Sunday, March 30, 2008

Relieved by the Simplicity of the Gospel

I feel as if a giant weight had lifted itself from my shoulders.
Wayne and I went to Catholic Mass together today. I was longing all week to receive Christ in the Eucharist -- to the point of tears-- which surprised him and prompted a big "Real Presence" talk. Our Lady's message at Medjugorje this month prompted me to pray for conversion of my heart. (to put you at ease, not conversion in the sense of "becoming another religion," but conversion in the sense of turning my heart over to Jesus more and more.)

This week has been so intense! First my parents were visiting, my dad for the first time, and we tried to squeeze as much out of every minute as we could. Then, we baptized the kids. We are preparing to be married in the church. We celebrated our DD's second birthday (oh my gosh! She's getting so big!!) and I (through a whole long story I'll blog about another time) had to wean Ishod. (ugh.) Our marriage took a serious turn for the better as we have begun to come together more and more since pregnancy and thrush are behind me (yay!) and it is drawing us closer in the heart. Wayne has been as much changed by the events at Medjugorje as I have in that we are drawing closer to Jesus and becoming more and more in awe of His diving Mercy towards us...and praying for the conversion of all souls. After yesterday's conversation about the real presence in the Eucharist, he surprised the heck out of me by expressing interest in becoming a Catholic. I could hardly believe my ears and immediately thanked the Lord.

Meanwhile, we have been slowly but surely explaining to people what God has been doing in our hearts and it has been very touchy. Some of my friends have just listened, incredulously, and held their tongues. Others have expressed concern. The day I wrote my baptism blog about the kids, only one dear friend wrote to express her congratulations. But I did receive six emails from people telling me that my children were in danger of damnation. My dear friend and Annika's godmother said she could understand and support us in baptizing the children but that she feared we were becoming religious and thus were "out of faith." She cautioned me against that dreaded rulebook, which was interesting, because it's only in my deepening understanding of my catholic roots that I have seen my faith take a leap like never before. Why? Because in Catholic practice, we have the choice to do things by habit, rote memorization, and what not--- or to allow God to infuse us with faith for every minuscule detail of our lives and traditions, and it blows me away.

I thought about it throughout the entire Mass today as I coached Wayne through the standings and sittings and kneelings and crossings... Amazed, I realized first off that I KNEW many of the "why"s, but secondly that I was being brought to life by them too. During the recitation of the Nicene Creed today, the woman next to me bowed when we got to the part that says "born of the virgin Mary...." in special devotion to Mary. I immediately picked up on it, grateful that God is forever teaching me new ways to deepen and understand my faith in His Son. Nothing about the Mass is stale, as I had initially been trained to believe. It is as amazing as we make it when we respond to God in it.

The Homily (that's "Sermon" to you non Catholics) was marvelous...I can't even begin to describe what it was about since it encompassed so many things revolving around Divine Mercy, but the best part was when he touched on the human desire to TAKE instead of receiving. we do it all the time. It was so profound to me-- stop taking what God wants to give you and receive it. Beautiful.

There were only two of us there with Chapel Veils, so I am once again advertising the Chapel Veil Campaign. Wear it with pride, ladies.

There is so much more I want to touch on, but I'll end with this--- receiving Jesus was the highlight of my day. I have never understood the relevance of a sacrament until very recently, and I'm now beyond convinced that opening my heart to Him through this particular sacrament has been fundamental in the deepening of my love for Him and my desire to do His will. God is so good.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

To live the messages--- with pics!

NOTE: I dont have time right now to edit the pic sizes and make them fit. If you want to see the blog WITH pics, please go to my myspace blogsite and read it here:

www.myspace.com/shekinnah and search for March 25, 2008's blog by the same title.

Blessed Resurrection Season to everyone!!! With lent behind us, I feel more free to disclose all of the changes that have been going on in our lives and I am confident through "2 or 3 witnesses" that the direction we see God moving in is truly HIM!

I spent most of the lenten season fasting from books other than the Bible so that I could hear from God with regards to my frustration with the church. It wasn't so much that I DISLIKE our church-- I love it. I loved our church in California. I still do! It's that I disagreed with the way some things were done, I disagreed with a few major biblical precepts, and most of all, I felt like I couldn't fit in. Same goes for Wayne times two million.

We don't "fake it" well and we dont adapt to emotional butt patting well. We dont like catering to people's sinful emotions and we don't want ours pandered to either. We dont need all the mushy stuff that comes with church,(worship songs centered on what God does for us instead of who He is, emotional hand holding during sermons, self help sermons, etc) and we dont think its good for others to experience it either.
Yes, God connects with us relationally, but we believe it is to bring us to a place of repentance, not a place of self righteousness or self gratification.
We think God is INFINITELY greater than the box most people put Him in. We dont think He will smite those who seek Him with a genuine heart in a way He may not be into.

I have rarely felt that I "fit in," in church since getting saved. First, my life experience has been so.. different... that most Christians look at me like I'm a hopeless case. I am ALWAYS learning things that to them are obvious. Secondly, because often the fellowship seems contrived. I once prayed for God to send me some REAL Christian friends, with whom I could be open and honest, and He obliged by sending me two of my dearest girlfriends. But those girls are far now and in the last four years or so, I have made other friends. And in those friendships, I have often felt like I have to try "too hard"--- make excuses for my husband, myself etc. People , lets face it, are judgemental and have a tendency to put a stick in your wheel spokes if they see you aspire to something you maybe aren't ready for. I'm not in any way saying I don't have meaningful Christian relationships-- we have many! But I know that in those relationships there is much to be desired, and that usually that comes because of a frustration on my end and Wayne's end that we can't be OURSELVES---- struggling sinners and all.
I've blogged about it often-- we get a houseguest we can't wait to see, and then they get really wierded out because of a movie we own or a book we like to read or an activity we do regularly. They are always different because no two Christians can agree on what's "OK" and what isn't, right? And we're just as guilty-- although we stopped that a long time ago. We get so easily frustrated with the disunity within the Body of Believers, but we are at a loss as far as what to do-- exept to show them that God is real, that we love Him, and that He wont smite us if we playfully tell each other we'll kill each other or that our daughter is "chunky," or if we watch a movie which may cause another to stumble, etc.

It all goes back to that blessed freedom from the law which we encounter time and again: we go to nondenominational churches because we tire easily of baptists telling us we can't have a glass of wine or pentacostals telling us we can't dance. But then we encounter people who tells us we can't be in ministry if we don't get a degree, or people who tell us if we say "I am scared to death of cockroaches," that God will send us a certain death by a cockroach. I mean, come on. All good principles, but we can take them to creepy-creepy land rather quickly. I am all for fundamentally believing the Bible, but I am so very tired of people forgetting how to LIVE and love each other because they are so inwardly focused on their own relationship with God that they can't imagine that God might do something DIFFERENT with someone else.

Anyways, that rant being over (sorry) we had some serious soul searching to do. Wayne has all but exhausted his pastoral options because we cannot afford seminary and God has not made a way. the prophetic word about Wayne being a pastor, we have concluded, was either not from God or not about a church. Perhaps it was meant that he would pastor our family. We don't feel comfortable with some of the happenings at our church and we are finding more and more that we theologically disagree with a TON of precepts wich people consider "Bible truth," left and right.

One example for me is about the Real Presence of Christ in communion. As the year has gone on I have been made aware that I REALLY believe that Jesus is IN the eucharist. This has made me going to any church but a Catholic one absolutely meaningless for me--- I literally ache to take communion and I long for it so much that I don't see how I'm going to get through the week if I don't get it. And so far, since discovering this, I have only been able to receive the Eucharist twice! I don't drive, so I can't just "go" to mass. If Wayne doesn't feel like taking me, watching the kids, etc, I am just stuck there. And all week long I am preparing my heart to receive Jesus, so it's a huge let down when I dont get to!! I can't describe the longing I experience. I truly am beginning to understand what my CCD teachers taught me when I was a kid-- that the Sacrament of the Eucharist is spiritual sustenance. For me, that reason alone is enough to leave it all behind. I feel like Joan of Arc in the messenger sometimes.... being told she can't take communion yet and shouting: "I want to be at one with Him NOW!"

But nevertheless, I had to explore the other tenets of the Catholic faith that a protestant person is just completely freaked out about--- Saints. Mary. Confession to a Priest. Purgatory. Infant baptism. If any of these were not OK, then I shouldn't be receiving communion, you know?

Mary spoke to me through Medjugorje and I cannot but be a "friend of Medjugorje" myself now. Through her intercession and her apparitions, she has not only drawn me closer to her Son than I can remember being, but she has also shown me that God is infinitely greater than I had imagined, infinitely more loving and personal with us. Along with an understanding of Mary and a reconciliation with her came an understanding of the Saints, which developped an understanding about Purgatory, which led me to infant baptism. ... which led me to Resurrection Sunday--- an amazing Easter in which my heart was made whole!

Wayne and I baptized my children on Easter. We have been debating about it for several months now. The children's godparents felt that though it wasn't "wrong," it wouldn't spiritually "do anything" for them. Me? I'd been going to Catholic church as often as possible for a while whenever Wayne didn't feel like going to our usual church, often alone, and I was sure that I wanted to raise them up in this type of environment. I also wanted to do it as an act of reconciliation towards the Catholic Christians in my family I had wronged. On the other hand, I wanted to be in complete submission to God and my husband-- so if infant baptism turned out to be unbiblical in any way, I wasn't going to do it. We explored it and decided we would do it IF God made the way, which was going to be VERY hard. We had one week before my parents came out to visit and weren't members of a Parish for six months previous. The children's godparents were not Catholic and thus didn't have any paperwork. Then, at the last minute, everything came together... we found out they had an opening on the one Sunday my parents would be here, that we could have two sets of Godparents if one was Catholic, that the Catholic godparent's paperwork trail had come through (we almost called the Pope at one point we were so frustrated with it! :P) and that both the kids could be dunked on the same day. The same day they told us, Friday, we read over the ceremony to make sure that we agreed with everything. Wayne didn't at first-- he felt there was a difference between a Christening and a Baptism. He almost said no, but then changed his mind as we did more research.
Long story short--- initally, infant baptisms WERE practiced. These babies were baptised as a sacrament which represents an act of GOD-- not the baby--- which initiates them into the faith. It is then the baby's job, as s/he gets older, to respond to their baptism through the reception of the other sacraments. Baptism, also, removes the stain of ORIGINAL sin.. after which our sin is our own responsiblity. All of this, we agreed with. Later on in the history of the church, baptists decided that baptism was about a personal decision for Christ-- although that isn't necessarily biblical. So instead of being something GOD does, baptism became something WE do. Pentacostals, nondenoms, etc, followed suite.
It was a stretch for Wayne but he prayerfully wrapped his head around it and in the end, thought it was a good idea. After all, God came to save ALL men, right? So if we baptise all men, we are acting in accordance with God's word. People who respond to that baptism by obedience to God's word are sealed in the book of life.
Ultimately, even if you disagree, you cannot believe that it would HARM these kids spiritually. For us, it ended up not only being only "ok," but "wonderful!" We rejoiced over them as they were initiated into the body of believers and named for Christ.... receiving a new nature. We are looking forward to helping them respond to their call to God. And Wayne was a really good sport about all the beautiful traditions he didn't know a thing about! What a first mass---- having such an active role! :)

And me? I was able to receive the Eucharist-- what a blessing! I wish so much that I could go every day.

Anyways, here are the pictures of our amazing, miraculous day. We don't have many because we had a camera glitch, but I was able to salvage a few-- although they aren't great.

Here's my brother and his wife, holding Ishod, preparing to help us raise up our children as disciples of Christ. The kids' other set of Godparents and my dearest friends, Liza and Chad, were not present in body but we lifted them up in prayer during the ceremony and are excited about their own roles in our children's upbringing.

Here is Wayne and Annika. Wayne has the "what are these wierd Catholics going to do to my poor kids?" Look on his face :P

This is the Altar at the Church. In Catholic churches the lectionary is off to the side and the central focus is the altar, on which the Lord's Supper is prepared.

Here is the baptismal font, watched over by Mary and Joseph. The illuminated oil under them is the oil with which the children were annointed as they were welcomed into the faith. the priest (and we) traced a sign of the cross on their foreheads with it. He also annointed their eyes (to see the word) ears (to hear the word) mouths (to speak the word) and hearts (to live the word and accept it into their hearts!)

Here we all are getting ready to dunk them :)

Opening presents:

and having some awesome family time:

What a glorious day! We ended on a feast of lamb and eggplant and I felt right back at home in my own house :P

Please pray with us for our children as they learn, day by day, to walk with Christ.
To live the messages at medjugorje is to love the Lord and to love others with all our hearts-- to pray, to fast, to live for God. Pray that we would live the messagesin our family for the world to see!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The City of Brotherly Love

Just got back from an amazing trip to philadelphia.
Wayne's sister lives in King of Prussia, a little community in the Philly suburbs. He totally loves it there and has often maintained it's the only "city" he would ever live in... so I was very, very curious to see what it was like.
We drove up on Friday morning, expecting an eight hour trip through several states. Unfortunately, it was DUMPING rain. The kids were really cranky because there was nothing to do or even look at, we could barely see anything, and traffic was inching along. We made it to Washington DC around 14:00, and thought we were making good time, but didn't count on insane DC traffic keeping us at such a slow pace that it took us SEVEN MORE HOURS to get to Philly from there. Wow.
Poor kids--- we all needed to pee, they needed changes, we were starving and tired. We had cookies for dinner because we couldn't find a place to stop. Awful.
We did, however, get to see some really amazing sights, including the capitol building and my very first IRL LDS temple. Which was huge and amazing.
I started getting stoked about 1/3 of the way into Baltimore when I started bonding with the road signs: we went from alternating "Waffle King, JESUS IS LORD (Closed on Sundays)" with "24 hour topless ROADSIDE CAFE" to "OUR LADY, QUEEN OF PEACE, PRAY FOR US!" and "IT'S FRiDAY-- HAVE You ABSTAINED TODAY?" Awesome.

Anyways, we got there at about nine PM. I was immediately taken by the scenery--- it looks SO euro in certain parts!!! Many of the houses had tons of character, there were rolling hills and forests and deer---steps that led no where, remnants of old buildings. Really neat. She lives by a little stream and they have such a cute home.

She's the one sister who really "made it" in life (Wayne's sisters and brothers had a really difficult upbringing, making it a challenge for them that few people could comprehend.) He looks up to her because she has a wonderful family, own her own house, two cars, has college she paid for herself, a great job, etc, etc. For him: she's made it. I love her because we are like two peas in a pod. I always wanted a sister growing up and she and I have so much in common it's ridiculous. She's a very special girl and has such a wonderful family! She's ambitious and fun, culturally literate and interesting, and always has a positive thing to say.

Her husband was doing his National guard weekend so we didn't get the chance to enjoy much of his company, but she does have two kids, one is eleven and the other is nearly two----perfect for Annika to have a total blast.

There was a lot to do in just two short days, so we took advantage of every opportunity. I became TOTALLY smitten with the area--- the Burrough of Bridgeport in particular. Little townhouses lined the street where they were preparing a block party.
Men in utility trucks were driving home after work and getting accosted by gleeful, numerous children as they walked in the door. Moms sat on the porch rocking babies and preparing snacks for the neighborhood kids. St. Patrick's day decorations were up. A couple guys got out of a truck in kilts! The fire department is a mostly volunteer force...cementing the strong sense of community. Block parties abound. The schools are amazing. There is a BEAUTIFUL Catholic church on ever corner. People have grottos in their front yards, with Mary extending her hands to passersby. It looked like heaven to me--- very near to what we saw on Ft. Bragg the other day.
It's a totally blue collar community, of course, but it's a good dream. And more importantly, it's an achievable dream. I knew immediately what Wayne liked so much about the area. Wow.

We had a lot of fun. Philly is beautiful, full of a rich historical heritage and culturally fascinating. I couldn't quite get used to the ----I'm sorry, but this is personal opinion---- hideous accent people have up north, but it definitely provided entertainment. (I kept thinking about Carri on King of queens going: "I mean, do I Towalk so frigging bowad?) My nephew Alex said: "Aunt Barbie, why do you say "totally," all the time?" Hahah.

Anyways.... I have a feeling things are on the up and up. I've discovered a Secret that really changed the way I looked at my circumstances. I don't feel powerless anymore and I don't feel that God is allowing us to go into "Job mode." I feel that God is watching us and waiting for us to pick up the reigns and DO what He's given us to do.

My MIL has given me a van so I can tote the kids around and is footing my car insurance bill, so I'm going to go take my driving test for the first time two fridays from now!

Wayne and I both have a renewed heart for our marriage and our family. We don't feel that things are out of reach anymore. We feel energized and ready to face the world.

God is so good. :)

Thursday, March 6, 2008

wow

Prayer is amazing. This morning I awoke with fresh perspective~ thank you so much for praying.

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

I was determined to talk it out with Wayne and see what could be done, which was a great thing. We determined that since the Navy is taking their sweet time, they probably aren't going to say no, but yes ONCE he can fill a slot they need filled... which may take a while. Today he got a job, to do while he's waiting, which should be really good b/c it brings in about as much as he had been making! We don't have to move in with his dad and will do so ONLY IF he gets accepted into the Navy~ praise the Lord!!

As if that wasn't enough, we are totally amazed at what our God has done for us in the form of our tax return. I mean, amazed. Now we can pay our bills!! Annika told her Nanou all about it on the webcam.

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

THEN we got a check in the mail from a dear friend who reads this blog!!! So nice and so helpful. (thank you so much! I'll email you as soon as I get back!)

THEN I got randomly given enough money to pay this months' utility bill.... while I was sitting on the couch knitting and praying! Literally, a friend came by, said "hey, i think you need this more than I do right now," and dropped it off!! The crazy part is-- she doesn't own a computer and I haven't seen her in two weeks... she has no idea how much we needed it. Praise God.

As if that isn't enough, Uncle andy bought us a steak and lobster dinner the other night-- here everyone is enjoying it.

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

Ishod laughed for the first time

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

ANNNNNNNDDDDD..... I have been given the opportunity to go to Philadelphia (my dream city!!!) for free for the weekend with the kids!!! we leave tomorrow morning at 8:30! wow. God is incredible. Makes me feel bad for struggling. My flesh is so dang weak.

ANyways, I can't thank you guys enough for praying. really. I am sooo (we are soo grateful!)

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

Simple Living Guide

The SImple Living Guide

Every time that we are up against a move I go into deep simple mode. My kids will probably hate me for this when they re older, but it really helps to maintain the sanity in all this. Also, I just recently participated in a thread in Darla Shines' happy housewives club that reminded of the joy of simplicity. I know I've blogged about this before, but some of them have PMed me asking for details, so I thought I'd share with all of you.

To give you an image of what the meaning behind simple living is, I'll quote from my response in the thread:

" SO here's where I learned all this: basic training. I can make you a list of the things I "owned" when I was in basic.

3 set s of uniforms,
3 sets of PT uniforms
2 pairs of boots
1 pair of tennis shoes
My bible
My journal
My prayer book
Paper for writing letters
A couple pens
Stamps
six sets of bras and undies and socks
one dress uniform
a toothbrush
a bar of soap
a washcloth
a towel
a canteen
a razor
a bottle of lotion (that i used on my face, hair, and body!)

and thats IT!!!

But you know what? I've NEVER felt better about life then when things were that simple. You have what you need, you stay busy so you don't get bored, and you enjoy fellowship and teamwork and community with others. If you have to go somewhere, you can have your whole life packed up in one duffel in less than thirty minutes. Laundry day is easy and enjoyable. These are incredible lessons in simplicity for us----- I feel like in society today we allow our possessions to creep into our homes and overwhelm us completely. I know people who have entire attics and garages full of THINGS that now hang over them like a dark cloud of "extra things to do." I know people who live in appartments half the size of their actual apartment because they are so cluttered with "things.""

Also, simple living looks different for every family because every family has different needs. For example, I enjoy knitting, so I keep knitting stuff. Another woman may enjoy decorating, so she might keep little trinkets around the house. Get me?

What follows is my basic plan for home simplification. Modify it as needed.

STEP ONE: Assess.

Go through each room of your house with a pad and pen. Under each room heading, list the "NEEDS" and "WANTS." put a check mark next to the things you already have, and S next to the things you can sell and an X next to the things you can just give away/throw away. If you do not already own one of the things on your list for that room, then highlight it and decide if you need to buy it or if you can get it from somewhere else (craigslist, freecycle, etc) Be ruthless.

Create a "packing list" of personal posessions. If a flood were headed your way in a half hour, what would go in your bag? These are your "needs." Everything else is a want.

STEP TWO: Implement.

Get out the trashbags. Dump trash in one, giveaways in another. Set aside.

STEP THREE: Re-evaluate.

Repeat step one and two.

STEP FOUR: Last things.

With the money you have from the sales of unnecessaries, refurnish with the things on the highlighted list.

STEP FIVE: Repeat.

Yearly.

Hope it helps!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

I can smell the warfare

Isaiah 43: 2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

This Word is like a soothing balm for me. In the last several months, I have experienced anguish unlike any I had ever known, and on so many different levels, but for the first time in my life, I have reacted with praise (for the most part) motivated in the seat of wisdom that has begun to blossom in my heart through the work God is doing in me. For even that, I am grateful.

Sometimes Satan whispers to me that I do not matter--- that in the end, all of this brave suffering and facing the things life hands me will be the demise of my soul. He tells me that God isn't listening and that He doesn't care.... that He is, as my husband sometimes puts it, like the proverbial fat kid on the ant hill with the magnifying glass. Sometimes, worse, he whispers that even if God is every bit as good as I believe, He has still ordained this great anguish in my heart, and there will be no respite from it.

Thank God for His Word! Thank God that He has promised me glory to glory and not heartache to heartache!

There have been shiftings in my little world over here that I sometimes dare not even blog about. I put a smile on for the crowds, of course, but inside I have been a stormy turmoil, an ocean of relentless aching.

I'm learning to face the consequences of sins past with a heart full of wonder that it isn't worse instead of walking around with a sense of impending doom hovering over my head like some black cloud of guilt just waiting to devour me.

I'm meeting my husband, as if for the first time, and I'm so humbled at the depth of his character and the depth of his love.
My husband is a person unlike any other (aren't they all?) in that the levels of his being are just completely..... profound. I truly believe that no other woman on this earth could walk in my shoes. (and that no man could walk in his!)

He looks on the outside like this cliche of himself, and people who meet him think they have him all figured out in less than ten seconds.
And then, they realize there is something there-- under the surface-- that will always surprise us and always bewilder us.
His motivations and reactions have always been sheer mystery to me-- and I had to learn that if I was ever going to understand him fully the first step was always just to go along for the ride.
Sometimes I think he doesn't know what he really wants, that he just flies by the mood and dream that strikes him at the moment he is most caught off guard by. Then I realize that every step he takes is ordered, even though he often doesn't know it himself... I see God working and I see the time that passes as we commit each day to each other in silence and all of a sudden he is like an unfolding onion.... transparent skin, even when it's thick, a rich aroma that promises fulfillment, and an endless array of possibilities that satisfy me.
Sometimes I slice through it hurriedly, impatient to get to the core and see what's there. More often than not, that leaves me in tears.
Other times, I'm overjoyed to sniff the air and notice the fondant smell of a slow and steady roasting over a tenacious fire....like everything else in life, he tastes sweeter to me when he's been cooking under pressure for a while. Why?
Because, like an onion, his inner self is released steadily in a marvelous display of chemistry as the rest of him melts under God's hand. He adds so much flavor to my life.

Our financial condition has only worsened in the last month, and there are very good reasons for that. Daily I am learning to take up my cross in ways I had never imagined when I thought about.... growing up, getting married, having kids.
Envy is a new sin for me--- I think when I was younger, people used to be envious of me. Now I look around at the ordered lives that people live--- their nice little houses with nice little mortgages and their nice little vehicles, and their four kids and their vacations to Europe and their Christmas parties and their neat little living rooms with furniture that matches the trim on the walls...their winter and summer closets, their fancy conditioner in the shower and their kids dressed in suits and sunday dresses at church, and part of me just wants to throw up my hands and cry: "WHEN, LORD?????"
I am almost thirty years old and I have yet to see the fruits of my own labor, let alone enjoy the fruits of my husband's. America has a knack for keeping the poor poor, and our God has a thing for reminding us often that this life is but a temporary holding pen. Yearning doesn't even begin to describe the ache I feel with regards to security.

I've often heard that women need two things to be happy in life: security and love. My husband loves me more than he loves anything else on this earth, that's for sure. But it frequently doesn't feel like love because we didn't initially speak the same language. My life is in God's hands-- and it doesn't get more secure than that. But what about my children? How can I explain to them that they can't have the things they want? We have yet to have a need that isn't really met, but I just lay in bed at night wondering how to instill in them a sense of eternity that will help them get through this which is so hard for me.

I've often wondered if I should just go out and get a job. I am super qualified to do all types of things. I've worked in tons of different fields, have a shining resume, and am really driven and "people" oriented. I've refused some of my dream job offers in the last three years because of my conviction to remain a SAHM. But despite all this, I am MORE qualified than my husband in so many ways to "bring in the bacon." Logically, it makes no kind of sense for me to be the one at home--- but I can't leave the kids. It's not that Wayne doesn't love them or try to care for them, it's that he's a guy who has never had any experience with kids.... and that's a recipe for disaster when the job is so important.
Before I got pregnant with Ishod, I got a couple job offers to be a flight attendant, and that has always been my dream. But what a sacrifice!!! I 'm so torn.
I had to quit nursing school because I couldn't afford my books or the babysitter for the hour where our schedules overlapped. It just wasn't meant to be, I guess.

At the end of the month, we are moving into my FIL's house. If Wayne gets into the military, then he will go train and I will be there with the kids. I expect it will be hard, but doable. I want to take my driving test, but just found out that I have to be insured to take the test. Yeah. Thats going to happen. I will take a few trips to get my mind off the situation, pending his waiver approval. And hopefully someone from church can take me once weekly to the grocery store and to church...there are no buses here.
If he doesn't get in, there is no plan.

We are still going to have to move into my FIL's at the end of the month, which will be really rough since he and my husband are like cats and dogs. I will probably have to send the kids to their godparent's house or my parents house for six weeks while I go train to be a flight attendant. And then we'll have to lose all our possessions again as we get RE transferred on our own dime to some big city in the US where they will send me... only this time with no waiting friends to help us out. Sigh.

Wayne got a ticket today.... our car's registration has been up since we got it in 06. We were sold a lemon, it costs more than a grand (more than we paid for the vehicle) to fix the part that will allow it to pass inspection and be registered. I can't for the life of me understand why God allowed that to happen--- way to kick us when we are completely down with our faces on the floor.

All day today, we have found solace in each other, in our love for each other, in the laughter of the children, which in the end, is really all we have. Wayne is angry at God.

Tomorrow night Wayne will be gone again to MEPS for two days, and I will be alone with the kids, waiting, watching, praying that I can see......
that I will not be drowned in the flood waters of fear that are breaking in waves over our heads. That I will not be singed in the powerful flames of anguish that are burning all around me. I am waiting to taste and see that the Lord is good.

please pray for us. This has been such a dark season on every front.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Knitting Content! (no pics, though)

My friend Amanda has just started knitting and blown me away by finishing like... four or five FOs in like, a couple weeks. I can't even finish Annika's God-forsaken legwarmers, so what's up with THAT?

So I did something kinda nuts today. I frogged about six WIPs and decided I was going to BUCKLE DOWN and finish these few first before making ANY more-- and that includes my beloved Scotland Mission Shawl, which I am desperately in love with.

I'm not yet a very GOOD lace knitter, although it's my favorite thing TO knit, and I'm not sure why.
It seems like every time I 'm doing lace repeats, my rows get shorter or longer, but I can't find a single mistake in them! its' the wierdest thing.
So I panic and add a few stitches, only to find out that the next row has me with MORE than I'm supposed to. And even with all this madness, the pattern itself comes out flawless. What is going on??

Also, I'm almost to the short row heel on Interweave last spring's toe up ribbed socks which I'm doing in a crisp kinda beige superwash now. Last time, this was the definitive cause of hair pulling on my part-- lets' pray I get it right this time around.

Praying in the mystery

The Rosary is a topic which I cannot seem to get enough of these days. Years and years ago, I owned several rosaries and would carry them with me. This was long after I had encountered Christ and really was starting to try to walk with Him. I used to hold them when I prayed, but I didn’t actually PRAY the rosary because I had never payed attention to HOW to do it.

As time went by and I got discipled, I was told over and over again to get rid of my rosaries because it was inappropriate and unbiblical to pray one--- vain repetition , and all that. :)
I believed it , and got rid of them--- all except one, which for personal reasons meant a great deal to me.

YEARS later, and very recently, when I had started yearning to use one, I came across it. I asked Wayne and we had a lengthy discussion in the R&P and in life regarding "praying with beads." I reasoned that I could pray on the beads and not use vain repetition, he insisted that it was the praying on beads itself which was pagan in origin and therefor unacceptable. I took to fervent knitting while praying, which gave me the same tactile element, but really, though it was a meditative calm that overtook me in my knit-praying, my prayer life didn’t take on a new element.

Then someone told me I could pray a rosary whenever I wanted without beads because I had ten fingers. Intregued, I realized that the point of the rosary wasn’t the beads but the fact that it was a set series of prayers. Which yes, when done "for the sake of doing it" CAN be vain repetition, but if it’s done with a heart of prayer, can be life changing. Since beginning that day to pray the rosary, I’ve been amazed at how much deeper I have come into understanding the life and death of Christ. I feel closer than ever to Jesus and overflowing with His peace that surpasses all understanding, all through this relatively simple practice which has radically altered my prayer life.

First steps: resolving the pagan myth. Back in the day, monks in monasteries used to pray the psalter, a series of psalms. In order to keep track of which ones they had prayed, they kept rocks in pouches, transferring them from one pouch to another as they finished one psalm. Eventually, this practice turned to a cord with knots, which became a cord with beads. Both types of rosaries are available today.

The prayers themselves emerged over time as the rhythmic story of the church’s relation to Jesus through Scripture. Essentially, it is a series of Our Fathers, Hail Marys, and Glory Bes, which take you through a meditation on one of four aspects of the life, ministry and death of Christ, depending on the day of the week. As you recite the rosary, your praying takes on a rhythm and your mind is freed to focus on the aspect of Christ’s life you are meditating on. When I first began to pray the rosary, I was amazed at the similarity in the experience with praying in tongues. Your tongue just goes---- and as it does, your mind, your heart, and every breath of you is focused in prayer. Often, you aren’t even aware that you ARE praying, you are so caught up in the meditative calm, focused on the image of Christ for that particular decade. You come away with a new understanding of Christ’s life and a powerful example of living to follow daily.

The prayers themselves are taken from scripture. You recite a certain number of the prayers on each "decade" (set of beads) and each decade is devoted to meditating on one part of Christ’s life.

Me? I pray the rosary especially because in recent appearances of Mary (for example, at Fatima) she stressed the importance of the rosary in a true conversion of the heart towards God. Initially, I heard this and was skeptical, to say the least, but now that I know the rosary, I believe completely that she would say this--- it has been an incredible way for me to literally walk into the Bible and see the Word of God come alive in my mind’s eye--- and see my Savior in a whole new light. Praying the rosary connects me directly to Jesus but in doing so, I am also linked to my sisters and brothers in Christ, which is amazing.

In fact, Pope John Paul II had some really interesting insight about the rosary in one of his apostolic letters, which I will paraphrase. He said that even the shape of the rosary is a meditation: the whole thing is focused on the cross of Christ, centered and anchored there, through a series of interconnected chains and links... representing the prayers of the church.

The rich tradition of praying the rosary has infinitely deepened my prayer life and elevated me to a whole new level of appreciation and love for my Savior, all the while amazing me completely as I ponder what else I’ve been missing all this time.

For more information on the power of praying the rosary, please see: www.rosaryarmy.com

If this is war, and I believe it is, we need the best equipping possible. There is a promise of peace attached to the mindful praying of the rosary.. because through it, hearts will be turned towards God and His reign will be brought down to earth.

A simple rosary (the most basic form of the prayer) chart looks like this:

The mysteries are, in order:

The Scriptural Rosary: The Joyful Mysteries

The First Joyful Mystery: The Anunciation

Our Father ...

The angel Gabriel was sent by God to a virgin;/ and the virgin’s name was Mary.
Luke 1:26-27

Pages

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Monday, March 3, 2008

The Scriptural Rosary: The Joyful Mysteries

The First Joyful Mystery: The Anunciation

The Second Joyful Mystery: The Visitation

The Third Joyful Mystery - The Nativity

The Fourth Joyful Mystery - The Presentation

The Fifth Joyful Mystery - The Finding of Jesus in the Temple

The Scriptural Rosary: The Luminous Mysteries

The First Luminous Mystery: The Baptism in the Jordan

The Second Luminous Mystery: The Miracle at the Wedding of Cana

The Third Luminous Mystery - The Proclamation of the Kingdom

The Fourth Luminous Mystery - The Transfiguration

The Fifth Luminous Mystery - The Institution of the Eucharist

The Scriptural Rosary: The Sorrowful Mysteries

The First Sorrowful Mystery: The Agony in the Garden

The Second Sorrowful Mystery: The Scourging at the Pillar

The Third Sorrowful Mystery - The Crowning with Thorns

The Fourth Sorrowful Mystery - The Carrying of the Cross

The Fifth Sorrowful Mystery - The Crucifixion

The Scriptural Rosary: The Glorious Mysteries

The First Glorious Mystery: The Resurrection

The Second Glorious Mystery: The Ascension

The Third Glorious Mystery - The Descent of the Holy Spirit

The Fourth Glorious Mystery - The Assumption

The Fifth Glorious Mystery - The Coronation

How to Recite the Chaplet of Divine Mercy

1. Make the Sign of the Cross

2. Optional Opening Prayers

3. Our Father

4. Hail Mary

5. The Apostle’s Creed

6. The Eternal Father

7. On the Ten Small Beads of Each Decade

8. Repeat for the remaining decades

9. Conclude with Holy God

10. Optional Closing Prayer

Fair Use Notice:

This blog is under the patronage of saint Mary Magdalen

Catholic Demonology

Spread the Word