Something's missing

It used to be that I lived for the weekend.

As a kid, when the monotony of high school and eventually work / college life got to be too much, I always had the weekend to look forward to. Weekends were fun, there was always a party or two or ten to go to, breakfasts to enjoy with friends, movies, concerts, coffee shops, beaches, pool parties, hikes, a church which fed me emotionally and not just spiritually, and talks, meetings, and events to keep me busy. By the time Sundays rolled around I'd been running around so much I had the best time ever just sitting around with friends watching football, tri-tip and veggies on the grill, and throwing back some beers. Sunday nights I'd reflect on all the fun and be ready to work til the next weekend....

I'd hit the ground running on Mondays, refreshed and renewed. And sometimes ready to make it an early weekend.... ;)

Once a year we went back to France for Summers or Christmas break. Then I'd live for the vacation, spending every day like a weekend til it was time to hit reality and go back to "normal life," knowing another vacation was just a few months away. And there was always the weekend to keep me going!

Then I got older and had kids. I began to live for bedtime, when the kids were all sleeping and I could finally put my feet up and read or write. Every time they woke up at night, every time one of them had a hard time napping, my whole day would be wrecked because it took away from my "me-time." I fought it with all my might. And as the kids kept coming, there was less and less of a chance that I'd ever get it back. Soon weekends were obsolete-- there was still food to prepare, diapers to change, children to take for walks, faces to wipe, dishes to do. Even a barbeque at a friend's became work.... Though I wasn't cooking, I would spend most of the time crouching by the stairs chiding littles not to run in the hall, touch art on the coffee table or wipe bbq sauce on the couch while everyone else relaxed.

Eventually, I grew into my motherhood-- accepted it-- and stopped living for bedtime. I learned to operate on sleep deprivation and get over my constant desire for "fun" and "relaxation."

I did, however, still live for my Sabbath--- that quiet day of rest in which my self-imposed "no unnecessary work" rule meant I could allow myself to take a nap, have a snuggle-fest with my family, watch that movie I'd been meaning to watch all week. Most importantly, Sunday was the day of my Big Outing, the only day I could count on each week to get out of the house, stop tiptoeing around my Father in Law, and spend an hour with Our Lord at Mass. A small (but large at the time) glitch in the system occurred when we switched parishes and started going somewhere which didn't have a nursery. I had to spend several months learning to "appreciate" mass with my little ones present, and I can assure you that it was a battle. Nevertheless, I soldiered on, and got to a place where -- as long as we are at our regular parish at the regular time-- I found it quite tolerable and frequently enjoyable.

It struck me as kind of sad that the only thing I really looked forward to each week was going to church.... after all, I used to be a social butterfly and lived in cities where there were endless opportunities to socialize enjoyably and learn a thing or two while we were at it... or at least just bask in the glory of creation outdoors. I still clung to that and relied on my one-hour outing to really make a dent in my feelings of loss. It gave me hope-- that there would eventually be two hour outings. And then weekends again! And vacations!

Around here, though, it's just not the same. There really is no "nature" to speak of that doesn't try to kill you and there are very few cultural events. Socializing requires driving all over to individual homes, which can be great but can also get old fast when many of the people you socialize with have lots of children too and you spend the majority of the time waiting on them and/or shielding your kids from learning stuff you don't like and/or talking about kids. (!)

And though this part of the South has it's own charms and benefits, I don't think a day goes by that I don't wistfully yearn for a bit of my past life.... at least.... for a bit of the ""world is your oyster" feeling I used to enjoy and take for granted. There is no glamour in poverty, there is no glamour in the ordinary cities of the south, there is no glamour in motherhood. It's a different kind of place.

For the last month, we have not had a car, (there is hardly public transportation where I live and everything is far) which means we have barely been able to get to the grocery store, let alone to Mass. It has taken the isolation of poverty and motherhood to whole new realms.

So I've been faced with the same four walls and nothing to look forward to for quite some time. At first, I thought... "well, this is no problem. What a gift! I can focus this time to grow in my homemaking."

 But I quickly realized that my homemaking is not like many other women's homemaking. I read homemaking blogs with interest and zeal, but then I realize-- 

I don't have control over what we eat, what time we do it, or how we go about our day. I don't have control over how we decorate, what things we celebrate or don't, or what our activities consist of during the day.

My husband is often home, and as any wife knows, that means things are always a little "different" than they are when he's not. We are very different..... we have different tastes, different ideas of entertainment and of "fun."

Similarly, for a woman with a husband who works 9-5, a certain expectation of normalcy exists that doesn't on the weekend.... both are nice. For a woman with a husband who is home a lot, it's just not the same. Which isn't to say that there's anything wrong with it-- it's NICE in many ways because I don't have the stresses that women with husbands who are gone have. However, when my husband isn't home and I'm finally able to tackle the jobs that are important to me, I still have my Father in Law around to "interrupt" the plans, and therefore there simply is no time or day when the day's events and activities are up to me. 

For a person who loves both control and certain types of stimulation -- like social interaction-- to live in this kind of condition has really been a challenge to adjust to.

A long time ago, I told God that I was willing to serve Him no matter the cost, and I said to Him that He could have my life. I meant it. I just had no idea he would take me up on it so much!

So recently I was crying to God about how I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I look forward to my kids smiling, or my husband's hugs. I look forward to a nice phone call with a friend or to a good dinner from time to time. But my life has lost the sense of "impending awesomeness" that it used to contain--- it's lost it's color. Even our Sabbaths are.... bland. We can't take weekend vacations or road trips. We can't afford a big nice meal. We can't even take a drive in the country and the nature of this military town is that people come and go, leaving us behind.

He told me: 

Proverbs 23:18 -- There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

But how?? I asked. And when?? What do I need to to find it again?

Colossians 1:5 -- the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel.

Grab a hold of the Gospel, He said. You have lost The Way.

With a shock, I acknowledged he was absolutely right. 

We are so weak, My Lord, and so foolish!! Our minds are perpetually stuck in the here and now- and yet You made our souls for eternity. In so many ways, you have given me so many gifts with eternal value. The way is not so clear and easy for many people, they are muddled and bogged down with attachments to things and ideas and places. I see every day how so many are worn out over things that don't matter--- worried about things when they should be worried about You. I see how easily idols grab hold in people's hearts and I'm often full of pride that I am so "advanced" in the spiritual life----- Yes, You have given me the grace of literally tearing my idols from me.... and yet here I sit, and I am mourning them all!
Help me, Oh God to find the wisdom I need to do what is right and good for my soul, and therein find real and lasting joy. Everything in this world is fading away. But You, God... You stand forever.

Proverbs 24:14-- Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

Make me wise, O Lord. 

Help me to understand that my lack of wisdom is the only real lack I am experiencing. Amen.