Mama Mondays: On the nature of Authority

My kids are memorizing the Ten Commandments in their Catechism lessons.
Naturally, this has led to all sorts of interesting discussions about what they mean.
Number four is a tough one-- one they have mulled over quite a bit, and one that directly affects them and convicts them regularly:

"Honor your father and mother"--which is the first commandment with a promise-- (Ephesians 6:2) "that all will go well with you."

The other day, my sister in law  and I were watching our children playing at the park, and she described to me her battle with the issue of getting one child to sleep in her bed.
My thoughts ran over the range of ideas about how to solve this problem.
Many of my friends genuinely enjoy being in bed with baby. Even if that means staying that way as baby grows into a toddler... and school-age child.
Some (like me) think it's lovely, but impractical and doesn't meet our parenting goals.
Some downright object because of their parenting philosophies.

For those of us who choose to fight this battle-of-the-beds, and those who vacillate between the two, there are many methods. And they all work so long as we remain consistent and accept certain aspects of the method's downfalls. There is no perfect sleep solution.

One thing we all know, though, is that it's not enough to say: "because I say so." One cannot COMMAND a child to sleep. Mind you, there is a time and a place and way for saying that it's time to sleep, but that isn't the issue. The issue is the location and quality of the sleep that will be gotten.

In fact, unless the child has been trained from the beginning to sleep away from the parents or has been allowed to co-sleep, this often marks the first real battle-of-the-wills in the young parent's life.

Charlotte Mason talked a great deal about the issue of authority, which is one of the main reasons I get slightly ruffled -- or at least...... question--- when proponents of AP (And by AP I mean anything goes) parenting or unschooling families claim they use Charlotte's methods. Not only was she methodical and disciplined but she advocated order, structure, discipline, and even the occasional-- gasp-- spanking!

However, once I began to really immerse myself in her work, I realized that there was a great big difference in her view of our parental responsibility to discipline and most of the loud-mouthed pro-discipline parenting gurus out there.

Where the biblical parenting books I had read previously advised me to take authority, Charlotte often reminds us that we have it already. And where most of the parenting books I had read say to smash the child's will beneath your own until he is finally and perfectly submitted, Charlotte insists that we must enslist the Child's will beside our own until he has submitted of his own accord and because he is motivated to do right.

That's all fine and dandy, you may be thinking, but how do we do that?

And that's where the brilliance of Charlotte's methods becomes glaringly obvious, as well as the fact that her methods cannot really be separated one from the other. They are a system, part of a greater philosophy.

She says that we use the ONLY things we really have at our disposal:

Our own example.
Some of the most helpful parenting advice I have read in the past has involved the idea that children see everything we do. What a terrifying thought! And yet it is absolutely true-- children are so malleable, and imitate the things they see around them. This should be a good reflection for us on the power of our surroundings, but more than that it should inspire us to behave as we would like to see our own children behave. We ourselves set the tone in our family and thus, in the world.

Upon receiving the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979, Mother Teresa of Calcutta was asked, “What can we do to promote world peace?” She answered, “Go home and love your family.”

It's true... children see.




Likewise, Charlotte admonishes us to remember those to whom we ourselves owe obedience. She says that letting the children see that we have our own things we must do because "we ought" helps them to realize that this is the natural order of life and not something they will one day escape.

The child's good habits.
Charlotte's insistence upon instilling good habits in children and intentional parenting (vs reactive parenting) results in the child being "formed" in good character from the earliest days. Like the advocates of tomato staking, CM teaches us that we should be vigilant over our children's behaviors and exposures from the very beginning, so that we will later be free to allow THEM freedom, knowing we have laid down the rails and that they will, with minimal maintenance, always stay on the right track. This is why she absolutely insists on teaching children the habits of attention, obedience, and truthfulness first and foremost.

The child's natural desire for order, truth, and beauty. This tendency will be a great benefit to them if it is cultivated.

In the past few months on facebook, for example, many of my friends have been discussing techniques and ideas for not yelling at their children. Having tried this myself I at first decided that quiet, Michelle Duggar-esque conversations with children simply weren't going to work with my flesh-nature.

Thankfully, as my Husband and my friend Cherry have frequently reminded me: there is the Holy Spirit to help me.

As if I needed anything beyond that, there is also this:

"Be good-natured in your position of authority. Have confidence. Don't be anxious, domineering, interfering, or demanding. Have confidence in the children. (Vol I p 29-30)

What's that? I don't have to TAKE authority? It is a gift given me by God that I must only use? OH.

Because how many of my arguments with my children are actually based on me not having confidence in my authority, or in my children's ability to do what I am asking them to do?

In combination with principle number one up there, that children DO what they SEE, I'm pretty sure that all my problems would be solved if I would just remember these wise words.
I'd no longer be playing referee between grumpy, authority-taking children left and right. I'd no longer be reproaching them for harsh words and tones of voice every few minutes.

In fact, I'm pretty sure we'd have those promised "smooth and easy days" Charlotte speaks of.

So how does this relate to the eternal bed-battle or to any other battle which I might have to pick with my child?

I must only be intentional.... training my child BEFORE the problem occurs. Instead of responding with wonder and awe and furor when a child fails at an expected behavior, I must examine how well I have prepared him to pursue the expected behavior. I must reproach only myself for not having done a better job at training him. I must remain calm, and continue to enlist his little will to firmly face the challenge side-by-side with me to overcome the flesh!

Make a list of the ten biggest problems you face with your children:

Do I want my child to behave in church? I must play church at home. I must teach them to sit quietly for a time, and by my own example, have a quiet time each day.

Do I want my child to be polite? I must be polite to them. I must play polite dinner games that teach table manners.

Do I want my child to play nicely with other children? I must teach them to share, and to get in the habit of using nice words and tones of voice. I must respond to THEM with kind words and a gentle tone of voice. I must share with them, and give them space.

I must only be intentional.
Say it with me: INTENTIONAL.
I must have a plan, and a vision. An end-result in mind.

My reactions should be gentle. My intentions firm.

Not only does this benefit children, but it also does wonders for marriage.

When applied, it would:

-- remove sources of marital strife that come from conflict over the children's character deficiencies or the reactions of one or the other parent TO those deficiencies.
-- give confidence to the couple in their parental authority and methods.
-- create situations where teamwork becomes not only possible, but vital.

God's ways work. Charlotte Mason studied them. If you give these ideas a chance, let me know how it goes!

"Train up a child in the way that he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:66)