I can smell the warfare

Isaiah 43: 2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

This Word is like a soothing balm for me. In the last several months, I have experienced anguish unlike any I had ever known, and on so many different levels, but for the first time in my life, I have reacted with praise (for the most part) motivated in the seat of wisdom that has begun to blossom in my heart through the work God is doing in me. For even that, I am grateful.

Sometimes Satan whispers to me that I do not matter--- that in the end, all of this brave suffering and facing the things life hands me will be the demise of my soul. He tells me that God isn't listening and that He doesn't care.... that He is, as my husband sometimes puts it, like the proverbial fat kid on the ant hill with the magnifying glass. Sometimes, worse, he whispers that even if God is every bit as good as I believe, He has still ordained this great anguish in my heart, and there will be no respite from it.

Thank God for His Word! Thank God that He has promised me glory to glory and not heartache to heartache!

There have been shiftings in my little world over here that I sometimes dare not even blog about. I put a smile on for the crowds, of course, but inside I have been a stormy turmoil, an ocean of relentless aching.

I'm learning to face the consequences of sins past with a heart full of wonder that it isn't worse instead of walking around with a sense of impending doom hovering over my head like some black cloud of guilt just waiting to devour me.


I'm meeting my husband, as if for the first time, and I'm so humbled at the depth of his character and the depth of his love.
My husband is a person unlike any other (aren't they all?) in that the levels of his being are just completely..... profound. I truly believe that no other woman on this earth could walk in my shoes. (and that no man could walk in his!)

He looks on the outside like this cliche of himself, and people who meet him think they have him all figured out in less than ten seconds.
And then, they realize there is something there-- under the surface-- that will always surprise us and always bewilder us.
His motivations and reactions have always been sheer mystery to me-- and I had to learn that if I was ever going to understand him fully the first step was always just to go along for the ride.
Sometimes I think he doesn't know what he really wants, that he just flies by the mood and dream that strikes him at the moment he is most caught off guard by. Then I realize that every step he takes is ordered, even though he often doesn't know it himself... I see God working and I see the time that passes as we commit each day to each other in silence and all of a sudden he is like an unfolding onion.... transparent skin, even when it's thick, a rich aroma that promises fulfillment, and an endless array of possibilities that satisfy me.
Sometimes I slice through it hurriedly, impatient to get to the core and see what's there. More often than not, that leaves me in tears.
Other times, I'm overjoyed to sniff the air and notice the fondant smell of a slow and steady roasting over a tenacious fire....like everything else in life, he tastes sweeter to me when he's been cooking under pressure for a while. Why?
Because, like an onion, his inner self is released steadily in a marvelous display of chemistry as the rest of him melts under God's hand. He adds so much flavor to my life.

Our financial condition has only worsened in the last month, and there are very good reasons for that. Daily I am learning to take up my cross in ways I had never imagined when I thought about.... growing up, getting married, having kids.
Envy is a new sin for me--- I think when I was younger, people used to be envious of me. Now I look around at the ordered lives that people live--- their nice little houses with nice little mortgages and their nice little vehicles, and their four kids and their vacations to Europe and their Christmas parties and their neat little living rooms with furniture that matches the trim on the walls...their winter and summer closets, their fancy conditioner in the shower and their kids dressed in suits and sunday dresses at church, and part of me just wants to throw up my hands and cry: "WHEN, LORD?????"
I am almost thirty years old and I have yet to see the fruits of my own labor, let alone enjoy the fruits of my husband's. America has a knack for keeping the poor poor, and our God has a thing for reminding us often that this life is but a temporary holding pen. Yearning doesn't even begin to describe the ache I feel with regards to security.

I've often heard that women need two things to be happy in life: security and love. My husband loves me more than he loves anything else on this earth, that's for sure. But it frequently doesn't feel like love because we didn't initially speak the same language. My life is in God's hands-- and it doesn't get more secure than that. But what about my children? How can I explain to them that they can't have the things they want? We have yet to have a need that isn't really met, but I just lay in bed at night wondering how to instill in them a sense of eternity that will help them get through this which is so hard for me.

I've often wondered if I should just go out and get a job. I am super qualified to do all types of things. I've worked in tons of different fields, have a shining resume, and am really driven and "people" oriented. I've refused some of my dream job offers in the last three years because of my conviction to remain a SAHM. But despite all this, I am MORE qualified than my husband in so many ways to "bring in the bacon." Logically, it makes no kind of sense for me to be the one at home--- but I can't leave the kids. It's not that Wayne doesn't love them or try to care for them, it's that he's a guy who has never had any experience with kids.... and that's a recipe for disaster when the job is so important.
Before I got pregnant with Ishod, I got a couple job offers to be a flight attendant, and that has always been my dream. But what a sacrifice!!! I 'm so torn.
I had to quit nursing school because I couldn't afford my books or the babysitter for the hour where our schedules overlapped. It just wasn't meant to be, I guess.

At the end of the month, we are moving into my FIL's house. If Wayne gets into the military, then he will go train and I will be there with the kids. I expect it will be hard, but doable. I want to take my driving test, but just found out that I have to be insured to take the test. Yeah. Thats going to happen. I will take a few trips to get my mind off the situation, pending his waiver approval. And hopefully someone from church can take me once weekly to the grocery store and to church...there are no buses here.
If he doesn't get in, there is no plan.

We are still going to have to move into my FIL's at the end of the month, which will be really rough since he and my husband are like cats and dogs. I will probably have to send the kids to their godparent's house or my parents house for six weeks while I go train to be a flight attendant. And then we'll have to lose all our possessions again as we get RE transferred on our own dime to some big city in the US where they will send me... only this time with no waiting friends to help us out. Sigh.

Wayne got a ticket today.... our car's registration has been up since we got it in 06. We were sold a lemon, it costs more than a grand (more than we paid for the vehicle) to fix the part that will allow it to pass inspection and be registered. I can't for the life of me understand why God allowed that to happen--- way to kick us when we are completely down with our faces on the floor.

All day today, we have found solace in each other, in our love for each other, in the laughter of the children, which in the end, is really all we have. Wayne is angry at God.

Tomorrow night Wayne will be gone again to MEPS for two days, and I will be alone with the kids, waiting, watching, praying that I can see......
that I will not be drowned in the flood waters of fear that are breaking in waves over our heads. That I will not be singed in the powerful flames of anguish that are burning all around me. I am waiting to taste and see that the Lord is good.

please pray for us. This has been such a dark season on every front.