Changing directions... again??

I've been thinking alot about what my friend Erin said regarding my "being all over the place." I can see how from the outside in it looks like we are always off to do new things.... but the way I see it, it's all a continuous journey.
If I had the opportunities that a lot of other people have, and if Wayne did, we wouldn't be this way. Most of our friends had their college paid for, so they didn't have to dream about going there. Most of them know what they want to be. They planned their kids and their marriages. We just sort of --- go with the wind. We didn't know we were going to get married so that threw us for a loop. Then we found out we were pregnant and that did us in (not that i dont love my kids, but now we're REALLY stuck for doing what we want to do) SO now, as a family, we've been trying to work out how to achieve our goals. They aren't major.
We both would like to get a degree. We both want to be able to travel. We both want to get out of Fayetteville. We both want him to have a job that takes care of us, with benefits. We both want to make a difference for Jesus Christ. That's all. Not very big dreams.... but dreams we're chasing nonetheless.


Wayne is stuck in a rut. He has been waiting for more than three months now on the Navy. Over a year ago, we lived here and were doing ok, but were unsatisfied and more than a little hopeless. The opportunity presented itself for him to pastor a house church in Cali, and believing we were called there, we took a leap of faith. We all know how that turned out. In California, we were promised a really sweet deal with him working as a trainer for Cross Fit here in Fayetteville. Seeing as how we disliked living in California, and Wayne had always loved training people and thought he could definitely make a career out of it, we moved back here. Only to discover that the owner of this particular Cross Fit franchise was having a hard time getting clients. And that we couldn't make a living. Since then, he hasn't really had a job. He's been trying to get into the Navy, but they have made us jump through every hoop imagineable, including asking us to spend 500 bucks on getting x-rays and what not to prove his eligibility, which makes NO sense and which we cannot do. Back in the day, the service paid for that stuff. I really think they are just pulling our chain, at this point, but I can't imagine WHY.

Wayne makes a few bucks here and there working whenever he can doing just about anything--- and we've been applying everywhere we can think of. But the bottom line is, it's just not working. None of the companies he gets excited about working for are EVER hiring here-- UPS, FEDEX, AMTRAK....

I tried really hard to go to nursing school. it seemed like a great way to help him out without sacrificing being a mom. I completed part of the training but I couldn't get my books, and because this year I had already applied for financial aid in California, I couldn't re-apply for California. So that opportunity basically came and went.

The only thing Wayne feels called to do is ministry. He wants to work with people who need Jesus. He wants to feed the homeless, encourage the downcast, and just share Jesus with people. This was ok when he wanted to be a pastor, but no one would send us to seminary and he couldn't go to seminary without me working, which we felt was unbiblical. Now that we are Catholic, he can't be a pastor. :) So that puts a dent in his plans. He can be a deacon, and still may, but he still has to get to seminary.

He wanted to apply for the fire dept here, which I think he would excel at.... but of course, so does every fresh-faced kid straight out of high school. They aren't hiring. He can't stand the idea of working in the trades, which I support because of the nature of the lifestyle he is surrounded by day in and day out in those jobs (porn, prostitiution, drugs, etc) and he doesn't want to be a cop, which I support, because he's a bit too hot headed and in this city, it's really a lifeless job. Crime is intense here. People are really rotten. It would be too hard to do and not be able to share Christ with them. That and we have NO faith in the justice system. So what to do? It's in God's hands. And on and on it goes. We've been waiting exactly one year now to move in one direction or another, and we are in a perpetual holding pattern.

This all looks kinda depressing and miserable when you look at it, and I do feel that it's been really intense to go through. We've had to learn how to depend on God for really basic living necessities, and it has been rough... far rougher than it ever has been, especially considering that we just had our second child. On the other hand , it has taught us soooo much-- about what we REALLY need, about our faith, about callings and vocations, about each other, and all the rest.

I'm committed to a submitted wifestyle, but it has been extremely difficult for me to put myself in his shoes and understand what he is going through and the despair he is feeling, without losing respect. After all, I have always been fortunate to be able to go out and do whatever I wanted to with no limitations-- if I set my mind to it, God always made a miraculous way. That's how I've had all the amazing jobs I have had. It's a new experience for me to have to hold on and wait like this.
I'm also torn. If my husband just can't do it, I should go out there. But on the one hand, I just don't feel that he will give the kids and house the same attention that I do, and on the other I just dont feel that God would want ME to be the provider!!
I've truly agonized over this for so long now it's a miracle I haven't started to get despairing over it. But last night, while Wayne was just--- bummed-- and we were going over all the possibilities in our heads--- I felt peace for the first time in a long time. I told him I was willing to go to work, if he would work ANY part time morning job and go to school. It is going to be REALLY hard for us, but I think in the long run this will be the solution, because it gives him time to explore what God is truly calling him to do without me having to stress out that I can't even afford butter anymore, you know? I am tired of being poor. I don't want much, but I do want to be able to eat what we want, to wear what we want and not hand me downs, and to see my family. I dont even care about eating out, or about "shopping." or about going to movies or whatever. Just to be able to feel like there wont be some crisis looming around every corner.
I'm a smart girl with a good resume, despite the fact that I haven't done a thing for the last three years, and I can do it.
I've got a lot of clients in my travel agency, but selling plane tickets isn't making me any profit (only cruises, tours, and vacations) and no one I know takes those anymore. I've got to find another way to supplement the family income and that just means getting out there.

The possibilities are endless. I would like to work in a church, but then I wont get benefits. I would like to go back to reporting, but since I dont drive and Fayetteville has no public transportation system, I can't really do that either. I would like to be a flight attendant, but I've got to lose twenty lbs. So I'm sure that as this week unfolds, SOMETHING will present itself. And we will take it. We aren't going to enroll Wayne in school yet because we have to do all the financial aid stuff. So next fall, he's on it. And by then, hopefully, we will either be OUT of Fayetteville, or settled here in a more secure manner. Please pray for me as we transition into this new phase in our lives. This is really a change in my thinking.

In other news, I'm on a total body workout kick. I've been going to the gym every day and that has been SO fun! The kids love the nursery there, and I do tons of stuff I never thought I could do. The first week I was so embarrassed in there I was beet red and pissed off the entire time. But now that I'm feeling a little more confident, I have so much fun!! We go as a family, and nothing beats working out with your man as a date. He is so proud of me when I lift more than the other girls around me.... hehe.

Anyways, I'm off to scour the want ads.