To Care, or Not to Care?

Been watching House, M.D. a lot lately on our date nights. I think we needed something more intellectually stimulating, and we have definitely been served. The show is truly thought provoking in so many ways, and though it periodically has elements that we whole-heartedly disagree with (Lesbian relationships, Atheism, and Drug use, to name a few) it is all done in a relatively tasteful and definitely purposeful way-- it's not explicit for the sake of being explicit but rather witty and intended to make the viewer pause to think.

It also helps that, yet again, my husband is a lot like the main character. Dr House, let's face it, is what society would call a "total jerk." He is callous, unfeeling, unrelenting, brilliant, and totally logical about EVERYTHING. Periodically, the viewer gets a glimpse into "how he got that way," and for the most part, we realize that he has his reasons and that we don't really want him to change... after all, it is his calm, logical nature that helps him to see things as they REALLY are, untainted by his emotional attachments, and thus to be the best Diagnostician in the land.

My husband is (hopefully) not as utterly unfeeling as House is, but he can certainly come off that way-- in fact, it was one of the biggest things we fought over when we were first married. I am a very emotional person, and have glorious ups and devastating downs. He, on the other hand, is mostly pretty steady with a few serious dips which make him appear slightly nasty sometimes. It can be very unnerving to try to "share your feelings" with a man who doesn't really care what those feelings are if they don't do much for the situation at hand. For example: "I'm so frustrated because we don't get time together. " His response: "Well, this week that's the way it has been. Next week I'll make sure to schedule more time with you." And famously, I hear: "Dry it up!"

What's interesting about both is that they certainly HAVE emotions-- they have good days, bad days, things that amuse them more than others, etc. But like Lucius Vorenus in HBO's ROME (another favorite of ours containing Peter's identical twin) we see that it is his willingness to lay aside emotions for philosophical thinking that helps him to continue to do the "right" thing... which, in House's case, means to do his job effectively and save lives.

In one of the episodes we saw last week, (Season 4, Episode 13: No more Mr. Nice Guy,) House encounters a man who is just waaaaay "too" nice.
This bugs House, who of course, goes over to the guy and very deliberately slams his cane down on the guys foot, hoping for a reaction. The guy's wife is furious, but the husband calms her by gently saying "Honey, I'm sure he didn't mean to do it."
The entire episode continues as we discover that the man has syphilis and that it has caused his brain to "change" and make him act a certain way. As the syphilis is treated, then, there is talk of him becoming less nice and more "ordinary." The big question is-- will he? House hopes so, because as House says: "The guy is either perfect or he is sick."

The man's response was, to me, amazing. "I'm sure he didn't mean to do it." How profound. There is a good lesson there-- we learn to assume the best in people, even when we know that they have purposely done the worse. And why? To benefit our own sense of solidarity with the life around us... to give us hope that the world is not as crummy as we know it is. This is Christian "positivity," -- an awareness that though life is Hell, God is good and loves us, ALL the time. Let me elaborate. The man KNEW-- he had seen with his eyes-- that House had purposely hurt him. And yet instead of reacting, he chose the right and said :"I'm sure he didn't mean to do it." This both shook up House, who HAD meant to do it, and reassured the man, who knew he had meant to do it, by placing him on the "upper level" of the playing field. The man had demonstrated that he was the bigger man in the situation, and it unnerved House.

In this particular case, the dynamic between the man and House was fascinating to watch because they represented two sides of this coin: Nice, positive, always loving vs. Cold, callous, and totally disinterested, thus logical, level-headed, and wise. I loved watching the battle because we are called to be both, in a sense.

Nowadays, we are fed this notion that our emotions should feed us and should be our driving force. We are promised that we "deserve happiness" and sold this idea to be "true to ourselves" and follow our dreams.
We see brides and pregnant mommies cajoled and catered to in a manner that conveys that everything is about them. We read in magazines that we should "Express ourselves" and "find ourselves" and "pursue happiness at all costs," "doing what's right for us."

But the man in the episode didn't FEEL happy all the time. I'm sure when House hammered on his foot with his cane he felt sad, hurt, rejected, bewildered, and confused! But he CHOSE to BE happy despite all these things, and that is the key, I think, to this life.

It seems to me that a lot of this stuff stems from the sixties and the rise of feminism. We all can agree that at a basic level, women tend to be more intuitive and emotional and men tend to be more logical and level-headed. We have the hormones to assist us in allowing our emotions to takeover, and they are exacerbated by things like stress, which pumps us full of even more hormones and takes us over the edge. I see in my children, one boy and one girl so far, that my daughter is the one who is all drama and emotional extravagance-- she is either a perfect joy to be around or a moaning, miserable terror. My son, however, spends most of his time doing exactly what he wants-- if he wants a cuddle, he comes to get one and doesn't make me guess. If he wants to be left alone to take apart the bathtub faucet, he gets to work and doesn't ask my opinion.
With the rise of feminism, we have become forced to live in a world where women take jobs that require the emotional "coolness" of men and which, quite frankly, do not suit women for reasons of physical strength and emotional strength (soldiers, firefighters, cops, etc)
Likewise, we have become forced to live in a world that has utterly emasculated men-- asking them to "get in touch" with their emotions and essentially become women. Nowadays we are hard pressed to find a level-headed man who is NOT overcome by his emotions, the last four decades of child rearing have ensured that all our men would know how to both provide financially for their families AND take care of the homes AND parent their children AND maintain a good mood while doing it all while their wives visit spas and take "babymoons" and shopping breaks.
Even in families when this isn't the norm, families who have thankfully attempted to allow their men to be men, I find frequently that the boys and husband are still encouraged constantly-- usually despite themselves-- to "talk" about their feelings, to examine their feelings, and to share them with others. The women (and I've been guilty of this over and over myself!) get together with other women to do the same with each other when their husbands are NOT willing or able to participate.

Entire religious systems (like followers of the New Age philosophy "The Secret," law of attraction, and Scientology) are built around the idea of "personal happiness." Their adherents are encouraged to find happiness by dwelling on their
positive thoughts" ie, the things that make them happy, and acting on those things mentally, emotionally, and physically to bring about more happiness.

But I digress.

The thing is, our emotions have taken front and center in today's world, and that is not a biblical sign of a healthy human being. God, who made tripartite man (Body, Spirit, Soul) and tells us in His Word over and over again how he should order his passions, has laid out a very clear blueprint.

We are: BODY (flesh) SPIRIT (spirit) and SOUL (Mind, will, emotions)
The Spirit, which is breathed to life by our uniting with Christ, should lead, followed by our rightly ordered soul: WILL FIRST, then MIND, and THEN EMOTIONS, followed by our Body, or flesh.
We order our soul thus because it is an act of our WILL to follow the Spirit, and we must use our MIND to control our emotions. If we reverse this order, as the natural world seems to think that we ought, and put our emotions on higher ground than our minds or even our wills, then we find ourselves faltering because our emotions are misleading-- they are neither demonstrative of the "TRUE" story nor helpful in determining a course of action. They simply are.

In the Catechism of the Church, the Church makes a point to remind us that once we are Christians there is virtually NO distinction between spirit and soul-- that is, we are so overcome by the Spirit that it controls our Mind, Will, and Emotions. How wise!

For instance.... I have, in the past, been hurt by a person's distance towards me and acted on that hurt, only to discover later that the person was utterly occupied with something deeply serious that shamed me when I realized that my need to be loved took precedence over their rightful need to be loved at that time. A rightly ordered person would have, instead, followed the Holy Spirit's leading to continue to love that person despite apparent rejection, using their will to submit to the Spirit and be compassionate, using their mind to examine possible reasons for said rejection, and finally, acknowledging that though "hurt feelings" were there, they were not useful for the fulfillment of the task at hand and needed to be put aside. As the situation righted itself, of course, those 'hurt feelings' became FEELINGS of love.

I believe that if people could stop putting so much stock in their HEARTS (Which scripture tells us over and over are deceitful and full of poison) and rather put their stock in the TRUTH (which is, whatever is logical and correct, alongside whatever is what God has said) then we will find ourselves, like House, perfectly detached from all tainting of our actions by our unruly emotions, and instead find ourselves succeeding at living in true joy-- which is a choice to live by every Word that comes from the mouth of God.

In House's case, his emotional detachment allows him to continue to serve people by healing them and remaining uninvolved. And as he does, he is, himself, provided with those emotional "needs" he has-- to love and be loved, etc. His team would do anything for him, and though he would be hard pressed to admit it, he would do anything for his team. There is a solidarity there that defies all ordinary bonds of "caring"-- and it is a gift given to a man who has transcended his emotions.

We trust God, and we believe His Word. What more do we need?

Thus, when we have run out of food, we can boil a pot of water and wait for the neighbor to bring by the rice instead of anxiously laying awake at night?
When we have run out of love, we can continue to serve and wait for the neighbor to show us some love instead of pacing and wondering.

Love is a choice. Being offended is a choice. Emotions are actions.