Years, beginnings, and babyweight

I love the end of august! Even though I'm not in school anymore, the days are cooling off (well, sort of) and I can see everyone getting ready for "back to school."

The start of a new year promises a fresh start, a new beginning, and as we know, I'm a huge fan of new starts. With summer drawing to a close I've been re-examining my goals and what not. Now that Wayne has a job, finally, I can start to look at them again without despairing that they will never get done. (Isn't it crazy how so much of ME depends on HIM?)

First off, I will be homeschooling Annika come Sept 8. She is starting preschool a little early because she is totally ready-- she's incredibly bright. She is already reading letters and numbers and shapes, and can actually pick out her name from other words. So... it's time. And I'm excited. I've purchased a really simple curriculum that we can build on as time goes by, and I imagine preschool homeschooling is more about arts and crafts than anything else, you know? It will be fun.

With this change, our daily routine is going to change. I'll be posting it here in a few days because I know I have friends who like to know this kind of stuff. Alot of thinking goes into my daily routine. I have commitments I am not going to break and goals I want to accomplish, but I dont' always have enough time in the day. With that in mind, I've created a schedule that at least allows me to do MOST of everything we want and need to do. I'm still tweaking a few parts of it, but I think being anal about it now makes room for me to really get things done later. Last year's schedule was VERY efficient and I only had to rewrite it a couple times. This year, I have new goals and challenges though.

I'm also beginning a fresh new exercise routine. My gym attendance is sporadic, even though it really is through no fault of my own. Not driving pretty much leaves you at the mercy of whoever is willing to take you, and finding someone to haul you to the gym with your two kids every day is downright impossible.
For a while there, I was going every day for two hours, hitting the big weights (Yay for having a trainer husband!) and then doing an hour on the elliptical-- if I got my way-- or the stupid bike if Wayne won. :P

Sooo.... since that's not really an option anymore with him working "normal" hours, I can either WALK to the gym every day, which takes about an hour and a half, with the kids, hit the weights, and walk back, (HELL with children!) or just do most of my stuff home gym style and hit the gym on Saturdays. I dont really know which one I will choose yet-- Wayne and I are working out a good schedule. Nevertheless, I'm pumped to get back into it. Getting back into yoga recently has led me to a greater awareness of my body. I also interviewed for a local news station recently and didn't get the job because I'm a few pounds overweight. These extra pounds are keeping me from:

Better sex with my husband (because I'm so uncomfortable and embarrassed about them)
Being a flight attendant
Being a news anchor
Being in the army
Thinking I look pretty when I look in the mirror
Having the confidence to do pretty much ANYTHING
Being confident about the next time a pregnancy comes.

When I look at all the consequences the baby weight has, I 'm anxious to get rid of it. One of my biggest problems is exercise. In this house, we make healthy food choices, and Wayne gets a good two hour workout every day. Me, on the other hand, not so much.

The reasons are varied: I dont sleep enough, so I'm tired. Which means that when I'm given the opportunity TO be active, I dont always take it. Then there's the whole not getting to the gym factor. It's about a million degrees and humid outside so I HATE just going walking. I can't jog or just dance around the house, because my dang boobs weigh about a hundred pounds each and there is no such thing as a supportive sports bra for big breasted women. Quite honestly, I get EMBARRASSED when I'm out walking, too. I feel like people are laughing at the sweaty overweight mom -- because I KNOW I dont look cute. I'm used to people honking at me when I walk down the street. After having Annika, that stopped for me,. and with it went every shred of confidence I had to actually walk down the street. The silence hurts my feelings. In fact, at the gym, Wayne has made me cry nearly every time because I'm so embarrassed to be working out in front of people, and I feel like either EVERYONE is staring at me or I'm despairing because no one is. Talk about vain.

When I sit down to do crunches and flutterkicks on my floor, the kids climb all over me and make it impossible. And since, as I've said, I dont consider exercise a pleasure, doing it on my "lunch break" when my kids are sleeping is just unbearably unfair-- I want to knit, drink tea, read forum posts, and pray. Or SLEEP!!! Not sweat and grunt. These all sound like excuses, I know,. But to be fair, they are all real reasons why finding a solution for exercise is just really hard.

Am I freakishly overweight? No way. But I'm a size twelve now, and I used to be a size seven. The weight is mostly in my face and midsection. In fact, to me, it looks like I could still be pregnant, like my body just hasn't really figured out that the swelling in my belly needs to go down. It bothers me so much that for a LONG time now, I've just thrown up my hands and said, well. Screw it.

I dont know what the answer is, but the answer is there. I can't stand it when people make excuses for me, like... "you've had two babies in three years!" etc. Sure, but some women -- many women-- have two babies in three years and have flat stomachs. I get totally upset when I see them--- I'm like, why did God make you that way and me this way?? Because I SAW those women eating candy bars and what not while they were pregnant, whereas I was SO careful and tried to eat so healthfully and get so much exercise. The unfairness of it makes me depressed, and the depression makes me shut down, and the shutting down makes me give up on ever looking "normal" again.

SO, with that in mind, I'm renewing my commitment to scaling down the pounds. Which means--- I'm going to be SUPER vigilant about what goes INTO my body and super vigilant about how active I'm being. So please pray for me, because quite honestly, baby weight affects nearly everything in my life.

It's not much, but I need to lose between 15 and 20 lbs.