Been having the proverbial mid-midlife crisis a bit, trying to wrap my head around turning thirty. And I am finding it quite amazing that though it SOUNDS old and kinda terrifies me, it actually FEELS pretty darn good.
I've done more things in my thirty years than most of the people I meet. Some of the things I want to reflect on follow:
1. Growing up in Santa Barbara, CA was only "normal" insofar as it was a common experience to other Santa Barbarans. The experience, though, is far from average. Most of the kids I've since encountered ( and Fayetteville ain't called the All-American City for nothing) have never seen, done, or heard of many of the things which make "a Santa Barbara life." Santa Barbara is a place where sex, drugs, music, dreams, a gourmet palate, entertainment, the New Age, celebrities, money and excess are the standard. Even for the poor of the City. It is profoundly Luciferian at it's core, and that's because it is a place of convergence between wealth, indulgence, false religion, drug use, and the world of music and movies. And its greatest deception lies in it's absolutely magical beauty and pleasure-filled atmosphere. It is a pure miracle that I, a product of that environment, am still alive. I have had -since I turned twelve- at least one friend or acquaintance a year lose his life through drug use, alcohol use, or suicide. When I meditate on this fact, I am filled with awe that though I have taken all the same risks over and over, I am still here. By God's grace alone have I made it to 30. To acknowledge this is to acknowledge my great debt. Money, and materialism has had a profound influence on me... To the point where I don't like to visit so as not to get stuck in my old "spoiled" habits again.
The irony of the poor Franciscan monks who bring the Catholic Faith to these people everyday and of the barefoot Poor Clares who offer themselves wholly to save their souls is not lost on me. I thank God my Children will not grow up there, and at the same time I thank God for having grown me there, for it molded me and primed me to understand my need for Him.
2. Growing up bi-cultural has been an enormous gift. If only because today, as one who is unable to travel the globe nonchalantly, I can see what a great blessing it has been in terms of opening me up towards others and helping me to understand that their experience of life is not my own. I thank God for Christianity, for through it I have learned that travel can happen anywhere...that I need only go within to my memories or experiences and I am right there in my grandmother's kitchen again, enjoying the best parts of being "over there."
3. I have only two regrets, but they are heavy. I regret the times I did not love God more and the times I did not love others more.
Those times that I did not love God enough to realize my body is His temple stand out. Drug use and unchastity stand out... And I regret those times because I am still carrying in myself today the particular consequences of those sins. Somewhere out there men, women and demons carry little pieces of my soul, and no matter what I do to claim it back God lets them keep it as a reminder of the brokenness sin causes. Even my body suffers. Which is why nothing could be sweeter to me than the words of my Savior: "Behold, I make all things new."
My other regret is the way that I have treated the men who have loved me and the women I stepped on to get them to.
I have broken hearts, and though God has forgiven me because He knows my contrition, I have never discovered any indication that these particular people have, although I have sought it. Had I fully understood the human dignity which they bear, I would have never dreamed of treating them the way I did. And for what? For the pursuit of my own pride, amusement and advancement. That shame and guilt is a perpetual reminder that sin breaks people's hearts. And while it is no longer "too much" to bear, God allows me the memory and consequences of it that I might never sin again. Incredibly, I still do.
If there was one "wish" I might have then, it is to have a heart to heart with these people and to say: "I am sorry it took me so long to realize the incredible dignity which God has given you." I thank God that is one mistake I will not make again.
Today, as I turn thirty, I wish to extend an invitation to all my readers to turn to God in His mercy. The Gospel is True. This world and
it's systems are passing so quickly, but only one thing will stand forever- a right relationship with Jesus Christ.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch, forgive any mistakes :p
"Perhaps this is one of the secrets of life-- to know 'Glory' when we see it..." --Charlotte M. Mason
That wasn't a "Santa Barbara life" that you had; that was YOUR life. From your description, one would think that Santa Barbara is a "little Vegas," full of hookers, strip clubs, drug addicts, materialistic people, etc. You're just plain wrong. While you may have made the choice to involve yourself with drugs, alcohol, sex, and general excess, the vast majority of people who grew up with you decided not to do the same. To blame your own bad decisions on growing up in Santa Barbara is ridiculous, and to imply that you're lucky to be alive given the environment you grew up in is even more so. You said it yourself: YOU chose to take the same risks over and over. Those same risks can be taken in cities and towns all across this county. There are always people around that can lead you down the wrong path. You made the choice to associate yourself with those people; I, also a "product of that environment," made the choice not to. I would be extremely fortunate to have my children grow up in Santa Barbara, a community that actually takes pride in its LACK of excess. Happy Earth Day from the birthplace of the modern environmental movement.
ReplyDeleteActually, you're wrong. Santa Barbara is FULL of excess.... a world where celebrity culture meets hippie/activism, where the liberal elite put their minds together to further the governance of our nation through their causes and staged and unstaged media events.
ReplyDeleteOne has to leave to experience a little bit of the rest of America to see what an incredible wasteland of immorality California truly has become. But it is the child of its parents.... and the days of Free Love have certainly had their effect on it.
Even the best of them-- the ones who didn't succumb, (like you, I see -- good for you) to drugs or alcoholism (which, I'm sorry, IS the standard in high schools across Southern California moreso than in other areas of the US) grew up to be the spoiled sons of their spoiled, rebellious parents-- adamant liberals who spread their poisonous doctrine through the brainwashing of society and the operation of "grassroots" political movements which bring out such winners as Barrack Obama.(good uberfail there.)
If nothing else, Santa Barbara is a literal hotbed of new age nonsense and vast materialism which fuse to create a purely immoral ideology which is then pushed on the rest of the "ripe" waiting world, willing to do whatever they see our celebrities do on TV. Don't be fooled... there's very little good going on in Santa Barbara. Some good-- of course, and that good is powerful, ripe, and spreading.... but outside of that small element, there is nothing True coming out of there and hasn't been for years.
The proof is in the pudding.... earth day, the world's Communist / Materialist Festival was created there, as you say.