Something's missing

It used to be that I lived for the weekend.

As a kid, when the monotony of high school and eventually work / college life got to be too much, I always had the weekend to look forward to. Weekends were fun, there was always a party or two or ten to go to, breakfasts to enjoy with friends, movies, concerts, coffee shops, beaches, pool parties, hikes, a church which fed me emotionally and not just spiritually, and talks, meetings, and events to keep me busy. By the time Sundays rolled around I'd been running around so much I had the best time ever just sitting around with friends watching football, tri-tip and veggies on the grill, and throwing back some beers. Sunday nights I'd reflect on all the fun and be ready to work til the next weekend....

I'd hit the ground running on Mondays, refreshed and renewed. And sometimes ready to make it an early weekend.... ;)

Once a year we went back to France for Summers or Christmas break. Then I'd live for the vacation, spending every day like a weekend til it was time to hit reality and go back to "normal life," knowing another vacation was just a few months away. And there was always the weekend to keep me going!

Then I got older and had kids. I began to live for bedtime, when the kids were all sleeping and I could finally put my feet up and read or write. Every time they woke up at night, every time one of them had a hard time napping, my whole day would be wrecked because it took away from my "me-time." I fought it with all my might. And as the kids kept coming, there was less and less of a chance that I'd ever get it back. Soon weekends were obsolete-- there was still food to prepare, diapers to change, children to take for walks, faces to wipe, dishes to do. Even a barbeque at a friend's became work.... Though I wasn't cooking, I would spend most of the time crouching by the stairs chiding littles not to run in the hall, touch art on the coffee table or wipe bbq sauce on the couch while everyone else relaxed.

Eventually, I grew into my motherhood-- accepted it-- and stopped living for bedtime. I learned to operate on sleep deprivation and get over my constant desire for "fun" and "relaxation."

I did, however, still live for my Sabbath--- that quiet day of rest in which my self-imposed "no unnecessary work" rule meant I could allow myself to take a nap, have a snuggle-fest with my family, watch that movie I'd been meaning to watch all week. Most importantly, Sunday was the day of my Big Outing, the only day I could count on each week to get out of the house, stop tiptoeing around my Father in Law, and spend an hour with Our Lord at Mass. A small (but large at the time) glitch in the system occurred when we switched parishes and started going somewhere which didn't have a nursery. I had to spend several months learning to "appreciate" mass with my little ones present, and I can assure you that it was a battle. Nevertheless, I soldiered on, and got to a place where -- as long as we are at our regular parish at the regular time-- I found it quite tolerable and frequently enjoyable.

It struck me as kind of sad that the only thing I really looked forward to each week was going to church.... after all, I used to be a social butterfly and lived in cities where there were endless opportunities to socialize enjoyably and learn a thing or two while we were at it... or at least just bask in the glory of creation outdoors. I still clung to that and relied on my one-hour outing to really make a dent in my feelings of loss. It gave me hope-- that there would eventually be two hour outings. And then weekends again! And vacations!

Around here, though, it's just not the same. There really is no "nature" to speak of that doesn't try to kill you and there are very few cultural events. Socializing requires driving all over to individual homes, which can be great but can also get old fast when many of the people you socialize with have lots of children too and you spend the majority of the time waiting on them and/or shielding your kids from learning stuff you don't like and/or talking about kids. (!)

And though this part of the South has it's own charms and benefits, I don't think a day goes by that I don't wistfully yearn for a bit of my past life.... at least.... for a bit of the ""world is your oyster" feeling I used to enjoy and take for granted. There is no glamour in poverty, there is no glamour in the ordinary cities of the south, there is no glamour in motherhood. It's a different kind of place.

For the last month, we have not had a car, (there is hardly public transportation where I live and everything is far) which means we have barely been able to get to the grocery store, let alone to Mass. It has taken the isolation of poverty and motherhood to whole new realms.

So I've been faced with the same four walls and nothing to look forward to for quite some time. At first, I thought... "well, this is no problem. What a gift! I can focus this time to grow in my homemaking."

 But I quickly realized that my homemaking is not like many other women's homemaking. I read homemaking blogs with interest and zeal, but then I realize-- 

I don't have control over what we eat, what time we do it, or how we go about our day. I don't have control over how we decorate, what things we celebrate or don't, or what our activities consist of during the day.

My husband is often home, and as any wife knows, that means things are always a little "different" than they are when he's not. We are very different..... we have different tastes, different ideas of entertainment and of "fun."

Similarly, for a woman with a husband who works 9-5, a certain expectation of normalcy exists that doesn't on the weekend.... both are nice. For a woman with a husband who is home a lot, it's just not the same. Which isn't to say that there's anything wrong with it-- it's NICE in many ways because I don't have the stresses that women with husbands who are gone have. However, when my husband isn't home and I'm finally able to tackle the jobs that are important to me, I still have my Father in Law around to "interrupt" the plans, and therefore there simply is no time or day when the day's events and activities are up to me. 

For a person who loves both control and certain types of stimulation -- like social interaction-- to live in this kind of condition has really been a challenge to adjust to.

A long time ago, I told God that I was willing to serve Him no matter the cost, and I said to Him that He could have my life. I meant it. I just had no idea he would take me up on it so much!

So recently I was crying to God about how I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I look forward to my kids smiling, or my husband's hugs. I look forward to a nice phone call with a friend or to a good dinner from time to time. But my life has lost the sense of "impending awesomeness" that it used to contain--- it's lost it's color. Even our Sabbaths are.... bland. We can't take weekend vacations or road trips. We can't afford a big nice meal. We can't even take a drive in the country and the nature of this military town is that people come and go, leaving us behind.

He told me: 

Proverbs 23:18 -- There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

But how?? I asked. And when?? What do I need to to find it again?

Colossians 1:5 -- the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel.

Grab a hold of the Gospel, He said. You have lost The Way.

With a shock, I acknowledged he was absolutely right. 

We are so weak, My Lord, and so foolish!! Our minds are perpetually stuck in the here and now- and yet You made our souls for eternity. In so many ways, you have given me so many gifts with eternal value. The way is not so clear and easy for many people, they are muddled and bogged down with attachments to things and ideas and places. I see every day how so many are worn out over things that don't matter--- worried about things when they should be worried about You. I see how easily idols grab hold in people's hearts and I'm often full of pride that I am so "advanced" in the spiritual life----- Yes, You have given me the grace of literally tearing my idols from me.... and yet here I sit, and I am mourning them all!
Help me, Oh God to find the wisdom I need to do what is right and good for my soul, and therein find real and lasting joy. Everything in this world is fading away. But You, God... You stand forever.

Proverbs 24:14-- Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

Make me wise, O Lord. 

Help me to understand that my lack of wisdom is the only real lack I am experiencing. Amen.

Guest post for today on Catholic Dating

As a single in today’s world, it comes as no surprise that it can be tough to meet someone with whom
you are romantically compatible enough to date or share a relationship. And because your perfect
match would possess the same faith, values and religious ideals as you, if you’re a Catholic single, it
can be that much more difficult on the dating front. Although God has a plan for everyone, sometimes
we need a little help to ease the process along…so be sure to check out the following tips for finding a
Catholic match:

Open your heart. Before setting out in search of love or companionship, make sure that you are
mentally and spiritually ready to do so. If you have been hurt in previous relationships, it is crucial to
take the time necessary to heal from old wounds. When you hold onto the past, you do nothing but
carry that negativity into your new relationship, prohibiting yourself from moving forward and finding
true happiness with another person. Rather than focusing on it, reflect on your failed romantic history
as a learning experience and enjoy the present—remember to keep your heart open so you don’t miss
out on new people, new experiences and new love that God brings into your life.

Define your goals. Take some time to sit and think about the kind of person you are, the kind of person
you want to attract and how you plan to grow closer to each other and God in a Catholic relationship.
Write down all of the characteristics and qualities you find to be ideal in a potential match and look for
people who possess such traits. If you’re serious about finding a committed relationship, don’t waste
any more time with people you know aren’t right for you.

Go to church. You want to find a Catholic match in your area? Easy! Just go to Mass on Sunday! Get
active in church activities like volunteering, Bible study and even consider joining your church’s singles
group that is likely to be filled with plenty of eligible members of your congregation. To broaden your
horizons, feel free to visit other Catholic churches and check out their social groups as well.

Go online. Because of the popularity of the internet dating these days, more and more Catholic singles
across the web are increasing their chances of meeting like-minded individuals with just a few clicks of
a mouse. When using online dating sites catering specifically to Catholics, you have the opportunity
eliminate wasted time and energy on dates that don’t work out by creating a profile to hone in on exact
matches, sort through thousands of singles you wouldn’t have been able to meet otherwise and interact
with them to determine whether or not there is a connection—all from the convenience of your own
home!

Patience, positivity, prayer. The road to love can often be a long, lonely path that sometimes may feel
like it’s never going to end. If dates and relationships don’t work out, be patient and remember the key
to attracting a positive person is being positive yourself. Talk to God and pray about Him bringing the
right person into your life.

Guest post author, Erica St. Claire, enjoys writing about dating and relationships in the Catholic
community. In addition, Erica also owns Free Catholic Dating Sites where she provides resources for
Catholic singles interested in online dating.

Connect the Cuts: a review of The Devil Inside (NO SPOILER)

As I sit down to write this review, I still don't quite know how to say what I need to.
Was this movie good?
No, it was monumentally awful.
Was it bad because it was unrealistic about the issue of exorcism?
Yes. The makers of this film apparently decided to forgo any type of research-- even the most fundamental basics-- regarding the practical, theological and scientific aspects of the rite of exorcism and the issue of demonic possession within the Catholic Church outside of the most common, superstitious, and base stereotypes. My five year old could have written this movie with exponentially more accuracy--it was as if they truly didn't have even the most remote interest in portraying mental health issues or demonic issues with any type of realism. Because of this, watching the movie is painfully.... confusing.
It is the mental equivalent of watching a movie intended to be about NFL football, but which takes place entirely  in a swimming pool with an all female cast. It just makes no sense.
To be fair, There were moments in the film where I found myself nodding in agreement with one of the characters only to suddenly shake my head in disbelief--- wait, what did he just say??? Rewind.
For example, at one point in the film, Isabella is questioning the two rogue exorcists who are taking the course in exorcism alongside her. She asks: "But how do you KNOW when it's really demonic possession and not just mental illness?"
"You know," They reply in unison, with certainty. I did find myself nodding--- indeed, you just "know in your knower" as my old pastor used to say.
She asks again and they reply again in the same way, and I continued nodding along.
Moments later, from inside their apartment the priests are discussing the fine line between science and religion and their personal history with exorcism.
One of them says to her something along the lines of: "Along this journey, though, I feel like I've seen the Devil a lot more than I've seen God." I nodded again, able to relate to that feeling of "alone against evil" which people who participate in spiritual warfare often get.
But then the conversation shifts, and they begin to malign the Church, the Magesterium, the sacraments, and pretty much anything which a Catholic priest would use to get TO the very God they are woefully trying to reach. What??!!
Alright, so it wasn't realistic. But was it bad filmmaking?
YES.
From a purely film perspective, there was absolutely no cliché left untouched by this movie. Certainly, I will acknowledge that it is difficult to make a "new" exorcism movie. The Classic film The Exorcist covered the fundamentals, the Exorcism of Emily Rose covered the theological and practical aspects and introduced the mental health issue, and The Rite beautifully rounded them out and added intimacy with God and the ordinary activity of the devil which is so necessary for a healthy understanding of these issues.
To some degree, the ending notwithstanding, The Last Exorcism also contained elements that hadn't been explored and needed to be on the subject. But I admit , there isn't much left to work with from a visual and plotline standpoint. It would take creativity and effort--- two things sorely lacking from this production. I actually wonder if the filmmakers did this on purpose, to make a film which was as awful as humanly possible using every single horror-genre cliché.
Now, I'm very disappointed. So, before I go any further, let me give you the basic plot line according to the filmmakers.

In 1989, emergency responders received a 9-1-1 call from Maria Rossi (Crowley) confessing that she had brutally killed three people. 20 years later, her daughter Isabella (Andrade) seeks to understand the truth about what happened that night. She travels to the Centrino Hospital for the Criminally Insane in Italy where her mother has been locked away to determine if her mother is mentally ill or demonically possessed. When she recruits two young exorcists (Quarterman and Helmuth) to cure her mom using unconventional methods combining both science and religion, they come face-to-face with pure evil in the form of four powerful demons possessing Maria.

 Based on this synopsis, I thought to myself that this had some potential. Well, no.
I hate to relate it to the Blair Witch Project, which I enjoyed at the time of it's release, because so many reviewers are doing that. But if we're going to be honest, I have to, because the Blair Witch Project certainly changed the standard for documentary-style films with on-camera confessions. One thing particular to THIS movie though was the amount of reality-show drama that frequently went on, there were moments where I literally just wanted to pass out valiums to each of the characters and put them in separate rooms just to get a break from the frantic whining.
Kind of like The Real World meets the Blair Witch Project meets a giant can of cheese whiz.
Beginning with Maria Rossi, the woman allegedly demonically possessed, there are inconsistencies and bizarre twists that show lack of forethought and a total lack of common sense on the part of the film editors/writers.
With the intersection of science and religion being an area which absolutely fascinates me, I was looking forward to finding relevant, or at least thought-provoking information in this film, and "buddies" in what appeared in the previews to be a set of parapsychologically-oriented priests with experience in exorcism . Indeed, the previews showed us these cool, young priests, diligently working to combine reason with faith for the good of all.
Instead the "science" was hilariously laughable..... I think the pinnacle was when the two "priests" are at work with the possessed mother whose heart rate and blood pressure begin to rise.
They suddenly stop and stare at the monitor very seriously, ceasing all activity. In the silence we hear:  "wait a minute, I think we've got something here." Blinking lights abound, letting us know that she is..... experiencing a raised heart beat and high blood pressure. Surprise!
From a medical standpoint, the details of this film were beyond absurd. Everything from a doctor leaving a violent psych patient with a visitor alone in a room without any precautions to medicines which worked at the speed of light and restraints which were made of what amounted to be toilet paper. There was truly no limit to the stupidity exercised by supposed medical and mental health professionals in this film, which is irritating to me because for many people, the issue of taking diabolical possession seriously as a plausible cause for human difficulties revolves around the accuracy of the scientific method used when dealing with such people, as well as the attention to detail necessary for true scientific study. Any film which misrepresents the actual scientific attention to detail which MUST be paid when examining a patient for exorcism (for example, the Church usually requires a psychological examination before an exorcism is approved) does a HUGE disservice to the cause of truth and to those for whom science can not explain what they require for healing.

But of course, the issues that interest me most are the representations of possession itself, the explanations of Catholic belief, etc.
The opening assures us that the Vatican was in no way involved in the film, and that should be obvious to any Catholic watching considering the numerous fallacies portrayed in the film.... virtually everything was "off"--- explanations of theological concepts (such as what happens to unbaptised babies, or what it takes to be an exorcist) are totally false. Throughout the film, a great deal of emphasis is placed on the fact that certain men are "ordained exorcists." However, the men presented in such a way are vocally anti-magisterial and in direct disobedience  to the Church, which is almost laughable, if it wasn't so sad.
So in a sense, I am thankful that the very first scene immediately made it very clear that this film really has nothing to do with the Vatican, with Catholicism, with the Rite of Exorcism, etc. It's comparable to watching an agnostic or atheist write a book about Catholic theology-- to the person who is educated in these issues, utter nonsense is being put forth as fact from beginning to end. In fact, it kind of reminds me of how so many protestant pastors teach their congregations about the Catholic faith, TOTALLY demonizing it without qualms, without once citing an actual Catholic doctrine or belief, only stating protestant hypotheses about what Catholics believe, all the while preaching from a Bible the Catholic Church gave them. This is just like that.
Another incredibly annoying aspect of the exorcisms themselves stems from the fact that there is absolutely no order--- apparently these rogue priests operate in total disarray-- incoherently shouting insults mixed with latin sentences, randomly flinging crosses and stoles about the room, periodically checking machines which do absolutely nothing, stopping to re-arrange cameras, and allowing anybody and everybody to be involved and present in the actual exorcism, despite the state of their souls or the possible danger to themselves. There is nothing methodical about it.
Contrary to what these filmmakers seem to think, the Rite of Exorcism is a RITE, with an order, a beginning, a middle, and an end. For a reason. Priest exorcists must prepare, sometimes for months if need be, and so do their assistants. The Rite itself has an order, and must be followed exactly according to the book. So what is presented as "exorcism" is in fact, not. What is presented as an "exorcist" is in fact.... not. And what's presented as extraordinary behavior of the possessed is in fact.... not.
At one point, the allegedly possessed mother leans in to whisper to the daughter that she "knows" (via preternatural knowledge) that the daughter has had an abortion. This is a common scenario during exorcism or conversation with possessed persons that has made me (and any other person who has ever assisted at an exorcism) very uncomfortable-- having one's hidden sins being exposed openly is never something anyone enjoys. Nevertheless, when the daughter later relates it to the rogue exorcists she is working with, it doesn't seem to phase them at all that this woman has had an abortion and might need healing, nor does it concern them in the slightest that her soul might need help, because only moments later she is assisting at an exorcism herself, nevermind the fact that should she become injured or killed she would, according to Catholic doctrine, have needed absolution in order to be forgiven for the mortal sin of murder.
Inconsistencies like those are rampant throughout, but the number one difficulty I faced while watching involved how little tiny kernels of truth were strewn haphazardly throughout the film at key points, so that eventually the viewer appears to see some sort of connection..... a connect-the-dots (connect the cuts? A clue from the film?) if you will. These shreds of "factual" information, to those familiar with these issues, or somewhat familiar, appear to confirm something very troubling: that the Vatican is concealing/ keeping it's ability to heal people from demonic possession and allowing them to suffer.
This idea, so completely far from the truth, is presented as factual, but also given so subtly throughout the film and in such imperceptibly small doses that a perfectly normal Catholic may actually walk out of the film beginning to ask himself those very questions.
The issue that seems most important here is that there is a very real "dialogue" at work within the Church regarding matters of exorcism and legitimate questions people have about changes in norms. There is also a very real issue---- which is being addressed, in the manner the church ALWAYS addresses issues.... with patience, prudence, and prayer.
Meanwhile, Hollywood is perfectly content throughout this movie to use the mysterious and wonderful facets of the Catholic religion that people are naturally drawn to while completely bashing it's heart-- the Church-- at every turn.
There's something profoundly wrong with that... and I don't think the terms "hypocritical" or "opportunist"even begins to describe it.
If, like me, you believe (you KNOW) that there are persons rotting away in dirty mental institutions, forgotten, who can receive very real, very needed help from a Catholic priest....then you owe it to those people to do what you can to make sure that the tightrope line between science and religion is frequently walked and explored. A movie like this has so much potential for good--- and instead embraces wholeheartedly everything sad and terrible about human nature... and filmmaking. Save your money.