I promised to write a blog for first time mothers to help them with any tips or ideas I have acquired over the course of my pregnancies. There is SO. MUCH. information out there, and anyone who does a little research can gain a pretty good grasp of what their body is going through, and what will happen.
I remember when I was going through my first pregnancy, which was high risk and in which I had a severe complication, I kept wanting to talk to my mom about all of it because I had never realized before what she had been through and done for me. And in the course of those conversations, my mom always marveled at the awareness that I had of my own body and of it's workings.... an awareness I inherited from years of dance class and hours on google. :D
She told me that for her, pregnancy just happened, and she didn't ask herself a lot of questions because she was busy with life and there just wasn't that much information out there. Just enough to get her throught it. I've since often thought that it probable served her nicely not to have such an abundance of information at her fingertips when she was going through it. Her pregnancies were probably very peaceful and calm because of the lack of anxiety that over-informing ourselves can bring.
Especially since all of the "givens" we learn in American motherhood about birth and infancy are completely different from the "givens" we learn as mothers in Japan, or France, or Sweden. Different cultures do things in different ways, and the over-abundance of internet opinions can make these very confusing times for women doing something that-- when we think about it-- is both completely natural and completely ordinary, extraordinary as it is.
Nowadays, pregnant women are BOMBARDED with not only information but opinions... opinions about diet, exercise, relaxation, communication between spouses, and everything else.
Increasingly, men are not only told how to respond but trained for bedside labor assistance, moment-by-moment attention to their spouse during the pregnancy experience, and all sorts of things which, until recently, were simply not their domain. It has truly become a woman's world.... but is that a good thing?
The de-masculinization of men has created a culture in which men simply are not free to do the things they are good at. Instead of utilizing their problem solving/big picture/vision skills, they are so drained from dealing with all the tiny, mundane, administrative details of life that they are incapable of leading/ guiding. At least, that's the way it looks from this house.... where things are different.
We think it is a detrimental element of our culture that a pregnancy in a house means that a woman must have ice cream on demand, be preserved from dish-doing, floor-cleaning, or meal-making, and be entitled to parenting-from-a-distance.
At the same time, we don't believe that men (and other women) should lose sight of how challenging pregnancy is and just how severe it's toll is on women. All things in moderation. I'm not advocating that men NOT be there at the birth, or not help around the house, I'm saying that life happens. If your man is gone, well, there have been millions of women who have gone before, gone on to have perfectly healthy children and marriages in which the husband wasn't present at the birth of his child. There is no such thing as "an ideal birth," only a birth that happens the way it is supposed to in your family. Make the best of your situation, pray very much, and avoid selfishness and self-centeredness or excessive focus on the experience, rather than focusing on the purpose. Kinda like what you probably DIDN'T do in your wedding.... if you are anything like the majority of American women. Avoid excesses, unless they be excesses of kindness and charity.
It is good to be courteous, compassionate, considerate of the life-making going on inside the womb. It is good to offer help, pay close attention to a woman's limits, and to serve her in whatever capacity we can. It is terrible to demand service and compassion from others, to expect assistance, and to be lazy, selfish, and arrogant. I am quite certain that it is a worse offense to UNDERdo it than to OVERdo it in pregnancy.... because most of us don't even come CLOSE to overdoing it, high risk pregnancies and all.
When I see women who essentially throw up their hands and say: "I can't, I'm pregnant" to virtually every menial daily task, while sitting on their butts watching A Birth Story for twelve hours a day (with a few breaks on google to study up on placenta encapsulation and labor positions) I am disappointed. I'm disappointed for their husbands, who are selflessly making the best of their situation and doing what they think is right by giving waaaay more than their fair share of the "work." I suspect there will be many more MEN from our generation than women in heaven.
I know it is the product of the Satanic attack on families, to create this culture of laziness in pregnant women, because it damages the woman's sense of self.. alongside the human dignity of the child and husband.
You see, in our society, pregnancy has become an idol. And I watch people worship The Pregnant Woman.... making sacrifice after sacrifice for her and to her. The Woman who takes the role of the worshipped becomes so very comfortable--thoroughly willing to take on the physical pain of pregnancy with joy and delight because she is made the center of all things. Our society (materialistic and cultish in nature) extolls the virtues of the pregnant woman and makes her think it's all about Me, Me, glowing and beautiful ME!
But then when the baby is born, the baby becomes an accessory, an object of gratification, and an emotional crutch (isn't it nice to be needed/wanted all the time?) and the woman is mostly forgotten. We drop the preggo idol and move on to the infant idol... and that in itself is disturbing. Babies used to need a bed, a few blankets, and some cloth diapers. Nowadays the insane amount of "baby gear" that is considered a must-have for a phase which lasts under a year is truly.... mind boggling. And expensive... and stressful. Women go from focusing totally and completely (and having their husbands focus) on themselves, to focusing completely and totally on the desires and comfort of this new little baby. On the outside , this seems... nice. But what I'm getting at is that the attention on materialism and emotional soothing is disproportionate to the attention on work, service and sacrifice that was, and should be, the majority of the Family Culture. There are people out there who are literally having only one child, even though they can "afford" many by even wordly standards, because they don't want to psychologically damage the child they do have by focusing on another little baby. they think it is unfair, or takes away from that child, when the reality is that pregnancy and children are a gift because they teach us not to be selfish!
Personally, I admit I have a hard time understanding women who spend a great deal of time off their feet lying around because they are pregnant (I'm talking about a REGULAR pregnancy, not a pregnancy which requires bedrest.) To me, pregnancy is not an excuse for negligence in the homestead, especially since we have made so much "medical progress" and we are so capable of solving so many pregnancy difficulties. Historically, women have coped with pregnancy in much more difficult situations and been absolutely capable of dealing. There were often no husbands for long periods of time to help around the house. Now, granted, there were many other factors in favor of the pregnant woman, who was still in a considerably weakened condition-- back then , children were raised to actually HELP around the house as opposed to being draining "needers." It is also a given that there is a moderate, middle ground place, where a pregnant woman should be left to put her feet up when she needs it and after she has completely the menial tasks required of her in every day life.
Hyper awareness of our bodies and the way we feel, combined with pseudo-knowledge about the pregnancy condition, has not done much for our sainthood.... look at Saint Gianna, who was a doctor and a mother, and who made the difficult choice to give her own life for the life of her baby. That's how she became a saint.. not by requesting that her husband water the garden for her, stay up with the sick toddler, and pick up some Ben and Jerry's on his way home from work. He may have done those things, and that is wonderful. But she would neither have expected them nor desired them. She would have desired work.
Please understand, if you are reading this and feel "judged" by this article, that I am not judging YOU. I don't know your particulars, your situation, what your doctor said or didn't say. I don't know your husbands, your arrangements, and your ideals. What I do know is that if you felt your conscience "pricked" by this reading, perhaps you recognize that you may have taken advantage of your pregnancy-- or worse (and more likely) been duped by the enemy with regards to your own personal growth and the good of your family. Or perhaps I'm dead wrong, and you can feel free to tell me so. It wouldn't be the first time. These are just things I have observed over the course of my own pregnancies and in dialogue with other mothers around the internet. Meditating on them has really helped me to overcome the majority of what I would call my average "motherhood and pregnancy gripes." (which were numerous.)
But then when the baby is born, the baby becomes an accessory, an object of gratification, and an emotional crutch (isn't it nice to be needed/wanted all the time?) and the woman is mostly forgotten. We drop the preggo idol and move on to the infant idol... and that in itself is disturbing. Babies used to need a bed, a few blankets, and some cloth diapers. Nowadays the insane amount of "baby gear" that is considered a must-have for a phase which lasts under a year is truly.... mind boggling. And expensive... and stressful. Women go from focusing totally and completely (and having their husbands focus) on themselves, to focusing completely and totally on the desires and comfort of this new little baby. On the outside , this seems... nice. But what I'm getting at is that the attention on materialism and emotional soothing is disproportionate to the attention on work, service and sacrifice that was, and should be, the majority of the Family Culture. There are people out there who are literally having only one child, even though they can "afford" many by even wordly standards, because they don't want to psychologically damage the child they do have by focusing on another little baby. they think it is unfair, or takes away from that child, when the reality is that pregnancy and children are a gift because they teach us not to be selfish!
Personally, I admit I have a hard time understanding women who spend a great deal of time off their feet lying around because they are pregnant (I'm talking about a REGULAR pregnancy, not a pregnancy which requires bedrest.) To me, pregnancy is not an excuse for negligence in the homestead, especially since we have made so much "medical progress" and we are so capable of solving so many pregnancy difficulties. Historically, women have coped with pregnancy in much more difficult situations and been absolutely capable of dealing. There were often no husbands for long periods of time to help around the house. Now, granted, there were many other factors in favor of the pregnant woman, who was still in a considerably weakened condition-- back then , children were raised to actually HELP around the house as opposed to being draining "needers." It is also a given that there is a moderate, middle ground place, where a pregnant woman should be left to put her feet up when she needs it and after she has completely the menial tasks required of her in every day life.
Hyper awareness of our bodies and the way we feel, combined with pseudo-knowledge about the pregnancy condition, has not done much for our sainthood.... look at Saint Gianna, who was a doctor and a mother, and who made the difficult choice to give her own life for the life of her baby. That's how she became a saint.. not by requesting that her husband water the garden for her, stay up with the sick toddler, and pick up some Ben and Jerry's on his way home from work. He may have done those things, and that is wonderful. But she would neither have expected them nor desired them. She would have desired work.
Please understand, if you are reading this and feel "judged" by this article, that I am not judging YOU. I don't know your particulars, your situation, what your doctor said or didn't say. I don't know your husbands, your arrangements, and your ideals. What I do know is that if you felt your conscience "pricked" by this reading, perhaps you recognize that you may have taken advantage of your pregnancy-- or worse (and more likely) been duped by the enemy with regards to your own personal growth and the good of your family. Or perhaps I'm dead wrong, and you can feel free to tell me so. It wouldn't be the first time. These are just things I have observed over the course of my own pregnancies and in dialogue with other mothers around the internet. Meditating on them has really helped me to overcome the majority of what I would call my average "motherhood and pregnancy gripes." (which were numerous.)
And if it's not to be believed because you heard it from me, consider that Pope John Paul II said the following:
The great danger for family life, in the midst of any society whose idols are pleasure, comfort and independence, lies in the fact that people close their hearts and become selfish.
The great danger for family life, in the midst of any society whose idols are pleasure, comfort and independence, lies in the fact that people close their hearts and become selfish.
I know I need daily reminding of that fact. Come, Holy Spirit!
That being said..... here are some of my "DO" tips for pregnancy.
- Meditate on the spiritual value of your pregnancy and eventual motherhood.
-Pray very much for the strength you need to get through it.
-Consider that the end result of this pregnancy is not that you will have a baby to hold (even though that is a side effect that will bring you great joy!) Instead, think about the fact that this growing infant will one day be an adult who will answer to God (and for whom YOU will answer.) Plan accordingly.
-Be gentle with yourself. Pay attention to your body and know when to stop.
-Be firm with yourself. Decide what you can reasonably do and then do it. No need to be superwoman, but you still need to be making progress.
-Eat moderately. There is no reason to eat excessively.... the "extra" calories you need can be found in a glass of milk and a peanut butter sandwhich.
-get plenty of exercise. I particularly recommend certain yoga positions which will assist with back pain and sciatica (I will do a post on these soon.) Do spend a significant amount of time paying attention to your posture.
-drink water.
-Breathe, and be nice. Hormones RAGE during pregnancy, which makes people totally freak out. If you think the world is ending, you are done, you are furious.... it's probably hormones. Relax.
-Get enough sleep. Discipline yourself so that you sleep as much as you can, but don't over-indulge either by shirking your motherly duties towards your other children if there are some.
-Don't take drugs. American doctors are quick to prescribe "harmless" drugs for all of the uncomfortable side effects of pregnancy. These "harmless" drugs are anything but harmless. Stick to well-known herbal remedies and natural solutions as much as possible. Avoid antibiotics like the plague.
-Everyone gets BV. Use plain yogurt, don't take drugs. Don't be embarrassed.
-Take your prenatals. Every day. WITH lots of water.
-Don't believe it just because everyone is doing it. Don't believe it just because you read it on the internet.
-No, you don't really NEED that (_____________________).
-Learn the Bradley method. But don't feel bad about wanting an epidural.
-If you fear labor, understand this simple idea: labor feels like terrible, awful, really bad period cramps which come and go at a faster and longer rate, followed by the feeling of taking a giant poop from your vagina. True story. In that same feels good-slash-hurts kind of way. You CAN do it. Your body is made for it. And you might even learn to enjoy it if you do it often enough. I apologize if this was awful for you to read, but hearing this information really made me understand and work with my own labor better. It removed the fear I had, which is the biggest labor problem. Fear prevents relaxation, and relaxation is the only solution. So relax. We've all pooped before.
-Breastfeed immediately or right after if you can. If you can not, do not panic. Just keep trying.
-Enlist the prayers and help of a good friend or two and have a doula if you can.
-Remember that, like everything else, this too, shall pass. So be thankful, and do what you're supposed to. Every moment.
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