The Last goodbye.

Wayne and I were supposed to go to St Helen’s and Constantines Greek Orthodox Church today. It’s close by our house and a place where Wayne really feels drawn. We’ve been preparing to go there all week, reading up on what to expect, etc, etc. Lo and behold, when he woke up to get dressed this morning, we realized he doesn’t own any slacks—only jeans, and we had been warned not to wear jeans to church. Bummed, we decided to check out the Maronite Catholic church around the corner, which is also beautiful and intreguing. It’s called St. Michael, the Archangel’s, and is nestled in the heart of downtown.
We looked online to see what time mass was at, only to discover that the church doesn’t have a website and the phone number listed at the dioscese of Raleigh was wrong. Bummer! But it was totally the Lord. We realized that it was 9:30 and that we had just enough time to scoot and get to Manna for the Global Outreach Celebration which has been going on all week.
This is the week where Manna brings in all of its Ministry partners which the church supports either financially, or in prayer, or in any other way they need. The missionaries explain their situation and what their life is like, and by hearing what God is doing around the world the idea is that we (the congregation) would be moved to do our part in “advancing the Kingdom.”
I had fresh in my mind all of the things which our beloved pastor, Michael, had been pushing over the last few years alongside his fellow leaders in this “third wave of the Spirit.”
During worship, I just couldn’t get my mind focused on God. Wayne and I shared some really intimate moments last night for the first time in what seemed like a year, and I was thinking about him sitting next to me and wondering what he was thinking about what he was seeing and hearing.
Manna had up some new, expensive looking decorative elements and was doing a new thing with the lights during worship. I saw my friend’s husband walk in, who just came home from a really long deployment to Iraq, and I watched them hug and kiss and got teary-eyed peeking into their joy. I saw another friend’s family whose son has a huge tumor in his brain. The son was gleefully participating in Worship and I thought about how that must touch the heart of God. By the time I was really ready to worship, we were already settling down to hear some of the tales of missionary wowiness.
The first “Event” was super disappointing, a makeshift SriLankan crusade which enabled us to participate in the event like a fly on the wall, only they had done the same bit last year and it felt “done.”
The second was a man sharing his testimony of spreading the gospel in North Korea, and was very touching. It reminded me that the whole point of all of this is our place in Heaven…. And solidified our assurance of salvation.
Then came the sermon. I was not shocked that God had placed us here to hear this sermon, that happens to me often at Manna. 
He started off by talking about the “two types of churches.” One was a socio-religious organization, the other was a biblically mandated structure. He was making the point that his vision for Manna Church wasn’t to have a “religious holding pen” for believers but a place that is actively chasing hell. Ideally, he was right, and the connection was made, I’m sure, in the hearts of the congregation. But I couldn’t help but be frustrated at the fact that his own church in many ways fit more into the type one church than the “biblically mandated” church--- he claimed that biblical churches use the LAY PEOPLE to do the ministry and not the “profesionals,” and yet time and again we have hit road blocks in ministry because we can’t get the “professional credentials” they ask for. He claimed that the church’s money isn’t about making US comfortable but about making the world know Christ, and even talked about how poorly “cared for” our own church building was because the money should be going to the outreach--- excuse me???? The church offices at Manna look like the president’s living room. We definitely don’t penny pinch with regards to the audio visual equipment. And I wish my kids nursed longer JUST so I can sit on the luxurious couches in the nursing mother’s room. Now I realize that money is a touchy subject, especially there , because Michael’s goals for Manna church are GROWTH. He believes with all his heart that a healthy church needs size, because he believes what he was saying in this sermon--- that the PEOPLE are the ministry. But I think somewhere between his head and his heart, the message is getting scrambled.
I don’t intend for this blog to be a critique of his sermon, but I found it ironic that we were there for this “motivational speech” on why we should be participating, dedicating our lives, to advancing the kingdom of God on earth.

You see, Wayne and I don’t have the opportunities that many people have. We can’t afford to spend even five dollars on a “women’s luncheon,” let alone a couple grand to “join in” on a missions trip somewhere exciting. Some might say, well then God is n’t providing, but the thing is, He provides through people. At least, that’s how he always done in our lives. God pays our bills, but there is naught left over for trips around the world, let alone around the country. There isn’t anything left for us to make something for someone else. In fact, I recently for the first time in months had an excess of bread mix and gleefully whipped up some pumpkin bread for that muslim family I am always wanting to bring food to. And guess what? They can’t eat it. It seems so frequently that this kind of thing occurs in our life!

We have painfully but faithfully given up ALL of our possessions to follow the call of God where ever He may lead three times now in our marriage. We have danced for church leaderships high and low and done “all the right things” to show that we were serious, to the point of having to repent for trying to “prove ourselves” to the leadership instead of standing on God. That’s why we no longer sit in the front at church. We were trying to people please too much and forgetting it was about pleasing God in secret.

I personally speak seven languages. I have connections to “unreached people groups” in European countries where Jesus isn’t even in the vocabulary. My parents own land in a village in France where it is said that the devil OWNS the territory and small statues of him are erected to perpetuate and commemorate this fact…. and I have connections to entire colonies of diseased and dying people who desperately need Jesus. I have pleaded with our churches time and again to HELP where I saw a need, to help me if they didn’t want to do it themselves.

I want to make shawls for cold poor people but I can’t even get one person to send me five four-dollar skeins of yarn, let alone to invest ten hours or so in making one themselves! I want to send bibles to France but I can’t get a church to pay for them. I want to make socks and blankets for Israeli orphans but I can’t get anyone to help me. I want to share the gospel with the old lady who works in the “fromagerie” in our little village in the alps, before she dies, but I can’t get there. I want to stand on the mountain near that village where a priest once hiked JUSt to plant a cross that would be visible from all sides of the valley and pray, but I can’t get there. I am an arab jewish Catholic Jesus Freak ----- making me a true “be all things to all people” person. I can fit in almost anywhere…. And I have a deep, resounding (and reciprocal!) LOVE for people along the mediterranean and in the middle east that I simply cannot describe with words. I was an english major, I can teach english. I can sing. I can pray for people. I can teach the Bible. And that’s just me!!! My husband has his own amazing sets of talents and gifts which he desires to use for the glory of God, and together we make an amazing team.

But God hasn’t used one single one of those things to “advance the kindom.” When I went to France this last year, I was opposed on ALL sides and felt that I had barely planted seeds--- maybe just scattered them and prayed for a plant! I was alone and not covered in prayer, and so I felt that nothing that happened there really MAtTERED. I didn’t have an enouraging testimony, only a depressing one upon returning.

I get so upset at events like this one because they select worship songs with lyrics like: “Here I am Lord, Send me,” or “Jesus, I invite you to spend my life.” Or “I will go, Lord, if you send me!” and it’s like I’m SCREAMING “I WILL GO, LORD!!!!” But not one person sees me.
At one point during the sermon, Pastor Fletcher made a point to shake his finger at those people who are afraid to go to places like China with a suitcase of bibles. He basically made it a point to shame them for their cowardice (all in love, of course) and tell them they should go.
I looked at my husband and thought how that must have felt like someone slapping him in the face. Wayne would probably die of joy if someone handed him a suitcase full of bibles and a plane ticket to China.

How often had he tap danced in front of this same pastor, as if he were jumping up and down shouting: “Me! Please pick me! I’ll go anywhere and do anything!!!” and Pastor looked around the room, completely oblivious, and went: “Really? No one? Okay, I’ll go.”

Wayne has written letters to his district pastor asking for theological guidance, anxiously checking his mail every ten minutes, and received nothing in return. He has bared his very soul to these guys and begged for them to help him find meaning in what he was doing, so that it wasn’t just “vanity,” but still, he gets nothing. And when he asks them to pray, he gets back chiding comments about how they aren’t sure it’s God’s will for his life. These guys are supposed to help him figure out what IS God’s will for his life, for his family. Equipping beleivers, right? But in the end, every lesson has been directly from God Himself, in His great mercy, ever the grace giving God that He is.

I don’t know why God never made the way for us to “get into ministry,” through the evangelical path. Manna church is in the top tier of churches in the world that are of this particular type of DNA. Our pastor is one of the most sought after pastors in the world. If it didn’t happen here, it’s not going to happen in any of them.

We love Manna so much. The Spirit of God is all over the leaders, the annointing is strong, the call is loud, and the people are responding--- it is such a blessing to be a part of it. But I feel disillusioned as I meditate on what God is doing to us as a family… not in a bad way, but just freed from this persistent yearning to “belong,” where we didn’t really need to belong in the first place. We have made wonderful friends at Manna. Most of them, we rarely talk to or see. But we love them dearly and they are an encouragement to us often! We pray fervently for the leadership of Manna Church. We will always do so, because God is working in their lives and that’s what we want to see. But it’s as if this huge veil has lifted and we no longer feel pressured to “conform” to this image of evangelical righteousness, of perfect Christianity, of arrogance, almost, because WE know the scriptures. If our interpretations of the scriptures are SO right, then why do we mess up sometimes? Why do we still have a need for repentance? If we have ALL the answers and darkeness flees us always, why do aren’t we on a plane to Israel and why do we still fight with each other? Why do I still complain, even when I KNOW how to fix the problem? Why are we never “good enough” in the eyes of the leaders of this church to do SOMETHING even remotely more powerful for God—other than baking casseroles and hearing someone out on the phone? Oh yeah, because even if we WERE in North Korea, we’d be baking casseroles there too. We build up “ministry” because our pastors are superstars and it’s disgusting. We forget to serve our families because we are too busy serving “The Lord,” and it’s disgusting. And while Manna doesn’t encourage that, it’s a natural by-product of that kind of numbers-driven environment.

So many times over the years we have been members here I have wished that we could “disappear” or blend into the crowds. When you know the pastors and they know you, people look to you for guidance, support, etc, and you are expected to act, believe, and do things a certain way, in keeping with the “DNA” of said church. Didn’t show up to Intercessory Praise and Worship Sunday night? Uh oh. Didn’t go to the men’s breakfast? You’re slipping. That isn’t encouraged, of course, but it is present nonetheless. Nevermind that no one asked if I had childcare or if we could afford the ticket to the men’s breakfast, you know? That’s the biggest thing I missed about Catholic Church. There are no superstars there. The priest, the pastor of the parish, is usually the most humble and poor of all. You don’t get “recognition,” and you don’t get promises of great things “For God.” You get a promise of a hand to hold along the journey, a promise of community, and of encouragement. You get someone, alongside you, who also has bruised knees and who also has a broken heart. If you don’t show up to the Fish Fry, sister so- and so might show up on your doorstep with some tamales she made from scratch instead.

I said it in a thread this morning, and I’ll say it here again: The thing about Spirit, Breath, and Wind, is that it will always slip through the crack in a closed door and it will always escape from a closed box.

God is alive. He’s everywhere. We don’t need to conform to the imperfect image we are presented in the places He is talked about most. We need to conform to HIM. To live a simple, quiet life, and to work with our hands, and to love each other. Period.


This was the perfect “going out” service for us to attend. We are so thankful for our time here and we recommend Manna Church to anyone in the area because God will grow you there!

the BODY of Christ

The BODY of Christ

I am nauseated as I sit here writing this.
It's ironic that this is coming from me considering my recent "Return to Rome," so to speak, but I want to be clear: my decision to return to worshipping Jesus in a Roman Catholic setting is not about my displeasure in my previous church, or any other churches before. It is also not about me right now believing that the RCC is infallible and always correct. It is about me believing two things: 1. That wherever TWO OR THREE ARE GATHERED IN HIS NAME, there He is. Meaning that God is clearly at work in many different areas and structures, and I'm not condemning or calling "untrue" any other church community that believes in the Jesus Christ of the Bible and confirms the creeds. 2. The RCC's theological stance is closest to what I personally believe the Bible describes about most things. As I have really settled down to study the "doctrines of difference," I've discovered two things-- that first of all, Catholicism doesn't teach or endorse half the things protestants fear that it does, and that second of all, there is valid biblical support for every theological belief upheld by the RCC. Lastly, one cannot deny that the thing missing from any protestant/nondenominational segment is true apostolic authority, which is deeply entrenched in Orthodoxy and something which cannot be argued about.
So all this to say that for ME it makes sense, and that's why I've made this decision, in conjunction with my husband and fully knowing that there are going to be areas in life which the RCC is still learning/working towards the Godly ideal, just as anywhere else.

That being said, one major factor in our decision has been majorly influenced by increasing disgust with nondenominational movements at which we have been on the "cutting edge," so to speak. Many of us have been influenced so completely by other believers in certain areas we don't even KNOW there is a name or a movement which describes what we are working towards. I wrote often about our concern over the church in Isla Vista working towards "relational" Christianity, a term coined by Graham Cooke who runs a prophetic ministry that encourages that particular type of "church." Other "types" of churches we have been heavily involved with are the House Church movement, Latter Rain (in some ways) and the neo apostolic charismatic movement, or the new apostolic reformation.
We 've been borderline involved with emergent churches, although we really believed that emergent churches were "dancing with the devil" so to speak. We have also been involved in the Family Integrated Church movement, and the Christian Reconstructionist movement, and the Kingdom Now movement---- AL WITHOUT KNOWING WE WERE INVOLVED!!!!
The only reason I ever learned the term "new apostolic reformation," which has been something I've been fed and fed and fed until I almost threw up at Manna, was because I happened to google our pastor's name alongside some apostolic terminology-- Lo and Behold hundreds of thousands of poeple out there believe the members of Manna church are involved in a dangerous cult, and we don't even know it!

The names which have become like old friends to me: Derek Prince, Charles Simpson, C Peter Wagner, Jack Hayford, Cindy Jacobs, Michael Fletcher, Michael Cotton, Luis Bush, Doris Wagner, Graham Cooke..... these names pop up like a creepy jack in the box in nearly every conversation I have with people about "the church." They are the "forerunners" in the spirit-led world of God--- they are the "generals" in this Spiritual War. And yet in each case, I can find dozens and dozens of articles WRITTEN BY THEIR HAND which make claims so outrageous and unbiblically founded that I cannot but fear that the whole entire world has gone crazy. What ever happened to SIMPLE faith? What ever happened to 1 Thessalonians 4:

10And in fact, you do love all the brothers throughout Macedonia. Yet we urge you, brothers, to do so more and more.

11Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, 12so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.
In each structure, we have been taught that "God is doing" X, or Y, or Z, and it behooves us to participate in some way--- in Global Prayer mobilization, in Missional living, in Spiritual Mapping, in Missions Initiatives, in Marketplace evangelism, in Apostolic Networks, in all these extra biblical "things" which supposedly are on the front lines of this great war against Satan. We stand on the prophetic, even when it means people like Jim Lafoon (and I'm not saying this against ANY of these people, I do believe they are completely in love with God and want to serve Him) come to your church to do prophetic horoscopes for you and your family--- telling you who you are, what you have been through, and what is to come.

In other ways, we have been taught to faithfully intercede in major warfare like the 10/40 window and now the 40/70 window, both of which I find incredibly offensive and completely extra biblical. And yet it's easy to eat it up when you attend a vision casting speech by one of the leaders in America's Charismatic movements----easy to "Catch the DNA" so to speak, as Manna likes to call it.

In recent developments, Manna is doing it's annual Global Impact Celebration, at which we learn the developments in missions going on in the world. We were so upset when we saw their bulletin about the financing--- 25 000 dollars to China to build a pastoring school of sorts--- a seminary where Chinese church leaders will be indoctrinated to "catch the DNA," but only 8000 dollars to send BIbles, which, of course, the people of China are crying out for every day. I'm not saying Manna doesn't care about getting bibles there-- they do! But they've evaluated the situation and decided that it's better to train believers HOW TO BELIEVE than to allow them to figure it out for themselves--- woah.

It seems the more time goes by in our involvement with the nondenominational aspect of evangelicalism, the more we see movements in which people think
: "This is it! This is the definitive move of God towards what Church should look like."
I've been watching it happen on the bookshelves at Borders year after year. When I first got saved, the book titles all screamed: "Third Wave of the Spirit," and then "Relational," and then "Emergent," and now "Warfare and deliverance!"
It's as if we are fascinated with discovering how to act like the "One True Church."

Entire cults have been founded on this basis (ahem, Latter Day Saints, I'm looking in your direction.) and all of these things have stemmed from Orthodoxy, which, in the very beginning, before all of this nonsense, claimed to be "The One True Church." It wasn't the Roman Catholic CHurch that ran off to create new structures--- it was us who, ironically, searched for perfection and split, and broke, and repented, and tried again... only to try to build an entire empire based on this stuff we think we "now" know "better."

These days, prophetically speaking, I've been eating up the concept of the upcoming "transfer of wealth." I recently posted the prophetic roundtable's word about it in this blog.
And the very same people who bring you the extra biblical this-is-the-real-thing transfer of wealth are the people who at this moment in literal war rooms complete with prayer radar screens in the Colorado mountains are planning to destroy the faith of millions in the "40/70 window" by interceding against the Roman Catholic Church's influence along these equator lines... in places like Europe and along the Silk Road. The warfare goals for this upcoming movement, spearheaded by C Peter Wagner's "Apostolic" teams, especially include battling the "Queen of heaven," the marian apparitions which seek to Unite the entire Body of believers through belief in her Son, the only one under heaven by whom salvation can come. The Marian apparitions have often united Muslim believers to Catholics, and so they cannot be from God, the presupposition claims, but I would challenge anyone to really meditate on the meaning of "loving your neighbor AS yourself," and wonder how one can see the unification of Muslims and Christians under a banner of love can be a negative or unscriptural thing? Ultimately, there is only one way to be saved, but that doesn't NEGATE our direct command to love others in the manner of Jesus: correcting false doctrine sternly at times and gently at others, always with love as our primary motive.

I am increasingly sickened by the nondenominational-cum-denominations affirmation that there is not "One True Church," and yet in the same breath doing everything they can to create a church that looks JUST LIKE THEM....

When Wayne and I were praying about missions to the UK, we came across the only two churches really active in the country: Destiny Churches (a word of faith movement so not for us) and City Churches, which seemed to have the same DNA as our beloved Manna. A little more research showed what I feared: "the goal of City Church is to be THE only church in ...... (name that European city.)
Why? Why this incessant need to make everyone around you a clone?? Why can we not accept that God does different things with different people, and that we need to be vigilant to both accept the cultural and "religious" differences that make this place as interesting and varied as God intended, of course within the realm of what scripture dictates CLEARLY as acceptable worship?

It seems to me that people have completely forgotten to test the Spirits according to the number one Litmus test provided for us in Scripture in 1 Cor 12:3: Therefore I make known to you that no one speaking by the Spirit of God says, "Jesus is accursed"; and no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the Holy Spirit.

I used to say that I yearned to see a united church, but now my soul is crying OUT for it--- I just cannot tell you how sad it makes me to see these things, and how much it must grieve the heart of Jesus. At the core of that is why I believe in Medjugorje---- it's a call to Unity, Conversion, and prayer--- for the days are near when we will wish we had.

Soup and Religion

Years and years ago, my mom bought me this book called "Twelve months of monastary soups." I abandoned it on the shelf but I've pulled it down today because Wayne keeps making these INCREDIBLE soups for us to eat.

I'm really amazed by the efficiency and budget friendly aspects of soup. For someone who feeds four people on a 60 bucks a week grocery list....thats big.

You make them easily, in large quantities, and they last throughout the week. They get better with age, are timeless, can be "dressed up" or "dressed down," eaten cold or hot, and best of all, cost next to nothing. Very cool.

the basic soup recipe is: saute all the veggies in olive oil, then throw in pot with a decent amount of broth (depending on taste) and water, toss in a few cloves of garlic and one chopped onion, some pepper and salt, maybe some cheese or cream and stir on low for 3-4 hours.

Most soups can achieve the ultimo protein amount by adding 1 cup cooked rice. If you are avoiding carbs or fasting, leave the rice out and possibly have fish or meat instead.

So here's my new weekly lunch menu. The day's leftover soup will be eaten with meat for the following day's dinner.
I'm going to include our breakfasts because if you want to copy this weekly menu, it helps to know what we do for bfast too.

MONDAY:

B- eggs, cheese, turkey bacon
L-Cream of Celery soup
D=Turkey and leftover Potage Deux Legumes

TUESDAY:
B-eggs, cheese, turkey bacon
L-Split pea soup
D-Beef and leftover Cream of Celery Soup

WEDNESDAY:
B-eggs, cheese, turkey bacon
L-Black bean, tomato and chicken soup
D-Leftover Split pea and feta chicken

THURSDAY:
B-eggs, cheese, turkey bacon
L-Potato Leek Soup
D-Turkey and leftover Black bean tomato chicken soup

FRIDAY:
B-eggs, cheese, turkey bacon
L-Lentil Onion Soup
D-Fish and steamfresh veggies

SATURDAY:
B-eggs, cheese, turkey bacon
L-Southern Pinto Beans and Ham hock and cornbread
D-BLTA sandwhiches

SUNDAY:
B-eggs, cheese, turkey bacon
L-Potage de deux legumes
D-Chicken and Steamfresh veggies

Super cheap, super easy. Works for right now :)

Anyways, in other news, Wayne and I are still waiting on the Navy. We weren't going to tell anyone but since he did, now I can say it too... yay. We are pretty intensely introspective today. The kids can feel the mood and are quiet and pensive too. We've all been really cuddly, and a bit tearful. We don't know what's ahead.

I got a gift from a dear friend today that really made my day---- 12 skeins of Telemark in red, 6 hanks of Shadows in a grey-blue, and 12 skeins of palette in Ivy from Knit picks. That means I can do the three projects I've been dreaming of :)

So stoked.

Please keep praying for us!

the American dream

It's been nearly a year since I've been on post. Tonight, my brother and his wife invited us over to inaugurate their new house with a family dinner. They were so lucky to get into Senior Enlisted housing, which from what I understand isn't the easiest to get. Wayne and I used to walk by their neighborhood, dreaming of raising our kids in a place like this.

Their house is amazingly cute-- super simple with hardwood floors and new paint. They have a quiet little yard for their dogs and a nice, big basement. My sister in law has done a wonderful job of decorating with all the nice things they got from their big, beautiful dream wedding. Each room has a theme. In one of the rooms there are portraits of her grandparents at their wedding bordering a wedding portrait of their own. My grandfather's photograph in his Dress Blues. Paintings of the houses my brother and I grew up in in France. A basement full of memories from their childhoods.

Wayne and I sat on their front porch and looked out at the field in front of their house and the dozens of cute, matching houses across from them. We took in the giant Southern sky and the waving American flag as the wind brushed against us and TAPS played in the background. After dinner, the next door neighbors invited us over for S'Mores... they had set up a giant fire pit and camping chairs, and Annika chased a little boy around the yard while the dogs barked in the background. It was warm, windy, and totally magical--- the kind of night the South is made of. And it was so strangely nostalgic-- we could stare out at the rows of houses with warm light coming from inside and the bright sky and Wayne looked over at me and said: "this is everything I've ever wanted."

It might not sound like a big dream, but I know what he means. Our drill sgts always told us we would regret our decision to take off--- and we have. But never so much as days like today. Wayne's whole life happened on a southern Army base, so for him, it's a reminder of the kind of world he wants his kids to grow up in: one that's safe, and fun, and patriotic. One where people know the price they've paid for a life that's both serene and meaningful.
For me, it's a reminder of those seemingly endless days at Golf company at Ft Jackson, using polishing my boots as an excuse to trail under the open sky, looking up and wondering what God was going to do about me and my little green husband who was so close, two buildings away, and yet so far away and untouchable. I'd write him love letters there and pray and read my bible, and tell the Lord about the family I wanted and the life I was hoping to have.

Our life is, in nearly every way, the opposite of my brother and his wife's. We are what you might call "fundamentalist" Christians, they are Grace and evening prayer Christians. We are poor, they are wealthy. We are spontaneous, they plan every instance they can imagine in their lives. We are very anti-cheese, they are a walking Hallmark card. We are stuck where we are, they are world travellers. We have kids, they have only each other. But in all of those differences, I am able to, for the first time in my life, see God at work in their lives as powerfully as He is in ours.

Watching them tonight, settling into their home like a TV sitcom on the Army life, daydreaming about their future family and organizing their little universe in their perfect little house with the perfect street, I was almost jealous--- I WAS jealous--- because for the first time in my life I could see how a little planning and a whole lot of work could create what they had wanted out of life. The trouble with me is that I've never really known what exactly I wanted--- I've always been so unidentifiably DIFFERENT from the things I saw around me that I had to try everything out, always changing, always looking for new things to experience.

But looking at them tonight, Wayne and I both knew that THIS was a glimpse at what we've been looking for. And I think we both realized the cost, for the first time in a LOOOOOONG time, of following God. Because God has not promised us that life, as perfect as it looks. And because of that, we are challenged to the core by what lies ahead. But in the same instant, I can look at that scene and know that one day, we will have even more than that--- that our heaven will look even better than Ft. Bragg, NC on a perfect day. Better than my grandmother's house in Marseille on a Summer Night..... Better even than the little things (my children's laughter, a really good song, a pound of garlic steamed Dungeness Crab from Joes' Crab Shack...)

Wow.

Unity starts in the marriage setting

I feel so fortunate that God has called Wayne and I to unity with the WHOLE body of believers.... and it has been so interesting to see how we work it out "amongst ourselves."

For instance, the minute he gave me the green light I pulled out my trusty old Catholic Bible, the one I had been reading long ago when Jehova's Witnesses had begun to ask me if I knew God had a name! (hee hee.)

The NAB is one of my favorite translations, but I had always felt guilty reading it. Years ago, I had had my own "bonfire of the vanities" in which I had trashed dozens and dozens of Catholic books and items, believing wholeheartedly that maybe having those in my house were one of the reasons I felt such a pull to the Catholic church. At the time, I got rid of almost everything except a) a Sunday missal that my brother had carried with him and read throughout his tour in Afghanistan. b) a black rosary, and c) a St Barbara medal.

Various reasons: the Bible had been a gift for my confirmation and meant a lot to me because it had been the first bible I ever really read that drew me into a study of the Word of God . The missal had been sustaining my brother's faith in Christ through the tragedy of war and through a frightening hospitalization because of that war. The Rosary had been the first "religious" purchase I had ever made, bought in a time when I could feel God's call on me but wasn't sure what to do with it. And the medal was given to me as I went through confirmation, to remind me that I had of my own decision decided to follow God in the way the woman on the medal had-- radical devotion was due my Jesus.

I never gave these items a second thought until last month when I longed to once again pray the rosary, and fished it out to show Wayne. Once in a while, over the years, I would pull out the missal, either to remind me of my brother's love for Jesus as I interceded for him, or to scour its pages looking for "unbiblical" stuff I could hold against the RCC, looking for a reason not to go back.

When Wayne gave me the go-ahead, the first thing I did was pull out my Bible. And for Lent, I've been alternating using that one and my KJV, sometimes both at the same time. It sits next to my bed, and the other day Wayne opened it and found a card in the cover that has a painting of St Barbara on it. He freaked out and asked me why I hadn't gotten rid of it. I reflected on why I couldn't part with it---

My grandmother had given it to me at my first communion. St Barbara had been so devoted to Jesus that even when her father ordered her to renounce Christianity, she had refused, to the point of being burned alive by him! My grandmother had told me that she prayed that when I had to choose between life and God, I would always choose God. Did I think the card had some magical power that would protect me? Not a chance, but I did believe that looking at it reminded me to meditate on what the life of a woman devoted to Christ might look like.

That's the thing--- it got us talking and thinking about "Christian superstition," and how easy it is to fall into that trap. His concern, obviously, is that i thought owning that particular item would somehow "protect" me from evil or keep on the straight and narrow. THat's what he assumed when he saw that card in my bible.

In the past four months, I have had nondenominational people in all seriousness tell me to "write scripture on wooden posts and plant them at the four corners of my house, thus "staking" my house out on the Word of God, to write scripture on my mirror that reminds me of who I am so that I don't "forget," to speak the name of Jesus audibly into each room of my house whenever my kid starts acting rebellious, and I recently had someone suggest that every time I uttered the word "sick," I was bringing sickness onto my family. (as in, saying "I think I might be getting sick.")

Superstitious? totally. The Word of God makes certain ASPECTS of those things clear-- we should know scripture, we should speak it into our lives, we should call on the name of Jesus when in need, we should maintain "pure" words, etc. But there are very few "ritual" things that may aid us in that-- annointing people with oil is biblical. Laying on hands. And the Bible even tells us that handkerchiefs which belonged to the apostles had "healing powers." So there's a fine line between these things and superstition... and it's one that Catholics tend to err on one side of, and protestants on the total other side. As usual, the middle path is always best. Our eyes should be fixed firmly on God, believing that God alone is our deliverer, and that through Him alone are some of these things possible.

But we should not neglect to use the things which God has given us for our protection, either. I have a friend whose mom knew that a scarf which had been given her as a gift had to go because it was causing her to act strangely. Turns out the scarf had been taken off a dead indigent in wartime by an american soldier in her family, and then given to her as a gift. These things DO happen-- but we must be VERY careful to, as the Word says, test the spirits. and there comes a point when we need to recognize that our "strength is in the LOrd and none other."

Anyways, walking through these things with my husband over the last few months has been so great, because though it can frustrate us, we are both being purified and learning to let go of some deep rooted misconceptions we have about Kingdom things.

We are like our own little Ireland over here-- small miracles happening thanks to the message of the gospel, but also the ominous threat of war because of cultural misconceptions. We are treading carefully, we are seeking ways to unite. We are learning, every day, that division of the Body Of Christ is of the devil, and that the one who rejoices in it is in sin.

I've rediscovered the Taize community--- once again, a place I once had the honor of pilgrimaging to, but at the time it meant nothing to me. It's a small community in France where unity is the ONLY important thing.... protestants and Catholics hold services together, pray TOGETHER, and learn as they live in this community how to BE THE BODY OF CHRIST. It's a beautiful thing.

The Connection Spark

Message of January 25, 2006 of Our Lady at Medjugorje:
"Dear children! Also today I call you to be carriers of the Gospel in your families. Do not forget, little children, to read Sacred Scripture. Put it in a visible place and witness with your life that you believe and live the Word of God. I am close to you with my love and intercede before my Son for each of you. Thank you for having responded to my call."

March 25, 1991

Dear Children,

Again today, I invite you to live the passion of Jesus, in prayer and in union with Him. Decide to give more time to God who gave you these days of grace. Therefore, dear children, pray and in a special way, renew the love for Jesus in your hearts. I am with you and accompany you with my blessing and my prayers.

Thank you for having responded to my call.


Message of May 25, 2006
"Dear children! Also today I call you to put into practice and to live my messages that I am giving you. Decide for holiness, little children, and think of heaven. Only in this way, will you have peace in your heart that no one will be able to destroy. Peace is a gift, which God gives you in prayer. Little children, seek and work with all your strength for peace to win in your hearts and in the world. Thank you for having responded to my call."

Message of December 25, 2006
"Dear children! Also today I bring you the newborn Jesus in my arms. He who is the King of Heaven and earth, He is your peace. Little children, no one can give you peace as He who is the King of Peace. Therefore, adore Him in your hearts, choose Him and you will have joy in Him. He will bless you with His blessing of peace. Thank you for having responded to my call."

Message of November 25, 2006
"Dear children! Also today I call you to pray, pray, pray. Little children, when you pray you are close to God and He gives you the desire for eternity. This is a time when you can speak more about God and do more for God. Therefore, little children, do not resist but permit Him to lead you, to change you and to enter into your life. Do not forget that you are travellers on the way toward eternity. Therefore, little children, permit God to lead you as a shepherd leads his flock. Thank you for having responded to my call."

Our Lady's message for December 25, 1994 is:

Dear Children,

Today I am rejoicing with you and I pray with you for peace. Peace in your hearts, peace in your families peace in your desires, and peace in the whole world. May the king of peace bless you today and give you peace. I am blessing you, and I carry each of you in my heart.

Thank you for having responded to my call.


The messages contain a sign for today of what God is calling His body to~ unity in the Holy Spirit, fervent prayer, warfare against the dark, devotion to the King of Peace, and a spirit of peace as we "season the world" in preparation for the return of The King.

As I come to a deeper understanding of Medjugorje, I am completely changed. I recently read a book about a Lutheran reporter who went to study the happenings at Medjugorje. As he was researching the story, he and his wife popped a tape containing some of the miracles into the VCR. And as they watched, he heard the audible voice of Mary telling him to write about these things, because he was going to be used to carry the message to places it mattered. His wife, who had not heard the voice, turned to find her husband a crying mess--- and watched closely as he explained what had happened to him. She was surprised, but not disbelieving-- she too had been changed by what she had seen on the tape.

His response was immediately to turn to Jesus---- he fell on his knees and "prayed as he had never prayed before." Suddenly the reality of God was so clear to him, and he knew that he had been born for "such a time as this."

Years later, as he spoke in a war torn church in Northern Ireland, where Protestants and Christians are literally killing each other in a war that seems to never end, he was able to share a message of peace from the heavens that made a significant impact on the battle in the area.

Our Lady's message is that HOLINESS, PRAYER, FASTING AND THE UNITY OF BELIEVERS IN HER SON are all that is needed in order to advance the kingdom in these last days--- to impact the earth and bring the souls of thousands upon thousands before the King.

She has been appearing for years telling people this same message, but no where has it been as profoundly universal a message as it is here. The message is NOT just for Catholics, though she may speak in terms that Catholics understand better because she is appearing TO Catholics. The message is for everyone who will hear-- repent and believe.

I think the reason God, in His mercy, is allowing me to experience the profound blessing of Medjugorje from all the way over here is that it speaks directly to the crisis Wayne and I have been undergoing from day one as a married couple, seeking to live in unity with each other for Christ.

We are stretched and tired, and we have both deeply fellowshipped and been completely disgusted with things we have seen in the different churches we have been members of over the years. We are constantly seeking to be unified with one, perfect congregation, only to discover that God works in some ways, allows people to work in other ways, tolerates some things, and loathes others... but that ALL these elements are present in the local churches. We have learned not to discount miracles just because they aren't our "flavor," or "brand," and we have learned that God is infinitely present even in our deepest human failings.

Last night, I was deep in repentance for making an idol out of the churches I attend-- hoping to find within their structures something profoundly simple: fulfillment. But the truth is that fulfillment is found only in Christ, and that our worship of Him, whatever it looks like, offered from a pure heart, is the only thing that matters.

In the same day yesterday, Annika dug up a book which I had been looking for for years to return to my mom. It was the life story of one of my great aunts a nun in a fraternity she had founded called "the little sisters of Jesus." Two others of my aunts had followed in her footsteps, giving themselves over to the work of God by living amongst the people they served, being "as they are," and ministering in that way. The deep difference in the way these particular nuns serve is that they do not teach, or educate, or in any way lord over the families they are in service to. They love and serve alongside them-- working in factories for free, living as nomads among nomadic communities, working in food service or in daily hunting and gathering.
They do not seek to build churches and plant new congregations in their own image, but only to share the love of Jesus and to see hearts turned to Him.
The simplicity of the way they share the gospel has always moved me, but never more than yesterday as I thumbed through the book and remembered the pictures I'd so often ignored. (I'm fasting from reading other books than the Bible for lent)

In the same day, I confessed to Wayne my incredible struggle with the disgust I was feeling in the nondenominational churches we had been members of for so long, in particular with the irreverence and with the financial decisions. I told him how I LONGED to go to Catholic Church-- just ONCE-- and to worship in the simplicity of the mass--- knowing that there was no "competition" on the plate there, only simple worship. And he shared with me the story of a man named Sundar Singh, who met Jesus as he was becoming a Hindu Holy Man, and who-- instead of turning to the churches in his country which were being planted FOR Indians by the English, and in which Indians began to dress like Englishmen and sound like Englishmen, decided that he would continue to be an Indian holy man, only dedicated to Jesus. In this way he was able to reach thousands of Indians who would otherwise have been untouched, and is known as "the apostle of the bleeding feet," for where his travels have taken him.

Both Sundar's and Sister Magdalene's stories share the same message-- and it's the message of medjugorje-- it's the gospel.
Our churches are not what matters. Jesus Christ is what matters. Our adhesion to the Body should never be more influential than our adhesion to the identity of Christ.

As Wayne said: "that's why it's totally fine with me if you are Catholic, but I want you to CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN, because the name of Christ should be good enough for you"

(interestingly, in France, Catholics are CALLED Christian in normal usage, not Catholic. But I get what he means. )

One of the important decisions I wanted to discuss with him was the idea of transsubstantiation-- if you'll recall, I was going to devote a whole blog to the idea that the bread and wine either literally or not become the body and blood of Christ.

Biblically speaking, to ME, it's evident that they DO--- and i had only rejected that because it's what I was TOLD in nondenominational churches. For instance, in my life application study bible, in the note under where Jesus says "take and eat, this IS my body," it says: "Jesus didn't mean that it really WAS His body." But it doesn't say why, nor can I find ANY biblical references that explain why it isn't. My good friend S sent me a great email explaining how, in the greek, it was clear that it wasn't--- and my husband, who doesn't believe AT ALL in transsubstantiation and read her email, was jumping for joy when he read it, but the fact is that the translators still made the decision, in EVERY translation, to write: "this IS my body." You see the dilemma? To me, at this moment, I can not find a single scriptural reason why it wouldn't be so-- I think it's wierd that non Catholics, who always take the Word of God at complete face value and believe it literally, would make an exception for the idea of communion, saying that it's "symbolic" when Christ's words don't imply symbolism.

On the other hand, Wayne makes a great case for it's symbolism based on other Scriptural references : "I am the Door," says Jesus, and yet we don't believe He is IN the door. You know?

As His wife, I have the responsibility to allow my husband to lead me spiritually, which has been agonizing over these last weeks because I dont want to be led into falsehood-- if transsubstantiation IS real, then it radically changes the way I face communion every time, you know? It's clear that i believe it and he doesn't, and so by submitting to him I'd be believing something I know is a lie. Kinda like the rosary-- I KNOW that praying the rosary is scriptural (the rosary is a series of prayers taken directly FROM the Word and a guided meditation ON the Word) but it makes him uncomfortable for me to pray on beads, which is my favorite way to pray the rosary, especially since Our Lady of Fatima HAD a ROSARY BEAD NECKLACE IN HER HAND when she appeared. For me, it's a moot point-- God wants us to pray, the rosary is a powerful meditaiton on scripture, Powerful apparitions of Mary and Jesus the world over implore people TO pray the rosary, I'm going to pray the rosary.

But what I've discoverd through all of this with my husband is that the point is to GLORIFY GOD and to give HIm the reverence He is due no matter what the situation.
If I believe it's real and Wayne doesn't, Wayne says that the important thing is to approach Communion with the utmost reverence and humility of heart because THAT is the point--- Jesus IN the bread and wine or not. We remember Him, we proclaim His death for our sins on the cross-- and THAT is all we know FOR 100 percent sure.
It doesn't matter, ultimately, and shouldn't be something that we allow to separate us, because we have to learn to together come before the Lord of Lords with people who, culturally, will have all kinds of "wierd" habits and things they do to get close to God, but the point is the people. God's heart is for people, whatever they are doing, so long as they are loving Him.

And that's huge! Its' the reason why (and I didn't know this at the time) the story of the Magi affected me so greatly over Christmas. God used astrology, something He hates, to speak to them because He wanted to meet them where they were at. His presence was in that star that He KNEW they'd be looking for, and it brought them near to the Son of God.

We must be able to be all things for all people, and to demonstrate LOVE for humanity in a way only the Savior of the World could do. Wayne and I are realizing more and more that denominations are Satan's way of confusing the Body, preventing us from connecting with one another in the power of God.... and that since even "nondenominations" are a denomination now, we must continue to walk as Jesus did-- among the people, being a light, however we can.

So this Sunday whether I'm joyfully reunited with my Catholic bretheren at Mass or gleefully praising the Lord in extravagant worship at Manna Church, I can look at my totally non Catholic husband on one side and the totally atheist person that may be sitting on the other side of me and know that the point is to pray for the salvation of souls and the peace of the world. Period.

Wayne's answers for an atheist

His Response:

1. Why won't God heal amputees? God has and does to this day. I have a friend who prayed over a girl in Kenya who had no teeth here whole life. She was twelve. He came back six months later and the girl had a perfect set of teeth that had grown in. There is not a single ailment that Christ can not and has not healed. See, smart asses like the guy who made that stupid video assume that God is a vending machine and anything they want they should get. They think that whatever is being prayed for should POP out of thin air, immediately just because they asked. There is no faith in that equation. And further more it usurps God’s authority to be God and make His own decisions. One thing that stands true that every atheist scoffs at is this… God ALWAYS has a plan.
2. 2. Why are there so many starving people in the world? Because there are people in this world who fall into the hands of people like the guy who made this video. People who only think about themselves, destroyers. Like Mohamed Farah Adid in Somalia, using hunger as a weapon against the weak and defenseless. Other humans are to blame not God.
3. 3. Why does God demand the death of so many innocent people in the Bible? If you look at the instances quoted in the video we see that the people spoken of are Jews who submitted to the Law. They made the choice to live by those rules and accept the consequences of breaking them. Those people weren’t innocent. They had willingly gone against the command of God. The Law was designed to be harsh, so that men would learn not to rely on themselves which is exactly what this hippie would have you do. God made the penalty harsh not for the sake of carnage but to prevent sin and protect the flock of His chosen people.
4. 4. Why does the Bible contain so much anti-scientific nonsense? God is a God of miracles and sovereignty. He is not obligated to abide in the suppositions of men. He is outside of time. He is outside of the “rules.” He made the rules! When you were two did your parents go to bed at 7:30 like you did because it was a rule? No. You see the duality here in the mindset of the atheist who made this video? In question one God is bad for not making miracles on demand and now, God is stupid for not adhering to science. Which does this guy want: A God of miracles or a God of science?
5. 5. Why is God such a huge proponent of slavery in the bible? God isn’t, but he can use any man in any circumstance. Just because he had dealings with slave owner doesn’t mean he condones it. As a matter of fact, in Semitic societies the slave was always a slave for life unless a miracle happened. We see though in the Law that a slave isn’t to be a slave for more than seven years unless they choose to be or they were born as a slave; in which case God commands that slaves be treated well. In the New Testament we see that a being a good slave by giving a Christ like example is a means to saving the slave owner from damnation. Also that, once again, slave owners shouldn’t treat their slaves harshly. We see also a command to become free if possible. NEVER do you see God being a proponent of slavery.
6. 6. Why do bad things happen to good people? By saying there is such a thing as bad you are saying there is such a thing as good, correct? By saying there is good and bad you suggest that there is something that differentiates the two, correct? By suggesting that there is a division between good and bad you suggest by default that there is such a thing as a common moral law, correct? If there is a moral law then there is a moral law giver, correct? And that is Jesus Christ of Nazareth, God incarnate. The very entity that this atheist is trying to disprove, not prove. The question self destructs without a God. Who is to say what is good or bad. And in the end it isn’t a question of good or bad; it is the question of good or evil. But I guarantee you that the very idea that something could be evil is too much for an atheist to swallow. Bad things happen to good people because of sin. Sin in the lives of human beings trespasses upon their existence. Thus, you have the rapist, totally corrupted with lust and violence, and his sin trespasses on the innocent woman who falls into his hands. Humans are responsible, not God.
7. Why didn't any of Jesus' miracles in the Bible leave behind any evidence? They did, didn’t they? Here is the church. I guarantee you that if a person like Jesus came to your town you would know about it, especially if he stayed any length of time. The miracles Christ did were not for the bedazzlement of the mob, they were for the salvation and wholeness of humans. They accomplished what they were meant to do. We speak of them to this day. The people who saw those miracles were the first to form the Church. They had been made whole by Him. They were the residue of miracles. And thus you have the Church. We are the tangible expression of those signs and wonders!
7.
8. How do we explain the fact that Jesus has never appeared to you? My buddy, a Marine named Andy Wilson, who was a staunch atheist saw Christ on his bunk in his barracks and gave his life to Christ. This goes back to the atheist idea that God MUST prove His existence as if God were insecure about whether or not He exists. It goes back to the idea that prayer is a magical thing that God has to submit to. Basically, atheists believe that God is a genie and when He doesn’t conform to that blasphemous view then God is a fake.
8.
9. Why would Jesus want us to eat His body and drink His blood? Why would a gangster pour out half a forty oz? Why would the military do a 21 gun salute? Why do we have holidays? Christ meant this figuratively; he wanted us to remember Him but especially at communion when we focus on His humanity and His sacrifice.
9.
10. Why do Christians get divorced at the same rate as non-Christians? Because they are weak and not acting like Christ told them to. They adhere to a fleshy form of obedience that is basically lip service, but their hearts aren’t in it. Sin sucks.


As you can see, atheists aren’t mocking Christians because they care about what they believe. They are mocking us because they can’t truly mock God. They aren’t out to find out if God is real. Atheists hate God and anyone who believes in Him. They want you to feel stupid for believing in God so they can look down on you. They want to feel smart. The answers I’ve given to these stupid, unintelligent questions are just the tip of the iceberg as far as answers go. The idea of faith is something they can not comprehend. Understand that Atheists aren’t the enemy, Atheism is. Apologetics is the defense of the Gospel and the Bible. If you look on YouTube.com you can find a man named Ravi Zacharias; he is one of the best apologists in the world and goes to colleges all the time and flat out embarrasses professors and students at Harvard and Yale. Not to shame them, but show them the truth and to help them realize that they are hiding behind lies. God is real, ALIVE, doing miracles and winning hearts all over the world. I encourage you to pick up a copy of Jesus Freaks II; it’s a book about all the Christian martyrs. It will encourage you.
You know, little rich boys with no conscience can sit at college all day scoffing and mocking; being downloaded with atheism and blasphemy by their professors. They can mock the bible and Christians and say all kinds of stupid stuff that never stands up under scrutiny. The fact is that there are people in the world who live by miracles. I am one of them. God pays my bills every month… literally. There are people who have to hide in Atheist/ Communist countries to read the bible… if they are lucky enough to have one or ever even seen one, because if they get caught they may never see daylight again. There are people who get butchered in the jungles of South Asia for spreading the Gospel. In the past century atheist communists have murdered 13,831,000 Christians. In the end though, you are their only light, you MUST be ready with a defense for what you believe. And if you find yourself in that position, to be a witness, then that means God is well pleased with you. You only need to summon the courage to act on your convictions. Ready the bible and God will give you the answers. Fight hard.

Wayne

What should we look like?

Hah, I'm finally starting to get emails! w00t w00t.

Before I delve deeper into the question and answer thing, I wanted to share this site with you guys.... there is a challenge to wear the headcovering and bring it back to modern use starting today! Those interested can google the "chapel veil challenge for 2008." Those of us who know the blessings of a covered head should participate or at least help spread the word.
Which reminds me, there was a couple at church two sundays ago wearing tallits. Wayne and I were intregued--- messianics are few and far between in these parts.

OK, on to the subject at hand. Q and A.

I thought before I started responding to all the common misgivings about the RCC that I'm discovering are a load of BS, I should probably define what I consider to be "movements" within the Body Of Christ today led of the Spirit to help us conform better to worship in "Spirit and Truth."

First, a good church is BIBLE BASED and FOUNDED ON CHRIST. This means that they accept and believe that scripture is the foundation of our understanding of life and our eternal salvation. Ideally, a church should recognize that it is universally important to the cause of Christ Jesus on earth by recognizing that it is not a perfect institution but one which God can use when people are willing and obedient to guide people to the truth. They must believe that the bretheren, or those who are headed for heaven, are not only the members of their own church but those who--- through whatever circumstances of life--- are also actively engaged in Kingdom work elsewhere. On the other hand, it must not use it's "imperfection" as an excuse not to be Holy--- the word says to be holy, for He is Holy.

Secondly, a good church must be family integrated. This is a term which is flung around these days almost meaninglessly as a revival occurs in the hearts of millions who are repenting of their selfishness and turning their hearts towards home. Instead of being primarily program driven (mens. womens. youth. nursery. small groups. etc.) it is primarily FAMILY driven, allowing families to worship together no matter what the ages, teaching fathers to lead their families, teaching wives to follow, and creating an environment of spiritual maturity within the structure of home that allows for evangelical hospitality--- the best kind of evangelism :)

Third, it is a place of reverence. At all times, whether worship is at work or not, people should be able to go to this place and get into the presence of God. There should be no hinderance to that. Church doors should never be locked, because Scripture tells us to pray without ceasing, to wait and watch and pray. Church offices should be available to all-- not only members. Church management should be an open book, and church meetings should be LED OF THE SPIRIT and not "planned to the second." There should be no question as to the Christian conduct of the people who are responsible for each church. It should permeate everything in the place, and every order of business.

Fourth, a good church extends its hands to the poor and needy in good works. This means literally giving, not giving "if," as my husband likes to say. A good church cares for the orphaned and widowed. It seeks not to envelop those it helps into it's fold--- only to share the love of Christ and pray for the salvation of the soul being aided. It seeks to give just BECAUSE. It does not spend needlessly on things that do not glorify God. It spends prayerfully, seeking always to honor God with every penny.

Fifth, a good church observes the sacredness of the sacraments. If nothing else.... there needs to be reverence at Communion, for one corinthians warns us of the harm we can do by taking communion unworthily. There needs to be joy and celebration and reverence at a baptism, because a new life is born! There needs to be devotion to the principles of marriage at a wedding, and respect for those promises.

Sixth, a good church needs to practice church discipline. It needs to have an accountability structure and especially a biblical method for reproving congregant sinners. It needs to have demonstrable apostolic order.

Seventh, a good church needs to have reverent worship. This can look like a quiet hymn or a Rock Festival, so long as an attitude of worship is maintained and encouraged. A good church needs to persevere in prayer, at all times and in all places, bringing everything before the throne.

Eighth, a good church needs to repeatedly pronounce it's statement of faith, and vision statement so that new members learn it and know it...and "catch the DNA" as Manna says.

Ninth, a good church needs to meet both 'in the temple" and "in the homes," just as the church of Acts did, in order to provide for an accomplish effective discipleship.

Tenth, a good church needs to extend LOVE to the community and to the bretheren whatever that looks like where you live... we are all in different places.

Now that I've written all that, I can't even remember the questions. :P But as I look at that list-- and I'm sure it's missing at least one thing-- I'm amazed by what has been in front of me all along.

The pilgrim's progress

First off, let me just say that I cannot believe no one commented on my last blog. Either people are seriously holding their tongues or no one is reading it, because I KNOW it must have freaked out at least ten of my friends who regularly read this blog. Come on , guys. Speak your minds... "in the multitude of counselors there is wisdom." :P Or maybe you're all taking Wayne's advice to be "quiet."

To say that God has shown me that the journey I'm on is a holy pilgrimage is to say the least. The ultimate destination is my home in His presence, but the steps I am walking have driven me further into the security of His Word as it relates to people--- people, I'm discovering, are often THE point He tries to make.

He is showing me that the last four years' events are symbolic of the pilgrimage He has called us all to: First, to act in obedience by following Him no matter what the cost. Second, to learn what it means to Soldier. Third, to learn what it means to die to self. Fourth, to learn what it means to Seek and Find. And now fifth--- to learn what it means to be holy and set apart, for He is holy.

Our God is so good! We think there is so much at stake when our lives are in question, but the truth is that we exist for the blink of an eye-- but His precepts endure forever.

Everything is starting to make sense to me now---it's like it's all coming together.

Wayne has asked everyone he trusts to pray to pray for him with regards to this upcoming decision. Now that we've told my parents, I can tell you all--- he is trying to join the Navy and is going for an MOS that is a challenge. (SWCC)
We are excited-- I know I was cut out for the military life, and so was he. It's how we met, and it's what we dream. We are confident that as we move forward with this, seeking God, He will make a way for us to have both the desires of our hearts and the abilities and gifts to serve Him. However nearly 3/4 of the people he asked to pray have told him: "I dont' have the faith for this," or "I have no peace about it," or "I don't know if it's God's will for you, so I'm not going to pray that you get in, just that God's will be done."

This is a cop out to us. First of all, because if someone asked us to pray for the health of their child, of COURSE we would pray that God's will be done-- but we would also pray for healing! There is no reason why we wouldn't, for God has promised to give us the desires of our heart if they come from a right place and our eyes are set on Him. It's as if people are saying: I don't know you well enough to know what God wants for you so I'm not going to pray. Some have even said: "you're all over the place. I don;t know what you're doing.I cant endorse it." And yet these same people have done nothing to reach out to my husband and meet him where he's AT, even when he was BEGGING for discipleship from them! Others are hesitant because of their distaste for the military. Before the Navy was on the table (and we always knew one of us would eventually go back to the military---best job in the world! We just had to wait two years for our UCMJ pennance.) we asked for help in getting him to college, then to seminary. And people were supportive, but God never made a way. God hasn't provided enough clients for him to continue making it on training alone. But though he hasn't found work for over two months now--- our needs, one by one, have been met. And praise God for it---its nothing short of miraculous.

As for me, I'm confident in my Jesus. And His Name will be blessed either way.

on the Marian Mystery--especially for noncatholics

Here’s the first in the promised series on the Orthodoxy.



I’ve been doing some serious apologetics research into Catholicism lately. If you recall, I once blogged about a sermon by Jacob Prasch which had been REALLY hard to write on for me. In it, I had squirmed uncomfortably while he made a case for Catholicism being a) demonic and b) false worship and c)unsalvific, which was pretty dang compelling. I recall feeling convicted after I heard it about going to Catholic mass with my family members once in a while--- even to the point of
refusing to take communion with them. In my brother’s wedding last year, that was a huge deal--- because the bride wanted me to go up and take communion like the rest of the wedding party and I felt hugely guilty doing so. Big stuff. As time has passed, however, I have begun to look at that sermon with new eyes-- and I’m not so sure I agree with it anymore because I don’t think it’s biblical. I think it was easy for me at the time and necessary to accept it at face value, because I didn’t KNOW Christianity apart from Catholicism. But now that I do, I have to disagree with his premises. (more on that another day.)

So basically, in studying the Catechism of the church, I find that I often "bristle" upon reading something dogmatic, only to find as I prayerfully pick it apart and examine it in light of scripture that what it really means isn’t unbiblical at all! It’s a very wierd experience for me because I’ve always just shunned Catholicism since my salvation occured... obviously they couldn’t be right. Now I’m not convinced. Everything from discovering that Pope JPdue (as my friend Amy calls him) pleaded with Catholics worldwide in 98 to be baptized in the Holy Spirit --- wow!--- to the fact that catholics don’t consider noncatholic Christians unsaved--- but, in their own words, "separated brethren!"
Basically I discovered that there are a whole lot of Catholic teachings out there that are COMPLETELY misunderstood by protestants worldwide, and that within the structure of Catholicism (which is under the authority of the current apostle-- the pope) there are many, many, many varieties of structural worship combined with universal elements that are foundationally CHRISTIAN.

The two major beliefs, as I have said before, that I thusfar cannot reconcile with scripture have always been the veneration of Mary (and subsequent belief that she ascended into heaven and was crowned "queen of heaven.") and the idea of transsubstantiation (that Jesus really IS in the bread and wine.)

This blog will deal mainly with the Marian thing, because it’s such a huge topic. Next time around I’ll hit the Eucharist.

I spent the entire day yesterday doing two things: remembering my OWN experiences within a Catholic structure associated with Mary, comparing them to what the Catechism of the Catholic Church actually SAYS about devotion to Mary, and then watching videos and doing research on the current messages brought by Marian apparitions world wide, both "Accepted" and not by the RCC.
See, cause it’s easy to look at CATHOLICS and judge the church as a whole--- but we can’t do that. Just like if mormons were to look at what happened to Ted Haggard and say: "you guys are all hippocrites. Not thanks." We need to look to the root of what people believe and judge THAT, the actual doctrine, not the way it is often lived out.

With regards to Mary, the Compendium of the Catholic Catechism says this:

142. What is the work of the Spirit in Mary?

721-726
744

The Holy Spirit brought to fulfillment in Mary all the waiting and the preparation of the Old Testament for the coming of

Christ. In a singular way he filled her with grace and made her virginity fruitful so that she could give birth to the Son

of God made flesh. He made her the Mother of the "whole Christ", that is, of Jesus the Head and of the Church his body. Mary

was present with the twelve on the day of Pentecost when the Holy Spirit inaugurated the "last days" with the manifestation of the Church.

196. In what sense is the Blessed Virgin Mary the Mother of the Church?

963-964
973

The Blessed Virgin Mary is the Mother of the Church in the order of grace because she gave birth to Jesus, the Son of God, the Head of the body which is the Church. When he was dying on the cross Jesus gave his mother to his disciple with the words, "Behold your mother" (John 19:27).

197. How does the Virgin Mary help the Church?

965-970
974-975

After the Ascension of her Son, the Virgin Mary aided the beginnings of the Church with her prayers. Even after her Assumption into heaven, she continues to intercede for her children, to be a model of faith and charity for all, and to
exercise over them a salutary influence deriving from the superabundant merits of Christ. The faithful see in Mary an image and an anticipation of the resurrection that awaits them and they invoke her as advocate, helper, benefactress and mediatrix.

198. What kind of devotion is directed to the holy Virgin?

971

It is a singular kind of devotion which differs essentially from the cult of adoration given only to the Most Holy Trinity.

This special veneration directed to Mary finds particular expression in the liturgical feasts dedicated to the Mother of God and in Marian prayers such as the holy Rosary which is a compendium of the whole Gospel.

199. In what way is the Blessed Virgin Mary the eschatological icon of the Church?

972

Looking upon Mary, who is completely holy and already glorified in body and soul, the Church contemplates in her what she herself is called to be on earth and what she will be in the homeland of heaven.



Essentially what it says is that Mary is one of two people in the Bible whose example of FAITH was so supreme that their obedience was absolute, we should thus follow in her footsteps, saying to God: "be it done to me exactly as you have said."

It says that she is the Mother of believers because of Christ’s words to his disciple in John 19:27. It says that she will both help and mediate in pointing to Christ (which I initially cringed at, but upon reflection realized that we are ALL called to do this by the Work of the Spirit living in US--- why would she not?) and that she should absolutely not be worshipped but that she (as a Saint who has achieved eternal life) should be called upon to intercede for us with her Son, who has COMPLETED the work He began in her. If we know we will rule and reign with Christ, it isn’t too far of a faith stretch for me to believe that she, clearly a faithful disciple of Christ, is doing just that.

It’s a lot less blasphemous when we actually read what the church teaches--- I, for one, have completely laid to rest in my mind the fear that the Catholic Church teaches actual Marian worship.

Then there’s the ’ever virgin’ thing. The Bible isn’t clear either way--- people assume that Jesus had siblings because the Word says His brothers existed. But what we don’t realize is that this could mean LITERAL brothers or simply relatives--- the aramaic term here is interchangeable and could have meant cousins or what have you. There really isn’t a clear cut answer and I dont think it’s particularly relevant to our salvation either way.

Lastly, there’s the intercessory aspect. Why pray that Mary (or any saint?) intercede when we have DIRECT ACCESS to the throne of God? Well, the answer is simple-- we don’t have to. We need only address our prayers to the Lord through the mediation of His Son, Jesus Christ. However, since we have a whole team of heavenly bretheren up there with whom we are called to fellowship, who are actually WITH Christ in a literal sense, why not ask them to pray too? After all, when I have an issue I need prayer for down here, I am perpetually petitioning my fellow saints here on earth to pray with us!
There is no way to talk to eternally living saints without praying---they are no longer walking the earth-- but that doesn’t mean that they are being ADORED. The idea, which, again, isn’t too far of a stretch, about asking MARY in particular to intercede is the belief that she received her crown and has a calling (is used by God in a particular office) to do so for the church.
Now we’ve all seen, however, those completely devoted followers of Mary who have only her image at their household altar and who pray to her day and night. well, yeah. But again--- that clearly isn’t what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says to do. So we probably shouldn’t be judging Catholics by the actions of the few. (or many, in this case!) In fact, there is where my memories come to play, since I distinctly remember times where we would call out to Saints to help us pray, meditating on their LIVES lived in devotion to Christ to encourage us in our own walks. This is what the rosary is. THe practice of praying on beads, as we’ve established, may be pagan in nature, but the idea of the rosary is a profound meditation on the life of Christ. When I was tempted to say the rosary recently I didn’t realize how profoundly it had affected me until Wayne gave me the OK to meditate on the mysteries of the Rosary without the beads.

For those who aren’t familiar with it, it’s a simple combination of praying specific prayers (our father, hail mary, and
glory bes) while focusing on different aspects of the life of Christ. The beads are there to count and to give you something tactile to do that helps you focus on the meditation. And we know meditation is biblical---- there are numerous scriptures
in the OT where our ForeFathers of the Faith "went out to the field to meditate." The danger inherent in meditation is EMPTYING the mind (thus allowing room for demons to come play) whereas the rosary FILLS the mind with Christ as revealed in His Word.

It was a very powerful experience, in which I drew closer than ever to my Savior as I walked "with" Him through the stages of His life and work. I’m now, more than ever, a firm believer in the importance of the rosary. And so is my husband...although he doesn’t believe we need beads to do that. I just like them because they help me stay focused and feel "set apart" or sacred, because they connect me to sacred space in my heart.

OK, so so far, I’m AOK with what the church ACTUALLY teaches about Mary. Which means Im’ AOK with Catholicism. Which is really strange for me to say after ten years of fighting it because of my devotion to Jesus!

The other half of my day was spent studying modern day apparitions of Mary. As an evangelical Christian, I’ve always been told these visions are demonic. Period. The Saints who experience the visions are simply manifesting, encountering what I’ve often called a powerful principality called "The Queen of Heaven," (see C Peter Wagner’s book on the subject.) Whenever the subject comes up in apologetics, I vehemently fought with Orthodox believers as I attempted to prove they were demonic.

What I found yesterday put me in URGENT need of repentance for having blasphemed a work of the Spirit--- and what is even more surprising is that my ULTRA uncatholic husband agrees completely that the ones I looked at today were works of God.

Scripture is clear that we need to test the spirits against the Word of God, and that only by the Holy Spirit can we declare that Jesus is Lord.

In studying both "accepted" and not-yet-accepted signs and wonders in Egypt, Rwanda, France, and now Bosnia (the four I have been most interested in, but there are many, many more) I have come to the conclusion that Mary has been allowed by God to appear and demonstrate His reality by pointing to Jesus and urging people to pray because the end of time is at hand.
There are more marian apparitions now than ever before--- and at Medjugorje, she appears EVERY DAY.

In each instance, Mary not only gives a message of hope to those who would fall down and repent for sins committed against her God, but implores people to pray and fast continuously for the salvation of those who have not yet accepted Christ
because the end is near. She performs healings and miracles, and offers comfort. She is sometimes witnessed by only a select few, other times by entire crowds of thousands.

Here, she was witnessed by thousands:


Then there is Lourdes Cathedral, where she was seen by Saint Bernadette and gave a great message of hope for mankind if they would only pray and believe in her Son.




And this is Medjugorje---- I can’t WAIT to go there one day. Click the link for more thorough information.

Six visionaries are anxiously awaiting her Blessed arrival every day as thousands of pilgrims from ALL RELIGIONS (more on this later) are saved and believe in Jesus thanks to these miracles. This has been going on for years, and the messages that Mary is bringing to these Visionaries are powerful because they speak DIRECTLY to the topic I’m addressing. Mejdugorje’s Marian apparitions are for PRotesTANTS AND CATHOLICS.... for MUSLIMS and MORMOnS and Hindus and Buddhists-- because when they experience her there, they cannot deny the reality of the Christ she represents...Her messages are literally imploring the human community to answer the call to be children of God and believe in her Son, to repent of their sin, to pray and fast and YEARN for the salvation of the whole world at the hands of our God of justice and mercy, because the end is drawing near. And if she isn’t enough for people, God has been doing other types of miracles there--- for instance causing the sun to act in an incredible way and giving









When I used to read these "messages" I would scoff--- sometimes Mary says to pray, especially the Rosary. "How convenient," I would think, a demon telling people to practice demonic prayer. But I have new eyes to see now that I have spent a day in prayer and fasting, seeking the Word with regards to the obvious signs presented here. God is GLORIFIED in these apparitions and Mary has always been the first to say it: "To HIM be the Glory."

In fact, while imploring people to pray the rosary more, she taught them a new prayer to add to the meditation:
"Dear Jesus, please forgive me of my sins and save me from hell. Draw me close to you and give me comfort in my affliction. You alone are worthy of Praise."


Wayne believes, as I do, that God can use ANYTHING to draw us to him. Woe to us who call a work of God demonic.
As Wayne often says: it’s best, sometimes, to just be quiet.

Finding the Sacred moments

I had a prophetic dream last night.

I was in an old Euro town, in front of a cathedral. I knew it was Marseille, but not b/c of landmarks. People in the streets were going bananas...really flipping out. It was partying worthy of Isla Vista on Halloween. In ths whene church behind me, candles were lit and people were praying....crying out to God for the people in the streets. I was sitting on an old fallen pillar in front of the doors, watching the revelers and listening to the prayers being offered up as I traced drawings in the sand in front of me with a finger. That's when I realized with a chill I had been sitting practically on top of a skeleton! The person had obviously died in sheer agony, desperately reaching for the doors of the church. I looked around and realized the skeletons were everywhere, bony fingers reaching for some long lost hope within the walls of the towering cathedral. I woke up.


Time is running out. We need to pour ourselves into the service of Christ to the Lost. Today.

I realized from all the comments you guys left that I kinda freaked a few people out with the Catholic comments from my last blog. Let me put it this way: My beliefs about the Catholic Church alternate between dismissing it as completely unbiblical and allowing for it as a "denomination" within Christianity. (which I dont' think is BEST, but is OK.) These moments mainly happen when, like for the past six months plus, I begin to CRAVE tradition. It's when I look around at how money gets spent and what service to the poor and hungry actually comes out of most nondenominational churches these days and I stress out about growth vs. FAITH.

Let me give you a further example. At Manna, which is an incredibly biblically sound church, we are pretty huge. It's a mega church, and is growing every day. Some of our deepest frustrations there have been: 1. the emphasis on seminary as if it were the o;y way into ministry. We firmly believe a man's family is his seminary. Jesus never went to College. 2. the financial decisions. This year we are spending 25 000 on building a seminary school for the underground church in China, and only 8 000 on buying them bibles, even though they are literally DESPERATE for the Word of God. We have brand new couches in the lounge, but are only sending 1900 to our missionaries who sold everything and WENT to Thailand. Not cool. 3. The over emphasis on groups and programs. We like to think that church life should center around biblically oriented families who are then equipped to change the world... not a busy subsitute for the world where all members are sent in opposite directions to experience God their "own" way.

If you'll remember, I was recently ACHING to hear hymns during Sunday worship, and God answered that prayer by providing Hymns in the worship sets--- awesome. But that doesn't make up for the fact that I often feel like I'm looking at a successful CEO (and this isn't anything against my pastors, mind you. This is just the kind of place they are in and there isn't anything wrong with it, it's just not really my thing) and it bugs me that everyone in that room tends to want to be HIM, and not JESUS. This is in no way Michael's fault, but it's a fact. So much so that as we expand, Michael has to be the speaker at each of our church plants in order to ensure their success, thus running himself ragged. We have fourteen pastors on staff. I say: put them front and center in each new church plant. Grace Churches International isn't about Michael Fletcher. He is the means to an end.

Anyways, then comes the ugliness of the building. It's very--- posh. But it isn't the kind of beauty that I am accustomed to meeting God in--- there are no pictures of Jesus or statues to look at..... no hard wood pews and no loud echoes. No gorgeous windows. It just looks like an auditorium. I miss Cathedrals, where I was raised going to church. I miss the nooks and crannies and the intricate devotional architectural details built right into the walls.

Then there's the liturgy. I miss being part of a faith community that's on the same page, so to speak. As Jessica mentioned in her experience at Lourdes, one of my most profound spiritual experiences happened during the Journee Mondiale De La Jeunesse (World Youth Day) in 1997 in Paris, where Catholics from the entire world send their children on a pilgrimage to whatever city is chosen that year. Catholic families then take them in and they meet together to celebrate the mass with the pope as a group of thousands... no common language, but a common faith in Christ that surpasses the boundaries of nations.... it's a very powerful image of unity and absolutely revelatory of the work of the Spirit in the lives of some of these young people.



Which brings me to my next point: the idea of pilgrims, on a journey. Evangelicals have TOTALLY lost this... that our walk is a journey and that it can be aided by experiencing Christ's work in different settings as we, like Isaiah, say: "Here I am, Lord. Send me!"
Catholics take pilgrimages to various holy sites throughout the world as a general rule, and do so often. No one in my family affected me in this way more than my own grandmother, who used to take these pilgrimages often, ending the journey on her knees, sometimes walking the whole way, just to arrive at the site of God's leading and to fall at the foot of the Cross of her Jesus. She would return from these with incredible stories of faith and healing--- miraculous works, and overflowing with faith that could move mountains. These were the places she would bring home jugs of holy water taken from a spring and douse us in it, hoping somehow to help us experience the same momentous spiritual breakthrough. I connect very strongly with the idea of a physical pilgrimage representing and aiding my spiritual walk--- I've always been a wandering Jew.

Then there are the sacraments. It seems in the evangelical church that often nothing is totally SACRED. Even when I take communion, and I am in connection with Christ and with my bretheren, I feel frustrated that that moment is somewhat cliched... often peppered with a prayer that might contain a joke or a sly comment. There is a strong appeal to me in reverence, and I feel often that reverence is missing from protestant worship. The sacraments offer a time where HOLINESS is the norm, and I miss that frequently. Some days more than others.

The last thing is prayer. While I find it incredibly powerful to pray according to scripture-- freely talking with my God who calls me "friend," I am also moved by the power evidenced in praying The Word. And what better way to pray The Word than through devotional prayer rooted in the Word? I guess what I'm saying is that I greatly miss the meditative aspect of prayer-- the times and the seasons, the liturgical calendar, and the idea that prayer is a rhythmical, necessary thing. My grandmother (there she is again!) recently suffered a stroke, after which she could no longer speak or move correctly. She confused "yes" and "no," and mumbled nonsense while believing she was making proper sentences. And yet every night, as I lay in my bedroom which shared a wall with hers while I was visiting, I found myself confronted with a fact that my Protestant brain couldn't work with: She was praying. Despite her inability to speak, the prayers she had lived by and knew through rote memorization were the oNLY things she could say correctly and without a stutter. She couldn't speak, but she could pray! THat meant a lot to me, and I know it meant a lot to Jesus.

Ok, so that's the jist of what I miss and the reasons for it. But the problem is, like Isaid, that I just can't comprehend how one can biblically account for devotion to mary, as well as the topic of the actual BECOMING of the bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ.

Recently, the thing that really got me thinking was a conversation in a mormon apologetics group about apostles. I believe in apostolic succesion. I believed until very recently that Michael Fletcher had an apostolic calling on his life. But when one of the people I was debating with procured a teaching of Michael's on apostleship, I realized I didn't believe what he was saying. And neither does Wayne. Which frustrates us to no end-- we want to believe in our leaders!

So why don't we become Episcopalians, right? It's like being Catholic but not participating in the "debatable" doctrinal stuff.

Wayne doesn't care that much about tradition--- he would be happy in a baptist or pentacostal church. But the thing is, he hates denominationalism. It would kill him to go to a denominational church, let alone to call ourselves by a denomination. To him, it's like dividing Christ. It can't be done. And I agree-- although I think it's ok to know better but to be members of a denominational church.

Episcopalians pride themselves on being "the middle ground" between Catholic and Protestant denominations. I believe nearly every word in the Book of Common Prayer. But then I look at what the Anglican church is doing and I think---- I can't be a part of that. They are ordaining women and marrying gay couples!! That's ANTI biblical. So annoying. At least the Catholics are holding fast to what they believe and not changing a thing.

So then I ask myself: is it worse to ask Mary to intercede for you or to marry a gay couple? Is it worse to confess to a priest or to have a female pastor? And the answer is--- they are all wrong!!! So that leaves me at: Catholicism is a Christian denomination, no greater or worse than Methodist, Lutheran, Baptist, or Anglican. But where does that leave me, a girl who longs for structure and desires above all else to serve the Lord Jesus Christ according to HIS WORD?

Frustrated. That's where it leaves me. Flipping frustrated, and wishing I could just sit down with Jesus and be like--- 'OK, here's the deal. I really want to worship you in Spirit and Truth and I'm so confused and irritated!'

Well, I guess I can do that-- now. Instead of babbling about it to you guys on the internet. :P

Recent pics and videos

Uncle Andy will deploy soon so he's taking advantage of his time with the kids... Here he is snuggling Ishod.


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Annika likes to wear her baby too:


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We were happy to welcome Sean and Jess home to Ft Bragg this last Saturday:

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Annika practices for her trip to Afghanistan:

The not so holy ghost

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and uhhhhh..... dog craziness:


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Changing winds

So much to update with and so little time!! I've had a ton of really interesting conversations this week and I wish I could type as fast as I can think--- as it is now I've got only a few moments before the kids wake up so I'll make it as quick as I can.

First off, my brother and his wife got here on Saturday night! We've been anxiously awaiting their arrival, since they were PCSing before the 10th. It's great for him, who loves being in the 82nd and hated recruiting, so it's a breath of fresh air--- he's back in the real army! And for her, it's going to be a new experience. Hard, for sure, but probably life changing and wonderful too. And I"m making every attempt to be here for her, to help her adjust, because God knows it took me a while to get used to this place, and I know being new at being an army wife is rough-- especially when you're new to being a wife! Being around it all was rough because it makes us regret our decision to get out of the army a little. I really loved being in the army and if I didn't have kids now I'd probably try to go for it again--- I was good at soldiering and I can't think of anything more fun.

My brother and I are very close, and it was such a nice time to be able to spend this moment in solidarity with him and to help him when he has helped me so much in my own life. He wakes up early, like me, so we enjoyed some wonderful quiet moments in the living room (Wayne and I were determined to be hospitable by offering up our room for their privacy) and I was really impressed with the place they are at right now.

His wife and I have a long history of a kind of love /hate place, I guess. She's an amazing girl--- really incredible, and the more I connect with her the more I'm able to say that I genuinely enjoy her. They have been together since high school and she and I didn't initially have anything in common, so it was powerful to unite with her. What I really like about her is that she always says what she is thinking, which can be a swift kick to the butt or a very sweet moment. For instance, the first night we stayed up late discussing the differences in the way we live. Wayne and I center our lives around God, and place our family second. Sean and her place their lives around family, and place God second. They TOTALLY acknowledge His work and presence in their lives, but what she was trying to get me to see was that they "pray together, but then they live their lives out." There is a deep spirit of humanism there-- an appreciation for all things done and thought by humanity, and while my flesh wants to jive with that my spirit cannot.
So the first night, we were essentially facing each other with all the preconcieved ideas we had about each other.

i had noticed that she had distanced herself from me from day one in california, and couldn't for the life of me figure out why. (and no, it had nothing to do with the wedding blog :P) She explained it later, but the first few days were tentative steps to reconciliation and a bit trying.

For them, they were watching us intently to see if how we lived was fanatical-- because for them and my parents, our "fundamentalist" thinking is a handicap and even dangerous..... there were alot of questions asked about why we didn't have certain books we used to have in the house, and movies, and why we wanted to homeschool, etc.

Apparently, the major rift happened when my husband wrote him a what we thought was kind email saying why he didn't want my brother to be the baby's godparent. A lot of it dealt with what we percieved as his wife's character flaws, which she was angry we had not discussed with her personally. (Fair enough! we just made assumptions based on what we saw-- we never discussed it with her . It was a very good lesson for me that ended with a tearful repentance in the kitchen and a great sister to sister hug!)

Then, once I think it was established that we weren't freaks of nature and that we hadn't converted to Westboro Baptist Church types, we all relaxed a bit. In fact, I was super blessed to hear that them watching the way we lived had an impact on their ideas about children and childraising--- they understood completely and agreed with what we were doing even though they were initially the opposite.

The second night, she shared with me some really powerful things: first off, she told me that the bible i had bought her had got her through some really hard times. That meant a lot to me, and I am praying that God's word blooms from this planted seed.
Secondly, she shared with me what "turned her around," from her disinterest in Catholicism.

The first was a trip to the Lourdes Cathedral in France for "la messe des invalides," the invalides mass. It was a profound experience for her to see people worshipping from ALL countries and in every language-- which is the exact reaction I had at the World Youth Day when I was a Catholic--- seeing people from all different places like that celebrating one God on their knees is very telling.

The second was a trip to the Vatican to celebrate the mass there. They had a God moment there: while waiting in line for what seemed like forever to get in, they approached the entrance only to discover that they needed tickets to get past the guards. Heartbroken, they debated what to do when a nun just appeared out of no where and handed them tickets to get in! They got inside and to their dismay it began to pour. Wondering what to do because they were getting soaked, they looked up and the skies parted--- sunshine poured into the courtyard and lit them up as the mass was celebrated. As soon as mass was over, it began to pour again. She said: "If that isn't God, I don't know what is."

Anyways, it was a great visit and I was so happy to be able to spend time with them like this before their lives get hectic and ours do too. I am so proud of my brother's accomplishments and of her willingness to help him achieve his goals.

Wayne is still waiting to hear if he will leave or not--- we have strong reason to believe that this door will open now, but we still don't know for SURE, SuRe. So we are staying in silent prayer. I have begun to pray for someone to come and live with me for the time he will be gone because I'm not confident enough in my driving skills yet to do it alone. We want someone to come and live with us rent free in exchange for taking me to run whatever errands I need to run, and that person needs to be willing to help me out a bit with the kids when needed. They can work here if they want and come and go as they please, I just need the company until I'm better at driving. It would be for about three months. I'm praying that God will put the perfect person in place here.

For lent this year I've decided to fast from any books but the bible. I have some really prominent questions I need answered and I'm really completely stuck on them. I realized with some of the issues Wayne and I have with our current church (and again, they are major, but our church is an excellent church--- we just want to see them remain that way!) that I just believed things because people believe them, but I don't always examine them PRAYERFULLY in terms of their adherence to scripture. As you guys know, I've been REALLY struggling with the lack of tradition and structure within the church lately and I dislike some of the tendencies I'm seeing with relation to the World and the way the church is relating to it.

Anyways, it has been really bad, because I'm longing to connect with some of my Catholic "traditions" in a biblically honoring way--- which means i"m not only tempted to go to Catholic mass pretty much all the time, but I'm tempted to participate in things like prayer beads, the liturgy, etc. It doesn't help that all of a sudden there are catholics all around me too. Gah.

Anyways, doctrinally speaking, there are about three major biggies that I can't find biblical background for in the RCC but the rest is up for grabs either way. Mary isn't "ever virgin" according to the Bible. She didn't ASCEND into heaven like Christ. Purgatory isn't a biblical notion, and most especially the transsubstantiation doctrine isn't true. However, the other day my brother's wife, who just went through her confirmation, told me she learned that it doesn't become the literal flesh and blood of Jesus Christ, but a reminder that God is present in everything we do. which I can totally jive with. So that prompted me to re-examine the Catholic Catechism and see what is REALLY taught.

I think I'll blog on each one separately.

Anyways, God is faithful and will totally answer all of my questions with regards to the church. I am looking forward to spending so much time in His Word because it will renew my mind and help me to have the mind of Christ about all this stuff. even so, I can't help but wonder whether some Catholic mob is praying for me to return to the church, because there is this magnetic pull on my soul that is just mind boggling.

Thankfully, my husband is very adept at keeping me on the straight and narrow, so I'm fortunate to have him.

I'm knitting nothing lately because I've been so busy, but it's back to the Scottish mission shawl when I can. Bye!