, tomato staking. Then I would have immediately been able to notice what they were about to do and teach her the lesson right off the bat. My parenting needed adjusting.

This realization put Peter and I into a thought hurricane. How were we going to deal with our children's behavior? We wanted to nip it in the bud, and the only way to do that was to stop and think very seriously about what we were going to do. What we've chosen might seem drastic, but I really think it's the right answer and so does he. Ironically, my mother, who we have NEVER asked for parenting advice, came up with the same solution over the phone when we explained the problem... so we took that as a sign from God. I know my Grandmother was also a proponent of this type of parenting-- the idea of remaining WITH your children, watching their every move, and being a part of everything they do. How else can we train them?

I guess I'm writing this to solidify our intentions-- because once it's "out there," so to speak, there's no turning back.

May God bless the journey!