To start with, let me just say that I am particularly blessed to have many close friends from all walks of life and in different situations. Some of my friends are currently waiting, hoping, praying to get pregnant and "start a family." Most of these girls know that the Word says that children are a BLESSING from the Lord, and are crying out to God with their whole hearts and souls for this blessing. These are Christian women, so they will not go the route of artificial insemination, etc. They simply trust God that in His goodness, He knows more than they do about what is best for them. I pray for them daily to experience the joys of motherhood, all the while knowing that with each passing day God increases their spiritual motherhood.
Others have a few kids (one or two, like me) and are either thriving completely or totally off their rockers and tired of having children, ready to simply sit back and watch these two handfuls grow. I pray for them daily and know that each day, God increases their ability, their confidence, and their right attitudes towards mothering.
Others have what, by today's standard, would be called a large family: five to six kids. These are families who clearly recognize the benefits of just letting go, letting God, and all the while who are living testaments to their pro-life stance... some of them have kids who are a little wild, but all of them enjoy and love their children.
Then I have the friends with what the world would call "impossibly" large families: families which have between 8 and 11 children. This is the type of family I grew up in and around and the type of family which I would really love to be myself--- just big, beautiful, crazy, fun, and loving. Most of my friends who have these quantities of children are absolutely, breathtakingly disciplined... and it shows in the behavior of the kids.
I see a lot of different things when I look at the world of mothering: parents tend to go one of two ways... either totally AP, or totally Babywise, or a little of both... combining the nurture/love/listen to your individual child attachment parenting idea with the discipline and self sufficiency of the Babywise/No greater Joy lot. I'm one of those people who shudders at the sound of the letters "AP," and yet who babywears, breastfeeds, and "listens to her children."
So let me say first that my kids are FAR from what I would consider "perfect." My daughter tends towards exercising her dramatic flair and my son, well, he's a bit of a mamma's boy and taking his sweeeet time with developing, if you know what I mean. But they do have these amazing sides to them that blow me away. When Annika-Marie is rested and has had a really productive day, (ie on her best behavior) she can be the sweetest, kindest, gentlest and most thoughtful kid. She has been saying yes please and no thank you since she could say "Gaga" and is the first to ask "can I help you, mommy?" Ishod, well, he's still a baby, but he's incredibly sweet and snuggly when he wants to me and he is very interested in helping me too.
The point is that like everyone else, I struggle, I try things, I switch them for other things, I adapt, I wonder how I'm doing, and sometimes, I stress out that I've got it all wrong. But on nights like tonight, I'm so thankful for my little blessings.
Peter and I have taken a very, very big step and begun to practice NFP WITHOUT the pulling out. First, because we realized that we were totally sinning when we used the pull out method, and second, because we feel ready to do the right thing and just TRUST God. Which has had a very deep effect both on our sex life and on our outlook. He is finally coming to terms with the fact that we "might" have another child, and I am finally coming to terms with the idea that it's going to have to be a miracle conception because NFP really works. :P I tell you this not to clue you in on our sex lives but to let you know what a difference in our lives this is--- we both feel that God is preparing us for an ever-growing family, and that's huge because I don't feel so "it's never going to happen" about the desires of my heart. Meanwhile, we are learning that God has to see us being faithful with what's in front of us (funny how we can learn that lesson a hundred times and still forget it!!) and so we're doing what we can.
Thus, He has prepared us in the past by helping us to detach from our "posessions." (California, etc, was a great learning ground for that--- we had to sell and lose it ALL in order to get more. It was phenomenal to see our faith grow with that journey.)
Then, he has prepared us by helping us learn to live on a strict budget: our grocery bill averages at 60 (75 now that I'm off of WIC-- yay! First step to independance from government programs!) bucks a week and we work hard to keep it that low.
I've learned to make menus, plan, grocery budget, switch our utilities around, and to do without. Which has been an excellent lesson for me because there REALLY was a lot of work to do, me coming from such a snotty, carefree, richie California background and whatnot. When I moved here, I thought it was unthinkable not to have your nails done each week, or to miss out on "Sushi and a movie" night followed by a trip to my local wine bar.
Now I'm eating frozen veggies and making my own bread and using Pert plus with NO blow drying.
The point I'm trying to make here is that there is much room for growth in all of us, and that we have this idea that we "have to" do things a certain way when often, it's just that "way" that God wants us to change.
Am I jealous when all my old friends are jetting around between NY and LA and drinking cosmos and lugging around prada purses? Sure. A little. But honestly, I wouldn't trade them their lives for my own because I'm growing so much in my interior life that I wouldn't want to lose any of that.
Likewise, I've really come to the understanding that as a Christian, NOTHING can be more important than my kids because I will never be able to affect anyone for the gospel as much or as deeply as I will my kids--- I have their undivided attention, and that's not nothing. Because of this, I want more kids, because that's more souls that I can train to devote themselves COMPLETELY to the Lord, to do good and to live RIGHT. The world is getting crazier, but Christian children are getting holier.
I have a friend who recently suggested we need to boycott Victoria's Secret because of their scandalous storefronts. Another friend asked me what I thought about Dr Dobson suggesting that his listeners boycott stores who say "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons' Greetings" Rather than "Merry Christmas." I see this stuff and I cant help but think that none of us gets it. As my friend Jennifer rightly pointed out, we don't boycott ONE store without opening up a whole can of worms...after all, Victoria's Secret is made by the same company that makes a lot of other brand name clothes. We can't shop at walmart any longer because of the way they get their goods or treat their employees. We can't shop at Target because they support gay marriage. We can't buy "pink" breast cancer ribbon products because their proceeds go to planned parenthoods. We can't use swiffer because parts of its proceeds go to abortion mills and planned parenthood.
Before you know it, you can go nowhere and do nothing. Which is kinda the whole point I'm trying to make: be not of this world.
That doesn't mean "continue to act as if everything is fine and teh same but you are a Christian." It means.... consume less. love more.
If you need to go to walmart because your family needs a vacuum cleaner for twenty bucks instead of ninety, fine. If you need to have Cable because you want EWTN, great. But don't sit there and create cookie cutter ideas in your head about what you Christian life should resemble and then either fail yourself or fail others when you can't live up to the "ideal."
The key to an effective Christian life is not that EVERYONE should have twenty kids or that everyone should homeschool or that everyone should stay at home or that everyone should wear pinafores or that everyone should bake their own bread or that everyone should boycott Disney. It isn't even that everyone should wake up at four AM and have a family devotional led by daddy, or that everyone should tape scripture verses to their bathroom mirror.
No, the key is to be faithful to what God has put in front of you, to say "YES," to that thing and to throw yourself into it with all your heart, to realize that there is no one you need to look like but yourself, as God made you and IS making you still, and that you need to hand over your life to Him day by day.
The perfect example of this is homeschool. I've been homeschooling since Sept of this year and I'm loving every minute of it. My daughter is two, in preschool, and can do the same things the four year olds in preschool are doing-- count, shapes, colors, words, letters, etc. It's AWESOME. But does that mean I think everyone should homeschool? No way.
My kids are always learning, and it isn't because of homeschool. It's a lifestyle! To see what I mean, here are a couple examples:
I took advantage of a knitting class I was teaching to show Annika the basics of knitting... before we know it she'll be redesigning Clapotis.
Learning colors and counting... and robot machinery.
Here we are learning about the locusts in our yard, doing a little biology lesson:
Visiting the Duke Chapel on a pilgrimmage to learn about our faith:
Skyping with her nanou (my mom) and learning about computers.
Learning about lobsters:
Babywearing and practicing for the day she will be a mother:
Here she's doing a baby down dog (at just ONE year old! She's my yoga bean... her favorite pose is currently Cobra.)
These are just a few pictures to show you the wide range of experiences you can give your own kids at home, doing what YOU do, to help them grow and learn and blossom. THATS the essence of what homeschool is all about, and you don't have to BE a homeschooler to do it. God says to train up our children, so we train up our children. But every family looks different and has different needs.
One of my favorite things to do is "make" my home. I don't have a whole lot to work with, but boy do I love getting organized and just being at home wiht my family!
Here, for example, is my new craft station, right next to the computer desk in the office / homeschool classroom. I have my sewing and knitting stuff right here next to the computer so that I can be productive while the kids homeschool. Knitting projects hanging on the rack, yarn bins under the table, baskets for notions and fabric and what not... it's all there. Yay!
This kind of stuff is simple to do, fun to do, and makes life more productive. Staying at home is a blast when we get to be creative and expressive and productive like this!!!
My point in all this , I guess, is to say that the pressure is off! Following God's call should be an enjoyable, awesome, fun-filled experience. We should always be running around like overjoyed children, awestruck at God's majesty and sovereignty and wisdom, and blessed by His goodness as it manifests in our lives, unfolding before the rest of our families as we become ourselves-- only better!
Is God ever going to give me a big, joyful, godly family? I can only hope so, but meanwhile I can only do what He has put before me: that pile of laundry, that dish in the sink, that diaper to change...
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