Embracing motherhood when work pays off

Six years ago, I suffered and suffered, and suffered, and suffered, and suffered, and suffered.....  when it was time for church.
To put it bluntly, I couldn't deal with my kids and listen/pay attention at the same time. I loved God, loved church and wanted to take in every moment... which is really hard to do if you spend every second of it shushing, re-arranging, and bringing kids in and out of the church. Quite honestly, I resented kids altogether because Catholic churches are very open to children and the majority of children around us in mass were very poorly behaved, so even when I COULD go by myself, some other person's kids would always wreck the "experience" for me. Sounds so selfish when I say it that way but that's exactly how it was, for years. All I wanted was for everyone to just shut up so I could pay attention and hear what I needed to get me through the week.

I  was accustomed to seeing and experiencing this and wanted nothing to do with any of it:

I knew that there was something else out there I could set as a goal. We've all seen the family that looks like this, disciplined and orderly, and I wanted it. But it seemed impossible, because even if I managed to get them in line by some miracle, there was always some other child  (OR PARENT!) nearby to distract them. I felt hopeless to ever get here:

(Ironically, these are my kids and the children of some dear friends. ;) a few years later, of course!)

If we went to a church that had childcare, I was ecstatic, if we didn't, I was miserable. Everything was a battle. Sundays became a nightmare. A nightmare I wanted to end.... so I could selfishly sit and soak in the good feelings I got from being able to pay attention and ignore the fact that God had given me children to train and teach.

Over the years, I came to understand that God wanted me to train my little ones to listen and pay attention at church and to participate themselves, etc. It started with a guilty feeling whenever I would drop them off at the nursery, and only got worse with time. I remember distinctly the day I figured out that it was worth the effort to keep them with me.
Standing in the back with a wiggling, loud toddler while teetering on my heels, certain that I was annoying everyone present, I looked up to heaven with tears in my eyes and my gaze crossed a sign, put there by the priest, that said: "Dear kids, I'm glad you're here. --- God." I determined then and there to suck it up and do what it took to make sure my kids learned to be the kinds of children who could sit quietly in their pews and listen attentively. Not for ME. But for the good of their souls. And to acknowledge that it would take time, diligence,  and patience, neither of which I really had.

Now, many years later, on most days-- MOST days--- My husband and I (and the people around us) enjoy having them with us and we are amazed at how much of it they get themselves and appreciate. They even like it and look forward to going!
There are still days that are rough, but nowadays they are the exception, and not the norm. Instead, it's a powerful family bonding time and even better... they have really learned to overcome a lot and draw close to God through these experiences. It's beautiful. Sure, my son still sleeps through half of mass on my shoulder and my daughters still fight over who can sit closer to me. But at least now they do it before mass starts or right at the end,  and they know better than to keep it up through the whole thing.

Now, we go to a Maronite liturgy. Qurbono is somewhere between a Latin Mass and a typical Novus Ordo in that there is much chanting, different languages, and reverence, but it's still fairly child-friendly in the sense that they aren't necessarily expected to be dead silent and prayerful through the whole thing. There are also a lot of parts and responses for them to get into, including the priest "breaking character" from time to time to catechize during the mass, which keeps them occupied.

I had reached the point up until yesterday where I felt confident that we could handle most any Novus Ordo without too much distraction and where my kids had become enjoyable and had reached a level of understanding of what was happening in the mass that comforted us. My youngest is two and at that age where it's a battle no matter what, but she's a really good two year old compared to what she could be at. So I have confidence in my kids.... but I never imagined my kids were ready for the Latin Mass.

That's why I wanted to share this glory-of-motherhood moment I had yesterday... to encourage the moms who are still at the "tearing my hair out" stage of parenting littles in the pews. Been there! Not sure I'm out of the woods yet, but yesterday was certainly a powerful moment in which I felt we had "arrived."

Yesterday, you see, we went to the closest Latin Mass, which, for my protestant friends,  is the "old form" of our liturgical worship, before the revisions when the people had a more verbal and physical "part to play" in the mass. This particular mass is about a forty minute drive away and is right at lunch/naptime, a very difficult time to have children sit still as you mothers well know.

The Latin mass is in Latin, a language they don't really understand.
It is very quiet, and contains tons of kneeling for hours and lots of silence. Going to the ordinary form of the mass is hard enough for most people I know, but the Latin Mass is like, a whole different animal. Which is why many people avoid it... it's too "sacred" or "somber" for their taste. Not relaxed and "open" enough.

Usually, the mothers I see there have two pews full of meticulously dressed, perfectly behaved children of all age ranges who, even at 3, are kneeling for hours uncomplainingly and just generally awesomely behaved, even when daddy isn't around.  These mothers amaze me. I watch them carefully when I see them, and I wish I could follow them around at home and learn their secrets. I can't, though, because they usually keep to themselves and don't get out for coffee much. ;)
They also intimidate me, because I can hardly handle my small handful of kids, and here they are with twelve or fourteen and they seem to have everything under control.

So Latin Mass is very intimidating for mothers with kids who aren't used to that kind of environment, and I admit I dreaded bringing my littles, even though I LOVE going to Latin mass on my own and go there as much as I can-- without them!

However, my husband decided yesterday that we were heading over there,  and I was freaking out. But I'm so pleased and grateful to report that after all these years, something must have clicked, and they appear to have really settled down.

Immediately after the rosary, we found ourselves in a silent church. And I started freaking out.
A younger man came forward and stood next to the pew in front of us. One by one, in a row, all six of his children, girls in matching dresses and veils and boys in matching sweaters and cords, came forward and sat in the pew. Last in line was his wife, modestly dressed and beautifully veiled. She took her place next to him and they all knelt to pray before the mass in unison. My heart started pounding... and I started the comparing in my head.
She and her husband were very united in their approach, and they operated as one entity... when one of the younger kids started to act up they wordlessly took turns getting the others settled down and fixing the problem. I was both amazed and disappointed, watching them. I couldn't imagine myself being the kind of disciplined person it took to take the time to TEACH all these kids how to act right.
Not only that, but she seemed totally rested and was really beautiful and in good shape! And her husband and her were clearly very bonded. I was sure that there was just no way in the word that my family even came close to comparing to theirs... and even though I knew it was stupid to bother comparing, I also knew that if we didn't, it was because of a lack of discipline and willingness to suffer for each other on OUR part, which made me feel like double the failure.

Incredibly, though, my kids were as well-behaved as any of the children there. My daughters chose on their own to wear headcoverings and didn't spend the whole time messing with them, everybody was pleasant and reverent and totally into it, and when it was over my kids asked if we could go again and ASKED TO STAY LONGER TO PRAY. I couldn't get over it. OTHER moms there were smiling approvingly at me and telling me how sweet and well behaved the children were. I was in shock. I was floating on a cloud. It was amazing.

This might sound silly, but it felt like a landmark to me--- we've finally graduated to Latin-mass standards as a family and that means that all that hard work training the kiddos has really, really paid off.... so keep on training those kiddos! Took me six years to figure out HOW, but here we are, and it's a really rewarding place to be!

I never for one second imagined that I could actually find myself at a Latin mass with my whole family and enjoy the experience tremendously. And yet--- it was wonderful, and we fit right in.
Praise God!! It was a very exciting motherhood moment for me, and I know my husband was very, very pleased since he had been as worried as I was about their behavior and "fitting in" with the other families.
Don't get me wrong, there is still much work to do-- my son talked to Jesus out loud half the Introit and asked about two thousand questions about what was happening, and my two year old was as determined as she's ever been to borrow my husband's latin flashcards and play with them despite the fact that we repeatedly told her no. But even in that, I could tell we were doing ok, and even more than that-- doing well!

You may ask yourselves, reading this, WHY it matters so much to me that they learn these skills. I've heard people see Latin Mass families like these and say all sorts of terrible things about how much they must beat their children or how bored and suppressed their children are. But knowing some of these families outside of mass, has given me a different outlook-- these are happy, balanced, and thoroughly creative and interesting kiddos who are not being suppressed in any way. They are thoughtful and interesting and loving. And their parents are loving and kind, not harsh or mean. They are simply parents who are doing it right, focusing hard on work and prayer, and that's why I was so grateful to receive this confirmation yesterday that we are somehow, some way, by some miracle, on the right track. It's so motivating.... I can't wait to see where we are ten years from now! Motherhood is an awesome journey.

What are some things I've learned over the years that have really helped for kids in church? Here are ten tips that have really paid off:

1. Leave the toys, books, etc at home. Even one tiny stuffed animal can be a HUGE distraction, so we try to just leave everything at home and out of the pews.
2. Children copy what they see. If you are very focused, your kids will be focused. They do what they see you doing.
3. No food or drinks. This should be a given, but I see lots of moms feeding their kids or giving them cups to sip. Unless they are still milk-fed, they are old enough to go without for an hour.
4. Make sure they are fed and rested when you get there.
5. Try to alternate older kids and younger kids. If you can avoid putting two very young kids right next to each other, it's a good idea.
6. Sit in the front, and make sure they can see. Talk about what they will see on the way there and back.
7. Make it a routine. Get to mass as often as possible so they become accustomed to it.
8. Require them to participate at their age level. They may not know the responses or prayers yet, but they can stand with everyone else and be a part of what's going on. Encourage older kids to help the younger kids get involved and stay quiet.
9. Let them get to know and love their priests.
10. Watch who you associate with... being around other families with well-behaved kids will make all the difference!

TLM

I had the opportunity on Friday to go to my first Latin Mass since returning to the Roman Catholic Church over a year ago.
There is a little country church in our area which offers a daily Tridentine Mass, and it's only 20 minutes from where we live. With all of my own enthusiasm for the TLM, you would have thought that I would have been there sooner, but I hadn't, for a number of reasons... the main one being that I don't drive, have two young children who cause me a great deal of stress in quiet, reverent masses, and have a husband who is not particularly drawn to the latin mass.

Let me also say that I find myself, socially, in a bit of an odd spot among Catholics. Having been a "Spirit filled" nondenominational Christian for so long, I consider myself a Charismatic-- I sometimes pray in tongues, I pray mostly spontaneously, and I have seen and been a part of the operation of the "charismatic" gifts. I find it greatly encouraging that there are Charismatics in the Roman Catholic Church who "get" that God wants us in an intimate relationship with him and who is, by nature, both healer, deliverer, and savior.
At the same time, I find myself often identifying with the "Traddie" sector of modern American Catholicism: I prefer the Tridentine Mass, I get aggravated as can be at the liturgical monstrosities that pass at VII masses in most American parishes, I cover my head and think you should, too, and I believe churches are for prayer, liturgy, adoration and silence, not for "catching up."
Since both groups tend to dislike each other, I find it hard to make friends with people from either group.
Instead, my friendships tend to center around people who are conservative, but don't love the latin mass, and who are demonstrably imbued with the Holy Spirit but who might shift uncomfortably if I laid hands on them in a restaurant. :P

So it was with one such Conservative-yet-in-no-way-Traddie friend that I headed to this TLM and I'm so glad I went with her! God could not have given me a better "first time in a long time" partner to take on this particular adventure.

I was breathless from the minute we walked in the door. On the outside, the Church is as plain as can be... just a little country building.
But the TANGIBLE presence of our Lord was overpowering from the minute I stepped through the doors. In fact, I was struck by the fact that while, at my home parish, I am often spiritually affected by the turmoil of battle in the building-- and very aware, sometimes of the presence of something distinctly not-from-God (many of my co-parishioners know exactly what I mean) in THIS building, though, it was literally like breathing in the incense of Heaven. One immediately felt... I don't know. Surrounded by something Holy. So much so that I was immediately reminded of my discalced status and the resounding words of God to Moses-- "remove your shoes, for you are on Holy Ground."

Near the holy water font in the front there was a large basket full of chapel veils for those women who came unprepared. (I probably don't have to tell you how my heart skipped with glee when I saw this pile of headcoverings....it was like.... home!)

I looked nervously around at the people in the pews, wondering if they would think my skirt was too short (it was just below the knee) or that I somehow stuck out, like I wasn't "uber traddie" enough to be there. Fortunately, everyone gave me a warm smile and when we did have a question, everyone was accomodating.

It was mostly women, some children, and a couple of men.
I recognized a few faces from back home, which was nice. The children blew me away-- they all sat in a row, little girls two and up had their heads covered, perfectly still and silent and just.... good. Even the 18 month olds. How these wondermoms get them to do that is beyond me. I'm looking forward to observing more. I know this is how we were growing up in Church, but I have no idea how we were taught to do that. We just were.

We sat down in separate pews (one of the best things about this friend is that she can appreciate the need for solitude in Church) and I began to take in the environment.

Altar (WITH STEPS!! GLORY!) tabernacle, angels with lit candles all around it.
In the back beside the altar, a HUGE statue of St Therese de Lisieux, who seemed to be looking straight into my eyes. I was so comforted by her Carmelite presence in this experience.
There was also an enormous statue of St Michael the Archangel and one of King Louis. The entire set-up was very French... I found out later that this particular priest loves all things French and has done up his rectory in a similar manner, with Fleur de Lys everywhere, etc.

The altar server came up and started setting up for mass, and I reflected for a while on the difference between this altar server (who was not very old at all) and the ones I've been seeing all the time at my home parish-- this one wore a cassock and the crisp black and white comforted me with all of it's familiarity... as opposed to the albs the ones at my church wear. Although young, he was extraordinarily reverent--- gently and carefully placing each item in it's correct position, hands clasped together in prayer position when he wasn't using them, and fully genuflecting towards the tabernacle. I was so moved to see this little kid who was so beautifully trained, and it continued as I watched him, during mass, recite endless prayers and responses IN LATIN, from memory. All kids are capable of this. Thank God some of them are learning how to do it.
He wasn't even THAT spectacular, in the sense that he was a totally average boy his age...
I also noticed, of course, that he was a boy, and I was so happy about that. Altar servers do have a tendency to draw closer to the priests than any other ministry, and it is a God-given gift to them for their vocations discernment. We need more priests, but how will we get them if there are only altar girls and we don't really train our altar boys? St Paul is clear about women approaching the altar, and yet somehow in the Novus Ordo all I ever see around the altar are women-- it was refreshing to have men (and boys, training to be men) leading the Church.
A few weeks ago at Carmelites I had experienced a similar thing with altar servers at the mass we went to: they were so tight, so efficient, so organized and in unison that it truly became like a dance, to me....they worked in pairs and brought this exquisite, divine beauty to the Mass by their very presence... and yet believe me, these were your average modern boys.... weird emo haircuts and all. :)
It was in such stark contrast to the experience I had today at mass, where the alb-clad altar servers were literally talking to each other during the mass, making signs at their parents in the pews, and forgetting at which point to bring up which book, causing the Priest to have to go and get it himself.

Mass began, and I settled into the rhythmic routine of listening to the Latin and joining my prayers to the priests. I IMMEDIATELY realized why so many of my very "Conservative Catholic" friends dislike the Latin Mass. It truly is as if the priest does all the acting and we just get to witness it. Most of the responses are said by the Altar server who is representing the people, and when we DO respond, it is in a quiet murmur, not in a bellowing "Amen!" voice.

I looked around to observe the others. I had brought my 1962 missal, in which I have been faithfully reading the days' traditional Mass Readings since returning to the Church. I don't like the new calendar because it removed so many saints that I truly loved. It also prevents me from being "liturgically" on the same page as my favorite spirtual direction authors (like Fr Gabriel's "Divine Intimacy," which is based around the traditional liturgical calendar.) I used to bring that missal with me to the Novus Ordo at my home Parish. I had highlighted the responses and parts for the N.O and was always annoyed at having to turn like, ten pages to find each response. Now i have two missals, one I bring for the NO and the other I use at home for mass and brought with me to the TLM.
It was such a blessing to be able to experience the RICHNESS of the liturgy, the fullness of it, and not to miss out on anything or "shorten" anything. Nearly everyone there had a missal out too and was following along. This resolves completely the problem of "not understanding" what's going on... we see the Latin on the left and the English on the right, and thus we know exactly what is being said. A few people had out rosaries, and prayed the rosary through the mass. I was grateful to be able to participate fully IN the mass by reading the scriptures and prayers that were read, and meditating on them myself.

In fact, one of the reasons I was so totally thrilled was because St Therese's presence reminded me of the contemplative aspect of participation in the TLM. I would go as far as to say that a person who does not know how to meditate or practice mental prayer would get very little out of the liturgy itself. I find it totally jarring to be jolted out of a meditation by a response, song I must sing, or some such aspect when I am totally "moved" spiritually during the Novus Ordo. It's one of the reasons I flat out refuse to sing before, during, or after communion. For me, there is no possible reason to do so, because what is happening internally is FAR more relevant than any "expression of unity" I can be forced to make with the people to the right or to the left of me, who are supposed to be also internalizing the effects of participation. In other words, I think the TLM is, above all, for contemplative souls. And contemplative souls get there by practice, not by any other means. Thus, I can see how as someone who meditates regularly, the TLM might be a glorious occasion for me to do just that-- to completely internalize the sacrifice of the Cross and all that it means for us without being consistently "reminded" to participate. For people who do NOT easily fall into mental prayer, I can see how the TLM might be excruciatingly painful-- borderline boring. I can see how the people require the timed responses of the Novus Ordo to keep them centered on what is going on at the time. Either way, I was totally edified by this realization--- and so thankful for the TLM and that I was able to attend after all this time of yearning!

I find Latin to be absolutely exhilerating. In deliverance ministry, and in developping this particular calling from a Catholic perspective this year, I have discovered that demons have an extreme distaste for Latin liturgy and also Gregorian Chant, two elements of the Tridentine Mass which, for the most part, are lacking in most Novus Ordo parishes across America. Because of this knowledge, and because of my heart's desire to find co-warriors in the Spiritual battle, you can imagine my joy at being present at a Latin Mass. Most of the responses and postures (although not all!) fell back into place easily, from some deep place in my brain where I had stored them all away. It was a very strange feeling-- on the one hand, I had no confidence in my "knowledge" of what-to-do-next, and on the other, I was totally amazed by the natural way into which I fell into the rhythmic prayer.

The two other things that really stood out from the experience were the incredible efforts of the Priest on behalf of the people, and the solemnity of the occasion. This particular priest suffered from obvious physical pain, and yet here he was, daily choosing to say a mass which required MUCH more of him than simply standing or sitting.

There is a moment, right after the consecration, when the priest elevates the host high above his head and the people are to pray: "My Lord and My God!" Meanwhile, the altar server, with his left hand, lifts the priest's chasuble and with his right hand, rings the bell with great fervor to let us know: This is God come down-- Immanuel. In that moment, my breath was literally taken away. In the last year in which I would have done ANYTHING to come face to face with the Eucharist once I began to truly understand John 6, never had my desire to worship the Host been satiated like it was when it was treated with such perfectly sublime solemnity.

When it came time for us to receive communion, we filed down the line to the altar rail, which remained in place to remind us that the Altar was not something we could just "hang out around," and in this way, we were given, by a priest only, the literal Body and Blood, soul and divinity, of Christ our Lord.
In contrast, today in our home parish, I put my finger on what seems wrong. You see, we are not able to truly participate in the "Agnus Dei" because of the roar of voices still hauling down the aisles to shake hands with every person within ten pews. During this insanity, about 15 or so people from all sides of the Church head up to the Altar and stand around it. It's a veritable wave of people, coming from everywhere, and if you sit in the front can be totally overwhelming. As if this isn't irritating enough, these people then proceed to shake hands with and hug each other, all the way down the line, even though we are supposed to be finishing up the Agnus Dei!This bothers me a great deal-- first, because "EXTRAORDINARY" ministers are those persons who "might" be needed in "extraordinary" circumstances. (Hey, i once got told we couldn't have the latin mass in our parish because it's the "EXTRAORDINARY FORM" of the mass-- so why doesn't the same rule apply for "EXTRAORDINARY" ministers?)
They are not, nor are they intended to be, a staple of the communion table. When consecration occurs, it is THE LORD on that table. All our attention should be focused on Him! And yet He is totally swarmed and minimized by a mass of people who can't even be bothered to kneel around Him. (OK, to be fair, they are told NOT to kneel by our liturgist. True story! Yeah.)

Secondly, it bugs me because I want to receive communion from a priest, and not from a lay person. It irks me to no end when I must receive from an extraordinary minister rather than a priest. Why? Because they aren't priests. My priest brings me the Eucharist. The Eucharist is all the "community" I need.

Seeing that today after the glorious ORDER and reverence and respect which our Lord was shown in the TLM, I just can't comprehend what people are thinking.
Now, the Novus Ordo that I attended in Raleigh recently which was almost all in Latin DID have a profound and lasting effect on me in all these same departments, so before you start worrying that I'm going to enlist with the Pius X people, understand that it's not so much WHICH rite as the rememberance of the Sacred Nature of what we are assisting at and participating in that matters to me and can make or break my Mass experience.

Lastly, I was overjoyed to find ALL the faithful, after mass was over, taking the time to get BACK on their knees and pray the Leo XIII prayers which are sooo important for the wellbeing of the Church in the spiritual combat-- and also to find that no spontaneous bursting into conversation ensued-- people waited until they were OUTSIDE to start babbling to each other about daily life, which is something I think we must do by example if we want to see any changes in that whatsoever in my home parish.

I made it to the parking lot and then absolutely fell apart into a blubbering, grateful, happy mess. During the mass, I distinctly felt a hand on my head at one point, and got the impression that I was being healed. Initially, I thought that it was going to be a physical healing (I've always got this infection going with the pregnancy that I can't seem to get rid of) but I later realized in prayer that it was a Spiritual healing, and that the graces which I received would renew me forever.

My challenge, now, is to find a way to express, in my own Parish which drives me to the extreme opposite emotional place and leaves me, most days, with steam coming out my ears) the Charity and Hope and Faith that God has given us all in the assurance that the gates of hell may not prevail against the Church.

This is not a new battle: Satan has always wanted to desecrate and destroy the sacredness of the mass.
St Athanasius wrote this in the 4th century, but he could have written it today:

"You are the ones who are happy; you who remain within the Church by your Faith, who hold firmly to the foundations of the Faith which has come down to you from Apostolic Tradition. And if an execrable jealousy has tried to shake it on a number of occasions, it has not succeeded. They are the ones who have broken away from it in the present crisis. No one, ever, will prevail against your Faith, beloved Brothers. And we believe that God will give us our churches back some day.

"Thus, the more violently they try to occupy the places of worship, the more they separate themselves from the Church. They claim that they represent the Church; but in reality, they are the ones who are expelling themselves from it and going astray. Even if Catholics faithful to Tradition are reduced to a handful, they are the ones who are the true Church of Jesus Christ."

Thank You, Lord, for giving me a glimpse into a place where you are TRULY worshipped in Spirit and Truth--- enlighten us all so that we may worship you better and more.