All roads lead to Rome (and it's not about Catholicism!)

Peter and I have been watching HBO's Rome together. When he first started watching it, I wasn't too enthusiastic, but the more I watch it the more I understand why he was so smitten in the beginning.

First, I should say that as the daughter of a historian, it is absolutely shameful that I didn't, until recently, totally understand the impact that Rome had on the rest of the world, and particularly on us, Americans. Shame, I know. It's not that I didn't know it, but it's that I never GOT it. Now I do. In fact, watching Rome is sort of like watching America self destruct on the news, and thinking about how immorality, decadence, greed, and corrupting power have always been the enemies of civilization. Likewise, it is breathtaking to be overcome by the emotions of the time, the excitement of "Getting it right" and to see the thoughtfulness and stoicism which people put into living for the good of others. It is beautiful to see people take being a citizen so seriously.

Peter and I have always had a special relationship with Rome, not only because of it's place at the heart of Christianity, but because of it's finger on the pulse of the creation of an honest, functional society. When we first met, he used to sneak pictures he had drawn of me and him sitting on a beach, dressed in period garb, side by side and staring into the mediterannean. He titled them things like: "Legionnaire and wife." I put them up in my locker and stared hard at them each night... this was how he saw us, and what he dreamed for us.

Watching the HBO series, it's easy now to see why. One of the main characters, Lucius Vorenus, literally IS my husband. Now, let me clarify. When we were first married, he used to read me the story of the brave 300 at Thermopolae in bed. It wasn't easy for me to get as excited as he did about the story, but once the film, 300 came out and I discovered King Leonidas, I went... "Ohhhhhhhh!!!!"

Because, indeed, that WAS him. But even more so with this new series, I'm amazed to discover a character who literally acts and looks and speaks and feels JUST like my husband. Which is quite amazing, particularly since in the series, they spend a good portion of a few of the early episodes dissecting his relationship to his wife, Niobe. As it turns out, I don't really look like her physically, other than our hair and complexion, but her reaction to the eccentricities of her husband--- might as well be my own.

So imagine our surprise when, at the height of the hardest time we have EVER had together as husband and wife, we find ourselves face to face with.... ourselves. On the screen. And in watching the show we have uncovered what works and what doesn't work in our relationship--- discarded certain things and taken on new ways to deal with old conflicts. And all of a sudden, it works! And I don't just mean, it works, like, for a while. Our whole relationship has taken on a new color. It's just incredible.

Peter is a man who lives inside his head. He was raised to be a soldier, so he looks at life for what it is, takes pleasure in moments, and doesn't plan for much other than what's directly in front of him at the time. He is pious, hungry for morality and a greatly moral and ethical man. Even without Christ in his life, he always chose the right. He is spartan in his surroundings, and stoic in his view of life. He casts all emotions aside, and chooses to subdue his passions. He has a fiery, terrible temper that inspires fear in those who encounter it. He doesn't like to waste his time nor have his time wasted. He is uncompromising. He is fierce. He is loyal to a fault, should he find himself in a situation where his loyalties lie with the "wrong" side. When people prophecy over him, they use words like "Lion," "noble," "King," "Swordsman," and "Knight."He is completely socially inept--- having never been exposed to fine society. He is a brute. His tattoo says that he is a "Holy Savage," and I couldn't say it better. He has no knowledge of or understanding of women, having never seen or been around any in his life. He says what he thinks, which can make him appear harsh or brash and confrontational. He enjoys conflict and competition. He is a survivor against all odds. He is hungry for wisdom. He is determined and brave.

When you marry a man like that, you come across several obstacles (particularly if you are strong willed like I am.) The first is that he expects to be treated with reverence and respect, no matter what. He likes things a certain way, and isn't afraid to use words like "obey" and "require."
In theory, I think that's hot, and when Colleen and I started OFARM (operation find a real man) in Santa Barbara, that's the kind of man we were looking for. And boy were they hard to find! Most of the men we met were wishy washy and easily trampled. So in theory, these men are keepers. In practice, however, what a mess! It is hard to be around a person like that, let alone married to one. After all, no one wants to be ordered around and commanded left and right with no sense of appreciation or affection for what they are doing.

The second difficulty is that it makes them appear mean-spirited. I can't tell you how many times in my marriage I have wondered just what is wrong with my husband, as I have never met a more angry, annoying human being. When you see them act without knowing (even intuitively) what's going on under the surface, you are repulsed.

The third challenge is that other people always have something to say about this type of person. As a wife, you know that your job is to love, honor, and respect your husband, even when they are not acting loveable, honorable, or respectable. And yet, when you do the right thing and just do it, there is always someone in your life (your mother, your sister, you best friend) to tell you that you are being trampled, squashed, and demolished as a human being.

It used to be that I preached submission to wives because submission WORKS. Remaining submitted to a husband, particularly one like mine, EVEN (especially) when they don't deserve it, means that he will respond in the positive-- if not with affection and care, at least with contentment. And everyone knows a house with a discontent husband is simply unbearable, right?

Through watching Rome, though, I've learned not only to do the right things-- as in-- be submitted and continue to serve him, but also to ENJOY my husband. Watching the show has shown me how a man like my husband-- a man JUST like my husband--- is a hero. And when I saw him as a hero, even in his failings, I loved him. Just like that.

After being separated for eight years, Lucius reappears at his home and surprises his family. Niobe had thought he was dead and had even had a child by another man. Everyone immediately rushes to serve him, and he, in his soldierly way, busies himself being head of the household again. The first few scenes could have been scenes taken from our own kitchen!!

His wife hovers over him as he tries her soup.
"Is it pleasing?" She asks, and he, without even stopping, continues shoveling food in his mouth and says "Less salt next time." She grimaces.

The baby cries into the night, alone and needing his mother, and without giving any thought to the idea that she will be up with him and needs her rest, Lucius begins to couple with her. She rolls her eyes and prays it will soon be over.

Niobe's eyes light up when he tells her how much pay he is bringing in, but when he gets up to leave without saying goodbye, she calls him a brute.

When he has business to attend to, and expects to do so without being questioned, she asks questions anyways. When he brushes her aside, she curses him and loses her temper, shouting after the closed door.

Each one of these scenes was so familiar to us we couldn't help but laugh hysterically----- and be humbled. We were literally watching our marriage unfold on the screen, and we knew they were headed for trouble. While on his way to the next battle, Lucius begins to show a side of him that we had not seen before. He asks Titus Pullo to explain women to him, having not known any himself. When Titus asks him why, he says: "Because I love my wife, and I require her to love me."

It troubles him that she cannot just be happy with him the way he is. He ponders it day and night. You see, he needs someone who simply loves him, as he is, to inspire him to greatness.

Meanwhile, Niobe questions whether she even wants him to return at all. But when he finally does, he takes Pullo's advice and tells her: "You are beautiful."
With this one phrase, he has unlocked the key to her heart and she visibly melts into regret for thinking poorly of him. As I tell Peter all the time, only one kind word from you is enough to keep me going all day long.

The resulting beauty of their physical, emotional, and soul-tie lovemaking is just.... phenomenal. Because they have figured it out: He needs her to love him as he is and to know that he is neither mean, nor brutal, but simply himself. She needs him to show her just enough tenderness so that she knows he has emotionally invested.
And as he says to her before they kiss that day: "The past is forgotten."

Perhaps it's because Peter and I had somewhat of an arranged marriage (by God-- in that, we didn't know each other at all when we were wed) but we could relate to that scene so much it was almost painful watching it on TV. And then it was as if, as the show and the relationship unfolded, we found in it and in each other all the makings of a perfect love affair--- which begins with loving the OTHER more than you love yourself.

In her book, "Created to be his Helpmeet," (one of the rare books I HIGHLY reccommend) Debi Pearl describes the same scenario, since she and I have similar husbands. And she knows, as I do, that a "Mr. Command Man," like her husband, like mine, and like Lucius Vorenus, once he is being respected and obeyed, will treat his wife like the Queen he knows she is... because no other woman he meets would offer him the kindness and compassion he so desperately needs. I never TOTALLY got that until we watched the entire season of Rome together.

Peter and I have had the roughest lenten season I can ever remember having. We very nearly had a nervous breakdown and a divorce over the last forty days. The Lord had given me a word that Easter would bring with it new rejoicing, but Easter seemed so far and I felt like I was sinking in the mire. We didn't know if we could fix our lives, and because of that, we didn't know if we could fix our marriage. But it turned out that God was doing both, by teaching us to just BE in the moment and not fret over our futures and what we "COULD" become and by teaching us to just BE in each other and not fret about who we "Could" be or "should" be.

So I can seriously say, HBO's Rome: you changed our lives. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Makes me proud to have allegiance to Rome. ;)