Dear Dara

Dear Dara,

If you're wondering why I'm writing you here, it's because the more I think about our conversation, the more I wish I could have explained better what's going on with us... and I'm sure that our conversation will answer so many other's questions! Wayne says I probably overwhelmed you with information, because in order for you not to worry about me, you first would have to agree with me that Catholicism is a valid expression of Christianity, and then examine each teaching of the church in light of scripture just to make sure I have all my ducks in a row(as a friend said yesterday/) I was trying to give it to you backwards--- why I believe all the different teachings are biblical first and THEN why that makes catholicism not just "an" acceptable form of Christian worship but "the" most acceptable form of Christian worship in my mind.

This is what I "should have said," in hopes that you can read it and chew on it before we talk again.

In order to understand why I retunred to the Catholic church, you have to understand why I left in the first place.
Up until sixteen, I had strong faith, but like many teenagers, I rebelled against God. That rebellion caused my need for God to skyrocket, and so at 18, I searched for God with more fervor than I ever had before.
I expressed my search in terms of my catholicism-- meaning, I tried to get closer to him through "being" a Catholic--- but because in my domestic church, my home, I had never seen an example of "personal" relationship with Christ, I didn't know how to live one out. It wasn't that my mom didn't have one, it was that she treated it sort of like a secret. And because of that, I wasn't introduced to the concept that God was absolutely a normal part of my every day life. Praying was a private, personal act. Not something we did as a family regularly.
After a brief stint in Wicca, which came about just as a "seeking God" kinda thing that teenagers do, I was ready to grow in my catholic faith, but I didn't know how.
At that time, I became friends with some of Jehova's Witnesses totally by accident. And through them, I began to discern that God was calling all of us to a life of radical holiness. I realized that the reason I wasn't getting in touch with God was that I WAS FULL OF SIN, and that that sin was keeping me in a state of farness from God. This didn't happen over night. It was a gradual thing. But it was there, nonetheless, as I tried to conform to an "image of godliness" that I began to discern in people around me. The problem was that I was looking for it in PEOPLE and not in Jesus Christ.
That's because I had never really paid attention to the Word of God. That isn't because I was catholic--- Catholics believe very strongly in knowing the Word of God and have the Word proclaimed at church every single day of the year. It was because, again, I had never had that example in my "domestic church. (at home)

Because of that, I was fascinated with what my Jehova's Witness friends had to offer. They gave me a bible and a hundred billion books and brochures using scripture quotations (out of context, I will say) telling me that my religion was dead and that God was no longer active in the Catholic Church, that the Church was actually the Whore of babylon, that people in Catholic Churches were really pagans in disguise, etc etc etc.
Fortunately, God gave me discernment to recognize immediately that their Bible was very "different " from every other bible, but I really did begin to understand the call to holiness.

Shortly afterwards, I happened to be at a Calvary Chapel on Christmas Eve and heard pastor ricky preach on surrender to Jesus. And in that moment, I realized why I hadn't been able to figure out all this time-- that I had never really "surrendered" to Jesus! I dropped to my knees right there in the service and asked Him to come into my life in a new way. Protestants call that "the day I was saved."

I had never liked Calvary Chapel people much before. They were always coming up to me and inviting me to this or that church event and "Christian concert" and asking me if I was saved and trying to share the gospel with me. They were so verbal about their salvation that it really irritated me... but slowly, this began to change as I got to know and love the CCSB and reality crew.

Being around all these Christians was wierd for me because as I was "taken into the fold," I had a hard time finding a place. Many of these kids were raised Christians and had never seen someone quite like me, who was very far removed from anything resembling holiness at the time! They were actually pretty judgemental and difficult to befriend, but I persisted and met some amazing people. Many of them would talk about my amazing testimony.... and I began to notice how when they talked about it, it was often about how I had been saved not just from a sinful lifestyle but from a dead religion.
From a religion that taught that I could be saved by works. From a religion that taught that I should worship idols. From a religion that taught that there is a man in a dress standing between me and my God.
I also began noticing that Britt would frequently mention Catholicism in his sermons in a very.....ugly....... light. Britt's passion for eschatology and end times scenarios played out (and still do ) in a beleif that the RCC had a big role to play in the damnation of the world. And thats major!
But britt knew a lot more about theology than I did, right? So I beleived him. He was teaching me. Then came Dave Hunt. And Jacob Prasch. And Jacob Reeve. and Derek Prince. And Charles Simpson. And Erik Krueger. and Michael Fletcher.... and eventually, all these pastors in my life all built this great web of theology in my brain that demonstrated that anyone stuck in the RCC, if ever they happend to BE saved, should get out right away!
But with this new opinion, I had to be able to back it up. After all, hundreds of Catholic family members and friends and people on myspace were demanding that I back up my opinion that Catholicism was a great evil. And so I began to study theology, and apologetics, which enabled me to "be ready with an answer from the Bible" (the FINAL authority) to respond to naysayers. In doing so, I distanced myself so far from teh RCC that I refused to enter a church or to take communion. In fact, it was the source of great frustration to my family.

Meanwhile, something really troubling happened to me. I made friends with Selah|Maggie in the R&P forum, and she was a mormon. A mormon who loved Jesus--- and worse yet, who demonstrated the fruits of the spirit! Gah! What a conundrum for my nondenominational mindset.... how could a mormon be saved???? WAS she saved??? I agnonized over this question. I asked all the great teachers I had come to know. She confused everyone this side of Calvinism and Arminianism.
And over time, I decided that she must be saved, but that she needed to leave the LDS church immediately. Just like some of the Catholics I knew were saved, but they had to get out. Staying meant endangering their souls by surrounding them with false information. She did.

My time returning to IV with Wayne was one of mostly disillusionment. I can't tell you how frustrated I got with both the church in IV and the church back here in NC. it seemed that everywhere I looked, Christians were trying to "reinvent the wheel." Developping new ways to worship, new things to focus on, new ideas about what the church was and wasn't. And in the midst of all this, I experienced a lot of disgust with how much evangelicals TALK and how little they ACT when compared, as a whole, with churches like the Catholic Church or the Mormon Church. This happened because I lived in lompoc, where I saw what Catholic Charities were doing every day for the poor.
When I came back to NC, my pastor started this campaign called "Revolutionary Love." In it, he provided everyone with these cards that had the gospel on them. You were supposed to hand them out as you did a good deed, and then you could blog about it on the church website. It was horrible to read--- my initial excitement over the campaign faded fast as I realized how to so many evangelicals the actual act of "giving someone the tract" was the act of love they were doing. Bleh.
At the same time, God hit me with some pretty serious disgust over what many large Christian churches were doing with money-- wasting it. They were practicing elitism. Wayne and I were always confused about authority (and rightfully so, because there is no REAL authority in protestantism... if you don't like your church, you can always start a new one, right?) and unsure of what to do. We were frustrated about how little we saw acts of true charity and acts of true love going on in the Body.
Right then, I re-discovered (totally by accident) what some of my family members had been doing for the last fifty years---and what other Catholic organizations were doing. Specifically the Little Sisters of Jesus and the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal.

And all of a sudden it was like a light bulb went off in my head.
These guys






looked and acted and sounded more like Jesus than this guy:



These women





looked and acted more like Jesus than this woman:



And it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I want to live an authentic life for Christ, in all the richness of what He has for us here... and I don't have to find a family integrated church or a relational church or an emergent church or a liturgical church or a mega church or a mission or a home church or a ministry to do that--- God had already provide all of these things in a totally authentic form in the structure of the Roman Catholic Church. I had gone as far as I could from home as a pilgrim, and I realized that home was what I had been running from all this time---- where Jesus lives on earth, in the Body Of Christ-- the visible church on earth.

Of course, I had to examine all the teachings of the church one by one to make sure that I was on target and that they lined up with scripture and that I wasn't just following my emotions back to the church. I did, by reading the Catechism of the Catholic Church ( a compendium of it's teachings) and comparing it to scripture. In it's pages I found a theology more vast and intricate than any theology i had ever studied as a protestant--- it really was like meat vs milk to me.
Once I discovered that the Bible really does teach the REAL presence of Christ in the Eucharist (at communion,) I didn't want to ever take communion any where else.
And that's how I got here.
More in love with Jesus today than I've ever been before. And for the first time in my adult life, I dont feel like I'm in a fog about God. I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be, finally able to stop constantly seeking for the right answer.
Home.

I love you, and I hope that explains it better than I did on the phone. Call me soon. I miss talking to you!

Love
Barbie

Mormonism and Catholicism

I'm doing a comparitive charting of mormonism and Catholicism in this blog. And no, for those of you who are probably wondering, I'm NOT doing this for Selah, who is on a personal journey that has been a source of both wonder and amazement in my life, and to whom I wish the very best and trust that God is always working in her, but I AM doing this for myself and for many of my friends who I keep having conversations with who ask me over and over again the same two questions:
"If you really believe that Catholicism is biblical, then why don't you believe that Mormonism biblical?" and "Since they are so similar, maybe they are both basically the same thing?"

I realize, of course, that writing this blog sets up two systems of believe to diametrically oppose each other, so my purpose, just to be clear, is not to denigrate mormons but to clarify the main doctrinal differences.

First, I would like to establish the need for the question: "What is the true church?" Of course, you have all heard the scriptures about unity, and I dont need to reiterate them here. Protestants are not "looking" for the true church because they know that the church is everyone who believes that Jesus Christ is Lord. The reason that a protestant person might have to "look" for a "true church" established by Jesus Christ is to say this: If before the Bible existed as a unified document, there were believers, then where were they getting their information from? The question of the "True" Church brings us back to authority.

AUTHORITY
In protestantism, if one does not "agree" with the authority over them, they are free to leave and begin a new group or association with whatever doctrinal beliefs and practices they choose, set up a new system of "authority," and go on their merry way. But for 1500 years after Jesus Christ walked the earth, that's not what happened. Christians who wanted to "go a new direction with God" were tried and tested by the authorities over them and either shut down as heretics who would ultimately lead souls to damnation, OR eventually set free to explore this new avenue of spirituality WITHIN the structure of authority already placed above them.
I think, for example, of St Francis, whom God called to reform the church. He came before the pope the first time and was rejected in his request to create his group of friars. Heartbroken, he left wondering what to do. He again turned to God. God told him to persist, and he succeeded, the second time around, in maintaining his "stature" as a member of the only Christian church on earth ALL THE WHILE Living out his faith in a new way.. .and THAT is true submission to authority. It's a key concept that very few "branches" of Christianity/ Christ based faith groups get. I would venture to say that only Catholics, Mormons, and possibly Jehova's Witnesses get that. And because of the latter two, it makes protestants VERY uncomfortable. In Christian bookstores, as I mentioned, you will find books about Catholics in the section on "Cults." But the problem is, if you understand the concept of biblical authority, it would be VERY hard to NOT wonder "Where is the true church?"

COMPARISON OF BELEIFS

The most important things which differ between mormonism and catholicism are not the rites/rituals/sacraments/avenues of grace, but the fundamental doctrine. I should add here that I'm not an expert, so I will probably be corrected.

While the LDS Church teaches that the "godhead" is not a "trinity," for instance, the Catholic understanding of God is entirely based on the doctrine of the trinity.
The LDS church teaches the pre-existence, the Catholic church does not.
the LDS Church teaches that "original sin" in the Catholic understanding of it does not exist--- sort of. Original sin stained us by CAUSING us to eventually sin, but not by making us BORN SINNERS. (this is my understanding of the doctrinal teaching on the matter) Catholicism teaches that our grievous sins and offenses to the Lord begin at birth because of our fallen nature.
The baptism of a believer in Catholicism is a sacrament that washes away our original sin. We maintain purity from sin through absolution, in the sacrament of confession and through true repentance and contrition. the Baptism of a latter day saint ensures that their "after death" experience will be one of mercy... entrance into one of three kingdoms depending on their works.
Baptism, thus, occurs for the dead who are unbaptized in the LDS Church as well.
After death, baptized latter day saints will go to one of three kingdoms and experience varying "Degrees" of heaven and closeness with God the Father.
After death, Baptized Catholics will undergo whatever purification they did not undergo while on earth necessary to place them in the presence of God.
While in life, Mormons work hard to please God by living a "good" life, honoring God, and honoring the sacraments which they receive and the covenants which they make in the temple.
While in life, Catholics work hard to please God by living a "good" life, honoring God, and honoring the sacraments which they receive which are avenues of God's grace in their life.
There are many other differences, but these are the main ones.

SIMILARITIES IN RITES
I once read a post from a BYU document comparing catholic ordinances to mormon ones. Though the link is now broken, much of the information is still fresh in my mind. Because i'm short of time this morning, I will cover only ONE of the ordinances in this blog--- the initiation.

I'm going to quote from this blog, actually, which will make it even easier to explain:

At the rite of initiation, this prayer is said as the priest makes the sign of the cross on the different areas of the person's body:

THE SIGNING OF THE SENSES
The presider addresses the candidates saying…….

“I mark your forehead with the sign of the cross [all signs of the cross being done with the palm and not the thumb]. It is the sign of Christians. Let it remind you always of Christ and how much he loves you.”

At each of these prayers, the sponsors make the sign of the cross of the areas of the bodies mentioned.

“We stand with you, we pray for you, O holy child of God

I mark your ears with the sign of the cross: hear the words of Christ.

I mark your eyes with the sign of the cross: see the works of Christ.

I mark your lips with the sign of the cross: speak as Christ would speak.

I mark the sign of the cross over your heart: make your heart the home of Christ

I mark your shoulders with the sign of the cross; be strong with the strength of Christ.

I mark your hands with the sign of the cross: touch others with the gentleness of Christ.

I mark your feet with the sign of the cross: walk in the way of Christ”

The presider alone traces the sign of the cross over the whole person of each candidate saying…

“I place you entirely under the sign of Christ’s cross. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit: to live with Jesus now and forever.”

The person was then given a wodden cross, symbolizing their union with Christ at the cross.

The blogger goes on to say how this reminds her of her own experience at the temple:

INITIATORY ORDINANCES
(PRELIMINARY TO THE ENDOWMENT)

After showing his [or her] Temple Recommend to a worker stationed near the entrance inside the building, the patron repairs to the men’s [or women's] dressing area, where he is assigned a private locker (dividers and a door ensure privacy). After disrobing he covers himself with a “Shield”—a white poncho-like linen covering with a hole in the top for his head and open sides (held shut while walking). Covered in the Shield [a person is completely naked underneath the shield], he carries one pair of Temple Garments (one-piece style [basically like a one-piece t-shirt boxer short combination with a zipper up the front]) to the Washing and Anointing area, and waits on a bench until directed by a temple worker to enter one of the Washing and Anointing booths through a veiled partition. The booths are simply small cubicles made up of suspended lined veils.

When called for, the initiate enters the booth and hands his Garments to a worker who places them on a towel rod. As the initiate stands upright in his Shield the temple worker wets his fingers under a small faucet of running water in the booth, and lightly touches each area of the initiate’s body through the open sides of the Shield. [NOTE: While this sounds naughty, in my experience nothing unseemly or inappropriate happened during the ceremony. Also, the temple ceremony has changed this policy this past year, but when I went through the temple in 1997, this is how it was done.]

WASHING

Brother _______, having authority, I wash you preparatory to you receiving your anointings [for and in behalf of _______ (patron and then temple worker read name of deceased), who is dead], that you may become clean from the blood and sins of this generation. I wash your head, that your brain and your intellect may be clear and active; your ears, that you may hear the word of the Lord; your eyes, that you may see clearly and discern between truth and error; your nose, that you may smell; your lips, that you may never speak guile; your neck, that it may bear up your head properly; your shoulders, that they may bear the burdens that shall be placed thereon; your back, that there may be marrow in the bones and in the spine; your breast, that it may be the receptacle of pure and virtuous principles; your vitals and bowels, that they may be healthy and strong and perform their proper functions; your arms and hands, that they may be strong and wield the sword of justice in defense of truth and virtue; your loins, that you may be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth, that you might have joy and rejoicing in your posterity; your legs and feet, that you might run and not be weary, and walk and not faint.

(Females undergo a similar ritual, attended to by females, which includes the following, “Sister _______, having authority, I wash you preparatory to your receiving your anointings [for and in behalf of _______, who is dead], and whereas you have obeyed the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ with a true and honest heart, and have been faithful in keeping your covenants, your sins are forgiven and you are clean every whit. I wash your head that your brain and your intellect may be clear and active in discerning between truth and error, and that you may be filled with the spirit of the Lord…” etc.)

After the cleansing with water, a similar prayer is said, but with the annointing of oil, and then the temple patron is presented with the garments and their “new name”. (I remember getting terribly excited because I was “clean every whit” - I had essentially gone through an ordinance that cleared all of my sins, just like baptism!) The church doesn’t speak of these things outside of the Temple walls, so the whole thing was a surprise to me.
(by the way, also from her blog, the reason why she felt it was ok for her vow to NOT reveal the ordinance could be broken is from the Catholic Catechism: "Can. 1194 A vow ceases by lapse of the time specified for the fulfillment of the obligation, or by a substantial change in the matter promised, or by cessation of a condition upon which the vow depended or of the purpose of the vow, or by dispensation, or by commutation.")


As we can see, there are many, many similarities between the two churches "living out" of their faith, even if the foundational doctrines are dissimilar.

Now, the hard part. I wrote yesterday of a tract approved by the Holy See which informed Catholics in their dealings with mormons. It explained the theological differences, and then recommended that Catholics persist in interfaith dialogue and asked that Catholics remember to always demonstrate kindness, gentleness, hospitality, etc to mormons, from whom they could also learn much about kindness, generosity, etc etc. This warmed my heart.

I will cover now mormon teachings on the Roman Catholic Church.

MORMON VIEW OF CATHOLICISM

I'll start with a few choice quotes I found:

The mormon scripture Doctrine and Covenants essentially condemns all other churches, particularly the "great and abominable church."

D&C 1:30-31
"And also those to whom these commandments were given, might have power to lay the foundation of this church, and to bring it forth out of obscurity and out of darkness, the only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth, with which I, the Lord, am well pleased, speaking unto the church collectively and not individually— For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance;"

D&C 38:10-11:
"Verily I say unto you, ye are clean, but not all; and there is none else with whom I am well pleased; For all flesh is corrupted before me; and the powers of darkness prevail upon the earth, among the children of men, in the presence of all the hosts of heaven—"

D&C 29:21:
"And the great and abominable church, which is the whore of all the earth, shall be cast down by devouring fire, according as it is spoken by the mouth of Ezekiel the prophet, who spoke of these things, which have not come to pass but surely must, as I live, for abominations shall not reign."

D&C 88:94:
"And another angel shall sound his trump, saying: That great church, the mother of abominations, that made all nations drink of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, that persecuteth the saints of God, that shed their blood—she who sitteth upon many waters, and upon the islands of the sea—behold, she is the tares of the earth; she is bound in bundles; her bands are made strong, no man can loose them; therefore, she is ready to be burned. And he shall sound his trump both long and loud, and all nations shall hear it."

Now, one would not conclude from this that the reference is to the RCC, until we see some of the quotes from Mormon theologians and prophets with regarsd to the RCC.

"The present Christian world exists and continues by division. The MYSTERY of Babylon the great, is mother of harlots and abominations of the earth, and it needs no prophetic vision, to unravel such mysteries. The old church is the mother, and the protestants are the lewd daughters. Alas! alas! what doctrine, what principle, or what scheme, in all, what prayers, what devotion, or what faith, `since the fathers have fallen asleep,' has opened the heavens; has brought men into the presence of God; and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and to an innumerable company of angels? The answer is, not any: `There is none in all christendom that doeth good; no, not one.'
- Apostle John Taylor, Times and Seasons, Vol.6, No.1, p.811

"Babylon, literally understood, is the gay world; spiritual wickedness, the golden city, and the glory of the world, The priests of Egypt, who received a portion gratis from Pharaoh; the priests of Baal, and the Pharisees, and Sadducees, with their "long robes," among the Jews, are equally included in their mother's family, with the Roman Catholics, Protestants, and all that have not had the keys of the kingdom and power thereof, according to the ordinances of God."
- Prophet John Taylor, Times and Seasons, Vol.6, No.1, p.939

"Both Catholics and Protestants are nothing less than the "whore of Babylon" whom the Lord denounces... as having corrupted all the earth by their fornications and wickedness. And any person who shall be so wicked as to receive a holy ordinance of the gospel from the ministers of any of these apostate churches will be sent down to hell with them, unless they repent of the unholy and impious act. If any penitent believer desires to obtain forgiveness of sins through baptism, let him beware of having any thing to do with the churches of apostate Christendom, lest he perish in the awful plagues and judgments, denounced against them. The only persons among all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people who have authority from Jesus Christ to administer any gospel ordinance are those called and authorized among the Latter-day Saints. Before the restoration of the church of Christ to the earth in the year 1830, there have been no people on the earth for many generations possessing authority from God to minister gospel ordinances. We again repeat. Beware of the hypocritical false teachers and imposters of Babylon!
- Apostle Orson Pratt The Seer, Vol.2, No.4, p.255

"A great portion of the oriental country has been preserved from the grossest idolatry, wickedness, confusion, bloodshed, murders, cruelty, and errors in religion that have overspread the rest of the world, under the name of Christianity, or mystery of iniquity. An open defiance of God is no mystery; open drunkenness, and revelling debauchery, and all manner of wickedness and immorality professed by sinners who profess to be nothing else, are no mystery; they do not deceive anybody; but when all manner of wickedness, idolatry, drunkenness, and corruption is cloaked under a sacred name, under an outward sanctity and holiness, and under as high and dignified an appellation as Christian, it is a mystery of iniquity; and that has overspread a great portion of the world, and has borne rule until the present day, sometimes under the name of Roman universality, sometimes under the name of the Greek Church, and at other times under various classes and names."

"Many that were honest have been deceived by this mystery of iniquity, who have esteemed things to be sacred, which were abominably corrupt; and corrupt superstitions have been revered because of the great names and sanctified professions that were attached to them. If such institutions actually professed wickedness, they would go for what they were worth; but when a thing professes to be holy, and takes the name of Christ as its founder, and the holy Prophets and Apostles, to carry out all manner of oppression, all manner of idolatry and idol worship, all manner of priestcraft and kingcraft, and more or less instigating division among nations and governments, all to carry out bloodshed, cruelty, the rack, the inquisition, and holding of men in bondage, ruling them with a red of iron, it is a mystery of iniquity calculated to deceive millions."

"But returning to the general corruption that has prevailed nationally, politically, and religiously, under the name of Christianity, leaving out Christ and his Apostles, I do think there has been no idolatry in the world, under any form or system, that could surpass it. It is the mystery of iniquity, the great whore of all the earth. It has brought the whole earth under a lasting curse, having departed from the laws of God, changed the ordinances, and broken the everlasting covenant, in consequence of which the earth is destined to be burned, and few men left."
- Apostle Parley P. Pratt, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 3, p.41

"How long has this order of things existed, this dreadful apostacy, this class of people that pronounced themselves Zion, or Christians, without any of the characteristics of Zion? It has existed for some sixteen or seventeen centuries. It has spread itself and grown and gone into the four quarters of the earth. It is the great ecclesiastical power that is spoken of by the revelator John, and called by him the most corrupt and most wicked of all the powers of the earth, under the name of spiritual Babylon, or in other words Babel, which signifies confusion. This great and corrupt power is also represented by John as presenting a golden cup to the nations, full of all manner of filthiness and abominations."

"She is termed, in other places, by the same prophet, "The whore of all the earth," making the nations drink of the wine of the wrath of her fornication. Some three centuries ago there came out sortie excellent men, named Martin Lather, John Calvin and many others that might be mentioned, who protested against the wickedness and abominations of the Church wherein they had been educated, and of which they had been members. Because of their protestations against the mother Church they were called Protestants. They pronounced her the whore of all the earth; they declared that she had no authority, that she had none of the blessings and gifts which characterized the ancient Christians. They came out and established other Churches... But among all these Churches where are the characteristics of Zion? We hunt for them in vain."
- Apostle Orson Pratt, Journal of Discourses Vol. 14, p.346

"Thrones shall be cast down, and the Ancient of Days shall sit, and the body of the fourth beast (or Babylon) shall be given to the devouring flame, and then shall the remnant of the heathen know that the Lord is God, for they shall see and hear of his judgments, which he shall execute upon the corrupt powers of the earth under the name of modern Christianity, scripturally called "Babylon the Great"—"The whore of all the earth," with whom the nations for centuries have committed fornication, and have drank out of her filthy cup. O Babylon! thou hast decked thyself with costly ornaments! Thou has clothed thyself with the most gaudy apparel! Thy seminaries of learning, and thy theological institutions have been multiplied far and wide. Thy priests are polished with all the refinements of a profound and extensive education. Thy costly and magnificent churches have been erected in great numbers throughout all thy borders. The merchants of the earth have made themselves rich through the abundance of thy luxuries. The learned—the great—the mighty—the kings of the earth, have glorified themselves in thy grand and superb palaces. Thou hast indeed enrobed thyself in the royal splendors of a queen. Thine external appearance has excited the admiration of all nations. But internally thou art rotten with the filth of thy whoredoms."
- Apostle Orson Pratt, The Essential Orson Pratt, p.109

"The Roman Catholic, Greek, and Protestant church is the great corrupt ecclesiastic power, represented by great Babylon which has made all nations drunk with her wickedness, and she must fall, after she has been warned with the sound of the everlasting gospel. Her overthrow will be by a series of the most terrible judgments which will quickly succeed each other, and sweep over the nations where she has her dominion, and at last she will be utterly burned by fire, for thus hath the Lord spoken. Great, and fearful, and most terrible judgments are decreed upon these corrupt powers, the nations of modern Christendom; for strong is the Lord God who shall execute His fierce wrath upon them, and He will not cease until He has made a full end, and until their names be blotted out from under heaven."
- Apostle Orson Pratt, Divine Authenticity of the Book of Mormon, p.84 - p.85


(I've got more if that isn't clear enough)

The only "official" Catholic document that refers to Mormonism in particular is a document drawn up to explain a change in strategies with regards to baptism for Catholics. While Most "professing Christians" may enter the Catholic church without rebaptizing, Ex Mormons are now asked to be rebaptized into the faith. The reason?"

The Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith decided the Mormon view on the nature of God was too different from its own, according to Tuesday's editions of L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican's daily newspaper.

The doctrine agency said the church could not accept Mormon belief that "God the father had a wife, the Celestial Mother, with whom he procreated Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit." The body therefore decided that Mormon baptism "is not the baptism that Christ instituted."

Two major U.S. Protestant denominations, the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) and United Methodist Church, have taken similar stands on Mormon theology in recent years.

Catholicism and most other Christian denominations believe God is a divine entity consisting of three persons - the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit - of one spiritual substance.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches that God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are three separate entities, and that God and Jesus have bodies of flesh and bone while the Holy Ghost is spirit only. Church founder Joseph Smith taught that "God himself was once as we are now, and is an exalted man..."

(ASP, July 19 2001)

I am still looking for catholic commentary about Mormonism that is as "harsh" as mormon commentary on Catholicism. Not that that proves anything, but just because it's interesting.

Anyways, that's all I've got time for today.... but it's something to chew on! I sincerely hope I have offended no one, but helped those who are on a quest for truth to examine certain aspects of two entities who claim to have "all authority."

Just plain Christian: the good and the bad.

My “protestant” experience began at Santa Barbara’s First Baptist, a tiny little black church near my high school I went to once in a while with the girls in the BSU. I learned there to appreciate lively praise and worship.
Years later, while sitting in a pew in a Calvary Chapel on Christmas Eve, I had a heartstopping encounter with the Risen Jesus Christ and was changed forever. I took from Calvary Chapel and its’ daughter churches Reality (which I helped plant from the ground up) Churches an understanding of God’s love reaching beyond the boundaries of formality and “distance” and really gripping us in a personal way. I learned that one could be zealous for the things of God and not be wrong— that a hunger for holiness is a good thing. I also learned that being a Christian meant that I had to let go of sin. Really let go of it…. .ideally. But that sometimes I could hide it and nobody would know it was there. Later on that first year, I learned that when I DID hide it, GOD was still aware of it, even if no one else was. I learned true contrition.
The negative things I learned in those first few years was that suddenly I was in the BUSINESS of saving souls and that everyone else’s soul suddenly became my business. I also learned that politics existed within the Body of Christ.
The next place I was a member was a nondenominational chapel at Ft Jackson led by a Chaplain. I learned there that PEOPLE can use God’s Word to say whatever they want to say sometimes. I also learned that sometimes God isn’t about feeding you but about using you to feed others. And that sometimes, God just IS silent… and its not because you’re doing something wrong.
After that, I went to a Pentacostal church. Some good things I gleaned from there were enthusiastic, vibrant worship— putting some “feeling” into my relationship wiht God, waiting in joyful expectation for God to do “something” big, and learning how to put my faith into action and not just keeping it in my head and heart. I also learned that the Word of God comes alive in you as a believer, and you don’t have to be in an “outstanding” church to have that happen…. your church can be full of of denominational , doctrinal BS and you can still come out growing and learning. On the negative side, I learned that people are finicky, Christians don’t always act like Christians, and that ALL people, when on a “Jesus High” have a tendency towards pride and self righteousness which can get ugly if unchecked.
Lastly, I was a member at Manna Church, where I learned that there can be an order to extravagant worship, that ministry isn’t about the PASTOR but about the PEOPLE, that we are all called to BE Jesus to people. I learned that I had a vocation as a wife and mother, that God cared about me doing that well. I learned the REAL power of intercessory prayer, and I discovered what Grace really was and what it wasn’t. Most importantly, I was able to grasp what spiritual warfare really looked like and how to win the battles. It was at manna that I best learned the “how to walk by faith and not by sight” lesson.
On the downside, I learned that elitism exists within the Christian community sometimes more so than anywhere else. I learned that people want to be pleased even in their worship. I learned that church can be a business but it doesn’t have to be a multi billion dolllar corporation. I learned that the words “executive” and “humble” don’t mesh. I learned that money ALWAYS corrupts unless the persons handling it truly have the purest of motives. I learned that real Christian service means having to get your hands dirty. Most importantly, I learned there that no one I had yet encountered really knew anything about true authority…. if they didn’t LIKE the authority they were under, they could always go and start a new church.

Overall, the most important lesson I learned from my experience in the protestant churches was this: Jesus is about the heart. That lesson is priceless— whether you are an outwardly pew jumping pentycostal or a sedate pew warming episcopalian, Jesus is after your HEART. :)

SO much to write about, so little time.
Wayne and I watched a Marcus Grodie (He's a former pentacostal pastor turned Catholic evangelist) video on the differences in protestant and catholic worship yesterday and learned soooo much!
I'm going to type up another blog about it in the near future because I need to watch it again and take notes first... its too much to relay from memory. I want to buy this DVD and send it to everyone I know!

Yesterday, Wayne took Annika for the morning and I went to morning mass with Ishod. It has been in the triple digits all week and very humid, and even with the air conditioner on we were sweltering hot.
My sister in law came to daily mass for the first time. Its hard for her to appreciate alot of it because she is so pregnant, but this pregnancy has caused her to grow in her faith so much! She humbles me every day with new insight and its' beautiful to watch God working in her and her spiritual wheels turning! I am thankful for her and glad we decided to remain in the area for a while longer to stay close to her in case Sean goes to the field and she needs something or whatever.

Afterwards, she and I went to brunch at another woman from church's house. She's awesome, has four kids, is pregs with their fifth, and is a homeschooling, food from scratch makin' momma. I was worried I wouldn't meet alot of these women in the Catholic environment but I can't tell you how cool it was to enter her house and see posters on the walls to teach the kids all sorts of things, a rack by the front of the living room where each kid's rosary was hanging, art books about Jesus and the Blessed Mother, and just a general, crunchy homeschooly-type environment with a Catholic twist. It was AWESOME for me to see that.
After brunch, Jess and I drove all over town checking out farmers markets and stuff, and then she dropped me off just in time to take a shower before Andrea came to pick me up to take me to Raleigh. We were heading to a women's discernment group in the dioscese vocations office.The group initially began meeting as a group of women who were intending to discern their vocations to married vs religious life. But in the end, they discovered God's will for the group was instead to form the "Society of St Therese," and to devote themselves to prayer for the seminarians and to prayer for vocations! Hehe... God is funny like that. Anyways, it seemed only appropriate, since I'm discerning a vocation to the Third Order Carmelites anyways, that I would attend this group meeting-- and I"m SOOOO glad I did!
Andrea and I drove down early so we could go to In His Name, the Raleigh Catholic bookstore, which was SOOO cool! I'd never been to a Catholic bookstore before. It was very interesting and I think telling of the vast differences in the Catholic and protestant theoloies.

Every Christian bookstore I've been to had a layout that looked kinda like this:
Bibles. Bible studies. Prayer and Devotional books. Church History. Cults. Leadership.
And then the majority of shelves devoted to "Christian inspiration" in various categories like "women's issues," "parenting" "youth" "mens' issues" "marriage" etc.

This Catholic bookstore had one TINY section dedicated to marriage, celibacy, parenting, NFP etc. A large children's education section. A large youth education section. A huge bible selection. A huge prayerbooks selection. A huge selection of books on church history. A huge selection of books on the lives of the saints. Missals, books on worship. And then, of course, a wonderful selection of sacramentals (everything from statues, rosaries, art, crucifixes, and chapel veils and scapulars.) I discerned none of the "fluff" that I'm used to seeing in Christian bookstores--- no "Christian self help" section. It was so encouraging to me!

Thats when I saw it-- a stand in the corner with tracts! I sighed, wondering what I was going to come into contact with that would "bristle" my feathers. My heart sank when I saw one called "What do Catholics need to know about Mormons?" I pulled it out, ready to be assaulted with the usual "Mormons are an evil cult you should stay away from" critique (I should explain that while I dont disagree that mormonism is false worship, I don't think the way to bring that to people is through these highly charged nasty little tracts, but rather through a demonstration of TRUE worship and actions that represent Christ's love)
Anyways, I stood there for a full ten minutes, reading this little tract. It started out by explaining in a textbook "world religions" kind of a way what Mormons believe. (mormonism 101, and I was surprised to find it was taken DIRECTLY from the LDS.org website.) The last page said: what should Catholics conclude about mormons?
Tears welled up in my eyes as it described that Catholics had much to learn from the mormon example of service and generosity towards others. "Catholics should be aware that mormon doctrine is not in line with the Church's teachings and should therefore be examined in light of the Church's teachings in both tradition and scripture. Much progress has been made lately in interfaith dialogue. However, as Catholics we must look to mormons as men and women who can also benefit greatly from our service, kindness, and compassion."
I was crying like a little baby... what a refreshing change from the ornery little "mormons are evil and dangerous" tracts I was used to seeing... I immediately called my friend Selah to share what a touching moment I had just experienced, confident that she would understand my joy.

Anyways, afterwards we went to Panera's for dinner and pulled into the Cathedral parking lot at about 6:50. We met up there with Father Ned, the vocations pastor, who surprised us by informing us that the holy hour would be in the cathedral-- yay!
For those who don't know, Holy hour is:



The priest removes the host from the tabernacle, places it in a monstrance:



and then places it on the altar for all to adore and worship. There is a small prayer service that is chanted before and after (if you're lucky, in latin) and then the entire hour is spent on your knees in silent prayer and adoration. Some people just sit (one man there said "I look at Him, He looks at me.") Some people pray rosaries, read the bible or prayerbooks, etc. Others just pour out their hearts. Still others meditate and wait.

I have never stayed on my knees for over an hour before. It was excruciatingly painful by the end of the hour, and I was in a pew so at least I could rest my arms on something. Fr Ned simply kneeled by himself off to the side of the altar with nothing to hold on to, and he is at least twice as old as me.
It dawned on me that this was a sacrifice of praise. It dawned on me that I had never sacrificed anything like this before--- Iv'e maintained raised arms for ten minutes before, but never for a whole hour in worship (I did in basic training, but I didn't have very holy thoughts about it then :P) as you'll see in the picture above, where a group of homeschoolers are having a holy hour, it IS possible to do , even with children!
It also dawned on me that this was pure joy-- to sit quietly in the presence of my Lord and be still and wait for Him to speak to me. Everything about the experience was so beautiful--- the space, the incense , the candles, the statues, the beautiful building, the crucifix showing me what Jesus did for me, at the foot of which was an altar with a monstrance showing me what Jesus does for me still daily!
I was so moved I just started bawling!! Fortunately, I wasn't alone. I wish I could bring everyone in the world with me to a Holy Hour. And I'm so excited that I have another one on Sunday with the Carmelites!
Because it was a women's vocations holy hour, it was all young women, my age-- which made the chant that much more beautiful (fortunately, Fr Ned is an excellent singer also!) and powerful... and very appropriate for some of those women discerning their vocations, I imagine.


Directly afterwards , we walked down the block to the vocations office where we had snacks and prayed the liturgy of the hours, followed by a discussion on the subject at hand-- hope and joy. I should take a moment to describe the scene of a group of beautiful, modest young women following a priest walking out of church. It turned more than a few heads , I noticed, and rightfully so since we don't always see such a pious image in todays' society. we walked out into the stifling summer heat and I realized for the first time how BEAUTIFUL Raleigh is! I've always thought it was just this blah north cakolaki city, but in that moment I realized how.... well, how civilized it was (for lack of a better word) and how nice it felt. Immediately, all my apprehension about possibly having to take a job in Raleigh evaporated.


Anyways, the discussion was amazing. At one point, Father began to describe how his understanding of joy came from realizing how often he just "did his duty" as a priest but didn't do it OUT of joy and didn't derive joy from it, only a sense of duty. (sound familiar? That IS me in my own daily routine) He had to ask himself where his joy came from, which is what I had to do last week when I was panicking about marrying Wayne--- where does my joy come from?
MY joy is in the name of the Lord--- immanuel, which means God is with us. My joy comes from the incarnation. So imagine my surprise when Father began speaking on his own realization of that-- -I wanted to jump up and shout to heaven: "OK, I GET IT! I am LISTTEEENNNNNNINGGGG!" :)

What a glorious God we serve!

Morning thoughts on friendship

As the day begins I like to examine what's going on in my life. My two most quiet moments are at five when I get up to pray and at 7 when I put the kids down to sleep. Both are amazing--- my head is suddenly cleared of "stuff" and I experience absolutely blissful peace for a few blessed moments.

Because of my exploration of the Carmelite order, I've begun a heavy study of Carmelite books and topics. Yesterday came a few books I found online for around 99 cents, written by Carmelites about prayer and meditation. I began St Teresa of Avila's autobiography last night--- I'm only about 1/4 of the way into it and it's absolutely breathtaking. Tonight I will probably start over from the beginning because there is so much to chew on. My mother reminded me last night that there are several Carmelite aunts in the family. I'm looking forward to coming back into contact with them.

Wayne and I prayed a rosary together last night. Our prayer life together has deepened immensely. Praying the rosary with him turns us back into little children. It's different from our prayer lives as protestants, when he would lead and I would quietly listen and wait for a moment to participate. Now we both get on our knees side by side. We both come to the cross like little children, looking up to our Jesus in wonder and amazement. He is finding new ways of expressing his faith that were previously shut off to him. As I often mention, he is known for doing things like taking a vow not to cut his beard for a year, or going barefoot for the day, etc. Before, this made him eccentric and wierd. Now, it makes him following in the footsteps of holy men that have gone before him. He had never heard of St Francis before, and yet something of Franciscan spirituality lives in him. I have always seen it.
We sometimes pray the psalms together, or just sit in silence. It's been so good to come as equals before the cross... and not to be forced to play "grown up." It's what I was longing for when I wanted to leave the nondenominational scene--- the chance to just sit in wonder instead of to have all the answers. To sit quietly in a pew and not know every intimate detail of the people's lives sitting next to me. To connect on a personal level with God, corporately. Not that we couldn't do that there, but we felt stifled. We are experiencing freedom.


Something wierd is happening. My dear friend who left the LDS church after much coaxing and prayer on my part is now contemplating returning to such a worship setting. It's been on my mind constantly. I feel guilty for putting her through so much stuff. At the same time, I find connecting with her spiritually both exhilerating and encouraging-- she's my favorite person in the whole world.
She left the LDS church because , in the end, she believed it wasn't biblical. She started attending an emergent / modern church with charismatic overtones. She began to grow and be stretched but things were always hard for her--- and why? I used the example, when talking her through those moments, of the Catholic faith.
I told her how much I longed to worship in a Catholic setting, but how I simply could not because of the "unbiblical" factor. I sympathized. I agreed. I cried with her. I prayed for her. I knew only too well what she was going through.
She was the hardest person to tell that I was returning to the Catholic Church. Of course, I wasn't returning out of "desire." Had I been (and my husband been) one hundred percent certain that Catholicism was unbiblical, we would never have returned. But because we felt it was MORE biblical (looked more like a new testament church) than any other church on earth, we had to say "yes." We couldn't ignore what God was doing in us.
I am sure I was the hardest person for her to tell about her desire to return to the Mormon Church. And I can understand why.

I get those cravings for familiarity, structure, tradition. I understand the desire for a "unified" church in the sense we are used to. Both the Latter Day Saint Church and the Catholic Church are the two best organized structures in the entire world. They are fully functioning powerhouses of faith and social justice, authoritarian yet organic, unified, yet diverse. They have and use their assets to bring peace and justice to the world and glory to the Lord God in heaven. Their members are trained and encouraged to be instruments of charity to their communities. Their leaders are humble, focused on the important things, servants.
When I left the Catholic Church, I remember wishing that the Latter Day Saint church would be "true" so that I could go from one to the other seamlessly. While I loved the charismatic nature of nondenominational churches, I was often frustrated with the vagueness of foundational concepts like service, discipline, etc. It always felt very... every man for himself. I struggled to "hear God's voice" all the time for the little things. Like how I should pray, when I should pray, what I should pray. Like what modesty looked like, what a wife looked like, what a mother looked like. I struggled to hear how God would have me serve people, what he was calling me to do in my daily life. How I could be holy. Following Jesus isn't simple. We need practical suggestions to show us how to do it. But instead of getting "holy" suggestions, I felt I was always being fed "worldly" suggestions in the guise of holy suggestions. Holiness is fasting barefoot. Practical is a sermon called "Seven ways to get promoted." Holiness is giving your last potato and onion to make a casserole for someone in need. Practical is "Maximizing your potential." Holiness is kneeling. Practical is a sermon on "How to use your faith: a winner's perspective."

Anyways, I was hungry, and forever being spoon fed "simple" answers that led ultimately to pride in my personal life--- I knew the answer to everything. But somehow it missed my heart, even though I thought my heart was most affected!

Her return to the LDS Church, should it happen, is really interesting. She owns that it's a "her" thing and not a God thing. While she was certain God was leading her OUT of the church, she believes she is leading herself back there. I can understand so much of what she is going through, her disillusionment with the "truth" of nondenominational Christianity, and her frustration at just wanting to live a simple life, and love Jesus, and be a servant, and be holy.She doesn't want to be put in a situation to judge other people. She just wants to love them. She wants to be the best wife and mom she can be, but she feels stifled under the weigfht of the extrabiblical "picture" of a wife and mom she has been fed for these last few years.
I know her heart-- I know these are the things she seeks after.
Trouble is, she needs to be in an environment where she can thrive. And her current place is not that. Nor would be another protestant church--- she would face the same problems. Like me, she has been forever changed by the face of unity under one banner, and it is a beautiful picture.

This leaves me in a problematic situation. I still feel very strongly that the LDS church is full of heretical doctrine. I believe the same things about the "false" aspect of the LDS church that i did two, ten , and fifteen years ago. I dont think the PEOPLE of the Latter Day Saint church are evil, or wrong, in any way. I think they are victims of false doctrine. I do fear for the salvation of their souls. Over the course of my time with her, I've really branched out and reached out to many latter day saints in my community and in my family. I've reallytried to connect with them and understand so as to evaluate with a more "pure" demeanor what they are going through as members. And though I still feel they are victims of Satan's plan to divide and conquer, I have to say that I LOVE most mormons I know.
I say I fear for their salvation, but that doesn't mean that I think they don't genuinely love Jesus--- which is a perplexing quandry for a protestant, who will wring her hands and pray for SALVATION. As a Catholic, I can look at them and simply pray for mercy. I dont have to evangelize them. I dont even have to tell them "how" to be saved. I can simply BE Jesus to them, just like I can to everyone else.

My church is fundamentally at odds with the LDS Church, because both claim to be "THE" Church. They cannot both be correct. My church accepts the baptisms of it's members in all Christian faith traditions but Mormon. Mormons are asked to be re-baptized, mostly because of the difference in doctrine revolving around "original sin" and the purpose of baptism. Thus, I will find myself, next year, once again theologically at odds with a girl who my heart and head connect with more than virtually any person I've come into contact with.

This thought weighed heavily on me last night. When she was a Mormon and I was a Christian, we still managed to meet somewhere and grow. We managed to fellowship on a profound level. I never expect that to change. It made people very uncomfortable, for "What fellowship has light with darkness?"
On the other hand, even AS a mormon, she demonstrated a deep relationship with the Jesus Christ of the Bible that few people I've encountered ever have had. She showed me true repentance, true contrition, true sorrow for her sins, a true desire for godliness and a true love of her Savior. I learned about the Love of God through her... and most of my friends thought she certainly was not "saved."

I thought about how, as a Catholic, I view the LDS Church now. It's like going to the coffee shop the other day for my monthly French Club meeting, where French people from all walks of life in the area gather. A French Canadian woman showed up. Certainly, we could communicate, well and better than the southerners sitting next to us. I thought about the people listening who might want to learn French.
I imagined some of them would go to Canada, because it's closer phsyically and culturally to what they are used to. Certainly, they could learn the language, learn the culture, and be a part of the French community. But it would never be the same as springing for a trip TO France. Nothing could beat learning the language and culture from the original source of the language and the original source of the culture. If I had to choose between the two, I would choose going to France, because I would be certain that everything I learned would be correct, authentic, and REALLY French.
Even French Canadians, who obviously LOVE their own culture and are proud of their homes and lifestyles.... still have a deep reverence for and a desire to draw closer to their own heritage... to their own FRENCHNESS.
In some ways, they have altered the language to suit their needs. They have set themselves at odds against real frenchness by doing so. And in doing so, they have become proud-- that their Frenchness is JUST as authentic and "real" as French frenchness. Except that it isnt.... there is only one real, true, and authentic Frenchness.

That is exactly how I see the LDS Church in light of my Catholicity now. I can understand the culture, the "language," the attraction. I can appreciate so much of it and really enjoy the fellowship. But I am SO glad to be Catholic, because I am so glad to have the stamp of "true" authority and "true" tradition according to the history of the Church and ultimately, to the gospel. I love being a part of the "original" deal, the unchanging truth, yet ever growing in my understanding of it. It's a source of great joy for me. I don't think I could be satisfied with something that evolved from it. I love to know that when I worship, I am doing what people have done since Jesus Christ Himself.

I look forward to learning more and more about this great God we all serve. I am looking forward to being a part of this girl's life as she grows in Him, as well as in my husband's life, my children's life, and my friends' and family's life. I am finally able to learn from people of all walks of life, in all places. I can see the face of Christ as much in my sister in law, who I always thought I couldn't learn anything from, as I can in my priest, as I can in my neighbor. I can see the face of Christ in the muslim family down the street, in the pagans who live around the corner, in the Evangelical woman who works on her garden every day, in the He is everywhere, teaching me.

a summer wedding (and pics!)

What a glorious day.

Sean and Jess came and got the kids so that we could prepare together. We entered the church, asking Sean and Jess to greet our guests at the door of the church (hospitality and what not for noncatholic family members who might otherwise get overwhelmed) and we went and spent a good fifteen minutes praying before the tabernacle.
I was really disappointed with the turnout-- it was us, our families, one army buddy and three Catholic friends we had recently met who we absolutely love. But in the end, that was exactly what we needed--- it was precisely the people that God wanted to be there. Perfect.
The ceremony itself was very simple but very beautiful. We chose not to have a communion service and not to do it during a mass because we wanted to represent union in Christ in every way, and not everyone would have been able to participate in the Eucharist.
Father was awesome about explaining to noncatholics what we were doing and why... how we read the Word of God first to prepare our hearts to receive the grace in teh sacrament, etc.
We exchanged vows, which was amazing, since we never did that in our vivil marriage. In every single way, it was as if we were coming into a true covenant as opposed to a legal, physical thing.
We were both very moved the whole time

We had a simple reception afterwards. Having focused on us and not so much on the party, we had the opposite experience of many married couples I know. So I decided to just order some pizzas, put them on pretty plates and be done with it.
Turned out to be a great idea.
Everyone had fun and after the last guests had gone and the kids were asleep, Sean, Jess, Wayne, and I sat down on our porch to enjoy the hot summer evening, the buzz of the cicadas and the smell of rain in the pines. It was the perfect end to the perfect day and made me appreciate so much what God is doing here in our lives.
We have a great house in the perfect part of town, family who love us and who we love, an amazing parish and wonderful friends..... who could ask for more?

Enjoy the pictures..... we wish you were there. :)


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

White table, red roses

It's evening now.
I've been praying the liturgy of the hours for several weeks. Tentatively at first, and now with much more confidence and enthusiasm... it's a little daunting if you are learning on your own.

For those who don't know, the LOH is a series of prayers which alternate over days, months, years and seasons which are prayed several times through out the day.
Morning, midmorning, midday, midafternoon, evening, night. It's another way of bringing your mundane life into the sacred space of the church--- I participate in the LOH from my home, quietly. Down the street, our parish priests are reciting it at the rectory. Hundreds of miles away, in the Austin Texas Hermitage, a group of Carmelite Hermits are doing the same. In upstate NY, the Franciscan Brothers and Sisters of the Renewal are chanting the LOH. But it doesn't stop there.
In Indiana, my dear friend is doing it in French with me. In France, my grandmother is doing it. In India, the Little Sisters of Jesus are praying. In Rome, the Holy Father is participating. In the Ivory Coast, in a small leper colony called Raffierkro, the local visiting priest is joining in. In China, underground Catholics are chanting prayer. When it's daytime here, It's nightime in Australia, where a community of dominican nuns are praying it.

We are all connected. We are all one. Our voices are rising constantly to God, praying His Word back to Him (the LOH consists of prayers and chants revolving around the Psalms) and worshipping Him with One voice. It must sound like Heaven to Heaven. It's absolutely breathtaking and I love it. And it's the best way to fulfill the scripture to "Pray without ceasing," because when we order our lives around prayer, prayer puts godly order in our lives.

It's through praying the LOH that I've come to realize that God is calling me to be a Saint... not just a saint with a lowercase s. It's through the LOH that I've realized that what happened this week-- where I nearly lost a husband I never even had, and where I had to face the fact that love means giving of yourself, sometimes more than you think you can bear.

We had a knock down blow out on Wednesday night--- mostly because he, after having spent three days in prayer, came home determined to love me better. And while God was blessing Him, Satan was doing the old "divide and conquer" trick on me, giving me a boatload of doubt peppered with a great deal of resentment and anger, all sitting on a mound of attachment to the world.

Wayne and I want to be holy. It is a wierd thing in this world to want to be holy-- it means that we will often get puzzled looks from people who realize that they have goals they think are normal, and that we will never have them. It's the reason we get to longing for a life like my brother and his wife's, where everything is planned and perfect and looking like a hallmark/lifetime special.
We don't have that. We have simplicity and detachment and contemplation and meditation and penance and hunger for more of God. We had these things before we knew what they were. We have them because God is doing something with us... we just don't know what. And if that means we have to look wierd, that's ok.
Wednesday night ended in a loving embrace, the tow of us like children before the Lord, crying, breathless, on our knees... asking God to make right what has been really wrong.

Thursday, we chose the readings for our wedding. We chose readings from tobit, hebrews, and the beatittudes.

Today, we went to mass to observe the solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I received communion for the first time on my knees. I wasn't going to do it, but at the last minute it was as if I felt angels pushing me down and I fell on my knees. Everything got really distant and time seemed to slow down, as if I was going to faint. I no longer heard a sound but the buzzing in my ears and my heart pounding, and I saw everything get really distant and blurred, except for the Host which Monsignor was holding above my head as He said: "The Body of Christ."
He waited a moment for me to respond with "Amen," (which means: "I believe!") and then I recieved Jesus. For the first time, I understood what Fr Tony experiences during mass.... a truly mystical experience, and one which I will never again be able to take lightly.

I actually have bruise, now, which makes me glad that my wedding dress is longer than knee length! It was crazy.

After mass, a dear friend took the kids and we went to work on our pre-marriage counseling session with Father, on his day off, no less! He's amazing.
During the talk, two things impressed me. First, he gave each of us time to share without allowing the other to interrupt. He was able to connect both of our issues (me: no communication, no help, no patience from Wayne. Wayne: too much emotion, not enough reason/logic, not enough faith because I get influenced by the world.) in a way that demonstrated how we had to work on those things in order to complement each other.
He then shared his own impressions with us and asked us to work on certain parts.
The first thing that stood out for me was that Father is intimately involved in our relationship in the same way WE are. Which is amazing. He was able to, WITH Wayne, look at me, and say that they as a team were trying to bring me to fullness in Christ. Then he was able to WITH me, look at Wayne and say that as a team, we were trying to bring him to fullness in Christ. I realized for the first time how the sacrament is OURS-- between myself and WAyne-- but it is an avenue of grace for everyone in the church who comes in contact with us. Wow. It put the sacred back in the concept of marriage.
Second, he rightly discerned something amazing. Protestant evangelicals, he said, have a tendency to overemphasize the "helpmeet" aspect of marriage. Catholics, on the other hand, have a tendency to overemphasize the mutual submission aspect.
The truth, he said, is to be found in the middle--- we are called to both mutual edification and to a structured authority relationship. Not one, or the other.
It was like someone slapped me in the face when he said that. Here we had been all this time working against our very natures to do what was obviously not helping in our marriage: Wayne needs to be reminded to love, to be gentle and thoughtful. I should not be afraid of holding him to that standard, because it is in that that he becomes the best husband he can be.
Vice versa, I am at my best as his helpmeet.
Ding. It's the other half of the puzzle which we had somehow misplaced... or rather set aside... believing that the strictly patriarchal relationship WAS the sacrament of marriage. Wow.
Father Tony is awesome.... or rather , the Holy Spirit, working today through Father is awesome.

We left renewed, uplifted, recommitted, and overjoyed. This week has been nuts, we came inches away from a separation, and now we are closer than we have ever been. Praise God!

Anyways, with all this focus on our internal preparation, I sadly did not have the time to prepare the feast of my wedding day dreams like I had originally intended.
Instead, tomorrow, our guests will dine on homemade cake, delivered pizzas cut into presentable squares, and large bowls of salad. But the important thing--- love-- will be present. Our wedding day will be ripe with meaning and far from shallow, which is what we should all want to celebrate anyways, right?

I've also come a long way this week into understanding the nature of a convalidation. Bringing our marriage into the church isn't just "renewing our vows." (although that's how I've been explaining it to concerned evangelical friends! Haha)

It's bringing our marriage to the foot of the Cross and taking Hold, together, of each side of the cross. I thought I was married before, but I wasn't. Tomorrow will be the first time I'm presented as a covenanted bride to my bridegroom. I'm so so so so so so so so excited!! Tomorrow, my whole life is going to change.

Please pray for us. Please join us in thought and prayer if you are unable to make it. Join us if you can!

Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us as we enter into a deeper union in your Son, Jesus.

reinventing the deep

To blog or not to blog, that is the question.

Haha. I'm forever writing blogs in my head. I dont keep much of a journal anymore, not only because I dont have the time but also because I think most of the important things get covered in here. I don't want to blog some things because they are personal. I want to blog others because I think that if I were reading someone 's blog and heard about one of these things happening to them, I would find myself learning and growing.
I blog more in times of distress, out of a cathartic need to share my suffering. I blog less when I am going through something intenseley private-- something that might hurt me or my family if others were to read about it and misunderstand our intentions, our emotions, our experiences.
This is one of those times.

A friend of mine who reads this blog told me she felt that I needed God's peace. Rest assured, God's peace has descended upon me. What I didn't expect was the level of commitment He would require of me. We say things like "God wants all of me," and "All for You, Lord," and we don't realize the length and breadth of the commitment we are making, we don't realize that to love and follow Jesus means to literally give up every single one of our "rights" to enjoy the "privilege" of serving Him in holiness.

Rights vs Privilege has been on my mind lately.
With regards to communion, for example. I've been struggling with a desire to receive communion on my knees. To a lot of people, this may seem like a no brainer. But to me, it's a big deal, and here's why. I've been covering my head during prayer for nearly fifteen years now. As a protestant, people think it's a little strange. I've been asked by a pastor, when my husband was a bit more "high profile" as a servant of the church, not to cover my head or at least not to be so ovbious about it. I cover my head with a veil, not a hat, and so to the world, it may seem a bit wierd. Nevertheless, I believe the Bible, and so I do it.
Returning to the RCC, one of my greatest joys was that I would be able to unabashedly cover my head during worship, and that people would GET IT. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case. Other than the two or three traditionalists in the congregation, who are absolutely overjoyed that a young woman would choose to cover, I have had more than just wierd looks and comments. Mostly from progressive catholics who think that the archaic custom of veiling should go the way of the dinosaur alongside kneeling after the agnus dei. And while I have no problem with them choosing NOT to do it, I do strongly reserve my right TO do it, particularly in light of St Paul's obvious exhortation in scripture. So, let's just say that being one of three people in a large church who goes up to receive communion veiled, people like to stare.
If I were to receive communion on my knees, I can only imagine what people might be thinking--- either that I'm strange, or (God forbid) that I'm trying to draw attention to myself. Neither of which are a good testimony to my sisters and brothers in Christ. And so day after day, I go up and receive standing up. Until a few weeks ago, when I noticed that my dear friend, who does NOT veil, DOES receive on her knees.
I asked my priest about it, and he looked at me with all seriousness in his eyes:
"If people REALLY BELIEVED, they would be crawling up to the altar on their knees. I think it's great. Absolutely."
So from now on, I'm going to give my Lord the respect He deserves by receiving on my knees.
Receiving a communion with God that is a PRIVILEGE and not a right, as many people would have you believe.
That's why it bothers those of us who DO believe so much to see people go up slumping, chewing gum, even rolling their eyes sometimes because their parents pushed them down the aisle.
Do you believe?

I'm in the process of discerning a vocation. Which sounds wierd, to a Catholic, because I'm married. It sounds wierd to a protestant because you don't know what a vocation is. So let me explain a little bit.
Religious Orders consist of priest and brothers, nuns (cloistered) and sisters, and lay persons who rally around the spirituality of a particular saint in service of the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic church. First Order are consecrated single men, Second are consecrated single women, and Third are consecrated single or married men or women.
The purpose of which is to live out your faith with like-minded individuals in a community setting dedicated to serving God and the church.
That's the one thing I really love about Catholicism. My priest often makes a cross with his arms when I ask him a question about whether I should or should not do something. It's to remind me that my responsibility to the church involves a horizontal aspect, serving people, as well as a vertical aspect, serving God. I can not do one without the other. In his (as well as my) opinion, much of what Pope Benedict is trying to resolve in his papacy has to do with people forgetting the vertical aspect and focusing solely on the horizontal, resulting in generations of glorified social workers, humanitarians, and the like defining the church, instead of Jesus Christ, the chief foundation and cornerstone.
From what we understand, married persons may belong to third orders, but within that there are some orders where married persons may belong to the community as well, living within the community and participating in the apostolate. Wayne is very interested, for example, in LIVING with other franciscan men.
Having children and being married, this makes it difficult for him ,although not impossible. I can definitely understand his desire to do this.
Our marriage is difficult and he has never really wanted to do anything with his life other than serve God and fellow man. His ending up a pastor, as was prophesied over him , would have meant that the kids and I would have had to deal with many of the same issues-- his being gone a lot, his ministry being the focal point of his life, his loving us taking a front seat but our requirement to sacrifice a lot for the good of all.
I am accustomed to caring for the kids alone, to meals alone, to days and nights alone. Sometimes he is gone because he is serving other people--- lately it's been hospital visits to the sick and dying, home visits and spending the night with homeless people. More often than not, he is gone to the steps of a church we like, praying in the Marian garden, sometimes for entire days at a time. He did this even when he was employed, spending entire days fasting barefoot and praying on the beach. He has a contemplative heart. That's where he got the name for our son.

I'm not dependant on his presence to feel his love for me or the kids, nor am I dependant on his help to survive-- it's safe to say that in many ways, up until now our marriage has been built on a mutual love but not a mutual submission.... however, that isn't to say we would ever call it quits.
We operate on a different level than most married persons we know.... mostly because Wayne strives to please God and I strive to please God through pleasing him. He is constantly challenging me to rely less on my emotions, to need less, to focus more of my heart and soul on service. And it is no picnic in the park.

The paradox of our relationship is that while what Wayne does is often construed as being selfish, it does serve the ultimate purpose of refining me and helping me to be the best person I can be. That being said, there is nothing more infuriating than having a husband who KNOWS you want and need certain things but simply will not give them to you on grounds that you are being strengthened by Christ by him NOT giving them to you even though he is capable of doing them.

He is very wise, but he still has a very, very long way to go in understanding the nature of the marital relationship. (and before you start casting judgement on him, remember that you don't know his story--- he has a heritage of divorce and terrible relations to overcome)

On the other hand, I find it an incredibly difficult thing because I DO struggle to overcome feelings of uselessness, hopelessness, anxiety over having enough to eat or wear, or a roof over our heads. I struggle with lovelessness, because I do not FEEL his love all the time. I feel his frustration when I stand in the way of him and the beggar behind me.... arms outstretched also. I struggle with fear that my kids will grow up either with a somewhat distant father or with a father who loves them so much but who they can't understand and therefore hurts them-- after all, I love him so much and yet I am frequently hurt by his decisions to put other things before me and the children.

I don't know if these things change when the sacramental nature of our marriage changes next Saturday. I do know that this week, while we should be preparing for marriage and stressing communication and talking about all of these things, he has taken a vow of silence and is not speaking to any of us. Which has been almost a relief, because it has caused us to silently observe each other and test our motivations.... it's all just so intense. Does that mean that this isn't preparing us for marriage? Not necessarily.

My mother thinks we should have the marriage annulled and he should go off and be a monk. She told me this on the phone when I told her that we were going to be going through a convalidation. She told me this before he ever expressed such a desire, even to me.

On my end, I am discerning a call to something greater than just life for myself. I'm discerning that my desire to spend most of the day in prayer, meditation, and WORK for the Lord, to place God first and foremost in everything I do, isn't something that everyone around me has. That its' a special gift, and that other people who have gone before, particularly other women, have shared in that call and will continue to strengthen me as I learn how to respond to it. I'll be attending several inquiry meetings this week in preparation for that response, mostly with Carmelites, whose spirituality I connect very strongly and fundamentally with.

The only thing I don't know is how my role as a wife and mother fits into all of this. My children are my biggest job, my greatest reward. My husband is my dearest one, I love him so much I just can't imagine life without him. God is certainly not calling me to give up my vocation as wife, nor my vocation as mother. It's something I'm absolutely passionate about. And yet, we all long for community life that brings us closer to the precious Ones our Jesus asked us to serve. We have lived by the values of poverty and obedience for a long time. Now we are observing chastity.
What does that mean for us, for our kids, for me? Should we just open up our home to homeless people? Should we open a soup kitchen in our yard? Should we get rid of all our clothes and things? Frequently, we aren't even sure where our own rent and food will come from--- so how will we know how to feed others? Won't people think we are insane? What if my husband does find a community that will take him? What will that mean for me and the children?

So many questions-- but dont mistake them for a loss of peace. There is a scene in the movie St Francis where Brother Francis is downstairs in the monastary chapel agonizing, praying, screaming and crying out to the Lord to help him-- help him! Clare and the other sister are standing at the top of the stairs wondering what to do, and the other sister says: "Only God can help him now."
And He did. I know that God will help us. From there comes my peace.

St Francis gave up his life to wear a brown robe, give up all his possessions and preach the gospel to the poor and needy, goving all he had. He was a revolutionary, but Jesus Himself said that when we go out to preach, we are not even to take an extra cloak.

In our family, we have always given. Money, time, ourselves. In my marriage, I give more and more each day of myself.... I feel that I am almost becoming eclipsed. In my motherhood, I am giving more and more of myself. I feel that I am losing myself for them. And yet I desire to retain some portion of my self-- to keep it hidden away, so that I can have something to offer to God over and over again.

Lord, give us wisdom. Grant us peace. Have mercy on us, poor sinners.

thoughts on suffering

Today is the feast of Corpus Christi, when we celebrate the Word made flesh among us, living even today as our "Living Bread."
I am so thankful for the Eucharist, wanting always to commune each day with Christ in this special way. I thought alot about this yesterday, when I was spending a few minutes in prayer before the tabernacle being grateful for my vocation as mom and wife, and trying to be open to receiving the grace I need each day to do the best I can at the Holy Work he's given me to do.
(more on that later)

I thought it was ironic that I was sitting there, praying to Jesus, adoring Jesus, and that I am always telling people in religion forums to "Take God out of the box they had put Him in." Ironic because here I was, praying to my Jesus living and present in a special way in a box in the front of my church, on special orders from my priest, who had (rightly) discerned during my confession that the source of much of my suffering was that I was forgetting to be grateful.

That "box," however physical, transcends all boxes. To me, it's the culmination of the incarnation, of God making Himself present among us always. It's my hope of heaven, it's the sweet taste of salvation.... it's the glory, honor, power, and mercy of my Lord, all wrapped up in a humble piece of ordinary bread.

He comes to us in a manger, to be savior of the world, fragile as a baby. He is still present to us today in our food which gives us a taste of eternal life, fragile as a piece of bread. We love Him as a baby because we can't believe that He would love us so much that He would put Himself in our hands. We love Him in the bread and wine, source of strength for what lies ahead, because we can't believe that He would feed us.

Yes, don't get me wrong, He lives in our hearts, but He lives AMONG us as well--- in communion we commune not only with Him but with each and every person sharing at the table... because we eat the Bread of Life, we all become one Body. I love this special day where we celebrate that.

And it's very appropriate that I'm meditating on these things today. I had a rough confession yesterday.... absolutely brutal. I've been harboring some things in my life, in my marriage, in my motherhood, in my relationships that I rarely share. Yesterday, I shared them with Jesus---some of them for the first time. My palms were sweaty and my heart was pounding before confession-- it's so hard to look someone, especially someone you've come to consider a friend, in the eye and say these horrible things you have hidden away. Harder still to wonder what is going through his very "human" mind. Thankfully, we both know that he is representing a far less "human" God for me who loves me with a love that knows no bounds.

I''ll be blunt. Abstaining from sex before our marriage has deepened our prayer life. In ways I didn't even think to ask for, but that I'm glad for now. Somehow, over the last few months, I've grown up in the Lord. I don't see things the same way. I don't percieve God's plan as something distant and far off and unreachable, but I can see it clearly.
I'm not hanging on my husband's every word, waiting for him to get the proper vision to propel it anymore. I've learned to take responsibility for my own spirituality, all the while letting him lead. I'm not desperately seeking answers for why God is allowing what He is in my life. I'm not resigned to them. I'm humbled instead.... something I never really understood until now.

In confession yesterday, one of my big problems was the idea of fake it-til-you-make-it-praise. As I pondered my own suffering over the month, I thought about my evangelical attitude towards it--- a light hearted glossing over of what my experience was, a "praise Him anyways," kind of attitude, which- although not wrong persay-- definitely didn't leave room for growth. I was reaching for joy in an external manner, trying to find something to cling to that I could be thankful for, all the while continuing to resent God's plan in my heart. I felt that I was destined to be like Job. I remember countless moments during worship when we'd be singing the powerful song "Blessed be the name of the Lord."
That song had a special meaning to me because I sang it almost constantly when I was suffering through my punishments in basic training. Everytime I had to stand at parade rest for an entire day in a field in the mud, every time I had to wear the same dirty, smelly, sweaty clothes again, every time I had to sleep on the floor with no pillow or blanket, every time I didn't get food, every time I didn't get church, every time they didn't let me see my husband... I would burst into song--- "Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your Name..... You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Blessed be your name." When all is well, blessed. When all is dark, blessed.

The problem was, my source of strength in those moments came not from the blessed name of the Lord. It came from me-- from dwelling on the fact that I was going through hell, that I was being strengthened, that God was going to continue being a good God and that eventually, all would be good again for me.

These days, I'm learning the aspect of the Christian walk that did get glossed over in my protestant mindset, the acts of mortification and penance which temper and form our whole selves into the shape of holiness. I'm learning to offer up my suffering to God--- not just to say that, but to literally take each pain I experience and to hold it in my heart and say: "For You, my God, for You!" I'm not so prideful in my "assurance of salvation." I'm aware that at any moment, I could die. Will I be ready to face God in that moment?

Much of that understanding comes from reflecting on the lives of the Saints. There's this great scene in the movie Therese, based on the life of St Therese de Lisieux, where the mean nun who always gives her a hard time frowns at her and says: "what on earth are you always smiling about? Every time I see you you are smiling!"
Therese looks her in the eye and grins: "I'm smiling because... I'm happy to see you!"
Her "little way" is so disconcerting because instead of holding on to our frustration because we have a right, we can offer it up and for the first time in our lives, MEAN IT... "My Jesus, I love you. I'll take this cross for you. Save souls."

This is not new to me in the sense that I long ago learned to let go of my "right to be right."
However, only within the context of Catholicism do I find PURPOSE and MEANING in that suffering. As my priest said yesterday during my teary confession: "It's not a question of pretending that the suffering isn't there, or of skipping over it because you want to be Holy. God acknowledges that suffering in your offering it to Him. You can too."

It makes caring for a frustrating husband and two needy children when you dream of other things some days so simple: "My Jesus, I love you. I'll take this cross for you. Save souls."
When I serve my husband and he doesn't deserve it, I can offer my sacrifice to God for my husband. Acts of mortification and penance are like... prayer power times 200. Not only is your prayer out there, but you are literally living your prayer. There is no distinction in Catholicism between your "spiritual life" and your "physical life." If you are living your Catholicism correctly, you will never hear someone ask you: "How's your spiritual life?"

If I want to see my husband in heaven, I will serve him. I will offer that up to God and plead for God's mercy on him. My actions AND thoughts AND heart are in line with God's will. My whole being, even the flesh, is sanctified. It's like learning to live heaven here on earth. Not by my power, but not WITHOUT my power too. God acknowledges that I'm suffering, and offering. In turn, He pours out grace. Which I must learn to recieve, not take from Him.

Mother Teresa once said: "If you knew everyone's story, you would love everyone." I can't tell you how powerful that is. When I'm tired of serving, I look at the ones who are frustrating me and I put myself in their shoes, reminding myself of their story.
If my husband doesn't know how to love me right all the time, but I can remember that he is the product of a severely disfunctional marriage, has a heritage of over a dozen divorces to overcome, that he was always taught that weakness was sickness, that he has no example of good parenting to draw from, that he has no hope for the future because he was always told he would amount to nothing, that he has wounds in his body and soul from a childhood that should never have been-- THEN can I love him with the eyes of Jesus. Then can I see the face of Christ in him, even in his darkest moments when he is-- by all human accounts--- just wrong.

Padre Pio said that the beginning of all of our problems was to ask the question "Why." I love that too--- it helps to ground my suffering in God's plan, to help me to offer it up, to give me strength to just DO even if I don't feel like it-- it removes the load of pain that comes with the process. If I don't ask "why, God?" I won't be frustrated when I don't get the answers, but I will be humbled when they come. I realize that that is not something people can do right off the bat-- it's our very human instinct to demand a reckoning from God. But what great holiness resides in Padre Pio's weathered face when he, at peace, presided over Holy Mass.... that holiness came from an unearthly source of strength. He was greatly blessed for it, and it cost him dearly... just like all the other saints.

I've found great meaning in my suffering, and I no longer feel that I am searching for a balance between acknowledging it's presence in my life, and pushing it out of the way to make room for light. I finally understand the phrase:
"My yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Mat 11:30)