Arg

Wayne and I woke up at 5 am today. I was nursing the baby and he came in to get dressed for the gym and sat on the edge of the bed. He shared with me that he was going to leave the Mens' Mentoring for Full Time Ministry class at church.

He said some things that I agree with--- he wants to develop Jesus Christ's DNA and not Pastor Fletcher's, as much as he loves the guy and thinks he's amazing. He loves the church and wants to serve the people at Manna, but in ways he is good at (like doing XBOX cells with David) and not in ways that are being asked of him (like manning the new member table.) He wants to serve God and be in ministry, but not the path that's laid out for so many others and determined by Manna's DNA. (ie. GO to GCD. Get ordained. Be one of the pastors.)

And so, just like that, the final thread of pretense that my husband will one day be "that guy" I've built up in my head since before we were even married is gone.

I shouldn't say that--- we never know what God will do and with Him all things are possible. However, in this season, something very yogic is happening to me. It's like peeling away the onion skin layers of the koshas on my man....First we had to strip the layer that was the "Christianese" veneer. Then we stripped away the layer that "looked like everyone ELSE'S husband." Then we stripped away the one that dealt with his inner workings as I saw them. Then we stripped away the one that represented his heart focus. And now, he's standing before me, raw, and I love him. I'm scared and frustrated, and struggling to find joy in this trial, but I love him. And amazingly, I love him for who he is, not because I have to according to the Bible.

So.... now what? I feel like I've dwelled on this for a week now, and it has alternately broke my heart and been a huge relief. My pride took another fall today as I watched the words leave his lips--- all I could picture was people's faces as they would react to the news that Wayne is leaving the cell when he tells them on Sunday morning. Most of me wishes he would just stop and play the game. I think of these guys as Wayne's ticket to his future. Part of me is glad that he can't play the game right now. After all, his only future is in Christ, not necessarily in what these guys are doing. I admire these men so much, but I admire them as a measure of their success. And I'll admit, alot of that is a wordly admiration. I'm proud of them for allowing God to mold them into "somebody."

But I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my back. Now, things get real. There is no more shiny film over our family in the eyes of others. There is no more expectation because Wayne has determined that he needed to go back and be a face in the crowd.

Let's see what happens. And because my identity has once again been stripped from me..... I'm incredibly uncomfortable. I need the mind of Christ for this situation, but I don't know what that is.

What I really want to do is find some tiny, old, gorgeous church.... made of stone, with big cathedral cielings and windows that let the sun in through colored panes. One populated with older folks and families in suits....one where we sing hymns and where Annika and Ishod can play quietly in the pew beside us as we worship as a family. One that's basically the opposite of Manna. (and this is NOT because I don't love Manna. I love it passionately, I'm amazed by it every day. I believe in it's vision and I pray daily for it to come to pass. It's because I am craving a fresh perspective, a change, to help me get through this.)

I want to find a church like that because there are no aspirations in places like that to do world-changing things for God. Churches like that are content to be who they are--- places in which God is glorified and people can come to Him as a family. The body of believers there is equipped to serve one another, but not to advance the kingdom violently through mighty feats of excellence in leadership and demonstrable signs and wonders. They serve lunches at the senior center and bring flowers to young mothers. They have bake sales and prayer meetings. And they live quiet, peaceable lives. In a place like that, I wouldn't be inspired, encouraged, and often pressured to be more and do more than God has currently graced me with the ability to do or be. I would be pressing on towards the goal, but in a way that allowed me to focus without the strain of wondering how I can (and how I can get my husband) to do more, be more, and have more to show for the Kingdom. No, my husband probably isn't destined to have a multi-million dollar ministry where thousands of souls get saved every day. Is that ALL God can do with people? Is that the only measure of success at godliness? Ultimately, isn't God the one who calls the shots, and shouldn't we be satisfied with what He is handing us?

I told Wayne the other day that he was in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction. I see now that it's not just him.

Lord, forgive me for allowing the fear of man to replace the fear of You so easily in my life. Forgive me for not seeing past the structure of this church into the heart of what you are doing. Forgive me for placing fallible men on a pedastal above your infallible Son. Most of all, God, thank you for the Cross. Thank you for the blood of Jesus, by which my sins are cast as far from me as the East is from the West. I pray that you would use this experience, God, for your glory, and that you would navigate our family through these bumps in the road and keep us on the narrow path. Help us, most of all, Lord, to love each other and to love You, and not to care what other people think. Help us to measure our success by how much we look like YOU and not like other people.
In Jesus' name. Amen.